Identity Crisis

I've been dieting for three years now. I'm shocked.

What I saw as a temporary weight gain from taking Prednisone has just gone on and on. I had just started losing the Prednisone weight when I had my accident. And, since I spent most of my time in bed at first, I gained back the weight I had lost. Oh and eating bon bons probably contributed.

Then, I started dieting and the weight came off fairly easily. Until I started taking Effexor. At that point, weight loss became more difficult. At my weekly weigh in, there were suspicions that I was cheating on my diet because I would gain a pound or be barely losing. Then, I was prescribed Risperdal for anxiety and the weight just started piling on. I would exercise as much as I could and at points was barely eating and still gaining.

Last October, my dosages were lowered and with dedicated dieting, my weight started to come off. At that point, I was 90 lbs above what I consider to be my normal weight. In June, the atypical anti-psychotic was stopped and in July, I stopped Effexor (started Wellbutrin).

It doesn't matter what caused my weight gain, I still have to do the hard work to get it off and keep it off. But man, long term dieting can be so hard. It is hard to keep your morale up and to keep your metabolism going since the body is programmed to gain weight easily and to hold on to that weight. And, since I am still on a high dose of Lyrica and unable to exercise like crazy, I may not be able to get down to my previous weight. I'm still trying to accept that possibility. In my mind, I am a thin person and I'm thankful for that since I don't have to overcome the messages that come from being an over weight child/teenager/young adult. Since I have done so much pilates, I'm convinced that underneath, I have a rocking body.

I've lost 40lbs since last October and I almost recognize myself in the mirror. Well, the few times I look in a mirror since I started avoiding them. I stopped dieting for the month of September and I start again in October. I'm thinking about joining a friend to go to the Dominican Republic in January.

I'm trying not to think about bathing suits and the beach.

We are back from Saskatchewan. I have hardly done anything today and I'm suffering from medication hangover due to the combination of ativan, many hours in vehicle, liberal use of breakthrough medication and a couple of flexoril.

And I've just recalled that I was supposed to track 2 days of food intake for this chronic condition seminar that I am taking. OOPs...and we ate terrible in the car as we did not stop at the grocery store. Two bags of chips and a bag of cheesies were inhaled. No fruit. No vegetables. Just some fruit juice. Oh wait...we had pizza on Saturday night so I guess there were a marginal amount of vegetables ingested.

Keith's Aunt Celine died in a head on collision on Monday night. I knew that she had passed away on when his mother called on Wednesday but did not enquire as to what had happened. Keith told me last night. Apparently, Aunt Celine was driving on an undivided highway and a vehicle going in the other direction pulled out to over take a semi truck. Of course, the other vehicle pulled out where she obviously could not see that there was no oncoming traffic and it was not safe to over take. And she killed Aunt Celine and lost her life due to an unfortunate lapse of judgement and well, from being impatient.

Please drive with patience. Does getting there that much faster (and burning that much more gasoline) really matter in the big picture?

This is the third major motor vehicle accident that has happened within his family in the last three years. Me, his brother Michael (who broke his neck at the C7 but luckily, was not paralyzed.

I've heard the superstition that things happen in threes so I hope this is over.

God rest Aunt Celine.

So, the neurologist checked the 5 major nerves in my leg and he could only see that there was an irritation in one of the nerves from my back. He theorizes that the large haemotomas that were in my thigh damaged the smaller nerves in my thigh. I totally spaced on things I wanted to ask him. He talked so much and so fast that he didn't really listen. And he made a lot of assumptions about treatment I was receiving from other doctors (outside his specialty).

I went to walk club tonight and was walking next to this woman who came up to my chest. Anyway, we were chatting and we walked by a car accident so I said that I had been in one. She asked when and where. I told her and then she asked me if I was the driver of a blue-grey car and if my husband was in the military. I said yes. She and her husband walked by the scene of my accident just as the ambulance was taking me away. She said that she had always wondered how the person who had been in the car was doing, did they work where she works (yes, I do). She even remembered the purse I had (because Keith was carrying it).

It was weird and a bit spooky too.

One of the best things about being an adult is that you can have ice cream for breakfast if that's what you want.

You know that feeling that you have after having great sex? Why can't it be bottled?

Wow, I haven't posted an entry in forever. Figures that I would stop posting right after I paid for an account!

I am busy watching swimming at the Olympics. I had toyed with not watching the Olympics due to politics and I guess that the IOC isn't an NGO its really about business. After all, NBC was able to get the swimming finals moved from the traditional evening slot to the mornings in order to be able to air the finals in USA prime time. NBC gives the IOC a lot of money. Unfortunately, all the money spent does not filter down to the athletes. The exposure does help some athletes earn money and sponsorships after the Olympics but the playing field is so uneven. Dara Torres spends $100,000 on support people. I register Natasha in one pilates class.

I am trying not to be addicted to Facebook. Thankfully, I have trouble remembering people's last names and this makes it harder to find anyone that I know.

Today is Natasha's 14th birthday. She can get her learner's permit now! Its unbelievable how fast the time is gone - my beautiful little baby has become a young woman. And she is turning out really well, if I may say so.

Her birthday requests? A panini grill and an ice cream cake. She's getting both and a book on the human body - which is something she finds fascinating. And a chocolate bar of course.

Her dinner request is roast beef with mashed potatoes. We have the roast in the slow cooker and we're hoping it will turn out well - Keith browned it on the BBQ this morning.

She had a half day at school and we were able to spend the afternoon together. We got lunch and then sat down and watched a couple of early season three episodes of the Office. I've already seen them but they hold up well to a second viewing. And Natasha's laughter adds another level of enjoyment to the viewing.

She's off at swim practice now and won't be back for about 4 hours. When she gets back, she'll open her gifts, have dinner and cake and then we will be watching "Les Choiristes" - the movie she picked out for tonight. So, a simple celebration but really special to all three of us.

I finally pay for an account and then I fall so hopelessly behind in my daily life that I have no time to log onto livejournal. Is that ironic?

You know those dreams you have about your teeth breaking? One of mine just broke! I was eating some nuts and crunch, a piece broke off. Luckily I already have an appointment to see the dentist this week. I have to phone on Monday and see if I can get in sooner. I think its time to replace all the old fillings just to be on the safe side.

1. I've been obsessed with baking lately. Not obsessed enough to do any baking - just thinking about it. I've been thinking about cupcakes. Instead of a large wedding cake, we had three different kinds of cupcakes and a small cake that we ate a month later. Yum. There are loads of muffin shops everywhere but there are only two cupcake cafes in my vicinity... and I can't remember the name of one of them! I think the world needs more cupcakes.

2. Candy. Yum. I've been reading this blog. So far, she hasn't reviewed my favourite chocolates so I'm not certain if we share the same candy palate or not. Still, very interesting reading (to me anyways).


3. I came across this candy creation of the battle at Helm's Deep. The perfect mix of geek and candy!

4. I am trying to knit again. Right now, I'm just practicing - trying to get the hands to remember the rhythm prior to attempting any projects. I figure that it can be soothing and if I develop any proficiency, it would be easier to knit the perfect black cardigan rather than shop for it (18 years and counting!).

5. Valentine's Day is coming so I've been thinking about gifts. I bought something for Keith but I can't remember where I put it. And of course, there will be chocolate! I just have to wrestle with fair trade issues and the chocolate I want to eat.

6. We finally saw An Inconvenient Truth last night. Natasha was very pumped up about global warming by the end. I feel that the message is necessary but I have conflicting feelings about flying around the planet and having people gather in auditoriums to hear the message - not to mention the very glossy paper that the book is printed upon. The scenes that had Al flying somewheres or driving around contemplating global warming concerned me. I hope they were done in one take. The energy conservation material that was part of my school curriculum in grade 4 had more of an impact on me. At the end, we received colouring books that reminded us not to be gluts.

I wish there had been more concrete examples of things people should think about. For example, the environmental impact of fresh flowers or fresh fruit and vegetables.

Anyway, the movie is good for introducing neophytes to a global issue. If you already know the data, the movie isn't going to add anything to what you already know.

7. I am loving pilates - still. Now, I just have to shed a layer of fat.

I'm back from Vancouver! It was a quick trip and I'm still not a very good traveller.

Hilights:

1) dinner and conversation with Mr & Mrs. Tito Puente and Mr & Mrs. J-P. (while eating the most delicious sushi and other nibblies)

2) walking outside on a clear sidewalk. There is nothing like being able to walk outside

3) my little niece is cuter and cuter every day. Even though my sister knows that it will grow old quickly, hearing her say NO! was so sweet.

4) spending some time with my sister, BIL and brother.

5) meeting Beaker and Bonne for lunch at the Sand Bar. The food, the view and the company was great. And I developed a crush on our waiter.

6) seeing the ocean and the mountains - at the same time!

Oh and I forgot to mention the outcome of the court case. The defendant failed to appear and since it was traffic court, she was convicted in absentia after the court gave her an hour to show up. Deon Gladue didn't show up but the police officer assured me that he is alive and well. Now, I just have to keep looking for him when I'm in the downtown area.

Whew! I'm almost caught up on lj (my apologies to Yuriverse, Tritium, Ludickid and Moominmama) and I apologize for my quick perusal of everyone's entries.

I'm off to Vancouver and will fall behind again because I don't think I will have any internet access.

Wish you all a Happy New Year and good weather for the week (good weather is a Canadian obsession!)

Hi there,

I had some ups and downs during the holidays. (weight is up, cleanliness of the house is down). I am very far behind here and will promise to catch up soon.

I have to go to court this morning. The cow who went through the red light is still contesting her ticket. I am not looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow. I really hate having it hang over my head. I dread leaving my house and heading all the way downtown and getting into the courthouse. I do not want to see that woman again. I hate having to explain what happened all the time. Why doesn't she just admit that she blew through the red light and apologize?

Wish me luck!

1. I found a website that allows you to catalogue your books.

2. The House of Hope in Uganda is a concrete way to help orphans in Africa. Most of the children who are orphaned aren't infants and like older orphans everywhere, they do not have a good chance at being adopted. You can write to them or support them financially or do both. There are profiles of the orphans on the website.

3. You know that pashminas were all the rage a couple of seasons ago? You can buy them through The Hunger Site and the money goes directly to the people who are making them. The pashminas are so light and thin and delicate - much nicer than anything you get at the regular store.

4. Miss Manners always has good advice on how to behave in social situations.

5. Chocolate is delicious but you should be careful about what kind you buy. Its hard to enjoy chocolate if you know that the cocoa beans were harvested by child slaves. Fair Trade is an international movement to pay a fair price for products that are produced in fair labour conditions. Yes, it can cost more but what value does human life have?

6. The holiday season means that people spend a lot of time in close quarters both with strangers and with people they love. You should develop strategies to cope with and minimize conflict in your life. Hopefully your strategy will be about keeping relationships rather than scorching the earth.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Good wishes to you.

I went to look for Deon last Wednesday. I couldn't find him and the only person I know that has a connection to him (his foster mother), hasn't seen him for a year.

He's about 6'2". His hair colour changes but it looks damaged from colouring. He is thin and likely wearing high heels and a short skirt. He wears bright lipstick.

I am really worried about him and I hardly know him. I used to see him, at least once a week, on my 2 block walk to work. He works in that area, selling his body for money. I would always be careful to avoid making eye contact with him. In fact, I was a little intimidated by him.

All of that changed on the day of my accident, I was hit on the driver's door and my car careened head on into a lamp post. I didn't really understand what had happened to me. I remember Deon running up and asking me if I was okay. He desperately tried to open my door and allowed me to lean on him. He let me sit down on his sheepskin coat. He was so kind to me. And I have been afraid to go back to that area of town since my accident. But now, its close to Christmas and I want to give him a present. I couldn't find him and I have no idea how to look for him.

If you know where Deon Gladue is, can you tell me? I need to say thank you.

"Ok, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. Everything is fine. Hands on the wheel. Ok, where are your hands supposed to be again? 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock right? No, no, no. Its 4'oclock and 8 o'clock! Remember, they changed it because of the air bags and you don't want the airbag to blow your thumbs off. Oh gee, that happened in the one file I handled. What was that guys name again? Crap. Stop thinking about accidents! Holy crap. What the hell was that driver thinking? I hope I don't cross paths with that crazy woman. Stop thinking about the accident. You aren't anywheres close to where she works or lives. All right, breathe, breathe, breathe. Give yourself credit for driving, don't criticize yourself for freaking out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. You're doing it and that's good. Wow, this is a long drive and look at all the cars. Were all these cars on the road when I was driving before? Pay attention, stay with your body. Remember you can pull over and rest if you have to. What if I can't drive home? Ok. don't think about that now. Just think about going a couple more blocks. Are we there yet? Don't close your eyes, that won't help anything. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Are the other drivers freaked out too? breathe breathe breathe. Damn my leg is hurting in this position. Don't concentrate on the pain. Breathe Breathe Breathe. That's such a weird word. I wonder why we hold our breath when stressed. That doesn't seem very productive. I wonder what those intelligent design people have to say about that! Focus, focus. Its not like you know anyone who personally believes in that. Or do I? Breathe breathe. I can't believe I used to drive 3 hours a day. To work, from work, to the store, from the store, to the pool, from the pool. Ack, why do people have to drive so close together? I hate how winter makes the roads narrower but everyone has a truck or an SUV. You haven't done any winter driving for 2 years so its natural to be nervous. But I'm not nervous. I'm scared to death. Stop crying. Breathe Breathe Breathe."

Natasha swam the short course 200m Breaststroke in 2:38.22.

We are going to Keith's holiday party tonight. Last year, we went to a dinner and they served salmon. Keith forgot to mention that I am allergic. I just turned to him and asked if he mentioned that I had an allergy for this holiday party (set menu). You can guess what the answer was to that question. To be fair, I forgot to mention it myself and I do know that it can be hard to remember peoples allergies if they don't make a big deal out of it. And I hardly ever mention that I do have an allergy because its not often that I encounter a set meal since the advent of the wedding buffet.

I told him that if I am able to consume enough alcohol to offset the cost of my dinner, I will stay for salmon. If not, I'm leaving and going to get some steak.He' I guess we'll find out what's for dinner soon enough.