Fun fact: This song came out while I was still in treatment, and we all loved it, but we all would go "BEEEEEEEP" to censor out "And we'll all stay skinny cuz we just won't eat"  lol

Anyway.

Yesterday was another good day.  I was off work...  I cleaned and stuff and after Tracie got off she picked me up and we went swimming at her house, and played with her doggies.  ^.^  After that we went to Creve Coeur Park and sat on our usual dock for a while.  It was nice.  ^.^  We talked and stuff and... yeah.

Then she brought me home and I got myself Dairy Queen and OMG the Thin Mint Blizzard is fucking orgasmic!!  I'm probably going to get another one today hehe.  Then I got on the computer and downloaded music and talked to Tracie on aim and cleaned this computer...  I'm thinking it's going to take me a month, of cleaning every day, to completely defragment this bitch.  They never clean it out - I'm the only one of the family who knows how - so they have like <1% free disk space left and they're like "Stephaney help!!"  So I'm defragging and doing a disk clean up every day, sloooowwwwwwly getting their computer back to decent working condition.  Its crazy.

So today I need to:
- Do dishes.
- Defrag and disk clean computer.
- Finish at least Ch 9 of Story A, damnit.
- Trial fitting of dress for tomorrow.
- Trial makeup for wrist scars.
- Work.
- Eat another Thin Mint Blizzard.  ^.^

OMG Stephaney, if you don't get some writing done soon,
I swear to fucking god I will eviscerate you with such extreme prejudice
you won't know what hit you!!

[

Current Mood

|

elated

]

Even though I had a really good day, my mood wasnt that great at the end of the day.  Combination of things.

Anyway, Tracie went out shopping and came back at like 10:30, a lot sooner than I expected (since I didnt know where she was going at the time).  So she came online and asked me if I wanted to go for a drive.  Um, yes please.  So she took a shower and came and picked me up.  The night is beautiful - the sky is clear and the temperature is just right.  And we rolled down the windows, popped her sunroof and blasted Linkin Park.  Like at the top of her speakers.  And her car  has a pretty impressive sound system...  Anyway, we drove around a lot - backroads first then hit the highways.  Pretty night, best band ever singing it loud, pretty girl next to me... it was so nice.  And then she reached over and held my hand.  I was like *heartmelt*.  It was so nice.

She drove us to this park out by her house and we sat on her trunk and looked up at... a tree.  lol.  She had parked under a tree, near a lightpost -- the original plan was to go down to this creek and watch the stars from a big rock down there, but she saw eyes reflect in her cell phone light, so we just hung out by the car lol.  We talked a lot and there was a lot of side glances and smiling going on.  Around 12:45 she got sick of the bugs and we decided to go.  We took the long way home, blasting the rest of LP (we went through the first two albums) and enjoying the night.  And we finally got back here and she dropped me off, nervously mumbling over her words, meaning to say she had a good time lol.  It was cute.

And I'm back now, and she's back home too, and we're talking on im.  I think I'm going to bed soon, I'm sooo tired from all that's happened today.  But I'm definately going to sleep hella good tonight... because I think some things have become clearer in my head over the past three hours.

[	Current Mood	|	exhausted	]
[	Current Music	|	The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army	]

Ok, so here's a seizure-short version of my day, since I don't feel like writing it all out because I've got a lot on my mind right now.  (Friends, you'll probably get a deeper view into that lot a little later.)

So we were suppose to leave at 8:30, but William and his friend got lost.  So they didnt get here until past 9:30... so they picked me up and drove back to the city to get ice (why we didnt just go directly to six flags and get ice on the way that way, i have no idea) and then out to Six Flags.  By the time we got there it was past 11 so we just ate some sammiches before even going in the park.

Went in and rode a lot of rides - go me, I actually rode roller coasters for the first time ever!!  We rode Excalibur, which wasnt too bad.  Then Superman, which was horrible.  That's the one where you go straight up... the straight down really really fast!!  All my muscles clenched up and I almost pissed myself.  DO NOT WANT.  So yeah I didnt like that one.  Then we went on the Screaming Eagle, which wasnt tooo bad, though my head kept hitting the seat because it was so rattly.  They didnt want to go on the Ninja, and after the Superman I declined to join them in riding the Batman.  Then we rode the Mr Freeze and I actually liked that one.  Everyone complains that its a great ride, but too short... but I like it because its so fast and over with so quickly lol.  Then we rode bumper cars and the log flume, which I actually had never ridden I dont think, then Thunder River - which was actually the only ride we had to wait in a line for, but its also my favorite!! XD  William bought me Dippin Dots and then later bought me big ol' cookie dough waffle cone.  I was on an ice cream kick.  And his friend was really out there, but pretty funny.  I had to call on my limited knowledge of ebonics when talking to him, because even though William speaks clear and proper English (with a few urban slangs thrown in for good measure), this guy was pure ebonics.  I understood him pretty well, but there were a few times he had to repeat himself.

We stayed until about five thirty and they brought me home.  Whereupon I made myself nachos with chilli and cheddar cheese... yum!!  And, go me again, I didnt purge anything all day.... until I got to the nachos.  I really shouldnt have pushed it.  But I'm still proud of myself for eating everything else I ate today and getting through it.  That's an accomplishment.

So, got home, made nachos, showered.... and realized I'm fuckin burnt!!  The back of my neck is worst... ew I'm like a guy now, getting burnt on the back of my neck because my hair is so short! >.< lol  Anyway, luckily its not too bad and it doesnt hurt or anything.  Will probably fade in a few short days.

Talked to Tracie over text and IM a bit.  But she's gone out for the night and wont be back till later.  So we're gonna talk later.

That was my day in a much condensed version.  I am sooo tired.  I can't wait to sleep in super late tomorrow!! XD

[	Current Mood	|	relieved	]
[	Current Music	|	Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl	]

Wow, lots to update about.  Sorry, but here comes another long entry...

Saturday went good, as I already wrote about.  After I got home, William called and I was happy because we hadnt talked in a long while because I kept missing his calls and I didnt know his number >.<  and we talked for a bit (over the horrible background buzz of the phone mom gave me...).  He asked if I wanted to get together and I sure!  He didnt get off work until ten so it was like 11 by the time he picked me up.  We went to Blueberry Hill, this bar/restaurant in the Loop (for my non-StL buddies, which is most of you, The Loop is a neighborhood in St Louis...).  If you remember, we went to the Loop last time we got together (where we ate ice cream outside Bread Co)... he likes it cuz its so diverse and tolerant.  And from the way he talks, I get the inkling he has experienced intolerance about being with someone outside his race before.  Anyway, we went to BH and shared a chicken strip basket... YUM.  Then we walked around for a little bit before going back.  And apparently he was invited to Six Flags with his friend on Wednesday (his friend has free tickets for that day) and he said he wants to take me and I dont work, so we're going!!  ^.^  Good night.  Much fun was had.

I got home before Ryan even (he had gone out to Voodoo).  But I couldnt sleep even though it was like, two am and I had to be up at 6:30.  I finally got to sleep around two thirty, three oclock.  Woke up Sunday morning a little before eight... and probably woke Ryan up when I sorta yelled "Fuck!!" because as you might remember, I had switched shifts with Sarah and was suppose to be at work at eight...  Yikes.  So I rushed to get ready and called work telling them I was going to be late and I was later than I otherwise would have been because I had to wait for the next bus to come around.  >.<

Work was good and fun.  Ashley was back (she had gotten bit the day before and no one was sure if she was going to be there Sunday).  Tracie was there even though she wasnt working - she was grooming her own dog.  And we talked and she asked if I was doing anything after work.  I said no and she asked if I wanted to do something.  I said sure.  ^.^

So after work I walked to Walmart and cashed my pathetic excuse for a check.  But thats what happens when you miss two and a half full days of work.  *shrug*  I had to pay Ryan the $100 rent, and I spent the remaining few bucks on McDonalds.

Came home to a bitchy Ryan, playing his Wii.  Never really understood the appeal of the Wii, and even though he explained to me  how to use if I was going to play it, I didnt.  Because, as I told him, I have little interest in it...  I'm an old fashioned girl and prefer the traditional controller to a remote that reacts to your movements... I dont know.  Personal preference.

ANYWAY.  I got my check card back from him and found out my online banking password wasnt working anymore.  Hm.  Wonder how that happened.  But anyway I put some laundry in and Tracie MySpaced me and we went back and forth a bit, coordinating plans for the night.  I didnt want to give her the address because jesus Ryan has a stick up his ass about people knowing where the house is.  Blahhhhhh.  So I  met her down the street at the Express Market and she drove us to the Mills movie theatre.  We thought about seeing Wall-e, which, since I was doped up when Ryan took me, I wouldnt have minded seeing... but we were both like 'Angelina is fucking hot and we feel like some kick assness tonight, lets see Wanted'.  I got to the desk to buy my ticket and my card was declined... because apparently the check I deposited like A WEEK AGO hasnt cleared yet and the $80+ I should have, wasnt technically cleared yet!!  Grr.  So Tracie ended up paying for me and our concessions.  We split a combo meal of two sodas and large popcorn.  Yum yum.  And it was nice to be out with someone who actually ate the popcorn with me instead of taking two bites and being done with it.  Anyway, the movie was awesome - Angelina is fucking hot, as stated above, and the movie was full of the kick assness we were searching for.  Good shit.  She drove me home and I apologized a million times about her having to pay.  But she said it was ok because she had a good time.  I told her I would pay her back, but she said no.  >.<  So I'm going to pay next time, damnit!

So I got home and got the third degree about shit that's really none of his damn business anymore.  So I thought to myself, 'Psh, fuck this.' and started formulating my plan.  I watched Intervention and then Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix... and while I was watching  HP I imed Tracie and we talked a lot and there was much fangirl squee-ing going on.  We figured out that mutual longstanding crush + movie + one person paying = date.  So yayness!  But that also = complications for me.  But bleh, dont wanna get into all that.  I had a great time out with her and talking to her afterwords.  That's all that matters.

I stayed up a bit late but actually woke up in time this morning!  Got to work and got a rush of dogs so I was in the back bathing for like the first hour and a half of my shift.  All good dogs though... accept Santana.  A really BAD Chihuahua.  He was fine for me checking him in, putting him in the cage, getting him out and bathing him... but when I came at him with that towel, it was all over.  Bite bite bite!!  But I'm used to dealing with aggressive dogs, so I just scruffed him through the towel and dried best I could.  Then later I had to hold him while Gabi helped me clip his nails and clean his ears.  He was so bad the owner had to hold him while Gabi tried cleaning his ears - and he bit the owner several times.  Fun fun.

Tracie got there at 4 (I left at 5) and we got a chance to talk more while Rachel was in the back bathing.  We decided we're going in together on one present for Gabi's wedding, that way we can get her one something decent and not two something crappys.  Did I ever mention that?  She's my date for the wedding.  ^.^  That's old news, though its a recent developement that its going to be a date date and not just us going as coworker friends.  But anyway, yeah.  I was glad our shifts overlapped, if even for an hour - usually bather shifts dont overlap durring the week.

On my lunch break I called Mom and set my plan into motion.  She had offered, that if Ryan got to making the living situation unbearable, I could always come to her.  Since she actually recognizes that I'm trying now, and improving, if only very slowly.  So she picked me up from work and we went back to the house and got all my stuff.  Haley apparently said I can sleep in her room for now, if I dont want to bunk on the couch.  I really dont care, I'm just glad to be here.  It's going to be a pain - not having my own room anymore, having to take an hour and a half bus ride with one transfer to get to work, and missing that lovely TV and movie channels - but I'll definately get over it.  I'm just so glad to be out and here.

Friday, when I work with Sarah, I'm going to talk to her about a more perminant (though still temporary) living situation... even though I'm not sure how good an idea it would be for us to move in together.  I have some reservations about it.  But this is just for a few weeks until I can find something.  But again, just glad to be out and here, so I'm really not caring too much about anything else atm.

[

Current Mood

|

anxious

]

So yesterday I had work.  I worked in the evening and it didn't start well...  Ashley had this really bad Pom and Sam and I were helping her with it.  She stepped away for a moment, to take a breather because the dog was freaking out and even though I had my famous death-scruff on the dog, she needed to step back.  So Sam decided to try her hand at it... well we decided to stop for a second to give the dog a breather of its own, and suddenly he whipped around and SNAP!  Bit Sam in the face.  It wasnt bad at all - really only a scratch.  But we had to ban the dog from coming back because it was the dog's second offense.  Fun fun.

Then I found a tip in the bather's toolbox for me, from Alex and Kermit - a little lab mix and a Beagle.  I groomed them in the short perioud I was at work on Sunday.  There was a note with the tip, saying they really liked what I did and I might have a new pair of request dogs.  Yes yes good good.  But I feel kinda bad about a. taking the tip and b. having them possibly be my new requests.  Because I barely remember anything about Sunday.  Just flashes.  Knowing Alex and Kermit were coming in and being apprehensive about Kermit.  Blow drying Kermit and crying so damn hard.  Having Sam grind Alex's nails and asking her to hold on to whatever tip I got because I was going home early because I was having such a hard time.  I barely remember doing them, I was so out of it.  So I feel bad about the tip and about them maybe being my request dogs from now on.  Because it feels like I didnt really even do them...  Feels like I dont deserve the credit.

Mom picked me up from work, after I took a few minutes to change out of my work clothes and into some hot stuff.  XD  And we met Brian and Syberg's and saw Dis Wizzle perform.  They were really good.  Like, really good.  They rival The Real Me.  Plus they played a lot more of my favorite songs - like shit from Seether and Linkin Park.  ^.^  Mom and I danced and she drank and I got this crazy friend of theirs, Chris, lecturing me all night on why he wanted to see me have one drink.  Just one!  *rollseyes*  Mom, Nat, Haley, Jim, Jacob, Uncle Rob, Ryan and infinate friends have all tried.  Some strange drunk guy is not going to be one to "convert" me.  It's not going to happen.  Ever.  Get over it, people.  Anyway, I had a lot of fun - oggling the lead singer, who I found out was married >:( and dancing and watching Mom go crazy and actually mingling/having fun with people I had never met before without freaking out with social anxiety (I had a few panicky moments, but not at all like I usually have) and then watching Mom and Brian get confused about the tab.  Fun fun.  Night didnt really end well though, at least for Mom, because Mom was apparently paying that night but Brian had bought a few shots for him and Chris so Mom got pissed, but Brian thought she was upset because apparently every time she drinks she gets super jealous if he talks to other girls and blah blah.

The plan was to go to Denny's after the band was done (at one am) but since Mom was pissed, we just went home.  I tried to sleep, but couldnt, so I checked my email and stuff.  Then Nat came home and said David was outside and since I hadnt seen him in a while we went outside and hung out for a little bit.  Haley came out with us because they (David, Nat and Haley) were going to share a joint, but they misplaced the weed in David's car for a few minutes and there was lolz.  Then another of Nat's friends came over and we were like "Where the hell did you come from?" and he said "Um... I'm a nigga, we just come out of the shadows..."  And there was more LOLz.  Then I went back inside and tried again to go to sleep but couldnt.  Then Nat and Haley came back in and David left, and they wanted to watch Degrassi so I gave in and watched a few episodes with them (didnt really have a choice, I was sleeping in the living room with the tv... but I wanted to watch some anyway... that show has come a looong way and gotten extremely fucked up and just sooo funny!!).  We hung out for a while and talked while we watched the soap opera of Degrassi The Next Generation.  I found out Natalie apparently gets panic attacks... that she had them a lot her senior year and still gets them sometimes.  Made me wonder (though I didn't ask because I was afraid I knew the answer) if she ever gets them because of me...  So anyway I didnt really get to sleep until about three, three thirty.

Woke up on my own a few minutes before nine, had a bowl of Cheerios and took a shower.  Made the mistake of weighing myself before the shower, since they have a scale and I dont and I always have trouble resisting when I go over there.  Anyway, I'm hovering between 150-155.  Which scares the FUCK out of me.  Because thats only fifteen pounds shy of where I was most of high school.  Way too close to my old hell.  Gave me that want-to-purge-now-and-never-eat-again feeling.  Shit.

Anyway, got to work this morning and chatted with Sarah (another bather who I gave one of Nat's kittens to).  Apparently one of her roomates is moving out because he doesnt like cats lol...  So her and her boyfriend are looking for another roomate.  And we talked about my situation and like everyone else who knows, she thinks its damn ridiculous I have to pay $400 rent.  And agrees its just laughable that that's a "discount" because I do house work.  Soooooo.... we may just help each other out here.  She didnt really ask me, and I didnt do anything but express mild interest.... but.  I might have another living option.  Which I am seriously considering, even though Sarah and I have our moments because she doesnt have that brain/mouth filter sometimes and it pisses me off, and she gets pissed that people at work treat me differently (ie. sometimes better) than they treat her... but with what's going on here, and *pointstonumberabove* said high rent (when Sarah said the way they split it at her house, the rent is half that), it might be a lot better.  We'll see.

Then later in the afternoon Sam and I were talking.  We were talking about how Tiffany is pretty two-faced and not a good bff for Ashley (or anyone) because of this fact, and she admitted to me that after her dad died a few years ago, she was bulimic (she said this, pointing out that Tiffany doesnt understand people with serious problems and would probably think such an issue is a joke).  God I wanted so bad to confide in her...  and I think I actually will, whenever I get a moment alone with her or, if I dont get that chance, I might pm her... but Rachel had an urgent issue in the back that Sam had to run and help her with (her dog was freaking out and apparently had dragged one of the tubs across the bathing room >.<) so we didnt get to talk very long.  But now I know this about her and I can't stop thinking about it... and now that I think about it more, I think she might know... about my similar ed, I mean.  We often recognize each other.  Like members of a secret organization, haha.  But anyway... yeah.

So I just ate my StL Bread Co dinner.  And I'm a little anxious about it because of knowing my current weight and it being so high...  But I'm ok.

I switched shifts with Sarah for tomorrow, so I work early and she works the later shift.  Which I prefer anyway.  But I'm a bit nervous because she had two Beagles scheduled, which are now going to be mine...  I'll be ok, but I know its going to be hard...

[

Current Mood

|

apathetic

]

Shallow = itching.  Deep = nothing.  Deeper = hurt.  I haven't cut deep enough for it to hurt while it's healing in a loooong time.  So my forearm is both itching and in pain right now.  >.<  But the two deeper cuts are still delicate, so I have to be careful when I scratch!  Ack.

I have a really bad headache too...

But whatever.

I've only been awake like two hours but its already been a long day...  And its going to get longer.  I just dont want to think anymore.  I've pretty successfully numbed myself... which is a good thing because I think otherwise I would be crying endlessly.  For lots of reasons.  But being numb to the feeling doesn't stop the thoughts.  It's annoying.  Let's find something to distract...

Goddamn, what a week.  To top everything off, Bob, my Grandma's husband and the only Grandpa on that side I have ever known, had a stroke.  It was mild, and he is ok now.  They said he can probably go home tomorrow afternoon.  Mom and I went and took Grandma to see him after Mom got off work.  I hate going to the hospital (even though damn, I send myself there enough) but it was an excuse to stay out longer.

When I got home Ryan wanted to talk... but I dont really know what to say to him.  What else is there to say?  *shrug*


In completely unrelated news, my sister said this earlier and I just thought it was genius and laughed so hard I cried - "Chuck Norris is so badass, he told MC Hammer he can touch whatever the fuck he wants!!"

[

Current Mood

|

scuicial

]

I found out this morning that Tickey, my beagle, who had been staying at my Grandpa's ranche with Louie and Kitty, died yesterday.... er, on the 4th.  He doesnt know why, but because of his heart worm history, and not getting heartguard out there, I srongly suspect that had something to do with it.  I had to call into work because I knew I wouldnt be able to work....

I have been crying non stop all day.  I cut, and doped my self up on a lot of drugs.  Still didnt kill the pain.

Ryan and I tried to do something to cheer me up at the of the night but it just didnt work.  We went to dinner, which didnt stay in my stomach long, and then I spent half the movie in the bathroom crying.

One of the worse days ever....