Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in sipmichelle's LiveJournal:

Monday, August 16th, 2004
5:29 pm	tears of love and friendship hi everyone! i hope this update finds you all doing well.......i must admit i felt really weird right now as i sat down to the computer about 20 minutes ago and started reading all kinds of emails about going back to school, club business, class information, etc. i feel so far removed from all of that as im still admist my life-changing experiences here in el salvador - it makes you all seem so far away! ive been busy the last few weeks, and also a little sick (ive battled everything from bronchial allergic reactions to the wood fire to dehydration) but nonetheless ive been enjoying my life here - el condadillo has really become a home to me and i could have never imagined that i would meet such amazing people and encounter such absolutely wonderful friends. its been REALLY REALLY REALLY HOT (most definitely a contributing factor to my dehyration) but nonetheless ive continued my endless walking journeys to the mill and back each morning (about a mile) and the 2 mile walk each way to teach class in Pasaquina. its definitely been an experience - i dont think ive ever longed for a pool so much in my life as i do when im walking in the mid-day sun. as i write to you today im not in the happiest mood - this morning i had to leave my community for the last time as were starting a three day closing retreat in san salvador before heading back to the states. i honestly dont think ive ever done anything so hard in my life as say goodbye to my friends and loved ones in el condadillo. ive traveled and done so much in my life but saying farewell has never been so hard....im leaving a huge part of my heart in this community and it makes me so sad that im leaving them for such a long time as i dont know when ill be able to return. I left after a night of many tears, hugs, and love (and no sleep as we had a vigil because of a death in the community, which i will describe later). My heart is absolutely broken because ive left so much of it there - it seems impossible that friday i will be returning to the land of plenty, the united states, after living all summer in solidarity and love with these pe ople who are poor in recourses but rich in love. the contrast between the humble houses of el condadillo and the simple lifestyle of the people and the towering buildings of SMC and ND and the recourses of the students is almost too much to face. ...sometimes i think it might just be better to stay here and not face the challenge of advocating change but because of the love i have for these people i know that its something i have to do. we all have a responsibility to do what we can and i hope that i can use this experience ive been blessed with to bring a little bit of good into the lives of a few. lots of other things have happened in my community since ive last written. my friend, Fr. Tom Smith, had the opportunity to visit me one day in the village and it was a really awesome opportunity to share my life here with someone from home! its going to be hard to try and explain things to all of you without being able to show you and so im glad that i had the expereince to talk with him and show him what my life here is like - and how good it was to see a friendly face from home! ive continued playing a whole lot of softball in the community and ive been so blessed to know so many wonderful friends because of this team - i made 6 runs in our last game so watch out the next time we play, my skills have improved! one other thing im not exactly happy to report but that i want to share because of the impact it has had on me is that a young man in my community committed suicide last week. his name was tonyo and he was 24 years old. the experience of being able to accompany the community in their suffering for his death has been quite like no other. i was in the house for the night and at around 9pm someone ran though the street screaming something in a loud and scary voice and Lastenia said "nina, lets go!" and took off running leaving me behind. i followed her up the steep climb to the street but soon lost her admist the darkness and the many people leaving their houses. i was so confused as to what was happening and i asked a friend that i encountered in the crowd what was going on - she told me that tonyo had taken poison and that everyone was going to see him and help take him to the hospital. i followed the crowd as it moved rapidly through the rocky and uneven paths to his house and then followed them as they carried tonyo to the river (where the path into our part of the village meets the other main road in and out of the canton) where the car was going to pass to take him to the hospital. i felt really lost and scared among the people but luckily i found my friend oscar and he explained to me that tonyo had completely passed out but that he still had a faint pulse. "come with me and see" he said and he took my hand and i followed and looked down at the face of someone not much older than myself and i couldnt help but think that he looked dead. i asked oscar why he did it and oscar said "he wanted to die" like it was perfectly normal. how absolutely sad and hopeless ones life must be to be in such desparation to consider such a thing! i had a really hard time dealing with what happened and imaging what he must of felt. i didnt know tonyo too well but i had just talked to him about an hour and a half ealier for a few minutes in teh street and it was really hard to realize that the cold, lifeless face id seen lying in the street in the moonlight was the same one with which id talked just an hour earlier. we returned to the house and about an hour later the sounds of painful screaming and crying filled the air and lastenia said "they must have advised his sister that tonyo died". the screams grew louder and more dramatic and i felt like i was in a horror movie of some sort - it was really hard to deal with what was happening. the day everything stopped - there was no music and the soccer tournament that had been scheduled and for which everyone had been preparing for nonstop all week was canceled. when the truck brought his body back into the canton at about 9am everyone left running from their houses to go and see him. the house was filled with a dramatic display of crying and screaming by his mother and his children, who are so young im not sure they really understood what was happening. the whole community spent the next night in vigil with the family, with tonyo's body in the house and some older women inside praying while everyone else sat outside on the hills talking and playing cards. the attitude of the people wasnt morose but rather it was an opportunity to socialize and to offer support to tonyo's family so that they didnt have to be alone. i dont think ill ever forget the horrible smell that came the house - the poison that he took emitted a smell from his body that to me will always make me think of death and hopelessness. i was really upset by this (perhaps maybe thats why ive described it in such detail) because i learned that suicide is common among men between 20 and 30 living in rural villages like mine. im so sad that the way ive lived my life so far has contributed to the suffering of these poor souls and that someone could loose so much hope as to not have the will to live. i keep thinking "what if this had been memo or carlos (two of my closest friends here in el condadillo) - what if one day they decide to do this too?" its so tough - some people work and work but still cant make enough money to live with the basics. anyway, its just something to think about and to definitely pray about! keep the poor souls who are on the verge of loosing hope in your prayers that they may also walk in hope of Christ's everlasting mercy and love. after 9 days (which was last night) the community had another vigil to support the family and it was quite convenient as all were gathered in one place and i got to say goodbye one last time. im still feeling quite sad to leave but im much more content today than i was yesterday - im so happy to know that im coming home to such a wonderful and support family and so many wonderful friends. ive missed you all a lot and it will be great to be together again. i ask that you all keep me in your prayers as i know that preparing to come back to the US and attempting to adjust to the cultural change is going to be quite hard. i thank you for all your prayers and support throughout the summer and i pray that God will bless you all with endless graces. with much peace and love, michelle (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
12:35 pm	Love and loss Hello to everyone from beautiful El Salvador! Things are going good here and I am in absolute disbelief that I only have 2 weeks left! The first 8 weeks have gone by so quickly - although I miss my family and friends my heart is already breaking at the thought of leaving my community and family here in El Salvador. This summer has been intense and its hard for me to describe to you all that I've seen, felt, and learned her as I know it is very hard for you to begin to understand. But nonetheless I'm going to try to do my best! In reflecting I've realized that I don't even notice anymore the things I thought I would miss most: the convinience of an indoor bathroom, tile floors, air conditioning,etc . None of this matters anymore - sure its all nice but completely uneccessary. The things I notice most are the things that bring me joy: the the people are so friendly and loving, that they live in community with one another, and that they spend a lot of time visiting one another and just chatting. Its so wonderful to be a part of a culture that values human relationships more than material goods or academic achievement: sometimes I feel this isn't the case in the United States. I've had some pretty touching expereinces in the last couple weeks too. As I've gotten to know the community more and more, people have began to open up to me and I've been able to understand more fully the consequences of living in poverty. Last weekend I went with the softball team to play a tournament (in which we won 1st place, woo- hoo!) and during the day I had a good amount of time to talk to my friend, Marielena (she's 21, like me) and she shared with me, through a flood of tears, that her uncle has paid her way with a coyote so that she can come illeagally into the US to work so that she can support her 4 younger siblings. She is an absolutely beautiful and wonderful person and I am scared to death for her: she, too, is scared beyond words but says that she feels its the only option to seek a better life for her family. Scary fact: 95% of all women who attempt to cross the border illeagly are raped or sold into the international sex trade market along the way. Even scarier: most women know before the leave that there is a chance of this happening and choose to leave anyway. What desparation they must be feeling! And sometime I think that perhaps its more love than desparation: what a great love to be willing to offer your safety and even your life to offer a better life to your family and children. It's hard to hold back the tears when I think that Marielena could be one of these statistics, as well as many other women who are now my dear friends. Its so sad to me that the world can be in such a state that people cant even find decent work in their own country. Because of international trade laws that allow the US and other countries to import their proudcts tarriff-free (check out CAFTA : the Central American Free Trade Act and the TLC: Trato de Libre Commercio and tell the US government NO before more people suffer!!!) and dont allow Salvadorans the right to export their products. Combine this with the fact that even working minimum wage in unfair work conditions for corporate giants who take advantage of illeagal immigrant workers to increase their own wealth will allow an immigrant toin the US an immigrant can make $5/hour rather than less than $5/day when the average cost of living is pretty much the same. Wow - how complicated! And what do we do to help? Nothing. We buy the cheapest, quickest Walmart products rather than fair trade products. We dont take the time to look into how our vote affects the poor in other countires. Sometimes we dont even take time to pray for these people - me included. On a happier note, the people are an inspiration for hope and living a life of love. They have suffered years of oppression, a grusome civil war, horrible national disasters and they are still living, working, and finding joy in each other. What an example for the rest of us - Im very excited about how much more I'll be learning in the next two weeks. Im scared to leave, knowing that I will be leaving a huge part of my hear here, but I know that a part of El Salvador will alwasy be with me. Sorry if this email seems a little despressing to you, I just thought it would be a good idea to let you know how complicated the situation is and also how simple it is underneath: that we should just love one another and thats the way to true peace. And trust me, I don't sit around all day doing social analysis and crying for how I wish things would be. I think its alot better to visit, talk to the people, and let them know that I want ot understand how it is, to live in solidarity, and to hsare their expereinces with others so that they can be heard. It's the work of building a global community in which all can be valued and feel dignified and this kind of work kicks butt. Thanks for all your suppot and know that I miss you and love you all! As much as I love El Salvador, a part of me wants to come home too, to have a great senior year at SMC, and hang out with all of you! Please enjoy the rest of your summers and I'll see you soon! Much love, Michelle (Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
12:33 pm	in the matrix. . . hi everyone! first of all, you will all have to forgive me if the typing in this entry is less than average, the keyboard here, aside from being in spanish, is also quite sticky. well im happy to report that ive safely survived almost 6 weeks in the great republic of el salvador! its definitely been an once in a lifetime experience and its hard to believe i wanted to leave so badly my first few days in the canton (my rural placement) i actually cried yesterday while talking to a friend about how im going to feel when i leave el salvador. its going to be so different! i feel so close to the friends ive made here and i really hate the thought that im going to have to leave them and not know when ill see them again! ive been doing a lot more work (though i still find plenty of time to play!) ive been teaching english in the school in el condadillo, the neighboring canton of pasaquina, and most recently, every night in the house. different people come and we're having small classes there.......its not as much fun as playing cards (which i still do a lot) but im so amazing at the level of concentration and dedication they have! Apart from working, which to be quite honest, isn{t all that much (ive never really had so much free time in my life) ive joined the el condadillo womens softball team, the stars of paradise, and i am having a blast practicing and playing with them each weekend. its been a great way to get to know the women and teenagers of the community and ive become close friends with many of them. the things they go through every day (single moms, hard work, split families, harsh living conditions) is incredible and im am most definitely blessed to know such amazign and strong people. they teach me new lessons in life every day! i generally spend th erest of my free time visiting friends in the community (just hoppig from house to house), chatting, listening to music, learning to dance, learning to make tortillas, learnng to carry large containers of water on my head (which is REALLY difficult!) and lots more fun things! the adventures never end! and apart from the intense heat and mosquitoes, im enjoying every second of it! im goign to keep this email short since i dont have much more time here but i want you all to know that i miss you and love you! please take care and i hope God sends each of you many great things during the remainder of the summer! peace and LOTS of love, michelle (Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
10:37 pm	Hi everybody!!! This will be a long one so if you don't have time to read it then scroll to the bottom for some highlights! How good it is to have a chance to enter civilization for a day and use a computer! The last week of my life has definitely been intriguing, difficult, wonderful, challenging, crazy, different, extremely fun, and any other adjective you can think of. Last sunday we left for El Condadillo, which is about 2 hours from San Salvador. To access the village we had to drive down a long and bumpy dirt road with lots of hills and through a dry creek bed. The truck had to stop there cause the road got so bad and we carried my bag and 8 3-gallon containters of purified water up a small hill and then down a somewhat steep path to the doorway of Lastenia's bamboo and tin house. (i'm proud to report that i've been living there a week and i haven't yet fallen down one time!) all of the houses here are very humble (though they generally have cement floors unlike mine), the streets are covered in trash and animal feces, andthe sounds of the jungle surround us. El condadillo reallyu is a village of poverty in the physical sense. Anyway, all I really remember from this first expereince is that everyone was talking, I was in a bit of shock from all the smells and noises (Lastenia has about 8 chicken, a couple roosters, 9 pigs, a turkey and who knows what else). I remember one of the other volunteers who was there saying "wow this is just like something out of a peace corps brochure!" So anyway, the big group of people (3 other volunteers on the way to their sites, and the program coordinators) said farewell and I was left standing in a pool of sweat in what I declare to be the hottest and smelliest place in the world. Ok, so earlier I used the adjectives wonderful, fun, and intriguing. These were not the words running through my head on Sunday or Monday. It was so hot that I was miserable, in total culture shock, and I couldn't think of anything but the fact that if I was in the US I could be sitting in an air conditioned room drinking water with ice in it if I wanted. Or that I could go to sleep at night and not worry about BIG bugs crawling into my bed, that a bathroom would be at my disposal in the middle of the night rather than a litrine at the top of steep incline which could house any number of spiders, bats, scorpions, and other interesting creations of nature. So yes, I cried, I was homesick, and I believe I thought of every single excuse I could think to tell CRISPAZ so that I could come home. But I swore to myself that I wouldn't give up on this expereince without making it through at least a week, and I'm sure glad I made that choice. So, what changed? Well, all I'm going to say is that the words "offer it up" kept running through my head. For those of you who know how much I hate that whole concept, :-) I feel like I was amazingly open to the grace of God to only hold onto my self-centeredness for just 2 days. I kept telling myself "stop complaining! these people have lived in these conditions their whole lives, you can do it for a week, or 8, come on!" The only break I had from this hard mental drain was the incessant visits from community members - they all wanted to come and see the gringa who would be living with them for the rest of the summer. it's so cool how warm and friendly the people are - ive grown to love them so much in the last week! oh and Lastenia, the woman with whom I live, is also amazing. Her son died just 40 days ago and she{s so happy to have company that she tells everyone she meets that she has a gringa for a daughter. she worries incessantly about me, about how much i eat, where im going, etc - she was afriad last night that when I came to San Salvador today to meet with the CRISPAZ staff that they were going to take me away because I had sunburn and it was somehow her fault :-) She's about 65 years old and I guess you could literally say dirt poor. Her house is very humble, she cooks with a wood fire, sleeps on a hammock and takes care of her animals all day (which, by the way, have free domain in inside the casita) So tuesday began my first day of work. Noe, my coordinator in the canton (the countryside), had me come with him to Berlin to a charla (discussion) about the environment and the issue of the privitization of water in El Salvador. It was such a nice break from the two days of self-pity I'd endured! And, as I mentioned, people continued to visit Lastenia's casita during the evening and on Tuesday 3 guys about my age came to visit and now, only 5 days later, I have a couple of really good friends. Thank God for that, I think its just waht I needed to feel more at home -but more about that later. Wednesday I went a neighboring canton (about a 2 mile hike through the woods) to pasaquina, where I'll be teaching english two days a week. wherever I go the people greet me warmly and I really love how they have no concept of time, they just like to sit in the hammocks and talk for hours and it doesn't really matter if they have somewhere to be, the person with whom they're talking is always most important. Every wednesday I´'ll be going to a small city nearby called Estanzuelas to do some work there and attend what I would describe as a small faith group meeting. I think it{s going to be a welcomed break as the woman I spend the night with there has running water so I can take a somewhat normal shower, although I have grown to love the bucket shower method used in the canton. On thursday I returned to El condadillo (by bus: I never knew that so many people could fit on one bus at once or that busses could do so well on terrain I would never think to drive on). That night the same guys that had come to visit on Tuesday came again and we hung out for a few hours. One of them, Omar, is a permanent resident of the US and just visiting for the summer and he speaks pretty good english so we've had a really good time talking in english and we've become close friends. he's been a good support for me because he knows how it is to be a foriegn country, not understand the culture, and be confused about the language. They´ve been teaching me card games of El Salvador and ive had a great time beating them! it's fun to play with omar because we try to arrange it so that we can be partners and then we speak in english to talk about the game so that we can win. ok, maybe it is cheating, but it's fun :-). anyway, on thursday they invited me to come withj them to la presa (the dam) to swim and fish and go canoing on Friday. Because I didn{t have anything else to do, I went. I also think it{s neat how they invited everybody to come -lastenia, their parents, etc andnot just their friends. anyway, we had a blast, I swam all day long, got a bad sunburn, and had a blast. after we decided to go watch a girls softball game in the middle of a big field near el condadillo. i had a good time getting to know everyone! i found out that omar's sister was getting married on saturday and since I met his dad at the lake and his mom a couple days earlier, they were begging me to come. i was suppossed to teach english in pasaquina but the busses don{t run on saturdays and the road walk there is 2 miles and not safe for me to walk alone so we had some complications. noe told me that someone would come to get me in the morning betweem 5 and 7 so i waited and when no one came Lastenia decided that i was going to the wedding with her. the chartered school bus that was going to the wedding (a couple hours away) was leaving at 7 so we ran down the big road and caught it just in time. everyone was so happy i could come and it{s so neat how everyone thinks of me as a memeber of the community. the wedding was intriguing. the ceremony was the same, rather simple, but the people had a lot of joy. i really liked how it was the marriage that was most important, not the clothes, flowers, details,etc. it was very beautiful. anyway, as you can tell, ive been busy. ive been blessed to have a wonderful salvadoran madre, a lot of new friends, and lots of exciting things to do. i spent the whole afternoon yesterday playing with the kids (softball, futbol, you name it), in the trash-covered streets. they are so starved for attentino. when i went home they all wanted to walk me and i had like 6 or 7 kids each trying to hold my hands- i feel very loved, i just hope i can make them feel loved too. we played cards again last night and i can't believe that a week ago i didn't want to give this place a chance. i almost hate to leave fora couple days to come to san salvador! i can't wait to go back admist the mosquitoes, hot sun, smells etc to be with the people ive grown to love in just a week. anyway, sorry to write so much but i{m just very excited to share my expereinces with you all! ill probably send another email in a few weeks so dont{ worry about me crowding your inbox! and scroll on for the highlights! HIGHLIGHTS ---------------------- °On Friday when I went to swim at the dam with my new found friends a couple of thye guys were looking at the pictures I brought of my family and became totally enamored with my sisters. They keep saying "they are so beautiful well have to go to the US just to meet them!" later that day they started calling me cuñada, the equivalent of sister-in-law, and it{s stuck. so i now have two cuñados, or brother-in-laws here in El Salvador who have an infatuation with my sisters. (don{t worry chelsea, kayla, it{s all in good fun) °My third night at the house I was sleeping in peace, well protected under my mosquito net on my cot when I was suddenly awakened. I felt something rubbin on the underside of my bed and i was like "what in the world is that?" then i heard the snorting and realized there was a pig crawling under my bed. its funny to think how normal that is to me now and how it didn{t bother me - can you imagine that happening to you? °I now have a nickname, the spanish equivalent of card shark. i think it's pretty interesting - they are amazed at how fast ive learned the games adn theyre kind of mad that ive beat them so many times :-) And thats it for now! sorry for the length. know that i miss you all and i love you! i appreciate the prayers and support and i hope your summer is as great as i know mine will be! in the peace and love of Christ, michelle (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
1:04 pm	orientation! hi everyone! i´ve got my first (and probably only for another 2 weeks) chance to use the internet today and tell you all how things are going. whatever impressions i had about what el salvador would be like were completely destructed within a few minutes after coming off of the airplane. i was met with intense heat (AND they tell me it´s hotter where i´m headed out in the campo!), lots of mosquitoes, and some pretty strange smells that haven´t really subsided..hmm.... i met up with lynette and javier outside the airport (they are the program coordinators) and we all loaded up into a small pickup for the hour ride into san salvador. The country is like nothing ivé ever seen before, it´s hilly and green yet it still offers a somewhat barren look. there were small shacks where people lived built up all along the road and i saw a starving cow for the first time in my life. i just never imagined the poverty would be so bad - i mean, i dont know what i imagined, but it was certainly nothing like this. i did however feel, though, as i took it all in for the first time that it´s really good that i´m here to expereince this, learn about it, and share it with all of you. it´s soo good for us to open our eyes to the experience of our global brothers and sisters so that we can reach out to them with genuine love and compassion. San salvador is a very very busy city (i´ve never seen such crazy drivers in my life!), with lots and lots of people, pollution, and nonstop activity. the first things i noticed was how small the buildings are, how simply they are constructed, and how all the windows are barred and high walls lined with barbed wire surround each one. oh, and also the large number of vigilantes (watchmen) that stand in front of almost all houses and business (esp at night>) with large guns. it´s so different from anything i´ve experienced ! by now (3 days after my arrival); i´m used to all of that and i find the people absolutely intriguing! they are some of the nicest i´ve met and they all have such wonderful spirit! i´m staying in a house that belongs to crispaz and the other interns are wonderful! we´ve already began to form an awesome community and i´m looking forward to sharing similar expereinces with them this summer. this week has been so busy i don´t know what to highlight. hmm...well, the most intense and spiritual thing for me so far has been that yesterday we visited divina provedencia where archbishop oscar romero lived and the chapel in which he died. it was such a touching expereince to be there, walking the footsteps of El Salvador´s beloved martyr. wow....i can´t even explain how it felt and it made it easier for me to make my life a constant prayer of sacrifice for the greater glory of God. after that we visited the cathedral, which was so small and humble compared to the great cathedrals that i´ve seen, but the most exciting thing was that they were hvaing adoration of the blessed sacrament so i got to spend a few minutes with Jesus! :-) that was so exciting! The tomb of romero was beneath the church and also provided another moving experience, i knelt in the same place the holy father did when he visited the remains of who salvadorans call ¨the voice of the voiceless¨ and it was a very special time. we also visited the market yesterday. there were so many peoples, smells, colors, and voices ' i´m totally on sensory and emotional overload! we´ve spent all of our other time doing various orientation charlas, discussing everything from politics to economics to theology, to basic things we´ll kneed to know as we leave at the end of this week for the campo. it´s been very imformative and i can´t wait to spend some time with the beloved children of the church who live in such utter poverty. i´ve learned since i´ve been here that my placement is the poorest of all the 9 interns and that although lastenia lives in accomadatinos that are little more than a very small shack she has a wonderful spirit. i´m so excited to get to knwo her! i´ve been able to get over not having the neccessities of life a lot easier than i thought i would and i´m excited to have the opoortunity to live in solidarity with these wonderful people for the next 10 weeks! keep me in your prayers and i´ll try and post again when i can! peace and much love, michelle (Comment on this)