Last night was amazing. Its times like that that I don't ever want to forget. It was simple and lame, sure, and probably not all that special, but it was perfect. And NO, it didn't involve a boy. You all know me by now.

Anyway, I just went to dinner with two of my friends-- Megan and Kathleen. They're twins and pretty much the funniest people I have ever met in my life. I adore those two so, so much, and we've been really close friends since I was in middle school. I don't get to see them too much because they're really into sports during the school year and my school is busy kicking my ass, but once the summer cocmes around, we all hang out with each other a lot.

Going to this hole-in-the-wall diner is our thing. I dunno how it happened, but we just got into a routine. We go to the shiny diner on main street (no one actually knows its real name, its just really, really shiny, so that's what we call it) and we always order the same thing-- chicken tenders and fries. I only get chicken with them, too, which is sort of weird, but whatever. All we ever do is sit there and talk and laugh and its just so much fun.

Then we went back to their house and watched Juno with their mom. I bought  chocolate-covered pretzels and Reese's Pieces and we pigged out even more and we all cracked up, even though I've seen the movie three or four times.

It was a usual Megan-Molly-Kathleen outing, really. The last time I introduced them to 10 Things I Hate About You, which they had NEVER SEEN. But I was thinking about it today, and this is the sort of thing I'll miss. I wont miss those occassions that are out of the ordinary or a one-time thing. I'll miss going to the diner and talking about books and old people with Megan and Kathleen. They're two of my best, best friends. I love them.

Anyway, I've been itching for Alias lately. Well, lately meaning since last night, because J-Garn never ceases to make me want to MARRY her. I am a heterosexual girl, yes, and she is married to Ben Affleck, but I would marry her in a SECOND. I don't know if that's weird, but I don't care, either :P J-Garn = INCREDIBLE, in my book. She's just... adorable!

Im also craving hot men. Well, I mean, that went without saying, but its been a long time without my TV shows. Prison Break ended about thirteen and a half years ago, or something, and this season of House was an absolute joke with that whole "LETS CUT CHASE OUT" thing. Alias, too, has been gone for two years now, and that show was a breeding ground for hot men. David, Bradley, Michael, Justin, guhhhhhhh. Every boy on that show was hella hot, I think. NO WONDER IT WAS SO GOOD. 

... I cant believe I just said 'hella hot.' Whatever. The point is I'm missing hot men. Particularly Wentworth, David, and Robert. 

Tomorrow I start my hell-hole summer camp where I'll be volunteering to watch horrible demon kids with behavior and attention problems. I don't know WHY, but parents of kids with really severe learning/social disabilities seem to think THEATRE camp is the best place for their child. Um, no. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but you're idiots. I'M the one that has to keep your kid quiet backstage and focused on blocking and AWAY FROM THE LAWNMOWERS THEY THINK ARE GOING TO COME AFTER THEM AND KILL THEM. Every year theres... five or so. I'm hoping against all hope that this year won't be as bad, even though I'll be without my partner-in-crime, Jennie. Oh well. Im lame and excited I dont need to make lunch for myself every day.

...The end. This was long. I've come to realize that I make long and pointless LJ entries. I need to update with substance every once in a while!

PS: FLOOERS? Donde? This "yay, restarting!" thing wont work without activity, you know :P

I'm majorly bumming today. Majorly.

Lately Ive just felt like I've worked myself into a hole. Like Ive made so many mistakes, too many to handle right now. I'm in a corner and that's my own fault. I trusted people when I shouldn't have, I overreacted when I shouldn't have, I was mean and selfish when I thought that wasn't what I was doing. I realize that by trying to spare so many people's feelings sometimes, I just made it worse. I have to learn to be more honest and figure out what I want- not try to do what I think will make someone else happy or something that will calm things down.

Its not my job to calm things down. Its my job to do what I want. I can't continue to let myself bend and fit into what other people want or what they expect. 

Ive thrown away things I miss. I lost my best friend back in eighth grade because I thought I was right. How pathetic is that? We got in a fight and I refused to do anything proactive about it because I thought I was right. I'll always regret that and I'll always miss her, but I think four years is too long to change anything now.

I tried too hard to fit in. Freshman year, I had what I thought was a great gropu of friends. One of them, however, completely ruined my life for a good six months or so. I let it happen. I didn't fight back or stand up for myself or tell her she was PSYCHO. I let her sit me down and I let her say, "I'm not doing this to follow her, I'm doing this because this is what I want to do," like that was supposed to make me feel better. I hate that I still havent told her exactly how I think about her and I hate that she thinks she's perfect. I hate myself for letting her walk all over me, take THEM all over me. I was too preoccupied with trying to keep the peace and went about standing up for myself in the wrong way.

... But she's really ugly and looked grotesque at prom. Im a horrible person but that made me SO much happier.

And I mean, even online. I look back and realize how much I missed out on. I miss some people so much and I kick myself over opportunities I missed because I got too focused or wrapped up in something. I mean, some of it was great, like with Carrie- we'll always be close, I think, but I still wish I got into things more. I wish I was just MYSELF and I wish I still had some of my old friends back. Sure, I was hurt by some of them, but I did hurting as well. I am not part of a group or a pair- I am me. I can decide for myself who i want to be friends with, who I want to forgive, and what I want to do. I need to stop thinking that I'm not.

So I need to stop being too proud. I need to be prouder. I need to stop trying to be what people expect or what I think they want. I just need to be myself and be honest. Im going to try to mend bridge (slowly, because I'm a wuss) and really try to be honest with myself and everyone else.

Im sorry for the major wankfest! And Im leaving this public. Maybe some people will see it and help things along the way.

 

Anyone here skilled with S2 layouts? Im good with S1, but theres this on S2 layout I really like. Problem is, you've got to upload the style sheet or something, and Im totally lost.