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March 14th, 2008

09:32 am - Returning online Izzy and I came back home after a month in NYC with my family. There were promises he made, all of which he never kept and after over 5 months waiting for him to repair my laptop. All the while remaining calm and patient about it, I decided if I wanted it fixed it was going to have to be me who fixed what he broke. Yesterday I got the new screen and installed it. YAY me! I was very proud of myself. Self expression being rare these days. I still don't know where we'll end up, the Frank and me situation remains what it is, unknown. Were both trying, in our own ways and at the same time were also both trying not to give too much if that makes any sense. It has been 7 almost 8 years now, thats alot of history with one person. My main concern remains our daughter. How all of this effects her in the long run and what is in her future and mine. I'm tired of no commitments, I'm a commitment minded person, I want the protection. I at least know what I want, thats a start but seeing where it will take me is another. I know I'm being patient for now but I'm also just waiting to make my move. My life has always been interesting, I like a challenge and I'm aiming for less tragic circumstances as an end. Current Mood: complacent

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October 21st, 2007

01:08 pm Izzy and I have been at my mothers for two weeks now. Things between me and knarph have progressively gotten worse. Maybe we just have too much baggage between us, too much resentment. All I know is I'm hurting and he just doesn't get me. Current Mood: sad

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October 15th, 2007

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October 7th, 2007

09:08 pm - betrayal Over the past weekend I have been battling with something several years old, a plague that Frank caught, like an std that he caught and can't seem to get rid off. Oh... who am i kidding? It's his scummy ways catching up with him and effecting my emotions because I let them. I hate him for it. It makes me see him like tumor that I need to have surgically removed. I feel cold and heartless towards him more than I ever have. And its this anger that I'm allowing myself to feel that will give me the strength I need to handle things when the time comes. I think what I hate the most is what my mother said, he's just like your father. Current Mood: angry

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October 1st, 2007

10:16 am - Izzy My daughter, the one who makes me smile with her smile, the one person I would do anything for in this universe, the happiest girl I ever knew, precious and fragile things, brat to the core, the apple does not fall far from the tree, the izzy is a busy izzybee and many more mysterious things but most especially dear to me as her two older sisters have always been to me. Current Mood: amused

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May 26th, 2007

09:29 pm - May 27, 1989 Another year goes by. On this day, I married my ex Jay and in retrospect I can't help but be a little sad. Not because our relationship ended but because it effected our daughters lives. And now I'm once again in another long relationship thats seen its dose of both bad and good. The marriage word got dangled around so much that it got muddled into the background and now I'm afraid to attach myself to him. Sometimes when the thought crosses my mind, not quite sure why, it just does... I once again dabble with how neat it would be. But reality slams me against a wall, questions ramble so loud in my head and I tell myself why bother? He has asked so many times before, we played the were engaged card on "his" terms only for me to realise it was never going to happen. Now its no longer mentioned, he's danced around it, making it obvious to me that the subject of marriage is still not as important to him as it was once to me. sad. I miss the girl I use to be. I just want my fears to go away. I want Frank and I to raise Izzy and be happy. I want to be a family again, I just don't know how to make it be. I worry how this will effect Izzy in the long run. Having parents living together but not married, seeing the tension and the love there and having it hard to explain. Current Mood: crappy

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May 8th, 2007

08:57 pm - love life.. Lately I've become even more of a jaded person. I try to be nice and pleasant with my daughters daddy but its hard when he sees things one way and me another. Our relationship needs to improve if we are to get past anything, if we are to continue any relationship between us. I don't know if I can be just his friend. I can sit here and say I'd like to for our daughter, but if he remained as selfish as I see him it would be doomed. My mother even asked me if I really wanted to move to another state with him. She caught me thinking again, always mommy, she knows I'd like to be that brave but time has taught me to be more weary. Lately everything in me screams oh hell no! To just run back home, but alas and do what? I have two months to see if things improve with him. I might even just have until the end of the month because he may get a job in another state before I'm ready to leave this damned state. *venting* I've dropped the subtle short snippets of a start, conversation wise about wtf how do we improve things? I get nothing. In the end I fear I have nothing left to give him too. I'm at another damned crossroads. I'm really beginning to get annoyed with that word. almost! My friend ashley called me tonight. She's also reeling emotionally from a recent betrayal. Why is it when we are needy some men find us only to not want us once we are no longer that needy person? Current Mood: annoyed

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May 3rd, 2007

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December 9th, 2006

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April 4th, 2006

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March 14th, 2006

02:57 pm - broken.. I haven't slept, I've put my head down and closed my eyes for hours until I saw the daylight. The thought of having to tell myself over and over again all night and very possibly for the rest of my life. It's the thing I would not even wish on someone I hated. It's made me break down in unconsolable heartwrenching sobs even before I left the house last night. I'm torn to shreds inside, angry for having to make a choice, angry that he let anything get between us after I fought so hard for the love we had, for the love I feel for him. And in retrospect, that was probably the problem from the start. I supplied necessities, made life easier to cope with, and as the horrible thoughts I knew would come to haunt me start to dig their claws on me emotionally, I found myself with nothing left to give. I stopped getting any of the positive signs that maybe, maybe there was still an ounce of him that cared for me, that had concern for me, but there was nothing but hatred in his eyes. And once again, memories start flooding before my eyes, like watching a movie, but the characters are all too familiar, the scenes painful and tugging sharply through me. I wish I could just slip into the sand as I walked the park yesterday. But just like the last time someone crushed me, my heart pumped hard and fast only for me to realize I was once again walking barefoot in cold beach sand before dusk. Not giving a damn in the world, my world was broken, I was destroyed. The moon whispers soft words to me but I never hear her anymore, the comfort I seek now flows away from me faster than I can follow, further than I can make. I can't help how I feel, but I'm not even sure what emotion I'm feeling. One moment some friend notices something different about me, but they just can't put their finger on it. Until uncle said it, "the light that was her eyes, it's lost, she seeks solace.." I can't remember what the old fart mumbled on but to use my lyrics from an old song from years ago was the last straw. I know he let me storm away, at least he allowed me some dignity to mourn without more of his interfierance. I wish I weren't such a people person to everyone else, why couldn't the one person who mattered be the one to understand anything about me, or anything that I touched? Why did I fail him so miserably only to be left with the one thing left to do, leave him. I can say romantically speaking, I can dream that it would be to possibly have a chance in some future with my beloved, my cute one. But the real world has never been kind to me, I know where my faith stands now and though tomorrow may be another day, today.. tonight.. i weep and it will remain to feel like the end of my world because, it simply is. There isn't a shot in this lifetime for me to ever feel that blissfully happy feeling that use to flow so freely from my nuk... I feel like a stranger came home and took my place, I know I am now just letting someone map out the rest of what sure feels like wasted time without having that smile to greet me in the end of the day. I hate everything, I just do. I hate thinking that how he loved me was never what I saw it as but that he used me and used my best intentions for his personal gain for most of our relationship. As hard as I contemplate things, only logic rings clear, preaching to my conscience how betrayed I really feel. What makes people be like that? I can be cold, I can be calculating, I can even be heartless, however with all those things said put aside. The person would have to deserve it and even then, its faith not my choice to do with them as it wishes, I let go that part in of me a long time ago. I let my emotions blossom, it felt wonderful to feel again. Right now though, i'd trade almost anything for numb to stay just awhile and not fester, like i know it will. Current Mood: angry

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December 21st, 2005

10:14 am - Undiscovered - Someday I'll fully understand how AJ just knows how I feel with one look into my eyes. He told me to read the lyrics for all the songs on the album "Autobiography". Last night as Frank asked me what was wrong, once again I felt that lump in my throat. We both can't keep doing this, we know this but how do you make it stop? Who started what and when and most importantly when? We both can't help how we feel. I can smile even when all I want to do is cry. I can't help want him, it's just how its always been when I look at him. To tell me that I'm doing it again, only being happy when I want him felt like a ton of bricks coming down hard all over me. He's right, he can't make me believe he won't hurt me again and its killing me. These people, some which knew or eventually learned of our relationship can't imagine the pain I feel. Is it totally wrong of me to hate them for being who they are? That they blatantly disregard another woman's feelings for their own selfish needs to be something in his life. From Dena to Sara or whomever the flavor of the hour/day/week/month maybe, one constant has always been, me. We've been a constant lie in the very true nature of the term "relationship" for OMG it's 5 years now from December 13, 2001. Yet, I can't call our relationship the lie, I've met his family, I am the woman he introduced to the family he also put a wedge between him and them for by coming down to FL rather than let me go. I'm also the woman who waited over a year and a half for him when he kept telling me he loves me and he'll be with me soon. 5 years is an awefully long time for me, it's half the time I was married to Jay, it's time I'll never get back. Most importantly this type of hurt is irrevocable and even I know, I can't trust what I might do to myself or anyone. I try not to notice it being the holidays too much, it all slowly blends in after a hit. Oh AJ how your fairyprinces mommy has fallen into a rut of sorts emotionally is even frightening her. The pain that she feels inside growing each day coupled with a few morbid moments of rationality from friends who tell her that she can make it through this, get past it... somehow make the bitter tears that to icicles full of hate turn to warm smiles of appreciation for their strength and the strength they still see within her. But the wheels on the bus goes round and round, round and round, round and round... and I fear the worst is yet to come. Mother Joe told me awhile back, I'll reach a point where I will have to make a choice. Of course, since then I've noticed a few avenue of choices *shrugs*. Can't things ever be just simple mother? Can't they all just die some horrible deaths and fall off this earth? Sometimes I think I hear the voices that use to scream inside me, come back to haunt me and make me run away. How can something so strong and that feels so right ever be so wrong? Tell me!... Ashlee Simpson - Undiscovered lyrics Take it back, take it all back now The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips, I miss that now I can't try any harder than I do All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you I'm broken in two All the things left undiscovered Leave me empty and left to wonder I need you All the things left undiscovered Leave me waiting and left to wonder I need you Yeah I need you Don't walk away Touch me now how I wanna feel Something so real, please remind me My love, and take me back Cuz I'm so in love with what we were I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you Do u feel it too? All the things left undiscovered Leave me waiting and left to wonder I need you All the things left undiscovered Leave me empty and left to wonder I need you Yeah I need you When I'm in the dark and all alone Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door, Its then I know my heart is whole There's a million reasons why I cry Hold my covers tight and close my eyes Cuz I don't wana be alone All the things left undiscovered Leave me waiting and left to wonder I need you All the things left undiscovered Leave me empty and left to wonder I need you, I need you Cuz I can't fake and I can't hate But it's my heart Thats about to break You're all I need I'm on my knees Watch me bleed Would you listen please I give in I breathe out I want you, theres no doubt I freak out, I'm left out Without you, I'm without I'm crossed out I can't doubt I cry out I reach out Don't walk away Don't walk away Don't walk away Don't walk away ~~~ Frank, Don't make me walk away, I'm partly to blame yes for what we share, however rise above your own self less desires and don't make me walk away. There is nothing more tragic than the broken promises you should have left unsaid because I'm the one who was on the ground broken by what I ment to you. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes The World Go Round

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December 16th, 2005

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December 6th, 2005

03:04 pm - StillStuckInMD - When truth prevails Dear Frank, The abuse of constantly being lied to about dumb, insignificant shit proves to me that you're better off alone. I see that our past 5 years have not taught you that women do not deserve this kind of bullshit. I will not take that crap from you! You're pulling the same bullshit on me now that you pulled on someone you called crazy over 10 fucking years ago! Now look whose not only crazy but a whore? Why publicly humiliate you? Because reasoning with you went out the door with me when you closed fist punched me as I asked you to stop and then continued as you kicked me out of our home. You speak of my jealousy when you could not face the truth of me seeking a real man in someone else. A real man never has to lie about silly trivial things, you were more interesting being innocent and cute. Stick with that, it might work for you rather than the lying shitbag crap you pull on every tom dick and harry. Maybe after you decide to grow up and seek counselling you have a shot at being in a good relationship. I always found it strange that you could never sit and just tell me things about yourself but to strangers you say you can. Nice! Love, sixxy Also found on crazysixxycool's lj!! The other one that got away! Thanks knarph. meep.. meep.. Here's a dig for you from the lovely folks at adultfriendfinder.com, how do you like `em apples? Under that juicy red, it was rotten through its core! P.S. All older posts will slowly become public. I've got more suprises coming unless I get a sincere public apology but since I know it would be a cold day in hell, I think I'll just amuse myself somemore. StillStuckInMD (Update Profile) I really hate filling these things out. Standard Member StillStuckInMD Member Since: July 22, 2005 Ask me for a photo My Blog Busted cant be trusted! Post Date Frank the Fucktard 12/6 25 year old Man in Pasadena, Maryland, United States Looking For: Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 women) or TS/TV/TG for Erotic Chat or Email, Discreet Relationship, 1-on-1 sex, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities Profile for StillStuckInMD No, honestly. I do. If you were sitting right here I could tell you all about myself with no problem. The second I sit down to fill out one of these profile things I just sort of freeze up. For now, until I get this updated if you want to know more about me (which I doubt with this bad profile) you should just contact me. Ideal Person: To be honest with you, I've been stuck in a huge rut lately and I'm sick of it. I need to get back to the way I used to be. Always trying new things with new people and figuring out things we all liked but had never really thought about. StillStuckInMD's Information: Gender: Man Birthdate: August 18, 1980 (25 year old) Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Lives in: Pasadena, Maryland, United States UPDATE: Lives in Tampa, FL Marital Status: Single Height: 5 ft 9 in / 176-178 cm Body Type: Average Smoking: I'm a light/social smoker Drinking: I'm a light/social drinker Education: BA/BS (4 years college) Race: Caucasian Male Endowment: Average/Average Circumcised: Yes Speaks: English Current Mood: amused

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11:10 am - knarph: pokes six on the belly, then points to both of us "broken...fix?" Last night when I asked him about the call I saw he received from my mom was about he told me he told her about me being possibly on drugs again. As I listened to him explain, I saw the fear in him grow. It made the anger I felt subside but yes I resent him for it. I'm a self admitted abuser, I'm well aware I have a problem. What he fails to see is that he helped cause that problem. But what do I know? He's not using, I have been. Lets forget about the times he out of the blue asked me lets get loaded. Yes, even I used it as an excuse to come see him the other night. We are both guilty of enabling one another, so why point the finger? *shrugs* I have needs, we all do. Just because I'm out of the house, and he's managed to do the unthinkable to me (kick me out, which translates to throwing me out. You do not throw someone you love away unless your incapable of solving your problems without violence. There is no difference. Just a formality in words and action.) Tough love? Perhaps. Frank: "Get out and stay out until you clean up and come back to reality!" Spoken so eloquently. Whose reality? His? Where he dictates when I should be home and who my friends, not fags should be? Perhaps I'm incorrect in how I understand his use of the slang fag might be. I don't know much about anything lately anymore. I thought I knew him but I don't know if he even knows himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ affirmation One entry found for affirmation. Main Entry: af·fir·ma·tion Pronunciation: "a-f&r-'mA-sh&n Function: noun 1 a : the act of affirming b : something affirmed : a positive assertion 2 : a solemn declaration made under the penalties of perjury by a person who conscientiously declines taking an oath. He speaks to me like a child. Puzzled, perplexed yet mostly amused I typically ride the tide with him to see which shore it lands us on emotionally. // You scream and yell at me, you call me horrible unthinkable names, including being a whore, you beat down on me with your own body weight, your hands choked my neck only long enough to see me hurt and then you release your hold. What so you won't bruise me? I yelled out at you! It isn't that I don't care, however nothing I could ever say, scream or spew out in anger, and I have a large vocabulary of curse words, should ever warrant those atrocious acts to me or another! I am angry, I have every right to be. // I know I hurt you with my accusations, but you are not and have never been upfront and forth coming with who you are. // Don't date a hacker chick and expect her not to dig. I just didn't realize you hated me finding these things about you so much that you were more than happy to help me dig my own grave to hide those things about you. // Because had I not done as you demanded last wednesday morning, not that you gave me a choice. I fear you would very easily end up killing me. Frank you are a violent and dangerous person. You and I have shown me that you have become the worst addiction I have ever encountered in my life. Frank you rage and one day it will go too far and I will be dead because you killed me. // These are things I see from my side. Broken and shattered pieces of what we turned into. I'm not a bad person, and neither are you Frank. But when your hands that can touch so so sweetly which brings me to the brink of madness turned into fists, you went too far. Even you agreed with me on this. Changes need to occur. I don't call these shots, but I deserve someone who wants me for the person I am now, not the Liza you knew or thought you knew. Until then, yeah I'll numb myself. I'll wake up every morning wondering who you've made smile last night. Who will feel those hands and whose heart you'll steal away and wonder, will they also feel your fists one day? I need to know by words, actions that I am the only one. I will never share your heart with dena or sara or whomever you fancy, there i said it. Pain is loving you. Current Mood: listless

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November 30th, 2005

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November 20th, 2005

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November 7th, 2005

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October 25th, 2005

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