i'm really scared.
i'm watching the republican national convention
and every single network on television looks like something out of a
Orwellian-type movie.
it's absolutely terrifying.
in the background i have KPFK streaming
while watching however, i notice they make quick shots to
protesters who have banners, and so the que is,
when the crowd chats 'usa, usa' over and over
its means anti-mccain protesters are being removed
from the convention, and most likely being arrested.
KPFK is the ONLY medium comments on this AS its happening
informing its listeners of what is actually happening.
they just announced that police outside are making
sweeping arrests outside the venue.
NO other media-outlet are reporting on these things.
how are we ever to become an informed, a truthfully informed
society if NO ONE is reporting honestly anymore.
where would i go for the truth if it wasent for KPFK
where do mid-westerners go for progressive-honest
journalism?
THIS is why, and how the government suppress us as a society
controlling us.
yet,KPFK is out there, and its up to us to seek
media outlets that are not funded by corporations.
ugh.
i'm moving to canada.

ok while typing the previous entry
i had on the We channel on a
20/20 special called "sex myths"
apparently it was a 2008 show but it looked like it was
made in the late 70's.
and they conclude that guess what????
women like:
sex!!!
who would have known.
oh and of course they made NO FUCKING
mention of gay/lesbian sex.
'if we dont talk about, it dont exist'

and the woman journalist acts sooooo surprised and says,
"so what you're saying, is women like porn!?!?!"
you would have though someone told her we found life and mars
"say it aint so"

oh and get this,
they get the older, middle aged lesbian (she's not out of course) journalist
to do the piece on penis size!!!
are you FUCKING kidding me!!!
i hate you 20/20

yesterday
i'm on the 101 headed southward in traffic
6:20PM
and i'm having a monologue in my head
it went something like is:


in all honesty
i didnt like him
cause he gave off the "defeated male" aura
when i met him.
in all honesty
its something i detest the most
about men.
i dated a guy briefly who
saw us at together
he later text me the following:
'i saw you with you girlfriend,
please never attempt to contact me again'
that made me laugh a little.
really???
are you so insecure with yourself
and seeing me with another woman
makes you disgusted with me?
ive always been honest with the guys ive dated
about my feelings toward women.
one exboy was very happy for me
and to this day inquires about
how we're doing.
so anyway,
you're ex
not the same.
he's too much of a manly man thinking
'how dare you woman fool me'
'i am man, i beat on my chest, i drag you by your hair'
(insert ape/caveman sounds here)
so when i see him i wanna say,
'get off your high horse buddy!
your obviously view women as subservient
and as objects to be conquered by you.
i kinda wanna tell the current girl your dating
but guess what??
we do just fine, and you or your penis
are not needed here."

this article is a MUST READ, it exemplifies exactly how I feel about ms perry's songs.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25802385/


opinions are welcomed! :)

If i were a song i think this is
how i would be described:



mellow rock instrumentation
a subtle use of vocal harmony
mild rhythmic syncopation
repetitive melodic phrasing
major key tonality
string section beds
a prominent banjo part
unusual vocal sounds

The beauty of living in California
are the earthquakes.
we just had one.
5.4 out of Chino
i felt that sucker all the way
in North Hollywood!
our office building is on rollers
we swayed to the beat of mama earth
i have to admit i was gonna pee my pants.
like what do you do?!!
i was chatting with houda as it happened
i misspelled 'earthquake'.
called the family. everyone is a-ok :)

last night:
houda and i
went to hamburger mary's in LB
for their monday night drag show.
AWESOME!
then walked to a little bar for their karaoke
cute little gay boy
said we looked like each other!
funny cause we were just talking about
lesbians that match. ha!
i dont think we match in the slightest.
shes a foot taller than me
tall and thin
i'm a short stub of a person.
must be the curly hair!

Since I cant Sleep I just thought i'd share a couple photos of my girlfriend and I at Pride LA. After 5 margaritas we were pretty drunk and having a great time. I love my curly haired girlfriend!
( blah blah blah )

im at work.
sneeky, sneeky.
i also stream
internet radio.
i'm going straight to hell.
its Thrusday.
fuck em all. :)

damn...
so much emotion
so much i want to share.

lets start with
the park that opened right across the street from my shoebox apartment.
vista hermosa park:
(let me start with some background for ya'll)::
so i went grocery shopping after work
and the best buy hands down was a pack of
12 lucerne fudge bars for $3!!!
so of course i cant wait to get home put
all the groceries away
and tear into that box of fudgecicles
(technically i cant call them fudgecicles
casue they're the vons brand-poo man
version of the fudgecicles brand)
anyway...where am i going with this?
oh yeah! so after i devour my fudgecicle
i decide i'm gonna take a walk thur the new park.
and boy was i GLAD!!!!
it is soooooo beautiful! words cannot descibe how
amazingly gorgeous this park is
its like 10 acres or something and has THE MOST
spectacular view of the downtown skyline fucking
ever.
so tomorrow i'm gonna take my camera around dusk and take some
shots to share, cause seriously i've fallen in love with this park.
i was already scoping out places to set up a picnic
and read a book. oh and get this:
it has a FIFA approved or sized soccer field!!
fucking huge and if i played soccer, i'd be a little more excited.
so i'm walking around, and they have this beautiful waterfall and pond
once i approach it, what do i see???
little brown kids using it as their bath tub!!!
ayyyy fucking latinos!!!
if my mom was with me, we'd have a good laugh
together.
(in defense of not sounding like a racists buffoon, i'm a frijol too
i know my peoples, and they're not the smartest or posses the most
common sense....probresitos.)
anyway i cant get over how great this park is.
FINALLY thanks Los Angeles for having some sense and finally
completing a project that turned 10 years to make.
should i be a little worries that theres a fault line
running right thru the park though?? ehhh...fuck it,
i have somewhere to read my books outdoors.

i have tons more to say but im kinda sleepy.
hasta manana.

when week after week
you have to count down the 5 days
to the weekend.
week after week.
you know your between a rock and a hard place.
when you literally feel your ass grow
cause you're sitting on it 9 hours of the fucking day.
you know your nothing more than a chimp
at a desk.
and that is me ladies and gentleman.
this is what i've been whittled to.
and i cant even say the pay compensates for
anything really.
cause i get paid really shit money.
and that my friends
is my life.

my boss (president of the company) cant even take a shit peacefully without getting calls
left and right from the client or some-other millionaire. at home mind you.
my boss has high blood pressure (shes at risk of a heart attack)
a failing wrist.
a broken back.
a husband in a marriage that im pretty sure is not at its peak.
three children she barely knows.
oh, let me re-phrase that
three spoiled fucking terror of children
who she barely knows.
but she's a millionaire.
she travels extensively
and can afford herself pretty much anything.
but at what cost?
he health?
her family?
its just not worth it to me.
not a single penny.

why is it wealthy people are so out of touch with
reality?
fucking wake up people!!!
and in my dept. at work
these people are everywhere
pretentious, trust fund children
walk around like their shit dont
stink.
these people are in for a rude awakening...
it will happen.

(I'm too exhusted to be articulate tonight)

my head hurts
and i cant stop feeling
terrible.
i'm pms-ing.
i wanna jump off a cliff
or pull out my hair strand my stand
or yell at the top of my lungs
or cry
instead i'll drink a stiff drink

i sometimes am
the person i cant stand the most.

I'm going to start my period.
I'm crying
to my netflix season 4 finale of The L Word.
Pretty pathetic.
Then I started thinking too much
about my life and this life
and your life
and how we're all here just to shit on one another.

People expect certain sympathies because of their experiences.
They think, "I went thru this and that now you need to be accommodating to ME!!"
Why is that?
(And, I'm sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you.)
Wake up.
Grow up.
Learn.
Become the person you want to live with for the rest of your life.
Cause baby I know those Dior sunglasses don't keep you warm
at night.

Anyway,
I'm on the pooper reading Paper Magazine
more like perusing,
(we all know extended time on the toilet is a no-no for that rear region)
ANYWAY,
I'm perusing, and I come across that near-the-end fashion section
'note from kim'
where the next 25 pages are graced with model after self-deprecating model
wearing the most hideous of,
dare I call that fabric, 'clothing' because lets get real here
no one can honestly wear that shit and be comfortable or not look like a psychopath.
(yes, yes I know we're all well aware of the supressing fashion industy, and I've watched
the Devil Wears Prada, so I'm well aware of the huge 'contibutions' Gucci
made to my choosing of a $20 pair of Forever 21 jeans made in Thailand..
I'm not even going there!)
This is about what I looked at in a Magazine,
those models...
stiff, stone cold,
stoic,
suppressed.
Was this a statement?
or is this really how women are viewed in our society?
it was disturbing.
I understand the "art" aspect, however
isint art supposed to immitate life?
or is it the other way around?

YESSSSSSS.....
So I'm back
with a vengance.
(not really, though, just always wanted to say that.)

I miss you so much,
blank electronic page you.

So much has happened in two years.
A little more than half of me wants to delete my previous entries.
I'm not that person anymore,
and thank-god for that.
but the other less than half of me feels that
those tortuous entries are what have brought me
to who I am now.
Self-Discovery if you will....

Let me try to summarize my last two years:

i graduated from college
i got a "real" job in advertising.
i get paid kinda shitty.
i live in a studio in Echo Park all by my-self.
i have a wonderful/beautiful girlfriend, whom I love dearly.
i made new firends.
i still hang out with old school friends.
i'm still running.
i'm still trying to quit smoking.
i can't party like i used to.
i prefer staying in with her most of the time.
i'm loving life.
i'm finally happy.

stay tuned...more to come :)

havent been here in a while.
im only here when im most emotional
i think my eye sight is going, the screen is kinda blury.
anyway, i saw my ex-boyfrined today
and we ran into some girls he knew.
i think he's currently dating one of them
so i ran away.
and he said "whats wrong with you?"
and i said "i dont wanna meet your friends"
and he said, "now they're gonna ask, 'whats wrong with your friend?'"
and i said, "tell them i didnt want to meet them"
seems simple enough, right?
but then he says, "well, now they are going to think your wierd"
then i say, "who fucking cares?!?"
then im reminded of why we didnt work out in the first place.
and i start to cry.
i've been doing that alot lately.
i watched some movie where this lady kills herself
and she looks so peaceful, rested, left alone.
like sylvia plath or something. except i dont have anything to offer the world.
i think i'm just reading too much Bukowski lately and everything he's saying is
just making a little too much sense and stuff. whiskey and water tastes oh so good.
and my mom is always tying to put things into perspective like
listing all the things i "should" be happy about
and its true if i lived in Nicaragua and was truly homeless or starving then
i should be pretty pissed off at the world.
but the truth is i'm not.
im here sitting selfishly being pissed off at the world
for not loving me.
and life is fucked up no matter who or where you are.
so excuse me while i bask in my meloncholy sappy loniness of whatever
but i happen to enjoy being sad and depressed becasue its the only thing
i know.
i've lied when i've said i was ever happy.

"Thats the way" by Led Zeppelin has got to be one of their saddest/beautiful songs.
it came on my ipod while basking in the sun at school waiting patiently for 2:30 to roll around to take my final, and the song kinda caught me off guard. suddenly my mind stopped thinking whatever stupid thing i was thinking about, and i was just concentrating on the song. it almost made me cry. i got this shiver, and then goosebumps all over my body, but i was literally sweating, since i was sitting under the sun. then i thought...."what the fuck am i doing right now, with my life, thinking stupid things, hating edgars girlfriend, hating edgar, hating in general letting myself be used by people, feeling ugly all the time, missing helen, missing shit in general, feeling stupid all the time, feeling useless...what am i doing? then i really started to cry, right there at school, and i felt shitty and happy at the same time. happy that i have my health and family, but shitty in that i feel so alone. i dont know if i like that feeling very much. its like i just want to be rescued, and then, at the same time i just want to give up. its like, "what are you doing thats so special" and the truth is, nothing.

last week of school...finally.
i;ve got one more semester i think?
i really dont want to walk...but i must for my family
im the first EVER in the history of our family
to have a college education, so i guess i owe them
some photos with a cap a gown.

my brother was just admitted to San Francisco State Univ.
im going to move up there with him as soon as i graduate.
im so super excited.

other than that nothing too exciting,
just partying a lot.
god i love being young.
i want to stay 22 forever.

of lies
crying
feeling pathetic all the time
hating myself
hating you
hating everyone
being used
being treated like shit
shit talking
immaturity
drunkeness
my binge eating and purging
not losing weight,
and my perpetual weight gain
pimples on my face
of life.

what i want (ill take either A or B):

A) a 40 year old rich man.
attractive, mildly.
nice
giving
rich
who wants to take care of a
struggling 22 year old
chubby college student.
good luck to me!

B) a nerdy 22-25 year old
boy who reads too much, is modestly intelligent
and who will love me and shower me with affection.
good luck to me.

men make me sick sometimes, actually most of the time
then why do i want one so bad?

i'm just tired of being shitted on by pathetic excuses for men.
i'm tired of being led on, only used for sex, and treated like shit.

"oh i'm working things out with my ex...i thought i told you that..."
ummmm....somewhere between you coming over, making out and the blowjobs
i must have not heard that part. you fucking prick.

yeah, i hate men.

I've never gone out
partied, drank, danced, smoked,
and had so much fun in my life.
well, ok, maybe i did in London,
but not with close friends like
i have recently.
its been good times
but my deep fear is getting fat
from drinking so much alcohol.
i have to cut back....seriously.
oh, but dancing while drunk has to be
second best to sex on how great it feels
physcially, in my opinion.
or i just cant really think of whats
second best to sex right now...
but im sure theres something else.

im really poor right now
i officially overdrew my checking account.
damn.
thank god for credit cards.

i bought the best of the Talking Heads CD
very danceable.

work still sucks.
school i want to end soon...

When did my life become a
fucking soap opera?
oh, thats right,
when i backstabbed my only
best friend
and when my exboyfriend
cheated on his girlfriend
with me
and when i made out with a girl
in public,
and now everyone cant keep their mouth
shut
well go ahead talk your shit
but while you're talking folks,
you may want to evalutate how perfect you are.
maybe i'm giving myself a little too much credit here
but i've admitted my mistakes
endured their painful consequences
the truth is i'm tired of beating myself up
about it.
not a day goes by that i dont hate myself.
i just dont know what else to do...