| Indecision 2008: ShMikenalysis |
[30 Aug 2008|03:50pm] |
Alaska, 1984:
"Miss Wasilla, if you became Miss Alaska, then Miss America would you do?"
"I would bring world peace."
"And how would you do that?"
"Hmm"
24 years later....
I believe this presidential election has officially become the biggest joke ever. Back when it was just McCain vs Obama, there was SOME integrity, but now after picking VP running mates. It's just rediculous. Lets take a look!
Republican Party: John McCain and Sarah Palin. I think while eating his apple sauce, someone made a joke that he should make his running mate be some hot chick to generate votes. The problem is he took them seriously. In a way it's a little genious of him to pick up all of the feminist voters that were disappointed in the lack of Clinton. Providing such hope as he is an old cancerous man (who's not sure how many years of life he has left), and not only did he pick a woman to run alongside him, but a woman who could still make an appearance in Maxim.
Democratic Party: Barak Obama and Joe Biden. I think Obama needs to go under a psychological exam. Not because Joe Biden is a bad choice. He became senator back in 1973, when Obama was a preteen in Hawaii. Hell, he's still running for senator this year, in order to cover his ass. The fact that Obama chose someone so qualified to run with him makes we wonder if Obama just wants to die. I can honeslty see if Obama gets elected president, he gets assassinated within the first month, so the old (not as old as McCain) and experienced white guy with grey hair can take over.
My question is, who will the bigots vote for now? Perhaps Obama, and then they'll grab their rifles, because it will be hunting season?
Lets sum up each of the people mentioned above.
John McCain: old dying man, just wants to be president before he dies. Living a childhood dream
Sarah Palin: wants to bank on all the Hilary voters who just wanted her because she is a woman. She looks like an intern which Bill would have fornicated with in his day. GILF who should never be a PILF. Seriously, how hard is it to govern Alaska anyway?
Barak Obama: wants to make history. Promises change because he would be the biggest change. Still probably doesn't know what he's doing, but he's banking on the speech stylings of Martin Luther King to make him sound impressive.
Joe Biden: The white guy. After losing his own bid for president, he probably sees Obama as an opportunity for him to become president someday.
And who the fuck is Ron Paul? Youtube make him out to be some sort of savior.
In conclusion, this election is an extended SNL skit. What we really need is a Jew in the white house...
"ShMike for President, 2012"
Fuck yeah!
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| The Future of MetalSpace Radio...A Heartfelt Goodbye |
[25 Jul 2008|06:16pm] |
Hello. I'm writing as I regret to inform you that MetalSpace Radio has ceased operation for the time being. There are a number of reasons, the most important one is that I have left 90.3 The Core, which was the provider of the airwaves, the equipment, and the music used to make the show great. Certain internal conflicts were the primary cause of this departure. At the same time, my life has changed drastically over the past few months. I am in the process of trying to find an apartment which is closer to my job, which happens to be too far from 90.3 The Core.
Will I ever return to 90.3 The Core? Most likely not. I was involved with that station for five years. I've watched it grow over the last five years. I'm giving myself two years to let the station grow on its own. Maybe then I will return, with a refreshed view of radio. None of this is certain. I wish 90.3 The Core and its staff the best of luck.
What does this mean for the show? First off, I will eventually post the final shows. I need to get my files off a computer at 90.3 The Core. I'm considering throwing a party (don't know where yet), djing it, recording it, and posting it online as my last show.
Will MetalSpace Radio ever return? As we speak, I am in talks with other FM stations in New Jersey to offer my show. Even if this does not happen, once I do move and get settled in I will restart the show as an online show only, working with stations (such as KWTF) which once syndicated MetalSpace Radio. Eventually, I might even try to start a radio station of my own, networking with metal shows on eclecticly formatted radio stations (ie. college and community radio stations) and use my own station to bring their show into the spotlight, as well as share with them the music, which makes up the loud and the underground.
Stay Metal,
Mike "ShMike" Robbins
90.3 The Core 2003-2008
MetalSpace Radio 2006-2008
ShMikeX@Gmail.com
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[26 Apr 2008|08:28pm] |
Imagine a concert where Black Sabbath performs with both Dio and Ozzy in the lineup. Imagine Dimebag rising from the grave to perform live with Pantera one more time. Imagine Iron Maiden, Metallica, Megadeth, Judas Priest, Anthrax playing intermittently with bands such as Children of Bodom, Testament, Dream Theater, GWAR, Lamb of God and many more.
Sound too good to be true, right?
Yes you are.
However RIGHT NOW for one night only, just close your eyes and listen to the live program which will be presented to you by ShMike, Slayrah, and whoever else attends...
THE METALSPACE FANTASY CONCERT!!!
Playing the Live and the Amplified
RIGHT NOW!!! 8-10pm EST
In Central Jersey on 90.3 FM
Online at www.thecore.fm
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| Satellites and Astronauts... |
[16 Feb 2008|12:17am] |
"Been hiding since I heard "never"
Take me back to yesterday, I need to grow..."
So I've ascended tonight in my meaning of love. It happened earlier at the diner. I was talking to her and she was telling me how happy she was that she was planning on going to move away with her boyfriend in a few months. That she always dreamed of living there. When she told me the other night, I had flipped out, hell I flipped out tonight when the discussion first started. Then it hit me, like an sudden realization. All this time I've thought about wanting to make her happy. But in all reality I just want her to be happy. And that's where love got redefined for me....
Love is when you want someone to be happy...no matter what the cost. I want her to be happy. I want her to follow her dream. And if her dream is to move away, so be it. And if it's to move in with this guy, then she should do it. As much as I really really really really wish she'd fall for me and want to be with me, I know that doesn't look to be happening anytime soon if ever. So she should do what it takes to make herself happy. Love is putting someone dreams in front of yours. I love her, I always will in one way or another. It kills me inside to see her happy with another man, but a part of me is glad to see she is happy, even it's not with me. And I know that if she ever needs me, I will be there because of that love.
So for a guy with a broken heart, I know that one little piece is beating because she is on her way to following her dream and being happy. As I rebuild it and make it stronger, I know that little piece will always be there, beating for her happiness. Time will pass and eventually it won't hurt as much anymore. And maybe I'll find someone along the way who will make me happy because I make her happy and vice versa. At least, I hope so.
"Buy me a trip to the moon
So I can laugh at my mistakes
You see, I can see the end from here
From this perspective it looks kind of silly
Satellites and astronauts
Tell me there are greater things ahead..."
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[03 Feb 2008|10:40pm] |
I guess this is finally a point in time where I'm by myself to collect my thoughts together and document the past month in my life.
So despite being all the way in Lakewood, my commute is only 35-40 min, which isn't so bad. It's about an hour from there to the station. It's funny, there is a random spot in the parking lot where I can get The Core in well enough to listen. What sucks is someone seems to have an XM set to 90.3 because often I hear Howard Stern rather clearly. It's not like I can put a banner on my car saying "Don't put your XM on 90.3." Oh well, I can always listen from my cube. Yes, I have a cubicle. Desk, computer, whole nine yards. I've been slowly learning my job. Not only that, but in my spare time there I've been coding a helper tool for my dept. It's pretty much done, I just need to lay it out better. But yeah, when I showed the boss the functionality he was impressed.
The people there are pretty friendly. Everyone seems to get along. It's a large facility, I still get lost sometimes. I'm basically learning all the functions of the departments. It's pretty exciting stuff. I got paid on Friday with a quite decent check. It's funny too because I make twice as much money there as I do at my other job, but I don't get quite as tired as I do at the other job.
I've decided March will be set for a time for decision making. To figure out if I have the resources to move out, and/or quit my old job. It all depends on which I think is more important. I'm hoping to find a roommate and go half on a two bedroom. That would be nice. I just need to find a reliable friend who's looking to do it. I'm trying to make a conscience effort to hang out with old friends from high school as well as friends who live close to my geographic location. I need to stop using the station as a crutch to escape my home life. Plus the good things I had hoped to have there...didn't work out the way I had hoped...
So I ended 2007 with the question of a situation between me and my good friend who I had developed feelings for and towards the end she seemed to feel something too. Break came and it seemed all the feelings for me (if there ever were any) just died. Unfortunately, that hope presented to me at the end of last year made my feelings anything but weaker. What's worse is not only did she not have feelings for me, but she felt guilty that I had feelings for her and no longer wished to be my friend because of it. In fact, my mere existence seemed to hurt her. So how am I supposed to feel? Not only do I feel bad because she doesn't feel for me, but I feel bad because I'm making her feel bad just by having these emotions. And that makes her feel bad because I feel bad and it's an infinite loop of suck....
...I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, I'm sorry I have these feelings, I'm just fucking sorry that I'm ruining everything for you. I guess you are better off without me...
Yeah, I'm trying to numb myself of my feelings. That's how I got over the problem in the past. Not isolation and avoidance. Just existing. There are moments where I seem to have a grasp on the situation, and then there are moments where I am miserable. Perhaps had it just been the rejection I wouldn't feel as horrible, but with everything that came that night, it fucking hurts. Much like how I can't directly control my emotions, I can't just forget people. I hope this is the last time I write about this...In due time I should be back to my normal self.
I'm trying to keep myself busy, with working 56 hours a week between two jobs and doing things at the radio station. I have a week to decide my future at the station. I still intend on doing my show for quite some time. However, to be on exec staff, I'm not too sure of. There is one position that I want, but if a student is running for that, I refuse to run against them. But if no one is running for it, I most likely will. Especially since the position interests me. And if there is a situation that happens when I'm not around, I will have backup. I don't know.
Overall, it just seems that 2008 is both really good and really bad. I'm happy about my job situation. I'm not so happy about my women situation. And I'm unknown about what the next few months will bring for any or all that I have mentioned in this little note.
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[01 Jan 2008|03:59pm] |
Hey guys! Happy 2007! Let's hope there are some kickass albums coming out this year. In the meantime I'm trying to compile a list of the best metal albums in 2007.
I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to send me a list of your favorite albums of 2007.
I'm going to use the results and present them on this Saturday's show (8-10p EST, www.thecore.fm). If your curious to hear some of my favorite albums, you can download my show from 12/29 which is now available on www.metalspaceradio.com.
Thanks in advance!
-ShMike
MetalSpace Radio with ShMike
Every Saturday 8p-10p Eastern
Listen Online: www.thecore.fm
Request Line: 732-445-9300
Request AOLIM: CoreRequests
www.myspace.com/metalspaceradioshow
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| 2k7 Year in Review |
[31 Dec 2007|08:09pm] |
So we approach the end of 2007 where I get to analyze the year. 2007 started like many TV series do...slow and boring. I had learned a lot this year though as time went past.
I spent early 2007 at a split road on deciding whether I would rather cram as many classes as possible into my already tight schedule and goto summer school and graduate, or just go for one more semester and relax a little. For a change I chose the more expensive method by dragging it out through the fall semester. It worked out better this way and you'll also find that out as you read on.
On the radio station side, my close friend and I developed an idea which would help alleviate some of the problems in the station. However at the time of proposal this wasn't easily practical. However, the thought has opened up again, so who knows? Also on the station side I had given up my Metal Director powers to someone newer who deserved it. Needless to say he's done an amazing job in the position. I had decided to pursue my dream to be Production Director and I won the election this time.
This was a big station year. The summer of 2007 was spent working on two projects. The first was rebuilding the production studio, something intended to happen before I even started at the station. We got brand new equipment (though I sometimes miss the old), and the studio is almost completely done now. The other project was the Tower of Tomorrow. See back in October 2005, 36 hours were spent on the air in a mall raising money for this new signal which would basically double our old signal. By the summer of 2007 we managed to get all the fiscal and legal stuffs together to build this thing. No, we didn't build a radio tower. We did install equipment into this shack at the bottom. We had to do some electrical maintenance on it as well. Twas fun. It made me feel worthy of the T-shirt.
With the studio operational, the tower ready to go, and me about to finish my final semester, it seemed nothing would knock me down. Then I fell in love. I shoulda saw that one coming! I had spent a good portion of late 2006 and most of 2007 basically convincing myself that I shouldn't let women get in my way right now, I should block myself from going to meet women I would end up chasing and distracting myself from what was important. But the attack this time was from within. A friend, one of my best friends really, had started hanging out with me more since she started at my school. And before I knew it, I had really strong feelings for her. Of course I realize this about a month too late as she had a boyfriend. Then she decides she has some feelings for me but is unsure of anything at the moment. If anything the rollercoaster of emotions between me and her even made what I went through in high school with someone seem so small. She has since then broken up with her boyfriend, and right now there is a lot in question. Hopefully with 2008 there will be some clarity at last.
She actually joined the radio station, and was witness to the monument event of activating the new signal. Unfortunately, what I had thought was the start of a golden age became tainted. The stress at the station is right now at an all time high. People are angry at other people. Drama has developed amongst staff members, and people seem to forget that this is supposed to be about having fun, not judging people based on their musical content. Educational opportunity, not business. It's sad because it drives away a lot of people, especially people who want to get involved (such as young staffers), who would potentially do a good job in whatever position they wanted, but don't want to deal with all the bullshit. I can see where they are coming from. It's a shame that our exec staff for a STUDENT organization has a small amount of students. I'm not one to talk, I'm now an alumni, but still.
The latter half of 2007 was spent going on interview after interview after interview with the hopes of landing a job that I could start in January. What seemed hopeless towards the end turned out great as I got offered a job literally my last night at Rutgers ever. I start on the 14th of January.
So what have I learned in 2007?
- Sometimes sanity is worth more than saving a thousand dollars or two.
- The concept of "Tomorrow" isn't as promising as it seems.
- Strange stuff is going to happen when you least suspect it.
What do I have to look forward to in 2008?
- Working new job and saving money for things.
- Move out of my Dad's house for good. (Celebrate my 23rd birthday in May in my new apartment)
- See if giving up weekends is worth the 8000 dollars a year.
- Helping the station become a place where most people will feel welcome again.
- Maybe landing myself a girlfriend. *shrug*
- Deciding what I want my involvement at the station to be after May.
Seems like 2008 will be interesting after all...
Happy New Year!
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| Powerless.. |
[31 Dec 2007|07:31pm] |
It really is torture to see someone you love in pain. Someone who is disabled either emotionally or physically. It's because you feel powerless to help them. All my life I've felt this way. Watching my mom die over the course of 13 years instilled a feeling of powerlessness inside me.
I didn't realize until I actually made friends in high school that emotional pain is pain that can be well hidden. Upon reflection of myself that made sense as to why people never asked me what was wrong. I developed an instinct which hid the emotions and just made me a quiet person. Of course as I made friends, some of which had emotional problems, I felt powerless to help them when they were depressed. Even more so, when people saw past the facade and noticed things were bothering me. When they couldn't help me, they felt powerless and I felt bad because of it.
Some of my friends tend to disappear for a while because of their problems. Because they figure "out of sight, out of mind." I myself have done so in the past. What I had realized is that people who care about you think about you all the time, whether you're around or not. And that as friends, their duty is not to cure you of all of your problems, but to just be there as your crutch, your shoulder to cry on, your listening ear even when you don't want to speak.
I'm glad I've had the few people who were in that role. I felt bad making them worry about me. But they can't cure me of my problems. I can't cure them of theirs. Only on person can cure me. Me. And that takes some external influence from friends and environment, but mostly internal influence on how you view yourself, with maybe therapy or antidepressants, or in my case, antinarcolepsy drugs. Only within yourself you can find the power to alleviate problems, or at least make yourself feel better. To adapt to emotional and physical disabilities. Be it with the company of good friends, playing an instrument, random driving, or even sitting in a fridge.
That doesn't mean one can't be concerned if someone you care about says something like "I hate myself." What can one say to a friend to alleviate that feeling of self hate? Nothing. Because you know you've been there and there were no words that comforted you. And that is when you feel powerless...
*narcolepsy*
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| The End...The Beginning... |
[26 Dec 2007|12:54am] |
It's been 5 days since the end. The end of my time at Rutgers University as a student. I moved back to my father's house in Old Bridge. The thing about me and my father is it can be related to me and alcohol. A little bit every now and then is fun, but too much and there are problems. Already annoyed with "home life" I've reverted to retreating to the radio station as a comfort zone. Today I did an 8 hour radio show...just because I can.
Right now, my life is somewhere between my room at home and my storage locker. I'm already missing a lot and it's only been 5 days. I miss living away from home, not having to deal with someone knocking on my door every 5 minutes trying to tell me something or ask me a question. I miss having the station being 30 feet away, not 30 minutes. I miss...my friends who spent a lot of their time on campus...I miss certain people who I only got to spend a lot of time with at the very end. I know they'll be back. Maybe things will be clearer, maybe they won't. The thing is...
I won't be back.
Well, not completely. I will still serve out my term as production director for 90.3 The Core. Not to mention do my radio show. And maybe there will be incentive to spend more time up at Rutgers, besides simple refuge. But that's all pending on how things play out in the next few months.
So yeah, my living arrangements suck. I'm lonely, and just restless. But there is a large light of hope...wait for it....wait for it...
I got a job.
I mean, a career job. Like, what I have been worried about not getting since the beginning of this year. I guess lady luck took my side for a change. It's funny I say that, my job involves working on electronic gambling machines, making sure the coding is legal and secure from potential hackers. The pay is pretty good for an entry level. Finally I have some sort of direction with my career! It all seems too good to be true. Everything happened so fast, I still have trouble comprehending that something good actually happened to me without me losing complete sanity.
But it did.
On January 2nd I will be taking a tour of the facilities, and on the 14th I will start my job. The only downfall is that it is 36 miles south of where I live, which is 47 miles away from the station. Let's just say I'll be racking in the miles rather quickly. Oh well, not EVERYTHING will be perfect. I will still be working at Sam's Club on weekends until at least March when my benefits from the new job kick in. At that point I'm going to consider a lot of things. Can I move out and support myself? Is losing my weekends worth $8000 a year?
Chances are if I move out I'll continue working at Sam's until they close the building, whenever that is. I do need to save up for things. Student loans are going to kick my ass. My car payment is winding down, but pretty soon I'll have to save up for a new car. The ShMalibu isn't going to live forever, especially with a potential of 100 miles a day. I might try to seek out a roommate and go halfsies on a two bedroom.
I intend on celebrating my 23rd birthday in my new apartment. Maybe with a girlfriend...maybe not...
I have Monday-Thursday until January 14th free, so if anyone wants to actually hang out, let me know. Because I won't be working 56 hours a week, not until the 14th.
All in all, this is the conclusion of another book in my life. A good friend said that it's not the end of a book, but rather a chapter. I feel that the little experiences make up the chapters but the periods of my life make up the books. Book One would be my adolescence. Book Two would be my high school years. And this concludes Book Three, my college years. Now I begin Book Four, entry level.
Over the last four and a half years at Rutgers, I've made many great friends, lost many as well. Encountered things such as controversial newspapers, frats, drug dealers, porn stars, and of course radio. I never did find true love in college like my mother had prophesied. Then again, maybe she didn't necessarily mean ME being in college...incentive?
This is the end, my only friend, the end...
End Book Three.
Begin Book Four.
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| MetalSpace Radio's Black Christmas on 90.3 The Core |
[25 Dec 2007|01:18pm] |
What better way to celebrate the holidays than listening to me on the radio RIGHT NOW!
I'll be on until whenever I feel like stopping, so be sure to tune in!
On Your Radio: 90.3 The Core
Or Listen Online: www.thecore.fm
Request Line: 732-445-9300
Request AOLIM: MetalSpaceRadio
Request Yahoo: MetalSpaceRadio
Request MSNIM: MetalSpaceRadio@gmail.com
Alternate AOLIM: CoreRequests
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| "Don't want to be exorcised or compromised..." |
[03 Dec 2007|11:56am] |
Things seemed to start to stabilize recently, things inside were heading back to the way things were before. In fact some good things seemed to be happening. But then the unsure things struck back in full force. Why?
Why am I supposed to know what I know and not be able to do a damn thing about it. Why were things said that arise hope, when things look pretty hopeless there? Obviously variables are still present which prevent certain things happening. I accepted that and started to move on. But why must fate kiss me with hope and say that good things will come? I don't like when "will" is said. Will is worst than maybe, because when will doesn't happen, it turns into disappointment.
Yeah, you did open the Pandora's Box. You opened it wide the fuck open. I hope you able to deal with that, or at least help me close it. I'm not even sure if what was said was actually meant, or was only meant in the heat of the moment. I know I meant every word I said. But in the past things have been said to me in the heat of the moment, but later retracted as a mistake made in an emotional state.
I've been keeping what has happened to myself, only the girl in the chair in for guidance. Maybe I'll let someone else in, but I'm afraid of what happened the last time I decided to open up. There seems to be hope in another place as well, but in both of these cases, time will tell...
Saturday, December 1st....what the fuck is up with this day? At least every six years on this day...2001...2007...fuck! And to the girl in the chair...DON'T HIBERNATE!
Here is a song released today by one of my favorite NJ bands, End of an Era (Endofanera.org). The lyrics are really appropriate...
"As he walks along the edge
He hears the words being said
And he wonders how it ever go this way
To be the one that has to see
The way that things just shouldn't be
It's getting hard
See why can't you see what's in my head
No one knows what I know
Be why can't you be just how I am
No one's left
Don't want to be exorcised or compromised
For everything I know
Don't want any alibis to compromise
Everything that's shown..
As he walks along the edge
He feels the ripping piercing stares
And he knows he can not last much longer here
He screams so loud but no one hears
Their so immersed in all their fears
He knows it's wrong
Don't want to be exorcised or compromised
For everything I know
Don't want any alibis to compromise
Everything that's shown.."
~End of an Era "Exorcise"
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| Agenda |
[31 Oct 2007|01:46am] |
So on Friday I stumbled upon a piece of information I was not supposed to find out (nor anyone else save those involved in this information). It's hard to talk about things like this without being explicit, but basically this information is a sign of possible things to come, at least the direction we are going. I tried to goto a party to get over it, but the pounding of it in my mind was bothering me and there was practically no one to talk to about this. I ended up snapping at a few friends that night. For that, I apologize. I'll get back to this in a moment.
I could see the other day those involved setting up a path towards their agenda. Since Friday, I've entrusted my closest friends related to this with the information. Hopefully, we'll be able to fight it.
I would like to wrap this up my apologizing for being a crappy friend lately. I've been hiding in a shell lately, there's a lot of flimsy stuff going on in my life right now, stuff I don't write about. I'm very worried about certain things, but much of these are things I cannot control. But being a friend is one of them. Being there for your friends when you need them, detecting a problem before it's blown up in your face, expressing feelings about a situation instead of bottling it up, I haven't been doing this lately and some of my friends are getting angry with me.
One person in particular is going through a lot herself and I haven't been a good friend towards her (in fact, this is doing nothing but provide more crap). I need to stop shutting myself off from people I care about. I need to stop hiding and suppressing. I've gotta just...
Let it go...
Today I make my own agenda. Today I stand and say "fuck you everything that sucks right now." I am declaring this to be a time of repair...redemption... resurrection. They will know what's on my mind if something bothers me. No more beating around the bush, no more muttering under my breath. If I have a problem I will face it dead on. I will rectify the damage done and prove to the world that I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am ShMike =)
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| G vs. E |
[28 Oct 2007|02:34pm] |
I think as humans we're constantly teetering the line between good and evil in every action we do. From doing a good deed like making sure friends are safe to expressing anger after someone does something stupid without thinking. I've always found to weight of evil to be at least twice the weight of good. I think it's even more fascinating when considering thought itself.
Strange how someone's sketchiness can outweigh the good you know them for, causing you to judge or question their behavior. Or even worse, the thoughts about yourself. This is why many people (including myself) have extremely low self esteem.
Despite all my good qualities (and I know there are a few), I find things to loathe myself for, and support it with certain aspects of my life (ie. girls never hit on me would conclude that i am hideous). Another would be of course when a friend (female of course) mentions on how awesome of a person I am (yet in all reality would never consider dating me, so it seems). I think desexualizing a male is one of the worst things you can do to a friend. Desexualize meaning consider them a friend, someone who you could never have sexual feelings for, rather a physical attraction.
This translates into almost any situation. Most predominately job interviews. When they don't contact you after an interview, often feelings of uselessness become prevalent. Also apply that to academia.
Sadly for me, I'm experiencing all three. Not doing so hot in classes. Desperately clawing for a post graduate job. And of course the crapfest of the past few entries. Yeah I feel pretty damaged. But I'm working on repairs. Some can come easily, others not so much.
To do the more painful, I've started meditation again to stir up blocked memories of a situation much like the one I'm presently in which occurred back when I was high school. However the resemblance of the antagonist of the past to the antagonist of the present cannot be something I can ignore. In fact somehow I got through that situation, I just need to do it again with this one.
Unfortunately my attempt at meditation inflicted a narcoleptic overload, knocking me out for a few hours. I think I need to diagram this out on paper, all of the variables, and the locations in general. I need to look into my past documentation on my accounts of the situation in the past. Unfortunately, as I recently realized, I only seem to write about the bad, as when I go through months of nonsuck, there are gaps in time within the journals. This is going to be a hindering factor where I'm going to need meditation to hopefully fill in the blanks.
Bringing us back to good vs. evil. I have the bad habit of only documenting the bad, not so much the good. But I digress. This is a rather challenging situation. Hopefully I will ascend once again.
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| Backtracking 2 |
[28 Oct 2007|02:32pm] |
Here is the second backtracking entry...
_____________________________________________________________
Strapping Young ShMike
7:53pm Tuesday, Oct 23
So I don't know what it is anymore that's causing this eternal mindfuck. Could it be the drugs? Could it be the stress of my life finally exploding after suppressing it for so long? Could it be the present problems with my friends? It's probably some combination of all of them. I've been having strange sleep habits and physical twitches when I'm thinking about certain things.
I really need to wipe my mind of the past month. Fuck, I wish I could start the semester over again, I'd change so much stressors. It's sad...something amazing and awesome happened in my life recently, and I can't even dwell on it because my mind likes to focus on the bad. It's hard for me to look at the positive things, I always let the bad things get me down.
I consider myself like a car. Yeah I got new tires and a nice shiny exterior and a good engine, but fuck, my alternator is broken. Hence I can't drive the car. Basically, my alternator is broken. Unlike cars, I can't pick a new one up at the local Pep Boys. But I know it is something which will heal itself in due time. Unfortunately that time is way the fuck over due.
On to the title of this entry. I've found two artists who's music lately have been describing how I've been feeling. One of them is this local band, called End of An Era. Two of their songs are really relating to my complex mind. I don't know their lyrics off hand so I'm not going to try to fake them. The other is the crazy awesome mind of Devin Townsend aka Strapping Young Lad. He is a lyrical madman who's mind is so far out there, I think anyone can find a song they can relate to...I found several...
1. SYL-S.Y.L.
2. SYL-All Hail The New Flesh
3. SYL-Shitstorm
4. SYL-Love?
5. SYL-Aftermath
6. DT-War
7. DT-Suicide
8. DT-Sunday Afternoon
9. DT-The Greys
10. SYL-Polyphony
11. SYL-The New Black
12. DT-Planet Rain
I was gonna put lyrics, but there are too goddamn many. I just wish I could fix the problems or at least get them out of my mind, so people aren't always concerned about me.
"Well then, fuck,
...I guess I am a fucking
...happy
...fucking
...camper."
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| Backtracking |
[28 Oct 2007|02:26pm] |
Seeing as certain rants end up on facebook, and certain ones end up on lj, and certain ones end up on myspace, I'm trying to back track the last few entries.
Here is the first one...
_____________________________________________________________
Priorities...
2:28am Thursday, Oct 18
Today I'm going to focus on two major aspects of my life. My future and my emotions.
First, we talk about my future. I've been interviewing like crazy to find a post graduate job. Somehow I'm making it through the long, tough interviews. No callbacks yet, but I'm hoping.
Next, lets talk about my emotions. Tonight, the tensions of the last entry finally exploded. I had snapped and walked away from her, when I should have just stayed and talked to her about what was going on in my head. She told me something which I felt completely negated what was said previously about me. For the sake of innocent parties, actions, nor names will be mentioned here. I had left her on a bus and ran off. Ten minutes earlier we were hugging outside of ABP. So after that little explosion of mine and other various human interactions and people who I talked to, I arrived home to this convo:
Her (1:45:07 AM): i think you and I need to not see or talk to each other for a while.
ShMikeLovesMetal (1:46:15 AM): whys that?
ShMikeLovesMetal (1:46:49 AM): i think we can still be friends
Her (1:47:04 AM): you didn't make it seem that way.
ShMikeLovesMetal (1:47:19 AM): i'm sorry
Her (1:47:31 AM): considering friends should be able to talk to each other about shit.
It really made me think. This isn't just some random girl who I like, this is my friend, my close friend, a person I love. Three years of friendship under our belts, and I was gonna push it away? Even if I can never have her as a girlfriend, I'd like to at least continue to have her as a friend. Our friendship is my top priority in the matter. Yeah, she means that much to me. Even though it hurts that we're not together, it's somewhat feels better when she hugs me, or I make her smile and laugh. I wouldn't give her up for ANYTHING in the world.
I just hope it isn't too late....
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| MetalSpace Radio Returns RIGHT NOW TILL 10p EST |
[13 Oct 2007|07:45pm] |
New Signal = Awesome. Tune in for yourself on 90.3 in NJ! Or listen online at thecore.fm.
MetalSpace Radio: Playing The Loud and The Underground
- - Hosted by ShMike
Saturday Nights
- - 8-10pm EST
In Central Jersey:
- - 90.3 FM The Core
Worldwide:
- - www.thecore.fm
Requests:
- - Phone: 732-445-9300
- - AOLIM: CoreRequests
- - AOLIM/Yahoo: MetalSpaceRadio
- - MSN/Gmail: MetalSpaceRadio@gmail.com
Podcast:
- - www.MetalSpaceRadio.com
MySpace:
- - www.myspace.com/metalspaceradioshow
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| Emotions Unveiled |
[12 Oct 2007|07:33am] |
It's funny...in the past if I got rejected, it would hurt. Somehow, this time it didn't hurt so badly. Maybe because I knew that for once I wasn't expressing feelings with a goal in mind, but a purpose.
For those just tuning in, I had fallen for one of my closest friends...hard. I had always thought of her as someone amazing, a friend from many years ago who I kept in contact with over the years. Due to busy schedules and distance, we never got a chance to hang out with each other till recently. I knew when we started hanging out that I liked her, but like with many of my attractive female friends, I shrugged it off. See the thing is, when I meet a girl I can tell right away if I'm attracted to her or not. This girl was different.
Consider the cliche where the guy falls for his closest female friend, yep that's me.
It hit me like a shovel to the back of my head at the oddest time too. The feelings really hit about a week ago (and about a week or so too late of her getting a boyfriend). These emotions combined with our long existing friendship made for me feeling like crap for about two weeks. I knew there was some internal hint around September when we started hanging out. I thought my solution could have been to limit my interaction with her. I was wrong. She joined the station, and got involved...big time.
"This is what it's like when worlds collide, yeah this is what it's like..."
I had always used the station as an escape from my loneliness. Any feelings of loneliness would be temporarily quelled when I entered the doors of the station and hung around with my friends, doing stupid things, saying stupid things. I distanced the women I dated from the station, keeping business and pleasure separate (which one is which? I have no clue!). But then she came along. I had little intention for her to join the station, jokingly suggesting it, but understanding that she would probably be too busy for it. Oddly enough she joined, and surprisingly had fallen for the station much like I had many years ago. I had thought that simple distancing would be key in me alleviating these feelings, but noticing her involvement, I realized she was not something to ignore. No longer could I use the station as a refuge from the women who hurt me. Is this entirely bad? No, I'm happy she's involved and honestly, it doesn't hurt as bad as a feared, at least not now.
By now, you probably realized this isn't a mopey ShMike got rejected entry, but rather something of question. That's how telling her how I felt felt like. The thing is, I think she might have feelings for me (I can sense something), and if not the potential of someday (she said that much). It wasn't like a "We're just friends. that's all we will ever be." rejection. Now we enter a new dilemna.
How do I keep her close enough to be her good friend without developing a mindset of her feeling that's all we'll ever be? I don't know, but if there is ever a chance, then I gotta make sure this doesn't happen. Too many times have I been classified as "just ShMike," limiting to a permanent plutonic existance. I don't want that to happen with her. It's hard just describing her as a "friend." How many people have those titles? And how close are they? I felt we had ascended beyond the level of a simple friendship, but how do you label it (not family, then my feelings would be incestual)? She had even made mention about a week ago (at the dinner) that it felt awkward introducing ourselves as only friends.
So yeah I decided to put everything out on the table, knowing that the end product would no way be us kissing (that's where we differ from the cliche...sadly.). This was more for her to know, and for me to get a clue on her feelings (or potential). She didn't see it coming. I was surprised, then again, neither did I. We actually laughed about the whole situation and then I gave her a ride on my way to class. I'm glad she knows. I was getting sick (quite literally) of hiding it. This type of situation is really unprecedented in my life, so I'm glad I made the right decision.
So I'm trying not to think of the future. She mentioned that she doesn't want to think of it, but will keep what I told her in mind. Does that mean we'll be together? Unlikely, but possibly. Who knows?
Call it the Girlfriend of Tomorrow. The effort is put out, and it might happen (someday), it should happen, is it going to happen the way I hope (I might not have even met the GOT yet!)? Beats the shit out of me. For now I'm gonna enjoy her friendship like I have for so long. I'm not gonna push the issue. If me and her are gonna end up together and have a menage a tois between me, her, and the radio station, then it will happen, if not then it won't. She said it herself, she isn't going anywhere.
Neither am I =)
And to her boyfriend, you are a very lucky man.
EDIT: Nevermind, this hurts A LOT!
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| The Day After Tomorrow |
[07 Oct 2007|02:05pm] |
As I sit here typing this, I am listening to 90.3 The Core, the college radio station I had labored intensely for the past 4 years, including pulling an all nighter two nights ago to make a history special of the station. The reason why me listening to The Core is so significant? I'm listening to it on a radio. Two years after spending 36 hours in a mall, the impossible seeming Tower of Tomorrow, had become a reality. You can hear it on any radio on or off campus, and even what I believe to be a 15-20 mile radius from the tower on Livingston.
I had surrounded myself with some of those who met the most to me (outside of the usual station folk); my closest friend and his girlfriend, who spend almost as much time hanging out in the suite as I do; my close friend and first "celebrity guest," whose band I have been supporting since I first played them on the radio 3 years ago, and he also spent the night in the mall with me that weekend two years ago, and his girlfriend, a former DJ but a supporter nonetheless; and then my other friend, someone who I've known almost as long as all of them, and I could probably consider the longest fan of my radio show, maybe of me in general.
The night was almost perfect. Other than a board op mishap on my part, the event itself went over almost flawless. There was a thought that kept popping up in my mind, I decided not to share it, and potentially ruin the good feeling I was having that night. It's hard to deny it now, I was trying to fight it off for so long, but I can't, I'm gonna have to risk it, even with the recently discovered variables that will most likely guarantee my failure. But, you know what they say...
Tomorrow is another day...
"Beneath the burning skies the war rages on
but we still hold the future in our hands
beneath the burning skies the storm rages on
but our tortured hearts still beat
you`d better die with honour than to live with shame
now let the earth speak for the revolution
raise your voices: earth.revolt
beneath the burning skies the sea rages on
but we still hold the future in our hands
beneath the burning skies mankind`s drowning
but our tortured hearts still beat
beneath the burning skies people are dying
but we won`t let the earth die
beneath the burning skies now join our forces
as long as our hearts still beat"
-Deadlock "Earth.Revolt"
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| I still do a radio show? |
[08 Sep 2007|09:42am] |
MetalSpace Radio: Playing The Loud And The Underground
From 90.3 FM The Core (Listen Online: www.thecore.fm)
Every Saturday Night 8-10pm EST
Hosted by ShMike
Once again, if you're considering joining the station, or just curious to see what happens here, stop on by. We're in the Livingston Student Center (Call me 732 406 9379 before you come so I can expect you/tell you how to get here.) Former guests welcome also! If people actually do come by, then I might keep the show going past 10 ^_^.
Request Line: 732-445-9300
Request AOLIM: MetalSpaceRadio
Request Yahoo: MetalSpaceRadio
Request MSNIM: MetalSpaceRadio@gmail.com
Alternate AOLIM: CoreRequests
MySpace: http://myspace.com/metalspaceradioshow
Check out these 90.3 FM The Core events!
Rutgers Student Activities Fair
Sunday, September 9th, 2007 12pm to 4pm.
Voorhees Mall, Rutgers College Ave Campus
(Next to Scott Hall across from the Grease Trunks)
Live Core Broadcast
Monday, September 10, 2007 5pm to 9pm
Tillett Dining Hall, Livingston Campus
Core Orientation Meeting aka General Interest Meeting
Tuesday, September 11, 2007 9:30pm.
College Hall, Livingston Student Center, Livingston Campus
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| Legacy |
[16 May 2007|01:21am] |
So it's officially summertime for me. A lot to write about since my last writings about my life. I'm back home in Old Bridge until the fall when I return to Rutgers for one last semester, so close to that 3.0 (I'm 2.882).
Recently a friend of mine, Sean Hanna, died. We weren't close, but we were friends. We worked together at the radio station. I felt like shit because he left the station about a year before he died to go in for treatment, and none of us went to visit him. I think I might have left him a few online messages here and there, but that was it. I helped produce a tribute to him which is on our website (www.thecore.fm). The man left such an impact on the world. At his wake, people were literally lined up down the block and around the corner. I don't know if I'll ever make such an impact like that on the world, who knows?
Speaking of legacy, a place where I spent a major part of my life was destroyed recently. See, when I was in high school, I worked at Burger King. And for three years of my life I spent a good amount of my free time either working there, or hanging out with the people who worked there. There were many things I liked about the place, mostly the coworkers. I never really had the chance to bond with the coworkers at my present job, Sam's club. I attribute that to the fact that my dept is huge, and there are a few other coworkers in my dept, and most of them are much older than me. Maybe if I was a casher, where they stick the majority of people my age, I would have more of an opportunity to socialize and make friends, since it's another small tight work area (much like Burger King was). Anyway I was heartbroken to find out they had closed my BK and when they reopened it, nothing looked the same. Right down to the freezer door, which I had inscribed "ShMike" in it. I know I'm getting older and these things happen, heck, my high school is now a middle school.
As I mentioned earlier, the fall will be my last semester at Rutgers, my last chance to get a girlfriend in college. I don't know where else I would get one, certainly not in a club, I can't do those things. Most of the so-called "metal" girls are only "metal" because their boyfriends are and got them slightly into it. Not that I'd limit myself to metal girls only, but when it comes to a conversation, I don't have much to offer other than...metal. Not to mention I am still shy as shit. It would be nice to have a girlfriend. I know the same record is playing, but I do get lonely. I want someone who could look at me with loving affection, who I could put my arm around and hold, or hold her hand, and also satisfy certain needs, to put it nicely. If it happen, it happens, but if it doesn't happen, I'll live. Though if you are single or if anyone else you know is single and looking for an awesome guy, hook it up!
I guess I take my mind off of it all by channeling my passion into something I really love, the station. I'm no longer the metal director, I have passed that one to the next generation, though I still deal heavily in the metalness at The Core. I'm now production director, a position I had wanted basically since I was a freshman. I came in just in time to witness something which I am internally dubbing for now as "The Golden Age of The Core." This summer the production studio will be rebuilt with all new equipment, a new computer DJ support system will be installed, and finally, after two years, it seems the new transmitter will be put up, increasing our signal greatly. There is still one last fight to push for, and that's something I pushed for in the Spring, but the time was not right. I will try again before I leave the exec staff in May 2008, since by the fall, certain variables which hindered the project will change.
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