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[14 Mar 2005|12:19pm] |
Soft
Fragile
She is irresistible
Without saying a word
They love her and don’t even know her
Don’t know one thing about her
They are transfixed
Wanting her
But scared to touch her
She is too beautiful
Too pure
Breathtaking
Scrumptious and tempting
Entrancing
-Mall0ry
Feb 24
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[14 Mar 2005|12:16pm] |
Miniature golf
Yard sales with grandma
Beach with dad
Grandma Angies/ aunt MaryAnn’s house- the pool
The water toys
Palm springs as I was a kid
I would go up there with my grandma
I was young then
We had loads of fun
Picking grapefruit from all her grapefruit trees
Making mud pies
Red ants traveling along the walkway
Playing with my cousin I remember so well
Remember sitting in the wheel barrel next to the one next to my brother
Eating cheetos
Playing barbies with the neighbor girl in the Jacuzzi
Playing in the warm sun with the hose
Performing
Since I could talk my grandma and I would sing in the car
Sing anywhere
Everywhere
She taught me them all
On the good ship lolly pop
Baby face
Since that she has me perform
Right in the living room
Sing louder shed say
Sing louder
Family would watch
Shed clap louder and louder
-mallory
March 14
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[14 Mar 2005|12:14pm] |
Blue eyes
Dirty blonde hair
Very bouncy
Very happy
Loved my Johnny jumper
Chicken pox
Oatmeal baths
To this day I still have a scare to reflect on them
Very tapped into my creative side
Dad and mom
All my memories have them in every thought
Every picture
Grandma
Gave and continually gives me so much support
So much love
by far san diego
where I grew up
my most memorable moments and memories lye there
my childhood experiences
just my childhood thoughts
thoughts of my childhood
those things that remind me of that childhood
those objects to go to for my peace of mind
just a kid at heart
tapped into their peace of mind
to do what I love
and love it to the utmost
-mallory
March 10
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[14 Mar 2005|12:14pm] |
With time
Comes time
All I needed was time
Time
Time to know what I had
Time to know what I have
Time to know what I didn’t
Time to know what I don’t
Time to know what I need
Time to know what I seek
Time to understand
To understand it all
Everything seems so complicated
But with time
Itll all sort out
All sorts out in time
In time
Ill understand more
This time I understand now
But in time ill understand more
I took it in at the time
I vented at the time
This whole time ive been venting
Taking in
Breathing out
Time is a strengthening antidote
With time comes wisdom
In time comes faith
In time youll have the answers
In time youll know
In time youll be set
With time comes healing
With time comes love
With time comes responsibility
With time youll see
See what you saw
But at the time didn’t
In time
With time
Take advantage of the time
Your time
This time
Now
Your time then
Use this time
With the things happening in that time
Time is valuable
You know
You knew
And youll continue to grow
In time
With time
This time
Then time
There time
Now time
Here time
His time
Her time
Their time
Your time
Now
I had time
They had time
You had time
She had time
He had time
We have time
Make time
Use time
See time
Hear time
As a realm of time we use
Pursuit time
Proceed time
Acquire time
Live time
Salvage time
Repair time
Emerge time
Resume time
Love time
-mallory paige
March 11, 2005
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[14 Mar 2005|12:13pm] |
Tell me your needs
You say everyone is taking you away from me
You say we don’t have enough time together
Then you say your coming over if you can
Do you try to make the time
Do you really try
Do you miss me
You make me think you miss me
You love on me
Then the next day your completely different
What do you need
What are your needs
What do you want from me
Can I do anything for you
I feel like im too far
But how am I supposed to feel
Im afraid to love on you back
Afraid that’s not what you want
Afriad that’s not what you need
Yeah ive been bitchy
You’ve been moody
When your moody
I get sad
Frustrated
And moody too
I don’t like being around moody ppl
Sad
Depressed ppl
You say your depressed
I can se that
Believe me I can
Can I help
Id like to try to help
Ill help you anyway you need
If you ask
Its hard for me to read you
You don’t really play off that well that your not moody
It shows so well
So don’t try to hide it
And if I ask
Whats wrong
Sure youll tell me your depressed
I just wish youd tell me more
More than just that
Go deeper
Have faith in me
You said yourself you can talk to friends better than girlfriends
Well here I am
As just a friend now
Like you wanted
Is it easier on you now pg1
It doesn’t seem like it
We seem moodier
We as in just us
Not us separate
But us as one
Maybe that’s why we needed that break
Because we cant function as one
I thought it was me
Then it was you
Then it was us
Now im feelin like its me again
True im not being as exposed
Im that way for a reason
A reason that shapes my whole being
Im afraid to get too close
Afraid of getting hurt
I got close and I got hurt
I always get close when I try not too
And I always get hurt
I see a patten
If I don’t get close I don’t get hurt
Well too late
I got close
Now your getting close
And im backing away
Why
Because I cant get close again
I don’t want to get hurt again
But maybe
Just maybe
You need something
If so then I just cant walk away
Or move back too far
Comuniocate with me
Tell me your needs
I know you’ve been hurt before
And still your moving close to me
Arent you afraid to get hurt like me
To me
It doesn’t seem you are
So maybe
Its real
If your not scared like me
Maybe that’s showing me not to be scared
Ok I can take a hint
I will overcome my fear
And too get close
Again
In th end who knows
Maybe things will turn out right
And another thing
You called it a break pg2
Does that mean you didn’t mean it
What did you mean by that
Do you want me back now
Or is this break still going on
Talk to me
But I know
That I need to make the first move
And that’s
Talking to you
March 3, 2005
What the hell
I cant stand this
I miss you so much
Its ruining my days
My days with you
But im not even with you
Just around you
It sucks
I want to have you
But cant
Ahhhh
Its like having a tinny kitten living in my room
Only im not able to touch it
Its so hard
I want to pet the kitty so bad
But cant
Its frustrating
-Mallory paige
March 7, 2005
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[14 Mar 2005|12:10pm] |
Its like you cant tell me what you need
Straight forward
---->
We should be friends
We are better friends
Then you miss me
Then you’re all kissy kissy
Then your in a bad mood
I ask you a question
Course your frustrated already
But still
You give me attitude
Your fed up
That gets me in a bad mood
Then you ask why im in a bad mood
Then expect me to be in a better mood
What can I do
What do you want from me?
Ill give it to you
If you ask
Just let me know what I can do for you
What your needs are
Communicate with meee!
Don’t sit around beating up on yourself
Ill ask
So you can vent
It helps me
To vent to someone im mean
If it doesn’t help me asking
Then let me know
Don’t take it just cuz its me
Baby
What do you expect from me???
March 3rd? around there
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[22 Feb 2005|09:35am] |
These recent thoughts
The world is moving by ever so slowly right now
The world is moving by ever so slowly right now
The world is going so slow
Everything is going by so slow
Everything in my world right now
Here where im sitting
Is going by so slowly
Everything is going by so slowly
Right now
Everything is moving so slow
Why is everything going by so slowly
As of right now
I can say
Honestly
That my world
Is going
in a direction
I can handle
I am content with my life
Right now
Right now
With my life
I was reading some “creative writing” of mine from awhile ago
And its so strange
Everything since then has changed
My thoughts have changed drastically
The poems were just really different
From anything I would write today
Just plain strange it all is
I love talking to my boyfriend about the important stuff
The stuff that matters
Or just the past
Or the stuff that doesnt
The fun stuff we did when we were kids
Not only us together
Just stuff little kids do
That him and I did separately
Do you understand that?
I think im trying to hard to not confuse you
No its not that
I just want to make sure you understand what im trying to explain
Its not hard to get what I mean
Im just talking to much
K im stopping about that now…
I don’t know if its cuz im extremely laid back right now or what but
I cant really move that well
Today doesn’t feel like Friday
Lalala
I miss being a kid
Loving like a kid
Not caring like a kid
Kids don’t know what they have
I ges is kinda what I want to say
You know like when
People say you don’t know what you have till its gone
Well same point im making here
God I wish I were still a kid
I remember everything from my childhood
Its not like I missed it
Its just
I woke up one day
And I was older
I cant really say I was big
I was just older
Looked at my body in the mirror
My reflection changed so much
I was in a different room
Where did all my stuffed animals go
My dolls
What?
Im afraid of dolls now?
What happened to school being fun
Finger painting and nap time
With those green kotts
Well I had green kotts
Tag on the play ground
Chasing the boy you liked
Blowing bubbles
Shit I still blow bubbles
Spin around looking up to the sky
Till I fall down
Down in the soft grass
Lying there
Reading the sky
Listening to the wind
Watching the cloud shapes change
Mallory Paige
Feb. 11
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[07 Feb 2005|12:15pm] |
Frustrated
Im frustrated
Frustrated I cant write right now
Well write well anyhow
Im frustrated and I should be able to write
Im frustrated at her
Im frustrated at her
Im frustrated at him
Im frustrated at me again
Im still frustrated I cant write
Write something of importance I could use for English
I frustrated im sad
Im frustrated im mad
Im frustrated
I need to revise this
I frustrated at another her
Girls are so frustrating
I get so frustrated
I just want to listen to my lauryn
Ok ill try this whole ask for help right now…
Ask for this frustration to turn into a good frustration
So I can write about the frustration
Not only write but to write and make sense
Oh baby I love you
I just want to take my frustration out in this writing right now
So I can be done with this frustration
Who was I to ask for help to anyhow
God?
Wtf is all this frustration about
Baby lets be frustrated together
She says she believes in a higher power
And she says she doesn’t believe in the bible
Its hypocritical she says
Shit just believe in something of your own
i dont believe
ive told her
i am an atheist
but that doesnt mean she should change her faith
Anything I say she takes in so deep
Im just a girl
Same with her
We don’t need this difficult relationship
I don’t like being copied
I love when she tells me she hates something I did
I love when she tells me its ugly
I love knowing she has an opinion
Not just worrying about everything I do
Not trying to be like me
Well that section about her just came to my head
Who the hell am I to go to if I need help
Inspiration
A question
Hmmmm
Im not frustrated anymore
Yay
What a remedy
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| brainwashed since birth |
[05 Nov 2004|12:57pm] |
I look up to the sky
Think to myself
We are brainwashed
From the day we are born
Television
Books
Magazines
Lies
Truth
Born into this world of hate
Hatred that will one day
Ruin us
Humans are mean
Rude
Ungreatful
Jealious
Bitter
Prejudice
Racist
Selfish
Shameful
Unkind
We are brought up to be
We know no different really
How are we to learn?
Where are the good acceptable examples?
If no one is taught right
Who is to teach?
We are not perfect
Yet we are expected to be
We use all we can
Use all resources we can find
Robbing from others
Creatures
The earth
The things keeping us alive
We have so many diseases
So many illnesses
The earth was better off without us
Our nature is so ignorant
Where will it end?
When will it end?
-mallory bell
November 5, 2004
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| through this protected window |
[05 Nov 2004|12:57pm] |
She sits
Waiting
Looking out
Out through
The worlds eyes
Through this protected worlds eyes anyhow
Into the unprotected
Waiting for someone
Someone who’ll take her away
Away from her little box
She’s stuck in
Away from these people
Filling her life with difficulty
Filling her head with strange thoughts
Thoughts about getting better
About wanting to be better
Why should she try harder?
Why should she want stability?
Why should she be more than she is now?
Who should she be proving to?
Herself?
Her family?
Others?
She needs peace and quiet
She can take her own pills
Doesn’t need anyone to make sure
She swallows them
She can take showers by herself
No supervision needed
Shave on her own
Love who she wants
Get up and wander when she wants
Attend class when she wants
Ask for help if she wants
Go to bed when she wants
She can live her life on her own
Or can she?
Should she?
-Mallory Bell
November 5th 2004
title: through this protected window
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| cleo II |
[05 Nov 2004|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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I watch you
Your limp body
I am so sorry
I wish I could
Take you out of your misery
You were so fragile
I wasn’t careful enough
Oh I wish I could reverse time
Your breathing hs slowed down
I want to be by your side all your last minutes
You now just wait
Wait for it all to be over
You will be put in a nice box
I will make a grave
Place a cross
Right outside my window
To talk to you
Still
I hope your afterlife is better
I should have been more careful
Now there are no apologies that can replace you
No things I can do now
You will be the last
If there is no more
They cant get hurt
-Mallory bell
November 5, 2004
Cleo II aka the second
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| i hate |
[28 Oct 2004|07:27am] |
I hate
I hate the very sound of your voice
I hate when you respond to something I do with
“why would you do such a stupid thing?”
I hate the way you smell
I hate the way you think you know everything
I hate when you ask me a question
Don’t let me explain
Then tell me im lying
Why ask me a question
if you don’t believe me anyhow
I hate it when you are so ignorant to when you are wrong
But no matter what you yell till we agree your right
I hate that because you’re an adult you can break the rules
I hate when you accuse without knowing what happened
I hate when you take sides
The thing I hate the most
Is how I understand why you do the things you do
I understand your reasons
I understand you’ve been there
I hate how I don’t hate any of this at all
I love how you go out of your way
To find me fluffy stuffed animals when im down
I was depressed
You went out and bought me the cute puppy
I was sick with strep throat
You got me the white bunny rabbit
I love how you drop everything
And rush to make me eggs in the morning
When im running around trying
To get to school on time
I appreciate every single thing you do for me mom
-mallory bell
Oct 27,2004
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| the feeling |
[27 Oct 2004|12:55pm] |
The Feeling
I look at you
And try to express
The feeling you place inside me
Its warm and happy and glad
Im glad to have you
But only its different
There is no love
Not the same love
Yes we once were in love
That feeling is now gone
And replacing it is this new
A feeling of friendship
A sort of deep friendship
In a way
There is no complication
I have a question I ask
You answer
You have a question you ask
I answer
We are honest with each other
Nothing to hide
Regrets?
No
-MALLORY BELL
OCT 25, 2004
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| i will wait |
[26 Oct 2004|12:06pm] |
I will wait
i want romance
and love
i want to be swept off my feet
i want a prince on a white horse
i want someone to write me a song
then sing it to me
i want someone wholl wake me at dawn
just to hear the words that pass thru my lips
i want a man to know just how
i like my eggs, my toast, and my cerial
i want to feel so special to you
to come home to find rose petals
ever so lightly placed
leading down the hall
all to find you in a room full of candles
as you propose
i want you to kiss my forehead
and wipe my tears when i feel broken
someone to always be there
when im scared
i want him to climb up and catch me a star
i will wait
wait as long as i need to
to see his face
smiling at me
i will wait
-mallory
9/25/04
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| i thought |
[26 Oct 2004|12:05pm] |
i thought
i thought you loved me
i thought you cared
about me
about my feelings
about us
i guess not
we dont talk like we used too
you dont look at me like you used too
we dont feel the same
everything is so strange
but i can never talk to you enough to
know what your actually thinking
when i look into your eyes its like your not
even there
your a different person
i never know wat your doing
alls i want is to have you back
back like things were
but theyll never be
i just wished i could hold you
i want to tell you everything
in my life
but i feel i cant
your so distant
all the time
like you could care less
well im glad i didnt get too attached
july 28
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| love? |
[26 Oct 2004|12:04pm] |
Love?
i sit here and struggle to breath
between us nothing is the same
why do i feel this way
i want to know what your thinking
wht all your feelings are
we drive and dont talk
silence
and everytime i leave you
i feel this way
i think i love you
i dont htink you love me
but im not sure on either of them
im on this teeter totter of emotions
why do i do this to myself?
i opened myself up to you once
i loved you once
im not sure if i want to do all that over again
and lose you all over again
all those memories race thru my head
recaping it all
reliving it all
all over again
i once was happy
i am now confused
is love real?
-mallory bell
sept 9th 2004
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| my escape |
[18 Oct 2004|11:21am] |
my escape
i reach for my escape
i reach far
i grasp it
feel it for a moment
do i want it?
the question runs thru my head
i dont need it
it doesnt rule me
i look at it another moment
i explain to it,
"i dont need you"
"your just a get away"
"i can live without you"
i say this to reassure myself
of what i feel
what i know
but do i need it?
am i lying to myself?
is it lying to me?
for me?
-mallory bell
sept 10, 2oo4
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[18 Oct 2004|11:20am] |
i look out at you
how i wish i could be
where you are
your vibrant
yet soft colours
blues, purples
yellows, oranges
pinks, reds
you ease my mind
i love you
-mallory bell
aug 23 04
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[18 Oct 2004|11:20am] |
Hes amazing
He’s so amazing
He’s the most beautiful
Person I know
He understands me
Well when I tell him
What I’m going through
Even though he has
Gone through some hard shit
I don’t know much about
He’s still ok
And will be fine in the outcome
I just wish I could express
My deep down feelings
Not just to him
Because it’s not like that
I’m just not all that great
With that kind of stuff
But my point was that
Even though I don’t yet know
How to open up because
I’m just a beginner
He still luvs me
Through everything
And I believe he always will
-Mallory bell
January 2004
Around there I think?
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[18 Oct 2004|11:14am] |
Confused
Confused
I was confused
I think you were too
We fought
We argued
We yelled
Although you
Like to call it
“Talking loudly”
We weren’t
Working out
But I kept on it
You lost hope
For a tiny bit
So did I
Until I thought
Thought about
How much
I luv you
No not just that
I am in luv
With you
Infatuated
With you
No matter
What you did
To me
What you did
To yourself
I still continued
To luv you
And it will always
Be that way
Forever
No matter how
Many fights
Big or little
Things you do to me
No matter how bad
They hurt
I will still luv you
And sometimes I think
Maybe that’s wrong
I’m not saying your
Bad for me
Not at all
But I get into people
That treats me like
A person
That luv me
Maybe just for a while
But that’s
My personality
Or maybe I’m just wrong
Maybe I just luv you
Because your you
And I believe
That you luv me back
And that makes it
Lots better
To have someone who
Luvs you back
But now
We’re all good
We worked it out
Maybe I needed to see
In through a different
Perspective
Through someone else’s eyes
-Mallory bell
january 2004
somewhere around there?
A long time ago
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