The Bottomless Cup from the House of the Rising Son

I'm sitting in a local coffee shop, The Blue Star, waiting while T and a couple of friends play at a skateboard park. It's T's first skateboard that I got him today. The 3 boys look so young and innocent with their skateboards and helmets and fumbling starts. It's cute and I am sappy enough to enjoy that part. The older boys there are going like "ninty" doing all kinds of tricks and looking impressive to the little boys. That part makes me uncomfortable. Geesh, I dropped them off for an hour and I hope they are all in one piece when I get back. T is not a kid that takes risks so I think it will be ok for him physically but you never know, do you? I know, I know, I am protective, maybe even a tad over-protective. Besides his physical saftey, I want to guard that innocence until there is a little more wisdom to deal with some of the realities of adolescence which are just around the corner and coming on like a freight train. I've already raised 2 kids so I know that my ability is limited, sigh.

On another note, I have felt like I wanted to talk to some other people that are in the same boat as I am, raising their grandkids. I looked up a group called G.A.P. (grandparents as parents) and found a local chapter and went to a meeting with them on Monday night. After listening to some of the stories there I realized that although I find my situation challenging, I have much to be thankful for. One woman there is raising 5 of her daughter's 7 children! There were such sad stories that I heard and yet, I only heard a few. All of the situations that I learned about were more challenging than my own. I also found that there is lots to be gained from the group and hopefully I will be able to give some back also. I plan to get involved. There was more than one grandparent there that has completed the challenge of raising their grandkids and yet they stay involved with the group because they see how important the support is for others that are faced with the challenge. I think that is wonderful of them! I guess the number of children being raised by grandparents or other family besides the biological parents is staggering and that doesn't take into account the kids in foster care. The greatest percentage of kids in those situations are there because of methanphetamines. What a horrible mess drug addiction makes of lives.

Art? Well, I've not have time to do much art lately but the drawing today is one that I did a few weeks ago. I was just messing around with designing with the hand shape, no other meaning than that. I really want to be able to post some illustrations to Illustation Friday but I never seem to get around to it these days. Oh well, there will be time sooner or later I guess.

In days gone by when I used to paint I did many paintings and drawings in the "Joe" series. I did this one in my handy sketchbook when I had come to a blank on what to draw. I enjoyed visiting the past.

Worked out in the pool today. Took Tanner to the homeschool end of year pic-nic and will be dropping him off for a birthday party soon. It's been a busy day. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm feeling wrung out, poo.

This is what the days have been like this week, isn't it lovely? We live in the high desert so this is about as green as it gets. Each evening for the last few days we've had wonderful storms: lightning, thunder and rain. Pictures can rarely do the scene justice but it kind of gives an idea to those that can imagine a little.

Southern Idaho is so beautiful at this time of year! This drawing was inspired by the contrast of fresh green leaves against the deep blue-gray of the spring rain clouds just ready to burst. I suppose it's beautiful almost everywhere in spring, I hope you have time to stop and enjoy it.

Yesterday I got a new notebook computer and I've spent hours getting it set up the way I want it and trying to figure things out. We are finished with the official school year so I'm feeling like my time is a little freer, so glad I didn't get this computer any earlier because I tend to be obsessive with new fun stuff.

Hello there Live Journal people, if anyone still looks at this journal that is :-/ I know I don't post often and I have not had much of interest to post for so long that it is boring. I suppose I enjoy posting for my own entertainment though. I post my drawing pictures because I think some of you might find that they are kind of interesting, some of them anyway.

I'm reading a book that I've been enjoying. It's THE SHACK, it has some interesting concepts about God that I find very positive and helpful. I've decided that I'll read it out loud to P and T in the evenings, I think they will both enjoy it.

I've been swimming as usual but I found out today that the pool is actually 25 meters across (I thought it was 25 yards) so 36 laps is actually a mile. I swim 40 laps so I am swimming more than a mile 3 days a week! I like that :-D

Tanner and I continue to do school but we have abbreviated it to shorter days since technically we've covered all the standards for the 6th grade. This schedule has cut down on our stress.

The regular soccer season is over so we won't have two practices and a game each week. This should free up some time to get things done outside. I've got a little garden to plant, a deck to stain and regular maintenance stuff that needs attention so it's nice to have a bit of extra time.

Last night I took Tylenol PM because I wasn't sleepy at 10:30 pm, but I knew I needed to go to bed since I get up at 5:40 am. The weird thing is that I have felt sleepy all day long. Really, I felt like if I stopped swimming this morning I could just curl up and sleep in the pool. Usually I don't feel any "hangover" when I take that stuff, what is up with how it's affecting me today? I even took a short nap before lunch, that is almost unheard of for me.
This has only happened to me once before and it was the very first time I took Tylenol PM, that day I wanted to sleep all day too. I hate it.

Today Tanner and I did social studies outside on the deck. I put my swim suit on so I could get some sun since it's a beautiful warm day. It was the first time this year that we've gone outside to do school and we both enjoyed it.

Trees
by Joyce Kilmer

I think I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree
A tree where hungry mouth is pressed
Upon the earth's sweet flowing breast

A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair

Upon whose bosom snow has lain
Who intimately lives with rain
Poems are made by fools like me
But only God can make a tree


I've always liked this poem and it seems a good one for todays drawing theme.

Life is moving right along and I can say I am so glad that the official school year is so close to ending. I say "official" because I plan to do school a couple of days a week all summer, but that is somewhat optional and feels less demanding. There will be many, many breaks and interruptions I'm sure.

I've been continuing my swimming schedule, 1000 yards freestyle and then the deep water aerobics class, three days a week. I find that if I don't get enough sleep I feel wiped out in the afternoon. I hate that! When I hear how many yards some people swim I wonder how they do it? Anyway, I have no desire to do more, I am happy with my workouts and don't want to add more time: I seem to be holding my own on weight, I don't have to worry about starving myself and I enjoy my time in the water. I am learning to do kick turns and that has been fun. Today I did them my whole workout for the first time. I know the more practice I get the more consistent I'll be.

Tanner has been needing naps lately, I guess it's because he's in a growth spurt because kids who are almost 12 usually don't care that much about naps. It's really sweet, a couple of days this week we've just taken time and snoozed for an hour in the afternoon and woke up feeling refreshed. It's rare for me to take naps but I've been enjoying it.

The weather here in southwestern Idaho is always changing this time of year and I like that. Today has been blustery and cold, yesterday we had wind and rain with a little hail too. Last weekend it was unseasonably warm with a mostly clear blue sky. We can only expect lots of variation this time of year. I love it when the sky gets that steely gray that threatens to bring hail and I see the contrast of the fresh spring green of new leaves against that backdrop, I got to see that last evening while Tanner had soccer practice.

I thought this was a great image. We may purchase this new horse and had him for a prepurchase vet check today. I was entertaining myself taking pictures and I think this was the best of the bunch. The horse was so calm he just stood there and let me get in his face with the camera. The name he's come with is Colonel.

See the whole horse here http://www.flickr.com/photos/79557817@N00/?saved=1

I went to a women's retreat last weekend and got very little sleep, I've been worthless as far as productivity today. I'm so overwhelmed with what needs done around this house that I feel like a deer in the headlights. Boo :-(

Why does time seem to fly by so fast? When I checked to see when I'd made an entry here last I was somehow startled to find that it's been a full week. Then I think about what month it is and I feel shocked that we've already passed tax time, there are blossoms on the trees, tulips blooming and foals in the pastures. Geesh, didn't I just get the Christmas decorations taken down? The part that floors me the most though is that there is only a little more than a month of our school year left. I honestly understand the old Joanie Mitchell song about dragging your feet to slow the circles down. You know it's funny too, I see time's mark on other people's faces and yet when I look out of my own eyes I feel like I'm still looking out of a 25 year old face rather than the 53 year old that I am. Strange how we can live in the moment and time seems to be suspended and yet look at the panoramic view and it's an absolute blur.

Most of my drawings are not especially symbolic but when I draw gems on a female figure they represent her children. I've done quite a few paintings and drawings with that symbolism. On this drawing the gems represent my 3 children, H, D and Tanner. I started representing my children this way because I pray for them. In the old testament of the Bible the high priest wore a device on his chest when he entered the Holy of Holies which represened the 12 tribes of Isreal before God. The thing was called an ephod and it had 12 gems on it, one for each of those 12 tribes. I think that I bear my children before God in that way. Not that I am special but that as a mother I am always connected to my children and I always bear them in this way before God.

Today Paul and I had a long and lovely walk right out our front door. It was an unseasonably warm day and although we had plenty of other things that needed done we couldn't resist the call of the great outdoors. We live at the edge of a little valley called Big Gulch. We hadn't walked in the gulch for years so today we just set out and walked up the valley and then across to the next ridge and back. It was windy but warm and it felt so good to be active in that way.

This is what it looked like on our walk today. That is the Boise valley out there past the ridge. The snow is melting fast and the grass is coming up.

Here is a doodle from my sketch book. I've been enjoying pen and ink, even taking my pens and book with me to soccer practice in case I get a chance to draw a little. Drawing is a habit to me, I feel relaxed and happy when I'm drawing even if it is just doodles.

Last Monday we took a 180 mile road trip to a tiny town in southern Idaho called Albion. We took P's wonderful horse Dually there because there is a vet with a great reputation and the best equipment for diangosing there. A week earlier we had taken Dually to a local vet (who we greatly respect) because he'd come up lame in the front end. Well that vet gave us the sad news that Dually's competitive career is over. We were just sick. This horse is the best horse P has ever had, he has such a great heart and loves to compete and yet knows when Tanner is on his back and is gentle. We decided that we just had to have a second opinion and feel fortunate that Dr. Clark is close enough that although it's quite a trip, it's very doable. As it turned out Dr. Clark's diagnosis was much different and with surgery Dually should have many more years of competition left in him. (He is 15 years old now) We left Dually there in Albion and will drive down again next week to get him. It will be another month or so before he's ready to get in shape but we are thrilled that he will be up and running again this summer.

We had a wonderful time on our trip and did a few fun things besides go to the vet since we were in a nice area of Idaho.It was a beautiful day with changing weather that included both sun and snow. I did a photo essay of our day which includes photos of a wonderful old abandoned log cabin that we explored. Here is a link to the photos if anyone is interested in looking. http://www.flickr.com/photos/79557817@N00/sets/72157604467599207/ It amazes me that this old cabin has probably been uninhabited since 1992 (according to calendars still on the walls) and yet the contents are mostly still there. I want to go back with face mask and gloves (to protect from rodent contamination) so I can investigate more thoroughly.

I know, I know, this is only an exciting image to me. Still, I just wanted to share because it does in fact make me happy when I look at this pool. It has been my help in weight loss and I've enjoyed the deep water aerobics as well as learning to swim freestyle. I feel so fortunate that I can be a member of our West City YMCA. These days I swim freestyle for 40-45 minutes and then do 45 minutes of Deep Water Aerobics three days a week.



Here is one of the little drawings from my sketchbook. It's simple and colorful and cheerful so I share it for a springtime inspiration. I have been getting a few drawings done each week and so I plan to share more in the near future. They are just doodles from my sketchbook but that is all the art I'm doing these days so it's all I have to share. It makes me happy to draw in my sketchbook. It's kind of strange that when I look back at the drawings from the past, in some cases they seem foreign to me, like someone else did them and not me. Isn't that weird?


Tomorrow morning we have to have Tanner out on the soccer field by 8:45 am and it's supposed to be cold and maybe raining. I love watching the kid play but drat, I hate the cold. It seems like it's almost always cold and windy during soccer games. Bleh.

We haven't actually colored any eggs this year yet, but last year's eggs were lovely. My darling daughter will be here on Monday and we may wait till she gets here and color eggs with her. Holly loves to do that little creative project and most years it has been a group effort so I hate to move on it without her. Besides that I don't have plans for anything fun or special around my house for Easter. (Besides treats for Tanner of course.) I will be cleaning house and going to soccer games this weekend on Saturday and then church on Sunday. We go to a great church and I look forward to special services on Sunday. ( http://www.vineyardboise.org/index.htm )

It's been a really tough week for homeschool, Tanner and I have butted heads so many times. He is extremely strong willed in some ways and his mouth just goes constantly. He is the class clown in a class of one! He entertains himself at my expense and I am trying to get that stopped. I feel pressure too, because he has testing in a month.

I am still loving the swimming and improving all the time. What a wonderful way to stay in shape! Did you know that swimming and working out in the water burns lots of calories? I am not trying to lose any weight but I hope to exchange fat for muscle with my workouts. If I don't that's still ok, I am happy with my size as it is. Another thing that is wonderful about my swims; one of the gals in my deep water aerobics class has started coming early (7:00 am) to swim with me. She is just as consistent as I am and a great encouragement too. I am very thankful to have a swimming partner, it's just fun!

I've been doing a few drawings too. I will post some after I get them photographed. Mostly I find inspiration when I'm feeling upset. I suppose it's my way of trying to "say" what I'm feeling.I keep thinking maybe I can do some drawings for Illustration Friday but I never do get around to that. Oh well, some day maybe.

I chose this drawing because it makes me think of how I'm feeling today. My sister and her husband, niece and her boyfriend came from Washington state to visit this last weekend until Wednesday morning. We had such a good time, I enjoyed every minute of their visit. Tanner and I took an early spring break so I didn't have to do school which was also a pleasure. We females (mom, sis, neice and myself) goofed off together shopping and talking and eating lunch out, it was such a treat! I wish Holly had been here too but she'll be here in a couple of weeks to visit. So this next week I will try to get extra lessons done for school so I can goof off some more *grin*. Today I'm trying to readjust, you know how it is when you have to get back to the regular routine?

Because my company left in the morning yesterday I skipped my early morning workout and didn't get to the Y until about 11am. It was the first time that I have just done laps and not the deep water aerobics class also. I swam for 50 minutes and it felt wonderful. Usually the total time I work out in the pool is about 70 or 80 minutes so I didn't dream I'd be so wiped out yesterday afternoon. Freestyle swimming must really take a lot out of a person. I was pretty much worthless the rest of the day.

Today I stayed home and worked on homeschool stuff that has to be done, not teaching but planning and preparing a portfolio that is due at the end of the month. Tanner had soccer practice this evening. My days are always so full. I have a good friend who's son is on the same team as Tanner and we really enjoy visiting while the boys practice, I'm thankful for that.

Although it's not this green yet, this is the kind of skys we had today, it was so beautiful! The forsythia isn't even blooming yet around our valley but the crocus and tiny daffodills are coming up and the grass is begining to grow on the hills. I can see that some of the trees have buds swelling on their limbs too.


This morning we woke to soft rain, later the sun came out off and on between the changing cloud formations and we even had a short burst of hail. From my house we can look across the valley to the east and south and see the storms in the distance. Where the rain is falling it looks like tattered gray curtains hanging down toward the earth or there might be shining white clouds scattered by the wind and letting shafts of brilliant sunlight filter down to the distant hills causing them to stand out in rich detail. Sometimes we will see a hazy look in the south and watch it get closer and closer until our house is smacked with the wind and rain that has been rapidly approaching. It's also wonderful to see the spring snowstorms on the mountains. When it's snowing on the foot hills there might be big clouds piled up high but below bright white curtains brushing the hills in places and alternating with patches of silvery sunlight. Idaho springs are truly lovely.

I did this drawing a long time ago but since I don't have a new one to show and because parenting and schooling is on my mind, I decided that I'd use it here.

The question I ask myself ( when I'm feeling sorry for myself) is why is the third child that has been appointed to me to raise, another difficult one? Of course I have to ask myself, am I a thick- headed fool, so goofy that I don't know what I'm doing? That seems pretty extreme, I say, I have at least average intelligence and I've been around this block twice already. I wonder, is there some lesson that I need to learn, one that I failed to learn while spending 20 years bringing up the first two offspring appointed to me? If that is the case then it is escaping me again, maybe I am actually the thick-headed fool? Patience? I know for sure that it would do me good to learn to be more patient but it seems that when dealing with a child that would readily argue with God himself, it's just asking to much of me. Daily I set out to be more patient than the day before. Alas, I find my daily resolve eroding by 10:00 AM. Like tiny drops of acid, constantly drip, drip dripping on the skin until it hits the exquisitely sensitive nerve, my defenses are burned through and I react. The pencil drops, the mouth spouts constantly, this assignment is to difficult, the book's answers are wrong, there is just too much work, I don't need to know this, I don't care if I don't get it right, I want to do it perfect and I can't, Nana just wants to make it hard, nobody else has to learn this stuff, can we skip math?, can we do math and skip grammar? I can't do this, your not teaching me... ad-infinitum. Drip, drip, drip. If anyone tries to tell me that A.D.D. is not real all I can say is come live with my grandson, he is surly a poster boy for the reality of this challenging disorder. Yes, some behaviors are just "kid stuff" but the lack of focus, the impulsive blurting out and talking, the class clown antics in a one child class, the fidgeting, etc. are enough to prove the reality to any "glutton for punishment" willing to take on the task. Oh yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today. I am earning every silvery hair on my head.

Let me say for the record though, that I am that "glutton for punishment" because I will continue taking on this challenge until the task is complete one way or another. Hey, it's only 7 years until high school graduation! Today I've allowed myself a wee bit of self pity, it's been a rough go for a while, but tomorrow I'll regroup and begin a new day with optimism. That is my way because I know that Tanner is my charge, appointed to me/us by God almighty (who has more confidence in me than I do). Tanner is challenging but his virtues are many and worth cultivating. Love is the bottom line isn't it?

The joy was that I finally succeeded with swimming. I know most of you probably think it sounds silly, but I have been trying to swim freestyle for weeks. I could swim across the pool many times, but I would be so winded that I had to stop and get my breath at the end of each lap. (I think I've said that before.) My goal was to learn to swim for fitness, without stopping but just doing laps comfortably. Well, I can't say exactly what happened but I know it has to do with relaxing and breathing more naturally. At any rate today it happened, the hard work and persistence paid off and I finally settled in and I can now swim at least 6 to 8 laps smoothly and comfortably, maybe more. I can't wait to go back on Monday and practice again. I practice about 40 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, I would have done more today but my deep water aerobics class was starting. It feels like a big accomplishment to me. Now I want to learn how to do that flip turn at the ends like the "big kids" do :-D

But the rest of the day was full of woe.



I can't remember when I did this drawing, I found it here. http://www.flickr.com/photos/79557817@N00/ (in my Flickr photos) This image is how I feel about the day.

I got a call from a friend who had to have her 14 year old daughter arrested yesterday. The girl had been caught with weed at school recently and then yesterday she gave her mom a black eye and drug her across the room by the hair. Honestly, it is heartbreaking on so many levels.

Then I spent the afternoon with a friend who's marriage is crumbling in a most difficult way.

Besides those two sad stories, each of my kids have some things going on that are pretty tough to deal with and my husband and I have some difficult financial decisions to make for our personal lives. This is life, but some days life seems pretty heavy.

I would rather post happiness, I don't mean to be a downer.

I meant to add this to the last entry.

This is our little Priss on her new bed that I got for her at Costco. She loved it immediately. What is funny is that Tanner also loves the dog bed and uses it for watching TV. Today he got sleepy during school and cuddled up right there on the dog bed with a few extra pillows to make it extra cozy, he fell asleep and enjoyed himself greatly.


I made some progress swimming this morning. I have to say, now I want to go back to the pool and practice some more. I have only had one lesson and then the gal who had volunteered to help a friend and I flaked out. I've been trying to teach myself. I had a feeling I wasn't doing things right but didn't have a way to know since nobody was officially watching me. Well, today a friend told me he had noticed that I was improving and then gave me some tips. Then a friend from my deep water aerobics class watched me swim (when I didn't realize it) and gave me a few more tips. I did a few more laps and it felt so much better! I know this isn't interesting for my LJ friends to read but it is a big deal to me because I've been trying to learn to swim freestyle for weeks now. I'm not trying to swim fast and I don't want to compete, I just want to be competent and strong when I swim for exercise.

I got a few hours alone today! I can't tell you how rare that is lately. So did I use the time constructively? If construction on my ability to cope counts, then yes. I had a nice talk on the phone with my darling daughter and didn't have any interruptions, I did some reading and some web surfing, I did a little vacuuming and some dishes. Happily, it's just the kind of day I needed.

Earlier I had gone out (with Tanner and a friend of his) to Costco and Petco. We got a little habitat for Tanner's blue belly lizard and when I got home (the boys had been picked up by the friends mom) I got the lizard's new living space all fixed up and even heated a rock for him. I dumped the nasty, creepy looking crickets I'd purchased in last. That little lizard ate 3 of those ugly critters in less than 30 seconds! Must have been mighty hungry. Then I set the lizard house in the sunny window and he crawled up on the rock with the sun on his back and just enjoyed himself. So? Well, it just amazes me that I could actually tell the lizard was happy and enjoying himself. Small things amuse small minds, huh? As soon as the sun began to set the lizard buried himself in the sand for the night.

Feeling pretty anxious for spring to show up. Right now our beautiful, snowy winter has disolved into a drab, gray and brown landscape with an overshadowing of the nasty, murky air of an inversion. To be positive, we usually have a whole lot more of this ugliness every winter and this year we are getting it later than usual and it probably won't last as long. Still, it's a very depressing weather pattern.

I haven't been able to draw much lately. I'm busy, but there's also another element: lack of inspiration. I don't know for sure why I feel uninspired, perhaps it's the time of year. Homeschooling is feeling like an uphill battle and the murky atmosphere has the effect of being a downer. I don't know, maybe it's just a naturally occuring dry spell.

I do look forward to my early morning treks to the YMCA on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Geesh, I am so very thankful for my time there and that wonderful pool. I'm not improving much on my freestyle swimming but I sure do enjoy trying. It's the breathing part that I don't seem to get. I know how to breathe rythmically but I must not take in full breaths because by the time I swim the 50 m across I am out of breath and have to catch it again before returning. I know I'm doing something wrong because there are plenty of people who swim for 30 minutes without stopping. I can easily swim backstroke or breast stroke without stopping and do my 1 hour deep water aerobic class after that, so I know it's not a matter of being out of shape. I wonder if it's the "old dog, new trick" scenerio?

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday too! We usually do an abreviated school day on Fridays, just math and maybe a trip to the library.

That's it for now, nothing very interesting for today.

In case it will be an inspiration to anyone, I just had to show these two pictures of me. I was going through some images today and I was struck again by the difference in how I look in these two. The before picture was taken 6 months before I started getting control of my eating and working out in the pool. The second one is me today. I know that I look older now, there is alot of sagging on the face that takes place when a person loses much weight and ages. Still, I am so thrilled to have done it and be in great shape as far as health and weight are concerned. I've even written my story down and shared with a couple of local groups in hopes that I can be an inspiration. It's been 1 year and 8 months that I have been at my current weight. Please, I am not bragging, I just want to share and be helpful to anyone who is feeling like it's not worth it to take control of their body and get healthier.

This is a drawing I did several years back when I was dreaming of losing weight.