The Sound of One Hand Withholding Applause

Macy’s Thxgvng Hi-Lites Tape!!!
Why is that woman videotaping the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

Crammed ass-to-elbow with millions of other parade-gapers on Seventy-Something and Central Park West, I notice her, holding aloft a Hi-8 camcorder and aiming it at the parade. She has the view screen pivoted downward so she can see the marchers, tumblers, anything below the level of the tallest person in the crowd. From where I stand, getting kicked in the shoulder blades by toddlers held up behind me, shielding myself from the corners of diaper bags, and occasionally making room for broods maneuvering past me, I can only see the giant balloons, some of the taller floats, and the occasional cheerleader hurled into the air.

This parade lasts for hours. And it’s not much more than ambient crowd noise pierced by the occasional “SpongeBob! SpongeBob!” Is she really ever going to watch this?

I imagine the cassette sitting untouched in a closet somewhere, gathering dust until the following Thanksgiving, when the next cassette is added to the pile. I roll my eyes at what I assume is some overzealous holiday cheergiver with elaborate and never-to-be-realized dreams of editing together a “Macy’s Thxgvng Hi-Lites Tape!!!”

The shrieks shake me from my internal rant.

Kermit the Frog has bumped a lamppost. The post is pulled from its base on the sidewalk, and it falls into the crowd. People are pushing, screaming, and at least one person has obviously been hurt. As I turn and add myself to the press of humanity fleeing from the commotion, I catch sight of the woman jumping up and down excitedly.

“I got it!” she screams, delighted. “I got it!”

The woman is a patient, morbid genius.