| New LJ |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|10:27 am] |
My new name is autumn_silver. I'll add those already on my friends list, anyone else is free to add me
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| thinking |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|11:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alkaline trio | ] |
am sitting around thinking. this time a few years back i had a friend who until recently i thought made me happy. the more i think about it i realise that i was in my darkest days, in a failing marriage and generally failing with life. this person is no longer talking to me for reasons unknown but i never thanked him. so thank you from the bottom of my heart. i doubt he will see that but at least i said it. he made me realise my self worth and the more i think about the conversations etc we had the more now i realise i can do things that if it was not for him i wouldnt be here now. fresh start tomorrow clean slate. time i liked myself. |
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| didn't |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|07:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radio | ] |
didn't get to the library today, hopefully wednesday. not that it matters right now. the urge to cut is really strong. i feel lost and alone, wandering with out any definite purpose. i feel rejected, dejected, pointless. if i knew why maybe i would feel better. in all honesty i have felt this way for a good few weeks now. it feels like i am having some kind of break down. hope every one is okay x |
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| monday |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|05:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
monday, when i am at the library, i am going to set up a new live journal. with none of this self hating bull shit none of this moaning about how bad life is. positive. fresh start. will leave new name on here. |
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| new rule |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|04:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radio one | ] |
i am no longer allowed to exercise unless i eat. r made that up this morning. i have no choice other than to follow it. i can see arguments if i disagree and i dont want that. just had to vent it. hope everyone is okay x |
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| binged |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|07:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
i just binged. i dont purge though right now i wish i did. i feel weak and out of control. i need my head emptying. i need control over something. i know what i want to do with my life. why am i so hell bent on screwing myself up. |
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| bored |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|05:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tori amos | ] |
i am bored. i lack the concentration to read. so that leads to another nonsensical post here. i have been thinking a lot about the whole going to uni next year. i think that if i got offered a place anywhere i would still hope for hull but that is still a long way off. r seems to be getting better although he doesnt see it which means i would have the chance to stand on my own two feet. as would he. i dont know though i may just forget the whole idea, right now i am in two minds about everything. s is leaving soon which is going to be hard on r, him and his dad are very close. i need to get a job, this i am certain of but it would need to be highly paid to be able to support me and r. it seems i cant do anything with out possibly putting him in a difficult place. do i ignore this and look out for me or put him first? any ideas would be much appreciated. x |
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| eaten |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|04:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | sofa | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
managed to eat something small, it's a start. i think if i just get to 9 st i might be able to think clearer. am reading pride and prejudice. i hope my course stuff comes through soon, i am really looking forward to doing it. if i can fight these eating issues and stay strong i see no reason why i cant go to uni next year,i see no reason why i cant succeed at something. been thinking about why i left church as well, but thats a different story. love to all. |
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| if... |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|02:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radio 1 | ] |
if i talk about it, it isn't an eating disorder. if i talk about it i dont have to admit it. i've lost 6 lb in the last 3 days, my weight is still healthy i am still okay. its not back, this isn't about control. i am in total control. r said he noticed it back weeks ago but that cant be right. oh i dont know what i am trying to achieve writing this. i need a coffee and a ciggy.hope everyone is okay. |
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| Things seem to be on the up... |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|11:31 am] |
I made a discovery of what happens if I miss my night time dose of Olanzapine...I get disorintated, my head feels like a messed up ball of wool and I can't do anything as I feel ultra clumsy. Despite the fact I hate taking it, I can now see why I take it and have decided not to take myself off of it for the forseeable future.
Today I sent the final part of my OU application off, so that should hopefully be me on a course in October :-) I've been emailing other universities as well seeing as some can't be bothered to get back to me (the bitches!). I know it's not that they can't be bothered but hey, I need a laugh!
I've not really been up to much lately, just sorting out stuff for this OU course and trying to get my life back on track.
Hope everyone is okay x |
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| Finally... |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|10:24 am] |
They've finally closed the JSA claim, which means income support should be ready and willing to give us money now (hey I can dream).
I got my divorce papers through this morning, I have to fill out and form and send it back then I'm in the process of becoming a 'free' woman, what ever made me marry him I'll never know, I guess in all honesty it was fear.
I'm wearing a dress. Ha. I really am. |
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| blood tests and things looking smiley! |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|12:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
First thing this morning I went and had my blood test, four massive vials of the stuff they took out of me, and I hadn't eaten, god did I go sleepy. I've had a hot cross bun now. lol. I suppose I should explain why I had the damn blood taken out in the first place. The Dr I saw from the CATTs on Monday thinks my rapid mood changes could be down to a thyroid problem, I think she's also thinking that something somewhere (hence the lots of blood being taken) could be to blame for my waning apetetite. But hey, never mind I guess, if it turns out to be physical at least I know the only thing I have to deal with psychiatrically is depression and not bi-polar or something like that.
And now for the good news...Hull uni have also said that the OU course would get me on to their english course. I am one happy person. If I manage to feel out the UCAS form well, blah blah blah, you know the small print. But the main thing is it'd get me on the course. The reason this makes me so damn happy is because Hull's english degree has an option to do Gothic lit. which is right down my alley. I have to e-mail UCLAN back with some more info on myself so that's probably a no, so that's 3 down 4 to go.
This bitch will make it to university, just you blimmin' well watch me! |
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| okaaaaay |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|12:39 pm] |
So the other day I e-mail a lot of universities, so far one, yes ONE (out of 7) has actually bothered to reply to me. If they all go the same was as the one that replied I'm laughing. If not, Hello Birmingham/UCE.
I'm not allowed to eat for 24 hours, I'm having a 'fasting' blood test tomorrow checking all sorts, mainly my thyroid function I think. SO that should be fun. Not.
I can cook - I made vegetable and cheese pasties, AND I'm making a pie tonight to use up the last of the filling.
I LIKE SOYA MILK. There I've said it. I actually prefer it to 'normal' milk. So next I want to try vegan cheese.
For my own record, I've e-mailed; Hull, Manchester Met, UCE Birmingham, Leeds, East London, Central Lancashire and Falmouth |
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| Vegetarianism and bubble bath |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|12:38 pm] |
Today, World, I am feeling absolutely shite (again). I wasn't discharged on Thursday although they said they wanted to, but didn't because of my mood, so instead they'll discharge me on Monday, which I have no problem with. Apart from the fact I've gone back to feeling depressed, or rather more depressed.
The benefits are still f**king us around, but they've said 'hopefully Monday'. All I can say is 'Thank the fact my Mum loves me and is putting some money in R's account, and thank the fact Squirell loves R and likes me (I think) and is getting us some food'. Squirell is super cool actually, R told him that I've gone Veggie and he just said, 'cool, what sort of shopping do you want then?' and gave me loads of ideas for things I could make (he's an ex-chef/baker), he also told R off for taking the piss out of me for the aforementioned. I know R only means it as a joke but it's a little annoying when he tells me to cut it out because I'm making sure I can eat/use something. He also keeps going on about animals being bred for food. Just because despite my depression I've decided to sort myself out, sort my life out. I'm sick of living down to other peoples expectations, why shouldn't I make something of myself? What right have other people got to tell me that I'm a failure and that I should spend the rest of my life ruining the planet, taking hour long baths and eating animal carcass??
Speaking of hour long baths, how can people do that? How can you sit there and fester in your own dirt and dead skin, cover yourself in crap and then claim to feel 'clean and relaxed/refreshed'?!?!? I don't get it, I have a bath to get clean because we have no shower, the longest I'll spend in the bath is about 5-10 minutes and even that feels like a life time. I wash my hair, wash me and get out (apart from if I need to de-fuzz), there's no relaxing involved. Also what is the point in bubble bath?!?! It gets in the way of the simple thing of washing your hair, you get out of the bath covered in more bastard bubble then you leave in the damn thing and they make a disconcerting noise by your ears as you try and wash. Definitely not my idea of a relaxation method!!!
Anyone?
Also some-one, a friend, was going to write me a letter, I doubt they will seeing as they a)seem to be ignoring me and b) never bother to write back anyway. I don't know why I'm holding my breathe waiting for it, I guess I care about him too much, I guess I wish he cared that I care. Never mind though I guess, I'll get over it, I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth something and that if people don't want to talk to me that's up to them. Everyone makes their own decisions and choices and all I can do is respect that. So there you go I will not mention the aforementioned again no matter how strongly I feel. |
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[Jul. 13th, 2006|02:53 pm] |
I feel rough today. I have the crisis team at half three and far from being able to tell them I still feel great I think I'll be telling them I feel absolutely shite.
R is really down at the moment and that's making my ideas of uni next year seem selfish. I don't want to be held responsible for his actions if I 'left' him, but I guess I've got to think about myself for a change. Thanks to 'ice cream lady' (a lovely CPN whose name I don't know) I've decided that my long term plan is to (drum roll, and stop laughing): be an english teacher. I know it's going to take a while to get there and I could fail, I mean after all I've got to get into uni first. But it's a plan, not a dream but a plan. Well that's the long term career plan, then there's staying veggie or looking in to other choices, I've had to change my shower gel 'cause I didn't know if it was veggie friendly for one that is vegan friendly so I know I'm safe! lol. It's good though, rather than checking the calories of everything I'm checking that it's sutible for vegetarians.
-X- |
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| Yes! |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|11:22 am] |
As of tomorrow I get discharged. YES!!!! I am well, I knew that anyway, I feel great, I'm optimistic with life. I rock. Well, okay that's a bit to strong a word. But I'm an okay person.
benefits are still fucking us around, they can't seem to make up their mind as to wether the old claim is closed or not, I guess the only way to look at it is that the longer they arse about the bigger the back payment. lol. There's a silver lining if ever i needed one.
I seem to have pissed off some one I actually give a damn about, in future I'm going to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself rather than risk friendships. |
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[Jul. 11th, 2006|10:35 am] |
The last few days I've written stupid letters and said stupid things. actually I don't think I've made any sense to anyone.
today I'm applying for a course, seeing the crisis team (I really don't want to, I'm sick of it) and generally making a promise to myself to be honest with myself.
Also I vow to stop sending stupid letters.
Now I've...
1)Applied for the course.
2) Emailed Manchester Met and Hull Uni, and am trying to think of others.
la la de da, I have to see the crisis team at half 11. I was going to quit smoking but R decided to be mean to me and blow smoke in my face so I ended up smoking, so now I got to start again. growl. |
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| *hiccup* |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|11:20 am] |
Ok-ay well I'm a bit nuts today.
The jobcentre still haven't processed the claim, meaning no food, no way to pay bills, no way to do anything. So yet again it's a case of get in debt and try and get a crisis loan. I'm in crisis honest.
I'm am in crisis, it's crisis 'cause I'm in a good mood. I'm in crisis because due to my good mood I just left some one a weird comment. Hopefully it made him smile though. So yeah I'm off to do weird and wonderful stuff, namely research things for a master plan I'm hatching in my drugged up brain. I don't want to take the medication, it's bad. growl. |
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| Update |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|02:03 pm] |
Still seeing crisis team daily, no big deal. they think I'm paranoid and psychotic as well as depressed, damn it, I'm not! I've got to sort out rape counselling and normal counselling myself and then they're sorting out confidence building, anxiety management and an assortment of groups like book club, music and art appreciation ect to keep myself occupied.
On a self-improvement side I've:
1) Re-found my religion (I was a lazy pagan, I'm trying to get in to it more, do more for nature blah blah got a good book called 'The Modern Pagan out of the library)
2) Decided to go Veggie, or possible vegan, just because I found some kick ass recipies, one called 'swallow-it-all bananana balls' hell yeah!)
3) I'm going to start exercising, even maybe yoga.
And that's all now I've got to go kick ass at the job centre because they haven't closed the JSA thingy so they can't give us income support, damn it, I need to eat. the government suck. |
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| why didn't I lie? |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|12:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
Yesterday I had the doctors again. Okay not a problem. BUT, I saw her and something I said rang off alarm bells and she rang the CATT (Crisis Assesment and Treatment Team), they were meant to be going up to the surgery but something happened so I had to get from Bennetts End surgery to Slippers Hill in 5 minutes (they made me a 3pm appointment, it was 14.55) and that is impossible. I fell through the door at 15.45 panting trying to explain that I'd had to walk from the other side of town so I was rather late. She said it was okay, just to sit and wait as the person I was meant to see was busy, I sat and waited and waited and waited. Then some-one appeared and asked me to go with them, for the next 45 minutes of my life I was stuck in a room with a psychiatrist, a social worker and a CPN (i know it sounds like a bad joke). The questions bothered me, my anxiety went through the roof and I was relieved when they said they needed to discuss things (i.e me) and could I wait outside? I took that time to have a fag and try and get my head around everything, I couldn't work out what the hell I was doing there. As far as I was aware they'd chat, tell me they couldn't help me and I'd go home. Hell was I wrong! I now have to see and memember of the CATT EVERY fucking day (today at 4, I can't wait, um, not)until they decide otherwise. I mean when R had to see the it was only for a week and he just got phone calls, why do I have to walk down and see them?!?!? I'm only depressed. Okay suicidal. And I'm in trouble with them over my weight, I was 9st13 on the 17/06/06 and now I'm 9st7, so in nine days I'd lost 6lb, she asked me if I'd lost weight and I told her the truth, I should have lied. I'm not complaining, I'm mean I'm just not hungry and when I do eat I get half way through the meal and feel full and sick.
Oh and I've been put on Olanzapine to help me sleep and to help with anxiety.
If only I learnt to keep my gob shut then I wouldn't be in this situation.
hugs to all x |
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