July 24th, 2008

Current Music: Cindy Lauper-Shine-Water's Edge Subject: Interesting Finds Time: 12:27 am

Wasabi fire-alarm (Japanese) Spray cans dispense the odor of horseradish to awaken deaf people from their sleep. Jewel-Eye (Netherlands) Watched the "instructional" (?...!)surgery video. Eeeeeesh. A small piece of platinum jewelry is inserted into the sclera. The Wasp Knife-A small canister of compressed gas inside the handle delivers a bolus of gas when the knife penetrates the skin. The expanding gas creates a zone of deadly cold, freezing vital organs. This weapon was developed to kill animals quickly when threatened in the wild; now, it has found its way into Britain. www.technovelgy.com Science Fiction News

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September 4th, 2007

Subject: Just when you thought they couldn't get any weirder... Time: 12:03 pm Current Mood: shocked

It seems I am constantly discovering new secrets, new pictures and tidbits of info on Rasputina when I'm convinced I know just about everything there is to know! Melora just revealed in a recent interview after *11 years*, that Carpella Parvo was a fictious bandmember who never existed. She is credited in "Thanks for the Ether" for playing cello, and many people (including me) identified that name with the woman standing to the left of Melora inside the CD cover. That woman is actually Agnieszka Rybska, who IS credited in the Special Thanks section on the CD, I guess for appearing in the photoshoot, since she did not contribute musically to the album. (who knows why.) Carpella's name was a play on "carpal tunnel syndrome" since Melora and Julia gave themselves carpal tunnel by playing the parts of the third-chair. Melora's words were: "On the first record, Carpella Parvo. [Julia] Kent and I just made that up. Carpella was like carpal tunnel, because we gave ourselves carpal tunnel playing the other parts." For years Carpella has been listed (and STILL is) under the Lost Souls section of their website as "The Mystery Girl. If anyone hears from her, let us know."! Mel and Julia had us worrying about a missing person who was never even alive! Leave it to Melora. http://rasputina.com/historyLost.html

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April 2nd, 2007

Subject: update Time: 01:45 am Current Mood: distressed

I don't really care for facebook. It's the new rage I think, cause I found all the St. James people on there, and none of them on MySpace. But ppl have been saying they like facebook better. I don't think one is better, they're just different. Facebook is too sterile and formal for my taste. It's actually kinda boring. MySpace may be a bit juvinelle, but at least it's fun and personable. You can at least put up music tracks and design backgrounds and get a little weird on there. Well, from my last blog, things have changed. I don't* enjoy having a bunch of things to do. I am so sick of school, and dangerously unmotivated. It's my third year, I was planning on graduating this May up until a few hours ago. My Biology professor recommends withdrawl to anyone who's average is in the 40's, which of course is me. I think it's a 44. Low indeed. I tell myself I don't care so it doesn't hurt as much, but I do, but at the same time, I just let it all go without really making an effort. I don't know why. I'm afraid for my college education, if I don't snap out of this 'senioritis' type stage. Anyway, I submitted my graduation application for MCC in early March (like a good girl, I applied early) And finally fired off my application for Fall 2007 admission into CCSU in March also. (took my exactly 1 year to get the goddamned thing done.) So I'm flunking shit left and right. 40's on Math tests, 2 out of 10 on an Economics test, I just did not do one of the major writing assigments for American Lit, and I'm pretty sure Im the only one, and Biology, I'll probably have to withdraw from which means, no graduation which means incredible wrath from dad which means stress for me, and something's wrong with me. And its scary cause I do and don't wanna fix it at the same time. Maybe I'm depressed again. The last thing I wanna do is up my dose of Prozac and see a therapist again. I wanted to get off that stuff for good last year, it made me fat. Also what brings me down. I've packed on a lot of pounds, and while I'm not technically fat, I'm a little meaty for my body frame, and it shows, and I fucking hate it when people around me lie to make me feel better instead of just admitting the plain Obvious truth. I said to Katie, carefully choosing my words, that "I know I'm not fat*" BUT if I was "sort of getting chubby" Her reply was devastating. She said: "Jessie, your not fat!" That was the worst answer I could have gotten. That meant a big fat yes, you are are*** kind of getting a little chubby, because she did not answer the question. Rather she told me what I already knew was true, to aviod answering what she obviously thought was a "yes". There was also a Christmas picture of me and Alex that we all looked at last year. For some reason, I looked really*** heavy. Like 15 more pounds than I already am.. And I said, God shrink I look so fat in that picture. And I did. I just plain fucking did. It was UNdeniable. There was a very silent pause as Mom and Katie realized how heavy I did look, and said, "No you don't" in quiet, painfully unconvincing voices. A real friend would just say, "Yeah Jess. You look heavy in this pic. But don't worry cause you don't look that heavy in real life." THAT'S what I would like to fucking hear just for once, instead of wracking my brain trying to decide whether I look overweight or not. I finally found Sarah and Amanda and Kaitlyn and there all still friends with eachother expect for me. It's amazing. And after having so many intense, realistic elaborate dreams about becoming friends again, it makes really finding them kind of surreal and strange. I hope I can get out of this frightening funk I am in. Has it become me, or am I surrending to an extinguishable feeling? I'm not at ease.

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June 26th, 2006

Time: 10:30 pm

Okay. Math ends Thursday. Co-op class starts Wednesday. We only meet 7 times, it ends in August, so no big deal at all. I just hope I don't have to complete 150 hours at the JI before the class is over.. that wouldn't be fair.. Anyway- I sort of like having a mess of things to do. Stuff scattered places, mental lists of chores, maybe writing stuff on my hand. It keeps me busy, and maybe after the flurry of obligations I finally won't have any more shit to do, with semester-sign-ups, isolated classes, scheduling and all that bull. I'll just cruise in Central for two solid years, and that will be my life... and work. Right now it's the Math course M-Th 8-9:55, Co-op course W 4-6 for 6 weeks, still Fashion Bug part-time, JI Th/F 10-2. I have to square up with dad as far as money goes, return crap at AJ Wright, deposit my paycheck (I still* feeling like I'm missing one...) Have dad attach my right blinker light, clean-sweep my room, talk to a counselor and sign up for Fall 2006, stop at the Antiques place and ask where Serene Scapes went cause mom let my 70 bucks go down the drain. bla bla bla bla

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June 15th, 2006

Time: 10:30 pm Current Mood: uck

It was quite a long day at the JI. I hate it there. I sat in a chair so uncomfortable for 4 hours I felt like I had my fucking period afterwards cause of the backache. Elaine just sat me in front of the computer with a few papers on this General Rochambeau March parade crap and I tried to put together some stuff...... for four hours. She didn't even tell me whether or not I was writing a story or not. She said "read these over" and I did.. several times, cause it was still "deadline" for her and she gives me very little attention and guidance. She was on edge. A woman asked her something and she put her fingers to her temples and said "Can you just give me 5 seconds?" I decided to just start writing like a brief on it anyways cause there was nothing else to do and then it became something I was supposed to be doing somehow... We're so awkward around each other, I don't know if she cares for me that much. She asked if I brought along a sweater and I nicely told her no, that what I was wearing was kinda like one and she just paused and said "We'll see." Like she was pissed. I don't care for her all that much. She's very officey. Plump with a telephone voice and chatty, and she just looks like someone Mom would describe at March. The day sucked because I woke up* at 7:30 am and didn't have time to eat any breakfast before class. Chris was late too though, so it was all good. I sort of rushed my exam cause like an idiot*** I said I'd come in Thursdays from 10-2. Math class doesn't get out until 9:55. What the fuck? I didnt think I was that stupid. We had an exam and I don't think I did that well on it. I'm guessing 71.. I'd be pleased if it was in the 80's. I think there'll be a curve, cause I know I'm not the only one who got stuck. The 50-year old guy who always gets frustrated was sighing the whole time and then stormed out of class, and it didn't look like he even handed in his test first. Chris was looking at him when he left. That weird girl with the big chest and the crooked leg who always comes in late I know* couldn't have done that well, cause she's not there a lot and she was asking him a lot of questions. I asked if he had any extra pencils before we started (I was so prepared) And he scrunched up his face and shook his head. I never noticed how amazingly blue his eyes were. Or green, but they're very bright and they almost look like contacts, cause the rest of his complexion is dark brown like mine. I wanted to ask him a question (Which P do we solve for?) but my breath was too bad. Then I got lost taking the Woodbridge street to the JI (which of course it didn't lead to) So I had to turn around and start over from the Middle Tpk West intersection. I was afraid I'd be late so I didn't stop for something to eat. I went hungry from 7-2. Gawd. I hope it gets better there. I'm not crazy about the atmosphere, the pointless and boring work I'm doing so far. However, she did say "Oh thats a good outfit" when I came in and said "I know you're eager to start" or something, probably cause I came in 15 mins early. I've got the internship stuff for her to read over and sign tomm. I hope she doesnt get irritated. If she's stiiiill on deadline forget it. Only 146 more hours to go.

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June 14th, 2006

Time: 09:33 pm

Ok- Still in MAT 095 course. Ends June 29th Still working at Fashion Bug part-time Start working tomorrow as an intern for the Journal Inquirer. Elaine Sabo has a story for me to work on about Rochambeau's March in town. Have to take a co-op class in conjunction with the internship. I need 150 unpaid hours and a passing grade in the course to get the credit. I'm wary of having to throw all this stuff at Elaine that she has to read and approve and sign. I didn't tell her anything about getting credit towards my degree with this when she talked to me. And it's from 10-2 on Thursdays and Fridays. Why did I do that?? My class doesn't get out technically until 9:55. It's gonna be a bitch to rush to the JI straight from school. I'll have to get dressed all formally before I come to class, and it's hot as hell in the mornings and my AC sucks. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhd. Not to mention I have to register for fall semester and figure out what I should take besides Quantitative Literacy so I have to talk to a counselor and then pray to sweet jesus my 2.19 gpa won't present a problem in being accepted, cause if it is, I'm fucked. But happy thoughts..

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April 28th, 2006

Subject: Sent : Thursday, April 27, 2006 Time: 01:52 am

Yeah, I feel like shit, Im not beating myself up. (I had told him not to beat himself up over it, so he's being sarcastic here) You said you wanted to see more of me than that, and that was hard for me to send but not hard cause I felt a trust and security because of what we said and how we talk. I feel so fckn stupid, I have never done anything like that in my life. You have every right to feel the way you do because you cant help the way you feel, but so do I. God I wanted to make you happy and it blew up huge. I might not be around for a few days till my embarrasment wears off, I hope it does.

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Subject: jaces email Time: 01:49 am

sorry but I cant take back that video and i dont think i would even though im extremely hurt and embarrased. kinda shows me that we arent on the same page. if you sent me that i would be so excited and happy i would faint, im not saying that you are suppose to be the same but i assumed you were by the way I took this part out cuz its personal), i thought that it was nothing to send that but exciting. I went from no shirt, to boxers, to feeling myself with boxers..whats after that? I am so glad i didnt do what we thought of. but i may as well have because i replay it in my head and it feels like i sent that to my mother or something and i have to talk to her the next day, i wouldnt be able to look her in the eyes or even say a thing. If you sent me that and i said what you did you would be the exact same way or even worse. my heart is heavy even saying this shit because its to you. maybe we will talk some time..fck im going to miss you.

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April 16th, 2006

Time: 10:57 pm

A History of Violence- SUCKED It was so Unrealistic with the high-school aged kid. He catches a ball in gym class. Big deal. Then the Ken-doll-looking jock comes along and threatens him (?? cause of catching a ball??) and the kid defends himself with his geeky smarts. The jocks sidekicks laugh, but when he turns around their smiles fade. C"MON!!! It was the most unrealistic and stereotypical highschool scenario I'd ever seen. And **Nobody** takes gym class that seriously. And the husband and wife (I laughed* when she came out in the cheerleading outfit) screw eachother and she's like "You're the best* man I've ever* known." Could we get anymore OBVIOUS with the FORESHADOWING? Ok, so now we've randomly established love, peace, and romance to make the inevitable badness hit us harder. whatever

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April 2nd, 2006

Subject: why are people so mean? Time: 08:52 pm Current Mood: frustrated

I was running around all day at work, doing putbacks, cleaning, vacuuming, and customers were difficult. Difficult because I found myself dealing with same bullshit over and over again, I'm getting jaded to this, I'm losing my patience and politeness for customers. One bitch mom had a cash refund and I had to go through the fucking list of questions to complete the return. What's your first name? And your last? And your address? By the time I got to that one, she gave me the attitude, flatly and annoyed she said "What do you need that for?" If I had no limitations I would have gotten right in her face and said FUCK YOU You think your the victim here, poor thing having to open your mouth and answer a few simple questions while I do all the work, cringing at your reaction to everything I ask cause it's the FUCKERS like you who make my job stressfull. Of course I blubbered: "It's for the return. It's just- It's cause it's a cash refund." She bitchily, tiredly gave me the address and I just made up the zip. I didn't DARE ask her another question. 4 digits is too much to ask from her. Working so hard, watching me type away and bag her shit, with a million other things to do, listen to her bitch to her kids, the white trash jaded cunt. It embarasses me when people yell at their kids. One second your smiling at them cause they're cute or nice and then through grit teeth: JEREMY! STOP* THAT I SAID NO!!! Ummmm awkward silence following mom's explosion... .. uh-heh.. ..... I don't ever wanna be a mom, if it means turing into that*. Towards the long-awaited and deserved end-of-the-day, I was sweating and vaccuming the floors. The bell rang and I heard "Excuse me" (uhhhh, can't they see I'm busy) It was Katie and Nadia. They just stopped in, giggled and left. I was uncomfortable cause I looked and felt shitty. Another woman bitched about a coupon. Explained her side all fast: "The girl told me yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada They changed their policy??" I had enough. I dinged for Alex and she made me feel stupid by telling me what I already knew like I was fucking clueless (I know they think Im stupid there) And I didn't say anything. I couldn't say in front of the customer: "I know I couldn't use the coupon on Priced Just Right, but I did it anyway*** Alex, cause she's one of thoooosee*." I was afraid she'd start bitchin at me if I had the galls to ruin her day by telling her I couldn't give her the coupon on one item. Like I make up the fucking rules grandma. Bitch. Then a woman called saying (Lelia) forgot to give her 15.61 in change. Damn.) Alex said she got the money later and I said how did you know she didn't get her change? Alex looked up at me, just with her eyes, and in that fucking condescending tone said "Because the register came up exactly* Fifteen dollars and Sixty One cents over." "Ohh ok, nevermind." I said humorously like I was the dumb one. "I didn't know you had counted down the register." Fuck. I just didn't know you did a draw audit yet, don't talk to me like I've had a fucking lobotomy bitch. Christ. I never give the response I want to. I'm sick of people walking all over me. FUCKing sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!

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March 26th, 2006

Subject: well.. Time: 11:51 pm

Spring Break is over. It wasn't relaxing or fun or anything. Just a week off for me to sleep in and do nothing and think a lot. I did go to North Hampton with Dad, Kate & Anjee and tried to be a normal, fun person. My stomach is getting bigger everyday. And I've almost given up trying to dress myself to hide my bad points. I've been working on trying to get a normal sleep schedule going. I took PM's maybe half an hour ago. It's complicated cause I have to take it late cause I'm used to going to bed late & I don't want it to wear off. But I want to go to sleep earlier, but more importantly I need to stay* asleep or else I'll wake up at 10 rested, but still tired (?) and stay up until 2 am then force myself to bed. whatever. Sherri said I seem so much more comfortable around the customers when I worked 11-7 (wow) on Saturday. I suppose I was, but after a few busy hours with people you get comfortable doing anything. I didn't stop ringing for hours. I am doing better with charges. I'm buying clothes more frequently, not like it will fill in a void. I am not a pretty girl. I'm an empty, fargone one who could never have a normal boyfriend or relationship., Despite mom's ranting to various young men around Manchester. Oh boy. If they knew what they were getting into. In the evening I was with Dee and the retarted/crazy man who called came in with a sock-stuffed bra and Dee was petrified of him, understandably. That's not normal. I am in the last level of SuperMario World Craig got me. I'm starting to understand his nostalgia. I like the music in SuperMario 2 much better though. It's classic. I'm at Bowser's "Front Door" and have lost ambition to beat this level cause there are 8 doors so far, and it's a maze and impossible to beat, they don't give you any mushrooms. I'll have to get another game. A project for me, like Max's occasional bones. Something to distract me and little goal to work towards at night when I'm the only one awake, like now.

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March 8th, 2006

Time: 11:42 pm

I am genuinely pleased to have a light, modestly sized chest. I feel blessed. It suits me in a number of ways. Firstly, anything larger than what I have now would disfigure me. I am short, petite, and slender (for the most part :|) Secondly, I like dressing alternatively. I often like to conceal that fact that I have boobs sometimes. (And guess what, I still* get hit on. GASP! Impossible!) I want to look like a person*, not a giirrl. Besides, I can put the focus on my waist, or my butt if I want to. I love feeling light and airy and free of male gawking, sexual harrassment and having to put back tops cause they just won't hang right. I have realized that throughout my life, I (and others) have perceived girls who are top heavy but otherwise slim, as being fat. Their chest makes them look heavy, or heavier than they are, and that's a shame. Plus, as everyone knows, it's all anybody* can look at. Woman, man, boy or girl. I'm so thankful I don't have these unsightly cow tits to carry around for the rest of my life. I actually think it's unfair (among many other aspects of being female) to have to haul around these lumps of tissue and fat, all so we can breastfeed a baby one day, that is if we choose to breastfeed, or if we even HAVE a child! Meanwhile, the straps are leaving their marks on our shoulders, we can't find the perfect size, it's cold outside and it shows*, pre-pubescent girls are going crazy with impatience, they hurt every month when Aunt Flo comes to town, old-lady sagging jokes circulate on the net between young people, implants get infected, and we can't even run, jump, or bend over without the fact of our cursed anatomy obnoxiously obvious in everyone's face. I'm not even going to begin discussing what it must be like for a very overweight woman hauling jumbo melons around. I could go on and on. I know, I know, who can I blame, God? Yeah, actually I do. Although my anger has no reasonable place to ventilate, I realize you just have stick a lot of things out that can't be changed. But fuck that, I'm still pissed and I stand by my beliefs. Another lovely quality of females, at least in this culture, is the weapon of subtelty. It's not loud, messy and visible like a gunshot. It's not explosive and pervasive like a bomb. It's like someone slipping a needle into your vein and no one but the injector is aware of your pain. It stings. It's silent. and concealed. I have the pleasure of working with all women at my job. To use cliche, backstabbing, gossipy, catty bitchy women. Not all of them. But some. But lets analyze what makes that quality so maddening. You do your job. You say what is required of you. Ang says "How you doin'?" "I'm fine thanks." The words come out like they're supposed to but the meaning is totally absent. That's not what matters though. She said it. She's off the hook. But you are left with this unpleasant feeling settling itself inside you: Is she mad at me? Why? Is she having a bad day? What's wrong? Am I too paranoid? I'm just paranoid. Does she want me to think I'm just paranoid. Oh just stop it..........................IS SHE MAD AT ME???! The beauty of a punch or a scream is that it's concrete. She hit me. Here's the mark. He screamed at me. You heard it. Versus--- She's speaking strangely to me today like she has a grudge against me or something. The way*** someone said it, or the tone**, or the feeling* you got from it, or the vibe** are all, intangible, non-concrete, good-luck-arguing-your-point factors. They are just as strong, if not stronger than the easily described, unable to be manipulated, clear and punishable ways of being hurt, but yet there's little or nothing we can do about it. I think about weird things no one else does. Like how fascinating it is to think that as Beethoven was composing his 5th Symphony; do you think he would have believed that decades later, what came from his own mind would be manifested in the form of a mocking, technological ringtone, on something called a "cell"? Think of all the crazy stuff that can spawn from things we don't even think about. My future babies will think of me when I was a teenager and want to revisit the past, which I am living now, except as the present. What are currently my ovaries, will become complex individuals with half my DNA wanting to see me in person at this moment, typing at the computer. What's spilled out into a maxipad every month could be my son! (fused with sperm ofcourse) What is soon to exist as a sophisticated, mesh of soul with specific destiny, unique brain, and developed body is no more than a microscopic speck in my organs, waiting for the sperm of my "soulmate" to help develop a human being. Call me crazy, but this is the reality of it. Kinda makes you wanna think twice about having a baby.

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January 20th, 2006

Current Music: Switchfoot- When I look at the stars Time: 10:38 pm

Fashion Bug got that song stuck in my head. I worked 10-5 today (pant pant) I was pleased to find out that everyone thought that was a long shift, it's not just low-endurance me. Once every few weeks I'll get a 7 hour shift and it's:Wow, thats a long day. But the majority of America works the Nine-Fiver. How do they do it? Unless they have desk jobs.. I started school Thursday the 19th, and just leave it to me, and my fate, to screw up something so simple, and encounter such sudden, profound, limitless complication over nothing. I don't ever remember starting school in the middle of the week before, so I followed my Monday/Wednesday schedule by mistake. I was in the right rooms, and the right times, just the wrong day*! My first class didn't have my name on the roster. My second class turned out to be Intro to College Reading/Writing, and it was "supposed" to be Modern China. I was utterly confused. So I found out what class I was supposed to be after I remembered what day of the friggin week I was in, and went there. Nobody's there! Go figure. I have the right room, the right time, ~AND~ the right day! What a novelty! But ironically, now that I have all the three things necessary to attend a class, there's no class going on... I figure several things. 1) Thursday is the LAB for Biology, and maybe the teacher wanted to start Tuesday with a regular class day, instead of a Lab first. 2) The class could have been on a break, since it is a three-hour long class, on Lab days that is.. However, I didn't see any backpacks in the room.. 3) They held class in the regular room, which would be the regular Bio class, not the Lab. 4) The students were let out early, since you can only introduce a class for so long.. On the other hand, the teacher could have started material right away like my Algebra teacher did. Whew.. So those are my assumptions. I tried to email my teacher and explain all of this, but the intstructor's name on my schedule was different from the one in the catalog, so I didn't know who to email.. God. WHY must life be so difficult for me??? I took Moniques shift tomorrow 9:30-4, and really wish she hadn't asked me to do it. I worked 7 hours today and my legs felt like breaking when I got home. Tomorrow is a 6 1/2 hour day. I can't wait. I was gonna buy my schoolbooks tomorrow too, since my math homework is due tuesday. I need the book to do it. Mrs. Devlin goes way fast. I feel behind already. Discouraging. But I need the right attitude. I hope this semester isn't too miserable. That's all I'm shooting for; is a slack off of misery.

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January 11th, 2006

Time: 03:04 pm

I got into an accident today with an old Chinese man who didn't speak English. He was a delivery man from Ming Lao or something, kitchen. I didn't expect this at all. Reading my old entries, I realize that you really don't apprecitate how easy life is until something bad happens. I shouldn't be annoyed at having to work. I should be thankful I can just go to work in a safe undamaged car without the worry of insurance and police reports and talking to dad about it and paying huge amounts of money for repairs. I don't know whats gonna happen at this point. I registed online at MCC for Spring 2006. I'm talking Intro to Computers, (gee that should be difficult) Intro to Biology, Modern China, and Algebra. Wow only 8 days until I go back to school. So soon.

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January 8th, 2006

Current Music: The Like- June Gloom Time: 10:15 pm Current Mood: tired

I just got home from the Bug, tired and kinda pissed off (but laughing at the same time) at Max who loves to make it so difficult for me to get him inside. Of course I can't just come home after work and sit down. The dog needs to go out. I take him out so much he runs right to me when he has to pee, even if someone else is right there holding his leash. I need a break from that. Turns out I only had to work from 2:50-9:50, and I got a half hour break. I ate my "dinner" in the freezing cold car to spare some eating time and spilled Sprite in my lap. My legs hurt from standing on them all day. Tomorrow I'll finally get to register for this semester. I work 4-9:30 tomm, and I can't forget to pick up Monique at 3:50 cause she needs a ride! Katie and I are going to watch some TV before she goes to bed while I violate the food group yet again today.

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Time: 02:13 am Current Mood: calm

today katie and I watched 10 Things I Hate About You, with bulbous nosed, jowly faced Larisa Oleynik, and oh so enviable and cool Julia Stiles. And Heath Ledger, and Joseph Gordon Levitt, who is so sweet. My movie was Love Stinks, and wow does the title speak for the movie itself. I just wanted to see French Stewart out of his Harry shell, but he acted a lot like him throughout the movie. He cant get out of the squinting thing. I'm incredibly finnicky. For the past week I've wanted to watch nothing other than 3rd Rock and French Stewart, and now I have no desire to at all. I knew the fixation would fade out, but not die completely in one night. Maybe I've seen enough of him. Tomorrow I work 2-12 for inventory at the Bug. I've had 3 shifts off this week. One cause of the snow, and 2 cause the store was dead and they didn't need me. I got luucky**. Each time they called I figured it would be to ask if I could come in early. Not that I spent it doing anything fun or productive (except talking to an academic advisor, Finally, about transferring, and selling my books back.) Oh yeah and Gabriel and Jacob and Elijah came over today with Matt. Gabriel is a good baby, and he smells like milk.

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January 7th, 2006

Time: 01:32 am Current Mood: french me french

I'm now hooked on 3rd Rock and Harry Solomon. My classes Im hoping to get into are: Algebra (I just can't wait) Intro to Biology Far Eastern Civilization (cool) Intro to Computers All for ECSU/CCSU credits of course. It's not for fun anymore..

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January 2nd, 2006

Time: 11:57 pm Current Mood: bad

I have a headache, a recurring one. I don't know why. I thought it was cause I was reading my book, or my glasses, or watching TV, but I just have one all the time. Too much concentration? I couldnt be more confused and lost about me. Well I am certain of some things, but not of how to express it or explain it. Today I saw Memoirs of a Geisha, it was good I suppose but I'm so critical of the typicalness in films, and the CHC appeal. Speilberg produced it. I've been watching my 3rd Rock dvd's lately. I'm not eating good meals, I sleep too much and don't exercise except for when I'm working I walk around a lot. No matter what I do my breath smells. Lately I've been getting so oily and sweaty so much faster than I used to, I feel like I need a shower every other day. My hair has become the hair of normal people who wash it all the time. Dry and not shiny, and overbrushed. Thats the beauty of being different. When I Do wash my hair, it looks so much better, it's almost reflective and so healthy looking. I have to register for school and think about Eastern and having my own life and all that depressing stuff. No matter what I do I feel worthless, and I've given up a lot of hopes. Of doing something creative and satisfying, now I just want to get by on others approval, cause to please myself would be too much work. I'm not sure what kind of person I am. I got a "friend request" from myspace. A 35 year old named Christopher. Go figure. I felt like there must of been a mistake cause there's next to nothing in my profile. He probably took a look and thought I was a quiet smart girl and all that bullshit people assume from glancing at me. His profile rambled about how his ideal woman would know all the answers to jeporday (I dont even know how to spell* that) and love independent films and the more degrees after her name the better. What horse shit. I hate all the qualifications people make for others. People either think I'm artsy hippie or a Starbucks-toting nerd. I'm niether!! I am not definable and I refuse to be. I don't know what I want "my man" to be. I don't have a checklist, anyone who makes me feel a way I like to feel, someone I trust and like back. Someone who doesnt make me feel like I have to hold back. so there

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December 29th, 2005

Time: 11:04 pm Current Mood: not quite happy

Right now I am itching for something productive to do with my life. I'm out of school, with a failed grade in a class I put a lot into, I smashed my Christmas present from Dave (the neon palmtree lamp he got me) and haven't told mom. I'm sure it's unsalvage-able but I've saved the major pieces in hope of glueing it together again with Craig's help but I'll probably end up having to pitch it. I've been eating all junk lately, and no solid three meals a day. I'm not working that much, but enough to bring me down every other day. I haven't registered for the next semester and I don't what I'm going to pick for my classes seeing as how I transfer to Eastern, that is if they accept me, which I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't, cause my GPA is a whopping 2.33, and I was in the bottom half of my class in high school. I want to move onto a new job cause I'm so sick of Fashion Bug and the people, but it pays well. And I haven't been doing anything lately. My room's a wreck, I'm owed money but don't know how to bring it up. I feel like life is a mess, and I'm in a rut blaaaaahhh I always get ambitious and in a planning, energetic mode at night, when it's time for me to sleep, but during the day, when it's time to get all those things done, I'm too tired and don't feel like. Im pathetic Im just gonna get off my ass and DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!

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December 28th, 2005

Time: 12:05 am

Hate coffee, hate tea, hate booze I can not* acquire a taste to these too-common things, the staples of life. The things that make you adult, mature, sophisticated. Its maddening. However, in my defense, though frustratingly I stand alone*: Coffee has a bad smell and an even worse taste. But I can't reject it and keep my pride, or act like I'm above it. "Coffee? Ugh, no. I'M having JUICEY JUICE.." ? There's nothing I can say against it, cause it's not an illegal drug, and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody fucking* drinks coffee. Tea, no matter what exotic flavor it is, or what you put in it, always* tastes like drinking pure hot water to me, which is nasty. It tastes like hot nothing. And green tea, which one girl I knew actually loved, and is supposed to be such a miracle health drink, tastes like DIRT POURED IN HOT WATER. IT'S THAT BAD, without exageration. Sure I'd like to live long, but not if it means I have to stomach sewage water and try not to ralph up my spline three times a day. Dont fuckin think so. I took a sip of beer, and it was so god-awful I got a stomach-ache before it got a chance to reach my stomach. My mom said she likes the taste of beer. How can someone get used to something so terrible? AND WHY FORCE YOURSELF???? You don't see me licking the toilet seat and saying, after the first couple of gags, it's not so bad! Everyone's doing it!! I only drink juice and milk. My grandmother said "I love a good cigarette" (she used to smoke) How can you? The very smell of an ashtray is enough to make me puke. The burning in your throat, and the stink it leaves on you, and the putred tobacco taste. I have "smoked" cigarettes before, but they were cloves and actually tasted good. And I didn't even inhale. I just wanted the flavor, and of course** to look and feel cool. But mixed in with the nice flavor would be the raw smoke/tobacco taste which was disgusting, truly. One time I tried to blow the smoke out the window but the wind blew it right back in my eye and it burned. That was kinda funny though. Towards the end of the cigarette it get's gross, as Craig even said, and he has inhaled. So you throw it away after a few puffs of non-inhalence so you can get the taste of honey on your tongue, for 6 bucks a pack?? Mmmmm, don't think so.

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