Jayne L. ([info]serrico) wrote,
@ 2006-01-12 03:00:00
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Current mood: pensive

As promised...Firefly fic.
You may have seen the first scene of this story before; it appeared in this LJ about a week ago as snippet-fic for [info]slodwick.

The AU premise of that snippet has since eaten my brain. And now it's a gorram story.

Qin Ge: It should have been River.


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[info]slodwick
2006-01-12 12:39 pm UTC (link)
GORGEOUS.

God, it was just spot-on brilliant, and I LOVE the concept so much, and oh, the epilogue! *ache*

So well done, doll! :)

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:23 am UTC (link)
I wrote that snippet, and I pictured poor Simon all wasted and damaged, and it just *haunted* me. I am thrilled that you like it, but seriously, you do get credit for that prompt. Thank *you*!

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[info]dementedsiren
2006-01-12 02:59 pm UTC (link)
This is fabulous. Loved it, and will rec shortly.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:24 am UTC (link)
Thank you! And thank you for the rec. *blush*

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[info]akamarykate
2006-01-12 04:30 pm UTC (link)
Can I just say it again? Lordy, I loved this.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:24 am UTC (link)
Well, if you *insist*. ;) Thanks!

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[info]geekturnedvamp
2006-01-12 07:06 pm UTC (link)
What a great premise! I am glad that it ate your brain (in, you know, the story-producing rather than the zombie way *g*).

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:27 am UTC (link)
I *still* can't believe I haven't seen this premise done already. (And...well, the story-producing eating-of-brains *can* lead to zombies... *g*)

Thank you!

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[info]moonlash_cc
2006-01-12 07:07 pm UTC (link)
Oh, WOW. This was brilliant - the moments you've selected, the sane (!) River's observations and interactions with the crew, and the epilogue that puts everything into place because we see the beginning which brings us strangely back to Simon we know from the show. Plus, your writing is always that perfect flavor of bittersweet.

Thank you for this fic.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:30 am UTC (link)
Once I started writing it, it just kind of...kept going 'til the end; it really was very much like poor, ravaged Simon set up camp in my head. (Which, at least, gave me something pretty to look at. *g*) I like the creep/angst; I am quite pleased it worked for you, too. :) Thank you!

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[info]out_there
2006-01-12 10:35 pm UTC (link)
Oh, wow. That was incredible on so many levels. The characterisation was perfect, the AU was completely explained/justified/supported, and I found myself holding my breath through a lot of it. This was awesome.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-13 05:33 am UTC (link)
*blush* Once I wrote the first scene, everything else just fell into place; the AU really did eat my brain, so I'm *quite* pleased that it worked outside my head, too. :) Thank you!

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[info]irittdsqrl
2006-01-13 06:37 am UTC (link)
Fabulous! FF stuff should eat your brain more often. :)

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[info]serrico
2006-01-14 06:39 am UTC (link)
Hee! It does happen on occasion; I blame Joss. Because...he's Joss. *g*

Thank you!

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[info]oxoniensis
2006-01-13 08:20 am UTC (link)
That was amazing. I could see the characters we know so clearly even in the altered versions. And the epilogue - I just know Simon would have done that if he could.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-14 06:42 am UTC (link)
I love Simon. I loved imagining him all broken, but the *why* of it...that, more than anything else, was why I turned the snippet into a story. Because he *does* love River *that much*.

Thank you! :)

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[info]wemblee
2006-01-13 08:40 am UTC (link)
Wow. Well done. Thank you.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-14 06:45 am UTC (link)
Thank *you* for reading! I'm glad you liked it.

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[info]in_the_bottle
2006-01-13 10:16 am UTC (link)
Wow. So not surprised that Simon would just hand himself over without hesitation. And... WASH!!! How could you!!! *sobs*

On the Chinese, what is the title suppose to mean? The closest I can think of is 'Dear Brother' and if that's the case, it's supposed to be ge-ge, like in mei-mei. Don't mind me when I go into a Chinese beta... Feel free to ignore it if I'm going too far with this. :)

"Jun cheng jiao": Merely "cheng jiao" would do in this case.

"Zhou ma yao wu!": Can't really figure out what you want to say here without knowing the proper intonations. Something Monster? If that's the case, 'yao wu' is definitely *not* the term you want to use. While it does means monster, it's more in the mytical context instead of a cuss/expression of disgust.

"Ji jing, you mei!": Not a clue as to what this might be.

"Bu yao zhao ji, mei-mei.": While this sentence is technically correct, what it actually says is "Be patient, little sister." I *think* (from the context of the rest of the scene) you want "Don't worry, little sister." If that's the case, it should be "Bu yong dan xin, mei-mei." ak No need to worry, little sister.

Love the fic. A very interesting premise that could have so easily happened. But still, WASH!!! *sobs*

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[info]serrico
2006-01-14 06:58 am UTC (link)
And... WASH!!! How could you!!! *sobs*

Well, you know. It's not like I did it *first*, or anything. *g*

Ah, the Chinese. Every FF fic I've ever written and posted in public has, apparently, had bad Chinese in it. ;) The translation site I used was a href="http://www.mandarintools.com/worddict.html">this one</a>, because it let me simply input what I wanted to say and, presumably, get how to say it; I have *zero* first-hand knowledge of the language, so I just took what it gave me and hoped for the best. The title is supposed to be "dear older brother". "Zhou ma yao wu" is suppoed to be "damn monsters"; "ji jing, you mei" is supposed to be "quiet, younger sister". I did want "don't worry, little sister" for the last one you mentioned. If you're amenable to providing better translations, I could fix things up...

Thanks for reading! And I do apologise for the Wash thing, but...it was kinda necessary. *g*

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[info]in_the_bottle
2006-01-14 08:48 am UTC (link)
Well, you know. It's not like I did it *first*, or anything.

Curse Joss! Curse Joss!!

;)

*looks at Chinese*

Oh man, they gave you direct word for word translation that really doesn't work in those context! *giggles*

Ok, let's see...

Dear older brother "Qin ai de ge-ge", but really, that doesn't give the same punch as the title, and even though no one says 'Qin Ge', I guess you kinda can get away with it still. I don't wanna mess with that since it's your title to it. ;)

If you're amenable to providing better translations, I could fix things up...

Happy to help! :)

"Damn monsters" basically got translated to "cussing at the demons/monsters" *giggles like mad* OTOH, I can't think of a direct translation for it since Chinese swearing and English swearing are quite different. Something appropriate would be "Mei renxing de gou dongxi!" Which means "Bastards with no humanity" or a direct translation would be "Dog thing with no humanity" ;)

"Quiet, younger sister" would be "An jing, mei-mei". Mei-mei already means younger sister. Elder sister is 'jie-jie' so there is no need to put in younger in front of it in chinese. 'You' while meaning young, is most often used in the context of babies. Technically, there's no 'you mei', but if there is (sometimes people shorten things so "you xiao de mei mei" could be shorted to "you mei", it'll mean 'young sister who is still a baby/very young'.

Hope that helps! And if you need any more Chinese translation, feel free to ask. :D

*sigh* My poor poor Wash...

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[info]serrico
2006-01-15 04:06 am UTC (link)
You'd think, somehow, given the fabulous technology available to us these days, we could get free online text translators that translated things *properly*. But, apparently not. *sigh* Guess I'll have to rely upon the kindness of strangers a while longer. *g*

Thank you for the corrections! I'll fix everything before I update my site, and of course you'll get credit in the story notes. I do have one more little thing, though: is there a more formal way of calling someone "little sister" (or something approximating "little sister")? I wanted there to be a bit of personal distance between Mal and River, since she's not as close to him as she is to Simon; that's why I didn't have Mal call her "mei-mei" to begin with. Is that workable?

*sigh* My poor poor Wash...

I know! Every time I saw the movie, I left the theatre just *gutted*. Joss is a mean, *mean* old man.

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[info]in_the_bottle
2006-01-15 04:36 am UTC (link)
is there a more formal way of calling someone "little sister" (or something approximating "little sister")? I wanted there to be a bit of personal distance between Mal and River, since she's not as close to him as she is to Simon

Yeah, I get what you mean, and mei-mei is definitely a family connection or very close family like relation. The other term I can think of is "Xiao mei", which also translates directly as 'little sister' but the context is more like 'young lady', 'little girl' or 'young girl' (basically anything from 7 to 20YO young girls). Example, a young girl walks into a store and the store owner asks, 'Xiao mei, can I help you with anything?'. That sort of context, which I think is more appropriate here. It's not really formal, but rather a little more less familiar, if you get what I mean. The other thing about 'xiao mei' is that it can also be use with family as well. My mum sometimes calls my youngest sister 'xiao mei'. ;)

Joss is a mean, *mean* old man.

But we still love him.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-15 04:44 am UTC (link)
Ah, okay! That's what I was looking for. Thank you!

But we still love him.

Yes. Yes, we do. *g*

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[info]in_the_bottle
2006-01-15 05:37 am UTC (link)
You're very welcome. :)

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[info]elenabtvs
2006-01-14 04:38 am UTC (link)
Oooh, you killed Wash. Good work. What a wonderful premise, and how utterly plausible the epilogue is.

I am, however, very disappointed by the lack of description of Simon in the box. Naked and all.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-14 07:02 am UTC (link)
I didn't *mean* to kill Wash! It just...worked out that he should die the way Joss intended. *g*

It was the epilogue that made me write the rest. Because...Simon. *Guh.*

I do apologise for not describing naked-inna-box Simon. It makes me sad that I couldn't include it, but...well, it was just one of those things that had to take a hit for the flow of the story. Alas.

Thank you!

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[info]elenabtvs
2006-01-14 08:15 am UTC (link)
Simon would so do that. Gallant is the word to describe him. If the show had lasted longer I would have loved to have seen more exploration of what he had to give up.

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[info]celli
2006-01-14 08:20 pm UTC (link)
Whoa. That is fucking fantastic.

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[info]serrico
2006-01-15 04:10 am UTC (link)
Well, the voices in my head deprived me of precious, precious sleep for a whole *week*, so I was just hoping it wouldn't, you know, suck. *g*

Thank you! :)

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Qin Ge feedback
[info]blackcat333_99
2006-01-16 01:22 am UTC (link)
River closes her eyes and twists a corner of Simon's blanket between her fingers, weighing the appealing warmth of a friendly (if anxious) smile against her need to share the chill of her brother's private nightmares.

I'm a little confused about this sentence. Seems contradictory to weigh the warmth of a friendly smile *against* the need to "share" the chill... Were you trying to say against the need to keep his nightmares private?

River's connection to Serenity recognized and shared by the Captn - nice continuity.

The visit to Ariel:

sees his gaze darting from patient to patient in a frenzied version of clinical alertness; it's horrible, like watching a starving child trapped behind glass with a banquet being served on the other side....

He is utterly still, a rapt expression on his face as he stares straight up into the depths of his own brain.

This descriptions of Simon's reactions are heartbreaking and seem very true to character - even if he's been broken. *sniff*

Her impulse is simply to ask Simon; he always said that she was the genius in the family, and she always knew--without hubris--that he was right, but she could never make him understand that her aptitude for medicine didn't amount to half of his.

THANK YOU for nailing the fact that just because someone is a genius doesn't mean they know *everything*. River recognizing that Simon is, in fact, better than her *in his own field* is spot on - and rings true with the fact that in the series, despite her fear of doctors, procedures, etc... she still trusted Simon to be able to help her. I also like how it mirrors the helplessness CanonSimon felt to "fix" her, despite all his medical knowledge. And it also plays into the sense I get that River is a loyal, loving, supportive sister, but it is not her inherent nature to be a caretaker, thus making her task of being responsible to fix Simon that much more difficult for her. It fits with CanonRiver, who also is not by nature a caretaker. "[Simon] takes care me. [He's] always taken care of me." (BDM) She's so used to the reverse that it seems to be a struggle - genius or not - to fit this new role-reversal.

Simon is standing next to an equipment cart on which the contents of Dowses' kit are laid in even, orderly lines. He is composed, his clothes as neat as they ever get, his air one of detached clinical interest as he selects one syringe at a time and holds it up to the light to read its label. Beside him, on the operating table, Dowses lies flat on his back, his eyes closed. There's not a mark on him.

LOVE it. *How* much does this remind me of the Simon/Jayne convo from "Trash"? Let me count the ways... hee!

RE: the epilogue:

Simon met his gaze, level and unblinking. Behind his back, his knuckles were white. "And River?"

Doctor Mathias stared back, just as steady. "Her name will be removed from our list of candidates for the project."

Simon breathed. "Then I thank you for your welcome. I hope my participation will be sufficient for your needs."

This? Just so... Simon. Of course he would sacrifice himself for her. That's what he does.

"Try to get a good night's sleep; you'll have your first session with Doctor Dowses in the morning."

Nice symmetry with the "mad scientist" type being the one outdone by his own creation.

Just one more thing to say: MORE!!! Pretty please?

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Re: Qin Ge feedback
[info]serrico
2006-01-18 05:54 am UTC (link)
Seems contradictory to weigh the warmth of a friendly smile *against* the need to "share" the chill... Were you trying to say against the need to keep his nightmares private?

I was going for the notion that River was weighing the comfort of Kaylee's friendly company ("warmth") against River's need to stay with Simon and comfort *him* as much as she could through whatever he was experiencing ("chill"). I probably could've phrased it more clearly. *g*

This descriptions of Simon's reactions are heartbreaking and seem very true to character - even if he's been broken. *sniff*

Thanks! I knew Simon would have spent a while as a doctor before he signed himself over to Mathias; I thought it made sense that he should still feel a pull in that direction, even if he was no longer able to *act* on it. Plus, 'Ariel' showed that he felt that pull even when it was River's mental damage keeping him from his profession, so it seemed like a good thing to amp up for The Angst. *g*

And it also plays into the sense I get that River is a loyal, loving, supportive sister, but it is not her inherent nature to be a caretaker, thus making her task of being responsible to fix Simon that much more difficult for her.

*Yes.* That's my sense of River, as well: that she loves her brother and would do anything for him, just as he would for her--but she lacks his patience, which makes her less-suited to the practicalities of a caretaker's role. I kinda wish *I* had the patience to turn all the thinking I did for this AU into a continuing story, because what fascinates me *so much* are the differences between Simon and River as *people* and how those differences would influence how they took care of each other in this situation.

Of course he would sacrifice himself for her. That's what he does.

Of course. That was the easiest thing to figure out about this AU: why would Simon be the Alliance's lab rat instead of River? Because he traded himself to keep her safe. *LOVES HIM*

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'm glad you liked it. :)

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Re: Qin Ge feedback
[info]blackcat333_99
2006-01-19 12:46 am UTC (link)
I kinda wish *I* had the patience to turn all the thinking I did for this AU into a continuing story, because what fascinates me *so much* are the differences between Simon and River as *people* and how those differences would influence how they took care of each other in this situation.


Sooo... if I were to request some fill-in ficlets continuing in this AU, say for example:

-- "Safe" flashback scene: Simon trying to convince his parents something was wrong with River.

-- "War Stories" scene: River saving Kaylee and shooting Niska's 3 men.

-- "Trash" scene: Simon having his little talk with Jayne about betrayal.

-- Any morbid or creepifying scene with Simon sharing squicky medical factoids.

-- "Objects in Space" scene: The crew realizing that River was a little more than "intuitive" and not sure how they felt about it.

I'm just curious to see how you'd handle the inversion of the crew realizing that there's more to Broken Simon than meets the eye - and hell, River trying to learn more about the new Simon from the brother she used to know. As the actual canon made quite clear - just because Simon knew much more about River's condition/abilities than he had let on (until/unless forced to reveal), did not mean he knew everything about her, her damage or her abilities. So the flip side would also be an interesting exploration IMO.

*evil grin* Feel free to get hit by plot bunnies anytime.

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Re: Qin Ge feedback
[info]blackcat333_99
2006-01-20 12:42 am UTC (link)
Adding to above comment - can't belive I forgot: that scene from "Safe" where River has that moment of lucidity and tells Simon how much she does remember - and recognizes his sacrifice. That scene alone *made* that ep for me. The plot in and of itself was meh IMO, but the fact that it set up and allowed for that character-revealing scene between Simon and River... A+. Again, like the rest of my list... the flip side in your AU would be interesting to read.

Heck, any of the above scenes (or any others that strike your fancy - plenty to pick from)... written from one of the other character's POV would be fascinating too.

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[info]clannadlvr
2006-01-17 06:27 am UTC (link)
Oh my...

Jayne. Wow. You know, I haven't been on lj much in the past months and have missed chatting with you and reading your insightful posts. But damn if I didn't miss reading your stories a whole hell of a lot as well.

This is such an intriguing concept and so in character for Simon to make such a sacrifice for his sister. But what really got me about his was how you altered the evens of Firefly considering the reversal of their fortunes. Wonderfully thought out!

So glad I got to read this...will now be scampering off to read the rest of your Firefly fic!

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[info]serrico
2006-01-18 06:06 am UTC (link)
Hello, stranger! (You *have* been quiet for a while...)

Thank you for the lovely comments! I'd had this "what if..?" thought rolling around at the back of my mind for ages, but when I actually focused on it and *thought* about it, it was kind of freakish how quickly it all fell together. I liked sussing out all the little differences necessary for the AU; I'm quite happy that they worked for you!

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[info]joannindiw
2006-01-17 09:57 pm UTC (link)
... I used to be resolved not to read Firefly fic; that the show and the movie was more than sufficient in and of themselves.

.....


.....


Your fic has utterly ruined that resolution. ^_^

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[info]serrico
2006-01-18 06:09 am UTC (link)
Hee! Well, I'm pleased. It's just not a good day for me unless I've completely undermined somebody's resolve. *g*

Thank you!

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[info]skylark_cee
2006-01-18 03:39 pm UTC (link)
Wow, this is beautiful, really. The ending was so believably Simon it just broke my heart. Poor broken Simon and struggling River, it just makes want curl up in this AU and stay.

I have seen this concept done before (twice I think) but I couldn't tell you by who because you're the only one who's done it well. When ever I've read non-damaged River the author never seems to realize that she's a *person* first and a genius second. They make her too perfect, as though the abilities that the Alliance gave her would have been there anyway, even though she's just a very smart teenage girl who's never been outside the Core. She's Super!River: better at getting Simon out than he was at getting her, completely prepared to make her way on the Rim, able to always understand crazy!Simon, and an excellent doctor.

Your River is just a girl doing her best. She's not a doctor, she can't save Wash(poor Wash, poor Zoe) Also you made a Simon who was just as damaged as canonRiver, also a rarity. All of it is wonderful and the entire thing manages to mirror the Simon-River dynamic perfectly - love, strength, sacrifice, misunderstandings and all. Thanks so much for writing sorry if I babbled on, I just love it so much I could write an essay on all the things you got *right*...but I won't :)

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[info]serrico
2006-01-23 06:27 am UTC (link)
Poor broken Simon and struggling River, it just makes want curl up in this AU and stay.

Thank you! Actually, I've been stuck in this AU for *ages* now, which is strange for me: usually, once the story's written, it's *out of my head*, but this one...it's sticking. All the little changes and what-ifs...

If you remember any of the other stories you've read with this concept, *please* drop me a comment with info/links; I'm really interested in what others have done, and would love to read whatever's out there.

Your River is just a girl doing her best. *snippety* Also you made a Simon who was just as damaged as canonRiver

Well, the idea that made me want to write this AU was the picture in my mind's eye of poor, broken Simon standing in the middle of the infirmary playing with the syringes, so... *g* Seriously, though, I'm not the biggest fan of AUs in general; unless they comment on the canon universe in some meaningful way, I find it difficult to invest in them. So in writing this one, I tried to keep things grounded in what happened in canon--which was actually really easy since I do genuinely believe that River *wouldn't* be vastly superior to Simon in every way if she were sane, and Simon *would* be damaged in ways very like canonRiver. And the series would have unfolded pretty much the same way regardless of which Tam started out in the box. (With the notable exception of poor Wash's fate. *shakes fist at Joss*)

All of which is to say: thank you. *g* As you can probably tell, my brain's still somewhat consumed by this whole thing; I'm quite pleased to know it made for an entertaining story. Thanks!

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