I wish I could remember how old my old roommate's sister Coretta is.


The 40th Anniversary of Dr. King's assassination reminded me, but I was trying to tell my mother something about her, and the age was relevant, and so I've been wondering.


Also, I am re-saddened thinking about the assassination and the mountain top speech, and also (I know, this is ridiculous) re-saddened for (biblical) Moses, who also went to the mountain top and saw the promised land and never got to step foot in it.  The world is full of amazing people who are willing to work so hard for change, and never get to reap the rewards themselves, and I am sad that they don't get the reward, but also grateful that those people exist.  Clearly there is a strong evolutionary drive for self preservation, and also for selfishness, and I know there are also theories on why altruism might also be favored evolutionarily (or on how it is impossible for true altruism to exist) and I've been thinking about those things today.

I am not a carrier for anything (well, maybe for something, but nothing on the screen).  The only real concern is the way we didn't get the cystic fibrosis screen, because it wasn't covered by the insurance.  We haven't decided what to do about it.

B is a carrier for Canavan's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canavan_disease). ; He is supposed to alert his family members, so that they can get tested.  Since his brother is expecting his first baby in March, I think it might be a weird time to tell them.  His SIL is not from an Ashkenazi Jewish family, though, so there isn't really a need for them to be concerned.

Now we know.

Scheduling this visit has been such a hassle!  But, we're finally scheduled, and will be going in a week and a half.  Hopefully (probably) everything will be fine, but I'll let you guys know (I know, you are on the edge of your seats waiting, bated breath and all).

Anyway, I called the number I was given for the referral, and played phone tag for awhile.  Finally talked to the genetic counselor, who asked me in a very hesitant way, if I was a cancer patient.  I told her no.

Turns out I was given the wrong number, and she only does genetic counseling for cancer patients.  She gave me another number.

Played phone tag for awhile, getting more and more disheartened.  The place was called Pediatric something something, so I felt pretty sure that it was another wrong number.  Finally got in touch with the receptionist there, who was *utterly* confused by my request, and told me she was going to have to talk to the supervisor.  She also kept saying "prenatal" and I kept saying "well, it's actually a pre-conception visit" but it didn't seem to have any effect.  Anyway, she called me back, and told me in the most irritated tone of voice that they did, indeed, do the kind of screening/counseling that I'm looking for, but the supervisor wants to know if I have some kind of problem or health issue.  I said no, and she said in an even more annoyed tone of voice "well, I just don't understand why you want this then".  It was annoying, since she had pulled up my referral form (she told me earlier) which explained why, plus I had explained when I initially introduced myself.  But, whatever, I told her again, and she scheduled us, so progress has been made!

I'm getting a little stir crazy.  I didn't leave the house at all yesterday, and I only went around the corner this morning.  It has been *so* cold.  Our high temperatures have been negative degrees, and yesterday it was really windy on top of that (windchills in the negative 30s).  Today there wasn't so much wind, which is why I braved going outside.

Anyway...  it was kind of nice to be forced away from work.  I puttered about the house, did some laundry, etc.  But...  I'm definitely ready to get out of the house, do some work, etc., tomorrow (even though it is a University holiday, but I have to go in anyway).  Also, a friend of mine is having a hard time-- lots of extremely stressful/bad stuff all at once-- so I think I'll go shopping for some treats and send her a nice care package.

One of the lecture classes I teach has two lab sections associated with it.  There is an afternoon section, before the lecture, which I can't teach, so somebody else is covering it.  And then there is an evening session, which doesn't finish until 9:15 pm, that I am teaching.  And, of the 28 students currently signed up for the course, 20 are in my section.  Why?!  I would much rather have the labs split evenly, and if they have to go uneven, I would like them to go the other way, since I am already grading all of the lecture stuff for both sections.  I really don't understand why.  Plus, in the past, people have continued signing up for this class until the very day it started, which means...  it could get worse!  Luckily, the cap for each section is 24, so it could only get 4 worse, but what if it does, and it is 24 in my section, and 8 in the other?!  I hope it doesn't happen like that.

it has been sooooo cold here.  the weather caster stood under the headline "fun with negative numbers"-- our highs have been single digit, and our lows below zero.  now our highs are in the 20s, and it actually feels warm, despite being far below freezing. 

i'm feeling a little big overwhelmed with work-- i have a *lot* to do in order to be ready to teach animal bio, and at the same time, i'm trying to write some papers, and continue experiments.  even though i'll be busy in the spring with teaching and writing, it is going to be a lot slower than now, and i'm looking forward to it.

i'm getting callouses on my hands from rowing (using the urg at the gym) and B is very proud of me.  it's funny.  i've been doing 45 minutes on the elliptical, followed by 10-15 minutes on the urg, followed by the best part-- shower and sauna.  i've never been able to stick to an exercise routine before-- i just find it too boring-- but the books on tape make all the difference.  i look forward to going back to the gym so i can hear the next part!

So, I've been going to the gym pretty regularly...  now I can run/walk 5 and a half miles in 42 minutes.  I feel good about it-- I think I'm healthier, and also, because I use the elliptical, it isn't bad on my joints the way running regularly outside could be.  But I actually *gained* 2 pounds!  Or possibly more-- my weight fluctuates within a 5 or 10 pound range I think (I don't have a scale, so I don't know how quickly it changes) but I am now at my heaviest ever.

I know it is probably a gain in muscle mass, and I am still at a healthy range according to BMI, and I know I'm healthier, but it is still really irritating!  I mean, my goal is to be healthier, not lighter, but it would be nice to have both.

now we are talking about june to start TTC.  we still haven't made any decisions, which is really driving me crazy, because i want to start all the planning and figuring and time scheduling, etc.  but i also do not want to feel like i pushed the decision, or strong armed B, or anything like that.

anyway, june would allow me to defend my phd before starting TTC, which i will admit, does seem like a good idea.  i think that defense is going to be stressful.  also it will allow us to go on a spring/early summer back country trip.  i think B wants to try to summit a tall mountain (over 14K feet) so we could do that immediately after my defense, and then start trying for a baby.  i know that exercise while pregnant is a good idea, but i'm not sure summiting a mountain in a low-oxygen atmosphere with a heavy pack on really is.

the only problem with that plan really is that unless we conceive in the first few months, we will have to wait a couple of years (i think) because i really can't see myself starting a post doc, and then trying to get pregnant right away.

B's main concern, it turns out, is that our lives are going to be a little chaotic for the next few years.  i thought it was more about what he wanted to do before being a parent, but he says no.  so...  we'll see.  its true that we would have to move more than once before our baby was school aged, but i feel like if our relationship is secure and stable, and we put aside money to help support having a family (which we are doing now, though it is hard on grad student salaries, but should be easier when we are post docs)...  i don't know.  i do think kids thrive on routine, but i feel like a lot of routine (at least when kids are young) depends on the parents.  and i think we could provide a stable, loving, supportive environment despite whatever chaos comes.


by the way, it turns out we only have 6" of snow so far, but the precipitation goes on!

it is snowing and snowing.  they say we will end up with a foot, but they also say it will continue to snow all night and into the morning, which means we would have well over a foot, because i'd say it is already 9".

we had some errands to run today, and then i dropped B off at work, and drove home.

well, nearly home.

i took the highway, which was much more clear (though definitely nowhere near clear) and that was fine, and then the road that goes from the highway to our street (a little over a mile, i guess) was heaped with snow, but the car was okay.  then i turned onto our street, about 3 blocks from our house, and it was pretty bad, but okay...  except there is a hill.  the car got slower and slower and then, about 2/3 up the hill, it just couldn't climb any more.  i had already gone down to first gear (yes, i was only in second, but i thought it might help), tried reversing and then going into first, rocking, etc.  some stranger tried to help push me, and then he tried to drive while i pushed, and we just couldn't get up the hill.  so, i parked facing the wrong way on the road, and walked the 2 blocks home.  ugh.  B won't be home until way after dark, but we may have to go try to dig the car out and lay down something material or sawdust or something for traction, b/c i think we might get towed to make room for the plows if we don't move.

boo!

it is very pretty out, though, and i saw a number of people cross country skiing through the city!

So, I mentioned I've been working out...  I feel like I can tell the difference.  I think I'm able to work harder, for longer.  I haven't actually been running, but using the eliptical, and today I "ran" less-than-8-minute miles...  I ran for 4.25 miles.  I do take breaks for walking (I'd like to do the  10-and-1s that a lot of marathon training programs advocate [that is, 10 minutes of running, 1 minute of walking, repeat], but right now I'm doing 8 minutes of running, and 1 minute of walking).  I have absolutely no interest in running a marathon, though.  I think it is unhealthy.  My friend ran one this year; he ran for nearly 6 hours, and vomited several times.  No thanks!!  Besides the immediate damage, I just don't think that can be good for your joints.

Anyway, I'm really happy that I can see improvements so quickly, and I hope I continue to improve.  Haven't braved the scale yet; hopefully I'm dropping pounds while I get healthier, but the health is definitely my primary interest.

Though...  you wouldn't know from the way we only eat Thanksgiving leftovers!  I don't think anything is super bad, but I did use a lot of butter, and we just keep eating and eating those dishes.  'Tis the season, right?

nothing worked at work today.  i've been here for 9 hours, and have accomplished nothing!  also, i've been listening to a book on tape while i run/exercise, and i left it at home.  we are going to the gym tonight, but i don't know if i will be too bored to really work out!  b/c exercise is so boring without a little learnin' thrown in (the book is "the nine" by jeffrey toobin).

also, i just typed "throne" instead of "thrown".  earlier i typed "won" instead of "one".  i'm having some kind of crazy homonym day.

I've been working out.  I'm proud of myself; I hope I keep up with it.  B and I have been going over together, about 3 times a week for the past couple of weeks.  We don't spend any time together at the gym, but it really helps me to have someone to go with.  We make a plan, like "we'll go Tuesday at 6" and then b/c I planned with him, I actually stick to it.

Hooray for health!

My very good friend's sister, who I am also friends with, just announced that she is pregnant with her 3rd.  Interestingly, #1 and #3 were conceived without any difficulty, but #2 was many months of trying followed by lots of unpleasant fertility treatments.  He was finally conceived through IVF.  This baby, apparently, was conceived during their first cycle of TTC.  I'm really happy for her, and her whole family.

But...

seriously!  Too many babies and pregnancies!!  I feel like there is fertility in the air, and we are squandering it, or something.  I'm ready to start trying now, even though logically I know it is a bad idea.

Sigh...  everything in its time, right?

Flurries and cold weather!!  We've had a long Fall, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for winter yet.  And with just me in the bed, its cold!  The cats have been cuddly, but it's not the same.

I did a volunteer thing yesterday where I showed off brains to some community members who are taking a class at my university.  They mostly had questions about disorders experienced by people they knew, but a few general questions.  It was fun.

B left yesterday for his conference.  It was quite a fiasco-- his flight was at 7, so we got up at the crack of dawn to drive to the airport.  He was getting out of the car when I said something about his poster-- the thing he is going to the conference to present-- and he had forgotten it!  Even though I mentioned it when we first got up, but I think it was too early for his brain to work properly.  So, we drove home, and then back to the airport, and then he tried to get on his flight, but I told him I would wait, b/c I didn't think he would make it.  And, he didn't (I mean, the flight was still there, but they wouldn't let him check in, b/c it was supposed to take off in 20 minutes).  So, he got on another flight, a few hours later, and we had a nice breakfast together.

I know its corny, but I miss him!  Oh well.  I ended up falling asleep on the couch yesterday, and skipped a party I said I would go to.  Also, apparently when it is just me, I forget how to eat properly?  Yesterday I had coffee and pastry in the morning, and then nothing until I woke up in the evening, and had an Annie's enchilada meal.  Luckily I had that in the house (it is leftover from when I was teaching, and would be out of the house from 8am until 10:30 pm, and so couldn't make dinners all the time), because I just did not feel like cooking!  And, today I had a yogurt for lunch.  I'll have to see about making something real for dinner-- maybe I can make a big soup and then eat the leftovers for days, since I am totally unmotivated to cook just for myself.

Which is stupid, because I really like cooking (but I don't like cleaning up).

The yogurt, btw, was a Brown Cow peach yogurt-- apparently they sweeten with honey, because it tastes *deliciously* of honey and peaches.  I think I'll pick up some more of those!

So, the coop where I sometimes shop has started doing this thing where they report the % of your purchases that are locally grown or from local companies, which I think is really cool.

However, I was disappointed to find that it was only 35%!  I was actually very surprised, since I don't use very many pre-processed foods, and do most of our cooking myself.  I looked at the receipt, and there were a few things, like cereal, that are pre-processed, but it was mostly produce and bulk items (flour, dry beans, etc).  And I did get some produce that is clearly not local (bananas, grapefruits, mango) but not too much.  So, I guess that means I need to pay more attention to what I'm buying, b/c I always thought I was pretty good about getting locally grown, and surprisingly, I'm not!  I'd like to always be within the 40-70% range.

Hope everyone had a nice Halloween!  Mine was pretty good, except poor B didn't get home from work until 8, so he missed most of the kids (though they kept coming until 9, so he didn't miss all of them).  I guess we had over 60 kids come by.  For the most part they were super cute, though by the end of the evening, some of the older kids were not dressed up.  And, I had one very weird/uncomfortable group...

this is what happened.  I opened the door to a dad, and a little girl, about 8 years old.  They both had pillowcases, which is not that unusual (though I've never understood why the parents are trick-or-treating... sometimes they say its for another kid, but why doesn't that kid get to trick-or-treat?) so I held out the bowl of candy.  I usually tell the kids they can choose 2, but since I was holding it to the dad, I didn't say anything.  First of all, the guy *reaked* of alcohol, like enough that I wanted to back away from him.  Also, he grabbed a huge handful of candy, like somewhere between 5 and 10 pieces.  I kind of pulled the bowl back, because he was reaching for a second handful after that!  And he looked angrily at me, said "for her!" indicating his daughter, and then said something fast and angry at his little girl (in Spanish, so I don't know what).  She jumped, and then very timidly reached for the bowl.  Of course I smiled at her, and said go ahead, choose 2, and whatever else I normally do ("what a nice costume" or "happy halloween" or whatever) but she only took one and then they left.  I felt really bad for the girl, but I don't know if I should have said anything to the dad-- I mean I don't even know what I would have said. 

Oh well.  Other than that, the kids were extra adorable, and the parents behaved like parents.  I felt like the trick-or-treating started later than normal, but that might be because of the change to daylight savings (happening after halloween, instead of before).

I wonder if my opinions will change after I have kids.  I think sometimes people have so much love for their kids that it just spills over to other babes, and they want all babes to have it as good as their own kids.

Anyway, here's my opinion.

I feel like the most important thing is to have a happy mom (and dad, too) who interacts with baby in a loving/supportive way.  For me, I think the things that will keep me happy, and interacting in a loving way with my kids may well be AP stuff, like babywearing, extended breastfeeding, etc.  (although not too extended-- I am hoping my kids will self-wean somewhere after 2 but before 4...  I don't love the idea of breastfeeding my school aged kids...  who knows if that opinion will change or not, though).  But, I really believe that if some mom feels like the thing that will make her be able to love being a mom / be happy / interact with her kids (etc) is formula feeding... or *not* babywearing... or whatever, I think she should go ahead and do it.  And not have to fear judgment from other moms.  In fact, I think if a woman truly has carefully thought about what is the best/healthiest choice for her family, she should be celebrated, even if the choice is totally different from what I would have made.

I mean, I would hope that all mothers would try breastfeeding, but if some woman thinks she can bond better with her kid if she doesn't, well, she probably knows best.  (I do find it weird/extremely unfortunate when women choose not to breastfeed b/c it is "gross" or "animal-like" or whatever, so I guess I'm judging, too).  I watched two dear friends struggle with breastfeeding-- one of them ended up in the hospital after trying some herbs to keep up her milk supply when she couldn't BF and started pumping.  Both of them were told by the doctors that they were putting their own interests (e.g., breastfeeding) in front of the needs of the baby (e.g., to consume calories).  And, I just wonder if there wasn't such a self-righteous breast-is-best attitude from people they were interacting with, if they might have been more willing to accept bottle feeding earlier.  They both felt so awful/guilty over it, and it was so very sad to watch them.  And my one friend felt almost fearful every time she pulled out a bottle, b/c people would give her dirty looks or even sometimes make comments.  I dunno, because obviously breast milk is best, but I wonder if there isn't a way to get that across without making the moms who can't do it feel so awful.

Anyway, it seems (and maybe my ideas are skewed from living with my sister as a baby, who was, according the the hospital nursery workers, *extremely* difficult from the start) that parenting is really a very tough job, and anyone who does it carefully and lovingly should not have to suffer judgment.  I'm sure that there are just as judgy mainstream parenters, but I have more experience with the judgy AP folks, so that's what motivated the original comment, even though I actually plan to be an attachment-parenter.

My mother, stepfather, and sister (well, technically half-sister) recently moved from a big house with enough property for a large garden to a small house with enough property for a small garden.  They have a lot of shade at the new house, anyway, so they have a garden but no veggie garden there.  My mom joined the community garden and has been working their plot there.  Its so nice; the community garden really is a community, so she is meeting lots of other crunchy granola types (my mom is kind of a crunchy granola type) and sharing organic veggies, etc.  But, the other day she was at the garden doing her service work (they have to put in 9 hours a month or something) which was working with some college students who were interested in community gardening, when she got a call from my stepfather that she had better come home.

(my sister is a *very* difficult child.  she is smart/funny/creative but she and my stepfather both have serious tempers and my sister has a rapid-cycling mood disorder and nonverbal learning disorder and can be hard to deal with sometimes)

He said that my sis was having a situation, things were getting worse, blahblahblah.

(my stepfather, by the way, is a very generous/kind/ethical person, but like i said, he has a terrible temper, and also he can't seem to deal with some things that you have to deal with in life, like when my sister gets whiney.  of course, his own parents were both physically and emotionally abusive, so even though he has his faults, he really does very well, and is thoughtful about parenting, etc)

Anyway, my mom started getting ready to leave, and she got two calls as she was coming home (the place is only a few blocks away, btw).  The last one was my stepfather saying he was locking himself in his room and not dealing with my sister, which I thought was awful, but I guess they have decided that it is best, b/c when he gets upset he often loses his temper and exacerbates the situation.  My sis is 12, so its not like he left a baby alone, and he did tell her my mom would be home any minute beforehand, but still.

Anyway, my poor mom got about 2 houses down from her house when she heard the most horrible screaming sounds coming from her house (how embarrassing!) and when she got inside, my sister was jumping up and down erratically and shrieking about how "dad won't listen to me; dad won't help me" etc.  So, my poor mom, who had no idea what the problem was, just put her arms around my sister and said to her "every problem has a solution; we'll figure it out" over and over and held her and right away my sister started to calm down, and within a couple of minutes was able to sit on the couch and talk to her about what happened (which is a very boring story about homework).  Also, my sister (once she was calm) right away said "oh no, the neighbors all heard me" to which my mother did not respond "unfortunately, yes" as I might have, but instead said truthfully "well, luckily the next door neighbors are away right now".

I don't know if this story really illustrates things properly, I don't know if you can tell just how great my mom is...  but, she has always been so calm, loving, and supportive (with all of us) and there have been a number of times with my sister where I thought that if I were my mother, I would just pull my hair out, or cry, but she is always able to just be calm even when things around her are crazy.

I think it is genetics (my stepfather's whole family struggles with anger issues), it might be the environment she was raised in, but my sister is way more difficult than any of us ever were.  I don't think my mom is any different, but obviously with a different father (plus, they are way more financially secure than we were growing up) she is being raised in a different environment.

I wish I could do more for them, and for my mom in particular.  I live so far away from them that there isn't much I can do, but I feel like my mom is stressed out a lot b/c she is always putting out fires, trying to smooth the path in front of both my sister and my stepfather, etc.  I'm hoping that I can live near them one day, although it won't be for several years.

You know, I like a lot of the ideas that come out of attachment parenting groups / advocates, but I find that AP folks are some of the judgiest ever!  I know they probably feel justified in that they are sure they are doing what is best for babies, but I just wish (some of them anyway) could calm down about it.

Also, I *hate* the way there are a few "experts" who people quote like their word is the word of God.  Some of them don't even have a Life Science / Biology background, yet they are giving advice about what is best for Baby's health, or why pediatricians don't know what they are talking about.  Puh-lease.  And I feel like there are certain things that are just... weird.  Like the fiery hatred of seeing babes in car seats.  Yes, I understand that using a baby wrap/sling keeps little one closer to you, and I think I'd like to do that, but I've gone out with friends plenty of times where Baby fell asleep on the car ride over, and rather than wake up the poor kid, we just picked up the car seat.  I don't understand why this equates Worst Parenting Ever.

Sigh.  I'm sure that will get worse if I do have a kid of my own.

I'm at work (of course) trying to figure out the methods for this new experiment.  It is very frustrating.  I'm thinking of quitting for the day and enjoying the sunshine.  I'll come back tomorrow more ready to work.