Rationale, rhyme and reason / Pale beside a single kiss...

4:59PM - Happy Birthday to Mari / merrymog!!

Hope you have a great day - hope it isn't too wet up there?!!

Have a birthday *HUG*

Current mood: congratulatory

6:33PM - Do you LARP? Or know anyone who does?

My dearest beloved is running a LARP weekend in October (19th-21st) - the weekend before Whitby!! :o)

If you are a LARPer, or you know people who are interested in partaking in said shennanigans please refer to www.wyvernstaleslarp.co.uk and have a look!!

Gideon would really like LOTS of people to come and play and also to monster/crew, so if you can - DO!! It should be a lot of fun, there's a bar and everything... :o)

Thank you for reading this public service announcement.

*subliminal message - do the LARP... do the LARP...*

Current mood: okay

2:02PM - Well, I've done it now...

I handed in my notice at work today...

They are all very sad to see me go *grin*

So, it appears to be official

I AM MOVING TO SOUTHAMPTON!!

Scared, but excited.


Just wanted to wish you all a happy Christmas as I have now finished work until January 2nd and probably won't have any internet access until then.

Have a great one, and best wishes to all for a very happy 2007!!!

Current mood: excited

9:26AM - Vampyres reading gay German porn...

I had a really cool evening last night.

Firstly I treated my dearest nadriel to a Birthday Dinner at Pizza Hut. We then assayed along to the Ben Crouch for LVG amusement.

At one point, one of the LVG members suddenly produced a stack of gay porn mags. These were passed around the table I was sitting at and various hilarity ensued... But as one mag hailed from our European cousins, the quote of the night goes to the birthday boy himself...

"No, I'm not going to translate your German gay porn..."

I sank several drinks, chatted to lots of lovely people and flirted more than a little... :o)

Much enjoyment.

And now it is Friday at last. We get the verdict from the Oftsed bods this afternoon, and apparently a few drinks and a spread are being laid on at 3pm for the post inspection wind-down. This may mean I can escape from work early today - huzzah!

I shall then attempt to relax and enjoy the weekend before the major league stress of next week.... EXAMS! Thousands of 'em!!

Have a good one everybody...

Current mood: cheerful

9:35AM - Scrat Rocks!!

I went to see Ice Age 2 last night. I adore the first one and was hoping that I would feel the same way about the new one. Thankfully, I did! I laughed and "awwwwwed" along all the way through. And although Diego is my favourite character, I have to say that in this movie Scrat has a much more prominent role - and he utterly rocks!!

I was at a gig on Monday (The Longcut). They were good, but I don't think I'd see them again. Plus I was so absolutely god damned exhausted by the time I got home that I couldn't get up in the morning and was 40 minutes late into work yesterday... *oops*

I'm at my parent's place tonight for home cooked food and parental care. So, out again.

Tomorrow is nadriel's birthday, so I am taking him out for some food and stuff before we head off to the Ben Crouch for the London Vampyre Group monthly meet-up. So, out AGAIN!

This means I will have been out every night this week! This is not something I do often, and fear that I may severely regret such activities by the weekend! Thankfully I do not have any major plans for the weekend, so I should be able to re-charge the batteries. Which is a neccessity really as the exams begin on Monday...... *eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!*

And we are being Ofsted inspected this week... not that I think it will in any great way affect me. I haven't even seen an inspector in the College yet! Still, if they do decide to talk to The Exams Dept, we have nothing to hide...

*sigh*

Right, on with some work!

Is it Friday yet?

Current mood: okay

2:50PM - Waiting for the other shoe...?

Work is nuts at the moment! January results are in, work is being created at an alarming rate, money is changing hands like mad, entries are pouring in and I am thoroughly pissed off! Certain exam boards appear to be utterly incompetant!

Last night was amusing... Had dinner with nadriel which is always a pleasure. We then forayed to the Dev for the London Vampire Meet-up Group get together. My first appearance there, but saw some familiar faces from the other Vamps groups. Had a bit of a chat and a few drinkies. Caught up with a guy I haven't seen since August and he was as lovely, witty, utterly charming (and really rather cute) as he ever was. Flirting was engaged in... and he gave me a lift home which was most civilised and very welcome.  I KNOW he's bad news, but I am still very drawn to him I have to admit.... I'm such a sucker for flattery .....

I also was chatted to by another chap who called me "a beautiful flower".... isn't that nice?

Am seeing Gary tonight..... I have no idea what to expect, but am mentally preparing myself to be told something I don't want to hear....

I have a speech prepared in my head however... to try to put his mind at rest so we can carry on seeing each other without him feeling pressured.

Wish me luck folks...

And I'm still trying to decide whether I should go to Gotham 7 on April 9th... I want to see three of the bands, but it's that whole going out on my own/self-confidence thing biting me in the ass again... 

Oh dear.

Current mood: aggravated

9:23AM

Lily mog most likely has diabetes.

The vet had a nightmare day yesterday and couldn't actually get all the tests done that he wanted to do, so I have to take her back in again on Monday - poor little love...

This fact probably means that I'm going to be getting my money's worth out of Petplan insurance from now on, as I suspect that treatment will not be easy or cheap for this... *sigh*

Busy day ahead of me again today. Roll on 4.45pm... I need a weekend.

Otherwise, still feeling generally quite low and insecure. I'm really craving some love and affection today - I just wanna be cuddled up and loved dammit.

Current mood: definite case of the blues

12:40PM - *worried*

*sigh*

I'm not doing very well today. I had to take my eldest moggy baby to the vet today for a day visit. She's having some tests done to see what is wrong with her waterworks and stuff. Maybe kidney failure, maybe diabetes... dunno. I know she's in good hands, and I'm sure she'll be OK - but I WORRY. They may have to sedate her, and she's 15 years old now and you just don't know how they'll react to these things... I'll be very on edge until I hear from them to say she's all alright and I can pick her up later tonight on my way home from work.

Work is a pain in the ass at the mo. Had two days of manic Key Skills tests on Tues/Weds and then today is the pre-release of the results from January, so lots of analysis and printing and stuff to do for anxious teachers...

And I sent my reply to Gary about the whole relationship thing. I suggested we view it more as a long distance relationship for now, rather than putting it "on hold". I put my case eloquently (I think) and it certainly took me long enough to write it! He replied briefly yesterday afternoon... it's hard to tell tone from an email of course, but I'm not sure that he's convinced... But I'm trying to rationalise and not panic too much because I know how much pressure he's under at the moment, and that he is still not feeling 100% either.

Anyway, all being well I'll be seeing him next Thursday evening, so I guess I'll just have to try to judge his reactions then, and see what will happen after that. He has had such an effect on me in the past few weeks - mentally/emotionally and physically! I don't want to lose that already!!

I'm going to keep my options open (you never know, I might get swept off my feet tomorrow by some nubile young man with a pot load of money and loads of time on his hands to devote to me, no emotional baggage, who is loving and affectionate, and sensational in bed.... Yeah, right. And there goes a herd of flying pigs overhead...), but I won't be looking for anyone else right now. Even only having him on an intermittent basis is better than having no-one at all... If that sounds sad and desperate, well that's just the way I am I guess.

I sometimes wish I could stop my emotions, just turn them off. My life would be so much easier if I could stop falling in love! Will I never learn?? But it would appear that I am just a hopeless romantic...

Or perhaps I'm just hopeless.

Current mood: anxious and troubled

11:09AM - Wow... sure got me nailed here I think...

the Romantic Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR. "I am unique" Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive. How to Get Along with Me Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me. Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself. Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision. Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little. Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting! What I Like About Being a Four my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level my ability to establish warm connections with people admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor being unique and being seen as unique by others having aesthetic sensibilities being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me What's Hard About Being a Four experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved feeling guilty when I disappoint people feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me expecting too much from myself and life fearing being abandoned obsessing over resentments longing for what I don't have Fours as Children Often have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s are very sensitive feel that they don't fit in believe they are missing something that other people have attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc. become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce) Fours as Parents help their children become who they really are support their children's creativity and originality are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings are sometimes overly critical or overly protective are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose BY Would you rather have chosen: AY (EIGHT) CY (SIX) BX (NINE) BZ (FIVE)

Current mood: surprised

9:55AM - A Lesson

I was sent this today... I like it.


"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of  Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. 
The woman came out of a man's rib. 
Not from his feet to be walked on. 
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. 
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."


Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know... and to men so they may learn the value of a woman.




I went to see The Editors gig last night at the Astoria - they were utterly fabulous.... 
However, as I didn't get home until 12.30 and into bed until 1.30 - I am an utter ZOMBIE today.... zzzzzzzzz

And, it's snowing. YUCK YUCK YUCK

Make it stop. Seriously. Now.

*please*

Current mood: exhausted

12:15PM - Happy Birthday

.... to shadowdruid

Hope you have a cool and groovy day and stuff.

:o)

12:17PM - Stolen/borrowed from gothic_nightmar

More useless, narcissistic gumph about ME....


Four Jobs I've Had

1. Sales Assistant in Woolworths
2. Administrator
3. Membership Secretary
4. Exams Officer

Four movies I can watch over and over

1. The Princess Bride
2. Shrek
3. Finding Nemo
4. The Lost Boys

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch

1. ER
2. 24
3. Nip/Tuck
4. Futurama

Four Places I've Been on Vacation

1. Whitby.
2. Edinburgh
3. Devon
4. Warwick

Four Favorite Dishes

1. Steak
2. Roast Chicken
3. A really good chinese - chicken and cashew nuts, or crispy duck pancakes
4. Lasagne

Four Websites I Visit Daily

1. Livejournal
2. Hotmail
3. First Direct (money paranoia!)
4. Whitby Goth Weekend Forum pages

Four Places I'd Rather Be

1. My Bed (preferably with a nice young man...)
2. Somewhere warm with calm crystal clear sea and soft sand
3. At home with the cats and a good book
4. The Seaside


Your turn? If you feel so inclined...

Current mood: Not too bad...

1:14PM

I hope that this weekend will be a little more interesting than most have been of late.

Tonight I'm going to visit my dearest nadriel for food and booze (?) and funky filmage. And the occasion of celebrating a whole year of knowing one another!! :o)

Saturday I am (allegedly) going to visit Other Chris to keep him company and listen to his various problems and try to offer some sagely advice to him... He got out of hospital on Wednesday night, after a weeks stay, during which they changed his diagnosis from kidney stone to urinary infection and accompanying chest infection...? [It does worry me that our dear doctors and nurses do not seem to know what they are doing with the patients!!!]

Being over visiting him though might mean I'll miss the Rugby! Oh NO!! Unless I can persuade him to let me watch it at his place...!!

Sunday will be designated Chores Day, and I've decided to take Monday off as it is Half Term and I need the rest! Things are hotting up a bit at work as we begin in earnest the task of getting ready for the Summer Exams..... *groan*  :o/

I have not heard anything from Gideon since last Friday. Hope he's doing OK. But I cannot/must not keep contacting him... although the temptation is very strong. He will contact me if/when he wants to I suppose (I hope). I guess I should really stop "picking at the scabs" as it were... or I'm never going to heal. But it is just so fucking hard, I can't believe I'm still so fucked up over this. Testament to the depth of my feelings for him I suppose.

Went to see Brokeback Mountain last night. It was terrific, I really thought it was an excellent film. Savage but gentle, brutal but tender. Although bearing in mind that (aside from the hype about it being "the gay cowboy movie") it is really just about two people who love one another but just can't be together - probably not the most sensible movie for me to be watching in my current frame of mind!!

Finally: My commiserations to savantfoxt with regards to the Seahawks losing the Superbowl.... but good luck with the potential new romance :o)

Current mood: drained

10:27AM - Ghoulish... but great!

I just got told about this site...

Knitting for psychos!

Mwahahahahahahahahahaha....

http://www.yumlum.com/galleries/knitwear/knitwear_art.htm

I don't actually LIKE all of them... but they are nevertheless, extremely clever!

Current mood: amused

1:33PM - And so it goes on...

Update time. Not that I've done a lot, as I don't feel like going out much.

Had Friday off. Took Pearl to the vet for her follow-up about her cough. She seems much better, but we have extra antibiotics to make sure it's all over. But it does seem to have been bronchitis rather than asthma though, which is good I guess. Pootled about and watched TV, then got ready to go see Bauhaus. I enjoyed it very much, although I've never been a huge fan. It is a shame to see Peter Murphy's very thinning hair though... a sign of the times I suppose. I'm discovering though that I like standing at gigs less and less. I get uncomfortable and slightly panicky when I start to feel I'm surrounded by people crushing in around me. And my back starts to ache after a while (Pete isn't the only one getting old apparently!) However, I saw several people who I know/am aquainted with which was nice. And I got complimented on how I looked *grin* And we sold the two spare tickets at face value too, which is cool.

Poor Other Chris is actually IN hospital now. Has been since Thursday night. Apparently he'll be released tomorrow, so I might go see him at the weekend if he's up to it. And as far as I'm aware, I'm going to see Mike on Friday night. So, maybe I'll actually do something other than sit around this weekend.

A text from Gideon arrived on Friday too. So I then phoned him - he's got a two week temp job, and an interview lined up for a customer services job paying 14K. I hope he gets it. He actually sounded much better, much more cheerful and focused and positive. Just like the Gideon I fell in love with to be honest. I guess that this is a good sign! I truly hope that he continues in such a vein, and then maybe...?? Some small flicker of hope?? But hearing him all happy and bubbly just seemed to make me miss him more - too vivid the remembrances of how fantastic he is when he IS on good form.

Have bought some books and CD's and DVDs this week from dear Play.com. What lovely cheap goods they purvey... :o)

And I finally got an Oyster card for my travellings. Welcome to the New Age of London Transport...

Work is busy again. Beginning to get the exam entries in for the Summer session *sigh*. Thus, it is NOT a good time for our database to be acting up. It is currently going at a snails pace. I guess that the hamsters that run the wheels to make it work must be tired again...

Ok, well. That's it then. The sad little life of a sad little Clare... Lunch time.

Current mood: lonely

9:48AM - The static in my head...

... has reached the point of being totally overwhelming.

I spoke to Gideon last night and I can honestly say that I am truly scared for him. And for me to be honest.

Life is just too horrid, too painful and too complicated for me right now. It's not just Gideon (although of course that is the main agony), but a whole bunch of other stuff too.

I don't think I can cope anymore.

Current mood: overwhelmed and ill

12:53PM - *whimper*

Got a text from Gideon last night saying he owes me an apology and an explanation. Got the apology, explanation was too long to text. But apparently it would appear that he is an absolute wreck, and I need to talk to him to get the details. He said he'd call me tonight, but I'm at my parents for dinner, so that's no good. Said I'd call him tonight if I'm in at a reasonable time, otherwise it will have to be Wednesday night. But now I'm going frantic worrying what has happened to him now... He did mention something which has alarmed me very greatly, but which I won't go into now. I need the facts first.

All indications (and several people) point to the fact that I should really just run away at this point, leaving him to sort out his own messes and thus save myself from further anguish here - but I can't. For one thing, I love him. For another, quite aside from my emotional attachment, he's my friend, and I do not desert my friends when they are in need. (I think that I may be a candidate for replacing Saint Jude...)

In other news: Poor "other Chris" had two trips to the A&E dept of his local hospital at the weekend. The first trip was an utter waste of time (and I think he ought to make a complaint!) but the second trip in the early hours of Sunday brought the diagnosis that he has/had/passed? a kidney stone! No wonder he's in so much pain!! Good grief!! What are these doctors like that they could miss it on the first trip in to A&E?? Anyhow, he's back at home and feeling a little better, but very sore and and really rather sorry for himself. If I am not doing something Gideon related at the weekend, I'll go and visit him. He needs the company - and god knows so do I to be honest...

Work is being an utter pig today... I'm trying to get data ready so that we can make exam entries for the summer session. But it is not going well... *cue sound of hair tearing, teeth gnashing and various expletives*

Plus I have to do an hour and a halfs invigilation this afternoon... *yawn*   But at least it is the final exam of this season!! Yay!!

I have decided to take Friday off work. I need a break, I need to take one of my kitties to the vet again, I need to start getting some other housey-type stuff sorted - and I need to take my time getting ready for Bauhaus!

Summary: Clare is not good. Clare is ready to seek the duvet-over-head sanctuary. Clare really, really just wants to curl up and cry. How do I end up in these situations?

And, in direct and blatant copyage from nadriel :  Why do people put up with me? Why am I putting up with me?

Current mood: really shitty

3:59PM - A bunch of nothingness

I feel like the weekend didn't happen really. Nothing to report.

No Gideon. No word from Gideon.

"Other Chris" was very poorly indeed and was in fact texting me at 6.10am on Sunday to say that he was waiting for the ambulance to take him to hospital!! Yikes!! Have since heard from him that he's back at home, having had two trips to the hospital. Just now feeling very sorry for himself. I'll phone him tonight to get the low-down on what happened/what is actually wrong with him etc. And I suspect I may well end up going over to see him at some point as well. I do worry about him though...

Other than that, just housework and TV and books and knitting marked the passing of the hours. Although I did manage to go through my clothes and accessories and pull out a dustbin bag full of stuff to go to charity shops... go me.

Have come to the conclusion that my old TV and stereo will have to go to the dump. Now I have to find someone with a car who is willing to do said trip *sigh*

I seem to be regressing in my feelings and emotions towards Gideon. I was getting a bit better I thought, but now I feel as low as I ever did. I'm unsure why this is. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY and I WANT HIM BACK. But I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record... people will eventually just stop listening to me I suppose. Then I'll have no one. And I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I'm well aware that many people (my friends included) have a way worse time in their lives than I do, and have far more serious troubles than mine. I sometimes worry that I'm being very selfish and that I should just keep my agonies to myself. I'm well aware of the fact that all I seem to do these days is weep and wail. But I just feel so broken and lonely and miserable right now. I hurt.

I'm so tired of coping, so tired of being the one who looks after other people. I just really need someone who can look after me for a change.

Current mood: lonely

2:39PM

"If I only cause you rain

I'll give you my skin

so you can feel how I feel.

This is my existence."

"I'll stand below you, free you from blame

and then I'll continue, living my life in vain."

That ladies and gents, is how I feel today.

Current mood: indescribable

3:44PM

The exams last week went very well... *phew!!* 

I was worried, but it was all good and I am suitably suprised at how well it all went - but GO ME for apparently organising everything so well... :o) We had one near disaster on Friday night. The last exams were packed up and brought over to me to lock up for the weekend, when I was informed that one script was missing!! *cue sound of hair tearing and gnashing of teeth* Not at all what I wanted to find out and have hanging over me all weekend. Thankfully, I got a call from my boss at about 7pm to say the boy had walked off with his script (!!!!!???) and had brought it back later.... urghhhhhhhh. So, no lost script, just a stupid student who will now be marked as absent because we can't now submit  the script in case he amended it whilst he was off swanning around with it..... Honestly... what are these kids like??

So it was off to my very first trip to B-Movie on Friday. Accompanied by the very lovely cookwitch and itsjustaname I braved Kings Cross. Where I met lots of other folk from LJ, and saw several people who I had only ever seen at Whitby before, so that was just dandy. Music was cool (thanks Sexbat) and as a venue I like the Water Rats. Cute little place, and I suspect I will be found there again at some point in the future.

Saturday I was just in a daze due to lack of sleep (late night, coupled with sleeping on my sofa in order to avoid the "cough from Hell" that was issuing from my ex). I was so tired that by later on in the day I was barely coherent... so early night then. Sunday I managed to get all my chores done that I couldn't manage on Saturday and still had time to watch the last two episodes of Lost and this week's ER, plus finish my current book (Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison. Thoroughtly enjoyed it, and am on the second one now...) and do a spot of work on the Dr Who scarf for mapp as well. Not a bad day then.

Back to exams again now, but all has been fine today. Despite aggro on the trains this morning making me arrive at 8.50 instead of the anticipated and hoped 8.30. Grrrrrr. And from here on in, the exams get smaller and less complicated as the week goes on. Hurrah.

Am now beginning to give serious thought to the whole moving house thing... must get the place de-cluttered a bit I think, in an effort to make it "viewer friendly" when folk start coming over to look at the place. Which means transporting bags of cuddly animals and boxes of books over to my parents, and trying to decide how to get rid of my old stereo and an old TV which are currently residing in one of my spare bedrooms...

And then I start thinking about all the paperwork that will need to be done, and all the aggro of packing up and physically moving (all once I actually sell the house and I've found a new place for myself to live...)

*sigh*

And lastly, I have a rotten cold. I am not happy.

Current mood: cranky