Crest

6 months since the last post. I am tempted to sing out the opening line to Simon & Garfunkel's Sound of Silence.

"Hello, darkness my old friend."

Probably I shouldn't.

What has changed 6 months after since I last posted? Inevitably, 6 months means I am less then a year to ORDing. Joy. Now after the customary NS content been done, let's move to the other news.

Surprisingly, I find the need to censor myself bleeding away, growing weaker and weaker. Not that I can allow myself to write posts with bad english albeit having lingering bad grammar.

It's that the change I wrote about is happening still, and it's happening faster and faster. Being strangely aware of what's happening yet not able to understand the change. The only thing I know that is the change is not enough to put me in the direction and the pace I would like. Indoubtably, I would need money to effect it, or at the very least make it faster. The evidence is screaming in my face that what I have done is still too little, not good enough.

What used to be conceit, now is emptying out into rage. Rage into what I have done to myself, how I destroyed much of what I could have achieved or achieve with my stupidity and carelessness. Yet it already happened, to let it poison my future and what I could still salvage would be continuing condemning to myself to mediocrity.

Perhaps now I can place the words to my lips, declare that I am not going to take any solace from those who are inferior. Perfection is something I am not going to ever achieve, but as close to the light. As close to it.
I have already made one good concrete step, but I must forge myself without any regard. Forward, if it means losing everything in the process.

Like any crescendo, the peak of emotions will only vanish to a sinking realisation. It's so distinct that, I don't know where, what to grapple with my direction. Only aware of the thought to improve, knowing how to do it. Yet what about everyone around me, what to do with myself and them? And it's so frightening that this is all an aspect known to me. Only me, is this schizoprenia manisfesting? That I am letting people see nothing of this yet I want them to? Yet I am not good enough, perfect enough for them. Thus it's the mockery and the rage against the self. It's the inferiority that's left of my existence.

It's only February.. or it's already February.. let's skip the session of NS and ORD. Too early to talk about it and what's been talked about it is too plenty. Another thing, I realised... is that all of my LJ ads are poetry or philosophy... terribly flattering. Now for what has happened to the past few months for me. Life, living, knowing. In some of the previous entry, I spoke on how easily I was satisfied and got conceit to get the better of me. Previously, I would let it slide off my mind slowly but surely... but the adjective was previously... it's like the meta-systems of my mind is changing. Well we are out there, staining each other with random thoughts and suggestions on every level possible. I would like to feel that it's for the better but conceit is real poison.

Now to something less emo and possibly of some reading value... is the internet the forum for the individual? This generation is a new one, a totally different one from any possible model of the past. We are in the age of the individual where the Individual is not celebrated as an ideal but as... well individuals. Every possible scrap of information (not knowledge) of everyone is known to well almost everyone if you bother to look up for it. We can liken it to be a library except the library is growing around people and surrounding them. It's like the primordial soup of society just decided to boil over the cauldron.... the Individual is celebrated but is the Individual appreciated? Not as in we appreciating ourselves but appreciating the idea of the Individual approaching closer to the now rather quaint idea of Individualism? Everyone is on their pedestal but is this pedestal of ego so high that we can't see others as peers or is our ego given such a high ground that we must step on other egos to reach it?

Blogs are a good example of this, everyone is given the license to speak and everyone is given a chance to read or not. Yet blogs manifest to us in many other subtle ways, the way information is disseminated is less and less apparent to the viewer. For us, do we truly know what we are reading and where are they coming from? It can turn out to be noise of knowledge or information in the end? Empathy is slowly destroyed as the individual is being perched on a higher and higher ground. The internet empowers us to do things we could not imagine a single person can achieve but has this power blinded our sense of empathy and the innate social psyche within us?

This post may sound it is intellectual or at the very least pseudo-intellectual but it's not. It's flawed, it can only be made better with comments from others, the flame borne out from clashes of minds not egos. Yet few read my blog.. sometimes I do wonder why I do write in the reporting form of speech but I use this as my outlet so the internet is my audience. This lonely scrapyard of information. Feel free to comment.

Melody in the memory
Thinking for the singing
Drowning in isolated glory

Tell me the ways
Meters of my life,
Rhythms to place,
Tell me how to sing,

Searching, I wander
Down on the beaches,
Feet naked, I wonder

Trees of my words,
Varieties that confound,
In harmony or dissonance?
Rising and falling
They are spiralling

Letters flowering,
Wordplay constant,
Stumping, tricking
Into making same words

Stuffy words,
Aristocratic words,
Dance stiffly.
The melody surround
Spiralling round.

Flowers of music,
Wordly petals,
Falling silently
On the unlearned.


I can't write. God bless me.
And I am motivated enough or lazy enough to go out and copy this over from my last.fm
Cue for the following post on this.

Ranting about myself.

All of these were but a part of an ongoing process to come to terms with myself. It was accelerated when someone said something that I pretty much never actually thought fell on me. And that validates that statement. Now what was that he actually said to me, it was pretty easy. He said that I was pretty arrogant to people, very cold to people that I supposedly perceive as lower. I have never thought of such a possibility, I could have thought of rejecting that notion. It disturbs me a lot though, it is like something akin to enlightenment except it is much warped and twisted. Arrogant, me? It is actually quite possible, I am not perceptive to others in my opinion.

And I have definitely committed that mistake of saying words too easily, too freely without considering others' opinions. When I entered the army, I told and taught myself that I should just ignore people who are unkind but somehow it has transmuted and changed into rancour.

Is this what people call concupiscence? All these has sharpened my senses and my mind into something.. that I see as perhaps sin in humanity on a much more personal level? Perhaps to quote from the Bible, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me." from Romans 7:15-24. It is frightening when I posed to myself, so should I just consign all these to pure hatred or attempt to rebel, to turn against all these impulses of uneasiness, the answer was that it is so easy to let them burn. Like a hoary bush, all these feelings should just burn into anger and hatred and it will be released through scheming how to go against those who actually mock and lower me.

Yet no, the law of conscience intervenes. It is easy to just bow one's head into emotions. Yet emotions don't consist only of just negative thoughts, the easy path is always in front of one's eyes but how often do we or me in this case know whether is it the best path? The calls of change goes even stronger, it is easy to just write about this, let the frustration slowly evaporate into the night. Life goes on. I need the strength to force myself to change. To change against the tide, for the better not for the worse.

The past 7 months has forced my complexes to surface, the inferior complex, the me who feels so inferior when compared against others and utterly lacking any confidence in myself. And the contradictory narcissistic complex, where I believe myself to be able to achieve wonderful things. Yet this wonderful thing is changing, now it is threatened to just derail into something so much more petty and trivial just for myself. I believe that I can do something wonderful but in the present, I believe that I am utterly useless.

Some minor accomplishments and I thought I was on my path to achieving it and I let conceit rush to my head. It was such a miserable sight to see me upset people because of that. True that I am magnifying this because I always think too much but yet there are traces of it granted it would be forgotten by the other parties themselves for it is so minor. It's not just some sides of the fairytale, what I need to do is to change the whole story.

On a side note, this is making me look utterly like an emo kid. Hooray, actually all I need is to be more comfortable with myself at times.

Another month, another update. Now this is going to be less on the ordinary fragments of everyday life. I dont actually recalling writing this blog as an ordinary blog on blogging boring life but on drier, harder to read musings.

Been reading even more books on literature and graphic novels nowadays, I used to read them from the point of a reader, now I try to dissect it down, finding the structure of the plot. Trying to listen the voice of works.. imitating and absorbing the technique. The past few months has helped to make things clearer, the clarity is still not there but at least it is not dense smoke , blocking out everything.

I always wonder how the talented get their break, do their talent naturally reach out to those who can see it? Or they reach out for such people actively? Contacts are so hard to build up especially those who can really help. What truly complicates matters are that I am alone in this, very few of my friends in real life remotely writes or understands my sentiments on this issue. They understand my desire and wish to be a writer but most dont share it. Feeling like a wandering minstrel ballading about a tale of quiet adventure vivace that will be a crescendo of epic or it will be slowly fade into the winter largo of failure.

I need more Dream Theatre and Rising Force :o

From my previous entry to the one, one word is fitting. Kickass.

Back to the CO office after my 2nd stint at Signals is great, it is good to be relieved of the seemingly pettiness of Signals and watching people kill each other in a humourous way to shift blame and shirk from it is not very amusing when you are in the cross-fire.

Was invited to the Compaq AMD Pro League Elite Category, even better. It is like a huge motivation for me to actually revamp and rework my playing technique which I know what to do with it.

Met up with shia's schoolmates after my JLPT lessons with Jansen, Sasaki-sensei is interesting at the very least... the next day was with Paper's schoolmates and RIUVA/Tsubaki. Needless tj han is a interesting and nice fellow to meet up with.

Time to internalise the emo yay!

No, this is not going to be a poetry entry, it's more simpler than that. It's a normal entry *gasp*,  for the past 2 months... close to 3 months actually.. life threatens to collapse into a boring cycle looping and looping for the next 2 years. If people are to look into my blog for interesting things, they are going to be terribly disappointed. Life to me is in lovely tones of sepia, dark brown of old times, yet I intend to plan for new things to come in.

Finally going to be on the streets learning how to drive o.o, granted it might now seems fun but when I actually do use the car I probably will be ranting about female drivers and many inept horrors on the road.  Next on the list to actually get formal JLPT lessons, right from the bottom.. wee ._.

Now to work, it's been a rollercoaster ride so far... moving from Signals to my CO's direct office and now to the Medical Centre. From all the shuffle in personnel, my actual vocation has not even been fixed yet :o, the stint at the CO's office is brilliant despite I failing so badly, and screwing an ex-Colonel in the process and screwing myself better with his "backlash".  The whole experience somehow turned on the Panorama function in my view of myself and the world, not that I can now fully see and comprehend but at least the foreign views and sights overwhelm and sparked off the detonation lines of thoughts. And the trips to CMPB despite how others are saying it is a pretty redundant thing for me actually teaches me a lot, Miss Cheryl has shown me a lot of things in which only the gravity of it can be realised in my little planet of mind.  It has always been afraid of the tides and gushes of thoughts,sights and people, the innate fear and the reflexive defensive mechanisms that try to stem against the overwhelming slides of thoughts.

Why do I raise my walls against them? I always knock myself into one corner, where the walls behind me are walls of envy, fear and so many more. Painted in regret and wistful looks, it is perhaps time to start leaving the corner and moving out. To explore the little house of my imagination and potential and to open the door out to the world.

If it pleases you,
Shall we take a walk?

So tired, are'nt you?
Weary dreams covering,
Of life shimmering,

If you may,
Shall I bring you sweets?

So jaded, aren't you?
They disagree with the world,
Never disagreeing with you.

If you wish to,
Shall we rest here?

So pained, aren't you?
Disjointed worlds,
Tearing at each other

If it pleases you,
Shall I cup your ears?

So frustrated, aren't you?
Take what you need,
Discard the rest to my hands.

If you may allow,
Shall I draw smiles on you?

So burdened, aren't you?
Prayers never answered,
Praying to stop the crying

If you wish,
Shall we leave everything?

So thoughtful, aren't you?
Always wondering, caring
For the thoughtless people

If you may,
Shall we stroll on?

So carefree, aren't you?
Radiance pouring in,
Into cloudy smudges of grey

If I may,
Can I quietly kiss you?

So happy, aren't we?
If it only pleases you,
I can never make it end.

If you like,
That is.



Too much backlog on last.fm -_-
Probably post something real tomorrow

Today is the month of the seven and the day of seven.. and here another post is being made once again. The experiences floating are many but they whisper chatter of different people I met in the army. Although most of them won't ever be known to my memory but their impact on me are like ripples. Why is that so? I saw how different people are from each other but it never registered or burnt in my mind that we are different. Seeing things differently is one thing.. but knowing things differently is yet another. I now hope I can actually remember this lesson. The lesson of looking at my hands and trying to decipher the worth that my pair can possibly achieve, trying to learn as much as I can. Perhaps I have learnt to make impulse into drive and something more lasting such as determination, I dont want to just steam on and do nothing in the long run. Am I just one of the dreamers without the brilliance to show it? Maybe it's time for the dream to face the test of reality.

On something more grounded and less floating, going to register for lessons by next week... for driving and the other plan is going on well. Only to find the spark to go on for other stuff. And reading D.H.L again is a real revelation once more. And oh yes I am incredibly too sensitive to be sociable as always. I love and hate that aspect

7 weeks on the sunny island away from Singapore.. it's called by several names.. but rarely known as a paradise. I kid, if it is a paradise, we are all so S&M freaks, yet this experience has an impact that could be described at the very least, profound. Knowing people there.... more of them people that I cannot get along, they are not jerks... yet it's hard to make firm friends under that setting and sharing few common interests which are often the bedrock of friendships. The whole 7 weeks taught me a lot of things.. especially on people and how to handle them. It's really important and it prepares you for the world ahead.. despite how people saying that these 2 years are your life in statis.

So many interesting people I met.... in the positive way and the negative way.. the countless times of people dry humping each other in the bunks are amusing in a very disturbing way. I could say about so many of them but even in this rather "private" setting, it's still too trivial. Spent most of my time playing Magic: The Gathering again, I only abhor the sad realisation that will come later, the realisation of wasting my money again ^_^.

On another note, I am accepted into the National University of Singapore Arts and Social Science Faculty... I am probably going to pick political science/Japanese studies or maybe History/Japanese studies.. but it seems likely that Japanese studies would be my major no matter what. Let's just say it's the Japanphile in me, perhaps it could be something deeper and not so superficial. To relate to my childhood aspirations and dreams, how would it lead it to becoming reality? It really seems pretty unrelated.. even my dreams seem like nothing but a product of childhood pandering to wild thoughts. Yet, do I persevere or do I quietly follow the well-beaten path of conformity? My choice of switching from a polytechnic to a junior college, switching from a supposed popular course that has much more prospects to the Arts, would really tell you what I am going to do in the next few years.

Finally found a good reason to come up to blog.. actually I could just blog anything but that would be too dry even for myself. Let Leon read some of my garbage on last.fm, he really nailed it well. Too detached was his final verdict.. not in his own words though, he did say no feelings could be sensed from it. There's a lack.. of interaction.. good poetry should have some connection.. some form of characters for example. But my poetry.. is too detached for the reader to feel stirred, maybe those with good imagination could do less with of my prodding. Been trying to change some things, the structure.. the vocabulary.. the themes and storyline if there's any to start with. I once had someone critique me as a writer who has intense flair but not that soulful in writing.. beautiful words.. but that's it. Shame on someone who intends to make a living out of writing in the future, when I cannot even make an impact on one of my best friends.

Yet no one from my real life... knows of my blog yet, I just wish to preserve this somehow exciting double life.. like wearing a mask at my own fancy. Yet I feel so throughly incompetent in something that I really pride in. Let me try to better myself with my very limited talents.. if I had any to start with.

Still praying to have NUS accept me.. I really want to study humanities rather then economics in university...

Entries after entries of saying of the terrible build-up to the A levels, here it is.

Well... the most pressing objective was NOT solved. sigh, my inept tendency of not handling maths well under pressure simply shone like the brightest star. I dont hate maths, I love the subject to be honest but lack of a good grounding and simple fear of not handling it under exam conditions led to such a horrible result. But maybe it is my ability and the fact that I suck at maths again ._.

Well for the other 2, it was pretty much A and a B, I would have preferred both to be A but well with that huge mark over it. Nothing much actually matters really, I would have been willing to go down over and settled for a BCC rather then getting an ABO.

What's left now? Everyone said that I should try to aim low and try to cram in well I be glad if I can get myself a slot in either university. Grudge prohibited for fools. My ends are too short to reach the destination for now.

Vacated the house at last saturday, it seems that I really has grown up or it seems I am less attached to that house because it seems so much easier to just pack up or go. Or maybe it is the incentive of a room to myself at the new house that makes me pretty much willing to move. The current residence that I am at is pretty much reminds me of the time where I stayed in Block 322, where things were so much simpler at that time. It speaks a lot on the individual and the environment when I am hardly 20 but I am already pining for the time when I was just a young child. A levels due to come out at 3rd March since Mr Tay said it was likely.. well I just wish that it would be good enough to send me into an university preferably into the courses that I want to take in NUS but oh well beggars can't be choosers and God probably has his hands full with the people trying to pray for miracles when they normally dont even pray.

Side note, the Advent Children version of One Winged Angel live is pure gold. Maybe it is me but it feels.. so liberating, the sense of sounds slowly wrapping your world and cutting off everything else leaving you in a pool of music.

Entry update in god knows for how long...

Valentine's Day is coming up next on the highlights or non-highlights of my life, that or my A levels result. If one can strain the mind for so long, why does it not snap .-.'

Got my hair coloured, reactions seem pretty good so far. What seriously is the meat of this seemingly short article is the fact that I am still being played around like a shadow by my parents .-. Well their intentions are good but to force it through smacks some kind of a fear that their child is going amok. Or maybe I just need some motivation.

A levels or love? I take my A levels over a Valentine anytime.

*Oh yes how I love this song*

5 days to Chinese New Year or to be politically correct, the Lunar New Year where by the calendar of the Moon indicates a New Year. What have been I doing nowadays? Been harassing Starhub endlessly, short of storming and burning the whole place down with kerosene. Strangely, they tried to take some survey, to get feedback on their service when they cannot even resolve my problem.

Been reading up on another biography on Napoleon, he was a flawed great man and that's what makes him so interesting to read. Finished the book on Crusades and Donald Keene's book on Japanese culture is boring albeit the content is interesting enough. It is delivered in a very academic way but of course this is Japanese Classical literature

To work or to wait till A levels are disclosed so I can weep before torching down the Examination Branch?

Last post for the year of 2005.. I suppose.

Watched Narnia with Leon and Seng, same cinema, same dinner place. Narnia is good as I expected or wanted it to be.. so it is not surprising that I rate it to be good, something that you may say.. biased... but who cares. The score by Harry Gregson-William is awesome as normal and I blew 50 bucks on a bunch of clothes that I probably will never ever wear.

Time for the main event of this entry, time to take stock.

A levels: Everything sadly, I have given too little and she will recipocrate not in a very nice manner. It is sad of this country that one's destiny can supposedly be controlled by one single exams

Art of Story: This month has been a very good month for storywriting and something more.. accessible has been written.

Growth: I must simply said that this 2 years of JC life has taught me a lot and it is time that one must stand up and be counted. Some might say that might be the loss of innocence, I disagree that children must be meek and weak. They often possess strength that adults can only admire. These 2 years has given me a lot of things to note.

This is a very good year sans the A levels that I hope can be decent. And some other dreams that will probably be a butt of jokes if I said it here. So this is it.

Note: I probably am going to rest for the New Year.. how boring.

Updated with poems from last.fm..... and that's that ._.

Gosh I need to buy a new headphone and start chasing up on all my animes I missed T_T

If this world is a stage
What's the role do we play?
We drew the curtains?
Did we usher them?

Our eyes rest on the audience
Flowers that bloom beautifully
Just as the moment they bloom
The moment they wither comes

Soon the pages will yellow,
Cracking under the winds
The binding slowly breaks
As another story turns to dust

Do the winds ever stain our faces?
The marks of time never carved in
We are like buds waiting to bloom
But the blooming days dont come

Do you have memories of our love?
Things that washes on the shores
Of our minds, leaving a mark
Before being washed away yet again

Has the eternity made our love
Like the moon in the night,
Shining off from others?
And never changing?

Will our love ever set
In the horizons of times?
Just like how the sun dies
Only to rise brighter again

Or we are just doomed
To be spectators
Of this stage, forever
For we broke the rules


Need a muse, please send applications

Why do we believe in dreams?
For nothing is ever in our hands?
Illcit wishes, forbidden dreams
Fruits borne out of passion

Our vessel slowly rowed
In the darkness the lights shone
In a rhythm I remember,
Shining once in every minute

I was leaning against the window
Elbow against the glass,
Trying to feel the reality of it
The reality of two of us

You were so bored, uncomfortable
Was your husband in your mind?
Or was the fact we were together?
The moonlight made you shine

Ivory in the dystopia,
The only light in the darkness,
Something desired by people
Yet not appreciated by him

You were so careful, so uptight
Saving your hair from oily leather
Looking in the other direction,
Your eyes were looking but not seeing

The driver was a silent witness
Just like the frame to a painting
The painting of the two of us
Thinking, wondering I wanted to know

If we are forced to come together
By the adultery of our loves
Is this love a child of passion
Or from loneliness or...?

Your porcelain mask gave nothing
Half-naked lips pursed up
Chewing off the ruby red
Were you thinking that they might see?

Those vultures on the street?
The sleeping caretaker of our block?
The avians of gossip and rumours?
Those are nothing to be worried of

Yet, what if we had to break up?
Do the tears show that the illcit?
That this is no longer comfort
But something more towards love

I see how the smoke trails
Towards the glass,
Trapped by the surface,
Leaving ghostly marks

How beautiful, the evanescence
Did we fall in love
For it was the time for love?
Or we were just pining for someone?

We might never know,
Just like the smoke
This is going to die off,
Yet if I had one chance

To lead you onto the same path
Where your path leads to mine
And my path is nothing but yours,
Will you accept the offer?


Inspired by In the Mood for Love: Yumeji's Theme/Li Zhen's Dialogue
Need a muse, please send applications

Creaking, whispering, they are in delight
Fingers skidding on metal skin
Strands shimmering in the night
They looking at the kindred soul

Soul wandering, so lost
In the world of metal
Where they never rust
Oiled by the fuels of youth

Snapped into motion,
They tease the youth
With words and emotion
That seems so unreal

What do those eyes see?
Eyes of hollow irises
Empty just like me
This poor youth

Is this nothing but a dream?
To be fettered and loved
By something not from my realm?
I am diving into undead loves

Loves that seemed
Neither dead nor alive
What are those in the eyes?
Tears? Do marionettes cry?

How do I make you real?
Or you are to make me complete?
Do I place myself in you?
Why do you tear?

Your hands are so icy,
Trapped in the cold metal
This is a cage I see,
So I shall remove them totally

Skeleton of marionette
Am I the flesh to this thing?
Two borne into one, something new
I can finally hang to something



Metal.
Need a muse, please send applications