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May 12th, 2008
04:00 pm - Naked Truth
A long time ago, somebody told me something about LJ and I refused to believe it, or at least I refused to believe the SCALE of what was happening. More recently I have scratched the surface of LJ a little deeper and it seems that they were RIGHT and I was wrong (there's a first).
It seems that if you are a male LJer and you have anything like a decent sized Friends List, you can totally expect to get unsolicited NAKED or TOPLESS photos emailed to you, by random women you've encountered here. Unasked-for, unwanted and probably unattractive pictures (given that these women have to AMBUSH men into looking at them). Ugh. If men show women on LJ a little attention, maybe sympathise or flirt a bit (in other words act like humans)...Some women think it appropriate to "reward" them with unexpected wham-bam-thank-you-spam of the undressed kind. Apparently, when it comes to the women who sexually harass men on LJ "The quiet ones are the worst" (Anon).
"Oh POOR men!" I hear you snigger and at first it does seem funny doesn't it? Just like we might grin at hearing how a small woman beats her large husband, or how a man is being sexually harassed by a woman at work...But surely men should have the same right to protection that women have? Men on LJ don't commonly send naked pictures to women do they?
Men have a perfect right to opt IN to getting pictures, if they are offered, but they shouldn't have to put up with crazy bitches sending photos willy-nilly. How dare a woman assume that a man who may well be married, in a long term relationship, shy, not interested in her sexually etc. wants naked pictures of her appearing in his Inbox. As ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) andrewhickey told me in the pub,
"One of the pitfalls of being a man online is that women send you naked photos".
At least three men on LJ have emailed me over the years, asking me not to flirt with them in their journals, because it upset their girlfriends...Imagine the shit they'd get into if said girlfriends saw them open a topless photo of a woman they'd encountered on LJ! And men have told me how awkward it makes them feel when a woman they'd previously considered a nice friend suddenly makes a weird sexual advance, completely inappropriate to the mood of their relationship thus far (Edit: Not in relation to me flirting I should add!).
Of course, some men don't mind (for scientific reasons). http://unimag.livejournal.com/88769.html
And some women are open to candid shots. http://scarletdemon.livejournal.com/26994.html
And lots of girls have "sex-filters" or journals where they pose naked FOR MEN WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LOOK. That's fine. I'm not going all Victorian...I just think some women need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN and stop sending home-made porn, just because some bloke actually pays them a tiny bit of attention.
If you are a man on LJ, what do you think of this? Have you encountered it?
If you are a woman...Do YOU send men unsolicited pictures? Does your partner (if he is on LJ) get harrassed (ask him, don't assume he doesn't)?
Have I only been talking to incredibly irresistible men, or something?
(With thanks to cindy_reddeer who paid for my account and is a very sweet friend and not a sex maniac).
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May 7th, 2008
11:35 am - Lenor "Infusions"?
Life Update: Brandon and I are enduring rather hard times...I haven't got a job yet, my money is almost gone and I've just been refused Benefits (I must be the only single parent in England who can't get some sort of freebies). Ugh. I thought the system would provide a safety net for us but all I can hope for are Tax Credits and even they are not certain. I should have dealt with this earlier but to be fair to myself the "system" did lead me on for about 3 weeks, before telling me they knew I wouldn't qualify for any money on DAY ONE. Idiots. The money from my ex pays the rent and Council Tax...Other than that I have sod all coming in. Bollocks. And my Paid Account ran out in March (subtle mention there but I know I'm not really value for anyone else's money on here right now, so I don't expect anything).
What's really annoying me at the moment though is (of course) the adverts for Lenor Infusions fabric softener. Apparently I'm meant to be "seduced" by these new "fragrances":
http://www.lenorinfusions.co.uk/indulgence.htm
but I'm not.
What kind of "fragrances" are "Black Diamond and Lotus Flower, Sapphire Violet, Ruby Jasmine and Amethyst Rose"? I find it all baffling. I suffer from anosmia (Google it) but even I know that precious stones DON'T SMELL. Hmmm...Actually I'll Google something myself shall I?...What does "infusion" mean?
infusion:
When one thing is added to another to make it stronger or better
(Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary)
Jesus Christ, are Lenor actually putting diamonds into their softener then?! I bet they're not. And even if they are I don't want my clothes with a "precious stone-washed" finish, thank you.
Let's face it, Lenor are LYING; the closest they get to "infusing" anything with fucking diamonds is putting the idea into the heads of consumers when they stand in the shop fingering a plastic bottle of gloop. Even that is stupid...As unimag remarked "Why are they associating fabric softener with the hardest substance known to man?". And I'd like to know why they specify "black" diamonds...Are they supposed to smell different to the "white" ones?
Dear Lenor,
If you are reading this by some chance: Diamonds, Rubies, Sapphires and Amethysts HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PRODUCT! Come to think of it, I bet there's precious little in the way of ACTUAL Lotus Flowers, Violets, Roses or Jasmine in there either but at least copying the smell of them MAKES SENSE.
Stop putting annoying adverts on my TV.
Thank you.
P.S.
I'll forgive you if you give me a job.
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April 23rd, 2008
11:44 am - Loopy (This post includes cross stitching but is about something else). Honest.
Looping: A word coined by me to describe doing a seemingly excellent piece of cross stitch, only to find that you have left untidy knotted loops on the back. This is caused by carelessly sewing away despite the thread being a bit twisty and the only cure is (frustratingly) to unpick your work (or to pretend nothing has gone wrong whilst still KNOWING).
So anyway, I recently bought myself a blood-pressure meter...One with a cuff and everything. When it inflates is makes a lovely bzzzz and my doctor told me to get it because she wants me to test my BP from time to time, to observe how my meds are working and what pushes it up etc. My BP does tent to be lethally high at times. DREADFULLY. Like 200/100, even medicated! (Although recently it has been better).
Last week I decided to test my BP after sitting and contentedly doing my cross stitch for a good hour. I reasoned that silently cross stitching and relaxing MUST be good for me. Then Brandon came in...
BRAN: What ARE you doing?
ME: (putting on cuff) I'm going to test my blood pressure, because I've been sewing quietly and it should be nice and low. I can't talk whilst I'm doing it, that messes up the reading. And don't make me laugh. (I close my eyes and gather myself)
BRAN: Pffft, I bet it doesn't help. What the hell are you doing with your eyes shut, anyway?
ME: (Pressing the button) Imagining I'm sewing. Shut up. bzzzz
BRAN: Oooohhh...you...are...sewing. You...are...doing... cross...stitch.
ME: (bzzzz continues) Shut up.
BRAN: Oh my god...YOU'RE LOOPING MUM, YOU'RE LOOPING!!!
ME: Brandon! You little sod, SHUT UP!
BRAN: YOU'RE LOOPING!!!! YOU'RE LOOPING!!! YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS GOING CRAZY!!!!
ME: (Collapsing into laughter) Stoppit! I'm not supposed to laugh!
BRAN: ( almost wetting himself) OH NOOOO, WHAT WILL THE MONITOR SAY?! HOW MUCH HAS LOOPING PUSHED UP YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE?!
The bzzzz stops and the monitor tells me I am seconds from dying like a victim in the popular film "Scanners").
ME:(Still laughing hysterically) Brandon! That's evil! It'll take me ages to settle down now!
BRAN: I was helping you to pretend you were actually sewing! You're always stressing about looping!
ME: I'm going to kill you.
Needless to say, since then, every time the BP monitor goes bzzzz, I hear a little voice coming from Bran's room "Mum! You're LOOPING!", or (much worse) a little voice in my head, saying the same thing. I laugh every bloody time too, or stress myself up trying not to.
I wonder if I can get a refund.
And I wonder if I can put Brandon into care.
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April 16th, 2008
01:15 pm - Belated Birthday Post
This year it has taken me rather longer than is normal to make my "It's my Birthday!" post. My Birthday was actually on the 25th of March, but two reasons have held me back from embarking on my usual cyber-celebrations...Firstly I don't have regular access to the internet (at least at moments of inspiration) and secondly I JUST TURNED FIFTY!!! GAHHHHH!
Fifty. Fucking hell. I know they say "you're only as old as the man you feel!" ("they" being the sort of irritating people who also say things like "I'm crazy, I really am!") but like it or not, I'm not my current youthful squeeze, I'm ME and I'm FIFTY. I suppose I could pretend now that everything is cool, that fifty is the new forty or that I'm not feeling any different from when I was a teenager...But I'd be lying and lying on LJ is only good if it gets a laugh. To be honest, being fifty is kind of a drag.
I must admit, I do have good skin. I mean, I know a lot of women younger than me with WAY more wrinkles. And I DO have a nice open outlook on life, which keeps people guessing about my age, since they can't reconcile my juvenile sense of humour with anyone of such advanced years...But nevertheless, time marches on.
My biological clock seems to have stopped ticking and turned into a radiator these days. Murmurs of "Oh Scarlet, being in bed with you is so HOT!" are normally followed by the duvet being thrown off and a window opened, rather than kisses and a post-coital cigarette. Even in the day-time just bending down can make my face glow like a comet. I can't help noticing that the sand in my hourglass figure seems to have travelled largely southwards too. Thankfully my tits are holding up, for now. I have to be careful with "sexy" outfits though...At my age dressing up as a school-girl doesn't make me look sexy, it just makes me look like I have special educational needs.
And I forget stuff...Maybe I've forgotten where my tits used to be and really they've dropped, I dunno, I can't remember. I definitely tell Unimag the same things over and OVER again, until he has to swear at me in Northern. And I keep asking visitors "Would you like a cake? How about a sandwich? A banana then? A chocolate? An omlette? A biscuit?" like an insane "Feeder"...Old grannies do that, don't they? God. Plus, there's the cross-stitching. Damn.
I expect I'll get comments about Madonna now, telling me that she is fifty too and she looks great and it isn't old and whatever. Forget it...Anyone who has seen that music video of Madge cavorting around in front of a mirror in a pink leotard will know that in that moment she created the perfect demonstration of why being fifty IS a BAD thing. Yeah she is physically fit, but WHERE WAS HER DIGNITY? I can't put my finger on it but somehow she made me sad. I love Madge but she is TOO OLD for shit like that. A pink leotard...OMG. And I've heard she is RAPPING these days! Christ, nobody that old should rap. And Madge, if you are reading this, don't put your hair up in little bunches each side of your head, or ride a skateboard, in any future projects.
So yeah, being fifty sucks. They only way it has made my life a bit more fun is that I've been forced to go blonde now, because my roots are so white (and we all know blondes have more fun). A happy ending there, for my American readers.
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March 21st, 2008
06:23 pm - More Scabbing
courtesy of unimag. Feel free to redistribute, or to go over to his journal and comment.
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March 20th, 2008
01:15 pm - Shame
I have a confession to make and it isn't pretty. You see, I've taken up a new and shameful hobby...I've started cross stitching. No, don't go, hear me out. The thing about cross stitch is that it is compulsive to the "user" but REPULSIVE to everyone else (unless they too are "infected"). Telling people that you have taken up cross stitching is a bit like telling people that you have let The Lord Jesus Christ into your heart...You can see the look of horror creep across their faces, as they slowly back away and try to decided whether they want to know you anymore.
The reason that people are so loathe to mix with cross stitchers is very similar to the reason they avoid Christians...They don't want anything rammed down their throats. And at least with Christianity they only have to listen to a few crappy Bible quotes, or throw a couple of unwanted printed tracts onto the fire. If, however, they continue to associate with cross stitchers they risk being given presents (or birthday cards) in cross stitch! Horrible, ugly, dated-looking things that have been lovingly and laboriously made, so that they cannot throw them away (without feeling guilty) and must therefore keep forever. Stored FOREVER in their HOMES, also with the distinct expectation that they will be hung ON THE WALL. And I don't mean a wall in the loo.
Right about now you are probably getting confused.
"How can Scarlet say she likes to cross stitch and then slag off the very hobby she enjoys?" you ask.
That's simple. Cross stitching is fun, it's like doing a puzzle (as you copy the pattern chart) and doing something creative at the same time. The outcome is going to be a twee, bumpy, picture of a cottage, some poppies, Chinese symbols, Peter Rabbit, a Native American, a wolf or a cat (ugh, these are the only pictures ever invented for cross stitch, I swear) but the process of actually making that picture is relaxing and vaguely artistic. I enjoy it. Plus you can do it sitting down, which is a must for any hobby in my book. The fact that you end up with something that doesn't really belong anywhere and that nobody actually wants is just, um, a drawback.
You probably know someone who cross stitches and if you're REALLY unlucky, they give you stuff they've made. Be kind, take it and pretend you like it. They know it is RUBBISH but if they can't give it away (and face it, nobody ever BUYS that shit) they cannot justify their next fix. Indulge them, even though by giving you whatever it was they seem to almost be screaming at you that you have NO TASTE.
I will add here that I have aquired some graph paper, with the intention of inventing MY OWN interesting and MODERN cross stitch designs. The only thing is my suggestions are still regarded with horror.
"Brandon, shall I do you a cross stitch picture of a Transformer?"
"OMG Mum, that would be SO SHIT!"
"Fair enough. I mean GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
He's right. At least I'm not making pottery (anymore).
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March 10th, 2008
09:40 pm
Love, the most lied about subject on Earth...Without further ado, let me dispel for you:
The Nine Biggest Myths About Love
"Love is blind": This sounds great but in practice it just isn't true. People tend to go for the best-looking partner they can tolerate/get and that's usually someone "in their league". When the beauty balance is out, we can be fairly sure other factors are coming into play. If I see some incredibly pretty bloke with a minging fat bird on his arm I don't think "love is blind", I usually think "I bet she fucks like a whore". Love can also appear to be blind when, in fact, one person's view of their ugly partner is merely being obscured by huge piles of that partner's money.
"Love conquers all": No it doesn't. I hate that evil "romantic" notion that if we love someone ENOUGH, they won't die. That if we can just let our tears fall on the fur of an injured pet it will spring up and run about, cured. You see it all the time in (often children's) films and it is a LIE. Bad things happen, full stop. If anything, love makes us feel the pain caused by bad things more acutely.
"Sex is better if you are with someone you love": Oh dear, if only it were so. Sex is better when you are with someone who is good at sex, or at least very sexually compatible with you. If love = great sex the World would be full of couples celebrating their "Golden Anniversary" and hundreds of women's magazines would go out of business.
"You can't really love someone else unless you love yourself first": This is the sort of nonsense that Americans eat up and British people shudder at. I can see how Americans would believe it, with their perfect smiles, big cars and loud-ass egos. If this myth about love was true though, Britain would be a nation of childless hermits, waiting to become extinct.
"If you really loved me you'd trust me": One of the two "Check Your Brain In At The Door" myths about love. I'm sure lots of people who are worthy of trust are instead enduring the paranoia of partners too wrapped up in their own power and jealousy issues to be truly in "love". But then again, it is perfectly possible to love someone who can't be trusted, hence the idea of a "loveable rogue", or the vast success enjoyed at women's expense by men who are utter bastards. And vice versa.
"When you love someone they complete you": Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick. Jigsaws get completed. Lego models get completed. My tax form (finally) got completed. I AM A PERSON, I will know I am complete when I croak my last breath. The idea that anyone can regard themselves as "complete", before they've lived every moment possible, horrifies me. The idea that someone can be "completed" by the addition of someone else's love (like some sort of emotional Frankenstein) is even less appealing.
"Love is unconditional": Only if you are the baby Jesus. The second "Check Your Brain In At The Door" myth about love.
"Love is never having to say you are sorry": I don't know who came up with this idea but I'm pretty sure they have never been in a romantic relationship. Maybe it's just me but love seems to mean that you are saying sorry about six times a day on average, sometimes about things where you really have no idea what it is you are supposed to have done.
"The One": The most twisted, cruel and untrue myth of all. The idea that we all have just ONE person out there that we are MEANT to be with causes more undue stress and misery than all of my yearly tax forms rolled into one. I'm not saying "anyone will do" but I think most people will meet plenty of potential "love" possibilities in their lives, as long as they are out there and open to the idea. The idea of a "Soul Mate" is supposed to be beautiful but to me it smells of complacency and lack of passion. If you are lonely and haven't met "The One" your best bet might be to look at yourself and try to see why you can't connect with people, rather than to curse the stars and sit waiting for Mr. (or Miss) Right.
Thoughts, as ever are welcome.
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05:56 pm - "Last Update 11 weeks ago"?!
I'm about to write a proper entry for LJ, something fun and entertaining (what? I'm going to try!) but first I owe people an apology for taking so long to post and my heartfelt thanks for your well-wishes to my Dad. I really didn't think my Dad would ever get out of hospital, his cancer had made him so ill...But in fact, after eight weeks, he finally DID go home and he is still there now. professional carers get him up in the morning and he is rather weak but he cooks and enjoys the odd trip out with my Mum, so he isn't doing too badly. Whew. Thanks again for caring.
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December 18th, 2007
03:33 pm - A Quick Hello...
Back in the cyber cafe for a fast update...
Stuff going on in my life right now but it's rather sad, as my Dad has been in hospital pissing blood for the last six weeks or so and probably won't be coming out alive. Since being diagnosed with prostate cancer he has managed to survive for seven years...but now things have gone out of control, as has the bleeding. I make the long train journey down to see him (and my Mum) when I can but there isn't much I can say or do. And I've never really felt like Daddy's Little Princess, so I can't pretend to have started now. I visited this weekend and by the time I got back from my parents' house, on Sunday night, I was frustrated, angry, tired and utterly fucking perplexed at the levels of denial, stupidity and tactlessness that both of them had managed to display. I'm sorry for them, I really am, but I can't cope with the mind-fuck they represent sometimes. I want my Dad to be brave and sensible; I want my Mum to be...Sane. Christ, it's no wonder I'm mental. I must add, the "system" has utterly fucked my parents over too, just in case the cancer wasn't bad enough, with them being told stories of my Dad coming home and various agencies helping and then everything being changed about six times, until nobody knows what the Hell is going on and he is still stuck in a side-ward crying.
Yesterday, I went round to see unimag and, of course, he managed to make me feel better. Moving here is the best thing I have ever done. God, I love being cuddled and kissed to within an inch of my life. He has the bluest eyes in the whole World too, so accept no substitutes.
OK, that's enough of that, I need to go and cook some dinner, we're taking Brandon to see Beowulf tonight, at the 3D cinema. Yay! (A happy ending there, for my American readers.
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November 29th, 2007
05:39 pm - Oh Bollocks
I've clearly forgotten how this thing works. I posted this
http://scarletdemon.livejournal.com/212111.html
last night, so that only I could see it. I finished it today and opened up the post BUT OF COURSE YOU PROBABLY MISSED IT, because it has appeared in the past on your Friends pages, goddammit!
Go and read it now...Yu know it'll be AGES until the next one. Heh.
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05:30 pm - Gifts For Men
With Christmas approaching, women's magazines are full of the usual seasonal articles telling us how to buy gifts that are suitable for our boyfriends/husbands. Men, we are led to believe, are "hard to buy for" and thus we must invest in monogrammed golf-balls, executive toys, expensive fragrances, novelty alarm clocks, leather driving gloves, or tickets to go hot-air ballooning...Otherwise our beloveds will find us (and our gifts) lame, boring and unsexy.
Really? Or are we women actually being misled by the glossies into believing that men are a lot deeper and more demanding than they are in reality? Should we be desperately trying to find presents that express our love and demonstrate our originality? Or should we just relax and give him underwear, socks and aftershave?
Ladies, I have studied men for almost 50 years and I'm here to tell you, men are EASY to buy for, because they DON'T CARE about presents.
Face it, if a man REALLY wants something, he immediately buys it for HIMSELF. Men aren't like women, they don't hold off buying things for themselves out of an initial sense of "maybe I don't deserve it" and then spend the run-up to the Festive season HINTING at the gift they'd like and thinking "If she really loves me she'll pick up on my hints and on Christmas morning all my dreams will come true!". Men don't like being vulnerable in that way, they buy what they want and treat Christmas as a time to possibly pick up an extra thing or two. If THEY aren't setting too much stock in what you buy, why should YOU worry so much about it?
And don't bother trying to buy him something "romantic". Women waste a lot of time looking for cute and "romantic" gifts for their partners, in the mistaken belief that when their man unwraps that cuddly dog, or those heart-shaped cuff-links, he will suddenly become entirely different towards them and start writing them poetry, or something. Nothing of the sort will happen (he'll probably think "WTF?"). In fact, sisters, when you buy a romantic gift for a man you set up a secret little hope in yourselves that he might be buying a romantic gift for YOU too (which of course he isn't) and you end up feeling cross and disappointed. Romantic gifts are expensive to buy, take emotional energy to choose and don't impress men as much as the simplest blow-job or roast dinner. Instead, buy him a set of spanners that might come in useful if he needs to mend your car. Or something.
Remember I said that men don't tend to drop hints about what they want? If you really want to get something he likes, why not just ASK him what he wants? I'm sure he didn't choose you for your potential psychic ability, it was probably more to do with the size and shape of your tits. Even if you don't ask him there's a good chance he will tell you outright, if you don't mention his present AT ALL in the weeks before Christmas (or his Birthday, come to that). He doesn't want you to forget him, does he? And if HE tells you, that's your big chance to tell HIM what YOU want!
One reason that women care so much about what THEY get from THEIR partners is the potential for what I will call "Boastability". We LOVE to meet up with the girls and compare gifts after Christmas.
"OMG, Jeff is SO romantic! Look at this bracelet! It cost him a fortune and he even had my name engraved on it, with LOVE HEARTS!" we crow delightedly to an ugly singleton friend.
Men don't really indulge in gift based Boastabilty with their mates. They know that having a woman who is understanding and fun gives them more status that having a woman who buys Armani ties.
"What did Scarlet get you for Christmas?"
"Socks"
"Cool. Does she still do that THING with her tongue you told us about?"
"OH yes." (The Christmas gift may have been boring but he still looks like a God to his friends.)
So what SHOULD you get him? Clothes are a good gift for men, as long as they are black. No ghastly Festive jumpers or novelty ties (no novelty ANYTHING, unless you want to come off as retarded). Anything that makes a bloke smell better is an investment. Anything he says he'd like is nice to get (within reason). Anything you want him to have so that he can fix things for you (or decorate the house) is worth your money. Those are the sorts of things you want to consider when buying for men.
Easy. Now throw away those magazines before he starts getting ideas above his station.
And will somebody tell LiveJournal that "usexy" MUST be a word.
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November 16th, 2007
03:38 pm - Hey Everyone!
So here I am, in an internet cafe in Longsight. Cool. Whenever I go to Unimag's house we find better things to do than make updates (no, we watch films, you dirty bastards) so I decided to pay a whole English pound and update from this scrubby little dump, where my only distraction is a tinny sound system, playing Bollywood soundtrack hits. Not that I'm exactly going to write a masterpiece or anything, I'm just going to update about Little Gay Brandon.
Some of you have asked how LGB is coping at his new (state) school. The work they set there is way behind where he got up to in his old (posh, private) school...And I suppose that's only to be expected, when his education is now free, whereas before it was costing ten thousand pounds a year (I shit you not). This is frustrating for me and a bit boring for him but at least it allows him to settle in without the pressure of trying to keep up academically(he's almost two years ahead in some subjects). On the plus side he is now learning Spanish (as well as still learning French) and he is treated like the School Genius. Yay!
"But is he getting the shit kicked out of him?" you all ask.
Happily...No.
I thought he might, I was almost sure of it. Loads of poor, rough, common, NORTHERN children. A huge school. And in the middle of it all my poshly spoken, chubby and frankly CAMP little boy. OMG.
But in fact the kids have been really nice to him. he's terribly funny and very friendly after all and joking aside most of the kids aren't that tough, they're just not as rich as his old mates. He has TONS of new friends and lots of GIRLS texting him! His accent is already displaying signs of Northernism. He calls the "Asda" supermarket "The Asduuuh" and the other day he said I was "Dizzy" when he thought I was being a bit mental. That's not an expression I've ever heard him use before. And he pronounced it "Dizzeeeh". Cute. Of course, he'll never sound as Northern and rough as Unimag, who speaks like the kind of man who inhabits D.H. Lawrence novels and has sex outdoors. Mmm.
Anyway. LGB is doing well and I should mention that his school building is BRAND NEW and cost as much as a small island! It is HIGH TECH too, which means that he identifies himself to the school Dinner Ladies by putting his finger onto a biometric pad thingy...Which allows them to see a photo of him on a screen and to make sure he has enough money on account for his dinner! WTF? I guess a few of the Northern kids there will need to get used to having their fingerprints taken anyhow. It's like training them for the future.
Oh blimey, my pound is running out. I love you all, thanks for your comments on my last post. Keep safe and keep commenting, it's pissing Unimag off that I get more replies than him. Mwahahaha! I'll update soonish, I hope.
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November 7th, 2007
07:51 pm - Careless Whispers
Much love to everyone who commented on my last post! So nice to hear from you all. Awww. I've only borrowed Unimag's computer for a bit, so I'll crack on and make a new entry shall I?
Translation Of The Things People Say To You, When They Find Out Your Boyfriend Is Twenty Years Younger Than You:
1) "Enjoy it while it lasts"
Romantic relationships do tend, by their very nature, to have a varied life-expectancy but in your case I'd like to draw special attention to the fact that it may not last because you've landed someone twenty years younger than you and I haven't.
2) "Has he had many girlfriends?"
Wow, your boyfriend is twenty years younger than you? I've never felt more compelled to suggest to someone (through the power of an amazingly subtle remark) that they may be the Hobson's Choice of a socially inadequate, desperate loner.
3) "You'll meet someone else"
It won't last, we've all embarrassed ourselves enough just by you mentioning it. NOW, let's move you on to the next man and never mention this again.
4) "You dirty bitch!"
I'm so shallow I can never imagine a relationship with an age-gap being based on anything but sex. What is sex like anyway? I've forgotten.
5) "Don't take it too seriously"
Romantic relationships do tend, by their very nature, to have a varied life-expectancy but in your case I'd like to draw special attention to the fact that it may not last because you've landed someone twenty years younger than you and I haven't. Bet nobody has hinted that at you before...
6) "I bet you teach him some things..."
Because you have a large age-gap in your relationship I feel totally free to suggest that either your boyfriend is rubbish at sex and needs your help, OR that your are a demented old whore corrupting an innocent lad with your vast array of carnal tricks.
7) "Sugar Mummy!"
I'm so shallow I can never imagine a relationship with an age-gap being based on anything but money.
8) "What do you find to talk about?"
Personally, I have a mental illness that prevents me from communicating with anyone who wasn't born in the same year as me.
9) "Mrs Robinson!"
You're in love? Awww! Let me take this opportunity to compare you to a fictional psychotic old drunk who trapped a younger man into a purely sexual relationship, in a film directed by Simon & Garfunkel!
Why can't people just be nice?
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September 23rd, 2007
08:25 pm - News At Last!
So many things have happened since I posted last that I hardly know where to begin...
I suppose I should start by making an apology to everyone who has ever felt worried about me during the last three months or so. I didn't mean to worry you, I've just had such a lot on my plate lately that I didn't get around to looking at LJ at all (mostly because I have no internet connection at my house). I didn't know what people were saying until I worked out how to connect to the internet via my phone. Then I read some concerned comments and decided I MUST update. I really appreciate the fact that people care enough about me to read my journal and to think about what is happening to me when I am not posting. You're all lovely.
Anyway, here goes with the news.
I mentioned a while back that I was going to get a divorce and since then I have taken the even more dramatic step of actually packing my bags (stuffing Brandon into one of them) and leaving home. I didn't sneak off in the night (I told my husband I was going) but it still felt incredibly adventurous to leave behind my home of so many years and to move so far away...Because, you know, Manchester IS far away. Far away from Brighton anyway. Not far from unimag though. In fact, Brandon and I live just down the road from Unimag now, in the Longsight district, recently described by the BBC as being part of "Manchester's murder triangle". Blimey. If I get shot you can all link back to this entry and go "OMG!!!1!! she predicted it herself!!11!". So anyway, yeah, I'm living near Unimag. Super sleuths, psychics and plain old gossips amongst you will now be patting yourselves on the back (yes, you will too Cindy). This is a public entry, so I'm not going to get graphic on your arses about my relationship with Unimag but suffice to say that we share much warmth under the cold, grey Manchester skies and we are both very happy that I am here.
Brandon like Manchester very much. He likes the area, he likes the wide ethnic diversity and he likes Unimag's Mum...In fact the pair of them are inseparable and share gossip, laughs, food and puzzle books like they've know each-other forever. I'm really glad they hit it off, as it means they can amuse one another whilst Unimag and I watch back to back episodes of Babylon 5, in PEACE. Cool. Tomorrow Brandon goes to visit his new school. I'm not sure how he will survive in an inner-city Manchester state school, after nine years in a very expensive posh Brighton school...But we shall see. Keep your fingers crossed that he is tougher than he looks, or funny enough to settle in unscathed. I expect it'll be OK.
I should go now but I will be back soonish, with some amusing entry or other. I can't check my comments as often as I'd like but I will certainly deal with them all in time. I may even be able to get my head out of my own bottom and read some entries by other people. Face it, I need to get my own internet connection soon, even if it means selling Brandon to the Gypsies. Meanwhile, I'll be trying to keep things going from Unimag's PC, bless him. And he's going to kick-start his LJ again too...Because he is a genius and he can't leave it dormant. So look out for that.
Whew. I guess that's enough news to be going on with isn't it? It had better be, I can't do stuff like this every three months, even to keep you lot amused!
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June 25th, 2007
11:41 pm - Lipstick
When girlie singers on TV get their hair stuck to their lipstick during a song, why don't they just pull it out of the way with a finger? Why do they shake their heads about hoping it will unstick, or just ignore it? It doesn't look more "professional" and it isn't fooling me AT ALL. I just sit shouting at the TV,
"Your hair is stuck to your lipstick and I'm feeling a bit sick now! Get it OFF you daft bitch!".
Ewww.
And why don't interviewers stop interviewing people who have white gunge forming in the corners of their mouths and tell them?
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June 22nd, 2007
09:11 pm - Ali G? Is That You?
OK, I have to pimp THIS OLD BUT BRILLIANT PROJECT.
You take a picture of your face, and then split it down the middle. Mirror each half of the pic so that you end up with two faces, one made up of two right-halves, and one made up of two left-ones.
It is supposed to show the two different sides of your personality, or something. Check out the results. Or join in...
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June 21st, 2007
07:31 pm - Mobile Music
It's ages since I posted, isn't it? I know all of you have noticed, because a flood of literally ONE comment (complaining that I should post again) has come in. I'm touched that so many of you have clearly chosen tarpo to be the spokesman for your disappointment.
The thing is I've been busy. Mostly I've been busy acquiring music for my excellent new mobile phone. I must say that putting music on my phone is incredibly easy and straightforward...All I had to do was to fly to Manchester, wear a low-cut top and ask unimag to do it for me. Within a very short space of time I had all the music a girl could want AND (as a side-effect) THIRTY photographs of Unimag, downloaded from Unimag's computer and saved in my phone's "Pictures" by accident (he tells me). Imagine that.
As is always the case, my long weekend in Manchester was fun. People would pay good money to see Unimag and I perform the dance movements to "Blame it on the Boogie". We also went to the "Curry Mile" and took in the atmosphere, before going into a curry house and having a really excellent meal. Oh and OF COURSE we watched more MST3K. Oh and his Mum did her usual trick of waiting until I'd gone out and then dressing up in my clothes, explaining that she wanted to see what they looked like "even though they are too big for me darlin'". Blimmin' cheek.
I'll let her off, she makes an excellent cheese and onion pie.
P.S.
I know happy posts are boring, so check out this bloke on YouTube being David Blaine...
Hilarious
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June 11th, 2007
08:14 pm - Pirate Master
It was with great excitement that Little Gay Brandon (11) sat down to watch our two recorded episodes of PIRATE MASTER, an American "reality" TV show, that they are generously sharing with us lot in the UK. Brandon LOVES reality TV, plus he loves pirates...So what could go wrong? I sat down with him, because he assured me that this show was going to be SO GOOD.
It started. About 3 mins in Brandon and I glanced at each-other and pulled the "How fucking cheesy is this?" face.
About 5 mins in they pulled a big chest of "treasure" out of the sea and a fat American contestant guy (dressed as a "pirate") looked at the camera and went,
"WHEN I SAW THAT BIG OLE CHEST COMING OUT OF THE WATER I THOUGHT 'I'VE GOT TO GET ME SOME OF THAT'! HAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHA!".
Brandon looked at me and I nodded. He pressed a button on the remote that took us to the TV "Planner". Then he deleted both episodes in silence.
I laughed.
Brandon looked at me earnestly,
"We shall never speak of this again." he said.
And he was almost right.
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07:54 pm - Amy Winehouse, live.
This link leads to a really nice interview with Amy Winehouse and four great live songs. It's a really fucking annoying website, so you have to sit through a boring (short) radio advert, before you get to the interview...But it IS worth it. Oh, and click on one of the songs before the interview finishes completely, or they disappear and you get some other crap. Personally I think her version of "Valerie" on here is INCREDIBLE.
http://dl.aol.com/index.html?date=2007-01-29&video=1
Amy Winehouse isn't everyone's cup of tea but I am really moved by her voice and I adore how fucked up she looks. I need to buy her album.
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June 2nd, 2007
10:57 pm - I Couldn't Help Myself.
Recently I got a new mobile phone. I got a really cool one, because I set up a contract and they bloody GAVE me a kickass Sony Ericsson 880. I am the envy of all I meet.
Anyway, whilst I was choosing which phone I wanted, a salesman decided to help. I'm terribly girly about such things and he soon realised that I couldn't judge phones without seeing them demonstrated. He told me that he had some working phones set up at the back of the shop, then added:
"I've got a Nokia in my pocket". To which I simply COULD NOT help replying,
"Really? I thought you were just pleased to see me!".
My how we laughed. Well, I did...He blushed like a little girl.
Hahahaha!
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