oooOo so much better.

Gary is locked in my shower. I wish he would effin come out. I dont care if he's pissed I WANT TO SHOWER.

I hope everything I want to record tomorrow records.

I have book club and workout and then watching tv. Gary is gone for like 5 days so I have the apartment to myself. In a way its nice.

Okay thunder lighting gotta go

I thought I was doing better. I'm not. Life is giving me limes, and I'm like "where the fuck are my lemons?" and then i proceed to throw up on life.

Apparently I am wasted at this life party.

I know I'm going to go cry in the bathroom now. I am so bloody unhappy.

Sleep sleep sleep it away.

David texted me last night to say hey what's up. For once I was happy to hear from but not the same as before. He asked me what had been going on and I explained things to him. And of course he was David and treat about it but then he got into horny david mode and u know what, I was tired and we had had this long talk about how he didnt want a serious relationship. I mean I'm sorry but he knows thats what I want and I can't just turn it off and on and off. He said he might come over tonite (Thursday night) and I told him great, I would love to see him. Then he asked me to do something for him and I basically replied, why give away the eggs when the hen is just down the street. use memories.

I mean seriously. Then he replies "If thats what you really think your way off."

I have no idea what he means but of course, being who I am I immediately feel bad and apologize for any confusion but u know what, what the hell am i apologizing for? You want to be friends and I said okay id love to be friends and then you dont talk to me for weeks, you dont answer my texts, or my phone calls and then you wonder why i dont leave cute little voice mails like i used to and other things like that? BECAUSE WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. Im not putting myself on a limb anymore just for you to get close to me and back up because you are scared or you dont want to be with me. He says he would never use me and if it ever feels like he is to let him know. Well David, when you ask me to be naughty with you and then get all offended when I tell you no, use your imagination YOU ARE USING ME.

And dude, I totally deserve not to be used.

I dont know how long its going to last. We will see.

I wasn't a good companion at lunch today. I wanted to try but sometimes its just easier, its easier not to.

But I can't be dour with good friends. Which means that sometimes I have to make the choice between remaining down or letting people pick me back up.

Joey bought me all the rice krispies that the Starbucks down the street had to make me happy. Damnit, it was a really nice gesture. Im not good at accepting them but it made me happy. I dont get a lot of nice gestures that I dont have to make up for, you know.

Brandon is being really awesome lately too. I think he is just trying to stay together and happy and not drown in the messes that are rising up.

I know its hard though.

I just need my world to...I need my world to make sense. I need to know that I am alive for something thats others than my friends needing me. You know my whole life Ive felt like Ive had a huge purpose. Not like, nationally known purpose, but something worth waking up for. I gots nothing to wake up for.

I mean dont get me wrong, I have many amazing things going on in my life. But I dont wake up excited anymore. I barely get out of bed on time. And I dont think its my job.

Anyways this post is going south, again so I am just going to eat my treat and say thank you.

thank you.

I am not taking things well and I have NO idea why. Iuno. I just feel like I can't juggle. I mean, I'm trying. But I'm getting more and more worried about things that no one else seems to be worried about.

And I have to wonder why I am so sensitive? Why do I care so much? Why do I ALWAYS care so much about everyone else and everything else?

I havent really been paying attention to my own stuff lately. And I'm trying. I keep trying. Its only slowly working. I mean I signed up for shit and I gotta get college books this week. Im looking into some creative writing courses at SMU.

I dont know. All I do is sleep. All I want to do is sleep. I dont like changes but I work with them. This reminds me of the time I was in at school at Emerson and all I did was sleep. I was so unhappy.

I am so unhappy.

And I'm tired of being "bitter". I want to be happy again, and I want to feel special with that someone again.

I am also sick of being threatened I am going to lose my job. Im very tired of that. I am stressed enough as it is and going to work used to be my calm time. My time to work and get things done, to know whats going on. But every day, every week is like a mini battle and its for no damn reason. I love my job and I love my co workers and I definetly dont want to be looking for another one at the moment, but....but I dont know.

I think TIRED just explains everything right now. I need to take my stimulus check, and leave, for a week and just be CARE FUCKING FREE.

I cry a lot more now.

I'm puffy and sometimes my headache reappears but I am good. I took today off from work. Not working, just the office and having to interact with other people. Unfournately people chose today to interact with me anyways. And they got a different Danita. I wasn't going to hide it but I wish she wasn't provoked to speak.

I am utterly tired. Crying will do that to you, as many of you know.

I am about to go have dinner with Brandon. Terry and him broke up. Things seem to be a mess everywhere I look. But, it wont be forever.

I registered for school today. With all the dread I gave it it was ridiculously easy and pretty cheap. 234$ for two classes that will last about 4 weeks a piece. I have no reason not to get a degree and with each passing day I have more and more reasons to get that little piece of paper that so many people want to see before entrusting a job, a responsibilities, a loan, anything in my hands. I find it silly. But if you want to pay me 30,000 more for silly than fine by me.

I have a path. I am excited, treading it lightly. I am still lonely but that cannot be fixed over night. And really, at the back of my mind I know that everything is okay. Sometimes your mind and your body just needs to grieve. And sometimes you need to just get over yourself.

Its times like these were I am ripe with sadness that I think of killing myself. Not even in a major way. Just that I am so sad surely I will just die. I hurt so much, and I am just oh so tired. I can't be strong right now. I'm weak and all I want is someone to take that weakness and shelter it.

And I have no one that can shelter it the way it should be kept.

And it makes me want to give up.

Like I said. Ive gotten nothing done today. And i realize today isnt over but i really want to spend the rest of it drinking margarita's on the couch and helping my friend be happy.

margaritas margaritas margaritas.

need i say more?

I am about to soak in the tub and dissolve all my fears.

Its really funny, when i meet a guy off the internet they usually google me and usually come across my journal and they always think i am this amazing senstive creature. And im always like, even if thats true it probably translates into annoying harpy in the real world.

im tired and lonely. I have some things to do today but i doubt i will get to many of them. im ready for a real vacay. like...go somewhere i have never been with maybe one friend and relax and not care.

totes ready.

also im ready for a relationship. just putting that out there to the universe and whatnot.

Ah, Thursdays. A night of AMAZING tv.

Things are going good at work, finally. I mean they arent spectacular but I have been plenty busy this week and i LOVE that. I have to work on ginnies website pretty soon her and maybe my own if i find the time. A lot of things I have to do, like grab the books for my book clubs.

There is this costume party going on this Saturday for Dallas Singles im thinking about going to. I just really dont want to go alone, but you know I have no other way to meet people.

I also need to start looking at college crap soon. I have to go enroll =( and thats OH SO ANNOYING. Especially since I have been doing badly in the last year PLUS im going to have to start paying for my own schooling at the moment. Its way easier to do that then to fill out all the forms and whatnot for financial aid. Plus since im only going like half time, i honestly can afford to pay for it myself. No sense taking money from other people that need it.

I talked to David yesterday. It was...I miss having real conversations with him. Things are so hetic with both of us that its more like texting ships passing in the night. But whatevs.

Im loving my new hair cut more and more each day. You can check it out on my myspace. www.myspace.com/simplypoetic . Also please enjoy the song on my profile. It is NSFW just fyi.

Im going to go run a bath and soak before watching the new south park that I havent gotten to watch. Nothing is going on with like, any of my own projects, but they will. I just got a lot of things to accomplish right now.

I am in limbo people. Limbo!

I haave been single way too long and I have no idea what to do about it. What am i to them? What is going onnnnnnnn.

Just utterly confused.

I need a new swimsuit. I chopped off all my hair. Its actually REALLY awesome. Im going to need Gary to come home soon.

Im tired and sometimes journaling is really tiring.

I have drastically mistaken what is going on in my life. So now I am looking around with clear contacts on trying to see exactly whats going on and where things fit.

I'm scared but I'm a good commodity so we will see whats a happenin out there for me.

I haven't talked to David in a couple of days. Its kinda poopy and I miss him. And of course being the girl I am I'm swamped with thoughts of "does he missa me? is he thinking about me? doesn't he wish he could text me".

And being a confident lass I answer yes to all those.

But when its dark and i'm in bed only the words "maybe" echo back.

I totally miss David. I miss kissing him, talking to him, making him laugh.

Which is really silly cause I just talked to him this morning.

Boo.

I have no motherfucking IDEA what im doing. Why does watching Eli Stone make me realize that? WTF mate.

Sass

As soon as you become rich/famous, do you have to immediately go out and buy expensive shit or is there like a waiting period? I mean, someone just let me know. I dont want to be famous for 4 months and come to find out I can't shop at Target anymore.

Here's the thing. I'm pretty tired of people yelling at me.

The dates didn't go as well as I though they would, which is fine. I feel better everytime I ask someone out, everytime I try to find someone to connect to. So you know. Whatevs.

Things are work are WEIRD. And not the good kind.

I am loving the fact that Gary lives with me. It's fun and he helps me productive and get things done. YAY. Plus we always go on these random trips, like yesterday we went to Ikea randomly.
I will NEVER go on a Saturday afternoon ever again.

My apartment is shaping up to be really cute see:
http://picasaweb.google.com/danita.rambo/Apartment

Saturday night my boss rented out a theatre at Marly's apt complex and we watched Stardust and drank margaritas and ate a lot of bad food. Best. Time. Ever.

Anywho, today was my Mom's birthday. Her friends and my friends gathered round at Applebees to wish her happy birthday.

I kinda dont feel good at all. I feelk kinda emotionally stunted. From like everyone.

Living is hard.

I need a scapegoat.

Im confused.

I got my tax return. Fuck yeah bitches!

You are a moron. You talk to me for months, you date me for a while, we are in a motherfucking relationship and then you just blip off my radar. You are just gone and I call and I text and then I stop. I worry but I stop. And I cant just ask someone where you are because I dont know anyone. And so for 3 weeks its nothing.

And then you accidentally call me looking for someone else.

How MORONIC are you? If there was any sign that you were a fucking idiot, that would be a big one.

Glad to know you arent dead, wish I could have given you herpes.

xoxo
Danita

I REALLY need to take back most of what I spent this weekend.

Well I paid for half of a washer. SO worth it but I need my dang tax return. COME ON tax return this week!

Hi. Hello. I hate you. Goodbye.

My journal is a miss mash of unrequited angst and toilet paper theories. I'm going to go to my work bathroom and cry.

I need to make more money AND i really love my job.

Conflict of interest no?

This side gig better get a lot busier soon...

Also how much do I DESERVE these shoes?

OMG MY FRAKKING HAIR IS MAKING ME FRAKKING STRESSED. WHICH IS JUST STRESSING MY HAIR.

I dont know what to do. Is it time to shave my head and wear a wig for the rest of the year until my hair grows healthy or let it fuck up while making it healthier and healthier. i swear to god if i looked good with short hair i would be all about cutting this shit off right now.


Im tired. And fat. And kinda lonely. And this man fast is taking too long.

At least my apt is clean.

I dont have ice cream, ive gained 3 lbs, i dont have anyone to snuggle with, and its rainy - perfect weather for curling up on the couch and reading and I DONT HAVE A COUCH.

So yeah, just a leeeetle bit cranky.

im behind im behind im behind. Ugh!

I have mooned Jerry Springer 3 times today. Thank god all black butts look alike.

Sometimes if I look up I realize I have a truly amazing life.
I dont have to ask anyone to do anything or go anywhere. I have great friends, family, a cozy home that is slowly becoming my own.

So I am grateful. Just have to remember to look up every once in a while.

Becky has put me on a man fast so we will see how long that last. So far I have no men in the picture and I am not allowed to be intimate or have ridiclious virtual relationships. This shall be challenging.

In other news my friend Marly is moving to Dallas. SO EXCITED. I see her every day at work anyways but now she will be close enough to hang out with. Which TA DA thats great. I also get my tax return soon, knock on wood so YAY finally a fucking couch. And bedroom stuff...and I can start buying real things. Im excited.

Hahaha i get excited about the weirdest things.

Seriously, what the HELL is up with men disappearing on me. I havent talked to Jon since like Wednesday and he isn't answering his phone either. So.Not.Like.Him.

And I have no idea WHAT to do, besides like worry, because I keep getting involved with men that have me at a distance. So I cant like ask anyone, cause I dont know anyone.

Soooooooooooo I throw my hands in the air.

Heathers Wedding was this weekend and it was quite the affair, to remember. Get it? Ha I am soooooooooo awake.

Her dress was amazing and the ceremony was nice but the party afterwards was the thing. Of course being the lightweight that I am I get tanked within an hour of it. But you know what, I looked amazing, I had a great time, I was fantastic and I have totally never felt better about myself than I do today.

I'm feeling fan fucking tastic.

I miss AJ

I am like motherfucking up motherfucking down.

I am tired of being the see saw of my own emotions.

People have been pissing me off right and left and I have just been letting them. One of my friends is in need and Im kinda sucking at the situation right now. I pretty much feel worthless and like a waste of space.

And then 5 minutes later I will realize how awesome I am and how i am invincible and can accomplish anything.

And then I will remember that I do stupid shit and always fuck up.

I AM TIRED OF THESE EMOTIONS.

Drugs cannot cure anything and I really dont want to start on the path of popping pills to control my emotions. Another reason I dont think I will ever seek therapy. I am unhappy but it is only for a moment.

And moments really dont last a life time.

I need Wachovia to get on the ball. I need this weekend to be over. I need my tax return to arrive. I need a fit of inspiration and I need to accomplish my goals.

My big beautiful goals. They are kinda nothing without work. And work scares me as we all know. Maybe I am just shitting myself again.

Im involved with a guy, he takes my crazy and puts it in a blender and makes happy souffle. Its not ideal but when is anything. Anywyas I have no attachements yet because everything falls apart.

Maybe I am just scared that stuff one day wont.

Im not happy.

Sometimes my job worries me more and more every day.

Sigh.

I was so random this weekend. A bunch of my friends and I piled in my car on Saturday and drove to Shreveport LA to gamble. It was my first time gambling and suffice it so say kinda my last time. I only lost about 30 dollars but I lost 30 dollars and got NOTHING BACK. That boggles my mind. I would rather lose 30 bucks on some product.

Life has been complacently consistent lately. I go to work I go home, I hang out with my friends.

The only awesome is that I met this awesome lady who is a publisher and has just been in the industry before I could even say the word industry. I have a lot to learn and she has a lot to give so that is awesome. I am also creating her an author's website which is pretty cool in itself. I need the dinero.

I am so bad with finances. But really when do I have to be good? SOON otherwise I wont be able to you know pay for college. And I AM going back this summer.

Heathers bacherlorette party is this weekend and her wedding is the next. She asked me to be a bridesmaid but I just cant afford it. If the wedding was in Dallas I could but with travel costs and the fact that I cant just eat other peoples food when I'm there I am so tapped out. I am just tapped out. Moving, not the cost of the apt, but moving has put me so behind. I never imagined it would.

I am behind on my car payment and I just need my tax return so I can catch up. Argh.

Tax return plans:
Car payment - 423.00
Credit Card payoffs - 175.00 + 350.00
Shazia credit card - as much as possible
Couch - 500 -800$
Passport - 100$

So I have a myriad of options to spend my money on. Woot! Gotta love choices.

I should update more often.

I have been saying the words fierce a lot. Damn you project runway.

So I started talking to jon and david again. I am ignoring being vague at the moment because I no longer care. I like jon and I like david. But its all so fucking complicated and difficult. David is supposed to come over and watch Lost tomorrow but considering he hasn't really talked to me in the last couple of days who knows if that will happen. I really want to see him though.

We have like amaza-bond and I don't know. It just sucks and sometimes I miss him.

I feel like the loser on the play ground this week too. Maybe its just hormones. I need my friend to move here so that I an equal player in the field to go out and meet some freaking people.

I'm so sad.

But ommmmmmmmg its hard. I just wish for things and they dont happen and it makes me sad.

And then my imagination starts to go all "lets make Danita cry" and then i start bawling and...

well it just never stops.

i was so happy there for a minute.

I am bloody useless today. I am tired and need to go home and sleep and refresh. Plus I am all sorts of sore and bloaty. These symptoms does not a pretty Danita make.

I am sorta like extraordinarily aggravated at Becky. I asked her to do me a favor, which on the scale of 1 - 10 10 being bail me out of jail and 1 being getting my a coke from the fridge was around a 7, when she didnt do it that was crappy enough. But you know its like, it doesnt matter. It just doesn't matter to her. And Im tired. I know it wasn't life or death but I asked and she said yes and so I should have been top on her list of things to get done this weekend. And I just wasn't. And that hurts a lot, alot more than it should. Sometimes its like I should just give up on being her friend. If she was a boy we would have broken up by now.

I feel like I dont ask a lot from her and shes supposed to be my best friend in the entire world. Shes supposed to be my sister, you know. I told her this morning thanks for doing the favor and she says im sorry i forgot. And I cant just say its okay. Because its not. Because I am meaningless to her in this moment.

I am so very tired.

I got curtains for my housewarming.

We kinda put them up badly and too high ( my fault)

I want a boy to come and fix them. Brannnndonnnn Brannndooonn.

Sigh, I am going to deal with it until tomorrow though, cause you know Im effin tired and cranky.

I am having some sort of crisis. Crying begins at 10:00 please RSVP by 9:00.

I have so many things to say but I think IM going to try sleeping again. If that doesn't work Im going to go rent Mansfield Park and Bridget Jones and live my life.

i am so tired and i have no time for anything. except sitting around. and i have no cable. its quite boring. im emotionally eating. poof im fat

Its moving day yay!

I want juice. Juice juice juice.

Im already tired. Nap time!

Umm if you have people moving out /transferring on a regular basis you should have a SET GUIDELINE of shit to follow. New or not, there is no excuse. I dont want to pay for your mistakes.

My apt complex does a random walk through about 15 days BEFORE my lease is up (when my house is gone to shit cause im packing) and also the day BEFORE I move up to approve my transfer card. the day before i go sign the new lease papers. So i get pissed and asked why they put it off this long if it was going to mean me moving out or me being fucked. They have been "back up".

And so when they give me the lo-down a scant 30 minutes later at 5 PM at night(the day before) they tell me i owe through my 30 day lease (which like duh i will pay on the first as you are supposed to pay!) and that they want me to pay 65 bucks for the kitchen counters as there are some knife marks. But they want the money tomorrow morning, or they wont approve the transfer papers. Oh and they want next months rent too tomorrow or they wont approve them. Oh and they are sorry no one told me this and that no one is in the office to talk to me about it. But I can try back tomorrow morning.

I WAS PISSED.

I mean come on. I gave notice AND told them I was transferring and they didn't say boo. They said "aweesome your good, lata!"

Now weeks later at the last moment they are pulling this crap. PLUS it says in my lease that all damages and charges comes out of my security deposit. It says no where I have to pay up front before I can transfer apts.

Also rent is due on the FIRST not the day before I transfer to a new apartment.

So i am pissed, and upset, and hoping that tomorrow I dont stick my foot in my mouth when I go to talk to them. Cause I want to move into this apt. Really badly. But I just DONT have 200 dollars to throw at them right now. If I had known I would have to pay Febs rent and damages which should come out my security deposit (which by the way they are doing another walk through AFTER I move out, why i have no idea, they just did one...am I going to punch holes in the wall or something?) I would have fucking budgeted for that.

so...im going to try so hard not to say or act stupid. But I also dont want to just give in and write a hot check. I think im going to have to act superior and just state what I want, show them my lease and see what they say. I mean no where is this stuff outlined.

Im supposed to move tomorrow =(

Okay so all i can talk about is moving. I can listen, I can nod but hi something major is happening in my life. Im going to be selfish. This is my very first apartment that I picked and whatnot bymyself and whatnot.

Where the fuck are my Pampers?

So I will continue to drone on about my apartment until Sunday. Bring ear plugs if you must.

I'm here. I'm alive.

I woke up and I am trying to be upper. But its not really working out.


I am like in this state of anxiety, over so many things. 

I think about AJ sometimes. Not really like "Oh I miss him so much I could die". More like "I wonder if hes alive and how he is doing."

I hope he is doing something productive and is happy. That would make me very happy to know.

I deleted you off all my lists. It wasn't like you were actively engaging me anyways.


She moves in secret ways
And there is grace and poised perfection when she takes the helm

im lonely and i dont think anyone really understands.

i want to do something great. i want to leave some sort of creative mark on this world.

and i gots nothing.

Wow, Im pretty sure Green Mountain just gave me the green light on electricity. Even if they are high as hell I wont care one bit.

THANK YOU GOD

• I am sick


• I am trying to move.


• Getting fucking electricity in my name is ridiculous right now. I have NEVER had it in my name.

TXU says I owe a balance from a zip code I have never lived in and which is not on my credit at all.
Reliant wants 275 bucks or a guaranteer (if anyone would like to apply I will pay them 100 bucks)
Green Mountain hasn't asked for anything yet but god only knows.

• My apartment is a mess.


• My closet is filled to the brim with crap.


• Did I mention I was sick?


• And I thought my peaceful time would be at work this week and next but I can just scratch my glad place with that thought.

I AM SO STRESSED.

Oh and my BlackBerry is trying to hit the shitter. I have wiped it, reformatted it, and thrown it and it still is doing the same damn thing.

chant
"I will get through this month I will get through this month."

Damn you January!

I am now officially fucking rid of you.

Good luck in future endeavors, asshole.

I hate you so much right now. I hate the fact that you led me on and I hate the fact that you let me down.

And understandably, im more confused than ever now.

It's my fucking birthday bitches.



I'm drunk.


Clothing and comments optional.

Okay seriously, I am dreading going to NY. Why do you ask? Because I hate change, and im snotty, and its my birthday and I friggin want to have fun and a good time and DAMNIT I WANT MY BIRTHDAY TO BE SPECIAL.


and i just sense impending disappointment.

Im trying to decide whether to sit around and paint my nails or have sex. You would think it wouldnt be that big of a decision but im kinda not caring about men right now.

I really want to go into the bathroom and cry. I really really really just want to cry. Alot.

But I am at work and cant. And I have to see my mom after work. And then I will go home and switch out all my sheets, clean my room, and pretend I never wanted to cry in the first place.

Because thats what I do.

Dude, I am so fucking tired. I have to get hair done this morning spring my mom from the hospital and find something to do with my weekend that is entertaining and free.

Fucking is free isn't it?

Just kidding.

Maybe.


"Its time to put the homo back in homosexual Will!"



Did I mention I was fucking tired. And that I totally give up on relations with any men for the next couple of weeks. Too much shit going on in my life and everyone is busy anyways. And by everyone I only mean like one person. Cause Im retarded.



Does anyone remember when I journaled compulsively in high school about being more than one person and feeling like I was always faking things and lying to be interesting to people. I think Ive started to do it again and Im not exactly sure why. Its being nipped in the bud as we speak but it really freaked me out to think I could do something like that again. That was such a confusing portion of my life and the person who helped me get through it is no longer around. And I really dont want to have to seek out a friend to pull me through that shit again.

Speaking of good friends, I have some. And they have penises. And arent gay. Surprise surprise.

I have some pleasant but surprising things happening at home. More about that in a different entry though.

I am so freaking tired and I am not sleeping well at all. A new mattress would help but so would a new routine for my cats. I really have to play with them more before bed time so they get tired. They are KILLING me and as soon as they are hungry and theres no food, oh dude its on.

But I still adore them.

I am looking all sorts of scruffy today. No make up, 2 head scarves, no lotion.

I went to take my rings off to put on lotion this morning and then remmebered they were gone. I started to cry but I sucked it up.

Im good at that.


This month will stop being hard one day. I hope that making this month easier doesnt mean I will forget though. I dont think anyone can ever forget the people that created them. Instilled values in their life and so forth.

Hehe I am penny pinching, just like my grandfather but I defintely have my grandmas over abundance to take anything and anyone under her wing. I have traits from my mother too like my sense of humor and my face but right now I still have her. Which means I dont have to miss her as much if I dont want to.

She has breast surgery this Friday. Cross fingers no complications or anything.