Tim's Live Journal

Language. Words. Is there really anything original out there? Words that haven't been spoken? Feeling which haven't been felt? Experiences that haven't been had? Sometimes life feels like its like a big experiment and we're all repeating the same cycle. Technology changes, but human nature stays as it is. Desires universal. Our needs haven't been any different than it was thousands of years ago. Coupling, the need for coupling, the need for love, friendship, and the longing we feel without them. The things we go through to substitute for them. Can we transcend this pattern? Is the option available to us? Have we reached our limits to understand -to grow emotionally? I'd be lying if I said that life sometimes feels like a bad joke. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't expect more from others and myself.

OK I promised myself that I would never talk about politics but... although I want Obama to win, I think McCain will be our next president... :(

The last entry I made was, well, a drunken one -which only means that I wrote with less social restraint then I normally would. In any case, after being talked off the roof of outside my room -not a suicide attempt btw, I found myself alone with my computer and a laptop, the key being that I had access to the outside world. Now if you think about being mad and obnoxious in a public place, think about goint to another person's house party and telling her and her friends that she's exhibitionist, egotistical, and pretentious slut for plastering semi-naked shots of herself on her walls. Not THAT my friends, is fucked up. Needless to say I received an angry, yet surprisingly thoughtfully-written, letter the next day telling me that I had left a bad first and last impression and how I didn't know her well enough to know that the pictures were posted because she was so confident (proud?) of her body. Whether or not I agree to what she thinks of herself or the her defense of her butt shots, doesn't matter. The question I have is this, if you have a public blog, shouldn't you be open to critiques on your postings? I'll agree that my post was very insulting to her and those who gleefully 'supported' her self-shot butt pictures, but was it wrong for me to post my thoughts? Don't misunderstand, I'm not looking for absolution for my actions, but I'm asking in general -what do we expect to receive from others when posting a public blog?

Let's say my comment was less harsh and more observant. What of instead of attacking her character, I merely said that I found her ass to be on the large-side and that in my honest and non-insulting opinion she could stand to lose more weight -would I receive the same email response from her? What role does 'hurt feelings' play in the censorship of public-blog responses?

Oh Humanity, you find others boring, because you are so caught up with yourself to listen.

Some recent experiences have lead me to realize what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship. I've been told that I don't give people a chance, but there's a reason for that -most girls that I meet up with simply DON'T LISTEN or THINK about what I have to say, and if it's like that from the beginning then its only going to get worse.

I make a conscious effort to listen (and if you know me that takes a lot of effort), and I respond thoughtfully. I ask the important questions, what do you do, what do you aspire to, etc...and I get answers, but when its the other way around, well, the level of reciprocation is not enough for me -and I'm not the type of person who can commit to that type of relationship.

Most of the women I meet don't think. They don't read books like 'The Fountainhead' by Ann Rand and the ideals she's trying to get across. They read books like Harry Potter (which I've read and found to be entertaining), books that aren't thought provoking -books that don't require them to question the world around them and their own understanding of it. I'm not saying that I'm too smart for them. If anything I'm most likely of a lower brain capacity (IQ whatever), but at least I 'try' to go beyond my own understanding of things, and wish to talk to someone about them.

A lot of the girls that I've dated are smart, but they're not focused and selfish. Is it just me, or can I make a generality here?

Why are people so afraid of defying convention and expressing what they REALLY think instead of what they're told to think? I truly believe that everyone is an individual who think of life differently, but are afraid to express themselves because they don't want to be 'rejected' by others. But don't they see that that's what life is truly about? That's character. That's individualism. And that's honesty, integrity, and above all what changes the world.

I will not settle for anything less. I will not settle for rehashed thoughts and ideals which cause others to not understand or listen to my challenge. It is not only a selfish person who does so, but also one who can never truly share or admit who they are.

I get so caught up in life that sometimes I forget that there is a darkness that goes further than bad days. I think everyone has panic attacks from time to time so I'm sure that its universal. The darkness, a mixture of worry, uncertainty, and doubt. The future is always involved somehow. I went through that last night. The past and future collided and the finality of life was revealed to me. Depressing though it is, I feel that there's a certain 'grounding' that occurs in these moments. A reminder of the fragility of life makes it that much more precious.


Currently I've been reading 'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy. His vision of a post-apocalyptic future and humanity's response to desperate situations, is both depressing and uplifting...

I just love Saul Bass' style. I'm going to see the movie just 'cause of it.

I'm hooked.

After my first heartbreak in college, I designed a poster for a project that said something like, "A tear falls for every promise broken" (paraphrasing). A couple of years ago, I had a chance to revisit heartbreak for the second time, and I made a promise to myself to never hurt someone the way that I was hurt.

Now I realize that no matter what your intentions are, such promises can't be made and you can't avoid being the reason nor the victim of heartbreak.


This is going to ruin the seriousness of this post, but I couldn't help but hear this in my mind after all the years. (I actually have the 'record')

i'm scared that things are becoming too serious so fast, and yet i don't know if it's me or her. i don't want to say anything until i know for sure. in the meantime, i don't feel as though i'm being completely honest with myself and with her.

sometimes the fact that she's seems so desperate to want to be in a 'relationship' worries me. as with most people her age, she's been through heart break and carries the scars. it just seems as though hers are still bleeding. i should be more understanding, since i know what it's like, but at this point in my life i'm over it. she's obviously not, and it's affecting our relationship.

i want to bring it up, but at the same time i'm worried about it ruining things. maybe if i stick with it, i'll be able to get over my fear of intimacy and commitment -in which case, it is MY problem. on the other hand, maybe i'm responding completely normal to what i'm feeling is 'needy-ness' on her part...

Now and then I'll have a dream about a girlfriend I had in college followed by a day of emotional duress. Sometimes I'll go a year without one, but it's more than likely that I'll have at least one the following year. I had one last night and woke up feeling as though my life has been slipping away. So much time has past, and though I've lost feeling for her long ago, I still find myself as relationship-ly clueless as I was then.

For the past couple of months, I've been neglecting social interaction for work. I've literally gotten into the 'habit' of working 14 hour days. Albeit a lot of it is because I love the project I'm on, I can't help to think that my subconscious is telling me to slow down.

Out of curiosity I googled the meaning to the dream and this came up:

"The dream is trying to tell you not to make the same relationship mistakes that ended that relationship. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected."

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not like other people. I simply don’t fit in. I don’t understand feelings other than my own. It comes off as being selfish, but I just can’t relate to others. I see things different. Yes, I am human, but I’ve always been disconnected and tuned off to the outside world.

I’ve been struggling all my life to fit-in, and find myself wondering how I should react to certain things –tying to mimic the nature of others. However the truth is that I find most outside conversations trivial, uninteresting and predictable. This isn’t to say that I feel superior, but that it reinforces my isolation from others. I don’t know what to talk about most times –I can’t have a ‘normal’ conversation without trying –without becoming someone that I’m not. It’s caused me frustration and anxiety whose origins I’ve previously relegated to the mysteries of the subconscious.

I don’t have friendships that last. I haven’t had relationships that have lasted to be considered ‘long-term’. I don’t feel the need to contact or maintain a relationship with my loving family, and don’t understand why or how people care about others –about me. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it, because I’ve never felt it myself.

My friend triggered this epiphany when she said that she couldn’t count on me to be there for her –or for anyone. Obviously this caused me concern because I never realized this before. Since then I have tried so hard to prove that I could be that person who others could depend on, but I haven’t been able to –and this alarms me. This is something I should feel right? It would be easier to change if it could be blamed as being ‘selfish’ or ‘self-absorbed’ but its worse that that, because you can change those things. If you can’t feel it, you have nothing to start from.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m a robot who has been granted emotions that don’t extend outside of my own ego. I feel as though I’m incomplete. I don’t want to be like this, and like I said, I’ve been trying so hard to go beyond my own feelings –to feel empathy for others. But just like love, you can’t force these things.

I want to be like you, but in my 31 years of life, I’ve been trying so hard that I’m exhausted and have come to accept that I am one of those who are born without the understanding of connections between others.

Has it been all an act? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that if I’m not consciously thinking about my involvement with others, my outward nature is that of ‘flightiness’ or absent-mindedness. I forget things. I get things confused and out of order, and lose sense of time. My natural inclinations are opposite of what they should be. What is important to others isn’t important to me. It’s though I’m in another place and I lose myself in it. But it’s where I feel most comfortable and yet the part of me that’s human, the incomplete part, feels so lonely.

With that in mind, I can understand and accept the fact that people will eventually give up on me. Who stay with someone who is unable to reciprocate love?
The human side, the incomplete side of me, feels the resulting pain of loneliness, but the empty side won’t let me cross the boundaries to others. The human part of me fears of being alone, but the empty side leads me to its inevitability.

What am I?

There are days that you do things that you regret, but can't take back. It's like taking an elevator with a bunch of co-workers and farting. Everyone feels uncomfortable but are too polite and embarrassed to say anything. Meanwhile you have 15 more floors to go.

I was in a meeting with six other people and basically told my boss to 'shut up'. OK, it wasn't exactly "shut up" but more like, "I have a problem with you opening your mouth". I forget exactly what he said to prompt me to such an ill-timed, unprofessional response amongst colleges/clients. It's not that I'm intentionally mean, it's just that when I'm in a train of thought and someone interrupts or someone says something offensive I get derailed and say things without thinking about the setting I'm in. Also, my boss is actually my friend and we often joke around outside of work so maybe that has something to do with it. The same thing happened when I was at frog when i told my friend/boss that he made the stupidest design decision (and other things).

If anything I've learned that having a friend as a boss can be difficult, and to think about where we are when I decide to insult them.

Thankfully, everything got resolved in the end (hopefully), and I still have a job (for now).

I'd personally be scared $hitless... Makes me want to download (i mean watch) the movie...

Please marry me ;) -found in the '1998 archives'.

These days I've been lost, but never really knew why I felt this way. The cause is confused with symptoms. Loneliness, ennui, getting older, all these things compounded with the speed that time flies these days.

We are born into this world alone and we leave it alone. What happens in between, the people we meet, love, relationships, success -all these things we need to figure out for ourselves through purpose.

Looking at loneliness as an example: Do we feel lonely because there is no one to give us purpose? To acknowledge our existence? To live for? That would be one's raison d'être.

A family is one's raison d'être. Keeping a relationship going because you love someone is a raison d'être. Achieving one's personal goal is a raison d'être. etc...

Simply put, our journey in life is to find our own raison d'être, for without it we have no purpose and feel lost.

I feel lost right now. My raison d'être is unclear or perhaps not as strong as I would want it to be -what my purpose is at this stage in my life. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to be?

I've had raison d'être in the past. But what is my raison d'être these days? I honestly don't know. I suppose figuring out is part of the journey -for everyone.

I had missed my train again, so I went to the stripmaill across the way and got a bagel and Starbucks. I had 15 minutes to kill and was thinking of sitting down, but being as it is a town with a college nearby, all the tables were taken by students.

“Better to get some fresh air.“ I thought to myself.

I walked back to the train station breakfast in hand, sat on the steps of the antique station, which had long been closed and serving as a reminder that the station had seen many generations of commuters. I actually liked sitting on those wooden steps more so than the plastic seats provided. I felt as though I, by sitting on the same steps, shared in its history. It was interesting thinking that these same steps were once crowded with passengers with different shoes, perhaps bowler hats and hoop skirts. (To be honest, the station was built in 1974, but it bowler hats and hoop skirts are so much cooler than bell-bottoms and platform shoes)

A bunch of ragtag urban soldiers sauntered by. They weren’t military, but a traveling set of nomads. They were so young that at first I thought they were college students doing research on homelessness. Then I remembered reading about people who travel around by foot just for the experience, meeting new people, some who end up joining their ranks, until they formed a group of modern-day gypsies.

It was obvious that they hadn’t showered for weeks at least. Their hair parted in random curls, flattened in different places, and held together by dirt and sweat. They carried large sacks, and wore torn canvas army jackets -similar, but different enough to not be confused with uniforms. Their lose-fitting cargo pants told of the weight they must have lost around their endless trekking.

When one of them came to ask for train money, I didn’t mind giving them what was in my pockets, partially because I sensed they weren’t homeless but also because I envied their courage, spontaneity, and sense of adventure. Entering into the unknown by foot, looking and expecting nothing in particular from the world but learning from it-through raw immersion. They see the world, a world that they have grown up in, as being a much larger place than the sandlot they were trained to live within. To them money is just a means to further their adventure, to get them from place to place and to survive.

You hear about these people, kids who backpack around Thailand in search of adventure, but you never think that there are some who find the same unique experiences in America. A band of traveling vagabonds, who’s only goal in life is living in the moment, and squeezing everything they can out of it. How can one not respect that?

The man and his group were not beggars. I knew it from their sense of companionship. They had chosen this path. Fate hadn’t bestowed misfortune on them. They were having fun and their only concern was finding the next train out to keep moving. And I was more than happy to assist them.

I still had a couple of minutes left so I decided to talk to the man who I had given money to.
Squatting next to him I asked, “So what’s your story? You’re obviously not homeless.”
“Just traveling around man.” He smiled through dazed eyes. In the near distance I could hear one of the girls saying they needed to get on the train to another person in their group.

“Where are you from?” I asked. He mentioned some town in Southern California.
“Wow, how long have you been traveling?”

“A couple of months now. This guy (pointing at another man, and the leader in the group) has been on it for 10 years. Some of us have joined along the way”.

“We’ve been around the train station awhile now. Yesterday some guy took us out for drinks. It was really cool.” The 10-year chimed in.

I wanted to talk to them more, to hear of their adventures, but my train had arrived I thanked them and wished them good luck on their journey. As I stepped in I couldn’t help but feel a bit envious of their courage and camaraderie, knowing that my very nature would never allow me such access to the world and the hidden knowledge it contains.

There are people who live this life and tell stories about their experiences, and there are those who, listen. I am of the latter. Of course, first hand accounts are always better, but I enjoy my sandbox with its windows open to the world.

Spent half the day in orientation and the other half installing software. On the train ride home I bumped into an ex and we ended up sitting next to each other. It was... uncomfortable...

Emotionless eyes hardly blink,
oblivious to those around me,
agreeable and polite only when spoken to,
I walk at a trance-like pace,
Flowing between the crowds as if I were invisible,
nothing in mind but the task which needs to be done

-I hate Costco

I checked my body fat % today and found some interesting results:

BEFORE
140/12% body fat

AFTER
138/7.8% body fat

So while I didn't lose much weight (granted I may have gained a bit during the latter part of yesterday), I lost about 4% body fat. I was expecting the results to be inversed, especially since I wasn't exercising during the 3.5 days...

Even if the body fat analyzer isn't 100% accurate, it's deviation is small enough to show that there was at least a loss of 3%.

In any case, it's glad to see that my 'suffering' wasn't for naught. Now it's time to gain it all back -including toxins... As I write, I'm washing down a peanut/honey sandwich with coffee. :P

Even if you don't decide to ever do the master cleanse diet, I would recommend doing an internal salt water cleanse at least once.

I'm totally weak-sauce! Was hanging out with some friends today and they decided to go eat Pho -I told them it was no big deal and I would stick to having tea. Yeah right! Once I stepped inside the restaurant I knew I was screwed! Well at least I lasted 3.5 days -that's gotta count for something. Anyways, I learned that things like this have to be done with others. Angela, Ray?


Just looking at it again makes my mouth water...