| beneath the base coat lies my reasoning |
[05 Mar 2005|10:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
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music |
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Still Alone by Ayumi Hamasaki |
] |
Justification for My Darkness (aka Why I Like Black?)
People say that black is a dark, brooding, and evil-oriented color. It denotes all things violent and, when worn, is immediately associated with rebellious rabble with no concern for other people's general well-being and immorality.
People associate me with this color, without knowing who I am or what this 'non-color' may truly denote.
Think of the world as a blank canvas on the godly easel of eternity. There are many colors of the palette that help to allow the artist to paint; the potential to give life and acceptance to the dull white canvas, devoid of color. When the one places the brush onto the canvas and begins, color makes its way onto the canvas. This is the beginning of a world of diversity and art; a break from nothingness and desolation. If one were to mix every color together, it would inevitably turn darker--until the mixture resembles or is that of the 'non-color' black. A blank canvas can denote many things; the world, the human or inhuman mind, perhaps even a promise for future generations. One cannot leave a canvas devoid of color, pristine and pale. Without life the canvas is nothing but a pallid corpse. Every color must form into one, to represent a complicated unity that is necessary for both personal and worldly comprehension. So in this sense, black, which some do not consider a color because of its absence of light, is actually every color mixed together. In this sense, white is segregation and a deceased, undead denizen waiting to be revived by color.
People fail to realize that this 'non-color,' as well as I, at times may be misunderstood. I am, by the vast majority, associated with darker connotations. But upon juxtaposing my life to that of the worldly canvas, I am merely complicated. There are more colors within me, that make up this facade of darkness. Within myself, within this darkness, there are endless swirls of color--with this, is acceptance, greater understanding, and greater emotion.
One must merely look close enough into the paint to see the base coat that hides beneath the shadows.
---------------------------------
Some people wonder what life is worth living for. But in the grand scheme of life and death, everything eventually fades away; everything crumbles to dust, ash, then nothing. In the grand scheme of life and death, everything becomes nothing. Nothing is worth living for. But, as I am nothing in many people's eyes, as I myself am nothing--it must mean that I must live for myself. I live for myself.
I think these two small rants can apply to many things, but I've found my reason for living, at least for the moment. I've found my reasoning, and I find that the lessened weight is not as hard to bear on my shoulders.
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| oy vey. |
[01 Mar 2005|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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 eye-stabbing hyperactivity |
] |
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music |
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Daniel Bedingfeld's "If You're Not the One" (shadap iz cool) |
] |
Oh dear. It's 11:20 and I have not started my homework. How...umm...luscious. Well, I just have a Museum of Tolerance reflection essay and two pages of unadulterated Algebra II fun, so I think I can cram it in by two am. How fun...sleep deprivation. But, I'll do this first.
It wasn't really that interesting at school today; the magic of "public school wonders" is gone on me. Seriously. No offense to those that do, but Edison just pisses me off more and more every bloody day of this eski-gnome life of mine. There are very few people there that I am able to tolerate; everyone else I tend to zone out. It's...beautiful. It really is. I feel so one with...uhm...being 'one.' I guess.
Mike and Mark, as well as other people, keep telling me to talk to Joeson. Bloody fucking hell, I'm getting tired of this. He and I have been ignoring each other constantly since I got there, but despite this his 'friends' keep telling me he wants to talk. I'm seriously getting tired of this! Y'know, if he's there tomorrow, I'm just going to walk up to him and talk. Though, it'd be better if the rest of 'em were there too. At least it wouldn't be as awkward-ish.
Peter finally gave me back my bra. Thank whoever's down below. A few days ago, he decided to steal my bra from my house and wear it to school over a pink wife beater and under a net shirt. It was sexy in the most disturbing way possible, I bloody swear. It made me want to molest him. Repeatedly.
After school was the swim meet between Edison and Mater Dei (of course I rooted for the latter; the people, not the school itself). I saw Chris, Sean, Yeshua, Kellie (woo!), Sarah, Rachel, Justine, Ojan, Ben, Brittany, and a bunch of other people I knew. I nearly cried when I saw them all (yes, even in their speedo-clad glory)...gah, sappy moment. It was good for my soul though, I guess. haha Chris's manflesh makes me laugh, though the fact that he has little over 1% fat in his entire body bothers me. That isn't bloody healthy, you wanker! Argh. Makes me feel obese. XP
Kellie, I'm just going to say...you are the heroine with the luscious ass. :) Oh baby oh baby. ^^ I'm so proud of her though...she did the 500 fly under 7 min. 34 sec. Gah, talented sporty people.
Overall, the event was really nice. I sat with Chris's mom throughout parts of it and it reaffirmed how cool I thought she was (I guess she didn't not like me as I thought she did..yay!). We kept making jokes about speedos and stuff. It was odd, but awesome. Me, Kellie, and Chris's mom made Chris feel so uncomfortable when we started talking about more feminine things. Oh bloody hell, that was hilarious. Chris's mom is so cool.
Hmmm...what else...oh, Jared my love has a sinus infection. Gah, so adorable. He needs more sleep. Oy. We made a deal last night that when he'd sleep, I'd sleep (cuz both of us refused to hang up the phone until later, or something like that--he wanted me to sleep but I was under caffiene-deprivation..it oddly made me tired but not enough to desire unconsciousness). It was cute. XD Yes, I said that! Oyyy, I don't care anymore about the whole feminine thing.
I'm just going to reveal now. Seriously. I've gotten tired of the whole 'too feminine,' 'too pink,' 'too preppy,' or what the fuck ever I had the tendency of saying. Sure, I'm still not going to wear Abercrappy and Bitch clothing and will continue to hold a severe distaste of pastel colors, I've just grown tired of remaining in a certain part of the spectrum and not trying different things. So, I don't particularly care anymore. It's too much of a bloody hassle to maintain my 'threatening image of gothic fuxxors,' as one cheerleader expressed in my Chemistry class. Besides, I think it'd be more fun to scare people when they have even less of a clue of how I really act. Though, I'm still wearing the color black in the majority. It's just bloody spiffeh like that.
Ehhh..I'll talk about senior class scheduling tomorrow or Thursday.
I think I've gotten back into the European fashion again. O_o; Yay for corsets?
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| Say it with me--Catholic Administrations Suck!!!!!! |
[11 Feb 2005|04:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Not Meant for Me (Static X) |
] |
Ever feel like you want to bleed someone? Just pile up their hideously botox-failed corpse down into a trench and bury them right when they momentarily regain consciousness, just in time to see that their legs have been removed and replaced with ass plugs and their arms covered in Richard Simmons' ass cum?
Seriously!
I was supposed to go to Winter Formal. But remember that one dean that bitched at me and put all these words in my mouth and was completely fucking disrespectful to my family? Well, here's evidence that she holds a personal vendetta, as does the wrinkly dean that fucking needs to go into retirement for her senility.
1. I turned in my permission form one-two weeks ago. They could have given me a notice that I would be unable to go a long time ago. Instead, she opted for telling me two fucking days before the dance--when everything was already set. So, my mother blew off all that money for nothing.
2. Dean Begany agreed that it was completely blown out of proportion and I should be allowed to go. 2 against 1. The guy lost. Wrinkly bitches won.
3. My mother called and asked if I was 'blacklisted.' The secretary said I had a completely clean record (it surprised me too).
4. Turns out that the Vice Principal (Stringer?), the Head of Student Affairs, the vast majority of the student body, AND a bunch of teachers said that I should be able to go and that it was all cleared...until it reached the deans' office. There, it was rejected without a thought.
5. My friends scheduled a meeting yesterday to meet with Frances Claire (head principal--boss of the bosses, biznatch). Her secretary said that she would definitely be there this morning. Next day comes (today), she's not there. I think one of the deans (iono) said that she wasn't there to my friends. What a coincidence.
6. The blonde dean has been harassing my friends by literally! standing next to the lunch table and listening in on their conversations. O_O..HARASSMENT! I COULD SUE!!! (seriously)
7. The deans accidentally lost my friend's bf's permission form the next day after mine was rejected. Bloody hell, women, don't take what I did out on my friends!!! GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION, you fucking hypocritical assholes!
I could think of more, but I'm tired...being fucking pissed off has made me not care.
I hope you guys have fun at Winter Formal, though. :) I don't really care if I go to the dance, but it's just I want to see you guys/girls so badly...I miss you, for fuck's sake!!!
...BAH.
On the bright side, Jared called and cheered me up. ^^ You're adorable and you bloody know it!!! ^___^ *pinches your cheeks* Awww...I love you!!!
(P.S. To Jochi <3--didja get my letter? :-/ )
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| Normalcy is an Oddity |
[06 Jan 2005|03:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ORIGINAL Phantom of the Opera(not new one, u f*n posers!) |
] |
For those of you who now know, I've switched schools from MD to Edison. The reason is rather frivolous and a bit of a disappointment at my lack of self-control, so I'll choose to skip over that. Going to a public school for a change is taking longer than I expected to get used to...dunno, Catholic school for the vast, vast majority of your limited time on earth can do that to you I guess. Of course, getting away from the oppressing b*stards of that school with sticks up their collective arse is a biiiiig relief.
It's not all that bad, really. My relationship with my family for the most part is improving, depending on how you look at it. Considering that I do not talk to very many people in my new high school, spare perhaps four or five people, I've gotten used to being quiet and just ignoring what I find blindly irritating. So, my silence at home and at school is growing more frequent, and because of it I do not argue with my mother as often as before. I miss my friends from MD a lot, though. I wonder if they think of me sometimes, even for a second. I sure as hell wonder what they're doing at school..sure, not the best academic mindset, but it sure coincides with the amount of time I have on my hands.
The lead weight that weighed down my heart from previous years returned when I came to Edison, but it isn't necessarily horrible I guess. I kind of like the new shyness that's developed from being so bloody quiet. Half of me wonders if I have the strength to keep going without the friends I deeply care for, and the other half beats me up trying to convince me that I should be stronger than I am now. I'm invisible in my classes, and I don't utter a word unless I'm spoken to by a teacher or a student with a point. I don't really exist in a way, but I guess I'm fine with it. The silence is deafening, but it's okay.
I haven't talked to my friends for about a week or so (and even the week before that, it was just a few phonecalls--though I treasured them closely, I just...I don't know), and I wonder if my disappearance has at all affected how school life is. I don't mean that in the selfish, attention-mongering sense; I just wonder if they sometimes think about me like I do them. I guess it's just hard no longer having your best friends next to you, laughing at your stupidity and making you feel accepted in the most twisted sense possible. I just miss them, I suppose.
I feel kind of hurt too, though I'm sure that I shouldn't be. I have no right to be hurt. I've emailed all my friends from school (well, the ones with emails that I had), but only two have replied. One of whom I have deeply hurt with a barb of presumption and ill-placed hatred. I'm surprised she even replied, actually, but I'm thankful that she did. She really is a good friend, despite what evil I've done to her heart. Guilt deeply consumes me from all I've done, and to have her reply with such a positive response I just...I don't know. I don't deserve it, but she replied anyway, along with my other great friend. They're really wonderful.
But, I just can't shake the fact that they haven't replied. I know I shouldn't be worried or hurt or feel betrayed; many of them don't check their email for weeks at a time or are too busy to do so. But...I don't know. I just hate not being able to talk to them...it's probable that my missing appearance has not forced any considerable change, but...it's just, if one I've hurt emotionally and terribly replies faster than that of my best friends...then...I just...I don't know.
I just miss them...and no one else has bothered to even say hello.
(spare of course Jenny, who I talked to today)
I just miss them...
I miss my english class at MD too (I bloody have to take American Lit. again. AGAIN. I TOOK AN ENTIRE COURSE OF AMERICAN LIT FOR BLOODY GODS SAKE!).
Of course what little courage I had against academic counselors has officially deteriorated. I'm too bloody cowardly to go up to my counselor and ask if I would be able to take British Lit. Sure, it's a senior class. But bloody fookin' hell, I already took the bloody course.
*sighs* I guess I'm just bitter and stupid.
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| ah, the crescendo of hatred for life commences |
[22 Nov 2004|08:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Marilyn Manson's Lest We Forget |
] |
It's really ironic how everything can go up and down in life. Cliche, it's like a roller coaster ride. Mine must be one of those topsy turvy ones that make you want to hurl until your insides become the remnants of what's left of your body thrown into a trashcan.
Fun, isn't it?
I henceforth tear away every single shred of hope that I have placed upon this final broken cry, and I will henceforth never again believe in what adolescents hold most dear. I've broken apart my chest cavity to reveal nothing--no holiness, no shred of hope, no malignance of faith that threatens to engulf my very body and nostalgic spirit.
My heart feels pressured again, no longer free as it had been mere nights ago. You see this torture, and I feel it. Many said there was hope; that the other cared enough in that sense to care in return---that there was light among the apocalypse of an eclyptical shadow. The other does not care. The other has found another. The other is broken and mended. The one does not find solace in such.
It's immature to believe so, I guess. I know that it's immature to believe that such existed for one such as myself. It's immature to have even a shred of hope that perhaps the other did care and was merely holding it back for fear of getting hurt again.
Not that I blame him at all.
All those words...getting into my head, my heart, and whatever barren cavity that remains within my torn shell. I should have known better. I should have known the cost of such, and I did. And yet, I paid the price for it yet again by believing that such a hope existed, that perhaps a guardian angel had come to bathe my heart in such warmth.
Such things are not meant for the juxtaposedly ironic demons that enthrall the earth with sin and damnation. I should have known better.
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| *ponder* |
[10 Oct 2004|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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uhm...blah? |
] |
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music |
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The Fight Song by Marilyn Manson |
] |
Ehh...lord, there's too many places for me to post journals in.
If I don't update here, I might have posted in my GaiaOnline Journal..if not, on myspace. *blinks* Damnit all...I really should just nix two and keep one...but which one, I wonder...hmm...*blinks*
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| KYAAAHHH!!! |
[25 Sep 2004|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry (I want food...) |
] |
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music |
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Going Under by Evanescence |
] |
Don't you just love the title of this? X3
This week went by all right, I guess. Pretty uneventful, other than the fact that I burned part of my hand in chemistry (eeeh...it burns...X_X) and I'm pissed off at RJ verily. I met this guy this week and I've quickly grown a liking to him), and I pretty much told a few people that. He's almost the exact opposite of RJ or any other guy I've liked, now that I think about it. And he's definitely much kinder and nicer and...yeah...oh...definitely sexier haha
Anyway, I was talking to RJ I think...Thursday?...and he asked for a picture of him and when I gave the picture, RJ said "oh my god I think I know him." Therefore, I freaked out. Considering the fact that I'm trying to purge myself of any love-feeling directed towards RJ and any connection involved in that area, I just...yeah...freaked out. I mean, one of my best guy friends is almost best friends with two others guys that are also best friends with RJ, my other guy friend ended up being his carpool freshman year, and the girl that tried to persuade me and JoCho to get together in junior high ends up being RJ's girlfriend...it's so freakin' crazy how almost everyone is connected to him! DAMNIT THEY'RE ALL CONNECTED!!! It's like a crappier version of the Matrix!!! *goes monotone* The connection has you, Neo...*curses him repeatedly* So, when I finally meet a guy that 1) isn't connected to RJ and 2) doesn't even remotely remind me of RJ and 3) is about the most handsome and greatest guy in the face of the universe and beyond, you know...I kinda get really really happy. Which isn't often, for those of you who know me know. ^^;
So...RJ kept telling me on Thursday "seriously I think I know him"...and I lost 8 hours of sleep that night, only getting 2 hours. I come to school, forgetting about it for a few hours...then afterschool, RJ comes up and goes "Hi" and I suddenly get reminded of what he said, gets completely aggravated, and nearly strangle him while asking what he said when RJ talked to him. You know what RJ said?
"...I made the whole thing up. ^___^ "
DO YOU ENJOY WATCHING ME SUFFER?!?!?
...AAAAAAAAAARGH...that, and he joked around about it with his brother and other friends, causing me to look like an idiot.
I really do feel idiotic, though, trusting him so easily like that...¬_¬
Well SORRY, you fucking jackass! It's not my fault I pretty much trust you almost enough to place my life in your goddamned hands AND that fact that I'm trying to get away from you in the unrequited love-sense only to catch the possible idea that you might know him!
AND YOU STILL FRICKIN LAUGH ABOUT IT!!!
...*grumbles incoherently and punches my wall into making a considerable dent on the white surface*...
So, therefore henceforth, your apology is not accepted. -_- My trust of you is henceforth purged, and you can go rot in hell for all I care.
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| i wonder... |
[18 Sep 2004|10:19pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed (as always) |
] |
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music |
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Personal Jesus by Marilyn Manson |
] |
I do wonder sometimes why humanity survives...
is it because of all the dumbass lucky mistakes that they make or is it just pure instinct that they live off of others as self-deprivating leeches?
Dunno. Just a random question I thought I'd penetrate your mind with, y'know.
School as a junior (woo...oldness) is easily adjustable, though the nature of my classes are less than satisfying. Granted, a few of what few trustable friends I have are in my class(es, though not many), but I just...hate my classes. Psychology is amusing for the mere reason that 1) it's psychology, 2) it makes my own flaws more apparent, and 3) Nam's in my class. All my other classes are about average (my average usually means disappointing or dull in normal people's perception), but my Intermediate Algebra class...
hmm...let us ponder how inanely stupid it is.
I'm surrounded by inanely useless cheerleaders and football players that are obsessed with what they're wearing and how they're gonna get laid in college. Sure, I'm paying for my mistakes in sophmore year by being in this class but FUCKING HELL...it's not challenging whatsoever. The math in there is what I learned in the seventh-fucking-grade. Just...fucking irritating.
Damn myself for having so many goddamned emotionally personal problems sophmore year. Damn you all who caused me problems. Fucking damn you.
I apologize for any feelings I may have set off-balance, but I'm just venting my anger here. If you'd rather not have to see me talking about how fucking irritated I am at you whenever I step into Coach Ickes' class, then stop reading. XP
Oh, and all anger towards that little situation during your party, blind ref, forget it. Sure, you made everyone else promise not to tell anyone...but you told me anyway when the conversation was irrelevant. Yeah. Don't really care about that now.
Besides, if a guy doesn't like me for who I am and doesn't see me as someone worth giving affections to, then he isn't worth it whatsoever. I'm not changing for him or anyone else just for that simple reason of gaining companionship (a few of your other people out there miiiight want to take this note to heart...why? because you need to learn the same f*n thing.) That, and I've learned that I have better things to do with my time than pining over some jackass who's more dimwitted than Richard Simmons' thong.
And if I ever start thinking about him in that shitty-unrequited crap again, I want you to personally slap me. Numerous times. Hard.
Understand?...if you don't, just ask me and I'll make sure you remember.
Right then...¬_¬
Oh, this is Christine from Phantom of the Opera. This is gonna be my unofficial costume for Halloween. Yes, it's early. But I'm bored, so yeah. My costume will be a whole lot less friller though...eww...frills are icky. And my version'll be black and white with a black face mask with a white teardrop. ^^
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| yay-full-fucking-ness |
[29 Aug 2004|11:33am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy...O_o...okay... |
] |
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music |
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Moulin Rouge's "Fly Away" and "Roxanne" |
] |
Yay-full-fucking-ness is my word of the day. Spiffy, neeee?
I'm in a rather happy mood this morning, despite the fact that I'm tired as hell from yesterday's trek throughout the park of gayness (happy gay, not homosexual orientation gay). It was a day without emotional turmoil and we all just had pure, unadulterated fun. Yep, good day. We actually achieved in getting onto...what was it, Titi? Uhmm....14-15 rides? Maybe 16 or 17...I dunno. But it was cool, considering with a larger group of certain people we only achieve getting onto 7-8 rides...if we're lucky. But, since our group was small and it was one without problems with a bunch of people and a bunch of conflicts that tear at my, and a bunch of other people's, sanity, it was a very good day. *laughs* I'm sure Jenny loved it too (YOU AND JOEL ARE SO F*N ADORABLE!!!! the pictures are going in my photoalbum I swear. *pinches Jenny's cheeks, cues the "awwww" lol*). By the way, Nessy, your futbol shirt ROCKS!!!
Oh, and RJ...don't cut your hair really short, or I'll put my disposable camera in your face with the flash button on...again...lol *click* hahaha jk.
Anywayz...it was really cool, cuz we went to both parks and stuff. Yep...spifffyyyy. The ferris wheel was hilarious in my opinion because whenever it would rock back and forth Titi would go "wheeeeee" and I'd just fall over laughing. Jenny and Joel went in a different gondola, though. Ah, well. Oh, those of you who were in the gondola I was in...just...don't think about the ride too much...*tries not to laugh, but fails* ah, that ride was weird....
oh! I finally got to sing "yo ho yo ho" on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride without people staring at me!!! Well, it was 'cause Titi and Chrystelle sang along too...but okay. Yeah. It was cool. Singing is fun...even though I suck terribly at it.
WE SAW LEAH AT CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE!!! OMFG THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Bigass reunion and everything. Well, Chrystelle and Leah squealed when they hugged...that was weird...but it was cool. LOL RJ was in the background going "I knew that was gonna happen" but I was too busy jumping up and down to hit him on the head XD hahaha what sucks though is that Laura moved to Washington already...*sniff, cries* alas, I didn't get to say byee....T.T...ah, Leah will mention us on Wednesday when she talks to Laura, so I guess it's okay. Aaaahhhh, it was an awesome reunion though.
o-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[]
Look! A spatula!
...anyways...
Time for my favorite fanfiction quote of the day! ...Okay, I've never had one before but it's time I did! Bwuahahahhahaa.
She looked to her in complete solemnity and stared with absolute blankness. "My relationship with him?" The brunette young witch laughed with bedraggled amusement. "My relationship with him is whatever he wishes it to be. If he wishes for me to be his friend, I am his friend. If he wishes for me to be his lover, I will be his lover. If he wishes for me to be his enemy, I will be his compassionate enemy." The young witch then, with a flick of her wand, blew away the fire of the single candle.
The young woman stared in wonder at her friend and sighed. "He doesn't know your emotions, does he?" She was left without a verbal answer. The young woman being questioned looked to her, shook her head, and left.
~Blow Up Dollface's "Unconscious Submission"
I LOVE THE FANFIC AUTHOR'S NAME!!! hahahaha anyways, that is my favorite all-time fanfiction quote...well, besides the Draco/Hermione fanfic where Draco gives Hermione the "perfect kiss" that shows how he feels and stuff. Now THAT made me cry lol it was beautiful XD
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| and a few more, just to scare you.. |
[13 Jul 2004|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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 laughing my arse off |
] |
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music |
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same as previous |
] |
just as the subject title states, that and i have no other place to put them in...
strangely enough that fits my gaian character exactly. *sniggers* and no, don't ask what i meant by that.
*falls over laughing* even i don't think i could last that long...
...i'm in my happy place.
well, i think i'm done scarring your pitiful little brains. good day. ^^
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| Is this really me? |
[13 Jul 2004|08:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Downfall by Trust Company |
] |
well this is rather strange, don't you think?...
I really should change my name...online quizzes merely lie about my sex appeal *sniggers*
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| Lord help the poor unfortunate humans... |
[09 Jul 2004|06:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Fast and Furious soundtrack |
] |
As the title states...Lord (if there is one...) help the poor unfortunate humans of whom rides waves of grey asphalt. I got my permit a while back (woo!) but today I took my first behind-the-wheel driving class.
I suck at changing lanes.
well, i don't suck at changing lanes...it's just signalling...looking over my shoulder...
the fact that my eyeglasses suck ass...
yeah. amusing. watch out...feaaar me.
oh! i drove past floofy rj's house like three times...i contemplated ramming into his house, but thought otherwise. ah well. there's always when i get my license.
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| No friendships should be one-sided. |
[05 Jul 2004|12:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit |
] |
I haven't updated this in a while. I suppose it's because everything's changed now...and, I do mean everything. It's like I know myself a bit more, how I want to be...but at the cost of my relationships with those who I once trusted with my pathetic life. I...don't know what's going to happen now. I'm more reserved...I can hold myself now. I don't have to yell and shriek everytime something bothers me. I suppose it's because I now realize...I was the way I was because I knew my friends--those I trusted--wanted me to be that way...I wanted them to laugh...to smile.
But it's all changed now.
I'm looking into my life and I see a lot more things than I used to. But, once again, at a price. I've lost many of my friends, or perhaps they think they've lost me because I'm not how I once was. And because I'm not how they wanted me to be, they don't want me anymore. But I wish it to an extent. I don't whine about things as much, and I don't give my family as hard a time as I used to.
Because everything's changed.
I left myself alone on the start of vacation because...well, I don't know. I wish it was as easy as the snap of my blood-red painted fingers--I wish it were easy to just go back to the way things were, with friends that cared...
but then I woke up, and I didn't wish that anymore.
Now, I don't wish. Because wishes never come true. At this price, and that of my friendships, I've come to realize some part of me that I haven't seen in years. I don't know what it is, but I'm not content, nor am I yearning for more than I'm destined for. But I guess I don't mind it.
You're probably wondering what I meant by the price of my friendships. Well, I took some time off from speaking to my friends to just...relax. Not have to worry about what problems that would resurface during the summer or the expectations I would be expected to live up to. And because of it...one month away from my friends...
I've made more long-distance friends...not as close, but not as expecting as the ones I've known for more than a year or so. And, I'm more relaxed...I think. But, because of this, my friends have grown far away from me. I suppose I could fix my friendships that I've partially severed, but I sort of notice that whenever friendships are damaged...I always try to fix them. But...I wonder, if it's selfish to think of wanting others to fix the severed ties, instead of me? I've always thought that to be a bit selfish, but now I wonder...now that I've spent some time away from the job as the fixer.
My damaged ties, I suppose, regard me with some sort of distaste. One of them goes so far as to say that just because I spent some time away to find myself it means that I don't care about her anymore.
And...I just wonder...why I'm usually always the one to prove my friendship...
and...yet...no one else has come forth to do so? I always try to prove my friendship so that my 'friends' would know I care...but....no one else has? Or perhaps, those who once proved their friendship time and time again have grown so accustomed to my actions of proof that they feel I should always do it, to prove our friendship? That they feel they do not have to prove their friendship to me, when I myself have proven my trust and care for them for the longest time? My actions cease for a mere month, and they scorn me and accuse me of such things, when I have trusted them for much longer?
The look...in their eyes...well, nevermind. When I met up with them, they regarded me with reservation and mild neglect, so why should I even bother to mention their eyes?
I, for the first time, seriously question their friendship, as they have questioned mine for eternity. I always prove to them that my trust and care for them remains true...but...I question them now, for the first real time...and they have not come forth to prove their friendships. Instead, many of them regard me with negligence, distaste, and ignorance? They accuse me of such things, that I have wronged them, and I must come forth to once again prove my friendship, and they never once prove theirs? I am only answered by more accusations and interrogations of my thoughts towards them.
"You don't care anymore, do you?"
...That is such a question I have been interrogated with. And, now, I find myself wondering if I really do...when a mere silence for a month...is rewarded with an untrusting interrogation of my own conscience. No one I know has come forth with such proof that my efforts to maintain a friendship will be reciprocated.
Instead...mistrust and neglect.
I think now...it's all changed. I won't say I'm sorry for whatever I've done, considering I believe that a month of personal reflection is nothing to apologize for. But since you dare question my friendship of you, without showing proof that you would be willing to show your own proof of your own trust towards me, then I am sure I have nothing to apologize for. I was hurt by many of my friends time and time again this year, but it was always I that sincerely apologized. Those that apologized to me on rare occassions felt it to be of duty, instead of personal preference.
I've made other friends, fortunately and unfortunately, that dote attention towards me, and I them. They've made me feel loved, cared for...trusted. They have a great worth that I see in them and I admire them as one would a savior (in their respects, they somewhat are). Hopefully they will not do as those who mistrust me now have done; take advantage of me without once thinking I would need proof of their own friendships. The new, albeit long-distance, friends that I have made, are able to hold conversations with me, without once questioning my friendship (thus far). Though I may never see them, I will cherish their friendships (insert glomping of Seth, DC, Long, Ctella, and the others).
And my relationship with my family? Well, for the sake of some of my friendships, my relationship with my family has improved a bit. There's not as much yelling in the household, and I do not have as much stress to prove friendships and trust as I did this year. Granted, there are still a few friends that I deeply care for, one includes my greatest friend that has been by my side and I at hers for the longest time, and they do not question my friendship even at a months separation. I have not talked to her for a month or so, and yet I feel our friendship will last, unlike those that question their current ones tied to me.
I will no longer be the doll that everyone used to blame their troubles on, nor the one they depended on without thought of reciprocated respect, feeling that I would not care and would always be there.
Well, I'll always be here, even when I do not want to be. I'll always be someone to turn to when you feel there is no one else to turn to, nor anyone who will listen. I will always be the shoulder you may use to cry on, the shoulder that will support you when you fall. But now, as the pieces fall into place...
some thing's must grow, and some things must change.
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| (none) |
[21 May 2004|10:43am] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Sleeping Beauty--Nittle Grasper--Gravitation |
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Just a random quiz I took.
You're a guy that always appear silent and cold.
Hardly you trust in the others, only you know what had built
these "barriers".
Only a few really knows you,
and these know how much you're precious.
You're a person that returns a little affection with something ten times bigger!
On the other hand, if someone hurts you, you'll return the same hurt, but bigger!
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| downspiral |
[11 May 2004|12:05am] |
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mood |
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irritated |
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music |
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Do You Think I'm A Whore by Kittie, Lies by Evanescence |
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Ah, the downspiral into eternal oblivion.
I don't particularly know if I care anymore, but apparently I haven't updated my journal as of late and certain people feel obliged for me to update it...pesky rats.
So, here you have it.
Many things have taken place since my last update (which, I admit, was rather pointless). I had AP Exam for European History, so I'm unofficially done with the bloody subject. I've partially patched things up with certain people...
but...see...
lately...
I've grown tired of giving a flying fuck.
You know those kinds of people that, at first, seem like the greatest people in the world? They can't do any harm, innocent, naive, yet academically intelligent that you want to strangle them every time they rub it in your damned face?
Yes. Those people. Well, the strangling part's right.
I've grown tired of caring about those people. They change, as can be expected; what little maturity they've had...has dwindled into nothingness. Frankly, sure I said I'd protect you forever, it's not your fault, fucking BLAH.
I no longer love many things in this damned world. Not that I really ever did in the first place.
And to those (that I know in person...face to face), you lovely people you...
go nip at someone else's heels before I stomp on you with my own damned shoes.
To my friends/cousins far away that I've never seen or have not seen in a long-ass time, you are exempt from these bitter and resentful vents of hatred. I still love you guys very much. Why?
Because people where I live, on the other hand, are fucking bastards that deserve to have their bowels ripped out with a damn katar and hearts shot with a fucking winchester magnum.
So no. I don't hate you guys.
People that live here, on the other hand, deserve to fucking die. Not that I have a right to judge anyone's life expectancy. It's just my damned opinion.
Haha. Guess they were right after all. Whoever sent that referral to the psych. counselors at Mater Dei about me was right. I am a morbid fuck.
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| eh..T_T |
[18 Apr 2004|03:46pm] |
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mood |
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high |
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music |
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Dyskrasia by Kidney Thieves |
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wow, last day of spring break..what've I done the entire week..
I spent sunday to thursday in wonderful, natur-aaaal Flagstaff, AZ. It's really much more beautiful there than the industrialized CA we all know and deal with (note that i did not say LOVE. why, dare you ask? cuz i don't love it at all...fookin' turds). There were sooo many trees there and the hotel my parents and I stayed in was fucking cool. I even got my own room...sure, it was connected to my parents' room, but hey..I had my own hotel room. Rather spiffy.
We went out every night to a different restaurant and it was cool considering I now have a renewed love for spicy eastern dishes. Burned my tongue raw, but I love it. Fookin hell, I'll have my close friends here in CA, but daaaaayuum...I miss Arizona.
THE AIR'S SO FOOKIN' CLEAN OVER THERE!!!
no smog.
no pollution.
AND I SAW DEER!...
...lol sorry. Respect the deer! They're graceful, they're beautiful, they turn to roadkill, what's not to like!
...*hack cough hack*....
yeah..anyways it was pretty fun. i got a new swimsuit under my mom's insistence that I needed to get out more..heh. me.gothic homocidal introvertive psycho...getting out more..riiiight.
but alas, she made me get one anyway. so, here i am, sitting in my bed, with a red two piece halter swimsuit sitting in the closet. There WAS a James Bond two piece (think Halle Berry from the recent Bond movie..the orange swimsuit)..Yes...tHat ONE!! THey HAd it!!
but..nOOOO....
my mom didn't like the color..-_-..neon orange fucking rocks!...*sighs*
also..I have a current obsession with the online community go-gaia.com. No..seriously..I'm fucking obsessed...FUCKING. OBSESSED.
Yes, my name is still sanguinant on there..if you ever want to sign up, put me down for your referral. hehe..shameless advertising.i shame myself...T_T I made a lot of new friends too! also, I got chelly nam marcelio and dominic to join..oh! chris too!...sure he hasan't done anything yet cuz he's still up in fucking mammoth or something..but still! BWuaHahhahhhaAAHAHHAHa....
btw..scanned two new pics into my deviantart account..if you're bored and in need of entertainment..check it out...lol please comment..
wonkiness---> http://sanguinant.deviantart.com
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[01 Apr 2004|11:21pm] |
you are saddlebrown
#8B4513 |
Your dominant hues are red and yellow... most of what you do is motivated by your need to change things and have a good time, but you've been known to settle down and think out a situation, too. You tend to surprise people just when they're starting to feel like they've got you down.
Your saturation level is high - you get into life and have a strong personality. Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you - either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you. You are very hard working and don't have much patience for people without your initiative.
Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.
| | the spacefem.com html color quiz |
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| fucking whore |
[01 Apr 2004|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy (sorry) |
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music |
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Do You Think I'm A Whore by Kittie |
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...yea, the title for today is harsh. but let me recap wednesday...as i was too anguish/rage-ridden to recap such a tormentuous day......oo big word...anyways.
the day was rather enraging. The early morning was rather well, but when i got to first period my grimoire had been stolen from my bag. and as you have seen by my previous entry of Poe-dom (reference to the eloquence of the wondrous E.A. Poe), i went through the whole day being a rather bitchy homocidal psycho...more than i usually am. I yelled, threatened, and punched 50 times more than i usually would have if mad. Yes, I am rather possessive of my grimoire.
it did not help my patience when i heard vienna yelling "TOUCH MEE!!!" to nam while I was frantically looking for it. Nam made the mistake of going to the movies with michelle and vienna and has not fully paid for it. apparently, he is the ultimate incarnation of male stupidity. men are such fucking bastards. so are stupid fucking whores who act likee they're completely innocent when they fucking know why certain people including me hate them so fucking much. fucking hell, in all serious, anyone who hurts my goddess FUCKING PAYS. Even if they're fucking female. she makes herself look like a fucking saint by stating with conviction "i could hug a murderer...wow i'm too nice."...NICE MY FUCKING BONY ASS. FUcKING...
back to thievery...--->
i found it after school in my bag. i looked through it and found ten pages drawn all over withh fucked up designs of pikachu and bad poetry. the culprit, kevin-the-asshole, even hada the audacity to write ihs fucking name in it aas well as giving it to thhe majority of his b-ball friends to fucking read. FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I broke down crying soon afterwards...for te second time in schhool that year. Must be some kind of fucking record. I borrowed Talena's eraser to remove the filth of kevin from my beloved grimoire. thank goddess it was just pencil.
i had my head down on the table when i heard nam yell out "man, get away get away" or somethhing of the sort so I looked up. there was larry, an accomplice to kevin's crime. I felt insanely pissed off at that point and I got up and blindly ran towards him with my eyes narrowed. i remember cuz he looked scared. so...fucking...scared. it sucked that nam held me back. he lightly pushed me backwards and i sat down on the lunch table and just collapsed into fitful fucking sobs.
suddenly vievie decides to act like a fucking CARING person all of a fucking sudden and puts her arm around me. titi told me later thaht she tried to tell vienna to get her arm off me cuz titi knew that i didn't want it there, and vienna listened...for a few seconds.
the MOMENT...yes...i mean directly...the fucking moment people start sitting around me trying to figure out what the fuck's wrong, vienna decides to put her arm around me again. ONLY when people she has been known to try and impress start crowding around..goddess, I never wanted to be so alone in my entire life. i tried nudging away, but people (esp. nam whom vienna seemed to be glancing at rather frequently) were still around me and vienna had a fucking deathgrip around my arm and back. fucking hell, i'll just say it made me feel like my fucking emotional FUCKING breakdown is just a tool for another person's attention-getting. well, fUCKING hell. makes me feel worthless more than i fucking already do.
no offense to those who still fucking trust her (i don't see why), but if she ever does that i'm fucking beating the shit out of her. i'm tired of her whorish attitude then pretending she doesn't understand shit just so that she's gaining sympathy. hell, that's what it seems like to me. just fucking wondering.
screw this shit...
and if i need ur help, i'll fucking tell you. otherwise, bitch, stay the fuck away from me.
btw, nam, make your fucking decision. it'll only just hurt more when you prolong the inevitable. Men and their egotistical indecisions...shit. -_-
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| Die, Die, Betrayer |
[31 Mar 2004|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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 royally pissed off |
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music |
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Johnny by Kittie |
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*growls* the world has not been kind to me emotionally thus far, and I am rather not surprised that I have been betrayed once again...only this time, it was completely and utterly intentional.
Ah, how the pitiful have reached a lower level of utter mortality and underdoing. Dearest, dearest Kevin. One of the most pitiful of the human male species. Ha. Pitiful fool, that he is. He will pay rather dearly. No, death is rather weak a punishment for his treason. I'll settle for a good beating and scars...for now.
He is rather pitiful isn't he...taking my Grimoire from my own personal schoolbag...opening the pocket and taking it without my permission. No one was supposed to see my Grimoire, for fear of the curse. ehehheh...I suppose he deserves the curse for such treason and thievery. He even read the book that included every bloody personal thought and wishes...as well as a few incantations...bloody hell. The boy had no right. Did not help me deal with the situation whatsoever considering he read the whole damn thing AS WELL AS drew on 10 full pages of the Grimoire (that according to the Rede, must *NEVER* be read by anyone outside of the coven or religion) and wrote sneering comments on it. He will pay for his high crime.
Not helping the fact that I cried scalding tears as soon as I found my Grimoire touched by filthy hands.
I need no sympathy from those who were around me when I found my prized possession, and I do not ever need it.
He is cursed.
DIE.
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| ooooooo the excitement |
[27 Mar 2004|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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Good Night Sweet Girl by Ghost of the Robot (YAY) |
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well...today's been rather eventful. Able to get my mind of problems with the stupidity of humans. Loads of shit the majority of them are. Very frustrating as well. -_-
Lessee....my agenda for today was:
-12:30 to 3:45/Four Seasons chamber ensemble/youth symphony rehearsals
-onward/ b&n and shopping with mum (yesh...shopping..SILENCE)
What was so weird was that I saw Kevin at B&N. I was walking around looking for the New Age (Wicca, etc) section and lo-and-behold, he was in the manga section (figures). I tried not to laugh as he shrieked in suprised fear at the moment I called out to him....so funny. ^_^ My dear follower and I (oh, did I mention? I'm the glorified antichrist pope of candyland as well as the leader of a rather extensive harem) shared a small conversation about what the fuck we were both doing in the same bookstore, then I went off to search for the book "The Night Thoreau Spent In Jail." ...rather riveting...a book about one night an anti-industrialist was stuck in jail for not paying his taxes. Wow, Thoreau. Way to "stick it to the man." Woo. *raises flag of blunt sarcasm*
My da and I proceeded to drive over to the Metro Pointe bookstore (damn the first B&N for not having teh blasted playbook) and it turned out that Vienna and Michelle were there planning to watch The Passion (have you seen it? if not..YOU BLOODY SHOULD...heh..bloody..) WHAT'S WITH THESE PEOPLE GOING TO THE SAME BLOODY PLACES I'M GOING TO???..so weird....
OOOO!!! I'm really excited tho!!!!
nothing like buying another leather bound line-free journal to get your mind off betrayals, heartbreaks, and cruel scrutinizations of humanity...
YES I BOUGHT ANOTHER SMALL LEATHER BOUND BOOK JOURNAL!!!
...my old self-made one is torn apart. XP not my fault i'm so...angry whenever i use it. ooo..anger starts now..ok.
*pissed off at nam and vienna rite now*
INSANELY pissed off. never ever pissed off at nam..well guess what. I'm FUCKING PISSED now. ^^ have a nice day. oh, and yes i do plan on bitch slapping you both next time i lay eyes on your pathetic forms.
that's what you get for making the only fucking friend i care about anymore cry....(well besides titi)...yep. i used to care about nam and vienna a lot..vienna lesser and lesser..nam i cared about nearly as much as titi and michelle..but you know..one action done/not done can change quite the perspective.
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sanguinant's journal