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so it's final exam time. i'm almost done with my first year of medical school. it's a little absurd to think about - how did this happen? how did i get here? it's been exhausting and ridiculous and interesting and crazy. i've loved and hated it. and that is all for now. i have some updates from last time i was here... it's been a while, but not as long as i thought. i come here more often than i used to. :) but the past month has been rather interesting. - i turned 23. not the most festive birthday one might expect (21 comes to mind...) yet we made it a really good time. "we" was my trifector, ben and laura, two friends whose birthdays were the day before mine and the day before that. we partied at ben's on friday, and the next night i went to church for pascha. yup, i was an easter baby this year. on sunday (my birthday), my parents & sister were awesome and took me out for sushi, even though they're not used to it, but they know i love the stuff. so it was a great celebratory weekend, for sure. - i spoke at a coffeehouse event put on by the christian medical association at school. i actually talked about orthodoxy, and my personal experience with it. interesting, as i've never done that before, and didn't know what it would feel like. ...oh, you're wondering how it felt? i liked it. i felt really honest and open. good times. - i observed my very first surgery... and it was neurosurgery. specifically, a craniotomy. so. damn. cool. i was in awe the entire time. those can be really long and intense surgeries, and the potential for damage is unbelievable. it was a remarkable thing to watch, to be scrubbed in and standing RIGHT NEXT TO the neurosurgeon and having him explain everything to me! mcdreamy my ass, this is the real thing. unsexy microscope goggles and all. - i found a research position in pittsburgh this summer!!! it took long days and nights of phone calls, emails, online searches, resumes, applications... but i finally did it. i found a great job at UPMC, working in basic nephrology research. really hoping it works out and that they like me. pray they do. anyway, this means i move to pittsburgh on sunday (!! which reminds me, i need to pack). major excitement. - i've passed all my final exams so far, thank God! only one more to go, this friday, it's microbiology. so i have like 5786 viruses to learn before then. it's all good, except that this week has been so stressful. it gets really frustrating to stuff so much info into your head, to struggle through learning on your own, to get so tired and have to keep going. i am just really, really tired. and these exams, they're like marathons. take today's, for example. 128 questions. 3 hours. that's like half an MCAT. and i'm taking an exam every other day! so that's like two MCATs! haha. seriously, though. med school is a bitch and don't let anyone tell you otherwise... unless they go to an 'easy' med school, in which case, i hope they never become your doctor. ;) - how good was ' House' this week??!! ohmygod. awesome. that's one show that i cut some slack in terms of 'how unrealistic is this'... because for one, the cases are so frickin' interesting, and also, i love when they toss around diagnoses that i ACTUALLY KNOW. thank you, med school, thissss is what i get for my tuition! Tags: exams, homey, med school
Current Location: home
current listening: Can't Go Back Now - The Weepies
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the past few weeks have been incredibly difficult, stressful, exhausting, and nerve-wracking. between my tata in the hospital, my jiddo having two surgeries, and finding out my tata in lebanon has cancer - and that's only the family stuff - i was also studying for four tough classes, juggling responsibilities between school, friends, and relationship - the levels of stress have been at an all-time high. i never imagined i could handle so much at one time without just... cracking. and i cracked a few times, yeah, i've gotten really emotional and i've felt miserable. but. the key is, i'm still in this 'game' and i think i'm doing rather well at it. i'm still pushing hard. i'm not only surviving, i'm succeeding. it's a nice feeling. :) midway through first round of exams now... have been studying hard these last few weeks. i took histology on friday, then spend all weekend studying for neuroscience, which was today. the written exam went fine as expected - i've been busting my ass studying for that, and i really love the subject, so that made things slightly more endurable. but i definitely thought i was going to fail the practical exam; i put off studying for it until last night/this morning. (something had to give, and i decided it was neuro lab!) somehow, though, to my complete shock, i knew nearly all the answers. it was absurd. i was only unsure about a few. so, i think i did surprisingly well. now the rest of the week is going to be like a marathon... i've been studying for everything at once, of course, but at least i had two full days (saturday & sunday) to do the final cramming for neuro. my next one is on wednesday morning, and it's physiology (which sucks, to me) so i really only have tonight & tomorrow. same thing for immunology on friday morning. only a day and a half between each. :( i'm going to try to avoid the internets this week. wish me luck! i hope to eventually become a doctor you guys can be proud of... and then you'll remind me, "remember when you were freaking out about exams? dork." Tags: confidence, exams, family, grandparents, med school, stress
current listening: yael naim || far far
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i've been going through a very difficult stretch recently... my tata (grandma) is in the hospital since friday at noon. school has become overwhelming. and i finally broke down emotionally at the end of a stressful and exhausting week. needless to say - i needed comfort, warmth, and love. you know how they say there is something about these situations that lets you know who your 'true friends' are? i've been amazed and taken aback by the kindness shown to me by a few wonderful people this weekend: bryn, who let me cry in her arms during a break from class, stayed with me when i couldn't go back in, and then called to let me know she was thinking of me and that she was there if i needed her. alex, who comforted me at a really difficult time, and reassured me that i am being strong and doing the best that i can. brett, who came to school to find me, in the midst of studying for his exams, to make sure i was ok, give me lots of hugs, let me vent and cheer me up. i really am blessed with these people, among so much else that is also good in my life. Tags: blessing, friends, stress
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jesus i'm tired. (the icon from three years ago is pretty appropriate here, i think... although junior year final exams were nothing like this. funny, looking back.) i'm trying to do a million things at once and - goddammit i just don't know how it's all going to work out. i mean, i know it WILL, eventually. things always work out in the end. somehow, i do it. but right now i don't know how that's possible. or at least, how it's possible while still maintaining some minimum amount of sleep and a small shred of dignity. i didn't go out a single time this weekend. not once. the furthest i went from home was to church and to kinko's, each five minutes away. i have mostly spent the weekend in my pajamas or some variation of layers of fleece, with a cup of coffee in front of me, multiple pens, papers and textbooks. i tried to catch up on my reading (that didn't happen), tried to prep for classes this week (still working on that), apply to summer programs (still in progress), create a newsletter (took way too much time), while still keeping up with my family, my brothers' travels, talking to andrew, helping a friend, and then dealing with the sudden death of our cousin in peru... how am i supposed to keep up with schoolwork, attend classes, apply to summer programs, keep up with meetings, and still HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS... this is just so much. i thought i did a lot in college, but jesus. i have a persistent headache. i am just - permanently tired. i never feel good anymore. i've already given up on having fun (seriously, do i have fun anymore?) but i can't also give up on getting sleep! yet that's slowly dwindling away, as i stay up later and wake up earlier to get my shit done and still make it to class on time. god. damn. it. ok, venting is good. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. hopefully. people are always very encouraging to me - they say if anyone can do it, i can. and i appreciate that so much. but i'm having a down moment right now and it just... sucks. i need a confidence booster right now more than anything. because right now i feel like shit. i feel like i can't do it all. i need to somehow be reminded that i can. Tags: down, med school, stress
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our standards in med school are now so low that, when they give us literally a two and a half day break for thanksgiving, we're all so excited we're practically peeing our pants. this is our first "break" ever, the entire semester so far. what's sad is that i'm using it to study and sleep, i.e. the things i always do, but more of them. you know what's also sad? we get a "spring break" next semester - also 2.5 days in length - but it's one week before exams. so it doesn't even count. the jerks!! such is life these days. the most exciting thing i've done recently was attending the AMSA conference in portland, maine, two weeks ago. i'd never been up there. it's absolutely gorgeous. the whole town is too good to be true - just too perfect. we wanted to ask the locals, ok really. what's wrong with this place? anything? what's the catch?oh. and i had my first lobster! it was hard work. i wore a bib. i miss andrew. a lot. all the time. we've had lots of problems lately... things i'd rather not talk about on the internets. but, if you guys could, think of / pray for us. i am still on the emotional rollercoaster of the First Semester of Medical School. trying to stay sane and focused. it's hard when you want to learn and you want to find things interesting, but you barely have enough energy to cram all the material in your head. hard to always feel behind, always feel tired, and often feel depressed. there are small victories, to be sure: i've become rather good at dissecting, and i now teach others in lab. i worked my ass off for the second biochem exam - the class i was afraid of failing - and ended up acing it. i have a higher tolerance threshold for studying. i don't get as stressed before exams. i used to think, i'm never going to feel intelligent again - just going to get beaten down by how much i *don't* know. but that's not true. these days i accept that i can't know everything, and i try to remind myself that... i'm actually doing ok. the optimism will continue, inshallah... Tags: holiday, med school, travel
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i haven't been on livejournal in so long that i actually had to reset my password because i forgot it. "last updated: 5 weeks ago" sigh. you know, when i was in college i used to admire the livejournalers who were in med school and documented what was going on in their lives... when i started school again, too, i thought, yeah it'll be great to keep journaling - have a record of my thoughts - tell everybody all the crazy stuff that happens here. and i did it for like a month. now there just isn't time... i'm starting exams again tomorrow. yes, tomorrow. i think the last time i wrote here, i had just taken my first anatomy exam. well, tomorrow i'm taking my second. crazy, no? i'm trying to maintain my sanity, but i've been having 'breakdowns' this past week - where i just get overly emotional, down on myself, feel like it's all too much, it's overwhelming, and i wonder how i can possibly learn all this material for four exams (we added on two more classes this block!) it's incredibly stressful. i never realized how strictly scheduled my life would have to become. and how depressed you can get when your daily activities include living at school and eating meals out of tupperware. *****
i've been suffering from something else, too. i've started getting migraines. right now, i'm still dealing with one that started on friday night and has persisted rather stubbornly - though with ups & downs in severity - through today. (it hurts most when i turn my head to the left and down - i get a searing pain on the right side - so my joke right now is that "i'm not an ambi-turner" because i can't turn left, a la derek zoolander... hahaha) i'm taking Maxalt and Advil... and coffee... which help some, but it's still hanging around. so my question for those of you who share in my suffering is: how do you deal with a migraine?
i mean, getting rid of the migraine would be ideal, but i'll take "deal with" for now. at least so i can survive this week. :) Tags: exams, med school
current listening: radiohead || 15 step (something that helps keep me sane)
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i miss life before med school. here's why: - taking long weekends, friday to monday, without falling behind - getting paid to work my ass off - going home and leaving my work at work - gmail chat... all. day. long. - being somebody else's boss, and having "my chair" - youtube - playing with babies = work - lunch breaks without a time limit - evenings of jamaican food delivery & watching bravo- very little anxiety - happy hour. whenever. - new york city, to which nothing compares and here's why i'm glad to be in med school: - the human body. really frickin' amazing. - nerdy lunch lectures: pediatric nephrology, anyone? - "extracurriculars" - lots to kvetch about (wait, is that good?) - shadowing: now, with legal protection! - lots of smart people = super humbling experience - the four-year countdown to kanj, MD - learning how to be really useful to people who need you - working towards what i've wanted to do practically my entire life... huh. not quite as appealing a list, is it... ::grins:: and yet it works. such is life. Tags: med school, reflections
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rula's journal
before
