Okay, so, now that we've got this whole gay marriage thing tucked away, may I suggest that we pool our formidable powers of persuasian to advocate for more lenient anti-sorcery laws in this country?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354327,00.html

Because, no way should this guy have been fired. Sure, okay, suspended, docked a few days pay, all right. Maybe. But in the 21st Century, for a charge of wizardry to result in anything more than a minor slap on the wrist seems really excessive.

My eleven-year-old nephew, who is of course awesome, is playing the cello in his school band's performance at Carnegie Hall on Monday. This is an actual, real thing. They really are. But that's beside the point. The point is that I just went to check the Carnegie Hall website, and the event is actually listed on their calendar, and moreover, I have discovered that my nephew's band's director's name is Mr. Malafronte, and I have decided to believe that "Malafronte" is an ancient Italian word meaning "evil forehead."

That all by itself may just get me through the rest of this week.

ETA: I asked him over the weekend, and no, he will not be playing this:

Okay, you know that phenomenon, which is described in a perfectly simple, straightforward, everyday, common English word like "bread" or "chair," that describes the bonding behavior of newborn animals, ostensibly to their mothers, but theoretically to whatever large object they encounter upon opening their eyes for the first time?

Like, if you put a toaster in the basket with the motherless baby kittens, they would think the toaster was their mommy? And they would .... ________ with it? Or like in that episode of TNG where the space creature was like, sticking to the side of the ship like glue and everyone was all like, OMG, WTF, space creature! What is it doing? What does it want??!? Why can't we shake it and it turned out that it was actually a newborn baby space creature that had become separated from it's mother and _____ed with the Enterprise?

What the hell is that word? HELP MEEEEE!!!!

PS: It's not a crazy science word! It's an ordinary word that you would in numerous other contexts all the time.

Ever since I first damaged my back, in October of 2005, my posture has become truly atrocious. It’s a combination of a lot of things, but mostly it’s having to sleep on my side every night. This causes my shoulders to roll in toward my chest while I sleep, and eight or more hours of this every night for the best part of two-and-a-half years has made me terribly round-shouldered. So a couple of weeks ago I ordered a “posture brace” from one of those sad, old-lady paper catalogues that sells arthritis salve and lip bleach and seat-risers for the toilet and bras with little pockets in them for you to hide your cash in. Now, you would think that this purchase, and the mere fact that I am now on the mailing list for this catalogue and get at least one a week, would make me feel old and arthritic and hairy-lipped and incapable of lowering myself all the way down on the potty and prone to eyeing all passing young men suspiciously on the days I cash my social security checks. You would think, wouldn’t you? And yet.

You see, last night, I needed to wash my hair (and by the way, did you know there’s a nifty little gadget you can fasten around your neck like a dog-cone, so you can wash your hair fully clothed and sitting up in a chair? You know, in case getting in and out of the tub is difficult for you) and I wasn’t sure I’d have time to do it in the morning, so I washed and dried it before going to bed. Unfortunately, as is often the case after washing my hair the night before, I woke up with bad case of flat-hair this morning, accompanied by the random flyaways. And since I planned on starting to wear the brace this morning, I thought, well, heck. Why not start with another good habit, too? So I put on some of those teeth-whitening thingies. And since yesterday turned out to be much colder than I had thought it would be, and by last night I was regretting not having worn a jacket, I grabbed one before leaving the house.

And so I left the house this morning, in my “posture brace,” with my bad hair and my dental apparatus, and of course all bundled up in my sweater even though it was 80 degrees out, because you never know.

I honestly don’t think I have had such a serious case of Eighth Grade Morning since I was actually in the eighth grade.

And that was in like, the fucking eighth grade!

On the plus side, I think this hooky doodad I got to help me get my buttons buttoned is really going to contribute to my sense of independence.

Here’s Obama
There’s Obama
And another
Small Obama
Who’s Obama?
He’s Obama
That’s Obama
Duck

Wine Obama
Cheese Obama
Snake Obama
Plane Obama
Wild Obama
Tame Obama
Where’s Obama
Duck

I was once a treehouse
I lived in a cake
But I never saw the way
The orange slayed the rake
I was only three years dead
But it told a tale
And now listen, little child
To the safety rail

Did you ever see Obama
Kiss Obama
On Obama?
Smell Obama
Taste Obama
Which Obama?
Duck

Half Obama
Twice Obama
Not Obama
Farm Obama
I’m a little girl Obama
What Obama?
Duck

I was once a treehouse
I lived in a cake
But I never saw the way
The orange slayed the rake
I was only three years dead
But it told a tale
And now listen, little child
To the safety rail

Here’s Obama
There’s Obama
And another
Small Obama
Who’s Obama?
He’s Obama
That’s Obama
Duck

Excuse me. Aren’t you Clark Bellinger?

Ah — yeah.

From DeFloret Consolidated High School?

Um … yeah.

Jenna Rooney. I was in your graduating class.

Oh! Right! Jenna Rooney! Holy cow. You look like shit.

I'm — sorry?

Wow! I mean, I get that it’s been almost twenty years but Jesus. Have some respect for yourself, for God’s sake. What the hell happened to you?

I … nothing happened to me. What are you talking about?

Look, I’m not trying to be cruel, or mean-spirited, or obnoxious or anything but my God you’ve let yourself go. I mean, I never liked you in high school, but back then at least you were fuckable. Didn’t anyone ever explain to you that when the only thing you have going for you is your looks, you need to hold on to them like grim death? Obsessive dieting, rigorous exercise, weekly Botox injections — isn’t any of this ringing any bells for you?

All right, you know what? I’m sorry I bothered you. I’ll just be on my way …

No, no no. Bothered me? Are you kidding? You just made my day. Jenna Rooney. The bitchiest bitch who ever bitched a bitch, and look how you ended up. You know I’m kind of flattered you even remembered my name. Back in high school, you used to have a funny little pet name for me, what was it? Oh, right? Spazzburger. Remember that? Those were good times, weren’t they? Not like today, though, I guess. God, this is sweet. Look at you! I’m guessing you married that dick Todd Peterman, squeezed out a couple of spoiled, thankless brats, let your figure go till he finally just left you for something younger and tighter, and now you’re … what? A greeter at Walmart? I’m just guessing by what I assume is the employee discount you got on that outfit. But what the hell? At least it keeps you in Cheetos, huh? Huh, there, lardass? Huh? How’s that prom dress fittin’ these days, huh? Maybe not so good? Huh? Huh?

…

…

…

You think I’m Jenny Rubin, don’t you.

What?

Jenny Rubin? Homecoming queen, captain of the cheerleading squad. In twelfth grade she burned down the chemistry lab, and the Administration called it “Performance Art” and put her in for an Eastman scholarship so she wouldn’t have to miss prom?

Jenny Rubin?

I’m Jenna. Rooney. President of the Rocks and Minerals Club? I caddied for you in remedial golf. My mom used to pick me up from school in a Dodge Dart Swinger?

A brown …

… Dodge Dart Swinger. Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh, wow. Jenna. Hey! You look great. No, really!! You haven’t change a … oh, shit. I am so sorry. You must think I’m the biggest asshole in the world.

Not even close, actually.

I'm not posting this for any other reason except that it gives me a weird thrill to acknowledge wonderfulness in things when I see it, even if those things are essentially just station identification spots.

And frankly, this is may well be the very best commercial of its kind, ever.

So this show is currently running in the theater right next door to the building where I work. And it looks pretty good, and has generally been well-reviewed and heck, if I had a spare ninety bucks I might even go see it myself, so really, nothing to see here in terms of disdain or bad-mouthing or eyerolling or whatever, but check out the brassiere photo in this link. (Unfortunately, the pictures are on a slideshow and there doesn't appear to be any way of stopping or capturing a specific image, but you shouldn't have to wait too long for it to come up. Also unfortunately, I don't want to disappoint anyone, but the brassiere in question is actually empty in the picture.)

http://www.39stepsonbroadway.com/media_photos.html

That is SO clearly like, a 1990s brar!!! The show is set in 1935! I mean, had spandex even been invented in the 30s? How about the underwire? For heaven's sake, you had five million dollars to invest in a Broadway show, but the twelve lousy bucks to go on ebay and find an historically accurate foundation garment was just a little beyond your resources?

Next time, just ask me, okay? I'm right next door. I'd have gone to the ATM, taken out a twenty, you'd have had enough leftover to cover the postage.

Sheesh.

I'm right ... over ... here ...



View Larger Map

This offer is good until 8:00 pm this evening.

So I was watching Colbert last night, and learned that he currently ranks second only to “Rain,” a tweeny K-pop singer of whom I had not previously heard, in Time Magazine’s online poll to determine the Most Influential Person (on the internets? In the world? I don’t know). Anyway, of course this immediately sent my blood pressure soaring, and I went into automatic rant mode, seeing this as yet another reason why, though I may not agree with it, I can sometimes almost understand the view that the internet will ultimately bring about the utter destruction of journalism, and how preposterous it is to seek opinions about degrees of "influence" from people who literally don’t understand the difference in meaning between the word “influential” and the words “cute” or “popular,” or “marginally interesting.” And I was all set to sit down and write about that.

But then I actually watched the guy’s video:



And damned if I don’t have to admit that this young man is, clearly, destined to be a significant, driving force in contemporary culture. I mean, okay, maybe he’s not a politician or a philosopher or a man of science, but hey, neither were the Beatles and most people will admit they were pretty damn influential in their way.

So, I apologize, “Rain.” My hat is off to you. Check out those moves at around the 1:10 mark!

And not only do I concede your power to sway the future of pop culture, I’ll go a step further than that. I will make you a firm guarantee, and I will stand by it. Mark my words: By the mid 1980s? Everyone will be dancing like that.

The posters for this show ask a compelling question: “What happens when two 23-year-old guys write a show about four 20-year-old guys?”

Hmmm.

I dunno.

What does happen when two 23-year-old guys write a show about four 20-year-old guys?

You get a multi-million-dollar Broadway spectacle that sounds like it was written by a couple of 23-year-olds?

A mass, “told you so” eyebrow-smirk is affected by everyone who has ever met said 23-year-olds and averred that “the only thing that could possibly make me more convinced those guys are gay is if they actually teamed up and wrote a freaking musical together?”

The world finally, at long last, gets a much-needed and long-overdue insight into the musical and pop cultural preferences of 20-something white men?

Within a week, the producers are reduced to adorning the marquis outside the theater with the “Perfect!!! I LOVE this musical!!!” blurb that’s automatically generated any time Liz Smith or Pat Collins hits the F12 key on her laptop?

Somewhere, another real musical-theater writer realizes, yet again, that it’s still not too late to just give up and go to law school?

Who can say? That’s the beauty of it.

Dear the People who sent us a ten thousand page (yes, you read that right, that is: a number of pages signified by the numeral “1” followed by four zeros) PDF table, comprised of a half-million (yes, that's 500,000) entries across sixteen columns, which you asked us to convert to Word so that it could then be placed in an Excel spreadsheet; a project which the entire department of like, fifteen people have been working on around the clock for about the last three solid weeks, and which was finally completed on Saturday afternoon, who decided -- on Sunday morning -- that you didn’t need it after all?

Thank you for doing that while I was on vacation.

Seriously, when I finally ascend to power, your deaths, though inevitable, will be relatively quick and painless.

Best,
Rosey

EDITED TO CLARIFY: I was not actually en vacances during the entire process, only during the final week, during which the crunch was on to finish the job, and during which the decision was made that we might as well not have bothered. The way I understand it, the job was finished, the author was notified, and the response was like, "oh, did you still have that? Yeah, we figured out that none of that actually had to happen. I'm surprised nobody told you. Huh."

http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/futurama/index.jhtml

Only two and a half more days to all-new episodes of Futurama! Unless of course you went and bought the stupid movie, in which case, I wash my hands of you.

Edited to add: Everyone is allowed to read/respond to this post. I only titled it this way because I thought it would be funny. It's not really a personal message to David.

So, several months ago, I subscribed to the website for Kenny & The Eggplants. Which, okay.

It’s kind of hard to explain, but they are just my best, most dearly beloved musical phenomenon. For the uninitiated, it’s almost impossible to – okay. Kenny & The Eggplants is kind of like, if the Mountain Goats had considerably less actual, formal musical training? But a much, much more highly developed sense of slapstick. And bongos. Oh, and also? If they sing a song about a swamp monster? They probably mean an actual, you know. Monster. From a swamp. Probably a toxic one, most likely in New Jersey.

Anyway, a while back they finally, finally put up a website, and there was an email list you could subscribe to, where they would let you know when they were going to be performing live in your area. So I subscribed, and they confirmed, and even though they’re actually from Brooklyn, they perform mostly in Edinburgh now, and I think largely live there too. So it’s not that often that they’re in New York. And months go by, and I never hear anything from them so I just assumed that they weren’t going to be here any time in the foreseeable. Except today, just out of curiosity, I went to look at the website, and it’s no longer in existence. They do, however, have a Myspace now. With a list of their upcoming shows. Including one in NYC. Like, next week. Which is kind of irritating, because there’s no way I can do that, because of my work schedule. I mean, they have another one in April that I might be able to see, but still.

Anyway. It sucks when the people you really love aren’t really famous, or at least famous enough to have "people" for this kind of thing. And are also totally disorganized.

Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years

Girlfriend was physically stuck to the seat — her skin had grown around it.


My favorite part of this article is the following quote: “It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said of the bathroom incident. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”

It really doesn’t surprise me.

I think we can all feel a little bit better about our own lives now, can’t we? Because no matter how bad things may occasionally look, no matter how our confidence and self-esteem may sometimes fail; no matter how we may at times worry about how we appear to others, I think I can say with some confidence that if you are reading this right now – i.e., if you are on my friends list – should you ever become permanently affixed to the toilet seat of a loved one, at the very least, someone in your immediate family or social circle would consider it at least a little bit out-of-character for you.

“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said.

"It's true," confirm's Ellis sister Earnise. "We always knew she'd wind up stuck to a toilet seat eventually. It seemed kind of ineveitable. She just had that look about her."

Area dry cleaner Myrtle Bouchard told this reporter: "Whenever you'd pass her in the street and say, 'Hey, Kory, how you doin'?' she'd always answer, 'Oh, I'm okay. You know, right now I just need to go pick up a dozen eggs and some Cheez-Its, but later on I'm planning to spend a couple of years stuck to my boyfriend's toilet seat.' I always just assumed she meant it metaphorically."

Not all those we spoke to took the situation quite so easily in stride, however. “Stuck to a what?” asked neighbor Florin Gilchrest. "You are kidding me! Although,” he added, “in fairness, I was two years behind her in high school, and I seem to remember now that junior year, she was voted 'Girl Most Likely to End Up with her Ass Grown Up Around her Boyfriend’s Toilet Seat.' But still, at the time, I didn't attach any significance to it. Shows to go you, I guess.”

Last night I left work at around 8 o’clock, and the last I had heard, only the Vermont vote had been reported, and Obama had supposedly won there. I had to do some grocery shopping on the way home, so by the time I got back to my apartment, washed my hair, made myself a cup of tea and put on my nightgown, it was around 10, so I watched The Office, then turned on The Daily Show at 11. Since TDS tapes at like 5 in the afternoon, there was no more information available, and it wasn’t a particularly good show last night, so I turned it off early and went to sleep at around 11:15.

This morning, at 3:40 a.m., I woke up to a single flash of lightening in the courtyard outside my bedroom window, followed by a single ominous rumble of thunder. This was the dream from which I awakened:

I was standing on the back porch of my great aunt and uncle’s house. This is sort of significant because over the years I have come to realize that their house, in my dreams, represents my personal sort of “home base,” the neutral safe zone of my own life. In the dream, as in real life, there was a huge, open tract of flat land, about an acre or so, behind the house, and I was standing on this back patio looking out at it. It was nighttime, and very dark; no moon or stars, eerily silent, with just this dark empty space all around me. I wasn’t afraid or anything, just, as I say, sort of neutral. Suddenly I thought I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked I saw what appeared to be a young black man sitting in the yard, obviously very deeply distressed about something. I asked if he was okay, and when he answered, I saw that there were actually two people sitting there, and they were both very upset because they no one was telling them anything; they were afraid Obama was dead, and possibly had been assassinated. All anyone knew was that he was gone and nobody had heard from him and nobody knew anything. At that moment I remembered that before I came out onto the porch, I had heard something on the news on TV, that Obama had made a public statement reassuring everyone that he was alive, and that they should remain calm and not worry. I told the two people in the yard that (it was so dark I could barely make out shapes, so I couldn’t see exactly who they were) and when I said this, I heard a voice coming from the other direction, asking if I knew anything else. When I turned to answer no, I saw that there were more and more people in the yard. They just kept appearing there in groups of twos and threes, until almost immediately the whole flat, bare acre was filled with people, all of them sitting quietly on the ground, with this sort of terrible, painful attitude of foreboding. I knew that since I was the only one there who had the information they needed, I’d better go out and pass it along, so I walked out and sat down with one of the larger groups and told them what I had heard. Once I was sitting closer, I could see that the groups were made up of all different types of people, men women, old, young, middle-aged, and every racial and ethnic group, some who appeared more affluent, some poorer. It was like this cross-section of America all sitting in “my” yard. And all of them were under this terrible, sad pall. Not angry or shouting or frightened, just terribly sad and resigned.

As we sat there in the dark, murmurs started to move through the crowd, rumors were being passed around, and gradually they made their way out our group: Clinton had swept all the day’s primaries, and had effectively won the nomination, but had apparently won Ohio in “a landslide,” and everyone was saying that she had won Ohio the way Bush had won Ohio: the voting machines were rigged, and everything was basically over because she signed on with the Bush puppetmasters to win the election in November. She would win everything through fraud and manipulation, and be so deeply in debt to the neocons that she would basically be the most horrifying president imaginable: basically, exactly like G.W. Bush in every way, except smart.

And we all put our arms around each other and wept and mourned, not just for democracy or for the country, but for ourselves and for humanity, because we knew that within two years we’d all be dead.

And that’s when I woke up, and I saw the lightening, and heard the thunder.

Okay, you know what I just noticed is even weirder and more awful about that movie than I realized? It's not coming out until June.

They started advertising it -- not showing previews in theaters, but actually running commercials for it on television -- in February , and it's not coming out until June. That's what you do with something that you either think is going to be the biggest blockbuster of the year, or that you're trying to build a "Snakes On a Plane" caliber of perversely awful advance controversy around.

I wonder which one the producers had in mind?

Last night, at 11:18 pm EST, during a commercial break on The Daily Show (Comedy Central, Channel 45 on Time Warner Cable in New York), this



through no fault of my own, appeared on my television screen.

I am — well, let’s just say lots of years old. I have seen quite a few bad commercials for terrible movies (among other things) in my time. But this is literally the first time in my life that I have ever found myself sitting alone in my living room, blank-faced with horror and revulsion, thinking “oh my God, this is unquestionably the worst, most appalling thing ever committed to celluloid.” I mean, think about it. Trailers usually contain the best parts of the movie; if this is the best, what must the rest of it look like?

Truly, I felt a sense of unimaginable resentment, anger and bewilderment just watching the damn thing for two minutes. And I don’t even have any particular problem with Mike Meyers. This is just … oh, my sweet lord. Somebody tell me, am I wrong? Am I over-reacting? Holy jiminy crickets. What are we to make of this?

1 NY1 “At 7:57 p.m., it’s 60 degrees and cloudy, and traffic is backed up all the way to the GWB.”
2 WCBS “Next up: CSI, followed by CSI Miami. Tune in tomorrow for CSI New York, followed by the premiere of CSI Green Bay. And tonight on the CBS News at 11, a look behind the scenes at the upcoming “CSI Tulsa.”
3 TNT “In the criminal justice system … “
4 WNBC “In the criminal justice system …”
5 FOX (WNYW) “We were on a break!”
6 Nickelodeon “And the lamp is my friend, and the sofa is my friend. And Ruffles is my friend.”
7 WABC “Look, I swear to God, Sunday’s almost here. No, really! It’s Tuesday, right? But it’s Tuesday night, which is practically Wednesday, which is just one day short of Thursday, and come on, who watches TV on Friday and Saturday? So like, technically, it practically is Sunday already, so just sit tight for a little longer, and then Lost will be on. Okay? For God’s sake, it’s a only couple of fucking days!!!!”
8 TBS “We were on a BREAK!”
9 MyNetworkTV (WWOR) “Wait, aren’t we off the air? What? UPN? Oh, right. That was when we had Buffy. But this is different? Really? Are you sure?”
10 CNN “… today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
11 CW11 (WPIX) “We were on a BREAK!”
12 Lifetime “We were on a BREAK!”
13 Thirteen (WNET) “… but despite all this, PBS continues to be relevant. And coming up after this pledge break, it’s another full hour of “Are You Being Served?”
14 ABC Family “But … wait a minute. If you’re in here … how could you be out th…? Whooaaaa!!!”
15 CNBC “… whom CNN have reported today reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
16 A&E Coming up after Paranormal State, it’s a full hour of Criss Angel, Mindfreak, and as soon as that’s over, we’ll get right on to something artistic and/or entertain — oh, no, sorry. I’m just being told that that is not, in fact, the case. Never mind.”
17 The History Channel “And that’s how an ingot becomes a mallet tip. Coming up next, how they get the dots on dice. Yep, two thousand years of civilization, and this is what it all comes down to.”
18 The Discovery Channel “I’ll admit this one surprised me, but apparently, it really isn’t possible to hollow out a dead baby and use it to smuggle cocaine out of Mexico by concealing it in a Snuggly. So, I guess we’re gonna have to call that one busted.”
19 VH1 “In our Number 9 piece of Web Junk this week, a guy’s toupee falls off.” “Now check out Web Junk number nine, in which a guy’s toupee falls off.” (Cut to video of guy’s toupee falling off.) And in this week’s piece of Web Junk number 8, a weird old guy yammers incoherently about something.” “Hey, now it’s time for Web Junk number 8, which features a weird old guy doing some incoherent yammering.” (Cut to video of weird old guy yammering incoherently.)
20 MTV “… but I really believe that if anything’s going to straighten her out, it’s going to be her love for her kids.”
21 WLIW (21) Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. Shoo-doop dooby-doo. Shoo-doop dooby dooo. *
22 Cartoon Network Incongruous photograph.
Chiron: “Yeah, even we realize there are only so many times we can run Family Guy in a single week without it starting to seem desperate. But what are you gonna do?”
Incongruous photograph with small detail irrelevantly animated.
Network logo.
23 Court TV “It wasn’t supposed to happen to Andrea. She was beautiful and popular. It was supposed to happen to someone dumpy, and socially awkward.”
24 E! “Wow, those telenovelas are pretty wacky, huh? But not as wacky as those folks on Jerry Springer. Check this out!”
25 WNYE “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
26 SportsNet New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
27 MSG “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
28 ESPN “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
29 ESPN-2 “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
30 YES Network “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!”
31 WPXN “Pa! Mr. Edwards is stuck in the well!”
32 Shop NBC “Now, where are you gonna find argyle socks of this quality for under six dollars a pair? And at twelve pairs for twenty, you’re practically making money.”
34 - QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble diasporas mumble (feedback whine)”
35 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble JEEESUS! mumble (feedback whine)”
36 Spike TV “Hahahahahahahaha! Ahahhahahahahahaaha! Ha ha ha HAAAAAA!!! That’s GOTTA hurt.”
37 Headline News “And according to CNBC, CNN has reported that earlier today, they reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
38 Bravo “In the criminal justice system …”
39 HSN “And you just will not believe how fast it works. Now, just to give you some idea, we used the enhancer on just Charelle’s right breast, just so you can see the difference.”
40 USA “In the criminal justice system …”
41 Univision (WXTV) Goooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
42 BET Whut’s. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!” (thirty seconds of inexplicable hooting and screeching.
43 MSNBC “Now, according to CNBC, CNN is reporting that earlier today, the Post reported an unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
44 Sci Fi “… that his next leap will be the leap … h-h-h-home.”
45 Comedy Central “You are now watching MadTV. After which, you will be watching MadTV again. Subsequently, and for most of the next three hours, you will still be watching MadTV. After that, three back-to-back episodes of Scrubs, followed by a special MadTV marathon until eleven, after which it’s the Daily Show. So, basically it’s safe to just turn off the set until eleven, and then switch over to Conan to avoid a solid hour of Mind of Mencia, followed at one a.m. by MadTV.”
46 Fox News “How dare you even suggest that?” No, how dare YOU?!” No, how dare YOU!?!!???” “NO, HOW DARE YOU!?!??!” “How dare – oh, God oh God oh God it’s OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER! It’s ALL OOO-HO-HO-HO-VE-HER-HER-HER-HER!” “ Sniff. Whimper. But you know, in a way, you have to admit. It’s … almost kind of a relief, you know?” “HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING?” “No, how dare you?” “No, HOW DARE YOU!??!”
47 Telemundo (WNJU) “Estábamos en una break!”
48 Fox Sports New York “Oh, that’s gotta hurt!” “How DARE you?!?”
49 Disney Channel “Wait – there are TWO of you!??!”
50 Food Network "With less than fifteen minutes on the clock, the contestants are really feeling the heat: Team Luciano are facing a fondant crisis, and the judges don’t look any too pleased about those dragee violations …”
51 TV Guide Channel “So, explain to me again – why would you even want to look like Paris Hilton?”
52 TLC (The Learning Channel) “I got eight thousand of them for only three cents each, and I was thinking we’d stick them all over the walls.”
“Um.”
“No, trust me. It’ll work!”
53 Galavision “MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL DOLARES!!!!”
54 AMC “Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.”
55 WLNY “That concludes our re-broadcast of the annual lighting of the Big Duck. Coming up next, aerial footage of lighthouses, followed at ten by the Corn Index.”
56 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble kick-ASS new band mumble (feedback whine)”
57 QPTV/BCAT “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble the MAN mumble (feedback whine)”
58 FX “Coming up next on FX, it’s Bryan Brown in F/X. Then at 10:30, it’s F/X 2, only on FX.”**
59 WE: Women's Entertainment “It’ like television, only for people with vaginas!”
60 C-SPAN 2 “Now, according to both MSNBC and CNBC, CNN is already reporting that the Post has reported this unsubstantiated and suspiciously self-serving rumor, which we will now devote the next hour to repeating as if it were news …”
61 Oxygen “Next on Tyra, we’ll be reuniting teen prostitutes with the mothers who abandoned them, and giving them all fabulous makeovers!”
62 Lifetime Movie Network “This Friday at nine, a Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV world premiere, starring Meredith Baxter Birney, Tori Spelling and Ashley Tisdale. As three generations of Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV-movie stars, in the Lifetime Movie Network original made-for-TV movie premiere: Meredith, Tori and Ashley, a Lifetime Movie Network Original Made-for-TV Premiere. Based on a harrowing true story.”
63 WMBC I have no freaking idea what this is.
64 HGTV Coming up on HGTV, the Design on a Dime team updates a drab, Victorian-style parlor with a touch of slick, 1970s-retro flash. Then, Debbie Travis revives a hopelessly flashy and out of date 1970s family room and gives it the warm look of a cozy, Victorian style parlor.
65 National Geographic Channel Next up on “Was the Moon Landing a Fake?,” we spend an hour an twenty minutes to conclude that in fact, it wasn’t. Then on “Has Time Travel Already Happened?” ditto. Remember when people used to consider this an educational channel?
67 Azteca America “Octubre 23 - Noviembre 21: Escorpio. Tu energía mental y fuerza espiritual están perfectamente en sintonía ¡y tu intensidad personal crece! Es un buen momento para atraer la atención, y asegurarte de que tus amigos estén bien.
68 Telefutura (WFUT) “Estamos en la televisión! En el futuro!!!”
69 There is NOOOOOOOOOO … Channel 69.
70 C-SPAN Coming up this Saturday on C-SPAN Radio, listen to some of President Lyndon Johnson’s secretly recorded 1967 phone calls with Attorney General Ramsey Clark, from the latest release of tapes by the LBJ Library and Museum in Austin, Texas.***
71 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble crack epidemic in our streets mumble (feedback whine)”
72 The Weather Channel BOOM! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! CRACKLE!! FLASH! BOOM!
73 - NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble astonishing new off-off-Broadway play mumble (feedback whine)”
74 NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble totally amazing independent film mumble (feedback whine)”
75 CUNY NYC TV “Mumble mumble (muffled bad-mike squeaky sounds) mumble just discovered this awesome new remaster of the great blues man mumble (feedback whine)”
76 Arabic TV Temporarily off-air.
77 ITV Coming up next, yet another evening of mediocre British programming for those people who, despite living in Brooklyn, are inexplicably interested in keeping up with “Coronation Street.”
78 Chinese Prime “You have shamed your father, and dishonored your family!”
79 Showtime “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
80 HBO “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
81 IFC (Independent Film Channel) It doesn’t really matter what’s coming up next, right? Because you are such a fucking serious devotee of the “cinema,” you wouldn’t be caught dead watching anything so plebian as a TV show to begin with, right? Right? You pretentious asshole.
82 Turner Classic Movies “You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
83 Ovation Okay, smartass. You want actual Arts & Entertainment? It’s another eighteen bucks a month, or just content yourself with another episode of “Parking Wars.”
84 ESPN Classic “Oh, Broadway Joe! That’s gotta hurt.”
85 TV Land “Luuuuuucyyyyyyyyyy.”
86 Animal Planet “Awwwww!”


* That one was really just for me.
** I don’t actually get this channel. I have no idea what’s on it. Sorry.
*** This is an actual thing. I did not make this up.