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Friday, March 23rd, 2007
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2:37 am - Redemption
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I just read through some emails from team Malawi - a group of amazing friends with whom I've shared some life-changing experiences, on my first trip to sub-Saharan Africa...where I want to spent the rest of my life. They are a significant group of people. One took on a different kind of significance than the rest, then decided to drop it after a couple of months. It has hurt like hell, and I've gone through many many different stages of hurt and anger and despair. I've also had many turning points, many beautiful, yet intensely painful, times of hanging on to God for dear life. Tonight as I read through some emails of preparation for the life-changing trip, one reaction was to divert from any emails from this person, then I decided to go ahead and read some. Wow. The freedom. The lack of pain. The love between this team. God, God, God, don't let me let go of it. Don't allow me to chuck it in the garbage. Please, God, allow me to forgive, forget, and live free. I really really don't know how to do this. I don't know how to communicate, but I do know that God reigns. And this is my sibling in Christ. I cannot be separated from that. Lhumdulillah. It was a beautiful and freeing few minutes of reading. I feel a little strengthened, a little healed, a little more free. There is light. There is sunlight. There is blinding light in the face of God. And what else can be seen after that? Nothing. None of the issues, none of the hurt, just the glory of God!
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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12:25 am - Things from my day......
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UBER breakfast with Alex and Owen. Beautiful. Set me up until about 4pm!
An hour spent listening to and transcribing Kinyarwanda (a language of Rwanda, also spoken in Democratic Republic of Congo and Uguanda). Also beautiful.
Finding a dead mouse in the recycling box....
Making soup with 3 times too much black pepper.....
Getting excited about the potential of doing a geography degree...(what?!?!?!) Hope has been born!
Hearing mice IN my bedroom, UNDER my bed - IN my stuff. And finding their droppings on our stores of toilet paper....not impressed.
Trying to kill them all with poison.
Nearly finishing my essay, and realising that this, even this, is for God. So that's why I'm spending days on it!
current mood: wee bit tired....
current music: next door
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| Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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9:54 am
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GIVE ME J.......(give me J)
GIVE ME E......(give me E)
GIVE ME S
GIVE ME YOOOO
ANADA S
IT IS WELL...........(it is well)
WITH MY SOUL...(with my soul)
IT IS WELL
IT IS WELL
WITH MY SOUL!
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My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious though,
My sin, NOT IN PART, but the WHOLE
Was nailed to the cross,
And I bear it NO MORE
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!!
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| Monday, November 6th, 2006
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1:06 pm - I'm in pain
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I'm horribly tired, but need to stay awake and write 1000 words for a 4000 word project...in the next 2/3 hours...but my flat's really cold, so even though I've got a massive jumper, and socks and shoes...I've put a fan heater next to me as I work...but it's drying out my eyes so it feels like when I blink I'm scraping my eyeballs.....gosh...
Just a few more days!.......and then a few more weeks/months/years...but after the next few days at least I'll be able to get some sleep...I need to cut out coffee.
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| Friday, November 3rd, 2006
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1:13 am
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Mli knkrai bzaf, kntkif bzaf...
Mashi mzien?...
current mood:  working
current music: Mountains High
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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11:16 pm - The problem
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It's so one-sided.
It just hit me.
That's the problem.
I don't see things clearly.
Becky's just painted me a picture, but it's behind a window with condensation, and only now have I been able to wipe a little away. I can see a little of reality in this, but it's still streaky, like when you wipe the mirror after a shower - it never really works very well - there's still too much steam in my room - clouding it up again. Every day a battle to see reality through this glass.
And it hurts to be blinded.
But life goes on, and God is the ultimate provider of everything I'm trying to see in this 'dim mirror'.
One problem, or maybe just challenge, is where my bedroom lies.
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| Friday, March 10th, 2006
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4:16 am - Too many references
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Stroke..Alzheimers..Colin's Gmother..Dunblain..divorce..stroke.
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| Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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11:33 pm - gnemshi f lmalawi! = I'm going to Malawi!
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I don't remember if I posted about this, so a wee quick summary this fine eve will have to do.
I am going to Malawi in June with a team of students (all meds... - min ghir ana) to run some camps for young people, train leaders, do projects (such as income-generating projects) and maybe food programs, if required. Then the team are leaving after 4 weeks and I'm going to stay with one other team member and go to an orphanage to help out with whatever there is to do! - maybe some admin, painting, building, hanging with the kids! :) And just see what God's got for us to do!!!
A few months ago I went to Sheffield for a Fusion weekend (an org that links students from around the UK) and a guy spoke over me with 'you're going to be with a lot of children, no LOTS of children - more that you're thinking of. And it's going to be in different countries' He also said, the word that has been sewn into me throughout my life is becoming flesh and it makes me feel a bit weird, or a bit different, but it's ok. This is so exciting, coz yeah I do feel different sometimes, and it's just because God's made me different, put me on a unique journey and he's taking me through His own path for me, and making his word flesh, making Himself real and more firmly placed in me. With the kids thing - it made me so excited and made the verse 'God has a plan and a purpose for you life' actually real to me. I realised it's never been so real to me as at that moment. Then I thought about my year in Morocco - this guy basically just described it to me - without EVER having talked to me...and I realised that the things I was doing, and my mindset was a bit askew...I thought 'ok, thats the Morocco part done (he changed my mindset on that one the last day with the team in Fes), and that's the nannying thing done, tick the box, move on...then at Sheffield, I realised, no, this makes much more sense - why would i be in Morocco looking after kids if it wasn't training for something in the future?! I feel like I'm so dense sometimes and I can't see stuff like that, but maybe God just chooses when to reveal it to us! So anyway, my point was that this Malawi opportunity seems to be one of the next steps to fulfilling what God said through the guy in Sheffield, and an amazing gift to continue to walk it in.
I realised I've always been used to being at the start, or at the bottom of things...like I was always the youngest in the people I was around growing up - youngest of 4 kids, younger than 95% of my friends, youngest in the workplace, youngest in the school year, now youngest(-ish) in uni life....And it scares me to go beyond that, which is where God's taking me. It's scary to be asked questions, and expected to know answers, it's scary to be responsible for someone else. It's scary to go to Malawi, and do what I'm planning to do. I am scared. I need a vast bucketload of blessing and loads of prayer just to survive it, and then to thrive in it. I want to represent Jesus in the more accurate way possible, and I want to bless these kids and young people as much as is possible with God's help. I want to be alive and bring life, and I want to step out the way when I need to and let God put me in the forefront when God wants to.
I'm scared of a lot, but at the same time, I'm not at all. It's a funny ol' thang.
God is amazing. I can't believe everything that God's giving to us as a team and to me as a person and to the projects financially, and through friends and everything I have: I can't believe it! It's amazing.
La la la la la la la life is beautiful!
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I realise this turned out to be v different from what I planned.....Lhumdolilah!
current mood:  tired
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| Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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10:53 pm
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Ana farhana. nta mashi hena, walakin, nta f qlbi. w daba, hada has to be safi. Ana farhana alahqash thibi, w nhibk. mazal...wesh hada mzien ma' allah? mafahimtush, kulkum, walakin hadak mzien - husni nbi buhedi shimra. Shimra husni ntkilm ma'ya...wesh ana croizi? aye probably. Walakin, ana farhana w ma' allah - ma' aisa. safi. lhumduli'isa. w daba ana farhana, walakin 'andi lwrqa bash nktub. Mzien...sir soc anth!
Yimken ghinktub blnjlizia mra jiad....
(=maybe I'll write in English next time)
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
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5:12 pm
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I thought - 'get out of my head'....
so why were your words still in my ears?...
Advice - take the headphones out.
current music: shiwahed...:P
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| Monday, February 6th, 2006
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12:32 am - WOW
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| Thursday, January 26th, 2006
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2:53 pm
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I didn't know as I sing to you, you sing to me,
I didn't know as I am who you called me to be, you are dancing!
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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11:20 pm
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And....we're back. Have felt surprisingly tired and drained for too long and am going to take a WHOLE day off on Sunday back home to drop off my car and recover, insha'yahweh. Have been swinging back and forth about whether to continue Geography. Am undecided at the moment, but I don't think Anthropology with neccessarily get me to where I wanna be, doing what I wanna be doing. I mean, I really DON'T wanna be paid for sitting in an office thinking about some theories...I wanna be doing it. While thinking about bettering it - always, but not in an office.....I wanna be on the field. Field of....whatever.....dreams? mission? daisies?......
Walakin daba.....to the prev. post...wow! that's the way it goes. daba, husni n3rf wesh heda mzien? right?
And on to bed....
current mood: ayana, aoud tenni (yimken ashr
current music: some ol' Travis track.....mmmm...:S
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| Friday, December 30th, 2005
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2:52 pm - Nta
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Aji andi. husni nta, walakin ghinimshi f sheblasa ahora. Ah well. kulshi will be mzien, insha'yahweh. mli Ana ma'k, Ana farhana, walakin daba? Fin nta? Aji andi.
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| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
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10:50 pm
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Woo! Exams and coursework are finito! Safi, LhumduliYahweh! Now I'm working bezef in the deli, and tomorrow have a day off! Woo!
Looking forward to Christmas for many reasons - one being to see ma famille, parce que I've not spent quality time with them for yonks, and my bro's just back from Belguim, where he's been for ages...! Also to see ma famille du Maroc - I think they're coming back for Christmas, which will be AWESOME! One day while waking up I think, still lying in bed, just remembering the kids, I suddenly remembered I might see them really soon! I got so excited! Woke me up good and proper! :) I'm also looking forward to sleeping, and seeing friends who I've really not seen in a long time. Twil be great!
Just now I should prob go to bed, but I've discovered my flatmate's DVD collection....sweet! :P
So I might go and curl up with a blanket, some mulled wine, maybe a mince pie (christmas style, not butcher style!) - and watch a movie. Ahhh this IS the life! Yay for days off! :)
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| Sunday, December 11th, 2005
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11:20 pm - Inspire me
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I'm trying to finish off a project on Tagalog...a Filipino/Indonesian language....I haven't eaten in about 10 hours (well, I had a piece of cake maybe 5 or 6 hours ago) and the litre of water I've drunk is sloshing around my stomach...I also got up early this morning after not quite enough sleep so that I could do extra work on it.
I need food and sleep, and to get OUT of this library!
current mood: ayana u jiana
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| Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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4:04 pm
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numero jooj DOWN! On with numero telata! And that damn project...grr.
Am listening to an awesome CD I got in Essaouira, Morocco. It started in French, then some English, and I'm sure there's some Arabic in there. It's so funky - I'm surprised! I bought it coz of the album cover - I'm not gonna try and describe it....words wouldn't do it justice. But it's cool anyway.
Anthropology....Linguistics...ooh, they're both so tempting!
current music: 'Match Bettikh' - Souk System, Diffusion
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| Monday, December 5th, 2005
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1:49 pm
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Just finished my 1st exam (woo!) And am working on my 3rd...don't ask me why...
I also need to work on a stupid liguistics project...uch, it's just stupid coz of the hand in date...2 days after an exam...really...
started working with my new boss on Saturday. Was a lot better than I was expecting, although she said her partner's really racist, and there's just no excuse. I hate it, and won't hide the fact if it comes to it. It's just unacceptable to make someone lower in your view of them because of where they're from/where their parents are from/the colour of their skin/whatever...stupid. I wanna fight him. Knock some sense into his head.
But apart from that (he doesn't even work there anyway..) it was good. And the 8-hour wasn't half as bad as I expected...I've been used to working just 6 hours or so...and this shift didn't finish til 8pm...which felt like the middle of the night, coz it was getting dark at half 3 or 4...
Next shift is RIGHT after my last exam...which won't be fun. I'll actually have to rush from the exam to get to work on time. She didn't even give me a wee hour off...but that's ok!!
Anyway, back to studying for it!
current mood:  ayana
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| Thursday, December 1st, 2005
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10:36 pm
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NTaibt u nshrbt l'3tay b na3na3 maghrbia zween hed lil. Zween bezaf!
I made and drank Moroccan mint tea tonight - it was beautiful! Memories! and it actually tasted Moroccan! Sweet. (literally!)
It stemmed from one of my mind's though trails while studying - and I just remembered sitting in a cafe and a big glass of mint tea would arrive, but it'd be too hot to handle, coz the tea would be right up to the rim. And the mint leaves would be swimming about in there. It's awesome! In some ways I'd really love to go back. In many ways...but recently I've been questioning if I should....I hope I get an answer in time!
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| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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9:41 pm
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What does it mean when it's not real any more?
What does it mean when the truth doesn't seem truthful any more? Like the everything else makes more sense than the truth...that's a sad place to be.
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