Seven hours from now, my brother will board the plane going to US to continue his studies, and I won't see him again for God know how long. I haven't posted in a while, but I am painfully forgetful when it comes to dates, and I wish to remember this time most of all.
  
We never really got along. He's the most ANNOYING person I know, but he is my brother and I love him. He is my brother, and I'm proud of him. He's finally achieving his dreams and  I only hope to follow in his footsteps someday.  I can never tell this to him in person even if I wanted to. He knows me enough that whatever feelings and emotions I do feel, I express it better when written down, or I don't express it at all. So, If he ever manages to find this post, he'll know.

    I'm having a BAD day today. It's just so frustrating! My temper's flaring and everybody just keeps doing stupid things around me! In short I'm simply in no mood to tolerate any form of blatant KATANGAHAN and stupid errands and stupid brothers are one of 'em. In fact right now, I'm punching the keys so hard just tryin' to simply take it all out on something. Sometimes I wish I don't care what people think or say about me, because if I didn't I'd scream at the top of my lungs right now, just to clear my head and to get whatever heavy feeling is out of my chest. The fact is however, I DO care about what people think of me... Sometimes, I care too much.

    When I say "people", I'm not talking about strangers; more like people I know in some way,  intimately or not.  It mostly comes from the fact that I hate not being able to live to somebody's expectations; especially that of my family's.  So I started caring... eversince more and more people I  KNOW started having  more and more expectations of me.  I wish I can just punch somebody!

Well, I think I've calmed down a little. I'm sure I'll be laughing at this entry by tomorrow :)

Well vacation time officially starts today for me. You people have no idea how happy I am right now! Anyway, I just bought the L'arc en Ciel CHRONICLES cd... It was so worth the money :) I love watching L'arc's old videos. Especially this one:

(I've been obsessing about this song and video for the past three days, and I can't still get over how pretty HYDE is! He's just so gorgeous with the curly hair and everything! HYDE's probably the only celebrity I know--so far-- that can be beautiful and handsome at the same time ;) I mean LOOK AT HIM! And oh my gosh that VOICE! I love the song btw.)

Blurry Eyes



Anyway I just found this other performance by L'arc called "Hoshizora" and I just love how HYDE looks so natural here. He doesn't put up any stage look or anything and it seems like he's just singing his heart out :)

Hoshizora

I have no idea why, but for some reason I'm in my "POT mood" (Prince of Tennis) and I can't seem to get enough of it. Just a few hours ago, I was watching all my favorite episodes (mostly every FujixTezuka-related episode) of POT and right now I'm surfing the net for fanfics and videos that are actually worth my time. Sadly, all I've found so far are mostly crap, which explains why I'm updating my journal.

Anyway, I've been frustrated for the last few days. It's no surprise that with the upcoming summer vacation, the assignments/exams/papers will slowly but surely be piling up again. In a way, the tension of the fast-approaching "hell week" is starting to get to me, (among other things) and it's so frustrating that my only source of relaxation is non-existent! Nobody's been updating my favorite fanfics for weeks now, and what's worse the new stories that are popping out of nowhere are again, nothing but "CRAP". Thankfully, there's one or two that are actually worth my time but it's just not enough. I can only read on a few fandoms, (POT,KKM,YYH,YnM,FMA,ID,GB...this entry is meant to be read by ANIME fans btw) and what I read from day to day depends on my mood. So I'm just so annoyed that when I'm in a mood for a certain fandom, I can't find anything good!

Just like today, when I sat down in front of my computer, I was in my KKM mood (just like it has always been for the last few months) and there's nothing to read or watch. It's a good thing I was in my POT mood a while ago and I managed to find this really amusing fanfiction, which is why I'm really thankful for LJ. All the good fanfics I've been reading these days mostly comes from the LJ communities. Its sad I can't count on fanfiction.net anymore. The good fics in there are so scarce and they've erased those that are actually worth reading.

Anyway, this is just me rambling.

The stuffed toy inside the bag was not something I would call cute, even if I'm speaking from the point of view of a six year-old me. The doll could be a cross between a cat and a mouse. The crosses that were on the back an on the sides of the head made it look like a doll for target practice, maybe even for voodoo. It reminded me of the cartoons where an "x" in place of the eyes meant you're dead. The white color of the doll was a turn off as well. I can already imagine my mother's nagging voice of how hard it was to keep a white stuffed toy clean. I'll probably just leave it where I found it.

"THE STUNNING WOMAN ABOVE GENTLY"

Autumn is coming and John can feel th cold through his jacket. "Bitch" he swore softly as he jammed his freezing hands into his pocket. Clearl, this was not what he expected to happen. Dina bad-mouthed him behind his back. Early in the morning he was already freezing and in a vicious mood. Ferociously, he made his way to his office where he knew he would meet the woman who created this scene. Glued to her seat, Dina was expecting John's arrival. Haughtily, she looked at him when she saw his countenance getting clearer and clearer with each of his steps. Irritated for no clear reason, she reviewed the look she'll give him and the lines she'll say. Just as Jon approached her, she forgot all the things she wanted to say. Kelp seemed to be stuck in her throat and words barely registered in her head. Like a deer caught in the headlights, she backed away pressing her back to the wall.

"Maybe I should just apologize," she told herself.

"No, why should I, I'm the girl. I can't do that."

Ongoing people passing by irritated her, she can't think well from the noise they make. Planting his feet down firmly to the ground, John stood resolutely in front of Dina. Quietly, Dina swore. Raising her eyes to look at John, she saw the look on his face and faltered. "Stay for a while, we'll talk."

"Talk about what?" asked John as he casually leaned against a wall and crossed his arms.

"Ultimate decisions," exclaimed Dina as she raised her eyebrow.

"Viscious is what this is turning into," John declared as he dropped antacids in a glass of water.

"Well... I'm kind of tires of fighting too," Dina Admits.

Xerox copies of divorce paper in hand, John screamed out, "Then stop lying to me!"

"You dare accuse me of lying?" Dina said at the top of her voice.

Zealously, Dina held John's hand and said,

"Let's be together."

I'm watching youtube right now, and I went from apathetic to giddy! I started looking for HYDE and Gackt videos, and eventually I just started watching any video with HYDE in it. I'm totally in fangirl mode right now! I don't mean to sound like those brainless cheerleaders we see in movies(no offense to cheerleaders who are reading this) but HYDE is just so adorable! He's so pretty (and I mean PRETTY). I can't really describe him in any other way. He's so feminine and he's got the most amazing voice. Take a hike Sam Milby! This guy's hotness is blazing! Enjoy this video!

Frankly speaking, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I've tried doing them once and I never follow through. I'm quite an indecisive person actually, so once I've decided on something, it's always very likely I might change my mind. The one thing good about this habit of mine though is that, aside from thinking things thoroughly, I always change my mind for the better option. I do believe that the mind is a very fickle thing.

Anyway, I do have a few resolutions in mind I'm just not sure if I'm actually gonna do it. First, is to maintain my grades or improve them. Since I managed to get pretty high grades last semester, it's always stuck in the back of my mind not to ruin it. The problem is I've taken quite a heavy load this semester with four major subjects and my job as a student assistant. It would be nothing short of a miracle if this resolution comes true.

Second on my list, is to always read in advance. This includes doing assignments in advance as well. I'm prone to cramming, so this resolution is more or less a lost cause. In addition to that, I've noticed that most of my professors are so fickle minded (this is to prove my last point) that doing anything in advance would be an utter waste of time. I'm not going to mention any names though, just in case.

Third, is to save money. I'm actually quite proud of myself for TRYING to follow through with this one. I am in truth, trying really hard to save money. The thing is, most of the money I save goes to xerox copies of books and required readings. I took the SA job for this reason and still, for some reason, I always find my self broke. I've been xeroxing non-stop since this semester started, and the cost of which is sometimes Php 200.00 or more! It's no wonder I can't save anything.

Well, so far those are my resolutions; or maybe wishful thinking. The thing is, I just try hard to finish whatever I started. Strangely enough, things always work out for me this way. I'll just live with the present in mind, with a vague view of what lies ahead. I do believe that whatever vagueness I'm currently facing, will eventually clear out.

There is that indistinct humming of the television coming from the living room, the distant echoes of exploding fireworks, mingling with the excited laughter and squeals of the children on the street. These are the sounds that I’ve come to associate and enjoy with the approach of New Year’s Eve. They are now nothing more than an annoying amalgamation of buzz and noise that resonated around the room in which I find myself locked in for the moment.

“Not only do the external relationships melt away and reform in the whispering enclosures of light and shadow and the inner relationships, too, move closer together in a new way…” I closed my eyes and dropped my forehead on the page I was currently reading. The noise continued and I’m beginning to hate myself for hating it. It was my fault really, that I didn’t get to finish the last 50 pages come New Year’s Eve. I shifted my position form the bed to completely lie down and face the ceiling. With only two more days till classes resumed, I am now rushing to finish the 700-page novel, whose writer may as well have been considered the bastard son of Plato and Einstein. Musil was a genius no doubt, but right now I can’t find myself appreciating his work, no matter how good it is. I mourned over my wasted holiday. There’s only thirty minutes left before the clock strikes twelve, and I could hear my family bustling around the house getting everything ready for Medya Noche. My cell phone vibrated beside me. I sighed as I reached for it and flipped it open. The corner of my lips began to rise as I read the message my friend sent me. “Rina ayoko na! Bwisit talaga si Musil! Anong chapter no na?? Happy New Year!” I grinned. It gave me a twisted sense of comfort to know I wasn’t alone in my plight. After all, misery loves company right?

I found myself staring at his eyes. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out what color it was. The light glazing it, colored his irises a shade of almond, or maybe of coffee beans. Sometimes, it even turned black. Right now, those eyes are shining with mirth and laughter. An amused smile stretched over his thin lips, his tongue, flicking over it momentarily to wet it. He lifted his hands, fingers long and tapered, to comb through his short curly black hair. He stood up from where he sat on the couch to stretch his long arms over his head. He took off the jacket he was wearing and flung it somewhere across the room. The tie was now loosened, the sleeves of his polo shirt folded to his elbows and he ungracefully plopped himself down again on the said couch. He turned to his friend and said, “Mike, ten bucks, if you give me twenty bucks.” He was now grinning at his pouting friend. The screen turned black as I pushed the red button on the remote. I’ve seen that episode a number of times already.

There are only a few more chapters left and I'll be done with Musil. I intend to finish my reports on the remaining 2 days of my "vacation". It's a sad thought that while everybody else is yet again celebrating the approach of a supposedly "new and better" year, I'll be stuck inside my room rushing to finish an incredibly boring novel, as lengthy as the unabridged version of Les Miserables (and believe me, it's LONG).

The past few days I've been stuck between reading and surfing the internet. It would seem that recently I have this strange fixation on HYDE and Gackt. If you're familiar with J-Rock and Anime music, the aforementioned names would certainly ring a bell. I just recently saw a film called "Moon Child" with both of them as the main protagonists, and if you're familiar with the "Titanic Syndrome" (you know, the feeling you get after watching the incredibly dramatic movie like "Titanic"), I have to say, I've been feeling the exact same thing for days now, with no signs of coming to an end any time soon. The thing is, I've been a fan of HYDE and Gackt's music for the longest time now, and seeing them act in a film just makes me so giddy I can puke.

Anyway, I brought the topic up because, I've been digging through YouTube and I found this video that almost brought me to tears, and I'm not so sure why it affected me so much. It's a clip from Gackt's concert singing "Moon Child's" theme song "Orenji no Taiyou", roughly translated as "Orange Days". I just found the performance very beautiful. (and i don't use the word beautiful lightly) I have to say, after this performance, I took the song more seriously; meaning, it just made my "favorites" list. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKjdPitcWWM



What I'm writing is just random thoughts but at the very least, the feeling I had over a random song (or video for that matter) urged me to write something; and I did it willingly for once.

This is so frustrating! After being so busy with the christmas shopping rush and all, I was actually hoping that I might be able to spend some quality time reading my favorite fanfictions and watch some videos in youtube; but there's NOTHING! Well, there is something, but nothing that's worth reading or watching! That's why I'm updating! It's because I have nothing else to do. I thought maybe I ought to get something done while I'm thinking of doing something actually FUN on the internet.
I was never a "journal person" to begin with. I always figured that anything worth remembering or anything that makes an impression doesn't need to be written down. So, this updates more or less comes out of necessity (you know, school-wise.)
As to what I've been doing these past few weeks, I'm not even halfway done with Musil. Like I've said, shopping for gifts is always top priority this season. I'm trying to finish watching the season two of "NUMB3RS" as well. I've already bought season three so i'm pretty much rushing to finish all of it before christmas break ends; just to get it out of my system ("NUMB3RS" I mean.) And I bought the dvd of an anime called "Paradise Kiss" a few weeks ago, but I can't make myself watch it. I guess I'm not in the mood yet. I mean, I know it's good! I already saw the first four episodes on ANIMAX, but when you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. That's one of my favorite mottos by the way.
Anyway I just remembered that I needed to find the recipe for Buko Pandan Salad. My Mom needs it for tomorrow's Noche Buena. It's a breath of fresh air actually. We've been having fruit salad every christmas for the past decade, it's good to finally shift to something else for dessert. Merry Christmas Everyone!

I really wouldn't call two weeks worth of homework and reports a "vacation". These days, I'm torn between lying back and being lazy, to finishing Musil's "Man Without Qualities" the sheer length of which would take up most of my time. A friend suggested that maybe I can finish the book in a day; given that I start early in the morning and not stop reading until nightfall. It's not a bad idea really. I've done it once, except the book that I was reading really interested me and this one is a real chore to finish. I'm probably gonna devote two days to finishing the remaining 500 pages and move on to reading the reviews and stuff about it.
Albeit, that's not my only task. I have two upcoming reports for my major subjects, the cw 10 reading list to finish, I have to tackle Aristotle and Plato as well as write the project proposal for NatSci 2.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to going back to school. Everything seemed more organized and not to mention easier. Too much free time in my hands is never a good thing. I tend to be lazy and I wait till the last minute to finish everything, then I cram; and then I complain. Just like what I'm doing now.

I just finished posting my last CW activity and i don't think I have the creative energy to do another one. I'm afraid my brain space is limited to one homework per subject a day, and I'm not even half way through. So I'm gonna save that for tomorrow. Maybe.

The Christmas break is just around the corner and I'm already into the vacation mode. This is a really bad habit of mine. I'm starting to get lazy, and I'm cramming all my papers and projects. I'm glad though. It would seem that I'm not alone in this sentiment. Most of my peers feel the same way as I do! Not only that, some of my professors even admitted to "starting their holiday groove." These are just random nonsense I'm spouting by the way. After posting this, I'm gonna be reading yaoi fanfictions all night long!

Peace!

-- I dreaded my eighteenth birthday. It was, for me, the end of the line between childhood and adulthood. I feared crossing that line. I knew everything would change and I feared that word above all, "change". And yet, when the definite smell of coffee beans and cinammons wafted through my nostrils, I conveniently remembered that coffee was for adults.

-- It was probably the very first time I stood in line waiting for the mall to open. It was unheard of, honestly. Classes all over Metro Manila was suspended due to an upcoming typhoon. There was that definite smell of mist and dew in the air, and that looming gray cloud above frankly told everyone to stay indoors. I didn't want to go home though. If I did I'd have to hand over the "baon" my grandmother gave me and suffer another bout of the "I'm Broke Syndrome." I stood there, shifting from one feet to another and I was fighting the urge to plop down on the ground. The man in front of me looked like he was about to fall off the edge and kept running his stubby fingers through his hair. I felt the corner of my lips lifting. The man smelled like Tatay while in his office break. He smelled of air conditioning and peppermint. He grunted, and fished a red lighter from his pants pocket and a cigarette from his right breast pocket. I think he must've sensed the lot of us glaring at him, and he meekly hid his red lighter and cigarette and started chewing on a gum instead. I hid a another smile behind my hand and turned my head to the side. Definitely like Tatay. He only smelled of peppermint before and after smoking.

White noise; I've always been curious what kind of sound that would be. Now I know. I can see my relatives around me, situated at every corner of the room. Two or three of them sat together in a group, huddled close. It looked as if they were trying to dispel that invisible feeling of coldness that engulfed the brightly lit room. Flushed faces, unnaturally bright eyes, moving lips, and yet no sound. It wasn't completely silent though; something is ringing in my ears. It was a clear sound, blocking the painful sobs and moans that I was almost sure pervaded the room.

A movement. There was a weight in my shoulder. Someone, was touching my shoulder. There was no warmth though. My sense of touch seemed to have disappeared with my sense of sound. It would certainly be the case if I can't feel the handkerchief wiping something from my face.

It was getting harder to breath. I felt like I ran for miles. It was a chore to get oxygen in my lungs. I was heaving. My chest was rising to high and falling to low. It felt tight and it hurt. There's a gripping feeling, like a phantom hand squeezing my lungs, my throat and my heart. My mouth was dry and I tried to swallow, but there was a lump in my throat.
Suddenly, everything seemed to be shaking. Like an earthquake.

"...ng"

"...ing"

"...Ning."

Oh. My mother was shaking me.

She looked tired, exhausted even. The lines that weren't there before marred her face. In a matter of days, she looked as if she aged five years too early. Her mouth stirred on the sides. She was trying to offer me a smile.

"Aren't you going to say goodbye?"

We did an interesting an activity in class today. We were asked to write on a piece of paper a noun, a verb, an adjective, a punctuatiion mark and a number. We had to use what we've written to form a logical story. The paper was passed around and we all had to continue from what the previous person has written. It reminded me of a game I used to play, where one person sings a line of a song and the next person has to continue with another song starting from the last word sang. Anyway this is how the activity turned out:

1. quill
2. read
3. tranquil
4. semi-colon
5. eleven

The quill thought back on its life. As it read on each memory in the past 15 years of its existence, sadness grew deep in its heart. The night was tranquil and it felt lonlier each time. When its owner was still young, it was always used; now it's just on the shelf, eager to be used again. Suddenly, the closet door creaked open. Joy overcame the tiny quill as it felt the warm fingers he has been so used to envelope him that eleventh hour of the day.

Whoever said "live life to the fullest" obviously never went to college. Not being pessimistic and all, but doing term papers and reports 24/7 is not exactly my ideal life. I know, I know, who am I to complain right? I'm getting the best education in the country for a very "low" and "affordable" price! (I hope someone up there in the UP chancellor's office is reading this) Maybe it's just me. I do complain a lot.

And yet, I can't help but feel I should be doing something more productive with my life. I mean, being a student has its perks and all, but honestly, I feel more like a burden and excess baggage when I think about how my parents toil all day just to pay for a such a thing as "education". Again, I am aware that I am spouting (or writing) rubbish, but I do occasionally feel that way.

Maybe my excuse that "I need extra money" isn't really my reason why I took my SA job this semester. I guess I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I'm just trying to quell these feelings of insecurity. It's funny though, my dad was thinking the exact same thing! He told me once that I can continue my studies later and grab the first job opportunity that comes across me. I'm not entirely sure whether he was joking or not, but i seriously thought about it. Despite my claims that I was going to waste my time watching ANIME and House M.D. this past sem-break I did think about some serious stuff! In fact my mom and I discussed the issue if I should work now and study later. Well, seeing as I'm enrolled this semester, that goes to show I made a decision and I'm going to see it through till the end. (as cliché as it sounds)

Anyway it seems like I made the right decision. Things are starting to change for the better. It's not like the "fair-tale-changing-for-the-better- headed-to-a-happy-ending" kinda' thing. The occasional problems like financial problems (does this problem ever end? honestly?), health problems, emotional and psychological problems (hey! I'm writing stuff like this, there must be something wrong with me right?), but thing are really starting to look up. And the best thing about it is I'm being realistic. Because, honestly, I think being realistic is much better than being hopeful.

I think I'll "live life to the fullest" after college.

I'm FREE!!

SEM BREAK GALORE!!! Finally! I can enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I'll be doing nothing but reading fanfics and watching anime!

Our group in Jap10 will be doing a spoof of Hana Yori Dango (cross-dressed) hehehe... I'm very excited about it! I'm playing Domyouji *giggles*

Im definitely going to upload it in youtube! Despite the protests of my male group-mate who played Tsukushi...*evil laugh*

This is so fun. Sometimes I get why Fuji is so sadistic. It's FUN! (sometimes) hehehe!