the art of being richard

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Duh.

Minus the whole woman thing, I think this quiz is fairly accurate. I do belong in London - but it's fucking expensive.

Brokeback Mountain, by the way, keeps me up at night. See it.

The end.

Dear Richard:

You are painfully below average.

Yours,

Graduate Record Examination

p.s. Good luck getting into an awesome Graduate program, bizatch!

Dear 1st semester of senior year:

Eat it.

Thank you.

Richard

I'm done, complete, finished...tomorrow is the GRE, then a month without this (puts hands up in air and motions, referencing the cafe and campus center at Bellarmine).

My Graduate School options:

DePaul University - Chicago, IL
Educational Theatre Program - NYC
UofL
Northwestern School of Social Policy - Chicago, IL

I must narrow these choices down - two, perhaps.

Should I stay or should I go?

I'd be poor in another city...but it would be an adventure.

I'd be unhappy in Louisville, I think...but I'd be able to do what I wanted.

To think, that some people in the world have more legitimate issues to ponder, like hunger and disease...as if. I've got the real world to put off!

Advice?

As the smile ran away from his face

Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place

Tomorrow, I have to open Barnes & Noble, which means I'll be making coffee and scones while you bizatches are still sugar plum fairying it in your beds all snuggly and warm. Fuck you. I have to type up my personal statement fo Grad School applications too. NYU has the better program, but DePaul in Chicago has the more "livable" city. Louisville isn't my home anymore...maybe someday, but not right now.

NYC or Chicago? Any thoughts?

I need to do something. I'm lonely.

Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Dear Jay Chandrasekhar:

Just moments ago, I returned from a screening of your 2005 motion picture "The Dukes of Hazzard" starring Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Jessica Simpson, and Willie Nelson, with cameos by the fantastic Lynda Carter and the impeccable Burt Reynolds.

I disagree with your choice of this particular situational comedy for big screen glory. Why not "Full House," "Family Matters," or "Small Wonders"? If anything, the latter have better plot foundations, more interesting characters, a little more heart, a lot more soul, and less of the words "cooter" and "sumubmabitch"...I'm not saying your movie was terrible, I'm just saying they're not scrambling to put a copy of it in the Library of Congress (it, did, Mr. Chandrasekhar, make '04's "From Justin to Kelly" look like "Schindler's List"). Mr. Knoxville and Mr. William Scott are fine comedic actors; Mrs. Simpson has a screen presence not fully realized since Dolly Parton sang her way into our hearts in "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas".

You weren't given much to work with, so I don't blame you for what happened. It was a failure of communication from the bottom up. You thought there was a lot there, I'm sure - good characters, kick-ass Chargers with Confederate flag decals, backwoods Georgia, etc. - but I'm sure you discovered, as your long unedited car chase scenes show, that you didn't really have a lot of material. I'm anxious to see the sequel, to see the evolution of the Duke Brothers, if Daisy Duke has conquered the bull dyke police officer, if General Lee makes it through another rollicking HotLanta adventure, to see how many more police officers the characters can kill and still get away with it....there's some fascinating polital, social, psychological, and spiritual commentary here, Mr. Chandrasekhar, and for that, I respect you.

I intended for this letter to bash you, to berate you for making me forfeit $5.25 for refreshments, $3.00 for the ticket, and 2 hours of my life to your movie. It was poorly done, I'll admit that, but I guess with anything, it had a few redeeming qualities. Hopefully, a big screen version of DJ Tanner and Co. is in the works (crosses fingers)...until then I'll hold my breath until "Dukes of Hazzard II" arrives in the theaters, not the big theater mind you, just the cheap $3 one.

Thank you for making me smile, in a deliciously Redneck way....I'm never felt so crotch scatching, trucker hat wearing, Confederate flag wavin' proud in my entire life.

Yours,
Richard

"It's like Oprah going to Africa and saying 'Don't cut off your clit.'" - Excuse me? What are these kids studying for.

Oh, ethnocentricity - I get it.

Stupid Bellarmine.

You had me at "Jolly Good" - I will miss you, but I think I'm in love with someone else. I know, I'm just like every other man you've ever known: fickle, stupid, confused - America, though, with it's Big Gulps, it's air-conditioning, Oreo cookies, and chips that are potatoes, fried, and not flavored with chicken, Taco Bell, and driving that is right-side-based is my true love. It was nice to get to know you; I feel like I've known you my whole life. You've given me much. I appreciate things more, I think and I know myself better. You've given me a one night stand, a love for the sauce, and an impeccable ability to drink Jack Daniels and vodka and still wake up at 6:30 a.m. every morning. I could have never learned those things without your help. Oh yeah, you taught me some Shakespeare and some Woman in White too, but that kind of stuff isn't important, it's the social lessons that matter most.

So, I've tucked this under your windshield wiper on your little Volvo because I'm embarrassed to give it to you in person. I love you, Britain, but I'm not in love with you. I'm afraid America has stolen my heart, violence, bigotry, ignorance, Republicans and all. I must leave you now, but wipe those pretentious tears away. I'll be back, someday, when the exchange rate is better and you bitches start driving on the right side of the road.

Yours,
Richard

Peace out.

RCJunior24@aol.com

I leave tomorrow. I'm scared, but excited.

I'll keep you posted.

Until August, if not sooner,
Richard

Congratulations London! I knew you could do it...Eat it Paris...yeah, I said it. Only a few more days until I leave. I feel like a lot is going to change while I'm gone (albeit only for a month, but still). I look forward to coming home to some differences. I won't have a cellphone while I'm there (thank God), so I'll be communicating solely through e-mail, which will also be less frequent, so if you need me for something you have until the morning of July 16th. After 9:00 a.m., the phone is turning off and the Richard Life Revolution begins. Peace out.

just returned from a trip to the valley station wal*mart...far too crowded in there; i will always enjoy target more. only a couple more weeks until i'm throwing back some pints of newcastle in an authentic, non-4th street live pub setting. sweet. i'm really pumped that i get to see candace and meet ady. i've been missing that beotche lately.

life plan revolution version 2.0 - june 2005

candace is going to marry this dude; jen has picked out the song she and i will dance to at her wedding; i have good date intuition - jennifer is going to date this guy whose name starts with an "a" (adam or aaron, i can never get those two straight). always a bridesmaid, never a bride goddammit! :) i'm happy for them, but i will not be dealt the single card for the rest of my life. when i purchased cream of wheat, skim milk, and a reese's peanut butter cup at meijers, the cashier acknowledged my loneliness with a sympathetic glance. when the cashiers start noticing, you know it's bad.

fuck one. one is the loneliest number.

So, I didn't get any applications to date me...eh, what did I expect? I must apologize to Candance for not including her and Ady in my last post about dinner parties and invitations. You both are, of course, invited to my future dinner parties.

I'm getting anxious about London and I need to fucking read. Dammit.

Jen and I watched "The Life Aquatic" last night - great movie. Bill Murray is a great actor.

I guess that's all for now.

Ricardo

...to the lasting power of literature...

"Men! They are the enemies of our innocence and our peace-they take us body and soul to themselves, and fasten our helpless lives to theirs as they chain up a dog to his kennel. And what does the best of them give us in return?" - Marian Halcombe -
~ The Woman in White, by Wilkie Collins

How true it is, Marian, how true it is. Spoken like a true ultra-feminist lesbian. This Wilkie Collins business is a pretty good read...long, but pretty good nonetheless -it's chock full of unnecessary drama and has some sweet girl-on-girl incest action. Eat it "Young and the Restless"; you ain't got nothin' on a good piece of Victorian sensation novel!

Richard's Book Club (like Oprah, but without the free cars) - summer 2005:
The Woman in White
Daniel Deronda
Dracula
The Merchant of Venice
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Richard III

Okay, so here's the deal...Jen's got a man, Jennifer's got a man, Pamela's man is returning from the war in Afghanistan (that rhymed, which is awesome). So, if you or anyone you know fits nicely into the life plan outlined below, please feel free to apply. I am willing to compromise and cooperate, so don't be afraid...

I want to change the world, but really without anyone acknowledging it. I want to have kick-ass dinner parties, the likes of which Oprah has never seen - dance parties, tea parties, and showers of various kinds are included. I want a little mini-library with my collection and yours. I want a fireplace, so we can share from our mini-library. I want a coffee table with a book of photographs on it. I want strolls through Cherokee Park (or similar park in other city) that are meant more for companionship than exercise. I want to have sex a lot, constantly really, until it reaches an embarassing level...then we'll tone it down. My future Jetta will accomodate you and three of our closest friends. The trunk will be big enough for our luggage when we travel (no need for matching luggage, shirts, or hats - love is not matching). I want a fancy sheet set to keep in the closet for when Jen and Friend, Jennifer and Friend, Mary and Friend, or Pamela and Friend come to visit. I will cook dinner for you if you want.

That is all. Thank you. Accepting applications now.

Goodnight, all. Hope you are all well.

Until we meet again,
Ricardoooo

one month more
another month another destiny

so the "les miserables" reference just wasn't working for me - only one more month until i'm livin' it up british style!

Welcome back Jen Cain!

An unrelated note: I'm fairly certain a 16-year old girl has a crush on me, as hinted by her incessant messages to me on Myspace....I mean, I'll help her pick out shoes for her ring dance but i'm not interested in a.) the fact that she is 16, b.) the fact that she has a vagina. Not digging the whole girl thing. Been there, touched a boob once, not for me. I mean, 16...aren't 16 year old's supposed to be playing Barbies or some shit...Sorry, girl, I can't be your friend.

But I can be Jen Cain's friend...and that is why, again, I welcome her back. It's been far too long.

...let's talk about you and me...

I celebrated the Queen's Birthday and I am officially an "anglophile" which is not as dirty or perverted as it sounds. It just means I'm a lover of the English language. Eat it Spanish/French/German. Yeah. I said it and meant it. It was a nice garden party...valet parking - though the Dixie Hwy. in me thought I was being carjacked. Valet service bitch came this close (makes measurement with fingers) to getting maced. I am $1500 richer because of the E-SU...I thank you donors.

I think "Fix You" by Coldplay (one of their new songs) is a modern take on Tom T. Hall's "I Care" - good stuff.

That is all for now.

**Presumed conversation - Andrew Douglas to Ryan Reynolds on "The Amityville Horror"**

"Look, Ryan. We tried to make a decent movie. I mean, it's not bad, but let's be honest here, it's no 'Shawshank Redemption.'

(light chuckling)

"We need you to do something for us, Ryan. I mean you've come a long way from 'Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.' This movie could, if you'll just do what I'm about to ask you, it could really push you into the limelight."

"Anything for you Andrew"

"We're pretty much done editing the movie, but it's missing something, a little something that, to be honest, makes it, well, decent enough to get through."

"What is that?"

"Shirtless shots, Ryan...gratituous shirtless shot. You're a buff dude...a big stud...the ladies (and some men) love ya, right?"

(light chuckling)

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Take off your shirt for us, okay? That's all we're asking. We're going to go back and reshoot some scenes...get that shirt off of ya...I want you chopping wood, shirtless...I want you swimming in water and pulling yourself onto a dock, shirtless...I want you in a bathtub, in the bed, scared shitless by a hanging dead girl...each scene shirtless, naked as a jaybird, shirtless and free as the day you were born...Can you do that for me, Ryan? Can you do that for us? For the cast? The crew? For the audience? You gotta pull this off for me, Ryan."

"Can do, boss...Can do."

Many thanks to Andrew Douglas...wise decision...otherwise, complete garbage.

To Jen:

I don't want you to be scared when you get back and realize a lot of what you remember is different. Listed below are some major changes to Louisville's landscape/culture you should know about so: a.) you fit in; we don't need some French beotche trying to change us...fit in or get the hell out of the 16th largest city in the good 'ole U.S.of A. b.) you won't be startled into submission...

1.) The KMart's you once loved are now called "Sears Essentials" - Each store (the one on Dixie being the model in Louisville) now serves those who like the subtle sophistication of the Sears brand and the subtle ghetto-ness of KMart...a delicious and welcome mixture...

2.) The Heine Bros. Coffee location on Longest Avenue continues to be popular, but the newly opened location at the corner of Eastern Parkway and Bardstown Road is gaining momentum. Only the hippest cats go there and hip we are...I'm not suggesting we change our regular spot, but we may need to stop by there to make an appearance.

3.) Ramses Cafe has now expanded (quite hideously, I think) and has added an outdoor patio area and a nicely 1970's glass box to the otherwise tastefully done shop.

4.) Bueler's Market purchased Winn-Dixie, changed all of the Winn-Dixie's to Bueler's than closed the majority of them. The Winn-Dixie/Bueler's in the Mid City Mall is closing, but ice cream is 70% off.

5.) 4th Street Live continues to flourish, with the addition of the Palm Bar which opened in place of the comedy bar which closed b/c Louisville likes to dance, not laugh. The gym they were going to open in the entertainment behemoth never came to be b/c Louisville likes to eat, not exercise.

6.) A ginormous Wal-Mart Supercenter has taken the place of the once flourishing Bashford Manor Mall. A Lowe's Home Improvement Warehouse is opening next to it. Target continues to thrive and has built a shopping complex next to it's Bardstown Road location to attack the competition.
"Bring it" - Issac Mizrahi, Target Representative
"Bring what? Beyoche" - Kathy Lee Gifford, Wal-Mart Representative.

7.) The Target nearest your home is remodeling. There is now a Pharmacy and the sign is missing, so don't be alarmed when you pass Target and it's just a big blank box. It's still there, you just have to go inside to know it's Target. It's like the mystery prize in a Cracker Jack box.

8.) The Cheesecake Factory is opening in September. You hate cheesecake, but I'm excited, so I included it in the list.

9.) The Dollar General in Smoketown closed abruptly today.

10.) Crime is a bit higher - just the other day, a renegade taxi drive kidnapped a girl who requested he drive her home from where else, 4th Street Live, tied her up, and took pictures of her feet to satisfy his sexual/fetish addiction.

11.) Cardinal Mania! University of Louisville's B-Ball team made it to the Final Four for the first time in 50 million years; there is much debate as to where to build a massive new arena. Do not enter this debate, as you must be a part of an unimportant, irrelevant committee appointed by a unimportant, irrelavant politician.

12.) Earlier this year, really right after you left, the Mayor announced a 15-year plan to expand the park system to encompass pretty much the entire county. In 2020, you should be able to walk from Downtown to the Riverport in SW Jeff Co. and back again. Why? The correct question: Why the hell not?

13.) Stonybrook put in an IMax Theatre. That was kind of sweet, I mean if you like that big screen stuff.

14.) Tony Danza got a talkshow that is wildly popular. Again, why?

15.) Lazarus became a full Macy's, not that weird combo Lazarus/Macy's (cough, cough Sears Essentials)...now it just says Macy's, which is so cosmopolitan.

16.) It was cold when you left: forecast for your return - 86 degrees, hot and humid with a 88% chance of frizzy hair and sweat stains/odor.


That's all I can think of right now...Hope that helped.

...Nature's only idea seems to be to make them machines for the production of incessant noise." -
The Woman in White, by Wilkie Collins. How true it is, Wilkie, how true it is.

How did Tony Danza get a daytime talk show and why does he continue to have one? Wretched.

One week from today Jen Cain will return to Louisville, Kentucky. At 4:30 p.m. next Wednesday, I ask that all Louisvillians stop what they are doing and have a moment of meditation in celebration of the return of Jen Cain.

I am wasting precious time, which could be spent reading the 600-page aforementioned sensational novel. Eh, oh well. Silly Oxford...do I really need to take it THAT seriously? I'm kidding...of course I do.

Peace out, yo. Stay cool (literally and figuratively).

Ricardo