amanda

boston is rainy today. i could smell it before i woke up, before i pulled up my curtain. every day the leaves outside my window turn one shade yellower and every day the temperature drops a degree.

yesterday i spent eight hours in the library. i was flipping through my planner on wednesday and realize just how much work i had to do. i took an adderall and felt like whatever haze i had been reading through temporarily lifted and i really enjoyed reading for a while. well, it was also judith halberstam.

i fell asleep at around eleven, with the help of two sleeping pills, but never really felt like i slept. i don't know if it was because of the weird dreams i sometimes have, because of the adderall, or because i went to bed so early, but i woke up at eight am and couldn't go back to sleep. i feel like i'm seven years old.

but maybe it's for the best, i have a lot to do today and this gives me more hours than i usually have.

but i really don't want to get out of bed.

i've been really upset with class recently. i love the material, i love (most) of the professors, i want to learn and be invigorated and excited about what i'm experiencing right now but i just can't.

so, during class today i wrote a list of things that i hate that people do in class. this includes students and professors.

here goes why i hate my life right now.

- when people speak slowly and it seems like they haven't developed their thoughts until they open their mouths.
- when people eat really pungent foods in class.
- when professors make us buy books that they've written or they endorse.
- when people are ignorant.
- when people take the little time we have to discuss on tangents.
- when professors keep us in an inappropriately cold/hot room.
- when professors force students into group work.
- when people nod and make "mhmm" noises at the professors.
- when people use class as their personal tutoring session.
- when people use class as their personal therapy session.
- when people gloat.
- when people name-drop.
- when professors expect the class to know an obscure reference.
- when people are condescending.
- when people only discuss readings through their specific social identities (black, mother, gay, poor, rich, etc.)
- when professors keep students late.

there are many more on my list, but i'm trying not to be a huge bitch.

i really need to get this out so i don't kill myself tonight, but i wish i could read this to my classmates so that i can enjoy school more.

i've come to realized that sometimes there isn't time for everything.

i have this stack of reading-things that i need to have done, but i know that my brain can't handle it right now. and yeah, i can push myself and get through the book, but i'll be brain dead tomorrow.

so, i'm making this executive decision and giving myself time to decompress.

the women's activism class i'm taking is in the following building. check "learning in a building by frank gehry" off my list of things to do.

oh lord, what a night.

but rewind: daytime. i got up, did my routine of going to the gym, showering, grabbing something to eat, and heading to the library. i met a girl that i have class with at mit there, ashley, and we read over chandra mohanty for a couple of hours. it was a lot of talking and getting to know each other and less reading, but the reading got done and at this point, i consider making friends part of my homework.

i got a text mid-study session from another girl in my program, sarah, who sent a mass text to all the first year gcsers asking if we wanted to go out. turns out boston guerilla queer bar was tonight (google it) and taking place right down the street from school. after a phone call to eli to confirm his appearance, the night was set.

i went to dinner with dana & colleen, two people from my building, at some sports bar around school. they had no plans, so i invited them to go out with me and they agreed. i also had real food for the first time in weeks. bonus.

we came back to school, got ready, grabbed another friend, and headed back out to go dance and drink.

when we got there the bar was paaaaacked. like, it got to the point where we wanted to go out for air and they said we would have to wait in a line to get back in because the bar was at maximum capacity. after a quick two cranberry & vodkas we all headed to the dance floor and danced to some incredible jams. the gay-for-a-day bar had some hits up its sleeve, and i was impressed.

i danced to the point where my hair was so sweaty it was curling in ringlets. the last time i remember my hair doing that was at junior banquet in high school. to say the least, i had to peel all my clothing off when i got home and i will definitely be doing laundry tomorrow. that being said, i won't be going to the gym!

today really made me feel like the next two years are going to be possible. i was so nervous about coming here and being alone and having to make my own way, but i'm finding it to be easier and less awkward and i can really see myself being happy. i'm making friends and memories and while i feel a little oprah-y saying all this, it's true.

night, y'all.

i've been alone in boston for twenty four hours. it's very strange being in a place where you don't know a soul. i really have no personal problem being alone, i just hate the stigma surrounding being that way. i'm always afraid people will think i'm some weirdo who can't make friends and so has to resort to being by herself.

i'm having a lot of freshman year/temple flashbacks, because that was the last time i was in this situation. it's weird being in a dorm-esque situation, but it's not as bad as i remember it, which gives me some hope.

i have faith that once things start to pick up at school and with my classes things will get better and more social. i don't know if the lgbt group on campus is for grad students, but i might just go check it out and see. i've seen tooooons of dykes on campus and they all must hang out/find people to fuck somewhere. there's also tons of queer-things to do in the area, but i'm just nervous to go alone. i might go to this open mic thing in jamaica plain next week and see what it's like.

other than that, i'm excited for my class at mit. i'm really glad i decided to take a class off campus. i think it'll help my social life and force me to travel and meet people outside of my school.

until then i have all these miscellaneous chores to do around my room. just little things that i've been putting off but that really need to get done. i'm also going to try to start reading for class, because i want to have a head start to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed at the beginning of the semester.

today i:

- got up at 5am
- went to the airport in the pouring rain
- had an oddly good airport-breakfast
- actually slept on the plane to boston
- arrived at boston and crammed a taxi-van full of my six suitcases
- pulled up at school and saw where i will be living for the next year for the first time
- hauled said bags up two flights of stairs to my new room
- walked to bed bath & beyond and faught rich, white connecticut moms for dorm accouterment while their over-tanned cory kennedy-esque daughters typed on their blackberrys
- had a panic attack
- dragged two giant bags filled and an area rug back from bb&b
- started the long and intricate process of setting up my room/unpacking
- went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books and a simmons nalgene
- back to my room to unpack more
- walked to my mom's hotel
- found out that the bestest boy ever had a surprise package waiting for me at my hotel and i cried because it was so damn cute
- spent way too much money at cvs
- took a shower and got ready to go to the north end for dinner
- had an expensive italian meal with my ex-boss, her partner and their son
- went to mike's for dessert

and now i'm currently crashed in bed in my mom's hotel with her sleeping. every little muscle in my body hurts. everything. i tried to make a big effort to carry most of the stuff and not strain my mom because her body has been hurting her and i don't want to make it worse, but i'm definitely feeling it.

my suitcases are laying empty outside of my room. i refuse to pack anything. most of it is clothes, which i rationalize by saying i'll just wait until thursday night to pack, but my mom has been on my case to get things done.

half of my life has already been shipped to boston and is (hopefully) waiting for me at my hotel.

besides that most of my anxiety has been around feeling stretched incredibly thin. i feel like a lot of people want a lot of my attention right now and i can't seem to give enough of it out. i hate feeling like a failure, like i can't please people or give them what they want.

all i want to do is stay in my room until i have to leave, because that sounds like the least stressful way to deal with the next forty eight hours. just lay in bed and make lists and pack my way in my time and not feel rushed.

fuck.

i have to take two or three sleeping pills to fall asleep at night.

i also have to take a valium to get me through the days.

i need to not live in limbo anymore.

i had a super strange dream last night that has been on my mind all day.

i don't want to get into it, i just wanted to document it happening.

i have a really hard time staying upset with someone i care about. this is kind of a blessing and a curse, but recently i've been really frustrated that i just can't have a grudge. not even for a little while.

my sister has been making me really upset recently. this has mostly been rotating around the fact that she is really fucking selfish.

let me rewind.

my sister is leaving for denmark on the twenty third to study abroad. she has everything that she could possibly need, including people she knows from her university that will be in the same place at the same time. per usual - fate has dealt her an amazing hand.

fast-forward.

she's been working over the summer at my mom's store, where she gets paid bank to do little to no work. or, i'll rephrase, she's good at selling things to people so it's really doesn't take that much effort. let me emphasize again: she's been making some ludicrous like ten or fifteen dollars an hour. tax-free.

so, as an individual who is two weeks away from moving to one of the most expensive cities in the united states, i am the first person to highlight the importance of a savings account to draw funds for the academic year. my sister has between four and five THOUSAND DOLLARS in said savings account.

fast-forward some more.

recently, when i've been going out with my sister and (attempting) to spend time with her she will not spend a nickel more than she deems fit.

example one: we're at target and i tell her that we need a couple of things for our bathroom. i tell her we can split it, it won't be more than three dollars a piece. this suggestion turns into an argument. why do we need that stuff? we have enough! and why would i buy it when she can just tell my mom to buy it at the grocery store! how dare i suggest that we be adults and throw down a couple of bucks on face wash and hand soap. resolution: i ended up buying all the things we needed, that she will undoubtably use.

example two: the other night we went out to dinner with j. she owed twelve or so dollars for her meal, plus tip. she had eight dollars in cash and she refused to spend any more than that - even though she ate more than that. resolution: j., who is the last person who should be spending money, put what she didn't pay on his credit card. not only was i super embarrassed that she would pull that stunt, knowing full well that j. is a gentleman and would cover it without an argument, but that she couldn't fucking pay what she owed. that she is that immature.

example three: as i said before, my sister is going overseas for a year. i'll see her for a week or two, but besides that we will be living many miles and many hours away from each other. i've been asking her to spend time together before she leaves, log in some sister hours, but more and more i've realized that unless it is completely convenient for her she won't hang out with me. and god forbid one of her friends call, friends that have ditched her more times than they have actually hung out with her and generally ask her over so she'll bring her hookah (in my world, that means they're using you), if they do i'm a distant memory. in my general disregard to past events and the lack of ability to hold a grudge, i asked my sister if she wanted to come to baltimore this weekend and have a little day trip away from montgomery county and our house. this was turned down with one sentence: "yeah, it's wayyy too expensive to drive to baltimore." a ride that would be sixty miles round trip.

(let's keep in mind that she worked from eleven to six today, then babysat from six to twelve, where she also makes ten dollars an hour. a rough estimate would say that she cashed in around one hundred a fifty bucks today -which is a conservative estimate.)

money, as you can see, is not a problem for my sister. yet, she continues to hoard it like she's living from paycheck to paycheck. and clearly, in her world, what is important to her is what her money gets spent on - and i'm obviously not worth much.

i, per usual, blame myself for this. what did i do wrong? what did i miss? why wasn't i better? because maybe if i knew the answer to those questions i would have a sister who considered a half-tank of gas worth being able to spend the day with me.

but i can't think this. it's not my fault. i didn't do anything wrong.

i really just want her to leave, at this point. i want her to go to denmark and be in the place that she has been saving up for, and i really hope it's worth losing time with me.

i wish there were people awake at this hour to entertain me. though, i almost think it's better this way because it gives me time to think in my head that is usually very go!go!go! all the time.

i just had an amazing pb&j. i stood over the toaster and rested my head on the above cabinet and the smell of the bread toasting was so incredible. it's fresh bread, bread that was baked yesterday, not the crappy grocery store pre-sliced low-calorie shit i usually eat.

today i spent almost $300 on warm-weather clothing that i'm more than sure i'll be needing in the coming months. boots, galoshes, fleeces, rain jackets. i now own more patagonia/north face/born than i ever thought i would.

nights are a really interesting part of life for me, it seems. recently, since i've had absolutely nothing to do, i've been staying up much later and contemplating things. it might not be shocking, but i've been thinking a lot about leaving. i'm getting myself more and more ready.

there are things here that i'll miss. my mom, familiar roads, consistency, support, my room, the sound of my cat coming downstairs, the smell of my house, baltimore, jake, his mom, feeling safe.

but, there's another growing part of me that cannot wait to get out of here. i have a lot of memories of my home, this area, that i'm anxious to get rid of. initially i considered it running away from my demons, i thought i was being immature. as i've thought about it and spoke about it i think i've come to terms with things, and am ready to move on.

i'm ready to make new memories in a city that doesn't feel familiar. where i'm not anxious about running into someone while i'm out somewhere. where no one has pre-judged me. where there isn't baggage or bullshit or connections. i'm excited to not know every queer person ever, but rather slowly make friendships with people without them knowing me through a gay-version of six degrees.

i'm excited to finally cut the geographical bond between emily & i, for there to be miles and space and air between she and i so that we can live our lives without intersection, something that seems to bring heartache for me every time it happens. where there will be no temptation to rekindle something that isn't meant to be. where i can finally let go and breathe without feeling like she's going to appear back in my life again without notice and take me off guard. where there won't be tears and pain and crying at broken promises and a broken heart.

[side note: i have no idea if she reads this, she would never admit to me one way or the other, but i'm tired of guarding my words and what i choose to put on the internet for fear of someone getting hurt or upset. i'm too old for that kind of censorship.]

it's hard for me to be ignored and hurt by anyone, but it's especially painful when it comes from someone to claimed to care about me, and i don't think i want to have those kinds of people in my life anymore. i'm not seventeen anymore and i have to realize it. i'm worth something, at least to some people, and i want to go to boston knowing that. that i'm worth something, that i'm not disposable.

back to my point - i'm happy that certain people are only a plane ride away and will be able to come and spend time with me in boston (october 8th!). that we can spend days together enjoying fall in new england. that we can do dumb-touristy things that i will be too embarrassed to do alone but totally up for (i'm secretly a sucker for those red-bus-double-decker-trolley tours).

my goal tomorrow: finish another book. the alchemist, maybe?

i think i'm going to take a break from the gym tomorrow. i think every four days my body needs a break. i can feel it, like today, starting to groan and and lag. i wish i was stronger, that i could keep going, but it's a strange thing when your body asks for something. i feel like i should listen.

my days have been monotonous, but not in the negative way that the word tends to carry.

i wake up, wash my face, put on my sports bra and my sneakers and go to the gym. i run while looking at myself in the mirror, wishing i could see someone else staring back at me. i watch cnn and shake my head at what is considered news.

i come home and take a shower. recently i've been standing there longer, trying to work out the kink in my neck that has prevented me from turning my head to the left at all. it would be much funnier if it didn't hurt so damn much.

then i usually eat, read, run errands, relax until dinner. the rest of the night is generally spent reading more, watching the olympics, and endlessly googling things about boston. what to do, where to eat, how far away ikea is, how much it costs to use zipcars, if i should buy my books used or new, getting loans, paying tuition, scrambling to find photos of my room so i can have some idea of where i'm going to be living. well, the list goes on. i'm clearly going crazy.

for the most part, this is how my life has been playing itself out recently.

these events have the possibility of being interrupted by trips to the zoo, writing in my journal, weekends in baltimore, target sprees, going to bookstores, laying in the sun, window shopping on ebay, doing laundry, baking, and spending time with j.

how is everyone out there doing?

tonight while i was standing at a bar drinking my usual, i had a conversation with j. about types. as in, people you see who you are automatically attracted to. most people have them, i know i do. my problem is: i really, honestly, deep down don't think i'm anyone's type.

i think people are attracted to my personality. the fact that i'm smart, well-spoken, creative, etc. but sometimes, the shallower part of me wants people to see me and subsequently want to get to know me. unfortunately, i don't think that's ever the case.

another issue i face is the fact that many of the people i'm attracted to (read: queer people of the androgynous variety) are only attracted to each other. i feel somewhat on the outskirts of the queer world sometimes because i physically don't fit in. i have a dress collection, i swear by eyeliner, i paint my nails. none of these seem to be the qualifying factors to being considered attractive in many circles that i run in, which means i seem to fall short in the looks department there.

in the regular world (which i occasionally forget exists) my looks don't work either. i inherited my family's slow metabolism and wide hips and no matter how many days a week i go to the gym (usually five or six), how many miles i run (generally three a day), how many crunches i do (i aim for 100) my body will never be considered ideal.

fuck.

i'm feeling very weird tonight. very reflective. very critical. kind of quiet and contemplative and a little sad.

items of note:

- i love the smell of old and new books, respectively.
- i am starting the process of attempting to fix the discoloration of my teeth due to meds my mom took while pregnant with me. it's one reason i'm self-conscious about my smile.
- i have a stack of about ten luna bars next to me. i really have no idea how i ended up with this many.
- space saver bags are a gift from god.
- my left leg hurts from working out too much and not stretching enough.
- i can't wait to go to boston.
- i'm scared of going to boston.
- i wish that when i looked in the mirror the person i saw matched what i think i look like in my head. i'm pretty sure there's a name for this.
- i really enjoy making facebook albums of baby animals and tagging people as said animals. i hope it brightens their day.
- i'm lucky to have found someone who cares about me in a way that makes me feel worthwhile and important.
- my last relationship really fucked me up.
- i think my mom is unraveling a little bit.
- cranberry juice, vodka & lime juice.
- i wish other people knew how awesome they were.
- i wish i didn't come off as a total lunatic/creep/weirdo sometimes.
- the internet is supremely boring.
- i wish more unexpectedly fun and/or surprising things happened to me.
- not working is pretty amazing.
- i am constantly looking up random facts about simmons. the more i find out, the more i love it.
- tomorrow i'm going to get up and bake something to try to curb this slight sadness i feel.

side note: who the hell reads this anymore/will admit to doing so? i know there are people out there in internet-land that do read these thoughts of mine and i don't know about it, so since i'm sharing and you're reading - you should share too. stream of thought, quote, fact, whatever. let's connect.

i feel like i have so much to write, but so little effort to actually write it. 

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com

i'm so fucking tired of existing here. my whole family is falling to shit. sometimes i like to think that we still have some semblance, but afternoons like this make it hard to keep convincing myself of that.

Originally posted on amandathensaid.vox.com