Well behaved women rarely make history . . .

Despite my reservations about the Internet yesterday, the Internet and I are back on track. 

My love for you, Internet, is strong and true. And while I may take you for granted, or fear your stalker ways (read: Dad on twitter, Facebook's new creepy stalker layout) deep down I know you bring goodness into my life. And you make me a better person, especially from things like this:

I think Barack took dancing lessons from Carlton on Fresh Prince, c'mon Barack. Show me your real moves!

My dad recently set up at Twitter account. He follows me and one other person, I think. And that other person doesn't post much. So basically he follows me. And he gets the updates on his phone, which means he responds to about every third thing I say. Which is kind of nice. But mostly weird. 

It's kind of like my dad is reading my notes that I passed in school that day. Notes about how much I love Adam B. Or notes about how much I hated Ms. Utley. Except, I'm not in 8th grade. I'm 27. I get that part of putting yourself out there on the internet means that it's for everyone to see. But I'm not used to my dad being a part of this "everyone." I guess I should get used to it since he may very well be accepting a new job where "social media" is his focus.

I just hope he makes more friends.

It is tough being your parent's only online buddy. 

Me: You know, "easy" isn't a word I'd normally use to describe myself, but today, in this context, I will. I'm easy. 

Man shopping: Oh really? Who's this man here? (gestures to my male friend, who also happens to be gay)

Me: Oh, that's my friend. 

Man shopping: Ooooooh, friend. Uh huh, I get it.  You say no, he says yes!

Me: Oh gosh. No. I think we both say no. 

Man shopping: You don't fool me. Easy! 

Me: (Internal thoughts: Shit, do not make slut jokes with random men!)

**************

Me: Oh god. 

"Male Friend": What?

Me: Well, that woman has a large hole cut at her armpit and apparently isn't wearing a bra, so you know, you can see down her shirt. Take note! You should check that out!

MF: Oh okay. 

5 minutes later 

MF: Oh yeah, I could totally see it. 

Other Male Friend: See what?

Me: Well you could kind down the side of that woman's shirt. 

OMF: Oh yeah. Don't worry. We all saw that. 

Me: I was going to tell you but it seemed awkward to yell "SIDEBOOB" loudly. 

MF: Good thing you yelled it just now. 

Me: Yeah. I guess we need a secret code word next time for SIDEBOOB. That'd be easier.  

MF: Or perhaps not. 

Me: I think so. I'm working on it.

The puppy woke up in a foul mood this morning. Nothing would make her happy. Not petting. Not pacing. Not barking at invisible intruders. I've wondered for the past few days if maybe she is sick because she's gone pee in her kennel (bladder infection?) and her she's been crapping more. But she seemed mostly fine. 

This morning I was pleased to see she had not peed in her kennel and I figured she peed the other day simply because she really had to go / she hates me and thinks it's funny when I have to clean up her urine. 

I pulled her dog bed out of the kennel a few hours later (a few hours after we've gone outside, come back in, gone outside, paced around the living room, gone outside, barked at nothing, played with toys . . . ) and noticed the back of the bed feels crunchy. WTF?

UM. My dog hung her butt and back end area in general OVER THE EDGE OF HER DOG BED so that she could poop and pee and not have the nasty stuff touch her. 

Which is smart, I guess. As smart as you can be when still POOPING IN YOUR KENNEL. 

Ralph put her in the kennel last night before we left to see Batman, and I'm wondering if maybe she had to go but he didn't give her the death state, the stare that says "POOP NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE, DOG!" And she decided she could just go ahead and poop in the kennel if the humans were stupid enough not to force her to poop outside. 

I still wonder if she's sick. She might be. But I am still pretty certain she's just having a bad day. And sometimes when I have a bad day I want other people to suffer with me and while I've yet to shit in my bed to make other suffers, for a dog, it seems pretty logical. 

God damn dog.

This video from CNN has totally made my morning. Not because it's a good video, because HOLY BALLS, this guy is a total douche bag. But because this ignorant bastard looks like a fool on TV and hopefully his voters will see him for the idiot he is.

Things I'd like to ask County Commissioner, Brent Reinhart:

1. What exactly is the homosexual agenda? To sneak in a night and turn all of your women gay? If so, too late! I am totally already in love with Poppy from Without a Trace and I DON'T EVEN LIVE IN OKLAHOMA!

2. Did you really need to drag little boy (scouts) into this fight? Really? Isn't that kind of a cheap shot?

3. When he asked if you were homophobic, he wasn't calling you gay on national television! Don't worry, here you go:
Homophobic: ho·mo·pho·bic [ homə fṓbik ] adj Definition: having irrational hatred of homosexuality: showing an irrational hatred, disapproval, or fear of homosexuality, gay and lesbian people, or their culture


4. The truth involves spell check. I'm pretty certain. So here's a tip hire a copy editor before you make another comic book! (Correct spelling: pedophile. I'd even accept paedophile.)

5.Also, maybe hire a real artist, because those drawings could be even more offensive if you really put some effort into it.

More videos to make your ears bleed!  You're welcome! It's my gift to you, Reader!

Video 1: 
See Jeni talk about cleaning products. Be sure to pay attention when she first tries to spell the URL. Much brain power was used as evidenced by ridiculous eye roll. Watch for nostril flares and weird talking out of one side of her mouth. Also, camera angel makes her nose look huge. Rating: 1 star. 

Video 2: 
See Jeni complain about 411 operators. Bold move considering she's already come under fire for her hatred of 411 operators and their plight. Keep an eye out for wild gesticulations and gratuitous eye rolls.  Watch for awkward, abrupt ending due to cell phone ringing. And also, check out how badly she needs to brush her hair. Rating: 1 star. 

Dude, in my mind I so sound like Maya Angelou -- in real life, notsomuch. Damn.

I'm not going to lie to you, Internet. I am a little disappointed in your lack of comments on finding a POLE DANCING video in my dad's living room. But, I'll forgive you. Instead of torturing you with thoughts of my step-mother pole dancing, I'm going to let you hear my 11-year-old valley girl voice. SWEET POO it's awful. 

But anyways, I was helping a friend and made this video about going green. Check it. 



*Note: The author is not responsible for any ear bleeding caused by the pitch of the voice or the awful moment where the woman on camera says "whatever . . . you get it!" ::Shudder::

Normally I wouldn't comment on such an old journal, but this has to be said. 411 operators HAVE to tell you if the listing comes under a different city, they aren't correcting you, they are informing you of what they have. And just because the mall is in St Louis has far as the people who shop there are concerned, does not mean that the mailing address, which is what ALL listing are listed under is the same. Not to mention if a listing comes up from the original city while the operator is in a different city generally means that that listing has the city mis-spelled.

I am a 411 operator. I do this job for 8hrs a day 5 days a week, and thanks to people throwing random cities out when the listing is not found, we can only check three separate cities.

Until you work this job, and know how it works, don't complain. The best thing you can do to get a 411 call to go well is warn the operator a head of time of the amalgamation of the county so the operator can do a special kind of search.

And again the operator HAS to tell you if the listing falls under a different city, otherwise he or she is not doing a good job for you.

Don't be a princess.

I log in fairly regularly to my online banking account. My biggest fear is that my account balance will display in red meaning I've managed to overdraw my account. This doesn't happen often, but when I'm close, I always worry. Did I forget a lunch I bought out? Did I buy shoes in my sleep again? Panic! 

Today I logged in and saw, to my surprise, that my secondary checking account was overdrawn. This is odd since I don't have checks or a debit card for this account. Which makes it very hard to accidentally buy too many pairs of pink shoes.

In fact, the only reason I even have this account is because Bank of America is a freak about the fact I opened my account in Massachusetts. And while Bank of America bought out Fleet Bank, they apparently refuse to use each others deposit slips. So I have to remember to ask for a very special Massachusetts deposit slip. If I don't then all hell breaks loose at the teller. 

A bank manager suggested I open an account in Missouri and slowly move stuff over to that account. So I did. Except my version of slowly moving stuff over is to ignore it entirely. So there it sits with $2.87. Whatever. It's free. 

Last week our payroll got screwed up and my direct deposit was not going to post on time so my dad hand wrote me a check. His business account is also with Bank of America, so I walked up there and asked them to cash his check. And take the cash and put it in to my account. Because cash posts immediately, right? I needed to make my house payment.

Of course it does they assured me. And then they put the money into my Missouri checking. Which I realized when they handed me the balance sheet and it was my paycheck pluse $2.87. At first I panicked -- HOLY CRAP WHAT DID I DO WITH ALL MY MONEY?!?! But then I realized I'd forgotten to say the magic word "MASSACHUSETTS" and so it ended up in the other account. I asked if they could move it for me and was informed that I could just do it online (it would be faster). Again I checked to make sure I could move it 5 minutes after depositing it and they assured me I'd have no problem. 

Except I did. And that's why my account was overdrawn $58.13 cents this morning. 

I called and explained what happened. And again, I asked doesn't cash post immediately? There are no funds to verify. IT IS CASH. And the woman agreed, of coure it does. 

After 10 minutes of going round and round and only getting $35.00 of the $60.00 in fees they charged me back the bank admitted that cash doesn't post right away. And so they needed to charge me $25.00 to move my PENDING CASH into my magical Massachusetts account. 

It makes no sense. But I got tired of fighting and finally gave up. 

Except I totally want that $25.00 now.

Bastards.

I've tried in recent months to be more earth friendly. And while at first I was worried it would take a lot of time, a lot of money and a lot of effort it's proved to be pretty easy. And in many ways my green efforts have shown me not only is going green earth friendly it's Jeni friendly. 

For example, the green cleaning products that I purchased from HerbN'Maid (my green cleaning company -- heaven!) are absolutely the most fantastic cleaning products ever. That nasty grime on my counter that bleach and toxins could not get up -- my green all-purpose cleaner totally kicks the crap out of it. I'd pretty much lick my green cleaning products. And hey, I COULD! Because they aren't bad for me. 

Last week I ordered a Ruthie Pearl canvass shopping bag. I have several bags like this that I've purchased at Target, Walgreens, etc. when I didn't want to use a plastic bag, but they are ugly. And while my Target bag folds down nicely so that I can keep it in my purse, I don't love the bags. My Ruthie Pearl bag is so freaking cute I LOVED using it. And it held tons more than a plastic bag would. Everyone at Trader Joe's was jealous. I know it. 

I am not completely green. Far from it. But slowly I'm realizing it's not that hard to make the switch. A green cleaning company. Green cleaning products. Recycling. Trying to avoid plastic bags. All of that is pretty easy. Especially when the green solutions are better than the non-green alternative. I'll never buy some other all purpose cleaner again -- my HerbN'Maid stuff rules. And I've pretty much decided that for Christmas what I'm going to give everyone is a selection of my favorite green products in an awesome Ruthie Pearl (or another cute canvass) bag. Not because I'm trying to be preachy, but simply because hey! You can save the planet AND kick the shit out of the grease on your counter. And better yet? You'll look hot doing it! 

Sweet.