visited Nate's grave. he has a dragon statue around it now. I miss him. I really miss him. I never blog here, and I am tempted to shut it down, but there are so many memories.
Do I get to see my sweet this weekend? I have been in MI for a few days. Highlights are yet to come. I get to see my best girl and kiss and hug her! I can't wait. For now, I sleep.
Anyone want to buy a button maker that makes the little 1" buttons? It comes with all the pieces to make at least 300+ buttons. Works great! I paid over 200 for it and it paid itself off in a week.
Books for sale. House of Leaves-Mark Z. Danielewski
Paint it Black-Janet Fitch
Alias Grace-Margaret Atwood
Heartbreak-Andrea Dworkin House of Sand and Fog-Andre Dubus III Heavens Harlots-Miriam Williams Shakespeare Never did this-Charles Bukowski Reviving Ophelia- Mary Pipher The Heart is deceitful above all things-JT LEROY Writing the Memoir-Judith Barrington Inventing the Truth, the art and craft of Memoir-William Zinsser
$1-2 a piece? Deals if you buy more then one. shipping will be media, and $1.49 a book, or if you combine, then I will increase it by 50 cents a book.
I just wish all of this heartache would end already. I can't stand myself lately. I still love you though, all of you. Don't worry, the sun will shine eventually. I've been at Lyn's for a few days now. It's nice to be in her company. Be well.
Maybe I should update a bit. Obviously, we have power back. THANK THE DEITIES! I was freezing my nipples off. B had to rent a car when he was in California to drive back and rescue me from the winter chills. By the time he got here, the power was restored. This left us with two rental cars. The one he rented to rescue me, and the one we received from our car accident. Today we had to return both rentals so we could pick the Jetta up from the repair shop! YAY for having my car back. BOO for B's car breaking down in PDX, leaving me with no vehicle once again. On our way to the rental place we picked up this dready hitchiker named Loren. He was the cutest,sweetest,weirdest kid ever. He called himself a mushroomtarian. Apparently, according to him, we all derive from a shroom. RIGHT! It was fun. We took the rental back, hopped in the Jetta and headed straight to PDX for a quick visit to the pub to see risingscorpion and John! Loren came with us. We gave him a few bucks to catch a bus to his friends and parted with a nice hug. I hope to see him again. I had the most delicious veggie burger, and veggie platter from a joint across the street from the pub. It was an eventful day. I got to speak to strange_fire for a few moments which is always a highlight, because I love her so. I can't wait to see you and Dee in May! I also got to speak to nolagirlatheart for a quick moment. After the Pub, we picked up the other rental from B's work place and came back home to drop it off. After an orgasm or two, I said goodbye to B as he needed to get back to PDX for work. So here I am, a little tipsy at 5:30 am journaling nonsense. Enjoy some photos of New Years and Road trips! ( follow the white rabbit )
There is just something about California, especially Northern California, that makes me smile. It smells so different then the rest of this country. The eucalyptus filling my head with distant summer memories. The piney smell of the Redwoods. Then there is San Francisco. If I never married, continued along the path I was on before marrying, I would have moved to SF in a heart beat. I call it my second home. I love the diverse people,the stores,the food. Oh yes the food. We had Indian Pizza Saturday, it was so tasty! What a short weekend it was, but well worth it. We stopped in Mt. Shasta and I shot some video of the volcano. I need to post them, they are hilarious! Then there is the return into Oregon. Traveling along the highway, deep in the Siskiyou mountains, I realized how happy I am here! I've gone a long time without my normal social stimulation, and I am surprised at how much I can handle it. I know living in seclusion won't last long, but this is helping me grow and become more self reliable! You can hear yourself better when someone isn't trying to tell you who to be. You can feel the pull of growth at your soul. You really have to meditate and re-focus yourself when there is nothing but woods to talk to.
Saturday we are heading north to party with catpowerurfree and hopefully catch some Moroccan food. I can never turn that stuff down! khep you should come along. Even if you can't, maybe we can meet at Anna B's for coffee? Let me know mama!
I transplanted 5 plants today and found all kinds of rocks and crystals imbedded in the soil. One looks like a nice chunk of gold. It was like a personal xmas gift from the earth! So we don't celebrate xmas at all, but we do support getting ourselves presents often. So this is what I bought. I am not a fan of pink, but I love this jacket! It's perfect for these mild winters. I also bought Zen and myself Hitachi Magic Wands. I am in love. Give the gift of orgasms! Hope you are all well and warm. Go sip some cocoa and read a good book!
Mtv banned this video because it spreads truth. We don't want people to know whats really going on in the world do we? Go back to sleep America, everything is under control. And of course it doesn't have bitches,bling and booze..so that makes it unworthy for the mind suck that is tv.
Nathaneal's Funeral is Thursday at the reformed church in Ludington. Look in the paper (www.ludingtondailynews.com) tomorrow for a front page write up about his short life. At almost 9 years old he was the smartest kid I knew! He often asked me if I was so surprised that he knew such big words. The last time he told me he loved me, he had a hold of my leg. He was thanking me for making him mac n' cheese, but I knew he meant it more then that. I held Noah yesterday like a baby as he sobbed uncontrollably in my arms. He said he wanted to die to, so he could see what heaven was like. He also said it was raining because Nate was crying. My heart is aching. My nephews are my world, and I never dreamed I would see one go so young.
On the medical front, Nate died from an enlarged heart. He was born with it, and no one really knew anything was wrong. He always had a big heart anyways:(
Nate, I hold you in my heart forever. As soon as I stop crying, I have many words I want to tell you. I love you from my toes to my brain. It hurts to know I will never hug you, play mario kart with you, or even give you wedgies ever again. It hurts to see your younger brothers who share those same sweet sun kissed freckles across their noses. It hurt to see your lifeless body so cold and gone. My love hurts so much for you right now. Be in Peace wherever you be my love! ( more pictures )
At 9:45 this morning my 8 year old nephew Nathaneal Wade was pronounced dead. I am angry. This further proves that there is no god. I am driving an air freshener to grand rapids to have them test it, seeing if this may be the cause of his heart stopping. I am beyond myself right now, and this sinking feeling hurts worse then anything I've ever felt before.
my cure for boredom is to drive. The past 3 days have consisted of us driving all over Michigan, getting lost in antique stores and drinking good pumpkin beer. It's a bit tempting to sell everything and leave again. Unlike the gypsies we are, this will not work. I get so restless and depressed. No amount of music or Indian food can tame this wildness in me. I miss Colorado, but do I want to be back there? I missed water, but did I want to be back here? For some reason I am suppose to be here. I hate being in a town where you run into people you've slept with. Not that I was a huge whore, but I had my fun! Is it weird that I let my ego blossom a bit when Ami tells me this person is gushing over me. Now I don't look the same at all. I've gained weight, my color is all weird and my brain is fried from all of these health issues.
I have been on a pain med induced haze as of lately, and the more pills I take, the less and less they work for my pain. Something has got to give. I don't want to be here in this body or in this town, but I am stuck here and I need to stick it out until Oregon becomes a better option. I wish I could go to Thailand and teach, or to Trinidad and sleep on the beaches all day:( I wish I was better at this life thing. I wish I didn't feel such negativity towards civilization. Maybe if I wouldn't be so harsh, I would have more friends.
I can't C.H.A.N.G.E I'm fa ll i n g into oblivion.
I want to avoid who I am and mar it with something much more glamorous.
My precious baby dog was hit by a car and killed. We have been evicted from our home after being here for 10 days, because the landlord thinks we don't fit this house.
We are selling everything we own. I can't take this pain, I would give my own life for my dog to be back...anything. This may sound fucking crazy and I am sure it is...but I loved my dog more then I loved most humans.
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
requiemoftrees's journal
sick
crappy
depressed
drunk
grateful
sad
angry
chipper
crazy
nostalgic