we can rise like candles in the dark

Subject:	i ask the general public this question
Time:	8:57 pm.
Mood:	discontent.

WHY.

Why is it that people are so hard to get a hold of these days?

Let me explain.

For example, let's role play. I am your friend, which I probably am if you're reading this. We have plans to hang out. We're very excited. Then the day of doing whatever our plans are comes and... I can't get in touch with you. I call, I instant message, I myspace... nothing. No word. The plans don't happen. Then, after the fact, I instant message, call, and myspace you asking what's up. Not all at once, but every couple days. You don't respond. This continues on for awhile, until eventually, I give up. I'm forced to give up on our friendship because after a month of sudden silence, what kind of explanation is there? Why are you not talking to me? If someone left me messages saying hello, especially if I backed out on plans, OF COURSE I'd talk to them! Leave a voicemail on my phone? I CALL YOU BACK! That's how it's supposed to be, so at the very least, explain what happened!

So why are people ducking out on me these days? This scenerio has happened quite a few times this year to some formerly close people too and I really don't know what to do about it other than be sad that I've lost a friend or two or three. Why would someone do this? I hear complaints about people losing touch and not knowing why sometimes. And the only reason here is you.

Sometimes I think about that too. How people drift in and out. Why can't everybody just stay? But when I think about it, I'm just as guilty as they are for not talking. So sometimes I'll send a random message to someone who's been out of my life for awhile. They're usually excited to say hi and catch up a little, but they don't seem to be interested in taking the initiative to stay in it, so that sucks.

Is this just me, or does this happen all the time? I think it's pretty shitty, to be honest. I always respond to messages. And so I just want my friends back, damnit. Stop being so fucking quiet and making me take the initiative to talk to you. Why can't we just talk to each other?

Behind Blue Eyes: 4 Broken Hearts - Add Your Own.

Subject:	it's decided
Time:	12:03 am.

these feelings i will always have. i cannot deny them, i can only embrace them. even though we are not together anymore, at least for now, i still love her. it is my belief that i always will. we are always changing, but always growing closer. i cannot explain this everlasting bond that i feel between us. it's miraculous, to say the least, and certainly not taken for granted. it's what makes me believe that really, truly, this relationship, however it transforms, is meant to be, and that fact of life is the most wonderful sensation i have ever felt in all of the nearly 22 years which i have been alive.

as for the present time... coping is still hard. in some ways, i still feel broken, but in others, fully mended. this has proven itself to be the most difficult endurance test my life has ever been thrown into, and i still don't completely know how i will survive (if not in the nightmares, at least survive in life). i have a conscious dream to live; survival is a must. although i will probably experience the feeling of my inner organs twisting, pulling and exploding themselves out of my body thousands times over, i have no choice but to buckle up and hang on for the ride.

i asked myself the other night, "is it wrong to want and love her as i do?" after lengthy amounts of thought, my final answer is no. you cannot control your true feelings. they control you. the only catch is that you cannot let them consume you, or anyone else for that matter. you must harness, appreciate, grow, and learn from these feelings and continually make them better than ever have been before.

and so here i am. broken and recovering. almost there, too. but it will be difficult. i can't wait for the future, i long for my yesterdays, and as for the present? well, there's always tomorrow to be happy once again.

Behind Blue Eyes: 2 Broken Hearts - Add Your Own.

Subject:	i'm such a fuckup
Time:	11:06 pm.

i'm so fucked up, man. emotionally fucked up. i dont know what to do. what's happening to me? why was i dumped so harshly? where is my life going? why don't i have any money? why don't i have a real job? why am i so stupid? why am i even alive?

i just don't get it. emotional high, emotional low. i don't know what to do anymore. i've lost my happiness. i've lost my mind. i've lost my baby and i will never get her back.

hands down, this is the worst time period of my life to date. fuck me.

Behind Blue Eyes: 1 Broken Heart - Add Your Own.

Subject:	"i think today is a glorious day..."
Time:	10:42 pm.

for some reason... i've been in a really creative mood lately, and it's completely artistic. i really want to play trombone and write parts all the time. the parts that i've made up lately have been really good too. i also want to write out what's been in my head in a notebook. i have a lot of poetic ideas i want to put down, so i think i'm going to carry a small one with me at all times. and then on top of that, i've been in a very big picture-taking mood lately too, where i want to capture a bunch of different scenic shots on my camera.

i guess a lot of things have been on my mind lately, and i really want to get them out in this form of expression.

Behind Blue Eyes: Add Your Own.

Subject:	a trip to the STD clinic
Time:	5:59 pm.

this is something i've only told a couple people before. i don't think i'll be going out to just randomly tell people, because it's really awkward to just.. bring up in conversation, so i wanted to make a post about it, and whoever reads this can tell others at their own discretion.

yesterday i was diagnosed with having a STD.

it's not one of the common ones, it's called Urethritis. basically meaning an inflammation in the excretory tube that carries the bodily waste from the bladder, which causes pain. i went to a STD clinic to figure out what it was, because STD clinics are free and confidential, and i figured.. hey, if anyone knows about these sorts of things, it's them. so i got all checked out, and i took a HIV blood test too while i was at it. i tested negative for HIV, which is what i expected, but it was good news to be reminded of, just to double check.

so yeah, Urethritis. funny thing is.. there's no way i got it by having sex. symptoms, if you get them, appear 1-3 weeks after having unprotected sex, or a chemical imbalance in your body. i had the latter. 3 weeks ago i had a cold that made me REALLY dehydrated. like.. i haven't been that dehydrated since i took accutane for my acne back in high school. i told the doctor that, and he said, "oh, that's probably how you got it then" and since i know my sexual past over the last 2 months, i also know that there isn't a way that i got it sexually. but since it was a STD clinic, it's up for testing to see if it was caused the most common way: as a result of chlamydia.

good news is, it's the most easily cured thing i've ever even heard of. they just gave me this packet, called Zithromax, that i had to mix with a small glass of water. take one dose, and then a week later, you're cured! woohoo! so i'm all set. it was just scary knowing that i was (and still am for the next few days) a carrier of a STD, and i consider myself lucky because the majority of people in the world actually do have a STD of some kind and have no idea that they've got it.

so i guess with this post, i'm just encouraging you as all of my friends to go and get tested. it's real quick and painless (except for a split second if you're a guy where they take a bacterial sample from...). even if you don't think you have anything, just do it. and it's free too! all of the things i read about STDs and those types of things said that 1/2 or 2/3 of the people infected don't have symptoms, and you could find out by the time it's too late and you're infertile. so i just don't want anyone i care about running into a complication later on in life.

i hope all is well with everyone.

Behind Blue Eyes: 3 Broken Hearts - Add Your Own.