Gwen's Rogues Words

10:51PM - 2 Uncles in one Year

Well I found out today that my uncle Hugh died. He had a massive Heart Attack last week and they had to take him off the machines today. He lasted about 4 hours and then he gave way. I had an uncle that committed suicide in February and now one that died in June. Now it is only my mother and her brother Tommy. Man I guess time does have a way of taking it's toll on people. I have spent the last evening thinking about all the family memories from the 80's when everyone was alive and well and the family got together to have fun times.

I talked to my mother tonight and she seemed very sad. I mean she lost her younger brother this past February and now the brother one year older than her just today. Man I am very sad but I guess that life has it's dire end.

10:10PM - Sucky Weekend

Well maybe it was not that bad but I think Erin was really hurt by her boss being an asshole to her this past Friday. I got home at around 6 and she spent the next 30 minutes being screamed at. I do not think that she deserved that the moment she started her vacation. Erin's night was ruined and the rest of the weekend was not much better. I mean I know she has busted her ass for that job, and I am so hoping she either get's another job or a lot of interviews within the next week. I am sure she will get a lot of hits in the job field. I cannot wait until I am home for good, I actually look forward to traveling up and back a couple of days next week.

10:08PM

Well as most of you know back in February I was forced out of a job that I liked and did my very all to make sure was done with the best care. I have an update for you. About 2 weeks ago I was offered a job with C.P.S and actually the next day was offered a job about an hour away. Well not to bore you all with the details I have accepted the job with C.P.S. I actually start the training a week from today, (Monday) It is a 9 week training and it is located 2 hours north. Not a major problem for me but I will miss E and our friends a lot. Though It is only 2 hours away and I can drive that in my sleep so coming home to visit my dear E will not be that hard if I just need to during the week. I will be home on the weekends so that will be nice.

I will not be that far away since I will be able to use E.'s laptop so I can keep in touch. There is a range of emotion going through me at the moment. I am excited for the new job, but I am nervous for the new position, new skills, different job set all together.

Well there is the update.

11:10PM - Job Update

Well as most of you know back in February I was forced out of a job that I liked and did my very all to make sure was done with the best care. I have an update for you. About 2 weeks ago I was offered a job with C.P.S and actually the next day was offered a job about an hour away. Well not to bore you all with the details I have accepted the job with C.P.S. I actually start the training a week from today, (Monday) It is a 9 week training and it is located 2 hours north. Not a major problem for me but I will miss E and our friends a lot. Though It is only 2 hours away and I can drive that in my sleep so coming home to visit my dear E will not be that hard if I just need to during the week. I will be home on the weekends so that will be nice.

I will not be that far away since I will be able to use E.'s laptop so I can keep in touch. There is a range of emotion going through me at the moment. I am excited for the new job, but I am nervous for the new position, new skills, different job set all together.

Well there is the update.

11:50AM - This is awesome

http://www.myspace.com/letsmaketragedyhappen

12:20PM - Job Hunting Sucks

Just in case you did not already know that. It is horribly boring and about to drive me crazy. That is not a far trip mind you. Well it seems that the old boss did not screw me over as I thought he would. I think it was because I CC'ed in his boss in the message and that might have grabbed hisattention to get off his ass and do what he was needing to do back in November. But hey it is good that he finally did it right?

No other news from the old job as of late, I am sure they are feeling a horrible pinch getting rid of the one guy that worked his ass off and did above and beyond the call of duty and kept the little princess who I am sure has not been at work several days because of her anxiety attacks when it comes to having to deal with clients and actually work. I sure hope she has a daily freak out, since she got what she wanted and I am gone. Funny enough that does not make her the senior counselor, there is still Andrew and if he is smart he will run fast away from that place.

So Lindsey now has to work, I would love to be there to see what that looks like. I fear for the families that she is going to help by helping them with an intervention. That is going to be hysterical, the interventionist having a panic attack while trying to help... Priceless. Well just an update on my losing my mind at the moment and the stress of actually having to deal with the job hunt.

10:21PM - Man the hits keep on coming

Wow I heard a little more from my old job. It seems that some of the staff decided to complain that I "must dislike them" because I was not bonding with them, dancing in the back office, or going to cook-outs at their houses. That is sad really. I sat and talked with them on a daily basis, had lunch with them, reached out to them and supported them. Just because I did not want to hang out with them outside of work does not mean that is a good reason to complain about someone and eventually get them fired. I have friends, a lot of them so why would I want to hang out with the people I saw everyday in the back office. That kind of shit makes me sad for all of them. I guess now a days it is not enough to do a great job at what you do, but you need to hang out with the people you work with. My friends know me, work knew me at work, I did not want to mix the two. Guess I am just a shit huh?

11:34PM - Writer's Block: Take a Leap

Believing that work will find me

4:34AM - The end of an Era

Well they got what they wanted. I am unemployed at the moment. The only question I have is... Is it fair to fire someone just because "there are 2 types of clients when it comes to you... The ones who love you, and the ones who don't". Hell that goes by with everyday life. There are people who like you and those that do not. I was teaching education tonight doing a great motivational attention grabbing job of it and when I gave the clients their break, the Fuck wad that "was" my immediate supervisor came into work and pulled me into his office to either fire me or have me resign. I resigned under duress (sp) So it is now 4:26 am and my friend from London flew in tonight to have a nice vacation with me and E and what does she walk into, My life hitting the shitter. I was told tonight that some of the staff have thought I was not "bonding" with them like they wanted, Just because I think it is horribly unprofessional to have a "dance party" to the Numa numa song, I have followed the outline I drew up to maintain my job ever since I wrote it up in August. Now I a just a toss away for them. I feel so fucking worthless right now, I gave my all to make sure the clients I had were able to have the kind of life they wanted and deserved and now the clients they so want to protect from the confronter will suffer due to their stupidity. I remember from June until the contract was drawn up in August that every day I printed out a resignation letter, even turned down a job because I thought things were getting better, but alas I find myself completely worthless. I should have taken that job, even though they gave me a tiny raise in November. Well if I were not so fucking old I would hook myself to make money at this point. Blah fuck it, I am hurting so badly right now

12:29AM - Death and Suicide

Well this week has been a horrible one and it is Tuesday. Everything at home is better than ever but it seems that life just keeps throwing things at me. I know I have not slept much in the past 2 days and like last night It does not look good for tonight. My heart is acting up again but from a different reason. It is not pounding in my ear keeping me awake it is poundig with extreme sorrow. My Uncle Killed himself today. I am still going through a lot of emotions about it. This was the Uncle that I am most closely modled after, he was the one I felt closest to, looked up to, and felt the deepest bond with. He is the only one who would call me Fred ever since I was 16. Fred is not my name and that is a long story. I am so sad at this moment I am so glad I have E in my life because she keeps my sanity together and loves me like no other could. I have to stop typing at the moment I am crying way to hard.
Until

12:05AM - Man what is wrong with me

I do not know why I am having such a hard time sleeping last night it was my head and tonight I think my heart is trying to move out of my chest. Pound, Pound, Pound, Pound is all I heargoing about 100 miles an hour. Who knows with 3 hours of sleep last night and currently working on the same for tonight I am losing it. I yawn as I type this but know that If I lay down the rapid beating of my heart will just continue. The only thing on my mind tonight is the pounding in my chest. I had a semi stressful day but with the best wife in the world we had the best talk. She puts up with way to much of my insanity for one person. I know that my head is my worst enemy and sometimes it does horrible things to me, but I just wish my heart would not start acting like my head. I have yawned 4 time in the last sentence and yet I still feel the pounding.
I am doing exactly what i would tell my clients to do and yet it seems strange because there is not a mental obsession or thought going on that would be this problematic. So I guess I will just have to sit here and type what ever I think. Hummm Frolicon is coming in March. That would be nice. Playing is always fun though. I am still waiting for the Rock Star on our PS2 to come in since my great friends went in together and got it for my birthday last month. Maybe I am alergic to something in Pizza and my body is having this reaction of my heart pounding. It does seem to happen more when I have sauce. I hope that is not the case because I love pizza and that would suck.
My cat's are asleep, my wife is asleep and yet here I am staring at a computer screen in the dark trying to stop freaking out because my heart is racing. Ah well who gives a shit I might just have to "rest" and not sleep. It might not be good sleep but sometimes just laying there resting with your eyes closed can do the trick. I will one day sleep and it is not going to kill me to not sleep well 2 days in a row. Maybe tomorrow night will be the sleep night. That would rock. 1 night head, 1 night heart, 1 night sleep. I am sure some of this is around the job I feel is slowly killing me. I try to go in, be happy and chatty, but I still look daily for another job. I guess it sucks feeling that any day I could walk in and they just fire me for who knows, not shaving, being to direct, not being direct enough, not supporting things I do not believe in, my shirt does not match my shoes or something like that. I go in every day just completely afraid of what that day will bring.

10:54AM - Water test

I have tested the water and know now who to trust

11:01PM - Family

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that my family is getting smaller and possibly going to get even smaller this weekend. My great aunt is in her 80's had open heart surgery, and has one of the worst forms of Osteoperosis I have heard about. She had 2 blockages in her heart that were 90% blocked. They had to restart her heart 2 times tonight, she is currently in a drug induced coma, has a personal nurse, but they think she might live. I just need to mark this as one stressful week and I am not sure I am getting all the information correctly due to only hearing it from my mother who likes to shield her children from things. My mother is not the best at looking at the real possibilities because if we ignore things in my family they will go away. Ummmm Right. I am not sure really how I feel, I know my great aunt has suffered a lot over the past year, losing my great uncle to Alzheimers, breaking bones when she walks or sits down, having my grand mother who also has alzheimers with her and not really getting support from my aunt or my father.

I am not so upset if she dies, that might sound harsh, but she has had a great life, I am more upset with the fact that my family is dying. I guess that makes me upset because I can remember 20 years ago when everyone was around and we had a normal dysfunctional family, living 9 hours away I guess I really feel disconnected from things due to not being able to see them often. Of course I know if I did see them often I would be even crazier than I am now. I guess this is a no win situation. I do not want my family to suffer through any pain, but I guess suffering is a part of life. I really hope my Aunt does make it through this but I guess I am not really expecting her to, and that is sad because she always supported me even when I had to confront her for still calling my 1st ex wife. oh well I guess we shall see what is going to happen.

10:15PM - Part 2

Fun Day now part 2 of the War

10:13PM - Gelatin Wars part 1

8:38PM - In My head again

I seem to be up in my head again. I notice this when I am having an anxiety attack. Heart is pounding and right now I can only type about it to try and relieve the feeling. I know it started when I figured out that my vacation is over and back to work on Tuesday. I think everything is better there, but I just have this sense of dread when I think I have to go in and act differently. I do not like being torn in two directions within the emotional road. I guess it is better for me to not worry about the fact I cannot figure them out. I know that I care for the clients and am not so concerned with what the staff thinks, but it is just this sense of dread that I feel every day. Well not when I was on Vacation last week. I had this crazy thought that if we won the lottery I would give funds to the Home of the Innocents, The Healing Place, and even TMC. They are programs that help people in various issues in their life. One is for pregnant drug addicted teens, the other the homeless and TMC. I know when you are a non-profit you have little funds and are starving for money. Hell I should know I work for less than peanuts, but I really have no choice. I could go back to school, or get the CADC which is very expensive to get.
I hate it when I am worrying, I mean other than work, I had a great night hanging out with friends, and my friends are the greatest people in the world. My wife is the best, my in-laws just rock. I could not ask for better people in my life, I just feel stuck inside my head and that is not fun. I know I am doing all I can but the fear is just really huge for me. Well there it is, let’s see if it lessens the anxiety now

11:38PM

The Mars de Jelo on display in the Louvre... Me

12:48AM - Heaven

I am in heaven

12:15AM - that is me

2:47AM - Damn Anxiety

It is 2:45 in the morning and I am yawning desperately wanting to sleep but my head will not let me. I guess I can back track the reason for the anxiety. Work has been driving me crazy lately. I go in every day wondering if that will be the day I have to quit. I think it says something that I have resignation letters printed out through July. My supervisor has made it where I do not love my job anymore and for the pay I make I am not sure how much longer I can take it. I go in, do the best job I can. Try to help my clients and yet get called into “supervision” to be told I have no boundaries because I eat other people’s lunches. I carry my own lunch every day and if I forget then I hit up Taco Bell. It seems that they are looking at very picky bullshit that I believe I know who has started the rumors. There is a fairly new person there and she wants to be in management… Really badly. I know I am sounding stupid but this is really effecting my ability to function. I called and got voice mail earlier and I had a message from an old client wanting to come back and see me individually. I find that to be a great feeling that they would want to see me. I am just so very sad that I have been waking up and not wanting to go to work. I do not like the feeling of impending doom every day I go there. Wondering if I am going to have “supervision” and be told my car is ugly, or my socks do not match, or some other lame excuse to chew me out. I mean DAMN I show up every day, do my job, help my clients and not really talk to any co-worker. I was banned from the front office because apparently if you go up there and help answer the phones then you might talk with the receptionists like they are human and I was told I had to remember “I am a clinician and I have to wear that hat all the time” and not get into personal relationships with the members of the front office. Sad really they are the ones we need to have on our side and be the nicest to, but now they just think I am an ass and that I have something against them. It sucks I cannot tell them why I am not the same person anymore because that would prove “once again “I have no boundaries. I love hearing my supervisor’s words in my head, makes them sound even more stupid when I type the out. Well I am going to try and get maybe a little sleep, if not I will just lay with the eyes closed and just try and relax.