®@vën'§ F@¦¦ing ™ [entries|friends|calendar] ravens_falling + About + [age] 28 (5-13-80) [sex] often (er... girl) [hair color] coppery red blonde (my natural color... after almost 6 years of playing with hair dye) [height] 5'2" [eyes] green [profession] novelist by night, home school teacher by day [status] truly, madly, passionaely, and completely in love Everyone has a light and a dark side, I find, and I am no exception. If you’re looking for all the answers, I do not have them, I’m afraid. If you’re looking for someone who is happy all the time, I am not, but nor am I always shrouded in darkness. I’m just a girl, and as long as you don’t ask more of me than you would give of yourself, then we will be just fine. The opinions expressed in this little corner of my world are mine and I would thank you to respect that. I do not demand that you agree with, or even like me, and ask you to extend me the same courtesy. What you see is what you get… unless you take the time to look behind this mask. We all have them, and this one is mine. I’ll be honest, I have the rather stereotypical poetic tendency of falling into month long binges of unhappy ranting. So, if you’re surprised when I don’t seem like the most cheery person on the face of the planet, do not say that you were not warned. I am a lover of dark literature and poetry, thus is will come a no surprise that I am into the gothic and punk subcultures, though time has mellowed me and I'm almost respectable these days. When I fall, I fall hard, and landing is never easy. On the reverse, when I am happy, I am blissful. I truly do try and see the good in most, or all, people with whom I come into contact. I believe in the inherent good in man, and always try and believe that people are as beautiful as they have the potential to be. After all, we only live this life once, no matter what happens, or where we go, after. I try to be a good friend, even if I’m not all that skilled at it, and I am very protective of those I love. It's not always easy, but few things in life of value are, I find. When I love, I love completely, as I’m something of an emotional extremeist. If I had to sum up my life philosophy in one phrase it would have to be, "To everything there is season and a purpose under Heaven." I believe strongly that all things happen for a reason and with purpose, all in their proper time. Just because I can't see the purpose does not mean that it is not there. I am a person of faith, but would never go so far as to say of religion. I believe that everyone must make their own way and follow what path seems best for them. It is their life, after all. All in all, I am a simple person who enjoys the company of those I love, a good book, and a beautiful afternoon. I ask very little from life other than to be loved, to find peace, and the hope that just maybe I might be able to make the world a more beautiful place in which to live. I've moved around a lot in recent years, but am now blessed to live in Muskegon, Michigan... not far from the lake shore. I share a house with some of my dearest friends, and of course, my beloved August. He is the light and love of my life... my taskmaster, and eveing fire. Once upon a time I had thought I knew love. He has taught me what love really is. If you notice a light and joy in my writing that was once missing, you can thank him for that. ^_^ I enjoy a wide range of hobbies which include: table top gaming, the 'Game of Thrones' CCG, graphic design, photography, live action role playing, celtic knotwork, and sleeping. Yes, I consider sleep a hobby. *^_^* I would place my writing in the hobby catigory if it weren't something I take so seriously. However, as I have yet to be paid for it, I suppose a hobby it must remain. I'm also a crazy Halo fan... and worhip at the alter of my XBOX 360 almost daily. (my Gamertag is Ravenfire 117 if you wish to friend me) I have two brothers (25, and 18), and a sister (16) who mean the world to me. I am blessed in that the four of us are all very close. I'm in the statistic of those whose parents are divorced, but it doesn't bother me. They still do a lot together, so I don't feel like I'm missing anything. + Favorites + -Bands- KoRn , Evanescence, Ambeon, Static X, Linkin Park, Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation, VNV Nation, The Killers, DJ Mystic , Delerium , Faithless , L'Ame Immortalle, Muse, Breaking Benjamin, Jem -Movies- Lord of the Rings, Pirate s of the Caribbean, Underworld, Queen of the Damned, Edward Scissorhands, Labyrinth, Legend, Hellboy, Harry Potter, The Chronicales of Riddick, Hero, House of Flying Daggers, The Fifth Element, Sin City -Anime- Beck, Get Backers, Chrno Crusade, Vampire Hunter D, X/ 1999, Naruto, Shaman King, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Bleach, Record of Lodoss War, Macross Plus -Books- Lord of the Rings, A Game of Thrones, Dragon Prince, Some Place to be Flying, The Deepest Sea, Harry Potter, Dune, The Dreaming Tree, The Chronicales of Narnia -Games- Final Fantasy VII and VIII, Onimusha, Tekken 3, Soul Blade, Settlers of Catan, D&D, Final Haven, Fate + Layout + [code]: base by gawariel_design, exteisive editing by me [images]: xbox.com, bungie.net, and me; designed in photoshop [theme]: Some of you may live under a rock and not know that I am a HUGE Halo fan. I'm a pretty big XBOX 360 fan in general, but Halo is my favorite game. This is my tribute to one of the most awesome video game characters of this modern gaming era, the Master Chief, Spartan 117, Jon. Beyond all hope he was a symbol of strength and steadfast determination. Like Arthur before him, when we need him, he will be there. Those of us who believe know that the 7ru7h is yet to be discovered, and that this story is far from over. Until then, we will remember the hero, and we will believe. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[ I'm a nerd ] [ 10 . 07 . 2008 @ 12:13] [ mood | bored ] So... I'm playing in this vampire game... and need you guys to click on this link for me. Repost it, even, spread it far and wide and let the clicking beigin. Click ME... you know you wanna! And then feel free to do so again tomorrow... and the day after that... and after that... *wink* I know, nothing for like 6 months, and I post this. I deserve to be smacked with a platapus.

[ worth sharing, I think ] [ 02 . 29 . 2008 @ 09:11] [ mood | thoughtful ] I posted this in the journal of a dear friend of mine, and thought that it might be relevent to more than just her. Perhaps someone else can find solice in my inadequate words. ____________________________ People are self destructive, my dear one. In a million tiny ways, and others not so tiny, they seek always to rend asunder, break, and torment. I think it's a human nature thing, personally. So, it should come as no surprise that you find that in yourself. Only in that you are self-aware enough to see it. I also know what it's like to stare at that ceiling, a looming sense of self-loathing settling in around you as yet again, you've let him have his way, knowing full well that he does not love you. Will never love you. Not, anyway, in the way you need, desire, and cry out to be loved. He's kind enough, but when you look into his face and search his eyes, you don't see it there. Instead, you see a little pleah that you not ask him how he really feels, because he knows he'll have to tell you, and he doesn't wanna loose his guaranteed lay. However, this much I can give you, though I would never have believed it myself had I not experienced it first hand. Love that is worthy, that is divine and rechless, all consuming, and all giving, exists. It will not hit you like a ton of bricks. It will not slap you in the face and drag you into extacy. That sort of think only happens in the movies. Rather, it will whisper in your ear, catch you in a glance or momentary smile. And you will feel that fragile flutter, often passing it off as something else. But it will persist, in a warm and soft kind of way, one that does not pressure, but that embraces. And when you least expect it, and certainly are not looking for it, you will find yourself looking into the bluest eyes you've ever seen. Your lips will start moving all on their own, forming words your mind had not thought to set to flight. Unlike ever before, when you looked into those eyes and saw nothing, or close enough to that it didn't matter, you'll find somethign new and amazing. A core of warmth, like soft sunlight, and everything you have alwys kept locked away will be mirrored there for you to see. There will be shy looking away, and tenative caresses, but under it all, a force of deep passion and love that carries away all doubt. Not to say you won't have moments. We all have them. You wake up in a near panic, fearing that that other part of you might not be what you think. What if it was all just in your head again? What if this seeming perfection, this bliss made real, is nothing but imagination and desperate clinging to make real what exists only in your own mind? But strong arms will enfold you in their love, comforting and understanding your fear, and all the shadows will fall away. He will know your wounded and frightened heart, and he will love you all the more for it, carefully and slowly nursing you back into the light. It takes time. I'm 27, sadly, and only now do I know and understand. I was engaged for 5 years... and never understood what it could be like. It took the right moment, and those perfect blue eyes. *soft smile* It WILL happen, my dear one, my broken one. Sadly, however, we have to be patient, and that is the hardest part. But before you can find it, you must stop looking. That is when we find what we need most. Look inward and love yourself first, become content enough in who you are. We cannot love another if we cannot even love yourselves. Find peace there, and the rest will follow. Not an easy task, by any means, but neither is it an impossible one. And I promise... when that moment finds you, and you look into those eyes, you will understand. Nothing in the past will ever matter again, no pain or sorrow, because it will no longer be able to touch you. You'll be free. *hug* ____________________________ My baby's comeing home today... after a whole week away... I'm counting the minutes, seriously. *soft smile*

[ blah ] [ 02 . 21 . 2008 @ 09:12] [ mood | discontent ] I'm sure I'm not the only one here who feels that lingering... blah. It's that time of year, when a long and harsh winter is finally taking its toll. I'm tired of freezing my ass off. I'm tired of being cooped up indoors. I'm tired of the sun being a rare visitor. I am SO ready for spring. My current blah mood is prolly very efffected by the fact that August has been out of town on business since Monday. He'll be home this weekend, then leaves Monday for another ten days away. He'll be back Tuesday, just in time for our mini vacation to Chicago till Sunday. It will be no shocker for those of you familiar with our situation when I say that Monday, his first day back, he'll be leaving town for another few days away. *sigh* I miss him. It's not like I don't keep busy, and that I don't have plenty to occupy my time, but I miss him. I miss his smile when I walk in the door after work. I miss him teasing me and then throwing his arms aroun me. I miss late night Halo 3 benders... and naughty bad fun. I miss curling up next to him and reading a book while he plays XBox, and seeing the excitement on his face when he tells me the latest tech news. I miss his warm, nekked body next to mine all night, and when I feel him squeeze me tightly to him in his sleep. *sigh* I miss all those perfectly little every day things that make life with him wonderful. Sadly, I'm getting kinda used to it. I mean, Scott and Beth, one of my room mates and his girl friend, are fantastic to me. They always check in and make sure I'm alright, invite me to go out with 'em, and generally look after me. It means a lot, and I am very greatful to them. It's not the same, though. But, with as often as he has been gone lately, ( 3 weeks out of the month since New Year's), I am getting sadly used to him not being around. It bites. Granted, I get more time to play my video games and such, but I'd give 'em up in a second to have him home with me! Other than that, though, I'm doing good. In a few more weeks, with the change in the season, I will be returning from my usual winter solitude to the world at large. Larp season starts, and it's a mad dash till November from there. August and I did our calender for the rest of the year... and it's insane. Between April and November, we have 3 weekends to ourselves. That's IT! >.< I'm not sure if we can survive our larp/fest schedule. Still, it's all fun stiff, for the most part, so I can't complain too much.

[ rebirth ] [ 02 . 10 . 2008 @ 11:51] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | computers whiring ] So, I decided that this place needed a facelift, which just might get me to post more. After talking with a dear friend of mine, I realized that there are prolly several people out there who use this as a way yo know what's going on in my world. And when I don't post for months on end, people wonder. Thus, this snazzy Halo 3 inspired layout. I am a HUGE Halo junkie, and the previous design was, rather, amatureish. This one is much nicer. ^_^ The header base I actually snagged from the XBOX.com site when they were pimping the new Heroic Map Pack, which is awesome by the by. With some long hours of photo editing, I turned out this pretty kick ass design, or so I think. With any luck, and a lot of discipline, I will try and keep up a bit better. Remember that no news is good news, as a friend of mine often says, and my life at present is almost perfect. *cutsie grin*

[ OMG- SO Funny ] (if you think the PS3 is lame) [ 02 . 01 . 2008 @ 10:58] [ mood | devious ] [ music | Digitally Imported Techno ] Some of you might know what an XBOX 360 and Halo geek I am. August sent me this vid he found today that totally made my morning. Work safe, enjoy with as much sadistic relish as I did. *evil grin* ( Read more... )

[ er.... okay... ] [ 08 . 01 . 2007 @ 07:38] [ mood | sick ] *is a little… disincerted* Dude… I knew that there was fan fiction about books, movies, and actors. That’s something I can understand. I mean, I’ve engaged in my share of fan fiction, after all. But, in surfing for something else, I came across a whole new breed of fan fiction: gay band fiction. As in, Oh… My Chemical Romance RPG fics about how the band members are hot for one another. Now, I’ve never had a problem with slash. I say to each their own, and love as thou will. This is a new one on me, though. Band slash… It’s just… I don’t know. Not my cup of tea and it never occurred to me to ever engage in writing about what my favorite musical groups lives much be like, nor have I ever wanted to avatar them. *shrug* This might not be as interesting to me if I weren’t feeling so crappy. *dies* I think I’m sick… like… really sick. I felt odd most of yesterday, now I feel downright like hell. I wanna curl up and sleep, but I can’t get back to sleep and I keep getting hot and cold. >.< Meh… Meh I say!

[ finally... the Craic Wisley site... ] [ 07 . 30 . 2007 @ 16:20] [ mood | creative ] [ music | Pilot Speed - A Kind of Hope ] Okay, I know I suck. I know that I say I'm gonna do a project, and months later I'm still sitting on it. Well, I finally got off my ass and got some work done on something I've been saying I'd do for a long time now: The Craic Wisely site! For those of you who have no idea about whom I'm talking, you are missing out. They are a kick ass celtic rock band here in the Michigan area who are good friends of my group of friends, and one hell of a bunch of guys. Guys in kilts, mind you. (read: hot!) *laugh* Anyway, got my shit together and spent the last 3 days working on the first of 2 roughs... I'd like to know what you guys think. ( preview ) If the boys like it, I'll prolly model the Craic Heads site after it. ^_^

[ what love is this ] [ 07 . 26 . 2007 @ 02:52] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Plumb - Only You ] He’s curled up next to me, warm and soft, and I think my heart might just burst with the feeling of it all. I run my hands along the strong contours of his shoulders, loving every inch of his skin, which smells softly of soap and his aftershave. His perfect blue eyes are closed right now, and in sleep he is the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the wholeness of my life. His breath comes slow steady, like the beat of his heart that I can feel through the places where our two bodies touch, and the minutes tick by like soft snow falling. I would live in this moment forever if I could. I haven’t written much about my new relationship. Few of you prolly even know that I’m in one. It’s odd for me, given that I usually can’t keep my mouth shut about it when I’m in love, or at least when I’m in like with someone. This, my friends, is like nothing I have ever known in my life. I love with a completeness that leaves no room for anything else. I have no doubt, no fear, and no reservations. I don’t need to write, as if the words will reassure all of my normal insecurities. I live every day in the sunlight of his love, and no words could ever be enough to express the divinity of this feeling. I would drown in him, happily, and know bliss. It seems like it should be too soon to feel this deeply, this strong. There are those who have warned me against falling so very far so very fast. Yet, I would say to them; the choice was never mine to make. I looked up into those eyes, like sunlit tropical waters, and I was claimed. I could not have taken back my heart had I wanted to, for the giving of it was effortless and more natural than the drawing of my every breath. I have known it for a long time, since long before I was free to utter the secret of these thoughts. Blessed am I that his heart, his love, are mine in return, and that he too felt the undeniable from the very first. I know that I was always his, now, and that everything else was learning to be ready. I have been in love before. That is not secret, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I have always loved freely. However, in this life, there has never been a passion to match this, which burns away the nights and ushers in my every day. I have never, never, felt so loved in return. He runs a caressing hand, gentle and strong all at once, along my longing skin, and sends chills up my spine. I look at him, drink in the sight of him, and want to drown in his kisses. He consumes me. More, he desires me. He is never afraid to express how he feels, to make me understand how very much he loves me in return. For the very first time in my life, I feel like someone actually loves me as much as I love them. I haven’t the words to express how mind blowingly wonderful that is. I would give my every breath to make him happy. I have found a peace the likes of which I had not really hoped to find in this life, my friends. To be honest, I had, in large part, given up the hope that I would find that one other spark that could light me afire in the ways I so crave to be consumed. I had resigned myself to a reality in which the kind of love of which I dreamed was simply not to be mine. Now… now I know what it is to live. I wish I could actually feel I could express how I feel. I just can’t. I am more in love, more alive, and more real than I think I have ever been. I am filled with light and hope, with dreams of the beautiful life we will make together, filled with love and passion. I am loved. Even in dreaming, his fingers twine themselves about my own, and every morning we awake as we fell asleep; wrapped about one another in a lovers’ embrace. He whispers that he loves me even in his sleep, and his arms tighten around me as if he fears, in waking, I will be gone. Every morning the first thing he does is kiss me, gaze into my face, and tell me that he loves me. Every morning I learn I have grown to love him more. This is perfection. Yes, I am in love. I am happier than I have ever been in this life. He reminds me not to shut out the world, that I don’t have to be so afraid of everyone all the time anymore. He breaks down my walls, and makes me feel like I just might be able to live without them. After all, before the strength of his love, what could ever harm me? I am learning, and in so doing, realize I have not been fair to those who have always loved me. But that comes later, and those are apologies I owe others. For now, I’m learning how to be a real person, and I think I like it. I finally feel real. His skin is warm next to mine as I write, as he dreams. I’m up, supposed to be writing, because these thoughts just won’t let me rest. He’d forgive me for not getting my new book written if he knew I was bursting with just how much I love him. He shifts, cuddling up ever closer, as if ever a breath between us is too far a chasm. I love that more than I can tell. Even in dreaming he shows me how much he loves me. And I know it’s time to set this aside and wrap my arms around him, whispering all my love into his ear that it reaches him in the fields where his sleeping mind tarries. I will meet him there, knowing no greater love than this.

[ A literary game for my writer geek friends... ] [ 06 . 15 . 2007 @ 18:30] Here are the rules of this little literary game: 1. You have to use every word in the set at least once. 2. You must create a coherent story, or at least a coherent scene. 3. The words must be used correctly. 4. No word in the set may be used as a proper noun. 5. Words must be bolded when used. The word set: montebank charlatan bilk hustle swindle racketeer malinger rogue beguile blackgaurd miscreant profligate rapscallion My Story: Shadows of Silvermeet Dannyan was a mountebank and a charlatan, and well he knew it. He used his charm and devastating good looks to get him out of, and usually into, pretty much every kind of trouble imaginable. After all, with that raven black hair and striking sapphire eyes, who could resist him? Lady Elayne, that’s who, he thought with a little wounded pride as he stared out between the bars of his cell. He should have known better than to try and charm one such as her. However, he’d never been one to pass up a pretty face, and man was she a looker! And clever too. She’d seen right through him and closed in her little trap before he could even begin to bilk her. The rogue was drawn out of his gloomy thoughts by a tap on the bars. The ham fisted, and smelling, guard regarded him with amusement. “Ye got a’ vis’ter. See as ye make it quick.” And he turned to go leaving Dannyan to stare into the darkness. He couldn’t see anyone. Then again, the torch that had been placed in the sconce outside his door had shot his dark vision, so that wasn’t surprising. His sight was a fair measure better than the average person’s, but even he had limitations. “Out of your element are you, my little miscreant?” The voice that taunted him was lilting and musical… and completely unfamiliar. It was also female. That was enough to put a dashing, if wry, grin on his handsome face. “Oh, not much more than usual. I’ve been in worse places, trust me.” “I would not trust the likes of you as far as I could throw you, Dannyan of Silvermeet.” Her voice sounded very amused. “Though, I find your reputation may have been rather overstated.” Her use of his name whipped the smile from his face as it he had been slapped. “Where did you get that name?” As far as he knew, there wasn’t a living soul outside of Silvermeet itself who knew his real name. When about in the world he had always used fake names and so it seemed nearly impossible that anyone could know him. Yet, somehow, this woman, whoever she was, did. He stood and walked over to the bars, trying to locate her. “Not so witty and beguiling now, are you, Dannyan? For a profligate blackguard, I found you shamefully easy to hustle. Rather sad, really.” And she took a step forward out of the deep shadow and dropped the cowl of her black cloak. She smiled carnivorously when she heard his gasp of shock and could not help but laugh. “Elayne! How… what?” Dannyan was utterly stunned. There she stood, all five and a half feet of her stunning beauty. She had long scarlet hair that was pulled up in elaborate braids and curls around her pixie like, fine featured face. Her eyes were a deep and liquid green, flashing and keen. Contrary to a few hours ago, however, she was clad more in the manner of a ranger than as a noblewoman of the Imperial City. The change in her look was shocking enough, but her whole demeanor had changed as well. Gone was the coquettish girl to be replaced by this figure of cold and intelligent purpose. Dannyan could not think of a single retort, and so just sat down roughly on the wooden bench behind him. “Why?” Was all he could really manage at this point. She closed the distance between them and leaned against the bars, studying him closely. She could very clearly see the legacy of his mother’s folk in him, the ethereal beauty, sharp and attractive features, those eyes of his, and, of course, the slightly pointed ears. He tried to hide them behind the falls of his long sable hair, but she knew they were there. There were other things she could see as well. A certain amount of weariness and weight lay upon his strong shoulders. He might try to play the careless rapscallion, but she could see better than that. If she was right, and there was a core of decency in him, then this insane plan of her’s just might not get them both killed. “Why? Because I needed to get a look at you for myself. I had to see if there was anything beyond a racketeer with which to work. That skill will come in handy, but if that’s all there were to you, then I’d have no use for you. A malinger is easy to find, an artist is harder to come by.” Dannyan frowned, obviously confused. “Come again?” She sighed and gazed at him keenly. “Your father once served in this city, a Knight of the Imperium. I knew him, when I was a girl… before…” She looked away for a moment, getting her feelings back under control. “He told me once that if I ever found myself in a tight spot that needed a different kind of aid I should keep a lookout for a dashing swindler who would likely be traveling under the name Merian Tall. It was a simple matter to track you down and get the right information into your ear to draw you here to me.” The rogue’s eyes narrowed and he became all stillness and danger. “What do you know of my father? And what do you really want, Lady Elayne?” He said the title like a sneer. She regarded him steadily. “I know he was a good man, and that the things they say about him are not true. I also know that you might be the only person who can help me.” Dannyan stood and came before her, arms crossed over his chest. “What on earth would make you believe that I would help you? You’ve admitted to tricking me, and then you had me tossed me in here. I’m feeling rather disinclined to doing much of anything for you, lady.” Elayna didn’t flinch. “You are going to help me, half elf, because I can get you in front of the man who is responsible for your father’s death.” His eyes narrowed further. “And in return?” “You’re going to help me restore the rightful Emperor to the throne.” “Arias is alive?” He seemed genuinely shocked. “I have reason to believe so. But I can’t know for sure without your help. What I offer is a chance to clear your father’s name, restore your family’s honor, and reclaim your rightful place in the Imperium if you so wish it.” “And what makes you think any of that means anything to me?” She sighed. “There’s also a heap of gold involved.” A dangerous smile appeared on his devastating face. “Now you’re talking.” ***

[ AFK ] [ 11 . 05 . 2006 @ 19:15] [ mood | aggravated ] Looks like my job is moving after all... to Georgia. So... I'm now out o' work. >.< That means I'm AFK till further notice. Call me if you need me. 248.245.2203 Love you guys.

VNV Nation + AFI = Love [ 10 . 20 . 2006 @ 16:21]

[ S n o w ] [ 10 . 12 . 2006 @ 08:34] [ mood | cranky ] It was snowing this morning. No joke. *dies* Not even a month into fall… and it’s snowing already. This does NOT bode well…

[ To Love... and Be Loved in Return ] [ 10 . 09 . 2006 @ 10:58] [ mood | depressed ] Gay Rights (chain post) "Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" - Ernest Gaines I would like to know who believes in gay rights on my livejournal friendslist. There is no bribe of a miracle, no curses for those that don't participate or anything like that. If you truly believe and support the legal rights of gays to be recognized by the state and federal governments in marriage, then repost this. If you don't believe in or support the rights of gays to be legally married, then just ignore this post and please let those that do show their support. Thanks.

[ Black Hawk Down ] [ 10 . 05 . 2006 @ 09:07] [ mood | enraged ] I’m warning you now… this entry contains some ranting and some of my political views. If you do not want what you read to change your opinion of me, I suggest you keep on walking and forget I posted this. I’m pissed, jaded, and outraged, and I think everyone else should be as well. You’ve been warned… Yesterday and Tuesday were the 12 year anniversary of the slaughter of 19 U.S Army men and Marines during the Black Hawk Down incursion in Mogadishu, Somalia. It took place in October of 1992… when I was only twelve years old. I didn’t understand then what I know now… and it’s taken me more than a decade to wake up to what really happened, and what long term effect those fourteen hours has had on this nation. We see death on the news every day. E.v.e.r.y d.a.y. Mostly, we don’t give a shit anymore. Blood and death are less worthy of notice than who Brad Pitt is fucking. Starvation, oppression, and devastation just don’t register on our radar here in the US… because we don’t have to care. It’s not us suffering, so we don’t care. Hell, even when it IS our own people (the homeless, poor, needy) we don’t care. Or maybe if we do, we feel helpless and overwhelmed in the face of the scope and magnitude of the problem. Whatever the case, most people here are more than willing to accept a standard of living for other human beings that they are completely unwilling to accept for themselves. After all, it’s not my blood, I don’t care. In October of 1992, Bill Clinton had been president for just under a year. Charismatic, he was doing spots playing his sax on Leno and Lettermen. Earlier that year, his choice of the incompetent and grossly negligent Janet Reno led to the death of the Branch Dividians in Wako, TX. Women and children… burned to death because our government mobilized TANKS against our own people. Somehow, and I can’t even begin to fathom why, no one was outraged about this, and Clinton got the pass. After all, who really gives a fuck about a few score crazy Christian white people? Across the world, the UN peacekeepers found themselves with their hands full. Rival tribes in Africans were doing what humanity does best, killing one another. But really… the world didn’t much care. After all, who the fuck cares about Africa, right? Masses of poor, uneducated, backward black people. They don’t have anything we want, so killing each other off means we have less to feed later. Sudan, anyone? Ruwanda? Hmm… this all sounds so very, hauntingly, familiar. The UN botched the job, mates. Despite that the Geneva Convention admonishes such wholesale slaughter, they really just sat back and said, “No no, Mr. General, Sir. Play nice and stop killing your neighbors or we’re gonna have to frown at you.” That, as you can imagine was very effective. Just like Iraq, and Iran, and Sudan, and Syria, and China… the list goes on and on. The food convoys they brought in to feed the people were taken by warlords, and 300,000 people starved to death. STARVED. Not shot, not soldiers fighting for their people… starved… which takes quite some time… women and children and noncombatants. And we watched Bill Clinton play his sax on late night t.v. and thought it was ever so entertaining. Eventually, the UN asked us for a little muscle. Like we did for the French in Vietnam, we answered the call. Brave, noble, and heroic US Servicemen stood tall and said in one voice, “I will NOT accept for these folks a standard of living that is inhuman. I will lay down my life for them, for what is right, and because my country asked it of me.” The rest of the country just shrugged and mostly changed the channel when the horrific images from Somalia scrolled across their television screens. Friends was on, after all. Shit went down. Bill Clinton, our Commander and Chief, left our men to die. He refused to send in enough troops to get the job done, and done right. You tell me what you think 300 can do against 100,000. Think those odds are fair? With the vastly superior training and weapons that our military has, there is NO excuse for the death of 19 sons, fathers, and brothers. NONE. It would not have taken much. US Mog Command BEGGED for the green light to send in more troops to get their guys out, BEGGED… and Washington said no. Why? They didn’t want the bad press. That was the official response, by the way. Oh, and the reason our boys were there during the day and not at night when they would have been FAR more successful? Good Mr. Clinton wanted a photo op of all the good work we were doing over there to flash on CNN. Gotta keep the PR war waging, after all. The bottom line is… good boys died who did not have to. I don’t give a fuck if you wanna argue with me and say that as military they knew what they were getting into. Screw that. The US forces had the men, weapons, and power to get those guys out… and Washington would not let them. Refused. They were left there for 14 hours… in a city held by ungodly superior numbers, exposed, cut off… Left there to die, and die they did. Now, you may not really care. I can’t make you. But I want you to picture your brother being drug through the streets of some third world hell hole while people celebrate over his desecrated corpse. How about your husband? Your Father? Picture it! Does it seem real to you yet? Do you care NOW? Now… imagine you had to live the rest of your life knowing that the government that he loved so much he was willing to die for it, left him there to do just that. That they didn’t spend his life in a noble cause, they turned their back and told him his life wasn’t worth enough to save. After the Black Hawk Down events, we pulled out of Somalia. They made us bleed… and so we tucked our tail between our legs and ran. We didn’t finish the job. After all, who wants to die for a bunch of poor black people? A few countries away, a man saw that if you make the US bleed… we run away. He saw our government make victims out of noble and courageous servicemen. He smiled darkly and began planning… Less than a decade later, that man organized his forces to fly to planes into the WTC in New York. You may be thinking that, honestly, we have no right to be butting into the internal conflicts of other nations. We should cover our own ass and stay out of it. After all, if we stay out of it, none of OUR boys die. And how long do you suppose we’d be safe? A decade? Two? Three? They flew OUR aircraft, on OUR soil, into OUR buildings, folks. Any delusions we had about being safe should be hell and gone from your head by now. Or, have you forgotten? I know, American Idol is life. I’d forget about all those dead people too. I don’t like war. I don’t like picturing ye soon to be 18 year-old brother, his roguish smile on his face, with a gun in his hand on some foreign field… staring up at the sun watching his life bleed away. But you know what? I also don’t believe it is right, ethical, or human to allow others to live in a way we would never accept for ourselves. Why is it alright for them to starve and die? Because they live a world away? Because of their color? Their religion? Fuck that. Oh, right… Lost is on… no one cares. We need to be outraged, people. We need to be SO FUCKING ANGRY that we do something. And we need to give our boys the chance to win. You may not agree with our presence in Iraq. You may buy into the we’re only there for oil propaganda. Fine. I can accept that. But you know what? People over there were being murdered by their own government. Young girls raped. Starved to death. You tell me how building schools, hospitals, feeding them, and allowing them a shred of human decency is a bad thing? Whatever the reason we went, whatever you chose to believe… we ARE doing good. Human suffering knows no political, racial, or religions affiliations. It does not stop for elections. It does not pause for holidays. I do believe, with all that I am, that is given to those with the power to effect change, to do so. It is given to the strong to protect the helpless. Given to the wealthy to aid the poor. It is given to those who serve humanity and freedom to eliminate those who would destroy life and take away freedom. This is important, people. It’s time to decide what kind of person you are. What is most important to you? Do you really feel like it’s alright to be happy and safe when you are unwilling to support others enjoying the same freedoms? Can you really sit back and accept for someone else, someone who loves, cries, and dreams just like you, a standard of living that you would never accept for yourself?

[ publishing news ] [ 10 . 04 . 2006 @ 10:05] [ mood | anxious ] *bites nails* Okay… so I submitted more query letters to literary agents this morning. My goal is ten a day. I’m tired of getting up every morning. I’m tired of being broke. Writing is what I love, and it’s what I’m good at. Anything else is a waste of my time. So, I’m getting SoA into the hands of everyone and anyone who will look at it. I’m sure I’ll get tons of rejections… but all I need is one positive response and I’m good to go. Now… it’s back to the waiting game, my least favorite part. It takes 6-8 weeks most of the time to get any kind of response, so I’m gonna really try and not think about this until then. Usually time flies, but I’m sure in this case it’ll crawl. >.< It’s worth it, though. Like Sara said in Labyrinth, “But I’ve come so far… I’m not going back now.” Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Henges = hippies = bad (and a bonus rant about what a bitch I am) [ 10 . 03 . 2006 @ 09:17] [ mood | apathetic ] Since some people seem to be in a twist about me not going to CAPRS, here's the ever-exciting answer as to why: I blew out a tire. Apparently the cracks in the sidewall were foretelling of something. >.< I blew it at work, and it took all the rest of friday to get new ones and get my running around about my various other car crap done. *sighs in irritation* By the time I was set, it was late and I didn't feel like driving up to Ionia in the rain, in the dark, alone. So... I didn't. Saturday saw a distress call from a friend who needed help with his car trouble, and I couldn't leave him stranded. He's really not got anyone else doen here to turn to, and so I was glad to help. Besides, the weather was sucky... and if I'm going to get sick at a larp, I'm reserving that for FH. Sorry. That, and I was in a writing bender that I couldn't pass up. I got a ton of work on SoA done. So, if you're pissed because I let you down yet again, I'm sorry. I have no control over fate and will not feel guilty about it. Stop taking it personally. Do I sound irritated? Yup. I didn't do anything to activly HURT you, despite the fact that you always seem to be determined to think I have. _____________________________________ I'm not a very good friend, never have been, and will be the first to admit it. I don't call people back... I usually break plans... and HATE being made to feel obligated in any way. I want everything my way, on my terms, and refust to change. Pretty much, I'm a bitch. Don't try and argue the point with me, because I know I am. I freely admit that. I don't, at ALL, like to DEAL with people. Frankly, if you're my friend, you know how I am. You either accept that and are good with it, or you're not. I'm not going to change. Not for you, not for anyone. You know I'm a zebra, so why do you always expect that one of these days I'm gonna show up spotted? And no, this is not directed at you alone, Alandark. It's a general service announcement. LOTS of people seem to think I'm someone I'm not, and I'm really not in the mood to be gentle about it. Here are the facts, people: I don't want you to count on me or need me. I can't hardly handle my own life, let alone yours too. I'm here to listen when I can, and I will ALWAYS keep your secrets, but understand that my world revolved around me, and I am not your rock. The minute your drama becomes my drama and I have to start DEALING with things, I'm out, done, finished. My life is complicated, and I will not permitt it to become more so. When you need me, you put more weight on my than I care to shoulder, and it's not fair. So, I'll be dead honest with ya, whther you want to hear it or not. Frankly, I don't care if anyone wants to hear it or not. The truth sucks, and that's a fact of life. You know I'm brutally honest, so expect it to hurt sometimes. I know I do. You expect honesty from me, so dont' get pissed when you get it. If you don't like what you hear, imagine how it feels on my end. I love my friends, though. Really. For all of that... I DO love you. I love you in MY way, not as YOU want me too. Please, for the love of God and all the Angelic Hosts... except that if I say we're good... we are. I ASSURE you, if we weren't, you'd know. I'll TELL you. Don't put me in a cage and try to fit me to the person you WANT me to be. It i'nt happenin'. Just because you don't hear from me does NOT mean I don't still love ya, it just means I want to be left alone. If you know me, you know that's what I'm like. I always have been, I just used to have more energy to hide the fact. I know no one wants to hear it... but I don't NEED ANYONE. Seriously. I have made my world like it is so that I don't HAVE to need anyone. If everyone suddenly just walked out of my life, which people very often do, it won't shatter me. Not ever again. Does that mean I don't care about you and that you're not importent to me, no. It means that when I DO call you or hang out, I'm doing so because I WISH to. It's not out of some assanine feeling of obligation or guilt. I react very, very BADLY when people try to guilt me, as some of you know. Nope, if I spent my time with you, it's because that's exactly what I wish to be doing, and you have my undivided attention. You can either accept that... or not. S'up to you. I'm not babysitting anyone feelings here. Your feelings are your damn problem, just like mine are my own problem. I don't expect anyone to give a shit about me, as their world doesn't revolve around me. That's cool... it shouldn't. I'll do my best to be honest with you, keep my PROMISES (note the special use of that word... know the difference between a 'likely plan' and a PROMISE), and be there when you really need me. Truly. _____________________________________ Sunday, mom, Chelle, me, and Matt were watching this thing about Stonehenge. They're always the same, with the same info and same lack of conclusions, but I watch them every time anyway. Why? Because I'm a geek. *laugh* Matt chimes in,"The US needs to build a henge. We don't have anything that cool here, and we should." Mom gets this thoughtful look on her face and shakes her head. "No," she replies, "henges attract hippies." I laughed so hard I fell off the couch.

[ New Layout: Halo ] [ 09 . 22 . 2006 @ 13:39] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Joy Drop : Beautiful Like You ] The answer to your question is yes, I am a huge geek. So, don't bother to point it out. *self effacing grin* The subject of this newest layout is, as some of you might know, the Master chief, Spartan 117 from the kick ass XBox game Halo. I wasn't that into this game at first, mostly only playing with my brothers as a way to kill time... or get killed, as the case may be. (I really suck at the game) Josh has been pestering me for like a year to read the Halo books... novelizations of the back and side story behind the game. I finally did... and OMG! Such a good story and world, believe it or not. I was surprised. The second book was blah, but it was by a different author than the first and third. Now I can't wait for the 3rd game to come out sometime next year. I've beaten the first two with the help og Josh and Matt, which was an alien slaughtering, world saving good time. I've been in a mood lately, and I'm not really sure why. I think it has to do with the dynamics of the people around me changing. Maybe I'm the one changing, I don't know. On some fronts, I know that I have left others behind... closed myself off like I'm well aware I have the habit of doing. It's nothing personal, just the way I am. When things get complicated, I shut down and close everyone off so that I can deal with how I'm feeling and move on. Simple as that. In other regards, some people I care about have moved on. Found new hobies, new friends, new jobs... and simply don't have time for me anymore. Things aren't the same. I don't want to be hurt, as I do this same thing to other people all the time, but I can't help but be sad. I'm a victem of my own creation, I know, and have no one to blame but myself... but that doesn't make it any less crappy. Today is the last day of summer... and I'm not at all sad to be seeing it go. Fall is my favorite time of year, and I'm ready to settle down, I think. The leaves are changing colors, lighting the world on fire, and I love that. Evening comes earlier, and the mornings are frosted with chill. I feel a sense of deep thoughtfulness, as if the world is holding its breath in preperation for the long winter to come. While I could do without the snow, or at least none on the roads, I'm ready. Perhaps I'm just at that point in life. I'm closing down everything that even looks like it might hurt me, shutting out everything that get too near, and settling down for the long winter of some time to think. *shrug* Or... I could just need to get some sleep.

[ fun with quizes... and a new layout ] [ 09 . 08 . 2006 @ 10:59] [ mood | bored ] ( quiz fun )

[ A Call to Arms ] [ 09 . 08 . 2006 @ 08:38] [ mood | chipper ] I don’t know if any of you know, but I’ve entered the Last Layout Standing contest again this season. I’m in the top 8, hoping to move to the top 6 this weekend. If you’d be so kind as to head over to Freelayouts sometime on Saturday or Sunday and drop me a vote, I’d really appreciate it. Also, feel free to ask, prod, or bribe any of your LJ friends to vote as well. Every vote counts, and I’m hoping to improve my previous second place finish with a win this time. ^_^ Thanks in advance!

[ gonna be a ninja ] [ 08 . 31 . 2006 @ 09:49] [ mood | energetic ] I don’t’ know if I told most of you, but I started taking martial arts this week. Choi Kwang Do, to be exact. I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to get into a martial art, and I keep putting it off and making excuses. Well, this time, I actually did it. And OMG do I LOVE it. Choi is a Korean martial art, derived from Tae Kwang do. However, where Tae is very rigid and hard on the body, with bone to bone strikes and snaps, Choi has none of that. It is more fluid and designed to work WITH your body’s natural movements. Seriously… I’m SO sore, and all my muscles ache… but it’s the best kinda ache, you know? I have class Monday and Wednesday evening, and then I go running and practice on Tuesday, and hopefully on day during the weekend. I even have my first belt test on the 16th of September! Kwanjanim (my Master) says that I’ll be ready! It means missing Winter Haven, which is a bummer, but I have to have priorities. I promised myself that I would give my all, and that Choi would come first. Besides, Josh’s birthday is on Sunday, and so I was gonna leave WH early anyway. A friend of mine is one of the instructors, which is really helpful. He’s been totally awesome about giving me pointers and extra help, and I’m even hoping to scam him into an extra practice session this weekend, since I won’t have class on Monday. Everyone there is super wonderful and nice, which is awesome, since I was a little apprehensive at first. Really, deciding to take Choi was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. ^_^

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