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Jan. 30th, 2008 @ 10:09 pm
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I'm not having much hope for '08. Back in December '07 I had so much hope. But so far it's been one giant cocktease(pardon the expression). It just feels like a series of 'oh, this will be great', followed by a 'oh no, it totally fell through and I'm left worse of *wa-wah-ah-ah!*'. To name a few of the psyche outs 2008 has thrown my way:
+ got a free cellphone from the lost and found
- I can't use it on my current carrier(Verison)ever, ever ever
+ could have gotten a new laptop from OfficeMax on my extended warranty(hinge broke)
- claimed I had damaged it beyond the warranty
- computer running not well(sometimes, died while writing this entry{thank you autosave})
+ got Guitar Hero II for 360 for $40 (normally around $100
- guitar's green and blue buttons don't work (making it unplayable)
+ have a chance to get production manager position at my job at the printing center in OfficeMax
+ job would double my pay and give me a minimum of 32 hours a week
- have yet to get an interview and everyones hours are being cut(I'm running about 16 to 20 hour)
Well now I have a chance to get a Guitar Hero II controller for free thanks to Activision. I'm also getting around $1 000 from the government from taxes. Hopefully Activision doesn't mind that it's from GoodWill and I don't get audited. Here's hoping 2008 gets better. If it doesn't, I'm going to be a real dick this year.Current Mood:  angry Current Music: Queens of the Stoneage-A Song For The Deaf |
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Holy crap, a whole year . . .
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Jan. 11th, 2008 @ 03:49 am
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Damn, it's been over a year since I last posted. That's some crazy shit right there. Well, what was I doing for over a year of silence? Well, I was healing some injuries, both emotionally and physically. Broke away from destructive relationship habits. Got my first set of stitches. I'm all but on my way to becoming a game designer now. So, let's start at the top of that list.
Well, let's say you see a part to your car. Now, let's say it would totally complete your car, but it might not completely fulfill its own function. Now, let's say that part was already part of someone else's car. What do you do? Do you drive close to that car, hoping that part will fall off and you'll catch it. That's stupid. You could get in a serious accident. So, you leave, give that part up, and search for another. Well, that's what happened.
I also cut myself. Oh dear, have I become that depressed? No, just clumsy. I was eating an apple and happened to be using a folding sports knife. I was angry and decided to give it a few jabs into a piece of drywall that already had a few number of holes from previous residents of the pseudo-room I currently belong to. However, this sports knife is rather cheap, and the collapse button is rather loose. Well, pressure, plus pressure release equals a knife to the first knuckle on the right index finger. Immediately I have a feeling of "oh crap, that was incredibly stupid". Well, two hours and two stitches later, I'm feeling no less stupid. Thus, I had my first stitches.
In gaming and education, the game design program is official at MATC. I hope to join in the next few days, as I've been taking courses for the past year and a half. This said, I don't know how many courses I have yet to take. Hopefully not many more. I'm hoping that I'll be more active now.
So, big update, hope people still read this thing. If not, oh well, hopefully more will read with more activity. Toodles.Current Mood:  relieved Current Music: U.N.K.L.E. |
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Quote fo the day(back dated) . . .
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Dec. 2nd, 2006 @ 05:39 pm
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Well, this actually isn't going up on the second, it's for the first.
The quote of the day:
"Hey, look, Emo!"
"Wha? That's Elmo, you idiot!" |
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For a good time, for a good time call . . .
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Nov. 6th, 2006 @ 06:05 am
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867-5309
I have a cell phone now. Yep, an actuall microwave antenna, medium range wireless communication device. What? You want my number? Well, just ask. If I care to hear from you I'll give you it. If not, I'll give you the gift of silence.Current Mood:  weird Current Music: TMBG-You're not the boss of me now |
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Ugh . . .
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Oct. 9th, 2006 @ 04:53 am
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Iiiii feeeeell like crap. Well, not like crap, like a shirt soaked in bleach. Sort of blah and falling appart. Why? Well, my blood sugar is falling, fast. When that happens it really screws with my head. It's not like being in panic mode like when you're low, but a 'what am i' sort of feeling. I should be fine in an hour after my system settles down, but right now, I'm just out of it.Current Mood:  blah |
| » Trying something out . . . |
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Let's see if it works.
Click Here to view more about me.
Sep. 17th, 2006 @ 10:42 pm
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| » A brand new dawn of social connectivity . . . |
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Well, I'm getting back into Facebook. It's a little scary how it has grown in just a few years. Has it only been? Wow. Well, anyways, I'm trying to ballance that aspect of myself in and amongs so many other things. It's weird to see that people actually noticed it was my birthday. I really didn't care at all that it was. Well, hope to be more active in everything. I might expand this post later.
Sep. 8th, 2006 @ 06:54 pm
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| » New Reccord(for me) . . . |
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Last week I had a dentist appointment. I also had to go downtown to MATC. Later on I had to work. Now, I could have taken the bus to the second two, but no, I refused. Instead I rode my Aluminum horse to all of them, and back. What was the total when all was said and done?
Well, my odometer said 113.5 miles when I started
It said 163.5 whence my journey ended.
I traveled fifty miles in a single day. Fifty! Ten more than previous reccords. So, how did it feel? Like a day of riding. As usual I had severe cramps in my legs around half way, easily alieviated by exchanging some fluids(out with the old, in with the new). I didn't go low because I had plenty of carbohydrates. It was as if I had a working pancreas. I felt good though. I felt radiant when I walked through the warehouse at work. I felt electric when I laid down to bed. It was indeed an accomplishment for me. I need to go further though, much further. One day I will go to Madison, and Chicago, in a single day. Then, I will fee, well, a lot like shit, but good none the less. To think, we can take a couple peices of aluminum and with our feet, move ourselves miles uppon miles, free as a bird.
(p.s. there will be two pictures to come)
Aug. 19th, 2006 @ 04:02 am
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| » Because I'm a lazy ass, and something needs to go here . . . |
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I think I'll become a workaholic this school year. Why? Well, when external conflicts start getting to you, you tend to internalize them. For me, it's my love problems. It's stupid, I know, but, I don't know. It's there, why not let it fester in the back of my mind, eh? This coming school year feels like an approach to a massive hill(bike analogy here). I will be tested, and should I pass, I will be ready to go to the next level. That being? I'm going to go for a game design degree. I'll be paying primarily in loans, so I'd better be a damn good game designer. But I digress. My classes include the usual humanities, history, english, but alongside these are the pillars of 3d animation and 3d graphic design. Highly project based classes. It should be noted that I hate projects with deadlines. It's a psychological thing. I just sit and sit on a project till I'm rushing to get it all done. It's been like this for years. But now I have a challenge before me that I can only accomplish with well timed work ethic. But I also have my emotional avoidance to help me too. So, should I climb this hill, I will begin a long and winding journey to become a creator of interactive entertainment. A high position on a lofty hill, I am quite scared. But I must prove myself. Prove my worth. Show my merit. And drive, drive for the abstract goal.
Aug. 19th, 2006 @ 03:52 am
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| » Death is nothing, to live in defeat is to die every day . . . |
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I feel defeated, beaten, and I don't konw what to do. This is the continuation of my love problems. My chance with that whom I long for are soon to be extinguished, like so many small burning embers. I don't know, I don't know if it's a sense of real love, or just a desperate attempt to get attention and I'm fooling myself, or if it's just jealousy over a friend, but whatever it is, it makes me angry. Angry, furious, and deeply sad. I know if I acted on any of my feelings, it would only make my position worse by far, this it pains me.
*sigh* I'd say I felt like my life was over, but that just sounds way too damn cliche. I really don't know where to go from here. All I can do is sit in my basement, languish over my laptop, and try to forget, if just long enough to sleep.
Aug. 7th, 2006 @ 01:58 am
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| » A lot to say, but I don't think that it'll all come out tonight . . . |
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I've been doing a lot lately, and it needs posting. Hm, where to start? Well, I'll just start with the events of last week. Last week was the fourth of July. While I'm not at all patriotic, my family has a picnic every year on the fourth. It's a nice break from the usual summer routine. While there I mannaged to slip off to a local park as the sun was going down. I laid on the ground and just watched the sky, thinking about life. What keeps me back, what makes me go forward, how do I find a good ballance of the two. As usual I never quite come to an answer, but it made me happy to relax like that, holding my hands in front of me, as if weightless. I came back to my same old family with their same old problems.
That same week my uncle Tony came to visit. While he always come for the fourth, it should be noted that he's a big biker. Well, turns out while I was at work one day he paid off my ballance for my new bike (he's loan sharking the debt). I've rode over seventy miles the first few days I had it. On the last day he was here, me and my brother rode him back to the ferry to Michigan. We ate at a small diner in Bayview, across from Stone Creek. We saw him off on the ferry and me and my brother rode home. It was nice riding on the new bike, things were well. They would not stay that way.
Later that night, we got a call from a family member. My grandfather on my dad's side, the one I had spent so much time with these last few days, had a stroke. He fell and hit his head as he passed out. When he came to he was unable to get up and was having difficulty communicating. He was rushed to the hospital. Is he in his last days? No. Not by a long shot, but it has been scary. He dosen't live in a healthy manner. Neither does my grandmother. They have too much fat and sodium, and don't excersise at all. Will this be a wakeup call? I can only hope so.
With that bit of trouble lurking overhead, I enter this week. I'm working more. A lot more. A whole fourty hours. It's different getting up every day. I'm working more than anyone else, even my mannager. We're trying to make changes to our store; the stock room, production, etc. It's frustraiting. While it's nice to have some things get a clean sweep, it makes me angry to see so much waste. The district mannager does not want to see hoarding, yet me and my mannager have resorted to just that to keep some things in house. We have no power in deciding what we get as far as equipment. Nothing seems to be standard. We need autonomy from these boobs who sit in their lofty executive towers and issue vague mission statements on what is corperate approved. It's nothing more than beaurocratic BS. Change will come though, and that's something they can't stop. But I digress. I'm becomming more and more confident in my own abilities, and so I become more powerful. Firing me is not an option.
So, all in all, things are a-changing. I miss my friends, but I know that's something that will have to wait, or be removed from the equation. Ah well. Off to bed, to get up for work tomorrow.
Jul. 12th, 2006 @ 02:02 am
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| » Selfworth . . . |
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So, now adays I can't help but relive my past, to revisit my greatest successes and sorest defeats. A strange sense of nostalgia. As if I was in a haze the entire time, same place, time is irrelevant. But now I can see all of it for what I made it. Like Julia said, "it's all a dream". It was all a dream. The dream, the apprehension started after my graduation from middle school. What I entered was a world I was never able to face with the confidence I should have. What has become of my life? Not much beyond what it was back then. I never aspired like I did in middle school. I never did the projects of my youth. The daring endeavours that let me dream of more. You know, back in eighth grade, there was a special advanced math group, all girls. It was all done by a teacher, Mr. Graph, and he had to approve you for enterance. I did thirty or so math lessons just to get in. I never told him, but I asked to get in. I then survived on all the work I had done for a while. Then, I did it again, and gave it to him. He refused to even look at it, but never asked for homework from me. I was happy knowing I was just as good, or even better than that group.
But in high school, I never did anything like that. Why not? I barely did what I needed to do. I often started grand ideas that never came to full realization. I tried to do Gundam models, but I fell away from that. I tried to do banzais, but I could never keep up with it enough to get results I wanted. I tried to do science olympiad, but it only worked the first year. I've always tried to be an artist, but only really been good at ceramics. I tried keeping up a sketch book but I always fell in and out of it. I've tried using a Wacom tablet, but I've never kept up with it to get any skill up. I've always fallen out.
Now, I lok at it and I realise all of this. But now, what do I do? How do I overcome my lack of will and determination. What is it that I lack? Is it mere depression? I don't think so, as I've spent the last six months on a weak depression medication. Is it the lack of companionship? I don't know, it may be part of the larger problem. As to is my fear of new situaions and challenges. I've ridden on what I already know and the ideas I come up with. Going beyond is a bit daunting.
But now my past failings face me once more. But there is something different this time. What's that? Hindsight. I know my past failings, and now I must do something that I couldn't do before. I must go beyond. I must push through the fear, the apprehension. I must become that which I was afraid to become. But I don't want to do it alone. I altleast want to have some encouragement, some reflective perspective. And what more, I want some challenge. Perhapse that was it? I had a gague of which I could measure myself that was not unreachable, or so I preceive. Perhapse I am stronger than I give myself credit. I must find the strength, too, to do what I can only dream. I must be brave, brave enough to succede.
Jul. 2nd, 2006 @ 12:47 am
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| » Hydrophobia . . . |
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I am not afraid of water. Not one bit. Infact I find it rather pleasant. Rain especially. But I know many who would otherwise shun a perfectly good day all for the fear of a little oxygen bonded to some tiny hydrogens. Today, was one of those days. It was warm today, a most pleasant warmths that you only get when it's not quite full sun, but the sun can somehow get a good shot in. It was humid, but humid from below. Too many times it's humid from above, the smog falling on your shoulders in waved of moisture. No, this was an uplifting of air and water in cool waves, driven by the heat of the day.
I started twards work, following the service trail behind Brown Deer park. It's quite a rush back there, especially when you have to dodge the puddles made from rain fall and tire ruts. I crossed 43rd, and headed instead twards Danny's place. I snuck through the back, going through the hedge dividing the trail and the train tracks too early. I finally reached the spot where a small foot path led from the tracks to Danny's back yard lay, only to find the house empty. I rode back on the road. It had begun to rain, and so my glasses did little good but impair my vision. I filled out my new availibility form for work and was off. It had stopped raining and was clearing up a bit. This would not last.
Going along brown deer road, I continually had water spalshed on me by passing cars. There were large puddles on the shoulder where I am forced to ride. After several minutes I decided that avoiding them was pointless and enjoyed making a great swathe through the waters. My pants were soon soalked. I was most thankfull for waterproof boots. I found an EBgames and decided to check it out. I can only guess to what they thought of me. I soon rode off, not finding much. I rode onto Port Washington, and headed to Wheel and Sprocket. Along the way I was continually forced into construction areas. Now, the road in these areas was mostly finished but the new blacktop had begun to secreet its oils from the rain, and it was most perilous. I got to W&S and paid $100 on my new bike(I've been riding my brother's bike). I rode on.
I went to Bayshore, to check out another EB. I found the trip most enjoyable. Since my accident I had not traveled that route much and all the old scents had awakened my memories. I like the new Bayshore, I can't wait to form memories to the scents of it. Yes, I want to smell a place. Scent is tied well to memory, and thus imprinting a good memory on a places scent is a nice thing. I rode on, not finding the clerk I wanted to talk to. Heading on the Oalk Creek trail, I was again reminded of the past years. But more now, I was reminded of the rain. The first two thirds of the trail on the old train tracks was fine, but once I got past Riverside it began to rain harder. I slipped only once, and only because I had gone onto the gravel shoulder when I was getting some water. I saw a man standing under one of the bridges that go over the trail. I could not make the same connection with him under that bridge, but I nodded anyways as I passed him.
Downtown was far worse. The construction has left the roads full of holes and mud. Riding over a six inch gully on a bike sucks. Being splashed in the face as well, is an added bonus. I could not help but worry about slipping and falling again. I had the greatest fear while going over a metal bridge on Wisconsin. I eventually got to my destination, more water than man(though this is usually the case, I am 2/3 water). I walked into the Grand Ave. mall and went to . . . YES, another EBgames. Three in one day, but all worth it. We had a discussion on intellectualism and games, and more so, how to get intellectual types to play them. We came to no conclusions, but progress was made. I left with a new RPG for my DS. I had my usual at Culver's and I rode home. The trip was mostly uneventfull. Not even the hills which usually pain me seemed that bad. I got home and when my parents got home with the camera, I took a picture of myself(this will be put up later).
Well, was it worth it? Should I have stayed home and stayed dry? Well, I don't see why? Water is just water. It won't hurt you. And you know what? I like getting wet. I like the feeling of heavy clothes, and spending hours drying. It's part of my childhood. So, today was a great day. Today was a wonderful day. And I am glad I did what I did. Now everything is dry exept for the back of my legs which have been against the couch. My hair is fluffy. I am happy.
May. 31st, 2006 @ 01:16 am
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| » Masculine Revolution (pt 1). . . |
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WHAT? What the hell am I talking about? Well, it's been plaquing my mind, but when will there be a masculine revolution akin to the feminine revolution? Huh? Well, let's outline the situation so far.
1940's-50's:Prelude
The women of America and many other industrial countries are forced to take historically male roles of bread winners and laborers. This is a result of the second world war. After the men come home, they expect to retake their old roles as heads of households. However, the roles of women have been historically altered, and the mode of thinking for many has been changed.
1950's-early 1980's:Women's movement
Women of the new generation, having seen women as strong and capable become capable themselves. No longer are they defined by the man they marry but by the place they carve in the world. This in turn means that men must ajust to their own diminished roles. For many, this is not easy. They have been raised to see men as the powerful ones who provide for the family. Now they must share that role with many eager women. However, while women have the choice of both roles, breadwinner or gentle caretaker, men are pushed by society to only provide. They are not allowed weakness, as is the cultural steryotype. They internalise this pressure.
late 1970's-present:Male counter revolution
Men lash back. Now they are no longer the petty provider, the hard working joe average. Their repressed lack of options has resulted in a new form of masculine expression. Now enters the uber-masculines, the ubermale. An ubermale values what the youth of any generation see as the pinacle of masculinity:Speed, Strength, Sex. First and foremost sex. The goal of the ubermale is to get his penis into the best looking woman he can, then into the second best, ad infinitum. The idea of caring about a woman, possibly "making love" is not the point. Rather it is a matter of "scoring". Women are disposable, cultuer perpetuates this idea and more than enough women buy into it. Second is the redneck attitude. A stigma is put around education and the benefits there in. Getting money in less work heavy, less brain reliant methods is seen as desireable. Then next and perhapse final feature to the new breed of ubermale is a fear of weakness. While most fears manifest themselves in avoidance and less proactive ways, the fear of weakness is quite pronounced. The subject will often try to elevate or at least exagerate one's abilities. An avoidance of weak activities is almost alway present. Certain activities such as poetry, opera, gardening, and child care are seen as a bad thing and work not designated to men. Such foods such as fine dining, french foods, non harsh coffee, and health foods are seen as a bad thing and are avoided. And last, there are certain things not to be such as gentle, kind on a noticeable basis, intellectual, reflective, and most ceratainly homosexual.
These points have resulted in the repression of women, the elevated crime rates, violence against gays, the rise of the Republcan party, the continued inequalities among the sexes, the "American" lifestyle, and the downfall of America. These are just some of the issues caused by the backlash from being men being marginalized. In the second part, I shall discuss the possible solution for these problems, plus, I'll show you what I'm really made of!
May. 26th, 2006 @ 04:13 am
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| » This is NPR, Napoleon Public Radio . . . |
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Well, I said that I'd be more like the Stetzerd one, but I'd rather be a mix between that and NPR. If anyone listens to the podcast for 4collorrebellion you'll know Sensei Vinnk's section, Rebbel in Japan. It's a wonderful commentary on life, gaming, and being an American in Japan. What more, the sensei can only be a fan of NPR, as his mannerisms are as if they were ripped from that wonderful radio network's normal programming (Car talk is a great bit of contrast). So, enough of that bit, onto what you came here for, what's going on in my life.
Divine Retribution:
I am a lazy procratinator. The worst. Well, now I'm not only being punished by the late nights I keep and the dissapointments I create, but now it seems that the powers that be have smitten me. On Wednesday, I was down on time for a project and I knew I cound't get it done with work in a few hours. So, I called in sick. This wasn't entirely untrue. The day before I'd felt pretty exhausted and on Monday, I had been bending down to pick up the garbage next to the DC 490 when I had a shooting pain in my upper back. I struggled and struggled and mannaged to get something resembling a paper in . . . by Friday. I have no idea what's going to happen with that grade. Odds are my other work will ballance it out. I had been grazed by a bullet and I had an okay sized fleshwound. Not to bad for something that was assigned at the beginning of the course. But I would not escape retribution.
Last night I had the beginnings of some pretty nasty congestion. I took this as allergies. I had been inside most of the day and the pollin count had been pretty bad that day. well, waking up today was rather painful. My back hurst up the spine and on the shoulers. My arms and legs hurt. My head feels heavy and my sinuses are congested. I'm sick. I'm very sick. All I want to do is be better. I'm not hungry for much beyond some club soda and, well, that's about it. I don't feel like playing much in the way of games, despite being on break now. So I force myself to do most everything now. Eat, drink, take deep breaths, play New Super Mario Bros. If anyone wants to try to help me feel better, and aren't worried about diseae, feel free(call first though).
May. 21st, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
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| » Oh hey . . . |
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I should probably let you know(for those who even care) I have a new email. Andrew@headboxband.com Yes, my brother gave me an email account on his site, and yes I'm using it as my primary mailing address, but it works(for the most part).
May. 16th, 2006 @ 11:40 pm
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| » I'm too many shades of happy and sad . . . |
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God, I hate where I am right now. Too many conflicting emotins. Of course there are the bad ones, I've gone on enough about those, but there's also good ones and other bad ones. FUCK! E3 just ended and I'm all a flutter over all the info on the Wii. As well, there are so many new DS games, it's quite amazing. I'm going to pre-order a DS lite and a Wii, and buy New Super Mario Bros. I'm almost out of school, which is awesome. I'm hoping to get a new bike sooner or later, when I can devote the money to that eneavour. I've been drinking way too much tea, but my love of tea overrides any negatives of that. Now onto the negatory. I'm not doing so well in Sociology (mostly because of these three fucking papers I have to get in). I'm quite a bit worried about all the finals I have to take come tommorow. The shape of my area downstairs is oh so enfuriating. I hate not having walls/a door/windows/a constant temp. above 60F/a decent tv(game reasons)/a good office chair/a papasan chair(the least of my worries, but still)/a bed(and place for one)/etc. I don't have enough money for all the things I want to do. Let's see, I slowly want to buy enough stuff that I'll be use to fending for myself, so living on my own won't be that bad. I want to pay for my bike, which has been sitting at Wheel and Sprocket for the longest time. I want to pay off my laptop a little faster than $100 a month. I want to buy some walls for myself. I want to got to Ralleigh,nc/Canada/Moorehead,MN/Minneapolis,MN/Chicago,IL/Madison,WI/elsewhere. I also want to start buying my own food and a refrigerator to house it.
But is all I do is bitch and whine? No, it's just I'm trying to get some things off my mind that have been bothering me. These worries have been keeping me from my school work. I really would like to tell more about my life, like Emily Joy does on her blog (porkrinds.blogspot.com), but I just don't find my life all that interesting for me to commit to digital paper. Hm, well I guess I'll try to start, maybee I can get some actual friends that way(or chase them all away when they find out how utterly boring I am). Either way, it dosen't hurt to try, unless some psychopath finds it and starts stalking me. Well, the only way to start is by stating my case for exsistance, and proving I'm not just computer generated text. Well, I live in a small house that use to be my Grandparents until them passed on(straight to Menomonee Falls). It's not big, a driveway on the side that's paralleled by two flower beds and leads into the back yard the width fo the three combined. There's a garage in back, not connected to the driveway, but dominating the back yard. The house is small, three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, a kitchen, a living/dining room. The basement has an unfinished bedroom(my designated room), and I live in another corner all together where I hope to put some walls up. I have a couch, two desks, a coffee table, a hutch with a twenty year old TV and a PS2, two shelving units, and a book case. This all fit into an (oh say) 15'X 20' area. It would be quite cosy, if it weren't alway cold. This house use to house around 10 children at a single time, and held many a family gathering. I live in a neighborhood that's part of milwaukee but surrounded by suburbs(brown deer and Fox point). There are housing projects a block away, and a country club three blocks away. I go to the local gas station for my bus pass. It's called Andy's Petro Pantry. It's nice, they have Crispy Creme Doughnust and a Subway built in. When I ride, I tether my bike to the little picket fence around the dumpster in back because they don't have a bike rack.
Well, that's all I'm going to unload on you tonight. Hopefully I'll pump these reports out and I won't fail Sociology.
May. 14th, 2006 @ 11:59 pm
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| » I'm scared . . . |
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I'm trying to find a solution to my problem, yes the problem I constantly whine about, but it's really bothering me. The best solution i've come up with is leaving my friend. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me, I don't know what else to do. I'm just not coming else with anything else. No one is giving me anything else. It hurts to think about it, but I know it's not fair to keep things the way they are, not fair for me, not fair for her. I just don't know. I don't want to give up, but I don't think that I'll get over this attraction if I'm so close to her. It's depressing me, and I'm on meds. What now, if I give up her, I give up the people I've called my "group". she was my enter into this group. I also give up my only active friend, which has been a great thing for me. I just don't have the social skills for friends. I'm scared of people, scared of looking foolish, scared of feeling out and never fitting into a group. People have never dissapointed to support my paranoia. It's one of the reasons that I have such a deep angry streak. Sometimes I just want to snap and release all this tension and anger, but I repress it for the people I care for. It's a matter of wanting to feel in control of the situation. But with her, I never had to pretend, I could relax a bit and that lead me to feel a connection. But the feeling was never mutual. She is a powerful woman, and I just can't keep up with that. So what now? I don't stand a chance "getting with her". I don't want to know her, knowing I don't have this possibility. I don't know. I know other girls I don't need to have that deeper relationship, but they would never work, I know that. But loosing such a good friend is loosing a part of myself. What becomes of me? Do I loose any friends? I don't know, and it scares me.
May. 13th, 2006 @ 02:39 am
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| » She fuckin up my christmas . . . |
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Well, things have changed. Yep, they've definitely changed. As to whether it is for the better, I can't say. I like someone, yes I infact like someone. The problem being that they don't like me back, or at least not in the way I'd like. What more, they are with someone else. What more, they are my friend, which is where the big conflict comes in. I don't want to keep waiting around for this person, but I don't want to leave my friend. I can't rightly say that I'd be a good friend if I didn't concider this person's feelings. While it bothers her to know I like her(yes, I've told her), it would also bother her to not see me anymore. What more, it bothers me to think of loosing this friend. However, I'm not sure how much choice I have. I can't think rationally being so close to the problem. As well, I've found distancing myself has been a great way of getting over someone. I can't rightly try to go out with someone whith this problem. It would just be an attempt to force myself to move on. I'd still be thinking about the one I can't be with. I don't know. Who even reads this that could give me any advice. I'm just preaching to the vastness of the internet. The problem is I can't use names, as some people may wander by this space and catch something juicy. I don't much care, but others I'd rather not see hurt. Oh well, it's good therapy. I've been to a therapist in the past(yes I've been with a therapist, and I'm on depression meds, and I have anger issues, get over it), but I've never been that open with them. I'm just a closed off person. But if I'm going to open up, I'd rather go all out. I'd rather lay in someone's arms and bear my soul to them, show them my frail bones I use to fly and have them cook up battle plans to attack my demons. But I'll stop whining for you. Just don't use the information I've told you to destroy me.
May. 3rd, 2006 @ 12:40 am
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| » Because everyone likes a good quiz . . . |
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| Greed: | Medium
| | | Gluttony: | Very Low
| | | Wrath: | Very High
| | | Sloth: | Medium
| | | Envy: | High
| | | Lust: | Medium
| | | Pride: | High
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The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com
Apr. 29th, 2006 @ 10:17 pm
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rainandthunder's journal