the Notorious B.I.G.

12:22 pm: Linus week 7 cont'd: linus smiles
anyway, i probably should have spent more time with grandma, but she's getting too loud and there's too much family drama for me to contend with. all sides sound like they are at fault. i feel like i hate everyone. im happy to be away.

anyway, after grandma's, we headed to S&N's who, i had forgotten, have very loud parrots. after a long couple of travel days, and then being passed around and then not sleeping much at all anywhere, it was way too much for linus. the lady of the house put them down for the night, but it was a pretty stressful night. i mainly spent the time with linus to try to calm his nerves, and didnt have enough time to spend with these friends.

the next morning, we split for a new place to stay, at friends' house who are out of town. that worked obviously much better. we then went to maumee to spend the afternoon with refusal2comply, who has changed so much since i last saw her. i suppose we all have. i feel like that last visit was a swan song for earlier times. these long gone times were just that, long gone, but it was sort of a last hurrah, hanging out with her. of course, i crashed way earlier than everyone else, courtesy of my old beat-up body. but this time, i guess all that is too long past to even remember.

but, she seems so much happier. a little .. i dont know, not resigned exactly, but calm about the present. of course, i feel precisely the same way. i guess that's what kids do. if you get overwhelmed or dramatic or wistful, it makes having the kid harder. so you are just calm about the present, because that's the best you can do. the boys were pretty well-behaved, and we had lunch in panera! it's such a mom joint! i remember making fun of the mom lunches at carberry's in boston back in the day. exactly the same thing! in fact, im trying to hook up with a hip mama group in the NJ area. it's going to be all about mom lunches from now on.

anyway, we visited then with my aunt and uncle, who just had his jaw worked on. i always enjoy them. and then we went to a family get-together. thrown by the cousin that i was pretty mad at. i wanted to see another cousin who would be there and a few other people, so i sucked it up. she wins, i lose. whatev. she can get away with being an asshole to me, and the family doesnt mind, but if i did anything back, it would be "tearing the family apart." this is just the way things are, i dont care enough to make my case i guess. so i suck it up and accept feeling like ive been mistreated, and feel all the rage and just tuck it away. all i can do is keep all the information in mind and try to avoid any contact.

saturday we picked J up from the detroit airport. no disasters. and then we went to my cousin's wedding. which, i have to say, was a little disappointing to me, because somehow i refuse to believe my cousin is the person she is. she was my favorite cousin on my dad's side, and maybe still is. but she's shown signs for years of being different than the construct in my head. and it's not as though the person she actually is is bad at all. she's fine! but, you know, you build up expectations on a tiny bit of information, and then you forget reality. so i need to let her be her.

as to the wedding, it was a traditional princess type wedding. big gown, full church, fake castle hall with bad catering. the band was decent and live, which was better than i did. the music during the service was mostly very nice (which is like the biggest compliment you can get from me about such things).

but you know. she's 24 and marrying her high school sweetheart, after never leaving ohio for college. i sometimes have a hard time understanding people who make such different choices from me. it's really stupid.

anyway. linus had had enough by then. he was in a temper the entire time (during the reception, he was in the nursery for the wedding). so we didnt stay long, and the time we spent there, was mostly taking care of him.

sunday we spent the morning with CJ and then drove back. it wasnt too bad. the volvo is great, really comfortable, and we did the drive in two days. now we're back in NJ, and linus has decided to start sleeping from 9:30 to 3:30 rather than 1:30. so im slowly beginning to come back to life.

the smile, by the way, is an enormous lifestyle improvement.

06:21 am: Linus week 7: linus smiles
Linus learned to smile last week, just in time to visit the family and friends in ohio. he also lost his hair, just the day before, and now looks like a little accountant. a cute little accountant. (the flikr page has a few more pictures.)

J was away for the week before the trip, so mom came out and gave a bit of a hand. but there's nothing like dad to help out, so it was a bit hard on me. we drove the volvo for it's first long outing. we stopped by trader joe's where i promptly left my purse on top of the car before we left. thankfully, i'd taken my credit card and phone out first, so it wasnt totally awful. but there were a series of small mishaps along the way and i was pretty frustrated with myself. i helped drive for a few hours, and im shocked i didnt get us killed, what with how frustrated i was with myself.

ohio was ok. first day was visiting with friends i never see. always the trip home is about family obligations, so i only end up doing family stuff. we had a lovely few hours with a couple who've just moved to a lovely little spot, maybe the loveliest in the area. on then to an older woman who gave us our silver spoon, prior to linus, a spoon from the revolutionary era. she's all class. she has a duck lamp! it's awesome. her gay, manhattan-restaurant-owning son is threatening to move back to toledo, to his mother's delight, and our surprise. obviously, he won't last. manhattan doesnt have much for him anymore (he owned the paris commune), but there's a long stretch between that and ohio. the other contender is cape cod, which is probably perfect for him.

linus was a champ. until we visited great-grandma-warnock, who refuses to get new batteries for her hearing aid, and thus speaks very very loudly. he wasnt so into that, so i took him into the other room and tried to distract him from the noise.

he's up and crying now, i'll post more later.

09:06 am: Linus week 5: version 2, passover
I forgot to mention that we attended two passover suppers last weekend. he was a little difficult during the first, but in such a way as to help us figure out what we needed to make the second work. the second was in long island, and he was charming and lovely, and everyone was impressed.

seder was great. we had a good time with our friends during the first one, although i was completely distracted by trying to take care of linus. the second was also great. my folks came down for it, and they really enjoyed J's cousin and his wife and the boys. again, i was too distracted to really enjoy a focused conversation, but i know them well enough that i didnt feel obligated to prove myself, so it was good just to be around the good vibe.

my mother elicited Linus' first smile! we weren't sure that that was what it was, but he smiled again for me a few days later, so now im fairly certain that that's what it was.

this weekend we stopped by communiversity (one of the very few happenings in princeton, a street fair), and had a couple over for dinner. it took a lot of doing, but we did both. im happy that we've been able to do this stuff, though it takes a lot out of me. ive heard tell of mothers never getting out of the house and losing there ability to interact. hopefully we'll be able to avoid that.

08:51 am: Linus week 5: steps back
Not too much to report this week. we had our month check-up, which went well. he's slightly taller than average, average weight and head-size. development seems fine. he took his vaccine like a champ, crying at first and then calming down.

as predicted, this is the week that i've begun wearing down. the whole "first-month's-the-worst" thing kept me from thinking too much about any of the things that happened during the first month. and so i told myself beforehand that month+1 day would be the worst. wouldnt you know, these last few days have killed me. every time i nurse, i see the nursing chair as an electric chair, with me being strapped into this device that holds me there into forever. it hasnt helped that my lovely son, who for the past two or three weeks, has been sleeping like a champ in two long periods, has begun sleeping less long. not short periods, mind you, just less long. it turns out that sleeping for 2.5-3 hours versus 3.5-4 hours? huge difference. im not getting enough REM sleep, and i can tell, sleeping roughly the same or only just a little less time overall, but feeling much less rested.

for the first time this morning, im sitting in the nursing chair, linus nursing, me balling my eyes out. im worn down. there's nothing big to worry about, obviously; i just see this seemingly neverending period of being a vessel for my son's life. ive never been big on self-sacrifice, and now im smack in the middle of a good two years of it, and to a much lesser extent, much longer. i had this conversation with J a long time ago, when he was upset that i wasnt super thrilled about the prospect of having kids. i told him "you don't understand, you're not a woman." and that's something i never say. but this is one of the few things that is beyond discussion. i mean, obviously it's different for the woman. and i told him at the time, you get 9 months of pregnancy and even ignoring the pain and physical transformation that happens in childbirth, then you have at least another 6 months to a year of being completely focused on something that frankly, im not that into. im sure linus will be great once he starts communicating, and im sure ill come to love him. but right now, he's taken my life away from me. it's not his fault, it's the human condition. but it doesnt alter the fact.

he's amazing of course, but the positive aspects of this right now are very very limited. someday ill be happy ive done it, im guessing, but i dont believe ill ever wish this on myself. we may end up going through it again (we'd discussed having two), but i know that should we decide to, it will take all my strength to decide to put myself through this again. and like i said, that's mostly not about the labor and delivery. it's just for the lost life.

12:56 pm: Linus week 4: Linus sucks
It's been a tough week, as Linus has discovered the awesome of the pacifier and will not be appeased without it. im trying to limit it's use, but that just means he's sucking his hands all the time. I'm not sure there's any use to it, since that's the case.

(Oh, and excuse the fugly bouncy seat. We picked it up at a garage sale for nothing, and it does the trick, even if it's the ugliest thing ive ever owned.)

Despite that, he's still sleeping solidly through the night, in his bassinet, so it's hard to be too pissy about it. yesterday was the low, and today, we've actually had some awake time where he wasnt screaming. this would be horrible, but for the fact that he's almost never awake. and, i think J had a good feeding last night. he's doing the midnight shift feed with expressed milk, and there was a day or two where Linus was giving him a hard time. but i came down the other night and gave him the bottle, which seemed to let him know that no matter who was feeding him, he's getting the bottle for that feeding. that, and i think J tried some angles that worked.

on that note, J and i actually had a nice morning this morning. managed to sneak in a little nice intimate sweet time, much needed i think. im grateful that we had so much time to spend together before Linus was born. it's quite a trick being romantic now.

09:59 am: Linus Week almost 4: Stuff Linus Likes
This Naguchi painting, a wedding gift from my brother, sits in front of our changing table. For the longest time, when Linus wasnt screaming violently (he hates being changed), he would stare off in the direction of the bookshelf. After much pointing, I figured out that he was looking at this shelf.

At first I was surprised by the fact that he could seemingly see so far (the shelf is more than two feet from the table, and newborns are only supposed to see 8-12 inches in front of them). Of course, the picture is quite large, so maybe he can see further when the object is giant and contrast-y. And he could be looking at the tea-pot, which is even larger. But I like to think that he's going out of his range because he likes the pretty geometry so much.

The other two things that have really captured his attention are similarly surprisingly far away and geometrical. Our front door and the dining room lamp.

It's the first time I've really bonded in any more than the most basic way. I like what my kid likes! It's not so surprising when you think about it, but it took me aback. He's shown absolutely no interest in his toys yet, but he loves him some Japanese art.

Tonight we go for low-key fun Seder, tomorrow to Long Island for night two and what is certain to be quite a lot more over-the-top. Happy Pesach!

11:33 am: what i did for men (or boys)
there's a meme about this somewhere.

i was thinking though that less interesting than the actual contents of what i did is the fact that i got so much more vanilla as ive gotten older. so much less willing to do anything for anyone that put me out even a little. back then (back then?) i was so interested in the world and in experience that i'd have done nearly anything just to find out what it felt like. there's something a little sad but also so nice about figuring out what really works and what doesnt at all and being completely comfortable with that.

it occurred to me that i bet many on my friends list have the same experience. you were young! you were crazy! you experimented! and now you're just happy to have a) an orgasm now and then; b) a go-to drink that isnt impressive so much as _good_; c) a job that makes you happy (did i really drop out of law school? did i really _go_ to law school? seriously?); d) a dress or suit that makes you look attractive ... not sexy or crazy or artsy or whatever, just _attractive_; etc.

part of that is marriage/kids/etc. but i think it started a good long time ago. maybe as long ago as breaking up with steve. i had that moment of why did i do all this stuff? for someone who wasnt even really worth it? seriously? what was i thinking? from now on, i only do stuff that sits easy.

in other news, J is finally getting over the plague. after a week!

03:21 pm: gah!
jason may have e.g. strep. which means im single-handing it for a while. and i may get sick anyway. i swear!

12:31 pm: Linus week 2
Linus is doing well. The circumcision now looks like it should look, and he's on a fairly tight schedule, eating predictably at 3 hours on the nose. He hates changing and sprays mom and dad regularly, though we're getting better at avoiding the shower.

We took a lovely walk on Sunday, just around the campus. He road in the sling without comment, until lunch-time. I'm getting stronger and less prone to bleeding, so the nicer weather on these in-between days is making me feel a little better about being stuck home for these months. I'm still not ultra-thrilled with not sleeping, but that's to be expected. He's still reverse-timed, sleeping most of the day very peacefully and then fussing at night. but really, not all that bad. and, the big news is that he's sleeping in his bassinet, so i can actually rest for an hour and a half at a time, when he's not being fussy.

poor kid got most of my bad features, recessive chin and puffy cheeks. it's ameliorated by the cute dimple (from J's dad i think). otherwise he looks almost exactly like J's baby pictures. im not there at all. he did get my hands, which, though liney and old-lady-like, have long fingers, good for playing music, should his ear be up to it. and to my joy, he got his father's lips. you can't really see them in this picture, but they'll be full and shapely.

as to me, im recuperating. the worst of the hemorroids are over (i had no idea they'd be so bad!) and im not bleeding so much. ive started going up and down stairs, though slowly, and i can carry a little more than i was before. nursing is tough, as expected. he's got the hang of it for the most part, but the ladies hurt something fierce.

what they say about breastfeeding is true. it's the easiest diet ever! im eating everything in sight, and have managed to be 144 pounds this morning, 5 pounds from my starting weight. of course my starting weight was a little heavier than normal, but one step at a time, right? so ive lost 20 pounds in the last two weeks. crazy. im all gelatinous though, really yucky. im starting slowly, with kegels and pregnancy floor exercises. im guessing the real progress will come with walking, which i hope to do much of. after my sunday walk, i think i should be able to venture a little further and faster than i have been.

01:11 pm: Linus awake a few days later
Linus, a few days old.

01:10 pm: Linus in hospital
He likes to eat his fists. He has a great grip and strong muscles already. he'll be sitting up in no time!

12:19 pm: Linus week 1
First, thanks to everyone who sent well-wishes last week. As you can imagine, things have been pretty hectic, so if I haven't gotten back to you, I will once things calm a bit. I'm operating on a need-only basis right now. This morning was the first time I checked my email since before Linus was born.

B, you win the office pool!

It's been a tough ride since we got home. Things were looking overwhelming but good at hospital, and I had hopes (though did not believe) that everything would be _relatively_ smooth. Hah!

As I mentioned, breast-feeding was a little touch-and-go for a while. my milk came in quickly and without much pain (shocking!) but L was snacking every hour or so, and then would go hours and hours without eating. it qucikly became apparent that he had a lot of gas and could not get it out. He also went more than a day without a BM, which is like NOT OK according to people who think they know. In any event, it was clear he was very uncomfortable.

In the meantime, we found a pediatric practice but not a doctor we liked, and we just went with the guy they gave us, who was nice enough, but young and still believing of everything he learned in med school or whatever. J and i are both more comfortable with older people for such things. when the digestion thing wasnt working out, we made an emergency appointment for Monday morning. the guy we had been with wasnt available so we grabbed a name out of the air. as luck would have it, this guy was AWESOME. older, gentle hands, quiet voice, easy manor and a certain ease with natural processes and the ebb and flow of development. so that's something good that came out of it. but the night before the appointment, L turned a corner, had a BM, and seemed to get a lot more comfortable and a lot more regular feedings.

So the guy was super laid-back about it, said if we were still nervous that we could supplement with formula (only after exhausting my supply) but that he thought it would work itself out. Since we already had an appointment for wednesday, nothing else needed done.

So finally it looked like things were going to get easier. I woke on Tuesday and spent the day cleaning the house in preparation for the bris.

The bris? was great. it was hectic preparing for a party/surgical procedure on such little sleep, and there were some near misses (both grandpas were almost late as was the food), but all who came had a wonderful time, stayed long, talked through the evening, etc. the mohel was very good, working quickly and expertly, and explaining everything and giving translations as he went. i could not watch, though L was weirdly atease and did not cry at all. the entire evening of getting passed around, he was like the perfect baby. no one would believe that he had kept us awake for days. my theory is that he needs an audience. he kept us up because he would not sleep unless held. so there you are.

J decided to take most of the night tuesday so i could sleep. around 130 am linus started bleeding profusely, and messing diapers ceaselessly. i didnt see, but given what it looked like by the time i showed, it was gruesome. j felt tired and terrible. thankfully, we already had the apt so we went to the pediatrician, who sent us to a pediatric urologist in new brunswick. he was in the ER, so we went there. and there we stayed for the next 5 hours. without eating. or peeing on my end because i needed supplies to care for my own wounds. we saw the doc quickly enough, he did the thing to help L, and then we ran tests. for hours. without information about what was going on. it was terrible. and then one of the tests had a problem, so we had to run it again. and L has my sorry veins, so it took them like 45 minutes and a lot of pumping of veins in order to get it. i bowed out because the stress of everything and the sound of his crying made me unable to deal. J handled everything, thank god. a real trouper. we had to poke and poke at the staff to get our papers to leave.

good news is that the circ site looks much better.

we were so exhausted, and because of the lack of information, L had not been much fed yesterday. so we thought we were in for a long night. but J called his mother for help, nd we actually managed to have a good night.

so thing are finally finally improving. J feels more hopeful and i feel like less of a mess. i put linus in the sling today and we had a nice walk. the sling is the greatest thing ever. its how im typing right now. im still wearing the same clothes i was a week ago! but ive managed to sneak in a shower or two and a step on the scale this morning says im 15 pounds lighter than last week. these are the easy pounds of course, but it is nice to simply feel lighter. and since i only have 10 to go before im back yo PPW, it feels doable (dont worry, im eating plenty and then some, but its nice to feel like ill be able once the time comes).

thats the news. keep your fingers crossed that this pause in drama lasts.

love,
mwg

11:19 am: Linus at hospital
Linus Charles was born March 25 at 12:52 PM after three and a half hours hours of labor and delivery. He was 8 pounds 12 ounces.

after all the drama of the last few weeks, I was induced at around 9:30 ... basically they just gave me a whiff of pitocin, and within an hour I went from dilated at 3 to 10. Actually it felt like there were three levels of pain, the initial soreness prior to induction, feeling about a 7 or 8, and then 10. of course, I didn't know I was not only at 10 on the pain scale but also 10 on the dilation scale. So after about an hour, I finally broke down and asked about pain medication.

they asked if i wanted some other drug or an epidural. it was so terrible, that I was like, just give me the epidural. But it turns out, by that time, I was in transition and ready to push. one contraction later, I felt the first urge to push, the doctor was called, and a nurse took over for pushing duty.

during the course of this, because it was so fast, I overheard that they ended up only being able to get the doctor I liked least, the skinny OB. but it turns out that the laboring nurse essentially did everything up until the very last minute, and he showed up only then.

pushing by the way? not as bad as the end of contractions. really bad, but not as bad. as i had been told and had not believed, it was so hard and bad that i lost all self-consciousness about how exposed it all is. J took one leg, and the labor nurse the other. i grabbed the birthing bars under the bed and spent an hour and 15 minutes pushing. a little after the first hour, the skinny OB suggested an episiotomy. it was tempting, since ive heard mixed things about it. but i told him we should give it one more round and see how things went. three pushes later, Linus was born, and I had two or three very small tear (especially considering his size) and some abrasions.

all told though, i can't believe i had such a hippie L&D. i never saw myself as that person, but i managed and im very happy.

Linus is wonderful. we're still getting the hang of breastfeeding and he's as bull-headed as his mother (and as bullheaded as I'd assumed he'd be given the trials of the last few weeks). but he's beautiful and we're learning a lot together!

we got home yesterday afternoon and i'm exhausted but doing well.

07:39 pm: books for boys
enough of the negative!

i was thinking about books for boys. i was a bookworm of course, but as a girl, my book collection tended toward the sassy, saucy 19C girl book. maybe a bit inappropriate for many boys. any of my guy friends on here bookworms growing up? what did you read?

07:25 pm: update: better
today was long, but ended the way i'd hoped. the ultra-sound was at 11. i ate my breakfast, drank the pregnancy tea (which always gives me mild contractions), had a glass of juice and water.

we got to the appointment, and then sat in a 75 degree room for an hour. the kid, who in the car has been up and kicking, fell dead asleep. again. we go in the ultra-sound room (dark), and the lady has me laying there for another 45 minutes taking measurements and whatnot. she pokes the kid, which only succeeds in hurting me. the kid barely wakes. you can see the thought-bubble above his head.

"dude. i cant move, i cant do anything. it's warm and cozy and nothing is going on to catch my interest. STOP POKING ME, IM GOING BACK TO SLEEP NOW. unless that's a yummy glass of orange juice. it's not? good night."

we've now been at the U/S office for 2 hours. im sweating from the 75 degree heat, and J is almost asleep himself. i would be, except that i tend to hyperventilate when made to lay on my back, so that keeps me nice and aware of the poking.

the US lady leaves, and the doc comes in. she's like, fluid is a little low, but not below the critical poitn, which is normal for post-pregnancy. there's very little movement.

so we tell her that we've been there for 2 hours, and that the baby had been moving shortly before. she, in her clipped, i have more appointments voice, says, go out, have some lunch, come back, and we'll look at you again. we'll see you right away when you get back.

lunch menus: meatball sub. beef jerky. jelly doughnut. big glass of OJ. if that kid doesnt move, it really is lethargic.

we get back, they see us immediately, and within 10 minutes, the doc comes back and says movement is fine, everything is awake and kicking, fluid is above yesterday's read. all signs are go. she's talked to my OB, who says that due to the good news, we can hold off on the non-stress test until tomorrow. and then, so long as the urine test is OK, we can hold off through the weekend until Monday.

remarkable right? if this doc hadn't been paying attention to what we'd said, we'd have been induced tonight for sure. as it was, she listened, adjusted her assessment, and then we'd had a fine reading.

incidentally, she asked us what our game plan was and we told her that we were there to see if we could put off induction, and she was all, i totally understand that. and i was about this close to saying, please please please deliver my baby. ill do anything. save me!

my hunch is that the urine test tomorrow will be fine. and then we'll have to "schedule" the induction, and then we try to plead to get the mustache OB to deliver. i dont think he goes on call until the 25th, which is the day after skinny OB planned, but im hoping we can sway him by telling him that we feel most comfortable with mustache OB, because he's seen us through most of our appointments. my hope is that skinny OB is disgusted and hateful enough toward us that he'd prefer to not deliver the baby to doing it on his schedule.

in any case, assuming all goes well tomorrow, we should get at least the week. thank god. i really had no idea it would be this hard. i assumed it would be somewhat hard, but not this hard, this early.

however, thank you god for giving us a good US doctor. she totally changed the course of events for us, im fairly sure.

04:24 pm: the fight uphill begins
it's already started. not 12 hours after the expiration of my due date, i was told that i should head directly to the hospital and get induced tonight. this is what comes of:

- getting the skinny OB rather than the one who is moderately reasonable (this is the same guy who said he wouldnt wait a week to induce (more like four days), when there were _zero_ signs of anything being wrong.)

- not drinking enough water yesterday. at yesterday's appointment, my piss test was normal. today it was full of protein. this is one of the signs of preeclampsia. this is the ONLY sign i have of preeclampsia. my read? take another test tomorrow. doc's read? induce!

- having a lazy kid. he really doesnt dig moving around. not that i blame him. he's got half the amount of space that most kids do (i have a weird-shaped uterus). and my appointments yesterday and today have both been in the morning. all vitals are fine, but god forbid, he be a little lazy.

everything else is totally fine, but i had to deal with basically telling the doc to step off. obvs in a nicer way. but i hate confrontation, and it takes it out of me. im completely exhausted and stressed now. i know i am the problem mommy to them. im not sure how much of this i can handle. i WAS fairly relaxed about the whole procedure, and now im anxious. this sucks. i actually told the doc after he said we should go to hospital right away, that i wanted to discuss with J. so we went to a different room, and i totally broke down. im not miserable or anything, i think it was just a function of being already tired of this business.

so i finally got them to agree to test me tomorrow morning, to see if the piss test was an outlier. so i have to go through yet another round of stress tomorrow.

in the meantime, my worst fear is this: the kid, if left to his own devices, would probably have come next week (that's my hunch). it's going to be a struggle to get to the end of this week, to say nothing of through the weekend. if they try to induce me, i fear it will be too early to do all it needs to do to get the kid to come. so they cut me.

this is of course the real issue. the other, completely stupid issues: i dont feel quite ready (this of course won't change), and i really was hoping for an aries, not a pisces kid. most sites say the date of switch is march 21, but i believe it actually happens sometime during the day of the 20th. also, sadly, the doc on call wednesday and thursday is the doc who is most relaxed. after that we have to deal with the lady OB, who is more like the skinny OB, though not quite as aggressive, and certainly more pro about it (and i think more willing to be talked into listening). skinny OB is on call on monday. so i feel like the best i can hope for is a good friday/black saturday/easter baby. because i sure dont want to deal with the skinny OB on monday. just cross your fingers that the test looks good tomorrow, and that my hunch about the kid coming next week is wrong. as scythrop said, maybe that full moon will do it's business this week and things will work out after all.

02:44 pm: go to the mattresses
- I'm due next Monday. But there's been no progress. It's going to be a long wait, I can tell. last week met with the skinny OB in the group, who insinuated that he wouldnt even wait a week to induce. i didnt have the heart to argue. this week we met the mustachiod OB, who was a lot more calm about the whole thing. best case, the kid comes not too late; less good case, we can convince the mustached guy to hold off for a little bit.

- We were *this* close to buying a memory-foam mattress off the back of a truck, before realizing how insanely shady the whole thing was. The really amazing thing was, even though we drove three and a half hours and waited for the dude for way too long, J managed to have a good mood about it. It's one of those moments when you realize how much your attitude about something has to do with what happens. the whole thing turned into kind of a "date"!

- Saw Juno on the way home from said shady deal. It was OK. as I have os often during this pregnancy, I am SO thankful to have a devoted husband and a good life situation.

- got the hot tub set up, the one bought on craigslist for $350 (renting a birthing pool is $325-350, so we decided to buy instead). After a couple of days of J flipping out about it not working, it's up and running beautifully. I actually got in when the water was still like 82 degrees (average hot-tub is 100-104), which was cool, but it felt so nice to feel light and floaty. The last few mornings, J and I have had a sunrise hot-tub. it's been absolutely great. we have just a little part of the day to feel good and relaxed and easy.

- i hate writing thank you notes. hand cramps. i almost never read thank-you notes from other people, so it kind of feels like a waste of time.

- ive been volunteering for a politician's office this week, as though i could become any more cliche of a smithie. by working less than a week, ive got myself a recommendation. hot!

- worked the episcopal rummage sale too. the pay for a few hours work was picking up for under $20, a pack and play, a safety gate, a bunch of cloth diapers, and some vintage children's clothing for my sister-in-law's baby. score.

10:25 am: the shower
the week ended as it had begun, a miserable wretch of a thing. i called my mom 15 minutes into my commute home, and she told me that she and my cousin had accidentally locked themselves out of our house. and that they had locked the lower lock, for which we have no key.

they called the locksmith, and, $200 later (my mom picked it up, bless her) and 2 hours later, we got in.



but, after that it got better. i havent had a chance to hang out with my cousin in a while, and its always nice to remember how great she is. and my folks are a lot of fun. we all awoke early on saturday to prepare for the shower: clean the house and cook the meal and set up the decorations (!) and do house projects (my dad is the man when it comes to making things work). my cousin and mom are both ladies with an edge who somehow also love being all craftsy and stuff.

mom brought balloon animals (not baloons tied into animals but balloons in the shape of animals). i was all, way to make me feel like an inflated mammal! i thought they were pretty weird, but the little kids who came were pretty into them. they did a great job! it wasnt what i was expecting at all.

as expected though, the shower itself was mostly a normal party but with gifts. i managed to still fit (barely) into my libertine shirt-dress, so i actually got to look moderately cool for a few hours (my life is all about midtown camo during the day and a velour tracksuit at home (seriously!)). (oh and unrelatedly, the javovich-hawk line is supposed to come out at target next week. hard to tell from the pictures if it will be worth checking out.)

i think almost everyone there managed to find someone that they would enjoy talking to, and that always makes life a lot easier. i only got to talk to any one person for like 10 or 20 minutes, so i felt a little spread thin, but i was just thrilled that the party made itself, no party games required. there were a lot of babies, but all of the babies were pretty low-key. D, who just turned 3, is just now the right size for the child size rocking chair we inherited, which he seemed to enjoy quite a bit. (mom and dad also brought a wood potty-training chair, which looked like a 11C british bhrone. it's kind of awesome.)

anyway, we totally scored in the gift department. off_coloratura knitted the most beautiful set of hats, mittens and socks for me/the kid. i was resisting the cute, non-basic stuff, but this warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart. i can only say, i had a little lady who knitted me little tams when i was a kid, and so i have a soft spot for such things. and i must say. so. elegant.

mom also brought a giant bag of beautiful clothes from ecuador. this kid's going to be styling.

there were tons of other things of course. we got much of the stuff we needed and just enough cute other stuff to make me feel like im not a robot. and some of the notes attached were just so amazing. at the end of the day, i was thinking what a stark contrast it was to my wedding shower, and how grateful i am that it was.

11:59 am: ecological footprint
moving from NYC to princeton caused my ecological footprint to increase from 13 to 24 (the average american). boo.

also, mercury is finally not bending me over. this week has been all about god hating mariah. i got the consumption from that lady on the train who was coughing like a mofo and thought it was a great idea to sit next to the massively pregnant lady. i should have moved, but every time i stand up on a train for more than five minutes, i hyperventilate. now i am sick.

and that's the least of it.

10:10 am: prada bit me
i bought a lovely 40s antique nude lace dress about six months ago off of ebay. muccia it turns out was on the same tip, and showed a whole bevy of nude, black and brown versions of my dress.

fat lot of good it does me now, since it's going to be a while before i can get into it. so. inspiration. maybe a month after D-day, i'll be putting a picture of one of the prada dresses on my fridge. and starting today, no more cupcakes!

[edit] although what was up with the styling?! those models look so unpleasant and jaundiced.