Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rachierobot's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 20th, 2004
7:52 am	for a duck may be somebody's mother... at what point do people stop knowing each other? is it a matter of comfort, and then they just don't bother anymore, like there's no point in talking about daily things because you are so far beyond that? i have to think that everyone is not as a.d.d. as i am when it comes to personal relationships. i dunno, i've been trying to diagnose my behavior for years now and nothin' doin', but it seems almost like i can pinpoint exact moments in time where i physically felt myself detatching from other people. some people seem to coexist peacefully, raising kids and all that, for years and never really interact much as a couple until they are forced to when the kids leave the house. that's not what i want. i don't think that's what anybody wants. but why does that happen all the time? why isn't it ok to just spend time together, i don't think that's selfish. (then again, this doesn't seem like rocket science, but propose it to me and i get hives). as the queen of doing things backwards i can accept that what happens to me is usually going to work itself out but for the first time ever i'm not so sure. i don't even know how to deal with being a grown up and trying to act that way sometimes, but the prospect of doing that without my best friend is frightening. it's funny how you romanticize feelings and your life and then all of a sudden it becomes truth and you hate it. yeah, yeah grass is always greener and everything. crap. i can honestly say i've never felt so horrible and panicked in my whole life. but i probably shouldn't, i mean i always take care of everything and end up ok, so why should this time be any different? i'm thinking the answer has something to do with the fact that i'm not the only one controlling the outcome. how do you function after living what you projected to be the rest of your life with someone? that didn't even make sense. it's kinda like a really lame country song, and then i think, shit, is that what my whole life is about? the same story that everyone's been telling for years? am i now officially part of this huge percentage of people who just bitches about "soulmates" and "the one" and all this cliched crap? guess so. good for me. i finally did something right. er, something. i just wish i could understand how this mess works. am i that irresponsible that i let things slip and ignored other things over and over until i woke up hating myself and my situation? who does that? i cannot name this, i cannot explain this, and i really don't want to, just call me shameless...hmm... Current Mood: frizz-frazzled (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
10:15 pm	when i finally post something, it's just this piece of garbage. here's most of an email i just sent my professor. MY PROFESSOR! and i wonder why i don't socialize much. psychoanalysts, let's have a field day with this one, shall we? hey. it's rachael. a funny thing happened to me this morning, i guess you could call it an emotional rollercoaster-esque half hour in which i had to take my car to the dealership...anyway, the minute i got there, npr starts talking about the strike situation at EMU. (this is at about 6:50am by the way). so i'm already tentative about what's about to happen to my car, and this lady with coveralls and magenta lipstick walks up and asks me the mileage and isis smacking her gum super loud as a hear, "...EMU faculty...strike...today...classes..." so i don't know what to do, cause i don't want to ignore her but i want to know what's going on. then magenta lips tells me to shut off my car and step out, so i think, dammit, but do it anyway, trying to stall/listen but realizing that it probably seemed really weird to her that i didn't want to get out of my car. ANYway i was in agony so early in the morning and not knowing what was going on, but then there was a huge tv in the waiting area and this old farmer guy showed up and was watching the morning show with that mom from the partridge family at an unreasonable volume (so i couldn't read anymore, but instead had to learn about the bush twin's fashion sense), and there was some "late breaking news" about Eastern, that there was some sort of agreement reached. of course at the moment that they were going to explain something, overalls guy has a coughing fit almost in my lap and i wanted to cry. so really i still don't know what happened, but i'm about to try and find out via the "interweb" as my grandma calls it. hmmm. just realized that was the lamest story ever. somehow i always think that me in stupid situations is funny. somewhere in there was a connection to you though, and that was in the whole strike part. there. ANYway, we should hang out soon. i tried to call chris yesterday to tell him my sad saga at the surplus building trying to get an easel, but he wasn't home i guess. i don't know his schedule, but like i said tues/weds/thurs nights are all good for me. even if it's just a beer after class. i have a feeling i'm going to be desperate for social time this semester...damn the man! ok, you might be really scared at this point but i have been up since 5am, so...?! let me know if you're down for some brewskis. thanks for giving my cd back, that was awesome. hope your semester is going to be fun-tastic, or at least entertaining. time for homework. --rachie need sleepy! and...scene. Current Mood: maniacal Current Music: that frou frou song from garden state (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
4:08 pm	...i mean have you SEEN this?! topping off one of the worst days ever, just five minutes ago, was a commercial that made me want to cry and give up at the same time. has anyone seen the commercial for the american heart association with the twin boys talking about heart defects? OH MY GOD. mostly i was nurturing my self loathing by thinking about how i've been feeling sorry for myself all day because i got the first C on anything since the 7th grade, i have $3.00 in my bank account, and i found out that if i want to student teach in art i have to take an extra semester...and then this cute little boy who can't be more than 8 years old is explaining to me throug the miracle of television, that a "heart defect means that your heart isn't like everyone else's," and his twin brother chimes in about how his brother is "very brave." hi, have we met? i'm an ungrateful little shit who can never focus on the good things in life, like, oh, say, having a FUNCTIONING HEART. man. anyway, the good news is this sulky-eyed pouty act i've been incubating has helped me develop a concept for my next piece of work, and i think it might be dope (if i can pull myself up off the couch long enough to start it...) so thanks, cute little twins who probably are more mature than i am, for kicking me in the butt a little bit just like i needed. MESSAGE! Current Mood: emerging from non-existant Current Music: honestly/secretly, it's that ashley simpson song...argghhh. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
2:09 pm	anarchy, corporate style today was relatively fun at work. of course, a usual day at b&n makes me want to kill small animals with my bare hands while wearing a loin cloth and carrying a club. but today was alright, i even ignored the fact that #1 hater/"oh no" girl was trying to kill me with v-carts and boxcutters... i unpacked a box of "world globes" (as an aside, what the hell else kind of "globes" are there? USA-globes? Europe-globes? do we really need to say, "world globes?!") and there were only 4 in there but the box was huge (perverts, rinse your mind with soap and water) anyways, i put it over my head and proceeded to order steve to pass me a boxcutter through the packing-tape sealed crack on the top. i then proceeded to cut out gangsta-head and -hand holes, and stick said body parts through them while yelling, "eeeeeeh! i can't get out of my own box!" maybe you had to be there. but then the funniest part was when we heard the code for the door and i panicked and all i could do was fall down so i would be "undetected" in the box (nevermind that there were holes in the side and it was in the middle of the receiving floor)...anyways, it turned out to be one of our managers coming in but he's cool, so i got up. then he asked to try on the box, but he probably outweighs me by 150lbs, so you can imagine the hilarity that ensued. it was kinda like fat guy in a little coat, only more funny because it was cardboard and it just bent in a few spots but remained pretty rigid. sweet. then i laughed so hard i almost peed myself. maybe none of this is funny if you don't know anyone involved, or maybe it's just not that funny. but i promised steve i would write a post with him in it. and i thought it was funny so BACK OFF. i'm out! Current Mood: drunkypoo (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
6:19 am	and i eat men like air will i ever stop trying to cycle through things, i mean, am i going to keep making the same mistakes and the same degenerative choices forever? they had to call and call and pick the worms off me like sticky pearls. Current Mood: boney (Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
11:01 am	everybody's hugging i have to stop drinking. when i do that, all hell breaks loose. i don't even want to get into it, i just wanted to say that i have to stop. isn't that the first step? Current Mood: hungover, still (Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
3:53 pm	a confession/why best buy is a bastard. part 1: the subject so i got the DVD version of "swing kids" for christmas from brian. for those of you who don't know, swing kids is secretly one of my favorite movies because it brings together two of my favorite things: dancing and drama. the premise: 1939 nazi germany, where the underground swing movement is slowly being stomped out by the gestapo. our heros, the "swing kids," deal with the harshness of nazi-ism and the threat of swing-extinction hand in hand. overall, the movie plays like an after-school special set during WWII. but the dancing is awesome (i'm a sucker for musicals) AND my (he doesn't know it yet) boyfriend Christian Bale is in it. so therefore, whether i am ready to admit it or not, swing kids has become one of my favorite feel-sorry-for-myself movies. part 2: background info the copy i got for christmas turned out to be a duplicate copy. when my sometimes douche-y ex-roomate, jeff lived with us, he constantly would make fun of the movie and then me for watching it. one day it disappeared, and i blamed brian and jeff for hiding/throwing it away to spite me. it never resurfaced. SO, in an effort to show some love, brian replaced it. he didn't know that i had already taken it upon myself to repace it 6 months earlier. part 3: the climax finally today i got around to taking the DVD back to best buy. i knew it was from there, beacuse there was still part of a damn yellow tag on the front that read "Bes" and had a dollar sign showing. so i went to the sevice counter smiling and said that i wanted to return a gift for a store credit. the girl said i couldn't. she didn't tell me why that was, but just basically said no. if there was ever anyone more sympathetic to stupid corporate rules and policies, it's me. but don't just say no like it's your decision, tell me why you don't want to take back this DVD that i'm sure was only $6.99 in the first place. so i urged her on to find out that they don't take ANY RETURNS WITHOUT A RECIEPT. not even for exchange or store credit. what typs of shit is THAT? i mean, it obviously came from there, and i want to use this value and probably more of my money for buying something else in your goddam corporate warehouse, so why in god's name won't you give me a store credit? i am feeling really betrayed somehow. she basically told me that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING i could do as far as returning this thing. way to go, best buy, you're really culling some customer loyalty with your shitty service and policies. i guess i shouldn't be shocked, though. maybe i'll just return it to B&N... Current Mood: poopy Current Music: juliana hatfield: nirvana (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
10:12 am	ballroom blitz i don't really have anything to write. just want to jam out to ballroom blitz. in fact i'm not really rachael. i'm a monkey she hired to go to class for her. little does she know i've been looking up internet porn in the computer lab all day. SUCK IT, rachael! eeek eeeeeek. -the monkey Current Mood: flea-ridden (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
11:33 am	centipede aaaaaaaall-night long. school's out, for five days. in that time i plan to wile out and listen to lots of willy nelson. and probably visit frankenmuth. my birthday was pretty uneventful, i think in the back of my head i was convincing myself that someone was throwing me a surprise party, so it was kind of a let down when it didn't happen... oh well. i did get some sweet loot from some great friends so i shouldn't complain. i have to clean my room now. last night jess' organizational prowess inspired me to get my shit together. that was before our OUTRAGEOUS road trip to shelby, wooooooo! ok, seriously. Current Mood: absolutely beautiful Current Music: captain funkaho, my 2600 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
10:11 am	sometimes it's just better to be the grown-up besides the times i was teaching and used "because I'M the grown-up!" as the justification for why we had to do things, i am starting to think that being a grown-up about things is the way to go. recently i have been trying to release anger and grudges that i've been harboring, you know, to try and improve my general outlook. and for the most part it's working. but it's also scary. i think that some people, when you announce to them that you're "not angry anymore" think that you (the psycho) are done being mad, and everything can go back to normal. so of course you can see how this would be frightening for someone like me who has had it with people who treat other people like crap. (that last sentence reminded me of the skit on SNL with maya rudolf and rachel dratch where rachel is sheldon and they are broadcasting a middle school news show...) BUT i am trying to be a more accepting person, as i realize that some people can't move outside themselves to see that they are this way. wow, this has become one huge pathetic rant. oh well, i guess i need it right now. so sorry if youre' reading this and thinking "blah blah blah, rae rae!" i can't help it. my point is, in the end i am feeling better in general. things don't depress me as much when i don't expect so much out of a person, or situation. so does this mean i am punking out? is it a cop out to not care so much anymore, or is a good thing to not care so much about douche-y mofos? hmmm...the philosophical questions i develop are breathtaking... ok, i think i've done enought damage here for one day. i am also hoping that the people that i like that are cool realize how much they mean to me. on a final note, tim (and anyone else i've done this to, for that matter), i am sorry that i don't look you in the eyes sometimes when i'm talking. the truth is, i hardly ever look anyone in the eyes. it makes me feel weird, sometimes like my soul is leaving my body and sometimes like eye sex. so, please don't take it personally, i'm just a social idiot. big ups to shayna for coming back into my life! I'M OUT, BEEEEATCHES! Current Mood: profuse Current Music: i don't do crowds: camera obscura (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 27th, 2004
3:40 pm	dooowwwwwwwnnnn-ttoooowwwwwwwwnnnnn. school is giving it to me like never before. i've taken to eating only spicy noodles and drinking chocolate milk. i want something good to happen in my life. i read an article from a medical journal from 1904 where they trained boy scouts to "hunt" mosquitos as a solution to an infestation. does anyone else see how that's wrong, and a little bit like the baker street boys?! still waiting for that good thing... Current Mood: circumstantial Current Music: cibo matto: "sci-fi wasabi" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
5:45 pm	drinking and talking jibberish not only are these two things that i am good at, they are also two things that i will be doing tonight, for the first time in a long time, wooooo-wheeeee! last week i went to brad's birthday party, which, by the time i got out of class, consisted of going to sticks and participating in some of the craziest kareoke i have ever seen. by now i forgotten most of the details, but stained into my memory are brad's rendition of "jack and diane," his friend doing "ironman" and then rachel p. and i doing "summer nights" from grease, where i--of course--played the role of the one and only john travolta. it was amazing, and i'm not just talking about the interpretive dance moves we did while we were performing. the whole night was fun-tastic, and damn cheap. oh and i forgot how we also did a sing-a-long style version of "wanted dead or alive" (where i threw up gang signs and yelled, "WAAAANN-TEEEEEEED!" (dead or alive). classic. now, if they could just combine dance dance revolution with kareoke i would be in heaven. i have been going to this putt-putt/batting cages/arcade place which has just recently acquired dance dance revolution and this game is addictive. the only drawback is that they don't give you bonus points for sweet moves you invent on your own. so this is where my life is at. like conan o'brien says, i'm sorry i kept my 8 fans waiting for so long (i guess in my case that would be more like 2) but i'm back, beeeeattches! (bitches do too care) i'm OUT. Current Mood: funkdafied Current Music: kareoke ended before i could do "gin & juice"... (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
11:40 am	blah. remember snarf from thudercats? well that's how i feel, like i'm always screwing up when my friends (owners?) are just trying to fight crime and make the forest a safer place for half-human/half-felines. and i'm clearly all animal (no human component), i just know how to talk so somehow THAT makes me acceptable... Current Mood: furry (but matted) Current Music: puh-puh-puh-pony (a little ditty i'm writing for jess' album (Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
9:09 pm	why do bookbots suddenly appear... well, not like anyone knows or cares but i got a huge community art project proposal approved today and i'm feeling pretty friggin fantastic about it. looks like all those hours with those meddling kids finally paid off...er, something. yeah well keep your eyes on the downtown firehydrants the next time you're in ann arbor, that's all i have to say. actually, don't go until after may 15th because they won't be done, but after that, GO, DARNIT! and behold the majesty that will be 3 fire hydrants paying homage to M.C. Escher (hmmm), Georgia O'Keefe (yeah, yeah) and MY PERSONAL FAVORITE/OBSESSION, Chuck Close. plus the kids worked really hard most of the time and i might even go so far as to say i am proud. besides that and having to hand in my UNIT (pretty sure only jess is going to appreciate that in both senses of the word) along with the-as you can imagine-separation anxiety that goes along with handing in one's unit, i have very little to show of my existance from the last three months. lets hope next semester will prove more productive, as i sit in classrooms and sweat (i originally typed "sweaR" by accident--that also would fit here) because at eastern the buildings always think it's the opposite season and crank the heat in the summer, blast vents in winter. also in the good news department, my sister will be graduating on may 16th from high school. way to go, little rugrat! (i told you you were smarter than me!) which also means going-home-time for me...booyah. i leave you with a little quote from a gerald stern interview, that is both totally unrelated to this post and irrationally interesting: "...yes, in this case, a dead animal which has become immortal because now it's turned into all these birds. that animal still lives in the "twittering" you hear as you go by. it's a victory, a joyous victory. but it may be incorrect technically and, again, therefore a form of sentimentality: the animal is a dead animal." Current Mood: absolutely fabulous Current Music: orishas, "a lo cubano" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 10th, 2004
1:37 pm	matte medium doesn't leave streaks. i finally went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind the other day. too bad it was thursday night before good friday and it was "high school night" at the theater. remind me to never go try and enjoy a movie again when there's idiot high schoolers making out and laughing at shit that's not funny. oh, and talking in their cell phones for the first 10 minutes of the movie. i finally turned to the person next to me and asked, "are we at a movie theater? i wasn't sure, because i thought maybe i was in the gym lobby before lunch our or something. oh, we're in a public place trying to watch a movie? ok thanks, that's what i thought." and then glared at these two mini-hookers sitting down the aisle from me in my best i'm-older-than-you-ho look i could muster. the movie itself was awesome. charlie kaufman i love you. the cinematography was sick, to the point where the movie could have been about the relationship between a foot and an anteater and i still would have been crying from pure aesthetic bliss by the end. i just tuned out the unwarranted laughter and idiotic comments and it was like it was just me and the screen. and i was happy. then i went home and had a psychotic why-can't-my-life-be-that-beautiful internal monologue and cried some more. but that's more a symptom of my questioning of life direction than anything else. the next day was better. i think that in the end the movie made me happier, i mean to realize how much shit goes on on a regular basis, and know that genius like that still emerges is enough for me. friday morning was AMAZING. jess and i made up an entire musical to stevie wonder songs before open, and then had a dancefest/dance off to end all others. i switched it up with a little slam-dance/spaz-out/running man/flailing a-la-andrew w.k. to sleater-kinney, and i'm pretty sure it made this cool chick chrissy piss herself. that alone might have been enough, but we kept going. i was shelving and singing simultaneously in a flurry of gay/lesbian non-fiction and books on weapons of war, while she belted out "danger! i think we're in danger!" classic. then right before we opened i had to let brett, the conductor of the b&n hater train, that he was the prime minister of hate after i asked him, "what do you know about THIS?" and flung my arms out wildly as i let my feet succumb to the beat that was dancing in my heart. (he replied with, "don't you have a car to shelve?" yep, that's brett. but the day went well, aside from the hateration that was going on. oh, and for the record, kate winslet, you can't wear TANK TOPS at barnes and noble! and you better not be leaving your PDT lying around the store, or it's your ass...oh and ALSO, who the hell gets to SIT DOWN at the info desk? not this bitch. but other than that i felt the angst that she experienced working there, and that shit was DEAD ON. congrats, "clementine," you are a true b&n employee. ok, so i gotta go get ready for work. if there's anyone out there who feels like freaking out, i recommend spazing out to your favorite CD, or not even your favorite CD, maybe just one that makes you bounce, it's a good workout and gives your ass that sharp kick it might subconsciously be needing. oh yeah and keep it real. homies. word. ps-i downloaded the entire stripped album and i'm not embarrassed to say so, i do it up! shoot! (that was for you, jess!) Current Mood: swashbuckle-liscious Current Music: method man, judgement day (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 4th, 2004
12:04 am	would you like to try my rollercoaster? it's extra salty! why these ups and downs? why the instant switch from extreme spastic-osity to manic depression? why bother? i'll tell you why. i'm getting old. old and not knowing what to do about it. i realized today that somehow i've missed a serious part of my teenage years and now i am trying to make up for it by acting completely assinine and then also it's snowing. fuckin snow. hmmmm... i have made a new sweet friend and if i do say so myself he's a lot like me, and that makes me feel good. but then there's that part about feeling bad when you ca't talk, cause you don't want them to think you're a total stalker...well, not yet. i'm sure it'll be fine... anyways, i am going to watch some infomercials, i hope there is that one for the nail decorating pens that's my favorite. a wise man once said, if you ever drop your keys into a sea of molten lava, forget 'em, cause man, they're gone. one. Current Mood: sasparilla (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
12:11 pm	i mean we rock...like super hard thinking about going to the home and garden expo in novi tomorrow instead of doing homework. plus, i have a cowboy hat i been wanting to try out. i made a fire hydrant out of a two liter, some paper towel tubes, HOT glue and plaster gauze. i then decided that i am AWESOME. then i made brian take a picture of me next to it, so it will live on forever in the minds and eyes of everyone who sees it. next i will paint it. it will be awesome. i am hungry and need a coney. ROCK HARD. Current Mood: hungeeeeeeee Current Music: oh fortuna (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
12:17 am	i think my epidermis is showing again. i came to the conclusion tonight that i am slowly but generically losing my mind. so i went to my professor/friend's reception show last night at the ann arbor art center with my friend shayna, and i really ho-ed it up. i mean, short shirt and biker boots ho-style. yeah. oh well. then i wondered why his wife was glaring at me the whole time while i talked to him...hmmm...who's got two thumbs and is mentally unstable? THIS GUY! anyways, then shayna and i got there late and went straight for the "snack" table where all there was to eat was dried apricots and about 6 bottles of wine with about a quarter inch of liquid left in them. oh yeah and some nuts. of course, i had to say REALLY loud, "LOOK PUPPEH (i call shayna puppeh...long story), THEY GOT NUTS!" dammit. and then guess who was the center of attention? yup, me. sweet. so then we just poured all the wine into one glass and split it like a couple of damn hobos. but it was cool. then we just went to my apartment where i insisted that we watch CENTER STAGE, which is one of my secret favorite movies. then i felt sick and shayna went home and i was lonely. and that was it. i mean really, nothing exciting, nothing "good." just lonely and sick. oh well. now it is past midnight and i am writing this sad thing for no one and everyone to read. dammit. i need some strawberry milk...mommeeeeeee... (sorry everyone, i promise next time it'll be better) on a happier note, here's some words of wisdom i heard the other day: "life's hard when you live in a garbage can and have a syringe lodged in your head" Current Mood: pearlescent Current Music: tori tori tori tori tori tori tori (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 21st, 2004
1:38 pm	eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeee-oh. today i am a hollow shriveled void. but here's something that i didn't write...let's pretend i did: i have to remember everything, keep track of blades of grass, the threads of the untidy event, and the houses, inch by inch, the long lines of the railway, the textured face of pain. if i should get one rosebush wrong and confuse night with a hare, or even if one whole wall has crumbled in my memory, i have to make the air again, steam, the earth, leaves, hair and bricks as well, the thorns which pierced me, the speed of the escape. take pity on the poet. i was always quick to forget and in those hands of mine grasped only the intangible and unrelated things, which could only be compared by being non-existent. the smoke was like an aroma, the aroma like a smoke, the skin of a sleeping body which woke to my kisses; but do not ask me the date or the name of what i dreamed-- i cannot measure the road which may have had no country, or that truth which changed, which the day perhaps subdued to become a wandering light liek a firefly in the dark. Current Mood: regular Current Music: los super seven: un lunes por la manana (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
12:12 am	another day another dollar crap. during work today all i could think was, "they're made from potato n' skins that're real, new tato-skins from keebler, baked potato appeal!" over and over again in my head. it made interactions with cusotmers really weird. then i told my whole life story to david j in music instead of reshelving books. crap. where did my life go? Current Mood: semi-porous Current Music: dr. john boxed set, dammit (2 Comments |Comment on this)