a rare public post in my journal to tell the world that katie is an amazing cook... last nite she made a no-chicken chicken pot pie and mashed potatoes.. .all from scratch... fucking amazing... if ever there was a keeper she is definitely it...

so im listening to the plain white ts again... i miss going to shows at the wheaton community center... those were definitely good times...

so i just wanted everyone to know that this is now going to be a friend;s only journal, mostly because i do not want anymore of the drama that has been going on inside this thing... i really dont need any of this crap to have any other negative reprocussions in my life... this is my place to vent and lately it has become an open forum to post fights... no more... its really not fair to anyone, myself included to let this stuff keep going on... goodnite...

in this house, this street, [west of] chicago... katie and i had the fight to end all fights last nite... things i now know... i'm a worthless lazy bum, i need to get a job (not so katie stops being angry at me but for me to be "happy"), and that i no longer have to wear my facade around sarah, next time i see her she's getting an earfull... and oh yeah my birthday is tomorrow, what a way to go into it huh?... happy fucking birthday dustin...

well this is what's new... i'm moving again soon, since there was a shooting on halloween and our neighbour is a psycho that freaks out about our bathroom fan... it would seem that all the program boarders do in fact hate me and it would also seem that they never needed me in the first place... vice city is hilarious and the matrix game (enter the matrix) is coming out in may, too bad its not today cause since i read the article in game informer its all that i really want to play... *drool* matrix mmm.... i had surger a couple of weeks ago and am just now starting to get around and able to do things... i dont see any of the friends that i want to see and the friends i do see i just want to ring their necks... nobody calls, nobody cares...

i'd say that they are on the lines of being reocurring dreams, but they are not the same dream everynite, they're all slighty different... so yeah, its going on over a week now that i've been having them and i feel more and more guilty about it everytime... argh... all i want is to be able to sleep without waking up and whispering to myself under my breath "fuck not again"... so in this last dream, she and i kissed in our hotel room in new york... this is especially not good in the sense that i've always had this way of dreaming things that happen... so the mission is to be preoccupied with all things anime this weekend (including the cowboy bebop movie, knockin' on heavan's door, that i bought our tickets for today ^_^)... ugh... need sleep that doesn't involve dreaming... ugh... so tired... physically and of dreaming... and this song makes me think about her way to much, but i really like and am glad i bought this cd...

and i care not to say why... well maybe i do... of course i do, why the hell else would i be sitting here and writing... but onto less pressing issues; the bad news: i only shot a half roll of film today... the good news: i shot a half roll of film today!!... oh and the other bad news... awkawardity... the more pressing issues... so yeah today was me, katie, and mandy shopping in the city... and yay!! mandy is going to go to new york with me for the big apple anime expo!! woohoo!! but that should be awkward, too, just like every other anime related event with the two of us... so anywayz, i really miss hanging out with her all the time, those were the glory days, forget bruce springsteing... back when i lived in her basement for a weekend (about 4 days) cause i got kicked out of my house and both of us liked each other but neither said a word... we found out the truth months later... many months... i wanted to shoot myself, or at least build a time machine and shoot my former self... so we're downtown and katie goes to buy something to only have her card declined, even though she has a bunch of money in her account, so she starts to get all pouty and wants the world to feel sorry for her which i did of course, cause i care and all but she does go a bit overboard sometimes and yeah it does get on my nerves... fuck it all to hell.. so yeah i just wanted to hang out with mandy then and i did... and now that i think about it, it was her that i was following around in stores and her that i told about things that i wanted to buy... so i have no fucking idea what to do anymore... oh and yeah, katie got me tell her about my dreams last nite... so i could totally tell she was nervous about me hanging out with mandy today... fun fun.. and she got real quiet when i said that i was lending mandy the money so that she can go to NY with me, even though she already knew that i was going to... argh... what to do what to do... oh and i just remembered that i have to be at new student orientations tomorrow morning... wanna smoke...

damn it all to hell... i just found out that my favourite band is going to be playing a show on oct 31st... halloween... but i have to be in grand rapids that day to go to stupid naca, which isnt all that stupid, actually its a lot of fun, but damnit, i'd much rather go to see my band play than hang out with program board people... grr... and these dreams and feelings need to stop... on a completley unrelated note... i've been having dreams about mandy for about a week now and its driving me crazy... i'm in a very happy relationship with katie, whom i love a lot, but yeah, i dunno, but these dreams better stop soon cause i'm going crazy. and i wish i didnt feel so jealous about mandy and diego whenever i see the two of them... its just that diego has done something that i could never do: get to mandy and do something about it... fuck... grr... i just really needed to get that out in the open cause i'm going fucking insane... if i'm not already there... ok back to office work... oh and any of my friends that reas this and know both of them, please DO NOT say ANYTHING to either of them, k?... cause if you do, it means death...

please let something exciting happen soon... please!!... i'm sitting here in the office alone, as usual... i've gotten a bunkch of work done... faxed the offer to alkaline trio (since chuck couldn't cause he had the wrong fax #... grr...)... eMailed a couple of agents on availabilities... now i'm just here alone, listening to music, worrying about my ear cause it feels wet and my inner ear feels clogged... the wetness is probably just normal discharge, and the cloggedness is most likely my allergies cause this is my bad season, and yes the rag weed is poppong up all over the place now so that means i can basically give up on breathing... so umm, yeah... i did get my ear pierced on friday, but only in the left lobe twice, cause i felt like i was gonna throw up after the second one, but i already paid for the third one so i have to go back and get it... possibly in a couple of weeks... i'm gonna wear an ear plug so i don't hear the tearing sound... so anywayz, i'll write more later (about warped tour and stuff)... i'm not alone anymore, but i don't particularly like this person's company...

alrighty... i just finished cleaning my room!! woot!! now i can have my tickets... hehehe... i through out so much garbage... i'm a pig... oink... and i almost coughed up one of my lungs... i'm allergic to dust, so leaning is actually havardous to my health... well, lets see whats leaft on my list to do today... thats right... pierce my ear!! double woot!! now to decide if i want to get all three in my one ear at once or hold off and just get one in my lobe and in my cartilidge... decisions decisions...

here's what happened to me today... band practice first thing... we have the basic structure of two songs done, i just need to woek on getting the lyrics and music synched up and thats about it for that... we got plenty done, but it doesnt really feel like it... then i went and got money from the bank so that i can my ear pierced tonite (yippee...or maybe ouch...) then on the way out i held the door sor some lady and she called e a real gentleman... hehe... that just about made my day... now i have to gp clean my room so that i can have my warped tour tickets that my parents bought for me... then after that i get to go get my ear done... yay... tata for now...

stupid fucking bank... all i needed to do was pull some money out of my account so that i could go get my ear pierced tonite, but no, the lobby was closed and they wouldn't let me do the transaction through the window... "thats a lobby transaction"... fuck you, its all the same computer system...argh!!... its not like they were even busy either, i was the only one there wanting to do business... fuckers... now i can either write a check and cash it at the currency exchange or wait till tomorrow... but i want them done tonite -_-... fuck... so most likely its wait till tomorrow... grr...

ouchy ouchy... i'm getting the biggest migraine in the world right now and katie is spose to come over in half an hour... oh yeah , forgot to mention that the two of worked everything out over the course of three hours the other nite after i wrote my last post... so i think i'm gonna have to break plans with her again... i did this yesterday cause i made plans with her and completely forgot that i had already made plans with melissa to go to becky's party and dinner in the city... so yeah, hopefully she doesnt get too pissed off at me, but i know that this one is going to go a way with excedrin, so that means its gonna have to be the big guns... the evil barbituates that are sposed to be very addictive that just so happen to knock me out and put me in a daze for a couple of days... daze for days... hilarious... well not really if you have to live it... so umm, yeah, i'm expecting her to get kinda upset, but shes gonna have to deal cause this pain is fo'real yo... ok, maybe i should stop cause this migraine seems to be messing with thought patterns now... ugh...

joe is now on my permanant hate list... straight to the top... what a fucking asshole... when you tell something to someone in confidence it is expected that they will NOT say anything to anyone else... especially when it does not concern you at all... so tonite we're all over at katy g's house again and i fucking had to be there with joe and i knew befre i leadt the house that i didnt want to hang out alone with him and his brother so i took my own car... so while we're there katie comes by and this is the first timei had seen her in a couple of days, taking a much needed break... the asshole (aka joe) fucking tells katie all the shit that i had told him about the problems that the two of us were having and yeah, once again, here comes the drama... the fucker had no rite to say anything to her... the problems are our responsibility to deal with absolutely none of his... fuck you joe!!... so the ass has the nerve to tell me that i need to talk to her... well no fucking duh asswipe!! maybe i would have had you not interfered... ARGH!! so once again katie goes stomping away and i am so pissed off at joe that i'm swearing at im and telling him to shut the fuck up and i get in my car and speed home... now i dont know what to say to anyone but i want to fucking die... what a FUCKING ASSHOLE!!... and can i talk to any of my friends? no, they're either sleeping, stoned/tripping, or just plain not around... i'm leaving this godforsake hell non real existance and i am so never fucking coming back... fuck it all... die...

i just sounded like a complete fool when i called alkaline trio's booking agent... i was all shaky sounding... fuck me... but on the brighter side of things they might be available for date i want to book them for... so its good news but i'm a loser...

i'm so fucked in the head its sad... it truly fucking is... i know for a fact that i love katie... but i also am pretty sure that i'm not going to be with her for the rest of my life... whats the big deal about that you say... i don't know... it just feels weird to be around her and i just don't think i'm happy... and to make things worse i have a crush on one of my friends... does that tell me something right there... whenever i hang out with her i can't stop flirting with her... ugh what am i doing... fuck me... i have the worst fucking life ever... and now i can't even try to break up with katie, just because of the fact that she is terrified that i am going to... the other nite we're hanging over at katy g's house and then we go back to her house and she starts bawling because she thinks that i am going to break up with her right then and there.. fuck... fuck fuck fuck... so basically i'm trapped again... FUCK!! so umm yeah... tonite was the first time in a while that i havent spent time with katie, actually i havent seen her all day, not since last nite at jeff's house... i went out with katy g, ryan, and melissa to frank's house to watch a movie... we rented Donnie Darko... such a fucking good movie... oh my... so on the way to blockbuster all i did was flirt with katy and it was pretty obvious... ruby probably noticed and she'll know for sure once she reads this in the next couple of days... yeup, then the spreading starts... do i want everyone to know?... i don't know, maybe subconciously i do... maybe the fact that i just said that admits that desire... but what the fuck do i know?... i don't want to break katie's heart again, especially now that we got back together... she's a really bad breaker upper too... so i'm dreading having to go through with that again... i need to get out of here... leave fucking town for good... turn away and never look back... maybe i will go to washington with katy in the fall... but i'll probably wait till after the fall quarter is over... ok, i'm gonna stop ranting now and go play some more of zone of the enders... goodnite...

i've been in the same mood for almost a week now... almost as long as i've had this stomach ache... everything around me doesnt seem to be real... i feel like i'm stuck in a dream that i can't wake up from... and i desperately want to wake up, but i can't... i need to... i need to find something that is real... maybe i need to leave this place... maybe thats whats making me dream this awful dream...

here's the exciting new of today... item #1... Despite James is going to have their first practice this saturday at old man woerle's house!! yeup dJ is gonna be the best band ever... indeed (now if ryyan is still alive after last nite, i just have to get him to call britnee and things will be good... so lets hope he is still kicking) ... item #2... it was just announced to the world that the original english dub cast of Cowboy Bebop has been kept for the movie which is premiering august 20th in ny... hell yes... life is good today, my friends, life is good...

so i finally made the lead from PSX to Playstation 2... woohoo!! i made the transition on friday before my parents leaft for hawaii, my mom gave me a new game, Yu-Gi-Oh: Forbidden Memories, which is a psx game, but as it would happen, there was a mod-chip detector prog on the disc so it wouldn't play on my modified console... fuckers... so i convinced my mom that now was the time to upgrade, so i used a quick jedi mind trick , got her to borrow me the money and off to best buy i went... then on saturday it was a quick trip over to the mall for a memory card and the most kick assest game ever... Devil May Cry... i'm pretty close to beating it on easy, so i might be restarting on normal sometime today... maybe... and last nite i became completely addicted to Yu-Gi-Oh... i played that for hours on end until it was three am last nite... my new strategy is to win a ton of star chips and then import in some hugely strong cards (ie my machine dragon ^_^) so i can womp the hell out anyone in the game... mwahahahaha...

yeup... katie and i worked everything out... the nite before the dashboard show she ad i talked online till three thirty in the morning (thus killing my sleep schedule again)... so we're back together now, which is really good cause being without her didnt make me feel any better about myself, mostly i just felt worse... so we went to the show together... it wasnt the best dashboard set i'd seen, but i was glad to have seen him, even if he was forever away (stupid fucking world)... and after the show, i spent the nite over at katie's (this was also after the three hour drive home in which we got lost up the wazoo)... it definitely felt good to have her back in my arms... so umm yeah... things are good again... and hpefully this time we'll make it stay that way...