| Purging. |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|04:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Up, down and all around. | ] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | You are the God and the weight of her world. | ] |
Here's a nice batch of stuff I wrote over a period of a year or so. Lots of different things.....Enjoy.
I wrote this when I read about a hate crime that a really young boy (11 yrs. old i think) killed his class mate. Made me so sad.
Humanity?
The conditions of the world are hard to go by,
there's a lot of death----look at this life---
don't tell me to be less of who I am,
don't make me feel less than hu-man,
because you decided to laugh at my expense.
What makes me any different than you?
I have a heart, a soul...I bleed when I am cut,
and the wound expands every-time a person like you....
throws their poison on me yet, again.
There are babies dying---
their mama's are crying----
forgot to lock up dad's gun.
The bullets were used, to enhance this abuse....
WHEN WILL YOU EVER BE DONE?
So fragile is this fleeting ride,
that a mere five seconds can create unparralelled demise.
You think you could have done more,
You question it with time,
but time is gone in all you left,
for what you wagered was that life.
This next one is a song.
Cocaine and Cigarettes
I'm 5 steps away from Jesus,
2 steps away from Co-caine-
Lying to you tonight,
I'm tellin you I'm okay.
I've got one hand on the bible,
The other is flickin a cigarette-
and I don't know...
which way I'm going yet.
It's about 4 a.m. before I turn off the pain,
I'm wonderin how to stop this train,
don't know where I'm goin...
and don't know how far I've been.
Tryin to be righteous,
but I'm full of sin...
how do I contain my demons within?
I'm 5 steps away from Jesus,
2 steps away from Co-caine-
Lying to you tonight,
I'm tellin you I'm okay.
I've got one hand on the bible,
The other is flickin a cigarette-
and I don't know...
which way I'm going yet.
Somehow my life turned into a whirlwind-
sometimes I just wait for it all to end,
-don't know where I'm going and don't know how far I've been-
Didn't seem like much till it was too late,
didn't seem like much till it was the same,
now I'm left with all this damn hate...
who am I to blame?
5 steps away from Jesus,
2 steps away from Co-caine-
Lying to you tonight,
I'm tellin you I'm okay.
I've got one hand on the bible,
The other is flickin a cigarette-
and I don't know...
which way I'm going yet.
No, I don't know....
which way I'm goin yet.
Last Night Of Love
Undress me baby-
wash me before I go on the road.
When I wake up tomorrow--
I'll be a free bird,
but I'll never forget the feelin,
of your soul.
Touch me baby-
let me stay before the goodbye...
and I'll smother you with that word,
while we make love...
and I cry.
Kiss me baby-
let me feel that sweet rush.
Hold me hunny,
I needed this so much.
Shatter my world baby-
with the scent of no more.
Tell me it was fun while it lasted...
and walk me to that door.
Lay me down gentley-
Onto that unknown path,
I'll carry myself as far as my wings will last.
Making sure to not look back....
as you walk into my past.
Friends
A laugh, tear, fun, love, trust, anger, good times, bad times-
partner in crime-
conscience.
A call in the night-
a sharing of life.
Who needs friends?
I do.
But it's not always easy.
Until He's Here
I want to look into your big brown eyes-
see something I've yet to see in the world.
I feel as though I've missed out...
on something wonderful.
But at the same time,
I haven't missed anything...
for I've been here all along.
Why is it that people can be so amazingly happy...
while pulchritudes cry in disguise?
How is it that you are kisses upon romances away...
and I have yet to accept this?
An unconditional love is what I try so hard to instill...
into their hearts-
but not a one has yet to understan this-
me.
I wait and wonder...
where are you in this world?
If this-
you-
exist.
-If-you-will-accept-
the unconditional gift...
and without hesistation-
present
me with the same.
Repair my damaged soul (love me past my pain).
While we grow in one and let me forget...
the omnipresence of aloneness.
-Only you and I-
could create the euphoria where I dream.
Until then I wait...
for the last first kiss-
until and beyond my dying day.
This is next one is a song, too.
Middle
How did we get here in the rain,
how did you cause me so much pain?
When we're together we're apart,
is this time for the finish to start?
I miss the nights when we made love,
and more so the times when we made up....
after a long and hard fight,
for what we believed.
But more than anything,
I miss you and me.
There were some times when love got old,
but there was always room for us to grow,
into whatever we wanted to be.
I miss you and me....
I miss the stars in the sky,
I miss the why do you cry?
I miss the holding hands-
the what are our plans?
Just look at what you see.
I miss the laughing late at night,
how you'd make me feel alright.
The touches and your eyes--
and....
the last word of goodbye.
And more than anything....
I'll miss you and me.
Because we weren't meant to be.
I'll Be Seeing You.
You're not losing me this way,
I'm going to be with Jesus today.
I'm not saying it won't hurt--
but please don't cry too much,
I'm doing his work.
So many things you wish we'd done,
you wanted to say....
but time came undone.
I hear you saying,
you've lost your best friend-
your love, your own life...
it's come to an end.
But darlin don't be so harsh,
and so sad...
I'm standing by you,
holdin your hand.
You're not losing me this way-
I'm just going with Jesus today.
I'm not saying it won't hurt...
but please don't cry too much.
I'm doin the Lord's work.
I see you slipping away from him-
you're so angry and you're hurtin,
there's just no way to win.
But here I lay-
beside you now...
feel me with you.
Someway, Somehow.
God needed me-
to watch over you...
so don't cry too much,
I'll be seein you soon. |
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| It was good while it lasted. |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|12:54 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The corner, lol. | ] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | content | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Who are you? Who who who who. | ] |
I haven't written on here in a long time. I was reading past entries and it's insane.
Lots of crazy times on this page. I write more for my personal care than anything else, which means it's completely off pc....
haha. You don't get to see it.
Anyway. Looking back on all of my writing, I remember what I was doing, how I felt...who it was written about, to...or for.
That's why I love writing. You can try to interperet what someone is writing about....but only they really know. It rocks.
So chip chip cheerio and all that jazz. I think I might be leaving this thing for good and closing down shop....
Love. |
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| Oh, Ollie. |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|04:51 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | *Deep inside I hope you feel it too....* | ] |
I'm so giddy right now.
I just hope he feels the same way too....ear to ear grin.
Fab-u-lous. |
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| Beautiful. |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|05:19 pm] |
The eels. Great band. Here's the lyrics for the song, "I'm going to stop pretending". Totally what he should be telling me. But he knows.
I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear
And I'm a little too late, about three or four years
And it may not make much sense now that we are apart
But I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart
You see I never thought enough of myself to realise
That losing me could mean something like the tears in your eyes
And I wanna tell you I'm sorry, and it's too late to start
But I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart
And it's Christmas Eve, years down the line
Sitting here wishing I'd treated you better when you were mine
And I have no way of knowing where you are
But I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart
I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't know what I was doing
But I know what I've done |
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| Razorblades and Cocaine.....Ruthless |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|10:40 pm] |
Razorblades and Cocaine
I need to quit slicing into the wound.
I know this....
But I like to see the blood dripping from the mark he created.
It beckons memories that drift on the crimson liquid floating down the drain....
life ceases to exist between the tiles of hopelessness.
Just tears with an arrhythmic air.
Lost.......
what is to be found?
Ruthless
If only....she thinks.
With two letters seperating the
F (g) (h) from I......
the questionS she wonderS have answerS that could not be.....foreverS.
She was once diluted in thought....
ignorance a cocktail she held so dearly to her lips.
Until the very taste turned into poison.
Murdered in the muddled glass.
He walks free with no guilt....
but his S-E-L-F-I-S-H deeds will torment his soul forever.
Case.
Closed. |
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| It's been a while.... |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|12:35 am] |
Right now it's late into the morning. Kinda wish it was raining, cause it's nice to hear the rain fall late at night, the sound the rain makes splashing on the roof lulls me to sleep.
Today I had my first serious bout with withdrawls from painkillers. I don't know what's going to happen when I'm finally off of all of them for good. They calm me down quite a bit, put me into a comotose like state, I'm frickin fried outta my gourd most of the day. Most of the time it is better than living in reality, because right now the real world ain't so bright. But it's all in how you look at it...I guess....
A lot of people in my life have always come to me telling me that they admire me for dealing with hard situations in a graceful manner. They tell me that they've never seen someone as optomistic and hopeful as I am. But I wasn't born this way. Credit is due to the people in my life who helped me view life this way.
Like my mom. She is a pillar of strength if I've ever seen one. She has defeated so much in her life and overcome great obstacles to be where she is today. And to be honest, she deserves a hell of a lot better than what she has been given. For reasons unbeknownced to me, it just seems like she never gets to be okay. There's always something else in life making her struggle a bit more than the prior obstacle, like she can't have a break. I admire my mom so much for giving me the courage to view things in a bright light. Anytime I have been down, she has been the one picking me up and encouraging me to look at life with sunshine beaming down. I am grateful for my momma. I love you.
My little sister is also a backbone. She has overcome so much in her little life. She has been diagnosed with many different health problems...and this week she is climbing another hurdle for herself. I don't know why she has to go through these things. I don't know why any kid would have to go through these things. It's unfathomable to imagine life without her. It's like no matter how bad it is, whatever happens, she always has a smile at the end of the day. Always. It's like nothing can take her happiness that she has created for herself away. She is an incredible spirit....and the coolest kid you could ever know.
The older I get, the more I learn.
I don't know why my Uncle is dying. I don't know why he was stricken with ALS. I don't know why anyone has the diseases they have or the obstacles they face. Maybe it's because God is trying to make you a stronger person, a better individual. I do not know. Maybe it's God's way of testing people. I do not know.
My problems seem so small and misicule when I look at the big picture. But I also feel for everyone I love. I wish things could be better for everyone in my family and I don't know why they are not. I just know, that no matter how much I mess up, they all have my back.
No matter what happens, they are here for me and I love that, I love them.
And right now all I can do is pray. For acceptance. For hope. For healing. For forgiveness.
For people.
Especially the ones I love.... |
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| oOoOoOoOoOCirclesOoOoOoOoOo |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|09:37 pm] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | P.Y.T PRETTY YOUNG THANG! | ] |
She picks a delicate bloom from the tendons of the trunk's root.
As she gazes into this once living being,
she has just brought the grim reaper's gloom upon the beauty of the earth.
And yet she rejoices at the passing of this existance,
for what she holds is only aesthetic to her eyes.
But in the form of irony,
and not priority to her mind,
is that in the year's end of her life,
the current grace bestowed upon her....
will come to collect its dues.
And in this,
she will become the ashes...
to the trunk's root...
helping the tendon's she once killed....
GROW.
OoOoOoOoOoO~"Without God, life is a vicious cycle"~OoOoOoOoOoO |
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| Pictures!!!! |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | My baby takes the morning train..... | ] |
Let's freeze time...shall we?
For the moments you look at me,
for giving me that something to believe...
let's freeze time.
For every kiss that I feel upon my lips,
and every caress of my hips,
let's freeze time.
For lying in your arms at night,
and feeling the world is alright,
let's freeze time.
For the laughter we share,
and the burdens we help one another bear,
let's freeze time.
The morning with your smiling face,
the feeling of your warm embrace,
let's freeze time.
The happiness that I feel,
and the knowledge of for you I will-
let's freeze time.
For every time you hold my hand,
every time beside you I stand-
can we freeze time?
The memories that I keep,
held so...so dear to me-
the feeling of no longer you and me-
-but we-
are frozen in time-
with this picture of
-yours and mine.-
I love pictures so much because for that one second,
I have the ability to freeze time.
When I go back and look,
I transcend into that moment of shutter...
and remember it once again.
My pictures are the stories of my life-
the good and the bad-
the happy and the not so happy.
I can see the natural progression of my life in my pictures...
and that, to me, is why pictures are sacred,
and hold pure, raw, beauty. |
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| Chaotic Sheep |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|11:38 pm] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Half the man I used to be... | ] |
Takin time...
wondering what's mine-
where am I?
In a world so bleak,
my tears,
my tears...
my tears....
they fall like rain,
when did I become so weak?
I don't want to be-
just another-just another-
SHEEP.
Following the crowd,
never breakin free.
Gotta get away,
want to run away...
the pavement feels so good...
on my face.
Mind set never ceases to drain-
when did my house...
become another's name??
I want to believe-
KNOW that what I think I can retrieve-
isn't just whimsical fantasy.
The pain shed-
missing the programmed thoughts,
wondering how I can be in redudant chaos. |
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| Humph |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|01:51 pm] |
For a long time now I've just wanted to cry,
Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault,
even I can't grasp the concept why.
Maybe, I've been unhappy for quite some time.
And it's not you....at all.
You've been where I am...
and I appreciate every step you take holding my hand...
helping me through it. |
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| Meet CharCole |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
Although Moshie and I may be the only ones that understand this mumbo-jumbo (yes, I said mumbo-jumbo), this is writing at it's best to me.
He wrote me this....
Bonnie,
Stars do fall, but so do satellites.
Eric Clapton was always English.
English is important, but dammit so is math.
Interesting is too vague.
No, I don't want to sit and watch the last credit.
Good Times. Great Country. Not this one.
Yeah, umm, I want the left side of the menu.
Obsessed with MySpace much?
Under achiever...you're better than that.
Most don't know you require a helmet.
Azalea's...No, No, Japanese Orchids, that's right.
K, It's what every kiss begins with, or lip gloss.
Eventually, we will escape Fayettenam.
Stop watching me sleep, psycho.
My taco flavored kisses taste like steak, mmm.
Young, so so young. And I'm old, so so old.
Donkey Shows, Mexico's Finest Entertainment.
A phone Call goes a long way with you, literally.
Yes, this is ridiculously long, strangely familiar.
Baby Tigers at the zoo were pissed at you.
Ringtones, www.3gupload.com, get there, fast.
Incredibly small caves are hard to be scared in.
Good luck on your finals, baby.
Happy Unknown Holiday. (Sweetest Day)
Tilly Willy: Home to the Squidbillies.
Even Mary is cold in this house.
Red Hoodie, what Red Hoodie?.
Sincerely,
Clyde
PS Think of that Tombstone, Goth Girl
And I replied with this....
My Clyde, my Hunny, my Moshie....
Yeah, uh, I forgot something...again.
Only for you, Hunny!
Unusually freezing cold rooms.
Movie watchers is an understatement.
Age ain't nothin but a number.
Knife salesmen at 3 a.m.
Eyeball pokeage, ew, thaaat's nasssty.
Meat and potatoes,
Everytime I remember you, I thank my God.
A Simple Man,
Biscuits are great, with plum jelly.
Eh, I asked for a peanut butter shake, didn't I?
This is my serious face!
The lake sunsets are beautiful,
Especially with you.
Renting from you is great, Blockbuster.
Peach tea, please!
Eventually, we will escape...and I can't wait.
Rest assured, no more throat coat.
Smells like puppies oughta smell...
Our mutual friend, Tom.
Nice guys finish first, in my heart. :o)
Yours Truly,
xoxoxoxo
Bonnie, Baby Girl
These all have hidden meanings, if you can figure it out, let me know. Have fun. |
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| Totality |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|01:22 am] |
Look at you....
with your big brown eyes...
and that half smile that melts me...
You've taken my heart,
to what extent I don't think you understand.
I part the strands falling in your face...
and I feel the rest of myself lingering with you.
I've waited so long for you...
to feel the warmth of my twin soul.
And now that I have it...
I don't know how I ever lived without this.
Your scent lingers within my memory...
and when I smell that familiar smell...
my heart skips a beat.
You lift me up,
You give me hope...
You help me explore...
these things which I had no clue existed.
the likeness you give transcends any physical formality.
And the most beautiful thing about all of it...
is that no one will ever feel what you and I feel together.
Because since we are one in the same...
there is no way we could duplicate this sacred union.
For the first time in my life...
I am who I want to be...
when I'm with you. |
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| I had a bad day.... |
[Sep. 8th, 2005|11:23 am] |
Wake me when september ends...
So I'm not too impressed with the beginning of September and ending of August. I just got a splinter in my thumb and got kicked off of this in the middle of a blog post...all of which was erased. That is how my week has been...obscene.
I was in the car on the way to school today and heard Green Day's When September Ends....and I was totally on par with it. It was SO RIGHT....thanks music company conglomerates for playing on my emotions like that...but I'm still not buying the CD!
So, I got my car stuck inbetween 2 SUV's in a U of A parking area the other day. A tow truck had to move one of the illegally parked SUV's so I could get out. It was absolutley marvelous, impressive and insane. I still can't believe it happened....my car was sooo stuck, I took a ton of pics, it was impressive. People park illegally and I have to pay a tow truck so I can move my car. Injustice damn it.
After almost running over Moshie in my car @ the WAC parking lot, I had to bust ass. Running all the way up dickson in crazy ass heat blows, especially running to a class you hate. I'm also so happy that I run into people driving everywhere on campus and no one offers to give me a lift up the street. I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, damn it. Roll that beautiful bean footage....
So then I was in Math, contemplating taking my test...when I decided hey, I'll do it...get it out of the way. Then, I realized my student ID was back in my car at WAC. Someone in heaven is mad at me.
I walked from my math class, back down to wac...and then back up. Took my test...and I actually made a decent grade...I got one problem wrong...because I forgot a negative sign. Bastards!
The remote today was absolutley frickin hot on mission and crossover. A random drunk guy gave me a stuffed dinosaur...(don't ask....) and I burned up in the heat...I must've drank a gallon of water when I got home. Then, after the remote I went to the mall till close and talked to all the ladies of Lane...frickin awesome old women that work there. Good times.
*Revisions....* Okay, I'll expand more on the drunk dude. So this guy is with his girlfriend/wife/whatever and he's walking into Harps...smoking a cigarette. When he started talking I was like WHOA! Dude! Quit smoking now...save your voice box if you still can. Guys voice was a raspy mah faucker. He starts telling Ike and I that he's going inside to get some painkillers and then down those with whiskey...which is what he smelled like. He came out with a stuffed dinosaur he got from the claw machine...and he comes up to me, asks me my name...I tell him...and he walks off. His wife or what not stops by me in the car...and he reaches out to hand me the dinosaur. Really sweet gesture from an insane dude. Good times.
I was told today by someone that they could never view me as being old...and they could never ever see me as a mother. That hurt....but that's been my week...blaa.
On top of everything, this whole New Orleans/Hurricane Katrina thing is so depressing. I've been watching the news and just crying because I can't believe the devastation going on there. It's terrible. And then I feel even worse because my prob's are so miniscule compared to these people's that I shouldn't even be bitching. To anyone affected by this, God Bless you and Keep you. :o) This too shall pass.
I really wanted to go out tonight and let loose a bit but couldn't because I was exhausted...and homework. I'm hoping the weekend will be a bit better....but really I'm not planning on it. This is so unlike me to be so down and out...and I wish someone could just totally cheer me up and take it all away...but I guess some weeks are madatory to suck, just so you appreciate the good ones.
Have fun. *muah* |
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| Ho hum hum |
[Aug. 28th, 2005|11:27 pm] |
|
I'm really tired right now and I'll change this later...but I just have to say I had one of the most amazingly beautiful weekends on earth. It was great. *sigh* Fabulous....thanks moshie. :o) *muah* |
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| Lost Memories.... |
[Aug. 11th, 2005|03:10 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*And I'll never be that same again....*~ | ] |
I've been trying to shake this feeling of being numb for so long, I forgot when it started and I'm wondering when it will stop....if it will ever stop.
I promised myself nothing new, just stick to myself...and I'd be fine. But then it happened....and it's been great, but I still don't know if it's the right decision. No one needs to be thrown into my crazy chaotic life without a pre warning. I feel like I'm being cheated...but more so cheating.
I miss the feeling of being able to soak in the world around me with such aroma and flavor that I never wanted it to stop. I don't know why it did stop though....maybe because it hurt when it would stop and I decided that not hurting would be better...or maybe it's because I'm older...a bit wiser. But wouldn't that make it a perfect duo? Being wiser makes you retract what you think and feel like the venemous bite of a king cobra attacking its prey.
Then again, the hurt is what made the better so great. I would understand what it felt like not to be hurt...and understand 10 fold what it felt to be hurt. So...when I wasn't hurting, I was that much happier. I want to believe it's real, I do...so much. It just seems that if I fall forever and a day...my feelings will always surpass the latter.
Am I building myself up for a beautiful let down or a beautiful mistake? Or am I really truly feeling something genuine and complete. None the less the prior or after...this huge void in my life is gone, but with it comes many insecurities. Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough?
I wish I could feel reassurance in these areas of lacking, but apparently the hint hasn't been taken. I just want to be happy right now, because before I wasn't happy...and now I have a chance.
And I'm hoping that my mind, body...and soul is willing to jump into that chance. Oh God, just let me let go of that cliff. I'd rather feel 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.
*Char ramblings @ 3 a.m....mindless chatter that only I understand, it's all in code...haha. Sorry guys...can anyone ever relate to me anyway?!* |
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| Ah, to be young |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*Take my hand and forever can begin*~ | ] |
So I wrote these entries in my xanga almost a year ago...I thought they were cool, enjoy.
The more I look around myself, the more I realize....
the rush everyone is in.
It's like we're all wanting to hurry up and get to a point in life that will come with patience, but we want to be there now.....to put down that memory, to get it over with, and to experiance it.
There are a few birthdays in life that one celebrates with anticipation....
13th-Teenagerdom
16th-Driving...
18th-Smoke, Vote, Drink in other countries
21st-The mac daddy of them all...you can drink in the USA.
So basically from the time you're 13...you're thinking about how one step closer you are to 16...and then 16 to 18...and the three long years that await you from 18 to 21...all you can think about is, damn it, I wish I were 21.
But what after that? I meet people all the time, oh I'm 22, 24, 25, 27....29....it just goes up from there.....and soon drinking gets old, your boyfriend turns into your husband and gets old, and eventually you too get old.
So why the rush just so you can buy a rum and coke at Dickson St. Theater?
I won't lie, I mean...I miss being able to go to the clubs and drink to my hearts.....err....livers content. Mexico was awesome, I really want to go back...but if I had to chose to live in Mexico or wait till I was 21....the US is def. the better choice. I wouldn't give up my country for anything.
So we deal...and we still wish we were 21.
But we're so young.....we should just have fun. I've realized the irony of the world....time is so prized because once a second is gone...you can't gain it back. And yet....we still wish it was tomorrow already....or yesterday again....
funny.
AnywhoOo...just know that you will never be young like this on earth again. Enjoy it while it lasts.....and take in every moment that you can.
And then one day...when you're old.....you can look back at the memories and wish you were 18 again.
Life is full of ironies.
*Rule number 798 in the book of youth~you don't pick people up at clubs*
This year off from school thing is interesting. It's really opening me up to new experiances and limits. Working with people who are much older than me and wiser has definantley broadened my horizens.
I've realized that the things I do now...I'm not going to be able to do within the next 10 years. I'm not going to be able to stay up all night and still go, drink every guy at a party under the table, smoke whatever, dance till 2 a.m., and have this much vitality and energy.
I'm not going to be single forever.....and that's probably going to be the biggest adjustment. I mean, when I'm out having a girls night out, it's fun to get the guy's stares and the cat calls. One day...that's going to stop. One day...
I'm going to be buying hemmoroid creame and prune juice instead of MAC and prada bags.
One day...I'll have kids....and once you have kids...there's no more you. You sacrifice everything for them...and they end up being just like you when you were young, ungrateful.
Seeing all of this stuff is really opening my eyes to how much I should enjoy life as it is right now. I'm young, the imperfections I see in the mirror are miniscule to the ones others have, I don't have kids....and I'm loving life.
I've been going out a lot more now and doing things that I never got to do before. Let me get my tattoos and piercings and wear skimpy clothes and dance provacatively....because one day I won't be able to anymore....but at least I'll have the chance to say...
Been there, done that...and it was AWESOME.
Live life to the fullest, seriously, because one day....life will be different, but for now....it's amazing. |
|
|
| I love this... |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|03:42 pm] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*Strands in your eyes that color them wonderful*~ | ] |
I'm in the mood for sweet sappiness. :o)
1 . Tell her she is beautiful, not hot.
2 . Hold her hand at any moment even if it just for a second.
3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5 . Always tell her how beautiful she is, no matter what she's wearing.
6 . When she is upset hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
7 . Recognize the small things . . . THEY USUALLY MEAN THE MOST!
8 . Call her baby
9 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
10 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
11 . Write her notes. {she loves them}
12 . Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
13 . Play with her hair.
14 . Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.
15 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
16 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.
17 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.
18 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
19 . Carve your names into a tree.
20 . If she's mad at you, apologize because SHE is always right.
21 . CUDDLE
22 . Bring her flowers just because.
23 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.
24 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
25 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
26 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.
27 . Kiss her in the rain.
28 . If your in love with her . . . tell her
29. Give her hugs from behind
30. When standing, wrap your arms around her. |
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|
| Just Because |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|02:20 pm] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*I like birds...*~ | ] |
I write...obviously. I love to write. I write a lot for a purpose, like an angry poem or a sappy one or a stupid one, just to get my emotions out and on paper. But when I'm not writing for a purpose, I'm writing just because. And usually the just because turns into a piece of writing that is meant for someone, although I, the author, don't even know for whom the piece was written.
But then...life happens....
and I meet someone who seems to be the person I've been writing about for so long and yet I never knew he existed.
So I question how it could be possible that I've been writing about this person without knowing him...and then I realize I must've known him if I've been writing about him for so long. I guess that your heart, your soul....your being can know before you can even begin to understand.
I feel like I've been writing all this stuff, for him...just because my heart knew. I believe there are people you will meet in life who you already know in some senses, just because. I believe there are things you will do in life that you knew you'd do eventually, just because. And there are things in life you will realize even though you already knew, just because.
I believe all of this, just because.....it's happened to me. I love life. |
|
|
| *~Japn Jewhoosifed!~* |
[May. 28th, 2005|02:49 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*Guess I gotta keep onto it, these are my confessions*~ | ] |
I've been writing a lot more off the PC than on the PC...so again, here are just some random writings I've been doing over the past month or so. The first entry is one of my fav's just because it makes people laugh and it's a true story...ah...gotta <3 being stupid sometimes! It actually got me through some crazy ass turbulence...haha. Enjoy and have fun!
May 14, 2005 Flight 709
On the way to Mexico,
it's my birthday today,
On the way to Mexico,
I flew upon a plane,
I sat next to a Jap and Jew-
an odd combination it may seem
but both seemed to smell pretty clean.
So I'm on my way to Mexico...
flying high in the sky-
can't wait for hot latin boys-my-
oh my!
So I'm on my way to Mexico-
a man just dropped his Dr. Pepper-
it landed on my arm-
inconsiderate mother fucker!
So I'm on my way to Mexico-
want to see a donkey show-
either way I'm going like whoa!
Cuz I'm on my way to Mexico.
*Onto more serious selections of writing...*
March 15, 2005
Questions....
Take everything you want-
strip me from all I have-
I carry no such front-
although yours is iron clad.
What can I say-
the words you don't speak-
like I took your breath away-
worried it's too deep.
Scars flow coarsley from your chest,
but I'm not what she was,
I could have given you the best.
Blind to such stimulation,
You only see with your eyes,
ignore my implications,
left with the question-
WHY?
~Sometimes I feel like no one will ever understand me fully, because I don't even understand myself~
March 10, 2005
Simply Complex
The inate complexities that surround me,
are broken down by my soul.
One by one I begin to see-
emotions rising from burning coal-
this fire that exists within-
is burning so brightly-
but how do I begin..
to show-
when only I can see?
Honest Lies
When you hugged me, it felt so real-
that I lingered a few seconds more than I should have.
When you looked in my eyes-
I saw the happiness I let you borrow from me.
Under the moonlight that one night-
there was a moment of beauty-
please tell me you felt it too-
and if you didn't feel a thing...
LIE TO ME!
I'd rather be ignorant for a while longer-
just to have experianced you more.
LIE TO ME!
The only way I'll be okay.
LIE TO ME!
I can't sleep without thinking about what you're doing-
I can't breathe knowing that my exhaled air won't be accompanied with your warm air.
What are you doing tonight?
Am I in a dream?
Ease this pain-
please-
wake me up soon...
I may forget to breathe.
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<blaa [...] basketcase!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I've been writing a lot more off the PC than on the PC...so again, here are just some random writings I've been doing over the past month or so. The first entry is one of my fav's just because it makes people laugh and it's a true story...ah...gotta <3 being stupid sometimes! It actually got me through some crazy ass turbulence...haha. Enjoy and have fun!
May 14, 2005 Flight 709
On the way to Mexico,
it's my birthday today,
On the way to Mexico,
I flew upon a plane,
I sat next to a Jap and Jew-
an odd combination it may seem
but both seemed to smell pretty clean.
So I'm on my way to Mexico...
flying high in the sky-
can't wait for hot latin boys-my-
oh my!
So I'm on my way to Mexico-
a man just dropped his Dr. Pepper-
it landed on my arm-
inconsiderate mother fucker!
So I'm on my way to Mexico-
want to see a donkey show-
either way I'm going like whoa!
Cuz I'm on my way to Mexico.
*Onto more serious selections of writing...*
March 15, 2005
Questions....
Take everything you want-
strip me from all I have-
I carry no such front-
although yours is iron clad.
What can I say-
the words you don't speak-
like I took your breath away-
worried it's too deep.
Scars flow coarsley from your chest,
but I'm not what she was,
I could have given you the best.
Blind to such stimulation,
You only see with your eyes,
ignore my implications,
left with the question-
WHY?
~Sometimes I feel like no one will ever understand me fully, because I don't even understand myself~
March 10, 2005
Simply Complex
The inate complexities that surround me,
are broken down by my soul.
One by one I begin to see-
emotions rising from burning coal-
this fire that exists within-
is burning so brightly-
but how do I begin..
to show-
when only I can see?
Honest Lies
When you hugged me, it felt so real-
that I lingered a few seconds more than I should have.
When you looked in my eyes-
I saw the happiness I let you borrow from me.
Under the moonlight that one night-
there was a moment of beauty-
please tell me you felt it too-
and if you didn't feel a thing...
LIE TO ME!
I'd rather be ignorant for a while longer-
just to have experianced you more.
LIE TO ME!
The only way I'll be okay.
LIE TO ME!
I can't sleep without thinking about what you're doing-
I can't breathe knowing that my exhaled air won't be accompanied with your warm air.
What are you doing tonight?
Am I in a dream?
Ease this pain-
please-
wake me up soon...
I may forget to breathe.
<Blaa I don't want to be such a basketcase!>
Little Woman
Fly away to my own world-
take me back,
I'm just a little girl-
I'm not ready for this-
I keep telling myself-
but I know it's time.
(Only time will tell...how ironic...only time will heal what I felt)
^Gave me your promise, wasn't strong enough-bent it down breakable LOVE.^
I've been crying for so long-
that I forgot why-
was it the chance we had-
that you let slip by?
Was it the beginning of something beautiful-
that you let go bad-
these tears I cry are not for myself-
they're for you and your sleepless life-
the price you pay for wealth.
Did it sabotage a potential relationship,
when you decided to reach down...
UNZIP-
baby ooh baby-
you said you wanted me-
but did you ever need?
HOW CAN SOMEONE SO WELL KNOWN-BE SO ALONE?
Ball N Chain
Where does reality begin-
my dreams are seepin in-
can't let it take hold-
this fantasy untold.
So lost in my own view-
waiting for the right cue...
it never comes.
Maybe there is none?
But how can that be-
questions won't cease eternally-
I'm not convinced-
nor am I releived of the ball of pain-
that has become me. |
|
|
| Just be. |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|01:30 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | ~*Now that we are all alone, I want you 2 sex me...sex me*~ | ] |
This is a myriad of writing I've jotted down real quick...or just felt like saying. Enjoy.
Hey lover how you doin...
haven't heard from you in a long time...
hey pretty baby what's your name again...
I wish that you were mine.
Hey lover....I don't need you, I just want for the night.
Call it stupididty but I've been lonely for a while.
Sometimes, I think closing your eyes and actually feeling what's going on around you...instead of watching....is the best thing possible you could ever do for your memory.
Confused
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
Would you quit telling me to let go....my head knows I can't hang on, but the next time you tell me, explain it to my heart...because it just doesn't understand.
Char Tries
I try to be as spontaneous as possible because a.) You only live once b.) I'm young, dumb...and invincible and c.) When I get older, my memories will have to entertain me and everyone else in the nursing home.
Dilligent is she who waits on time.....the beautiful release. But time wastes not on giving her...nothing that lets her cease. And so...again and over she feels the ticking of the clock....yet again she lays patient....and on and on it goes...just for that moment, that wonderful second....of this beautiful release.
I mean, I know, logically I know he is an asshole. But there's something about him that just gets me.....I love his voice, his laugh, our jokes, messing with him, everything about him I like....his stupid glasses and his dumb ass polo nerd shirts. I love love love them. But he's just....a straight up asshole who can't manage to grow up. So...to numb his own unhappiness, he will drink or do worse...night after night after night....and it will be a neverending spiral of decay because happiness was laid on a silver platter for him to feast on, but he was hungry for another kind. Oh how naiive one could be.
If only could I tell you...
how much I hate you for what you did.
But damn baby it felt so good,
I let you, even though I once forbid.
My mind is now wasted,
the thoughts are draining out,
if only I hadn't tasted,
that poison from your mouth.
A night for two in the bedroom,
doesn't change a lonely afternoon.
i want to see him so badly, I want to hug him and have him hold me. I need to feel his breath in synche with mine, I need him to look into my eyes. I want to feel his hand against mine, I need him now....please hear me.
See me for who I am...
don't let the picture decieve.
Unravel what you can...
with all your heart, love me.
The smell of sweet crystalline poison protruded from her lips crevice....
what once was, is now nevermore. |
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