| Luke 11:17 |
|
|
| 05:38am 22/10/2006 |
| |
|
music: Tori Amos - Mother Revolution
|
But he, knowing their thoughts, said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house against a house falleth. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Appologies are just words. |
|
|
| 01:54pm 16/01/2006 |
| |
|
mood: lost music: Jenny Wilson - Summer Time The Roughest Time
|
Where the heart and the mind conflict, I'm losing my balance. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Relying on Illusions. |
|
|
| 03:47am 18/08/2005 |
| |
|
music: Travis - Love Will Come Through
|
I need someone to mend these broken wings, to clean up the fragments of my mind. I need some sort of internal mechanism which detaches me from my obvious need for pain. I hate being a masochist, but I don't think I know how to function otherwise. Somewhere between an unhealthy addiction to illusions and a constant craving for pain, exist what I desperately claim to call a life.
My self induced solitude chips away at my own stability, but would I really betray myself in such a way if I allowed myself attachment? I need stability, and I need help with it. I need a place to break down, or someone to help me up when I fall. I need to out grow my own stubbornness and not try to control other people's lives. I need support, without fear or judgment, I need a friend.
There are only soo many unanswered prayers such frailty can take. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:53am 31/05/2005 |
| |
Initializing Gehrin Device: Encephalon Protection Error
A fatal exception Error has occurred at address seele in VXD (EPR) + address data/images/03-12-2005.jpg (01) + 6952348 device 1912: service 6841. The current application will be terminated immediantly.
04/01/2005 11:22pm 4.00.9547 165,057 Lieba.vxd Windows XP SP 2
03/26/2000 02:06am 4.00.1116 185,922 Lieba.vxd Windows XP SP 2
03/12/2005 02:37pm 4.10.2001 185,926 Lieba.vxd Windows 98 SE
03/11/2005 09:16pm 4.10.2223 185,926 Lieba.vxd Windows 98 SE
Fatal Error: 0028:C18344A4 in VXD (EPR) + 00009854 0028:C022E451 in VXD TODT(07) + 00002365 0028:C004D86F
DEVICE=C:\Windows\System\Israfil.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System\Schicksal.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System\Verdandi.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System\GeistFahren.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System\Lieba.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System\Hoffnung.vxd missing!
DEVICE= C:\Windows\System32\Israfil.vxd missing!
Press any key to terminate the current application.
Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart your computer.
Press your thumb in your eye socket to turn off your brain.
You will lose any unsaved information in any and all applications.
Press any key to continue... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| This is not a recipe for angel food cake..... |
|
|
| 12:44am 21/03/2005 |
| |
|
mood: tired music: Audioslave - Shadow on the Sun
|
I believe in the personification of the inanimate, and that I should meditate when the time is right. This is the method of my life, the metanoia of the time spent wasted and alone. Constantly wanting more, but failing to vocalize or strive far enough to ever achieve these grand illusions. Except a corn of wheat fall unto the ground, and die to bring us life. My dearest Hadaly, you are the kindling of the spark within me. Siete la speranza e l'angelo di rilievo.
-Mon Autre Battement De Coeur-
And it is from there,
from behind that brilliant light,
that shown the thoughts of my soul,
the cabaret of my heart's delight.
And it is from the depths,
that spawns my greatest and my darkest,
that slips the scales of fish and weight,
to allow harmony due contest.
And it is from my mind,
daemons that leave this fool undecided;
yet the sum of those devices
remains thusly quite divided.
And it is while we see
through the look in each other's eyes,
that beats the pain in my chest,
where my other heart lies. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Some Sort of Distorted Redemption |
|
|
| 02:14am 24/12/2004 |
| |
|
mood: desolute music: Olive - Smile
|
The chasm of my broken heart grows ever deeper and the only substance capable of filling this void is the reach of my insecurities. I know not how to quiet that dull throbbing, nor how to quell the insolent voices of doubt and hope which echo through the abyss's state.
How do I satiate the hunger for something greater than I am to ever be? How do I find the courage to understand the limitations of this flesh? How can I ever convince myself that I am adequate, at the feet of such great pillars?
I'm in love with this habit, this easy cycle of pain, but I'm sick of history repeating itself. The ebb and flow of moon bound tides can not wash away the stain of this place, and yet I beg for them to. I bathe in sin, as sloth and other indolent behaviorisms become a safe haven for my troubled mind. There is no stillness to this rhythm, but I seek to find an end to its pattern. To destroy this cycle of weakness and excuse, to give way to a freedom of choice, feeling, and love....
Why do I get so caught up on the sounds which make up a name? So much so that I dare not repeat them aloud in public company, for fear of some sort of superstitious retribution. "The mystery of Anastasia Romanov and the words of a youthful 21st century visionary" my current complacent replacements for the names of my mind's obsession.
Echoes screaming little lessons of history, desperately hoping that I find some use from Mankind's abundance of mistakes. And yet still I trek on, fulfilling my own prophecies and trying to make everyone else so comfortable with their pains. Missing opportunities and passing out pieces of what I so greatly crave, self torturing masochism before stale eyes and last chances. I know what I have to do, but I know that I won't do it.
And so I continue on, amusing myself with the bad habits I created to protect myself from the real world.
This is nothing more than some kind of distorted redemption, another test I'm prepared to fail. this is nothing more than a tortured history lesson, and another opportunity for me to take my poison well. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Discussions Over Tea: Entry 002 |
|
|
| 11:12pm 01/12/2004 |
| |
Tear, rip, and let flow the red die within....
{Please, can't you take away my pain? You of all people, don't you know how to alleviate this.... feeling?}
Take it back, this simple fucking sentiment.... There is no cure for this.
"I'm broken." She mumbles, as I begin to lose track of how many times I've heard that phrase before.
I feel like there is something missing, like some large, consuming part of my life is out on vacation without me or my consent. Why do I feel so lonely, when all I want is to be alone? I drift in and out of the conversation, partially covered by the older stranger sitting before me. We try to comfort her, the older woman and myself, but she is broken, and she brought this barren state to herself.
Zhu pours the water, flowing boiling liquid hitting the tea pot. That sound, water on 200 year old clay, that sound is very specific.
I don't know if I can deal with this. Even though they were sitting right beside me, I couldn't focus. My mind was in a constant state of drift, moving off to someone else, someone absent from today's proceedings.
"We made our own self-fulfilling prophecies."
He lied to me... What gave him the right to think that he was protecting me? What right did he have to call me friend for all those years, when he knew what had happened. He knew it all, and left me to believe it was innocent death which divided such bonds.
We had everything we wanted, and we threw it all away because of our own insecurities.
Beautiful Fucking Endeavour. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Where is the life that I recognise? |
|
|
| 12:49am 16/10/2004 |
| |
|
mood: gone away music: Something For Kate - Dreamworld
|
At what point do you think I'll finally realise I need to let go?
The irony comes in the form of self-relisation. A single weapon, never sharpened, but strengthening with age. Not a bullet, but more destructive, left motionless and alive. It paralyses from within the heart, and spreads outward like some viral kaleidoscope. Constantly changing, this new age emotional evolution. It's always been there, in some form or another. Like wings made of knives, the closer you get, the more it hurts. We shall call it the hedgehog's dilemma.
It comes to a point when I want to cut it out. Kill the virus, disarm the bomb, rid myself of these sharp wings, and yet tonight, I realise that is their salvation. Not a defense for me, but natural signals, some evolutionary beacon to warn off those brave enough to try. Why must it feel like this? The shifting sharp pieces of broken glass digging ever deeper into my skin, the simultaneous pains of parting flesh with the warmth of your touch. But its not real, I'm fooling myself to explain the blood. I memorized mesmerization long ago, its just another footstep now.
This ethereal addiction is pulling me to some outcome, I'm not sure I'm ready to face. I know where the dreams end, and I'm certain the fates will assure it never manifest into tangibility. So I let go, let slip those dogs, for the sake of someone else. Trying to save another, at the risk of my own sanity. Is that my purpose? Am I some make believe balance? Forced to live in unrealised realities? Creating whole other worlds within which just to seek refuge. Just because you can touch the dream, doesn't make it real.
These metaphors say what I cannot, and these dreams are all that's left to keep me safe from myself....
Lift out
Sit down
Shut up
Rip out
Cut down all these things
Erase the connection from you to me |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Quod me nutrit me destruit |
|
|
| 03:16am 23/03/2004 |
| |
Can you tell me why this hurts so much? Why the pain in my chest never seems to subside at night? Why I struggle so to inhale such warm sticky air, desperately trying to resume some sort of normal breathing? Even the angels themselves would forget to breathe looking in those eyes. I strive to remember the warmth of that touch. Never have I felt such warmth in the presence of another. I think I felt your soul that day; the peace and righteousness of your being pouring down on me like a warm summer rain. It is dry here, a desolate and barren wasteland which lives true to the title of desert.
With such mixed feelings about my own humanity, I can't explain how this feels, nor can I explain the reason such a thing should feel this way. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| The old familiar sting. |
|
|
| 02:30am 09/03/2004 |
| |
|
mood: lonely music: Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang
|
a habit, an affliction
a poem for the disease
a friend in human form
whatever it is you please
"It looks as if the wings are dripping." I said, looking at a recent picture. "I will never understand how you can do that so well, push the pictures onto paper." Pausing for a moment, my eyes role back into my head, while pondering my next choice of words. "You do effortlessly what most people would give anything to accomplish; touch others with the leak from your mind to brush." I move my index finger along the neckline of the creature, trying to imagine the happy conversations that would spring forth from such beauty. You are truly amazing, in every way.
a habit, an addiction
no cure for this disease
an angel here in human form
whatever it is you please |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| let me see how long.... |
|
|
| 08:50pm 24/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: trying to relax music: Coheed and Cambria - Time Consumer
|
There is no problem in my life that Jennifer can't fix. Holding her, squeezing her in my hands. Moving through the air, an extension of myself. Always so tired when its over, covered in sweat, breathing heavily. That's how I clear my mind.... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Things might change... |
|
|
| 01:17am 23/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: happy music: FC Kahuna - Hayling
|
All your pictures came out better than mine, well, most of them at least. As I had warned, the pictures of me wouldn't come out at all. It's not your fault really, the fault is mine. I can never relax enough around people to allow them a good portrait of me, and I surely was not going to relax that day.
"Left eared koi fish, and this right handed heart..."
I noticed the ear ring when we sat down the third time, after getting our drinks and watching the baby swoon. That's where the story came from, the two fish, and the dragon a mix of folk tale and vendetta. Already I've received three request to finish the story, to tell the tale of what happens next for the two people, and that is where I find myself stuck because I don't even know. Not much of an author, if I can't decide the fate of my characters, but maybe it is more laced in metaphor than I gave up before.
Sorry about the confusion, last words spoken in misjudged haste. Too many conversations at once, trying to explain the difference in indigo and carp while saying fleeting good byes in Yiddish to another, caused for mistyped good byes and poorly thought out last words.
I find myself wanting to say so much, yet not knowing what to say to anyone. I think the portraits in my mind would have a larger fall out than I can see, inevitably effecting the more than the one or even the two. I meant it when I said you confused me, there was a distance there, replaced by the distance now that you manage to fill with your warmth. No doubt there is much I try too hard to read into, but I often find myself contemplating for those things which I care. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Remind me of angels..... |
|
|
| 05:35am 13/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: complete music: Foo Fighters - Everlong
|
Waves of inspiration, same time of every day. Same topic on my mind, every time I try to write. Little things, there, in my mind, wanting to spill, wanting to let lose the little bits of sand. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| 8 days... |
|
|
| 01:51am 12/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: anxious music: Something For Kate - Dreamworld
|
It's funny, I wasn't even counting down the days. Despite the fact that it is completely something I would do, and now I find it impossible to do otherwise since the countdown was given to me tonight.
"leather twine and two toned koi fish"
Such an odd conversation. One I actually enjoyed, "but I may be biased."
How much do I want to be in that garden? |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Truly |
|
|
| 01:16pm 10/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: sad music: Something For Kate - Truly
|
She dreams about me you know, conjuring up great magics and beautiful delusions in her sleep. It's sweet to know I can have such an effect on people, to be able to touch them from so many miles away. I only hate it when they touch back..... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| somnia memorias |
|
|
| 12:08am 01/01/2004 |
| |
|
mood: lonely music: Parasite Eve - Somnia Memorias (Platinum Mix)
|
Fireworks echo in the distance, as I stand on my soggy balcony. The people I want to be with me now, aren't here, or even around to hear me say that. I can't resist the urge to run out into the night, and head straight for those things which would make me comfortable. I wish she was here tonight. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I didn't hear those fireworks in the distance. I wish I had the courage to say the things I feel to something other than silicone and wires. Fiber optics give me harsh security, that can all too quickly be pulled away. I can say what I want here, say what I feel, say what I want above everything else, but sooner or later someone will read this, and the secret will be out. False security, as gun powder flares outside my window. Some one is setting them off in the parking lot now, the empty parking lot, for everyone is with there friends and family. Where they planned to be tonight. No more excuses, I have to do for myself now.
Somewhere across the memories, somnia memorias, there is a place for me..... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| just make this go away |
|
|
| 02:02am 31/12/2003 |
| |
|
mood: same music: Staind - Its Been Awhile (Explicit)
|
I'm taking pills to go to sleep tonight, and due to my already fucked up body chemistry I'm taking a lot more than i should, but i have to get my brain to shut off. i hat eto say this, but i might need you here as much as i want you here. but then again, I may just want to be entirely alone. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| motionless sleep, and moving unconscious... |
|
|
| 01:59am 31/12/2003 |
| |
|
mood: depressed music: Staind - Its Been Awhile (Explicit)
|
there is so much emoiton right now, so much pent up fucking anger, hurt, feelings, and i dont know what to do with them. i want out, farther from the reach of those around me, i want to be with people whom actaully care about me instead of for me. this passive intent bull shit is making me physically ill, and i cant take this bullshit niceness. if you want something from me, take it, i will generally give it freely anyhow, but to lie and backstab me to get it, is too much. now I know how everyone else feels, when i and quiet, and reclusive. im sorry but i dont want to do this anymore, i want to escape. i know what i want, that which i can never have, but to settle for that which drives me to moving unconsciousness is suicide. i dont want to die, but i cant keep living like this. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Translation...... |
|
|
| 02:55am 14/12/2003 |
| |
|
mood: insomniated? music: Ani Difranco - Not A Pretty Girl
|
This is just for you, since you seem to be the eyes only smart enough to have found this......
I don't know if you remember, but my soon to be old apartment, (That's right, I'm moving, soon.) has a fire place in it. Well, I was burning a few of those long lasting logs in it, when a friend called, needing help, of course. I tried to put it out, and closed the fire vent to keep some of the warm air in the house. Upon my return, from the false alarm, my house was filled with smoke.....
"What are these things I see at night?"
The sights, which had stopped for a while, have gotten significantly worse upon their return. Physical deformities, sudden appearance of gapping wounds, and stretching of whole rooms are now added to the eyes, feelings, and shapeless bodies of past attempts. I can't for the life figure out what it is using to get at me so much now, because nothing really changed since the last time they stopped.
"What comes when this time is over?"
Actually this one is fairly straight forward, except in mention of the tattoo. My next tattoo deals a great deal with the revelation I had last week. The mother, the maiden, and the crone, dealing with the three very important women I've had die in my life, Kristi, Maybel, and Jackie. I came across this beautiful triple moon triquerta, and it all just feel into place.
"Will I die bitter and alone?"
I was driving and thinking the other day, that I tear everything and everyone apart. I believe strongly in the Chinese proverb, that war will lead to perfection. (That's loosely translated, it really means, conflict and obstacles, will cause people to evolve their way of thinking, becoming better.) However I can't shake the thought that I will just try to attack everyone in pursuit of my own perfection, that no one could ever stand to be near me for long.
It seemed to me, that this year was actually the best year I have had in many years; however, the more I think about it, the more I can see little things that began this year which will continue to cause problems into the future. One of the few things I wouldn't change though, is meeting the woman who saved my life. Because I know where I was headed, and what would have happened if not for her. So thank you..... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| The more that you do.... |
|
|
| 05:05am 25/11/2003 |
| |
|
mood: happy music: Nine Inch Nails - Were In This Together Now
|
So I went and spent the day with, well, of all people, Melissa today. I actually blew off Rachel, but she is starting to get way too attached again, I blew her off to spend the afternoon with the oddest relationship of my life. And despite the horrible, gut wrenching nervousness, and all the reasons she had to yell at me, it went incredibly well. Not like it used to be, different, a lot more honest, on both our parts, especially mine. That makes it better, that and the friends factor. She was surprisingly open too, it's almost scary some of the changes that she has been through. She's definitely lost her stage fright.... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
pretend_angel's journal