My life

Okay. . .so my last few entries have been seriously. . .meloncholy? Whatever you want to call it, I haven't had a peppy one in a while. . .I guess I should tell you people what's happening in my life. . .

Let's see. . .I've got a few comments to make about life. . .first, It's a good thing to be alive. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that every day I have a chance to be a little bit better than what I have been. I've been making recompense with a whole bunch of people and I'm slowly starting to change for the better. I've let go of a lot of grudges and resentment. . .if you have any, take it from me. . .let it go. Just let it go, it's not worth it. In fact, you're probably damaging yourself more than what you think you are. I think that I've become incapable of loving for the moment as a result of it. My heart is so bruised and broken from the last few months (the last year?) that I'm just starting to let go of it all. I have to, I can't feel anymore. . .it's not good. But I'm starting to feel. Do you ever wonder what it would be like for a Vampire to suddenly feel it's heart beating? Well, yeah. . .that's where I'm at. I'm starting to feel that beating heart. I'm starting to get to the point where I'm not numb to the world. Believe you me, it's not easy! Far from it actually.

Classes have been good. Some interesting things to learn--My Sign 418 class ought to be the most fun. . .I have very stimulating discussion every class and then I get to go to work, wee!

Speaking of work, Victoria's is cutting my hours. . .this makes me hesitant about the whole deal. . .seriously scared if I'm even working next week cause nothing is posted--not even for Saturday which they normally have me working something. I need the hours!!! If not I'm not going to get to Italy and I really want to go. . .maybe I should start considering another job. . .I really don't want to use up all of my work study yet but if I have to, I'll kick my hours up to 30. . .that's the most I can do and I know I'll have enough at that point but what do I do when the money runs out? I have to just hold til Christmas, I know that I'll have lots more time and opportunities to earn money. . .I know I have enough work study but it's a nice safety net. I have to start thinking of what to do after all of that. . .

In any case, you all saw that correctly--Italy! I'm totally going! I'm going to head off sometime in June and study Italian sign, how awesome is that?! I love it!!! I can't wait!

Anyway, life is good and I'm glad for my life. I'm starting to learn to live and I'm starting to feel like . . . well, Dream changing. . .

Speaking of that, whoever is reading this journal and leaving random comments, I would REALLY appreciate it if you could make yourself known. I would like to know who you are--it's kinda creepy that you're reading this and not identifying yourself.

So everyone knows that I've handed out nicknames for everyone around me. . .primarily based on the Sandman series. Destruction actually fits David perfectly and Delirium fits Anne perfectly. The more I read this "Sandman Companion" the more shocked and amazed I am at the whole thing. I mean, Destruction was a stablizing force for Delirium. . .how often has David been there for Anne? I don't know. . .but I know he has been. . .

Anyway, my dilemma has been that I haven't found anyone who was "Dream" I always thought that it would be a guy I could connect with. The closest I got was Aaron but even then he wasn't Dream. . .Dream is a different personality. While reading this companion, I read an interesting paragraph that I thought applied to me. I wonder what you all think. Based off my life messages on here thus far, tell me what you think. ..

"Dream was so terrified of letting anyone get emotionally close enough to him that, over the course of the series, he consistently withdrew from women he has affairs with, such as Calliope and Thessaly. His only human friend, Hob Gadling, is someone he spoke to once every hundred years. And those he loved the most, he imprisioned."

Okay, so I can't imprision anyone physically and I don't have the luxuary of once every hundred years, but I do have the common trend of only calling on my good friends when I have a conflict . . . I rarely report on the good times and lately I just feel like no one is emotionally close. I'm holding everyone a mile and half distance away.

I dont wanna lose you,
I dont wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I dont wanna hate you
I dont wanna take you
But I dont wanna be the one to cry
That dont really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

Perhaps I'm just using him. Maybe I just want to feel loved and needed and that's why I'm so quit to jump into any relationship. It's not that I lacked in love during my growing up. . .I just never felt it from other people outside of my family. I felt dejected and outcast. I didn't feel like I could turn to anyone. The minute he turns to me, I'm all over it. I need and crave the attention. I don't know what's wrong with me, just that I need it more than I need to breath somedays. I can feel that passing this time. I don't need it.

Now I could never change you
I dont wanna blame you
Baby you dont have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

I don't know. . .maybe I'm just not ready yet. I just feel like I'm starting to take on life's problems by myself. I've got 12 credit hours and two jobs to deal with for the next little while. I have bills to pay and through all of this I still have to find a way to pick up the pieces of my heart.

And theres no way home
When its late at night and youre all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

Since the time I was little and I heard this song I've always loved this. I can feel you but in the same breath I can't. I don't know who you are, will I ever know who you are? Am I cursed to just feel this and never be content with what I have? Circumstances aren't right yet. 18 months is a long time, many things change; many things happen. I want to say that I've loved you forever; I want to tell you about who I've become in this life; I want to tell you about everything but more importantly, I want to hear it from you.


And theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart they cant touch.
Theres a reason why people dont stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just aint enough.
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

What is love? How do we as humans feel it? What do we do with it for people who know it's not enough? Can I continue at the status quo before I collapse in a pile of tears? Can I maintian the confidence that has gotten me this far? Will I be able to do what I need to in order to eventually meet you? Who are you and do you love me?

But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

It will change, I know it will. . .I can't believe that life will continue on without changing. I won't desert this dream, I believe it too much.

That's when it's over. . .

Man, I hate this. It's really over. No more Godspell. No more telling people to come see this wonderful production. What do I have to show for it? A lot beautiful friends! Some experience doing something that feels really natural to me and so many memories. How I wish I could just pull these memories out and relive them over and over again. I love each person in the cast. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the priviledge of meeting. Some of them really let the light of Christ shine from every angle of them. I've never felt so encompassed in the love of others as I have for the last two months. It hit me yesterday as we did closing how much love I have for them. I don't think I adequately expressed the love I had for them. They are all amazing people.

I think the most amazing part was Paula and David. I can't believe them. Saturday night just blew us all out of the water when after sitting in the hospital for several hours, they show up and basically say, we don't care what's going on in our lives, we've all worked hard and we're not letting anyone down. I could have cried. David was all for getting on stage on an empty stomach and hardly any sleep. I literally had to go for a walk to get food for him and then told him to eat. I was going to hold the show if he didn't eat.

Dameca is amazing! I love her so much! Even when she fainted on stage, she still jumped back in and put her full work into it and then she helped with everything she normally would do. Typically people would have ran away immediately. What an amazing character that is.

Jon. . .my dear sweet Jon. . .tears fill my eyes just thinking of him. His life hasn't been easy (I don't think anyone in the cast has had an easy life). Jon has slowly allowed the light of Christ in his life. Wow! He has gone from someone who would get wasted regularly to realizing his problem and finding the wonderful friends that surround him now. How I love him so much for his willingness to give to those who are around him. I love his strength and wisdom so much.

Brandon, how can I describe this man's talents? He thought it strange when someone complemented him on having so many wonderful talents but he really does. He took a group of young adults and high school students, many who have never acted, sang or danced in their life, and pulled off a production that recieved a standing ovation on Friday night; a production that touched many people's lives. Brandon never once gave a moments thought to himself but was as caring and as loving as any parent should be. On top of that, he gave an example of service that was worth more than anything else. Knowing that he needed the money for his company to get up and running, he still insisted on giving it to those who needed it more. . .the Lobo, John, anyone he could think of to give it to. Sure, the money and stuff left over from the stage we could have tried to sell to put more money in the company but we've decided to just donate it, no arguments from him. How amazing and loving he is.

Justin how I love him so much! I wish I could just clone this man and show him to everyone who wonders what it means to follow Christ. I don't think I've ever once heard him say a mean or terrible thing about another person. He just loves with ever fiber of his being. A hug from him was a Justin hug. . .experience that if you ever can. He is a man who can led by example and command the respect of a room just by being in it. What a wonderful person.

Charolette. . .I really wish I could have spent more time with her. I think if I continue to stay in contact with her she will turn into a spectacular friend. She is an amazing actress and I wish she was staying around in Albuquerque it would have turned into something well worth any friendship.

Adam. . .Bencomo. . .oh how this kid made me laugh. He's an amazing person by himself! I can't even begin to describe his dedication to the show. Even though he could only preform for three of the six shows, he still worked as hard as he possibly could in obtaining the character for himself. . .and he did! Completely and entirely. If you didn't see his performance, you missed something that can never be replaced. Bencomo is entirely worth every hug you can give him. He's like that little kid that you just can't help but love.

Link is one of those people you just go "uh. . ." to. Watching him throughout the play and seeing him grow more comfortable with people watching and listening to him was spectacular. I loved it when he finally threw his fears off and let "Alas, Alas" come out at Bradon's house. He had Christ's character down then; he knew that it was alright to preach these things and not to fear retribution. I wish he had served a mission because he would have been there. . .he would have felt that love of Christ and his countance as I could feel it every preformance. What a remarkable re-enactment of the most perfect man in history.

Megan, wow. that's all I can say, she helped me so much with everything I could do on stage. She wasn't afraid to say, "Let's do this. . ." and then jump on board to help. She didn't just make a suggestion and then leave it for others to do. She led by example so often that my heart just swells. I wish, so much, that she could stay in Albuquerque for longer. Ohio is calling her and she'll have to return but she is an amazing person. True dedication comes from learning lines in a weekend and being willing to learn moves every step of the way.

Devon is one that has so much going for her. Yet she insist upon acting as I do but harder. The walls she throws up instantly make her unapproachable and yet, you see a talented and gifted person hiding behind her. She has a beautiful soul that could blossom into a wonderful woman if she'll just let her guard down. I know how hard it is to be in her situation, to be given a task with people who she has never met and doesn't know how or who to trust, but at the same time I know that she has made friends that she'll never how to survive without. She's got amazing talents that I hope and pray will be put to spectacular use one day.

Leah is the sweetest 15, almost 16 year-old I've ever known. How her soul showed during "By My Side" Wow, talk about power, talk about understand that we must dare ourselves to meet our new roads. Sometimes it's so hard to take that step in the dark and let God take us where we are going but Leah embodied that beautiful aspect of child like love. She was a child following Christ without any question and I think that she gets it. When she would look up at Link (Jesus) at the beginning of the song, my heart was pierced by the first words, "Where are you going?" So many times I've asked that question and the question of "Where are you taking me" yet she lets go and just walks with him. How I loved to see that and wish I could see it many more times.

The person that amazed me as well but not part of the play was Roxy. . .dear Roxy who didn't have to be a mother to the cast but was. The night of opening I could have cried. I felt so alone watching everyone with their family and friends around hugging them and giving them flowers. Perhaps a twinge of jealousy hit me, perhaps it was just loneliness, whatever it was I hurt and ached for someone to be there to congradulate me on a job well done and there was Roxy. She came in with a huge bucket of flowers and while I stood there cleaning up my things at the light booth, she came up and gave me a rose. How I love her for that. She has no idea what that means to me, knowing someone could be there to congradulate us, all of us, on a job well done just amazed me. My heart goes out to her beautiful soul and I wish I can continue to get to know her.

The show is over, closing is done and life moves on. . .Next project . . . I'm not telling :D

so much has happened in the last two months. I can hardly believe I'm the same person that was crying so hard in May and June. My heart feels numb still but I can move on from that. I know that Godspell has healed so much of my broken heart but there is still a lot of work to be done on it. I wish I could keep these amazing people with me wherever I go. I want this show to go on forever and ever. Seeing it on stage tonight was amazing! I don't care what people say about shows but so much work goes into it all.

I love the fact that just two months ago no one knew any of the songs or the lines or the dances and here we were producing an amazing show. . .okay, so we had SOME technical difficulties but we still were amazing. Our hard work is paying off and just wish I could maintain that hard work pace for the next several. . .umm. . .years?

It's silly, I know, but tonight also made me want to start dating again. I just wish there was someone who was right for me. . .someone I wanted to date. I feel like by loving another person this numbness left by stupid will just wash away. I feel like I'll actually be able to feel again.

I know there is so much I have to do in the next 18 months. . .I have a lot of task that I don't clearly know what I am supposed to do just that they are looming over me. The first task has been to move from Franklin Covey to Victoria's Secret. . .the transition so far has been smooth, I just pray that it maintains the smoothness and I don't run into any financial problems. I'm really at peace with it. I feel like staying at Franklin would have been torture to my heart as well as my soul. Victoria's is where I need to be now but I don't know why God moved me there.

Oh the places you'll go and the people you'll meet. . .Dr. Seuss really knew what he was talking about . . . Where will I go next? Who will I meet next? Is there a hope for me in the end of all this? Will I find the refreshing feelings of joy and love and peace again? Time can only tell. . .

This broken heart will mend--is mending--but I just wish I didn't feel so alone in the process. No one seems to understand any of it and I don't know if I'm just not explaining well or if I'm not being listened to. . .strange . . .

Okay, so this was supposed to be about Godspell and my love of the show going up and how far it's come and instead it's a post about me and my ramblings of adventures taken and not taken and being taken. . .sorry if this doesn't make any sense, please note the time and realize I'm coming off a HUGE excitement kick of actually getting it on stage. . .I still can't believe it!

Two years go by quickly a year and half looks so daunting. . .time flies when you have fun and only walks when you don't.

Looking back, two years has been a long time. It's my last five minutes at Franklin Covey, after this I won't be here anymore. . .who knows what will happen but I know it's time to move on. . .I know I can't stay here anymore. I can only pray that I will be taken into the Lord's arms and protected from what may come. Victoria's Secret and whatever I can get from my work study is all I have for next year.

I'm going to miss this place and I'm at peace with leaving. I know it's time to move on. . .i've felt it for a while now and finally I can accept it. I think I just had to hold on a little longer so I could make the PTO I needed and start to get some hours at Victoria's. Here's to hoping things look well in my future.

The trip home was so incredibly nice! I can't tell you guys how much I loved being around my family again. I guess I've been really homesick and I just never realized it. . .

Okay, so let's do the run down of the week. . .

Sunday we arrived about 4 pm. We sat around listening to the CDs I had burned and talking about the various songs Dad used to sing. We also had cake and ice cream. I got to play with the nephew some. . .I'll probably post the video of it somewhere. . .


Monday was awesome. . .My mom, my sister, my sister-in-law, my nephew and myself went to Victoria's Secret where we spent WAY too much money. . .but we had fun. Jeni had to leave to go to work, so my mom, my sister, my bugaboo (nephew) and myself went down to SLC for lunch at my brother's work. . .really good place called Noodles and Co. I recommend it to anyone. . .Then we went to my mom's doctor's appointment where she got told to slowly resume life (since she had that surgery about mid-may). . .and then we went swimming in my brother's pool. . .which was so nice. . .

Tuesday was spent in Logan. . .found out Jamie is pregnant again. . .Mom and I have our money on it being a girl and she's only 2 months along. . .We drove all over the place looking at various stuff in Logan and Smithfield and Richmond. . .long day up there. . .bugaboo wanted to get out of the car at about 5 pm. He just wanted to get the tennis ball and go play outside. That night we had pork chops for dinner and did some fireworks for the bugaboo.

Wednesday was the fourth and I LOVE Utah fireworks. Mom asked if the ten hour drive was worth it. . .YES! I'd drive ten more if I had to just to see those fireworks. I haven't found the likes of them but I also have childhood memories with them. I also saw a Utah parade. . .it's changed a lot in the last two years. . .the jets didn't come til almost the end. . .they ALWAYS are at the beginning. . .go figure. . .Got to hang out with Andrew some. . .that was nice and we did a BBQ. . .Bugaboo got a wonderful ice cream sandwich. . .he was so cute with it!

Thursday I had my very first physical. . .I don't wish that upon my worst enemy. . .OUCH! Then, we went to Cherry Hill. Laura needed to work on her arm. . .she's been stuck at 130 degrees. . . just ten more degrees and she'll be fine. So we went swimming to try and get that arm to move more freely. . .we went to physical therapy and she was measured at 133 degrees. . .of course, I bribed her and told her if she cried we would leave Cherry Hill for good at 6. . .but if she was good and didn't cry--she could scream and acknowledge the pain but could not cry--then we would stay until 7. . .we wound up staying til 7 because she was so good about not crying.

Friday, I spent the day learning to change my oil and my transmission fluid. . .I also got packed and made a final dash to the DI. . .good thing I did, found some stuff for the play!!! I then went down to SLC to play DnD with Dom and niichan and company. . .sadly, no game :( Everyone pretty much was feeling down. . .this is sad cause Dom threw a character together for me Thursday night and it was going to be interesting to play. . .oh, well. We wound up at nicklecad for a few hours playing their version of DDR. . .very fun all in all. Got Niichan to call Jackie-san. . .now everyone I know is updated on that end. . .Niichan also got my number so he can call me now. . .yay! I also found out about 10 PM last night that I was making the trek back to Albuquerque by myself since the girl from the branch I was going to go with decided to stay. . .why, I don't know.

This morning I woke up around 9 and managed to carry my bawling self out the door by 10:15. . .I didn't want to go back to this quirky city. My bugaboo is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute and I love him to pieces. I just wanted to take him with me. I can't believe how big he's getting and I'm not going to be going home til probably spring break for the new baby's blessing. . . *sighs* Mom did say this morning that if I wanted to I could move home next summer and then come back and just get an apartment for 4 or 5 months and then once I'm all graduated and finished I can move back to Utah permentantly. . .I have a feeling the next 18 months are going to be interesting for me. A lot of things haven't unfolded for me here yet. I learned that on my 10 hour drive. Which was good for me. . .I got a lot of thinking and praying done. . . my heart is at peace now if my mind would just catch up I'd be okay.

Anyhoo, that's the update. . .I'm still horrifically homesick but I'll make it . . . a year and a half . . . 18 months. . .3 semesters. . .It'll fly by . . .right?

This is a larger file, fyi. . . oh! And there is a song too!!! Make sure that is playing

( video )

( Tears in Heaven )



I'm not entirely sure why, but this song really struck me today. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I've heard this song. . .I mean, I grew up on it and then I, naturally, had to have a copy of it on my computer. I love this song for so many reasons. . . But it struck me today.

Would I know anyone's name in heaven? I mean, I think about all the people I know here. . .Half of them will never read this. . .and yet, will I know their names in heaven? How well do I know anyone?

I get these little daily gem things from lds.org . . . kind of a spiritual thought everyday. Well, I get one for the young single adults and one for just the general daily gem thing . . . cause I signed up for both of them . . . and today I got the same message on both of them. It's a quote by Thomas S. Monson . . .

"On June 27, 1844, Joseph, Hyrum, John Taylor, and Willard Richards were together [in the Carthage Jail] when an angry mob stormed the jail, ran up the stairway, and began firing through the door of the room they occupied. Hyrum was killed, and John Taylor was wounded. Joseph Smith's last great act here upon the earth was one of selflessness. He crossed the room, most likely 'thinking that it would save the lives of his brethren in the room if he could get out, . . . and sprang into the window when two balls pierced him from the door, and one entered his right breast from without' (History of the Church, 6:618). He gave his life. . . The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us love--by example."

My thought is this. . .do we even know the people who would give their lives for us? Do we know who we'd give our lives for? I mean, Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice by offering the atonement for compensation and he was so willing to love us even though we may not even deserve it. Do I live in such a way that I could give my life for those around me? Could I present myself in heaven and say that I know this person because I loved them so profoundly that I gave my life for them?

Another thing running around my mind that is connected to this. . . why am I doing this play? I mean, I didn't feel right about the music. I had a gut feeling that it was wrong from the minute I picked the music up from Brandon. However, when I got the text asking me to try out for the play I agreed and I haven't really looked back. It feels absolutely correct and I know Heaven Father wants me in this position but what for? My quest right now is to find that reason. I think I have a smal inclination on the why, but I don't know the full story. I love the play. I've had testimony bore to me multiple times that this is where I need to be. Wow, if you all could see the rehearsals! I hope that the passion and love that is in rehearsal will develop and grow and just explode on stage. If there was a way for me to harness it, I would. I need all of these people right now and soon I'll be able to hang out with them more than what I am right now. . .so hard to balance everything but the balance will come out in the end.

Okay, tired and babbling now . . . I just want everyone to know that I love this life I'm leading. Every heart break and every growing pain and everything I've been through in my last (nearly) 22 years has been amazing. I know I complain a lot but I also know that I need every square inch of it and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I totally look forward to learning more and more as I become the woman of my dreams. I want everyone to know that God lives! His son lives as well. There is such a testimony of that all around us and if you don't have that in your heart yet, I incourage you to find it. There is a comfort and a solitude in knowing that God lives.

To quote Shepherd Book (Serenity), "I don't care what you believe, just believe it" and believe it with your whole heart, mind and soul cause in the end that's the only thing you can present before your God.

Been a while. . .


I guess I should update here as well as my LJ every once in a blue moon. As if my life isn't crazy enough already I've decided to really jump off the deep end and become the assistant director (AD) for the musical production of Godspell. I'm so excited about it. Brandon and I have a lot of fun ideas and it'll be a blast just hanging out with Link, Leah, Jon and the cast. . .



Something I've been considering for a long time now . . . friends drift apart and I've felt a large drift. It seems that ever since Kansas last year, the endless just haven't been the same. It's like no one wanted to be around me. . .Kris and Elise started dating. . .David went off being David. . .Brenda tried to do things but just didn't have a lot of sway. . .and Casper. . .well. . .I can face the fact that I've never been close to Casper. . .I'm not sure who is at fault for that. . .perhaps both of us. The case remains that things just haven't been right for nearly a year with any of them. I've been struggling privately afraid to let anyone see how much I felt left out and forgotten. I just pretended all was well and I felt justified in being angry toward Elise and Kris. I think I placed a lot of blame on them for how things were playing out because I couldn't stand the idea of the group just drifting apart in that way. But really, it was in the foundation of our friendship that we would all drift apart. Or maybe just that I would fall away from them. I mean, you look at the very foundation of the friendships and you see that I stood to the side. I was never instrumental in any of it. Additionally, shortly after we founded our friendship, I was pulled away from one of the things that kept us strong. . .I know it sounds terribly odd but just me playing the piano every week and having to sit by myself. . .I was being pulled from everyone at that point. I also had huge walls and only trusted a few people in my life. .. the very people who wound up moving on with life. I guess I just can't handle that fact too much cause I've had a hard deal with everything happening in my life and not having anyone who particularly seemed to care about anything. Sure, I rant but who in life doesn't? I mean, it's part of the deal. . .



anyway, I have been turning it over and I've reached this conclusion. . .i don't know who I can trust anymore. I don't know what I can do to break out of my shell. Even as I hang out with the cast or with other people in my life I feel like I'm holding back. I think the whole relationship with Aaron hasn't helped that any. I poured my heart and soul to him and I feel like my heart has been crushed and shattered to a thousand million pieces. I can't feel anymore. All I know is that I have wonderfully great moments and moments where I just want to curl up and cry forever. No one can help me anymore. . .well, no one in this earth life. . .I have to turn to a higher source and I don't know what my problem is with that. I'm struggling with it. . .It's almost like I'm enjoying the misery but hating it at the same time. I think I'm afraid that I won't find the comfort and peace that I so badly want because I have to, for some reason, struggle through this. . .maybe I just have to have more faith. . . .



Niichan would tell me, "Let go and let God. . ." Maybe I should talk to him more so he can remind me of that.



Anyhoo. . .that's my life in a nutshell. . . I'm enjoying the idea of having new friends to do things with but some pain is just too fresh for me.

I think this would go better if I could remember how to type. . .I had to type the subject line like 3 times. . .so. . .pardon any and all typos. . .

Let's see, this month has had good times and bad times. It started off crappy. The night before my first final Aaron decided to end our relationship. Not wise to spend all day crying and watching Firefly reruns only to turn around and go take a written final on the Bible. I must have done well though cause I got an A in the class. . .FInals are really a blur. That week was just awful and I can't even tell you guys what a haze was over me. I just went through the motions of going to class and work and when I was home, I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be with Aaron but I couldn't and it was really frustrating. It's still hard. . .you know, when I see him at church or at an activity or he ask me for a ride. I'm trying so hard to keep the upper side on. . .you know, he needs a friend, I'm still his friend no matter what, I love him, I'll help him out. . .but it's so hard. I want to snuggle into his arms again and feel safe. I feel like I'm running away from him and Ben and Clint and Ivan all at the same time. It hasn't helped any that they all have decided to come back to the branch at the moment. I can deal with 2 but 4 is getting hard especially since Aaron is the uniting force with them all. I feel like the branch whore or something. Of course I'm one of the few people who have been in the branch for as long as I have been there. I want to try a different ward but I have too much responsibility at the branch to really go anywhere else on Sundays. .. *Sighs* Maybe I can figure something out. . .

In other news, I've finally started at Victoria's Secret. I went in on Monday and got like an hour and a half just learning stuff about their products which was cool and then I work all day Saturday over there. . . I also got a raise at Franklin so yay! I'll have monies somehow even with hours being cut. . .I just wish I could make more, you know? I need it so badly. . .so many bills to pay and when the store is dead (like now) it's hard to believe I'm going anywhere.

Umm. . .I'm house sitting for Anna's mom while they are in california. . .wee, such fun this is. I deal with two puppies. . .one is old and nearly blind. She follows me everywhere I can hardly go to the bathroom without her following right behind. If I manage to get in without her following suit she waits outside the bathroom for me. I keep thinking the dog is going to die on me cause she just lays around doing nothing all day. Crazy dogs. . .The snake is pretty cool. I get to spray it down twice a day. To save myself gas and all of that fun I'm pretty much just living up there since it's near both of my jobs and to commute all the way back to the house and come up twice a day to water the snake. ..yeah, just no fun. I curled up with Bones and watched the entire first season. . .that was a good season and I hope they bring up more of Brennan's parents next season (the third one. . .) I can't wait for season two to come out so I can watch more and more bones.

Other than that. . .not much to report. I've fallen in love with the pop group Aly & AJ and that story is complete irony. . .but alas, another story for another day. Just so you peeps know. . .if gas continues to climb at the alarming rate that it is. . .I probably won't be coming home for any part of the summer. It's unfortunate but I have to think what's best for my pocket and at $4/gallon. . .traveling to Utah is going to be very pricey!

Hope you all are in good health and I hope to hear from you soon.

So yeah. . .I think I'll just keep Victoria's Secret until like the beginning of school. . .this will give me some money to work with during the summer and lots of fun stuff will be happening that I'll need money. . .I'm pretty sure I'll be stick with FranklinCovey maybe I'll try for the assistant position since it'll be opening up soon. . .who knows. . .

So I've decided recently that I needed a new job. . .one that will work me and work me a lot! I went looking at the mall yesterday. . .Mervyn's wanted to give me a job but they couldn't promise that I would get any sort of hours and they wouldn't give me a decent pay. . .only $6.75 an hour. . .ridiculous! So I looked some more and I had another interview with Victoria's Secret. . .Yeah, i accepted a job there. .. oh joy! I'm hoping to work about 40 hours a week there and they are paying me about $7 an hour. It's a small pay cut, but hey. . .I get more hours. I'm keeping the job at Franklin until i can't handle the double life anymore or summer ends and I have to decide which one to keep. I think though, that I'm going to keep trying for the secretary job at Sean's work. . .maybe, just maybe I can get that. . .then my ideal thing would be to work Victoria's Secret in the evening and on Saturday until summer and then just quit that. See, Sean's work would pay like $8.5. . .of course, that would require me quitting Franklin which I'm okay with at this point. I need to move on and I totally don't want to work here anymore. I mean, really. . .nearly 2 years is pretty good for any retail job when you're in college. . .

Other news. . .Finals are next week. . .Rejoice!! I can hardly wait to get there. . .I mean, the end of school and everything. . .I just have to make it through four more test. . .I already had two today. . .yes, I'm only taking four classes. . .some of my finals are like double finals cause they do the "expressive" exam part. . .totally lame but what can I do? I mean, if I protest then I'll just get it thrown back to me.

See, one of the test I had today, i wanted to protest. It was completely unjust! We have done nothing in that class with the exception of projects, 5 presentations on articles, a trip to the Deaf Preschool, and some discussion on Metaphor/Metanamy and GIVE. . .that was it. . .I mean, how do you have a written exam on that? HOW? You write things like, "What are three causes to APS establishing interpreters within their schools?" or "Identify and explain 6 parts of critical sim-com.". . .I mean, really! That was stupid! Grr! I think the expressive exam AND the 8-12 page paper should have been enough for that class but no we had to have some lame written test as well. . .I feel like I did well on it but who knows. . .

well. . .that's pretty much life. Nothing terribly new. . .Aaron and I are heading through a sticky time but it's typical, we just have to work it out and not run away like both of us are intune to do at the moment.

So I've totally become enthralled by the LJ writing contest. There are a lot of people who entered. . .I wasn't one of them. . .

This link. . . http://community.livejournal.com/lj_contests/ is where the top 10 are found. I totally recommend you checking out the stories! Some of them are totally kick awesome. I particularly liked #3 and #7. . .but don't let me sway you. Read them yourselves. They are wonderful and I really would like to see them developed into larger and longer stories. . .that's the nonfiction side of me :D

Oh, so now that I'm done with my rant. . .I guess I should let you all know what is taking place. .. I am being released from my calling as FHE cooridinator. This is cool because I get a much more fun job. . .it's what is known as Activities Director for the Branch. . .this means that FHE is under my direction still but someone else gets to deal with all that, I'm just kinda over them. . .thus, I have subordinates. . .I'm also in charge of planning branch activities and working with the YSA (which I still am. . .), the bishopric representatives for both YSA and activities, FHE people, and representatives from RS and EQ to plan the activities and work on getting our inactives back or updated or whatever. .. what fun this will be. I can't wait to start working with everyone. so yay! I keep the one job I REALLY wanted to keep and I get more power. . .I mean, responsibilities :) Cool, no?

This is just something I've noticed and I want to make a note on it. This does not reflect my life in any way, but something that just has created a concern in me. Please, ignore if all you're looking for is the updates of my life. . .( Discourse on Computers )

For the past year, I've balanced my callings. . . the three things I love to do! I've managed to start getting things sorted out and figured out on how to become productive. . .and now President Peterson has hinted at me that I won't be keeping them much longer. I'm already being released as branch pianist tomorrow. In addition to that, he said that he has a calling that a person of my talents would enjoy. Somehow I have unique talents and he thinks I'll like this calling. I asked him if I at least get to keep YSA and he said, "We'll talk about it tomorrow" I don't wanna be released! I really like YSA!!!!!! It's not fair! I go every month; I've started some ideas around the YSA group to hlep us function better and now just as they are about ready to launch. . .I get it taken away. I don't want it to be taken away. . .I want to stay YSA! I do it! I've always done it! No one else who has been placed in that position has done it. So, if I do and I do it well, WHY AM I BEING RELEASED?! I want to stay!!!!

More tomorrow. . .I imagine I'll be crying. . . I already have cried a lot. . .I like my callings a lot.