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Supressed Depressed Feb. 11th, 2008 @ 04:50 am
There’s a love and hate relationship with my depression.  It feels like something I can hold and mold into my own miserable universe.  No one knows, so therefore, this is a truly personal item I can persuade into its own form and to live and breathe freely.  Everyone accepts the fantastic façade of my beloved happiness, always cheering everyone else up, always there to lift you up when you’re down.  Don’t ask me where this dark creation comes from.  It is still a mystery to myself.  I guess I think I’m o.k.  Ask anyone, they’ll agree with that.

Sometimes I just want to be alone.  I don’t know why.

Some people crave attention and cannot stand to be alone.  I crave this inevitable stage of loneliness every so often - to be alone with my own undesired thoughts I cannot express freely to others.  No one wants to hear it.  No one wants to hear it.  The world has enough problems to deal with besides mine.  This stage renders its ugly head occasionally to others and they become confused - for good reason.  I mean, how can someone who portrays such an optimistic attitude suddenly reflect such an introvert retrospective of what seems to everyone else as happiness?  How can this be?  Like I said -  a mystery to myself as well.  Well… not necessarily. . .

Sometimes I try so very hard to get my point across, and no one understands me, so I might as well keep my opinions to myself.  Sometimes I don’t even understand myself and it builds up and builds up, until I am about to explode.  No one sees it though.  I won’t let them.  They have enough problems and dramas within their own personal dilemmas.

Protecting myself from my own demons is a difficult task.  I often resort to crawling into a tearless, yet sad state/depressing crevasse within my demeanor.  Like submerging myself into a depressant world is actually going to make me feel better.  It does give me some sort of energy, it does help me express my emotions without regret, but only upon this keyboard, into emptiness.  No one needs to know, except myself.  I continue to record my thoughts to help me remember.

Let It Be Me Oct. 2nd, 2005 @ 03:38 am
Aurgh! I am all wide awake when I shouldn't be - as usual, since my man is doing that obnoxious snoring garbage I can't stand (see related community posts on sleep apnea).

That, and also these two songs keep catapulting into my head every time I see or hear anything about all the hurricane damage, etc... Fortunately these songs contain lyrics of hope, and not devastation. "Let It Be" - by the Beatles, and "Let It Rain" - by Tracy Chapman. Why both songs start with "Let" are purely coincidental - I think. Are there such things as coincidences? Is it part of Karmic Law? Or is this all just and fine and all part of an elaborate plan? These questions and more! Answered in... some other blog - or some other life. Whatever. Damn ADD and sleep depravation.

Anyways, back to the songs stuck in my head. I guess I've always loved both of these songs, especially when I feel very scared or lonely. These two songs always grasp the vocals of my subconscious 'till I'm humming along aloud, and always brings a little smitten of cheer to my otherwise grey poopus snarl of a brain at the time. I suppose both these songs could be themes for the Red Cross and Hurricane Relief.


"Let It Be" - The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....


"Let It Rain" - Tracy Chapman

Let it rain
As I walk these streets unknown
To no one named
Not even myself
When I'm low

Give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most
Give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most

Let it go
No mother no father no home
Forget as all others
Have forgotten
When I'm alone

But give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most
Give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most

Let it come
Love that lifts me up
Pain that brings me down
Everything I'd ever want and don't
When I'm not strong

But give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most
Give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most

Let it rain
Let it flood these streets and wash me away
To where it makes no difference who I am
Or what the future holds
When I don't know

But give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most
Give me hope
That help is coming
When I need it most

Storms' A Comin'...again Sep. 9th, 2005 @ 12:40 am
So now there's this stagnant super-slow ass hurricane off the coast of my humble abode. Last year I had to board up my home, parents home, business, and friends houses, a total of FOUR times. So I guess if I can get away with just doin' it once this year, its not that bad. The billion dollar tax payer beach effort to rejuvenate the beaches over the past year was totally demolished in just the last two days due to this Ophelia scenario. No one seems to know where its going, either.

First, all those weather peeps are like, "its just a Tropical Depression, and not a 'storm' yet,". What the heck does that mean? The weather is depressed, or should I be depressed - because if you saw all the flooding on my street with the 40 mph winds blowing the rain sideways and waking you up every hour for the past three days, you would say, "hmm, looks like a 'storm' to me..." Now its a freakin' hurricane, and to make matters worse, on the front page of our local newspaper it said that if we got a direct hit from a category 3 or more, there would be 20+ feet of storm surge. I don't even have flood insurance on my house, and you know why? Just the flood insurance alone costs more per year than to insure my entire house! I can't afford that (no one else in my neighborhood can either from what I gather). I won't even go into the insurance cost of the business. All I can think of is this - "What if what happened in New Orleans happened here?" Not likely I suppose, but what if? No one can even predict where this thing is going, but if headin' here, I am SOOOOOOOO out of here.

I had to evacuate my home in South Florida on my 16th birthday for Hurricane Andrew, and let me tell you, that was NOT a pretty site. My friends' piano keys were stuck in the sides of cars, which in turn were stuck in sides of trees. Boats were stuck in billboards a mile off the coast, and everything was a horrific mess. YET - the VERY next day there were helicopters, National Guard, Red Cross, Salvation Army, and LOADS of police, etc. there dropping off water, setting up evacuation and temporary hospital sites - even temporary school sites! - even though places were STILL FLOODED! Yes, lots of South Florida was still under water and VERY dangerous - I mean - this is Miami we're talking about! Well, aparently everything was somehow organized then, and that was over a DECADE AGO! Where was all that stuff this time? What the F*CK happened? I would think the whole hurricane plan would have gotten better in the past 10 years, not worse!!! I mean, seriously, Andrew was TERRIFYING, but help was there ASAP, despite the flooding, looting, nutty homeless, etc. It took a long time to recover, and some people still are, believe me, but this - this is - well, insert your own phrase for what you think this is.

Besides that, I have received some really terrific messages about the Katrina Links site and Community I posted. I've had some excellent feedback on sites to post, and ones to be wary of, and I really appreciate that. I wish I could do more, but I'm broke, and just good at organizing sh*t I suppose.

My parents are planning on going to some relief sites in an RV to deliver some material goods. One of my employees' parents' have opened their 8 acre farm in the panhandle of FL to the Red Cross and to evacuees and they say its total madness, but helpful none the less. My best friend works for Florida Fish and Wildlife and says they've already deployed those in armed enforcement to travel the bayous for survivors, and they've taken all of their regular equipment, such as helicopters, airboats, SUVs, and all that. She is expected to go to some of the lesser affected areas in October. I told her that she wasn't chosen to go on this first route because they don't trust her with a firearm, because I sure wouldn't. Her response was that she was unable to go because she told them she couldn't shoot another human being.

We're Open! Mar. 8th, 2005 @ 06:41 pm
So Jasmine's Coffeehouse (aka - my ultimate dream I've been working on FOREVER) is finally open! Well, at least has been since Valentine's Day. Hence why I have not been able to write so much. Working on a website with pics and such for the Shop. Anthony is definately happier since we're making money and quite busy. Sure beats arguing with this city on a daily basis about some sort of crap.

I think we should use this journal, or create a new one for quotes of the day and weird happenings here at Jasmine's. I think I'll work on the right about....NOW~! Lub, el trout-o :)
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Billie Holiday

Oh Yeah! Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 01:01 am
Oh, yeah, I forgot something I was going to write in the last entry a minute ago. Everyone is up north freezing their asses off in snowstorms and such, while we're down here livin' up the sunshine (although right now its 36 degrees - but its gonna be like 60's & 70s all week after tomorrow).

Their all like, "oh, we're so jealous, blah blah blah," but lemme just remind everyone of this summer, when we were without water and power, and some were even worse off without houses, during our BIG-4 Hurricane Fiasco all freakin' summer. It was like 1000% humidity and everyone just felt like walking around naked, and you couldn't sleep because it was SOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo HOT. Some people couldn't even flush their toilet because they lived with well water. Yikes! I think we all smelled pretty yuckers.

I dunno, though. I really really REALLY hate the cold, and the one year I spent in NYC HAD TO BE 1996 - year of the several blizzards (and I had only seen snow once before that!). So I do feel for all those Yankee peeps up there in the cold.
Current Mood: sympathetic
Current Music: U2 - oldskool
Other entries
» Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Weird Thing of the Day:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

I'm not sure, but yesterday when I was driving around town with Anthony, this chicken with a death wish decided to cross the street right in front of my car. This was just shortly after seeing a vanity plate on some SUV which said "POO ON U" which I found pretty hilarious. Anyways, back to the chicken... Anthony's all like yelling not to stop, like I should just run it over or something, but I stopped anyway. Then a rooster followed as well. Apparently this town is plagued with rebel hens and such. I've heard various rooster caws and people telling me stories of them roosting in their trees, BOC BOCking all night and day, having the animal peeps come out to relocate them. Eventually they've realized they didn't capture all of them, perhaps eggs hatch or something, and multitudes resurface to plague the town. I'm glad theres none in my neighborhood - too many cats and raccoons I suppose. I used to think I was nuts when I'd hear a cock-a-doodle-doo on occasion, however, my fears have now been justified.
Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 12:49 am
» weird dream
So I just woke up with what I would call "THE WEIRDEST DREAM EVER" just now, except for the fact that I know I have had weirder dreams than this.

Anyways, it had something to do with this really interesting wheelchair I invented for people who were paralyzed from the waist down. It wasn't even a wheel chair. It was more of a wheel stand of sorts. It didn't take up as much room as a regular wheel chair and sorta kept the person strapped in a standing position and had this things that kept them from falling fwd & bckwd. Then if they had to sit down, there was this crank thingy that lifted up under them to sit them down. To move around, it wasn't even electric with buttons or anything. It was a series of wheels. Its hard to explain without a diagram - which I will probably forget by tomorrow anyways. Ah, one of a typed journal. If I could only doodle on the screen.
Jan. 12th, 2005 @ 04:44 am
» Something Smells
So I just spent like two hours tryng to customize my journal colors and it still looks like puke to me. Oh well. All this sh*t is new to me, regardless that I am an ex-web designer - how freakin' sad is that, geez!

Christmas rocked. Mi amor Antonio gave me this really amazing piece of jewelry. It's a white gold necklace with two diamond flowers on it. It is gorgeous! It was our 1-yr. anniversary of our engagement on X-mas Eve.

On X-mas Eve, we went to mass with my parents at the mission which was really a nice service (but a lot of crying kids), and then we had a snack dinner of snadwiches with Marcie and my g-ma at their house. It was a lot of fun. We exchanged gifts, and then I came home and started this journal that night (which I am trying to enhance today).

On Christmas day, we went to Anthony's parents house with my parents to Oviedo in Orlando. It rained and rained the whole way, but the Italian meal we received was well worth it (especially his grandmother's cheesecake - it was phenomenal!).

So the coffeehouse will be open one of these days. Its going horribly slow, although we got the renderings of the signs today to take to the city for approval. I hope that works out tom.

I am going to add a "Weird Thing of the Day" to this journal, so even if I don't have much time to write, I'm sure I can jot down the weird thing of the day that happened in my life because weird sh*t always happens to me (generally several times a day). So here goes...

Weird Thing of the Day:
Today after I got out of the shower I opened the cabinet over the toilet and this bottle of "New Skin" jumps out, crashes into the toilet, breaking on the seat of course on the way, and explodes like EVERYWHERE! New Skin is this smelly stuff that comes in this nail polish sort of bottle, and its this gooey stuff you can paint on wounds. I bought it to use when I got this bizarre scrape on my ankle and bandaids would just fall off. So anyways, this bottle is all broken in little bits of glass all over the seat and IN the toilet! (fortunately nothing else was in the commode). So I have to reach in there and pull all the glass out and clean all this goo that has now encompassed our house in this really awful smell. It smells like really strong nail polish. I think its made our cats high. Of course as I'm cleaning this stuff, its getting all over me, its running down my arm, and its drying fast and super sticky. I was sticking to everything I touched and trying to scub it off. I still smell like that stuff. Yuck.

Well, I am tired so I am going to bed now! G-night!
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 11:37 pm
» Poopus Amongus
This entry probably is viewed as totally lame, however, thus is my destiny. I write everything on my personal web page http://www.atlantaartists.com
So I will start writing more personal schtuff in here eventually when I get the time. Lub, P.T.
Dec. 25th, 2004 @ 03:20 am
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