Empress of the Undisired

02:45 am: My apologies
I owe you all an explaination. It's been a year and a month since I've had contact with anyone. Which still scares me now. As none of you know, I've been battling with depression and substance abuse for 2 years. I've been clean for one of those. Some of you caught on quick enough. Others had no idea. I completelly flunked school after missing 54 days in 6 months. It was getting pretty bad.
On May 31 I was taken from my sofa by two strangers and escourted to North Carolina. I spent 2 months in the woods in a wilderness program created for kids like me. After completing that, I was shipped off to an alternative boarding school where I have been for 11 months. I see my folks every 2 months. This is my first time home since.
I'm still me. Ish. Minus the bursts of emo aggrivation and drugs. I'm really into art now ( who new?), fencing, chess, ( before I continue, I have not morphed into a nerd as it may appear), snowboarding, and I've grown my hair out. It's almost normal. I'm only here until Sunday, when I'll fly back. But I wanted to tell you all the truth before I go. I owe it to you.

08:07 pm:

And it's so about time

( Me and many more )

07:09 pm:

11:11 am: ** Dont evencomment on my choice of language. I curse like a mad Irish woman. Gee, I wonder why.....
Right, I'm updating this from Ashleys house, where I crashed last night. Kick ass. We snuck out a couple times to hang with this Nazi- Hottshot and his friend, who's name I keep forgetting so I refer to him as" Jew".  It was fucking great.

10:32 am:

Finally back from Washington! Hurrah! I havent slept for what, like, 3 days?

Newest CD's:

1. Foo Fighters- one by one ( cant wait for " In Your Honor")

2. Weezer- Make Believe

3. The New Pornographers- Matador At Fifteen

4. Interpol- Antics

5. Nine Inch Nails- With Teeth

 

This is what happens when you give me 100$ to either spend on food- or not- in Washington, where everything is cheaper because of taxes.

07:30 am: 3 cheers for mothers day

Ok, first, and most importantlly, I gots me Nine Inch Nail tickets! YOW! ok, so thats quite inmortantKinda makes up for not getting into Audioslave.

 

Ok, well, I'm setting the record for a couple of thing. Yes, this is another list.

1. No, I did not make out with Samantha and I'm sure ass hell not dating her.

2. Yes, I'm in the 9th grade at Smith

3. No, I'm not a crack fiend

4. Yes, High School Guys are so hotter than Middle School guys

5. Yes, I'm STILL with Jake.

 I just realized I hadnt put up any pictures of my board.

Hip Hip Horray.

09:12 pm:

My hair is being its self again. I had ONE good day. Now it looks like a cross between Bon Jovi and Courtney Love gone Irish. Uhg. The creative part of my brain has been kidnapped by ninjas. I cant write any awsome songs and I'm missing my song sheets. I cant turn in my essays and I'm missing all my picks. I'm losing my mock gift here.

Random fact of the day: The plastic tree thats been in my grandmothers house for the past 20 years is acually a fake marijuana bush.

I've been refered to as a drug, a lesbian, and a typical Irish woman multiple times today. My self confidence has been smushed into goo. My vans are falling apart. I'm a mess.

oh! popcorn!

07:19 pm: Chaos is as chaos does.

This week in a list:

1. My father has two years to live.

2. No one reads this thing anymore.

3. Jake and I are not exclusive ( thank god)

4. I have a mother who's famous among a bunch of organized OCD freaks

5. My goldfish, Rasputin, hates my father.

6. I tried bleaching my hair.

7. It worked.

8. A little.

9. I'm truelly, madly, deeply in love with a junior.

Picture of the week: 

I snapped this one in the park the other day. I just thought it ruled. I think most French Woodites and Smith High kids would adore it.

01:38 am: I have until Friday to get a prom date. * gets out butterfly net,facepaint, and blondie cd*. Oh this is war man. Samantha was even asked to go to my prom. She doesnt even go to my High School. Life's a bitch.

My half blind grandmother was on a date last night and she stuck a fork in her eye.

Or maybe it was a spork......

4 THINGS OLDER THAN MY LUCKY CHARMS:

1. Jesus.

2. The sun

3. Time

4. My frosted flakes

Now that my mother's out of town, no one does the shopping. Now I'm hungry and I just broke a tooth because of fucking expired lucky charms.

09:04 am: men arent dogs, their just big puppies.

I duobt many people are going to read this, most of my friends got bored with livejournal anyway. But here it goes. I found out more about my birth mother. She was a fighter pilot, born and raised in Ireland. I was her second child. Ya, special, eh? Oh, and my father's reacting poorlly to his treatment, so he's starting a new one. The doctors say he has 2 years left. 6 at most. Fab. I coulda guessed that. He wants to live his life normally, and I cant blame him. He'll be ok if they find a new treatment, but so far, there isnt much hope. When I was 10 he took me to meet Bono, a prize I won off K Rock. I brought my father because he had once worked with him on a deal. He new my father was  very ill, even then. He patted me on the back and looked at me through those famous sunglasses and for once and it would be the last time, I saw empathy. His father died when he was young. And now, whenever I here that song of his " Sometimes You Cant Make it on Your Own" I just want to break down. I break down because I am alone. When things get bad, my mother normal leaves. Right now she's in California. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. It's been like that since I was little. She was in Nevada when I met Bono.

I got that new job at Doctor Geary's. I'll be working pretty easy hours, leaving me time to do my shift at the hospital. Fab. I mean, the pay is ok, but I'll be so friggin busy. Ahhh.

Oh yeah, I have to admit, I'm VERY hung over. After I got the news last night before the passover thing, I kinda flipped out and split a bottle with this Sophmore at NYU. He was cute, but I dont remember if I did anything with him. I kinda hope I did, and kinda hope I didnt. Way too old for me, but I havent gotten any action in a week. But I look great now, like great that, as Ashley a verify, aproached by strangers and recited peotry to. I recentlly got abbs and my lovelly choker, so that explains it. But if I look so great, why am I stuck with one week to get a fucking prom date. I know I'm new so I didnt have time to prepare, but still. I have some guys who I could go with but nah. I've got a target and you all know how driven I am. If I want something, I'll fight, debate, and massacre.

You know it

03:49 am: Just putting it out there.

ew. I ran into my aunt and her boyfriend ( a taller version of Woody Allen), which was totally akward. Even worse, his name is Stewie, so I bust out laughing every now and then when I see him in the nieghborhood.

01:56 am: mood ring color: Black

What the hell am I playing at?

I'm acually going to get MARRIED. this isnt me. Is it? No, that cant be what I want. I cant waste my life away in some quite suberia with a white picket fence and a dog. I need my space. What about my dreams? Free-lancing in Irland, the peace corps, and all those crazy things I've always wanted to do. I'm setting myself up to be one of those bored couples who've run out of things to talk about. And just look at me. I've got all these men along with me. And I've got all these issues behind me. I was acually thrown out of Trevor by an angry mob!

I just dont know what I want anymore.

But part of me wants a secure life. He's the kinda guy who'd watch out for me. He would get me a warm bed and food every night. He's keep me safe. With all of this going on, I kinda want the good life. And I cant give all of that up now. I cant bare to lose him. And I also cant afford to lose that option.

I always thought I'd be a mom. And I always knew I wanted to be a wife. But I always get bored and I really cant hurt him. And here I am, talking of all these things I cant do, when I cant even make up my fucking mind.

Options:

1.) Burn off all these connections to all of these guys and start fresh and clean.

2.) Marry Jake and have 4 kids in Larchmount.

3.) Break up with Jake, risking the chance to ever be a wife, and sleep around until I die.

05:47 pm:

The world
 forgetting, by the world forgot: Eternal
 sunshine of the spotless mind!  Each
 prayer accepted, and each wish resign'd".

Quote the day, F.Y.I. I thought it was completelly brilliant. Up there with the time my mother pronounced S.P.F as "Spffff". Well anyway, Jake called last night, rather stoned, and anounced to all of his friends that he's marrying me. No one really cared cause the were all high. Then some 45 yr old stopped me on the street and asked if I was submissive or dominate because his wife wanted a threesome. Plus, Luke gave me his baseball cap. Oh, and I saw Jason, which was odd.

You're Clementine! You're very fun and creative and have a very magnetic personality, but you might be projecting an image to the world without even really knowhing who you are.

I blame the dog collar.

05:39 pm:

You May Be a Bit Schizotypal ...

A bit odd and socially isolated. You couldn't care less of what others think. And some of your beliefs are a little weird. Like that time you thought you were Jesus.

09:19 pm: Weeeezah- Henry

 

And it's about time. I just read this piece by Nathaniel Hawthorne and I'm finally starting to see what a completelly sexist asshole he really was. And it bothers me. In " Young Goodman Brown" he pretty much states that woman can be possesed and dependant. It's just harsh. And his woman that he writes about are always pretty and frail. It majorlly bothers me. So now I'm gonna go and watch " Kill Bill"

08:03 pm:

Congrats Melanie and Lauren and Asher and Henry, the only ones to get any right.

here's the list:

1. Jake- current boyfriend and quite a decent kisser/drummer/cook/6 pack.

me: what are you thinking about right now?

Jake: Katchup......

2. Spencer- Smith High Spencer, that is.

spencer: *shakes water bottle* It's like half empty!

me: *shakes vitamin water* Ha! mines fully loaded!

spencer: I'll give you something fully loaded

me: Talk is cheap, doll.

Spencer: *gah*

*  que music *

3. Asher- Yeah, you've found yourself onto my list. But with all that hair spaz and pimple drugs, your probably not gonna last long, dear. It's a harsh world out there...on my...lists things.....

4. Jason- Just for old times sake. Good job. Have a cookie.

5. Luke-  The only guy out there who you can rent Dawn of the Dead with and then eat pizza and beat each other up without getting sexual. Which sucks for me.

6. That guy- Skateboarding cutie from Central Park.

Me: *looks at "That guys" ass as he skates by*

Mel: Oh! I know who's on your list! *points* That guy!

Bravo Melanie Rachel Kern. Bravo.

Well, did you REALLY expect for me to give all my secrets away on my blog? Well, I gotta keep SOME to myself. If you havent noticed, there someone missing from the list o_0. I guess we'll just NEVER know.

 

10:01 pm: Right, me, Maite, and Ash are chilling.
Ashley: Wait you dont know where my dog is?

Me *waving drumstick about*: HIPPOGRIFF!

Miate: *Sticks finger in icing* hmmm. *blink* *cracks up*

Jake hasnt called back.

UPDATE ON HUNT: One of them I'm dating and one I dated.

08:18 pm:

Wow. Officially reached Samantha statis oh whore-ness. I'm crushing on *counts in head* 7 guys. I wont tell you who, but I want you to guess. Like a hunt. First person to get them all gets either a) an expensive coffee at starbucks or b) my first born. But the point is, about *counts*4 like me back.

Oh, mel, remember that song from seaseme street? In a new commercial! Hurray!

05:19 am: Grandmother (drunk): "CAN I GET MY FUCKING MARTINI YOU BASTARDS" me: Grandma it came 3 times already

Right, all my life I've been a sucker for a cute smile and tall guys. I never honestly thought I'd fall this hard for a guy. I mean, he's not that bad and all. He's quite dreamy in my opinion. long-ish blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'0, incredible charm, drummer, metal head, actor, and an icredible kisser. Catch: He's 16 and lives 1000 miles away ( I never acually counted, but he's in Massachusetes.) Which leaves these problems:

1. Where he lives, he could be charged with rape for nailing me.

2. He's still the typical over horney  teenage guy.

3. His parents hate me and want him to date this chick named Sophie.

4. Sophie's hott.

All of the above had lead to this fight we had last night, as you all might know. We did get back together, but in some akward way, I'm still a little hurt. I wish I had something light and funny to say like Asher or Laurens lj, but until tomorrow my first day as the youngest chick at high school, things are a little...grey. But tomorrow should be extremelly awful, so check in then.

Shout-outs

Asher, sooner or later I'm going to need to steal your jokes.

Mel, call me back biotch.

Quitoni, - "I'm not your fucking mother!" best movie. ever.

Brodey, yes you, credit for the song I'm listening to. Thanks :)

 

12:29 am: hurt/used/rejected/angry/resentfull/replaced/alone/sick/vengful/broken/in love all over again.

Tonight has been the hellish start of the rest of my single up-to-a-month-atleast. I think.

 

That probably made no sence so allow me to start again. I think me and Jake are going to call it quits. It's complicated. I wont call it official until tomorrow, when we're going to talk it over, but hello, long distance relationship. I know alot of ou are glad about that, but I've been eating lucky charms and barelly left my bed. Life has truelly sucked. He's probably cheating on me with Sophie, and I cant honestly blame him. The distance is rough. It's just a little hard to see him go, after he bought me a ring and all. It's all a little surreal.

So now I need a really good break-up song to listen to and I need to get a hold. I need Kate and Leo. I need chocolate. Give me exactlly the rest of my life and I may get lucky enough to get over him. But I probably wont EVER get that lucky. I know we wont be together forever, I'm just not ready yet.

If thats not happy enough, dad's going back into surgery. Scar tissue prob. Oh, and moms got skin cancer. Ashleys grounded. Melanie hasnt called me back in what, 2 days? I woulda told her all of this first, but she wont pick up her god damned phone.

Give me one good reason not to throw myself infront of a moving delivery boy. I dare you.