Valentine's top 70, 2005
Posted today because I'm leaving town & wanted you all to have something to aid your romantic weekend(s).

Yes, there are usually 50, but it's been a banner year. I hope you people appreciate the dating hell I go through for YOUR AMUSEMENT. :)

Read & weep.

1) Never trust someone who never cries.

2) Never trust someone who cries at the drop of a hat, either.

3) For the love of God, wash your hands after you use the bathroom. Ew. Just... ew.

4) If you're going to leave a rose at my doorstep, please make sure it's not from my yard.

5) When the person you're with starts referring to your relationship as "that whole monogamy thing", it's over.

6) Oddly, spending the morning at a clinic while your date has a near fatal asthma attack is not as fun as it sounds. Worse yet is discovering that you've accidentally gone to an STD clinic, and they can't treat him.

7) No matter how many years it's been, you never want to hear that your ex-boyfriend walked down a runway in a catsuit and, at the end, peed in a catbox.

8) What are sweet lies called that are told in the nightclub bathroom in which you're having sex? Sink talk?

9) I want a disease even less than you want to wear a condom.

10) You might want to save using a girl's underwear as a gag & choking her with your belt as a second, or even third, date activity. Otherwise, there's no build-up.

11) The amount of bullshit I have to tolerate is inversely proportional to my mating options. If I can have anyone I want, I don't have to put up with any of your bullshit. Bear this in mind before pulling any.

12) Men - women are not impressed that you can fuck for 3 hours. We would MUCH rather you did it right for half an hour.

13) Your inability to express emotion really shouldn't be a matter of pride, and it's only going to make me assume you don't have feelings.

14) If you have the same name as a sibling of the person you're hitting on, you should probably just give up.

15) If you ask the nice man at the hardware store which kind of hardware would support the weight of two very mobile people, don't be surprised when he asks what you're doing later.

16) Shower at least once in between lovers. It's the polite thing to do.

17) At some point, you're going to have to stop making excuses for your lover's behavior and just accept that they're an asshole (thank you jwz).

18) You can buy three hamburgers for a dollar but then you have to eat them. Never compromise quality or confuse it with availability. (submitted by khephra)

19) When I tell you that an acquaintance/friend has been killed, I might need up to 20 minutes of recovery time before you fish around for a booty call. Maybe even more.

20) Before passing out above the covers naked with a belt wrapped around your neck and a lover wrapped around you, make sure no one else in the room has a camera.

21) When you start vying to sleep at their house so you don't mess up your sheets, the cons officially outweigh the pros. End it.

22) Pink welding gloves are a surprisingly romantic gift.

23) Losing interest when someone doesn't pay enough attention to you is a brilliant self-defense mechanism.

24) Dating someone without their own transportation is a serious pain in the ass.

25) Using your income to hit on someone is tacky. Hitting on someone by saying you make $65k is tacky AND sad.

26) Flirting-by-way-of-insult got old after 5th grade.

27) Poor grammar - not sexy. To wit.

28) If I have known you more than a year and we haven't slept together, STOP HITTING ON ME. Stop grabbing me, touching me, and hovering expectantly near me while either of us are drunk hoping for scraps or sloppy seconds. There aren't enough horse tranquilizers in the world.

29) Ladies - don't ever call a man's motorcycle "cute". Especially if yours is bigger than his.

30) Someone who can't admit publicly that they're seeing you clearly doesn't deserve to be seeing you.

31) Saying "I can have whatever I want, whenever I want it," is a pretty hot pick-up line, as long as it's true.

32) If your mantra, when someone flakes on you, is "he'd better be dead, or in jail", and you find later that the latter has, indeed, occurred, you'd better be prepared to forgive & forget.

33) Ladies - I am not after your boyfriend. ****ing get over it.

34) The more you hit on me, the less attractive you become.

35) Of the two kinds of drama, out-in-the-open fighting beats passive-aggressive seething every day.

36) Guys - that whole "head-nudging" unsubtle thing is really annoying. We know you want your dick sucked, and will get around to it when we are damned good & ready.

37) Don't ask "when was the last time you got [insert lewd euphemism here] like that?" unless you are 150% sure you want the answer.

38) If the dog starts pawing at the door to be let out while you & your partner are having sex, it is better to interrupt what you're doing & let it out than to have your post-coital bliss interrupted by the sound of it peeing on the floor.

39) Road rage? Not sexy.

40) A wise person once said "the only consistent factor in all your failed relationships is you."

41) Truly intelligent people don't have to constantly go around reminding everyone how smart they are.

42) Cheating is just plain rude. There are enough different types of relationships available that there's no excuse for it.

43) Ride it like you stole it. Fuck like you're having an affair.

44) First impressions are invaluable. There's a reason that guy didn't seem attractive until after 3 cosmos & a long day. Now get your skirt on & run.

45) Getting married is like getting a tattoo. It's never too late to do it, and if you change your mind later you can try to take it back & pretend it didn't happen but the scarring is permanent.

46) You don't win anything when you argue semantics.

47) My favorite term for people who make a habit of dating my ex's is "bottom feeder".

48) This isn't my high school carpool. Don't honk. Get your ass out of the car and ring the doorbell.

49) Everyone makes noise when they chew. When the sound of your lover chewing is like a cow chewing cud and makes you frustrated beyond belief, it's over.

50) Don't make any serious relationship decisions during PMS.

51) If you're too good to drink PBR, you're too good to date me.

52) If you don't have a phone, don't get all bitchy when you get e-dumped.

53) Settling for half of what you want hurts a lot more than walking away from it altogether.

54) If you're in the habit of carrying condoms with you, make sure you do not also carry anything pointy or sharp in the same compartment.

55) Men: we ladies do not hook up for your benefit. We do it because we like it. Therefore, do not get snippy when it doesn't involve you.

56) If you have a serious fear of commitment, it's easier to break up with someone you REALLY REALLY care about than it is to end a fling.

57) When you & your [insert term here] have your first falling out, it will be impossible not to forgive him if he says, "Well, I asked my mom what she thought about it..." Especially if he is big & beefy and hasn't lived at home in a decade.

58) Usually when I'm freaking out about someone new & I take a step back I realize it's not so much that I REALLY REALLY like them, it's that I REALLY REALLY hate being rejected.

59) If, the first time you are hooking up with a friend, you are so drunk you need to go to the bathroom & puke and you use their toothbrush afterwards, you must never, ever tell them.

60) If you're dating a good friend of mine & you tell her you want to tap my ass... it will not get you laid. By me at least. And it'll diminish your chances of success with her.

61) Never underestimate the value of a dear friend who will take you out on a real date and only demand incredibly hot sex in exchange.

62) News flash - if calling when you say you'll call, showing up when you say you'll show up, and feigning interest are too much effort, you have no business being involved with someone.

63) I don't know what it is with all the spam in my inbox but, guys, the LESS you ejaculate, the more likely we are to swallow.

64) Convincing a pin up model that she is overweight in order to boost your own self esteem is a terrible plan and is certain to backfire (Submitted by bar_butterfly, my partner in crime(s)).

65) 1200 thread count sheets will get you laid. like. crazy.

66) Of all the reasons for using a condom with someone, their recurring heroin habit is the least preferred.

67) A true gentleman will wipe off the sink in a public bathroom before he throws you up against it to have his way with you.

68) Back hair is NOT HOT. If your girlfriend tells you it is, it's because she's trying to ensure other women won't hit on you.

69) Pursuant to #68 - removal of body hair should be done with wax or lasers. Chest stubble = not sexy.

70) Every one of the married couples whose relationships I have faith in (I can count these on two hands) have the sweet habit of reading to each other.


And from Eco -
He who falls in love in bars doesn't need a woman all his own. He can always find one on loan.

When you hang out in bars, the drama of love isn't the women you find, but the women you leave.

And from Homer (Simpson) -
I didn't lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth!

For your amusement or boredom relief,

2004
1) "I see no evidence of that" is a perfectly valid response to "I love you".

2) That insecure-geek one-upmanship thing? Not sexy. The opposite of sexy, in fact.

3) Any comparison to previous lovers, positive or negative, is in poor form. What quicker way to get me to think of your former lovers than by saying "This is the best sex I've ever had"?

4) Household cleaning devices - not an acceptable romantic gift.

5) Once the thought "Maybe he won't speak until we get into bed and the lights are out" crosses your mind perhaps a new lover is in order.

6) A man who is spending more $$ on pr0n than he is on you is NOT your boyfriend. Don't get confused on this point.

7) The easiest way to ensure not getting lied to is by not asking questions.

8) Q: How many people have you slept with?
A: Enough to know, not enough to know better.
That is ALL ANYONE needs to know. Why are they asking to begin with?

9) No one but NO ONE will love you like a gutter punk boy.

10) No one but NO ONE will give you more heartache than a gutter punk boy.

11) The only viable excuse for missing Incredibly Strange Wrestling is, apparently, new sex. Not always worth it, though.

12) Being single when you're sick is a lonely feeling. Dating someone who doesn't come take care of you when you're sick is an even lonelier one.

13) Tequila Rose = Liquid Panty Remover. Purchase some now. Works for both sexes.

14) You are doing yourself a grave disservice by faking an orgasm.

15) Watching your lover do blow off a cd case while you catch up in your journal does not qualify as a date.

16) In the event there was any doubt, "I smoked crack with a bum on the way home" is not what you want to hear in response to "What did you do after work?"

17) "What's wrong with getting drunk in the car before going out? It's cheaper!" is an acceptable line of logic. WHEN YOU'RE 15.

18) Do not ever expect to usurp a pet's place in the heart of a lover. The day I feed & house you and expect nothing in return when you don't even do the dishes is the day I start dating homeless speed freaks again. Besides, no way are you as cute and non-problematic as my pets.

19) Someone who insults your friends or family, even in jest, should be kicked out into the cold.

20) If you're interested in someone but can't figure out whether they're gay or straight, seriously consider whether you want to date someone that you can't figure out if they're gay or straight.

21) Surprisingly enough "I've seen you naked before" is a perfectly effective way to get someone to sleep naked with you.

22) When someone says "I want to take you to my favorite restaurant," and at the end of the meal says "do you want to give me cash or put it on your card?" it wasn't a date. So there's no "second" date.

23) Olfactory glands are the work of the devil. Even the worst relationship can be remembered with affection upon the finding of an old shirt in the bottom of your closet.

24) Even platonic male friends will get a look of terror on their face if you bang on their door yelling "You my baby's daddy! Open the damned door!!" Seconds of entertainment.

25) When someone proposes, be sure you ask "what's in it for me?" before laughing & saying no.

26) If you've just met someone and you find yourself talking to them for 6 hours until almost dawn it's a safe bet that if you throw them up against your car and kiss them they won't object. They'll be too tired.

27) If the woman you're with actually fell for the lines "come on, I'll just put it in for a little bit" or "but it feels so good!" when someone tried to go unprotected, then there is a good chance she's a shameless ho, and you wouldn't want to swim in the dirty water. (this entry edited by khephra.)

28) Swallowing pride is a good idea. Swallowing dignity is the last thing you should do. To wit - weeping, begging messages=NO.

29) Any person you're dating should have a room of their own with a door that closes. This may seem basic but... you'd be surprised.

30) Being on a pedestal is fun. If you're posing for an art class.

31) Be 10x more careful than you think you need to be about giving your house key to a lover.

32) All the symbolic gestures and professions of "I love you" in the world can't measure up to simply being supported when it's needed.

33) Talent and intensity are some intense, powerful, and often horribly, horribly misleading aphrodisiacs.

34) Rules are made to be broken. Standards aren't.

35) All the guessing, watching of hand and eye movement, analysis of exact words, mind games and playing-hard-to-get in the world cannot replace the ability to just ask a question and deal with the answer. Bear in mind, though, that you may have to contend with #7.

36) The odds of a drunken hook-up flowering into a beautiful, long-term relationship are in the neighborhood of 1,000,000:1. Bear this in mind while trying to decide whether to stay until morning or get your clothes on & run.

37) Never date someone who is resentful of your successes.

38) If you send someone flowers for no reason (ie not because you've been fighting) and they don't call to say thank you... RUN!

39) If you date a vegan, you get what you deserve.

40) Ambition is sexier than 10 million in your bank account.

41) Women don't "fall" for pick-up lines. They know before you open your mouth whether or not they'll go home with you. Don't be mislead into thinking some witty comment or other will convince her.

42) Regarding #41 - there are, however, plenty of things you can say to get a woman to change her mind about going home with you. So, when in doubt... shut up.

43) When your life begins strongly to resemble the plot of "Dangerous Liaisons", it is time to SLOW DOWN.

44) Can't we all just agree to fall asleep after sex? Or at least... good sex?

45) Valentine's day is evidence of the existence of hell.

46) Don't ask a woman what kind of motorcycle she rides if you're not going to be able to interpret the answer once she tells you.

47) When a woman asks what kind of motorcycle you ride, don't answer "an Italian one", assuming she will not be able to interpret the answer once you tell her.

48) A great man once said "I draw the line at the pee, the poo, and the animals". These are good guidelines, unless you're nightrider.

49) Why are the pretty ones always insane?

50) Mom always said... Time wounds all heels. And Mom was always right.

2003
1) Never date a man with another woman's initials/name carved or tattooed anywhere on his body, unless that woman is his mother, and she's dead.

2) If a lover claims not to be able to go down on you because their tongue is too short, it's a lie. This advice is especially helpful to virgins in the audience as that's what I was when I fell for this one.

3) If someone you are dating shows up with hickeys on their person, consider whether you can recover from this. Monogamy/poly doesn't matter.

4) Never, ever attempt to teach your lover to drive a stick shift.

5) Men who don't drink coffee can't be trusted (present company excepted, you know whom you are).

6) Women should not date men who take longer to get ready in the morning than they do.

7) Never believe a man who claims that drinking will make him last longer. He might think it lasts longer. That is different, but not accurate.

8) You're doing a man (and his future lovers) a disservice by faking an orgasm.

9) When a lover gets angry with you for stopping by while he's "studying" to bring soup, YOU ARE BEING CHEATED ON. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

10) Size matters.

11) Sex on the hood of a car is a lot less sexy than it sounds.

12) If someone says "ew" or "gross" to you at any point during sex, you are under no obligation to continue. No matter what the excuse.

13) New regulation says that you can say "no" AT ANY POINT during the sexual act, and if the person you're with doesn't stop, it's rape. This is especially helpful knowledge when it comes to hate-fucking.

14) That thing about watching the way men treat their mothers to get an indication of how they'll treat the women they're dating? IT'S TRUE. And if he claims his mother is a bitch and that's why he treats her badly... well, that's DEFINITELY something to look at, now, isn't it?

15) When relaying amusing sexual stories, it is important to NOT USE NAMES.

16) When you are dating someone who starts playing Civilization upwards of 8 hours a day (and drinking all of your high-end coffee) the relationship is effectively over. Sorry.

17) Likewise, when you tell someone you need your space and they call your family & friends several times over the course of a day, in addition to calling you 4-5 times over the course of the same day, they are unclear on the concept past the point of help. Give up.

18) When a lover checks your underwear while doing wash to see if you've been unfaithful, the relationship is effectively over. Sorry.

19) Never date someone with a framed picture of Hitler in their bedroom & a bunch of WWII Mausers under the bed. It doesn't matter how good the sex is.

20) Never become engaged to someone you've known less than 24 hours.

21) Screw that, never become engaged.

22) If you do become engaged, don't tell your family until it's been more than 3 months.

23) If you bite the bullet and move in with someone, have your own room. Not necessarily your own bedroom, but your own room. I don't care how in love you think you are.

24) When your mother looks at you and says "these men are serious", perhaps she has a point.

25) When your boyfriend falls asleep and can't be awakened, knows how to assemble his shotgun in the dark and then does so, storing it under your bed, he may be a speed addict.

26) Do not allow your parents to have your lover's #, and v-v.

27) Fire escapes are prime targets for stalkers. Even if it means dying a smokey, fiery death, consider having yours removed.

28) In poly relationships, attempt to not have too incestuous a group of lovers. This is a hotbed for drama.

29) A man who insists on spending weekends with his parents in order to do laundry does not own scissors for his apron strings.

30) A lover who ignores you when you cry should not be called "lover", but perhaps "asshole I tolerate because the sex is hot". And if the sex isn't hot, some re-evaluation is in order.

31) This may seem obvious, but if your lover cheated on their previous lover with you, you will suffer the same fate.

32) When you're 15, a lover who hangs out in coffee shops all the time playing chess & discussing philosophy is hot. When you're 25, it's scary and a little pathetic.

33) Do not date a man who uses a .22 to shoot at mice.

34) Do not date someone from West Virginia.

35) If a parent dies & after six months your lover says "shouldn't you be starting to get over this by now?", there is no fixing the situation. JUST RUN.

36) When you go to fluff your pillow at your lover's house and you discover a gun under the pillow, exercise some caution.

37) If you are an inherently monogamous/jealous/insecure person... DO NOT ATTEMPT A POLY RELATIONSHIP. I don't care how strong you think you are. You will be miserable.

38) If you are a woman dating a man who is made very uncomfortable because you are stronger/a better fighter than he is (typically in sexist/misogynistic men), it is your right & duty to beat him up & teach him a lesson.

39) Be sure to establish a safe "signal" before using a ball gag. This will prevent uncomfortable/scary experiences.

40) If you have to request that your lover shower/brush teeth/exercise general good hygiene, consider how important this is to you & proceed from there.

41) Never date a person who mistreats animals.

42) A man who remembers anniversaries, holidays, etc. and makes romantic plans for them is worth hanging on to. He may also be gay, so be wary.

43) Don't date anyone who doesn't like the Simpsons. Unless, of course, you don't like the Simpsons... in which case... why are you reading this?

44) If you are dating someone, and you ask them what's wrong, and they say "nothing", END OF CONVERSATION. Any pouting/sighing/silences are to be ignored after this point!

45) Recently acquired knowledge - more fights occur in yellow rooms (thanks, hvyhvymonster). Bear this in mind while having it out with your lover. Make sure there aren't knives in said room.

46) Women are nuts. Men are clueless. The sooner we can all accept this, the better it will be for all of us.

(added later)
47) Women's instincts are very rarely wrong. It's ok for a guy to have females or even ex-girlfriends as friends. It is NOT ok for a guy to have a female friend/ex-girlfriend who consistently gives you dirty looks & makes snipey remarks to you behind your boyfriend's back. It is doubly not ok for a boyfriend to tell you you're crazy when you complain about this.

48) Of these traits - 1) good-looking 2) good in bed 3) good conversationalist 4) compassionate - a lover must possess 2. If it's 3 & 4, consider a nice benign friendship.

49) Conversation is not a necessity, and can frequently be considered a detriment.

50) Being an observant lover (noticing favorite movies, colors, foods, etc.) can bring your relationship to new heights. Likewise, having to be beaten over the head before noticing things like haircuts and fresh paint jobs on cars & apartments will set your lover to wondering exactly what it is to which you DO pay attention. are the 2004 & 2003 lists, respectively.

If you recognize yourself in any of these and we've dated... it's probably you. At least I adhered to 2003's rule #15.