Phoenix's Journal

11:53pm: Bye LJ!!!
from now on all my blogging will be done on myspace.

http://profiles.myspace.com/users/14346167

10:19pm: well, i guess its been a while since i updated this thing. ive been told by a certain someone that im slacking, so here it goes.

been working hard at alot of things lately, and surprizingly enough, work isnt one of them. been trying to quit smoking (yay me!), trying to repair my marriage, and trying to just become an overall better person. ive decided to start eating healthier and keep myself in good shape. its amazing how out of shape you can get, even being a marine. i just feel like i need to live a better life now. maybe its because of all the recent deaths, whether it be in friends' families or in the tv/movie/music world (God save you Dimebag). i just think its about time i started taking care of myself again.

in other news, i was supposed to go up to fresno this weekend to see my roommate's family, but i think i may cancel. my original reasons for going have kind of been thrown out the window (i love you kathy!), so im prolly just gonna hold down the fort and try to clean up this mees we call an apartment. to all those who will be doing something for the holidays, best wishes and have fun.

i have been trying to put together a list of improvements i need to make in several areas of my life, and as anyone would, im having a hard time thinking of all my faults and such. so please, if you stumble upon this and know of something i could possibly work on (besides my typing), feel free to comment and inform me. all suggestions will be taken into consideration, and i will not judge anyone by the statements made.

therapy has been going rather well, although my therapist and i have gone over so much our talks have been reduced to pretty much a "how was your week" type deal. i do have alot more to talk about, but i want to do that with someone who has always wanted me to open up to them. i do like that i have solved several problems and answered many questions i have had about myself and what has been controlling me these past 5 years or so, but i need to talk to kathy about these things, because overall i truly believe that she can help me more than anyone else.

as for now, i think i will just focus on my physical health, and when she decides to come out here, we can focus on my mental health, if need be.


out.

10:56pm: as my visit comes to a close, i would like to reflect upon the events that have made it worthwhile. i got to see many of my high school friends, and play many hours of halo2. i got to talk to a few of my mentors, the ones who helped me get through high school and such. i saw my family who has loved and cared for me my whole life. and i saw one person who has meant the world to me for quite some time, someone i will love and cherish always, no matter what happens. for those of you who i missed seeing and/or speaking to, i am sorry i couldnt get everywhere in this short time period. i love you all and wish you the best. for now i must pack and ready myself for the journey back. happy holidays, and goodnight.

out.

5:50pm: OMG!!!
this guy is good...

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mariopiano.wmv

5:14pm: yes i am home. come see me dammit!

that is all...

out.

12:41am: HALO 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all.

out.

10:33pm: omfg what a day!
so all this week ive been excited bc my roommate's sister in law was coming down. she got in on thursday, and i was going nuts with nervous cleaning and occupying myself. she's really sweet, and she has a two month old son who i love to death. i thought maybe we could mesh pretty well, and we did click pretty much from the start. but, alas, i must fuck up as always. friday was just a normal friday, sitting around watching movies an such. today, though, was different. we went to knott's berry farm, which for those of you who dont know is a small amusement park. we had a good day, and i was getting along with her very well. after we left though. i started to feel a little funny. we went to olive garden for dinner, and it was packed. i felt really wierd while we were there, and i realized I HADNT BEEN MEDICATED FOR TWO DAYS!!! suddenly it all crashed. we went home, and i frantically searched for my pills. i took them, but it was too late. i had a massive panic attack right in front of her and i scared the hell outta everyone. i feel okay now, but it lasted an incredibly long time for some reason. it took an hour of walking and a pack of smokes to finally calm me down, and now im left with a massive headache and a freaked out single mother in the other room. damn, im just fucking awesome. that is all.

out.

11:23am: therapy is fun!
i just got back from my therapist a few minutes ago. we had a nice little conversation on what might be causing all the problems in my life. i won't discuss exactly what (or who) it is that we touched on, but needless to say i made a few more realizations that if seen earlier could have spared me alot of trouble. we talked a little about religion and such, relationships, etc. and it was very relieving. im going back next week for more, and i think i shall be looking forward to these sessions for quite some time.

on a side note i should be coming back to tn for thanksgiving, and it would be nice to see some faces and engage in a little conversation, or perhaps recreational activities. anywho, should be home around the 20th.

out.

5:17pm: Yes!!! I am the ultimate good! Bow to me!

Ki-lin

A mythical being of Chinese mythology, comparable
with the western unicorn. Ki-lin personifies
all that is good, pure, and peaceful. It lives
in paradise and only visits the world at the
birth of a wise philosopher. The Ki-Lin is
said to walk on earth and on water. It never
drinks or eats dirty food or water. The Chinese
unicorn never treads on smaller animals below
its feet nor does it ever harm another living
creature. The Ki-Lin is the emblem for
exquisite goodness, longevity, grandeur,
endless compassion and great wisdom. According
to Chinese mythology, at the birth of Confucius
a Ki-Lin appeared and Confucius died soon after
a Ki-Lin was killed, he believed that his
writings would not proceed from the omen of the
death of the Unicorn.



Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

9:10pm: Yankees Suck
SOX WIN!!! SOX WIN!!! THE CURSE IS BROKEN!!!

9:07pm:
You're Seras Victoria. You're new to being a
vampire, and it's hard to grow out of your
mortal habits, but you'll adjust soon enough.


Which Hellsing character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

11:35pm: what a waste...
well, yet another weekend of nothingness has passed. i really need some excitement in my life. i have all this new energy and nothing to expend it on. maybe i should take up a new hobby. suggestions?

11:17pm: the boy blunder strikes again
well, it seems as though i have managed to ruin yet another opportunity with stupidity and lies. ah well, thats what therapy is for. im not going to let it pull me down though, i now truly have a fresh start, and there is no longer anything to keep me from living my life exactly how i want. what i just did will probably piss pretty much everyone off, and you will never hear my side of the story, so dont worry about it. im done with the old me. i have just reconciled the last of my wrong-doings, and its time to begin a new day.

2:31pm: ummm...squee!
so i am now in the recovery stage of what had to be the worst wake up call of my life. i have enrolled in counseling and am on medication. i am already feeling much better about many things, making numerous realizations about my past, and making changes for my future. it feels really good to actually know what is wrong with me, and to finally have a solution. i feel like a new person, and i am going to try and live a better life now that i have found some answers. i would like to sincerely thank everyone who helped me, befriended me, and put up with me throughout my life. hopefully now i can be a better friend, relative, loved one, protector, keeper, and helper to all. out.

12:30am: what is my problem???
i retracted the previous entry due to the mental state i was in.

12:43am: its trevortime...
so a little updating to do. im not going overseas (i hate whoever sets me up with this shit) anymore. instead im going out to beautiful 29 palms to play rag-head for a bunch of grunts. let the fun begin **rolls eyes**.
i now have the actual papers, i just have to mail them next week.
i live out in town with a buddy now, which is nice b/c i can close a door and be alone again. my sociophobia is getting worse, and tonight i wanted to kill myself at the baseball game. i felt so sick and paranoid cuz there were so many people. i thought i got over it, but it seems to be fighting for control over my social persona again. im starting to distance myself from people again too. i just cant figure out why though. i feel okay most of the time, but i get out in public and suddenly life is terrible and i want to curl up into a ball and die. oh well, such is life.
anyway, the padres won 6-5 over the d'backs, and the end of summer fireworks show was nice. i like being able to go places for free. thank you george w bush.
oh, and i might vote this year, for the first time. that means NO ONE has any excuse not to.

9:34pm: wow, yet another change...
this week i have been training for another degree belt in my martial arts for the corps. so far its just been review, except that we got to box today. five minutes is long, tiring, and painful when attempting to beat someone senseless and at the same time keep from being beaten. but it was fun, and afterwards you feel relieved of a lot of stress and have an overall sense of satisfaction in knowing you caused someone meaningless physical pain.

in other news, my divorce seems to be going swimmingly after they lost my original papers and decided to expedite the process this time around. friday i am supposed to go and meet with my paralegal to discuss the service of the papers to kathy. one bad thing about that though, is the fact that friday morning i am also supposed to move my barracks room to another building due to "renovations." yeah, right. but i am hoping that i can move my room quickly and get to meet with the paralegal before its too late and i have to wait until next week.

another change in plans... it seems that i may be deploying after all, but not for war purposes. i have been asked to go on float (ride a big boat to various places around the globe) with MSSG-13. it will be nice, considering i will finally get out of the country, besides going to tijuana anyway, and get to see different places. some stops include thailand, australia, the phillipines, the middle east of course, and a few others i cant remember atm. the only problem is getting the big D finished soon.

6:06pm: Bravo Bungie/Microsoft, Bravo!
So, in case the rest of you arent hardcore halo fans as i am, there has been a phenom going on known as ilovebees.com. it originated in the halo 2 trailer released a while back. in the credits, when bungie's website shows up, there is a temporary flash of a site called ilovebees.com. although it was subliminal, several people took the hint and visited the page. on the page, which appears at first to be legitimate, there are signs of some type of corruption. there is a message prompting you to go to a link, which puts you in some girls blog. you find yourself at a plea for information regarding web page "hijackers". in the weeks past, this has unfolded to be the single greatest publicity stunt/alternate reality game i have ever seen. there is an ongoing quest to answer random payphones across the US pertaining to gps coordinates and times. when you answer the call and the short pqi that ensues, you activate what is called an axon. when so many of these axons are "HOT" it opens a link to a sound clip. these sound clips are joined i order to form a story, which is of unknown importance so far. many theories have been floating around about why and what this is actually for. im confused, but its amazing how many thousands of halo fans are participating in this little "game". just thought i would throw that out, as i have been working with these people searching for text hidden in the html and source code of the images on the pages. i am assuming this is Bungie Corp.'s work, b/c they have been known to do these things in their pre-halo past. anywho, just thought i would put it out in case anyone else has been following this.

8:22pm: "I'll show you my boobs if you let me through..."
So this weekend was phenominal. I did security for a concert in San Diego called Street Scene. its pretty much just a gaggle of different bands that come together for a couple days and just play. there were three stages playing three different types of music. at the time-warner stage they had rock bands, the captain morgan stage had rap, and the best buy stage had raggae.

Friday night i got stuck next to the captain morgan bar, which wasnt actually that bad, considering the majority of the people in that area were female. it was also cool because i got to see Social D and AFI. I actually met Ludacris, which was the shit. I happened to have to piss at just the right time to walk out the gate as he drove by. i waved at him and he stopped and said hey. i saw about a dozen sets of boobs (its amazing what a girl will do for a bottle of water), got felt up like crazy, and babysat drunk people. Everyone wanted to piss next to the fence for some reason, so i had potty patrol for a while. i busted some 50+ year old hippies toking up by the bar, but they were cool about it and put it away before i had to tell the police. afterwards we missed the trolley and had to walk about 3 miles back to our cars. on the way we rode in grocery carts and put road cones in the middle of traffic. i know, i know, its juvenile, but its fun!

Saturday night i was at the beer garden next to the best buy stage, which was good and bad. i got to see hella people, but i was at the exit and had to control alcohol going out of the garden. i got to be an asshole, which was fun cuz they couldnt touch me or i had authorization to use "unarmed manipulation" techniques on them. the bad part about being over there was the fact that the Marley bros. were playing that night, and we all know what follows a Marley concert. hopefully i wont have to take a drug test soon, cuz i smelled it all night. i got to see the Foo Fighters warm up before the concert started, which was awesome b/c i was about 10 feet from the stage. i made some drunk friends who kept me company while i was standing in the EXACT SAME SPOT for 5 hours. by the time i was done, i had a pile of beer cups half way up to my knees, beer and liquor all over me, and a back ache from hell. but it was worth it, cuz we had a lot of fun.

10:25pm: blah...
So my first day back at the shop wasnt too bad. i actually did some work, though. i had to rewire my truck because the guys who did it last wrapped some wires around the steering shaft. idiots. i did a few more things, including putting some new batteries in. hopefully it will start tomorrow so i can figure out what else is wrong and get it done soon. work is such a pain sometimes. i hate fixing other peoples screw-ups. guess i could have picked a better line of work, huh? at least i have benefits though.
other than work it was a pretty boring day. i somehow ended up getting mailed my mom's car note instead of mine today though, which was funny, but also annoying because they messed up something for me yet again.
i played my guitar a little today as well, still working on learning the basic chords. hoping to get at least decent at it, that way i can have something to do when im bored besides stare at a screen and exercise my thumbs. i always loved writing songs and it would be nice to have a little bit of music to accompany my lyrics.

5:20pm: It's been awhile...
Yeah, yeah, i know i havent done any updating in awhile, but i have good reasons. i have been in north carolina for almost two months, as well as going to the rifle range this past week. i havent done much of anything lately besides that, just the usual wasting of my hard earned money for no reason. after debating several thousand times, i do believe that i will no longer be going to iraq anytime soon. im so tired of getting the run-around from everyone. they cant even do my paperwork right anymore. i have to go and do everything for the divorce over again, which sucks. but hey, i cant expect much from a group of morons posing as a legal office. anyway, i finally got around to buying a new book. which for those of you who know my reading habits, is amazing. nothing else really going on, just trying to maintain that small bit of sanity that remains somewhere locked deep in my psyche and stay alive. all my friends are going to iraq, and i will be left alone to run the shop, so i am pretty screwed. being in charge of a bunch of marines who havent been in for more than six months is not my idea of a good way to work on my leadership skills. especially when they are working on millions of dollars worth of government equipment. oh well, i dont need my ass anyway, so they can chew it all they want when i royally fuck it up. other than that, life is peachy.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left...

5:05pm: i thought i was a nutcase, but this proves it.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

9:52pm: It starts with a kiss...
So I'm going home tomorrow. Sounds good so far, get to see my new niece and my grandmother. I'm hoping to see some friends of mine, but I really dont know if I will have the time or not. To everyone in c-town: If you are graduating or transferring and i dont get the chance to see you, it was nice to know you and I hope your lives go well. If you are staying, I might come see you sometime.

In other news, I am now officially a part of Gold Rotation in Operation: Iraqi Freedom II. My estimated deployment is late August, early September. For those of you who believe in a higher power, please pray for me and the other members of my team. The rest of you...have a couple of shots for me! If i come back a gimp, oh well. If i come back in a body bag, I can at least say I did SOMETHING for this country. My fellow Marines and I decided that if we all die out there, we are gonna kick Satan out and build a new Hell...with free beer! So, if I do bite it out there, look forward to seeing me in the bar down below.

Well, i need to finish packing, gotta get up at 0400. yay.

10:08am: damn, thats kinda close...

My Suicide by boxcutterbabe
Name
Favorite flavor of ice cream
Current mood
Method of suicide	Overdose on anti-depressants
Why you did it	Broken heart that never mended
Date you die on	September 7, 2010
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

10:06am: sweeeet...

What Mutant Powers Do You Have? by Frisket17
Username
Dominate Mutant Power	Infravision
Secondary Mutant Power	Hyper-Endurance
Rank Level	I KNOW NO LIMITS! Bwhaha
Affiliation/Team	Gun for Hire
Temperment	Goth
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!