Chronicles of the Phoenix Emperor

I feel my life erroding beneath me now  - I haven't heard back from the Creative Writing department and I feel like things are going to go badly in that field. So much money... so much money has been spent here, my god... Thousands of Pounds it's... fuck it's going to take me a long while to pay off my parents for this. And yes I am one of those crazy guys who believes in giving back to their parents.

If I don't get a deal with the Creative Writing department, and I have to start over from scratch I shudder to think what I'll have to go through in order to spend three more years here. If I can get a deal it's just two years, but if I can't... man I feel like such a shit - and now that I have my exams comming up it's even worse. I can sense that things are going to go badly for me. If I don't get a deal I don't want to be here any longer.

I can't stand the sight and feeling of being here. But part of me also feels like a quitter for not trying to man-up and staying. I'm tired of being strong and sucking it up. It seems I never get rewarded for my good deeds, but rather get punished. - Michy tells me I'll get through this, but it seems all I ever do is 'get through it' when's it gonna end? When am I gonna get a break?

I don't mind the idea of working, but if I have to start from scratch I'd like to do it in a place that doesn't have as much horseshit as this place does. It turns my stomach to know that all these things are happening to me and that I'm really so powerless. - A whole year of my life just, wasted on nothing but bullshit.

You know that pain you get in your stomach when you know you're about to face something really hard? Well I got it now. Big time.

I can't do this anymore, I really can't.

Ever since I came to this god forsaken University things have gone to hell for me. Nothing ever seems to go right for me anymore - everything that went right the last years of my schooling have gone completely to shit here in college. I'm not just talking about the impossible levels of bureaucracy that I have to deal with constantly and every day - which is almost like fighting some kind of unwinnable war just for the sake of some measely seconds of peace of mind, that'll be destroyed as soon as the next task comes by.

I can't be here anymore, I can't do it. I really just can't - this place kills you. It's like being inside a prison, only instead of one where you just need to do your time and then leave, here they threaten you with the death penalty if something doesn't go right for them. I've lost the faith I had in my parents to help me out - their reasoning is that 'now' is the only time I can and should go to college since not only am I still young but now's the only moment in which they can pay for it.

With 29 years in the Mexican Diplomatic Service my mother is convinced that with the new change in government a lot of people are going to be 'force retired' when they hit 30 years of service, or when they turn 60. If that doesn't cut off her pay then going back to Mexico will. You see, in the Diplomatic service, the deal is - 10 years outside, 5 in Mexico, 10 outside, 5 in Mexico. And my mother hasn't set foot in mexico in 26 years. So it's a LONG time comming. The scary part is, that with things being as they are, if she gets sent to Mexico the pay will be HIGHLY reduced and they won't be able to pay these over-priced tuition fees.

My father is being a fatalist as well, he keeps saying 'We don't have much more time on this earth son, and if you don't finish college and don't get a degree we won't be able to keep you afloat forever, the money will dry up someday be it when we die - which is just around the corner, or because your mother is retired, either way it'll be very hard and you have to look after yourself.' To me it sounds extremely pessimistic. You know who 'should' be saying those things but doesn't? Michy's father. He's a great man who's been through so many terrible things, his age, his sickness and still he's strong and still he wants his daughter to be happy and never would he abandon her.

It's terribly unfair, and the way things are going for me here they threaten to have me stay another year here, further stretching my time in this god forsaken hell-hole. I know some of you must be thinking 'it ain't that bad, stop complaining' well I say FUCK YOU. You have no idea the shit I've been through - I've had to beat people up and gotten beat up as well. I've had racism graffitied on my door, I've had to buy a baseball bat. - I was threatened to being thrown out on the street after they gave away my room for next year, and had to bed to get even a compact one smaller than the one I have now for next year.

I've had my name put up in lectures, I've had to stand infront of a camera, I've had to bear a horrid flu for three weeks with no one to watch my back and with no medication except for the healing spells Michy cast for me. - You have no idea what I've been through, so shut your ignorant mouth. This isn't a complaint about 'oh I don't like it here cause there's a guy that pokes me and calls me names' or 'I don't like it cause I wanna study and this other guy always plays music loudly' I WISH I had those problems. But I am SICK and TIRED

My father diminishes my thoughts, minimizes my complaints and passes them off as fickle comments that I throw off. But I don't, and I'm tired of him treating me like that. - I miss Michy, I miss Michele, I miss Bertrand, I miss my old life... I miss playing DnD with them and having them over and watching a movie.

I've treated them badly lately and I've been very lethargic, even my online friends have suffered that treatment as many of them are now in my ignore list and think I don't come online because I have exams or something or other. I don't get depressed over this because it's just not my style, there's only one person I cry infront of and she's not here right now. - No what I am is angry, I'm angry for what fate had in stored for me, angry at the treatment I've had to deal with and angry that I have no dreams anymore. The story I was writing is there, rotting, waiting for me to continue but I can't.

I feel so hopeless and lost and angry and I wish I could run away, cast everything out and just - run. Escape and send ALL to hell, every last thing, all of it. Set this place ablaze like I did the library of my old school. - This place kills the soul, it ruins people, some don't care because they don't have a mind, they don't have a soul to ruin, they don't have a spirit to snuff out or a flame to extinguish. They just 'exist' but they don't live. And I'm becoming like them, I can feel it... it's like a shadow ripping away at your soul, turning it into dust until there's nothing left but a void shell of crap and nothingness.

I've been a Knight in Shinning armour for a lot of people, but now I'm the one that needs to be rescued. Shackles on my mind have been placed and all I can is scream in the darkness.

New Chapter on the Dusk Phantoms Story - Go read it - http://community.livejournal.com/carnival_of_sin/

Nothing to report, I've been writing some Sci-Fi stories, so go ahead and get your fill at 'Carnival of Sin' hopefully Michy put a link to it somewhere around my page, so yeah. If not, go to my User profile thingy and find it there.

Well things are getting better, and I'm feeling a little less stressed out. Law is no longer my major, I switched it because well - turns out it really wasn't going to be too helpful to me from a 'functionality' point of view. Basically because the 'International' part of the 'International Law' course I selected was only the last year, and the problem with that is basically that I'd have to do three years of UK Law which, while insteresting, would be completely useless if I decide to go to Mexico, or France or wherever it is I decide to settle down.

I selected American Studies as my major, which while at first you would think is quite 'Mickey Mousey' isn't bad at all, since I get to go to the US next year, and then a year back here in the UK - making it significantly less strainful on me. Added to this, since it's three years and my papers are for four, I can simple stay another year and get a Masters Degree in International Relations, or in International Law and Politics - or something relevant which would only be, as I said, a single year. Then I'd come out with two degrees instead of just the one degree in Law.

The only problem I still need to solve is the 'changing from major to minor' thing the Law Department has, but other than this, I'm relatively free now. I'd like to thank my parents for their 'ultimate' support as it wasn't the case in the begining but it got there eventually, Michy who supported me as always, and Michele who sent me those emails which I haven't answered, but read all the way through. - Thanks man - is what I have to say. You cam through for me.

~D

Alright this is probably going to sound like gibberish for anyone who doesn't know my current situation - then again, most of you know that I'm going to Lancaster University in the UK. What you don't know is that for the past week I've been contemplating stopping. Why? Mostly because I hate the Law course I'm on. I honest-to-god can't stand the Seminars or the Lectures. I'd rather put a bullet through the Tutor's DYKE skull than to listen to her horse-shit.

I feel like I bit off more than I could chew, deciding to jump into college without so much as taking that travel-year I wanted. Now I'm here and mortality is haunting me every time. I can't sleep well, I can't think straight. Everything is telling me to work, to study, to give in exams and write damn courseworks, and if that's not good enough I don't enjoy it, I don't even think it's interesting. I'm not 'learning'. I'm DOING like a misserable mule I'm regurgitating the shit they throw at us, and it's worse listening to THEM spit at you the same old song they've been spitting back year after year.

Being a Law Major in the UK isn't all that's cracked up to be... I'm not learning International Law, I'm learning THEIR bullshit law. I don't give a shit what case did what and who fucked who's dog and when they're getting away with alamony payment. - I want treaties, I want... to learn something valuable. Some skills. I want to go to the US maybe have some fun in my college experience, everyone talks about how University life is great well, I don't feel it here. I just don't! I want to put together a D&D Group I want to... stay in and play a game, I want to breeze through an exam knowing I studied for it but also that I enjoy what I'm doing.

Just like I did during the last years in the British School of Milan. I enjoyed my subjects, I wanted to get through with them and I got excellent grades. Now here it's like I'm being force-fed this crap and everyone's making their thing more mandatory than the last. - I can't believe I'm the only one here that feels like this. My parents threaten me by saying I can't slack off, they're pushing sixty and won't be around much longer to support me. They tell me things that really frighten me, such as to shut up, suck it up and finish my damn degree.

BUT I CAN'T STAND IT. I vomit this miasm of dung called British Law. I can't stand my study group, I can't stand working IN a group - I'd rather gouge my eyes out than see them, rip my ears off than hear them. The only thing no one's forcing me to do is American Studies, and I think that's why I'm enjoying it more. It's something, at least, that I can relate to. Something I can understand and though I don't necessarily look forward to it in the mornings, atleast I don't shiver in horror of what's to come.

Now I'm sitting here, dreading tomorrow, because I have to wake my ass up early in the morning - go to my American Studies seminar, and speak with the Tutor, who also happens to be my College Tutor AND who thank god is the only sensible human being I've met thus far - and telling him about ALL this stuff I just wrote here. Awesome. Not.

Alright today's the day I go back to Italy, I'm a little nervous since not only do I have to catch the plane at a sertain hour but I also have to catch a bus at a sertain hour now. - At 2:30 AM tonight, or rather 'tomorrow' since it will be sunday after 12:00 am after all. So anyway, I'm currently in my room. It's a bit of a mess that I have to clean up before I leave... have to lock some things in the closet and cover others up so they don't get dust.

I also have to speak with the porter at 8:30pm in order for him to get my a cab TO get to the Bus Station, and I hope it'll be possible because other than that I have no method of getting downtown unless I walk there and it's a long walk, and in the darkness by myself, with my 800 euro Laptop isn't exactly safe. Especially not while I'm ALSO carrying 200 pounds and my passport and plane ticket.So if I can get that cab, get to the station, take the buss, get to the airport, check in and make it to the plane. Then I'll be fine.

If not well then I guess I miss my flight and I'm screwed. Either that or I have to pay 100 pounds to a cab to take me there tomorrow morning, since my flight is at 12 pm and I have no way of knowing if there are even any free cabs at all. So.. yeah.

I can't wait to go home, I leave the 17th at 12:00pm so I should be home by 2 pm or somesuch. God I just want to sleep in my own bed, see my parents, eat pasta and play video games. But everyone knows that that's just wishful thinking. I have two pieces of course-work to write during the holiday plus an extra piece that I have to work with 4 other people, in which it'll be MSN and Law Forums in order to get it done. So how beautiful this hellish monstrosity has become. - Honestly I'm starting to think I made a mistake coming to England. I should have gone to the US instead. I might hate it, but atleast I *know* it. Plus I know people there and I wouldn't be completely by myself. Here there's no one I know, no cushin to land on, nothing that will protect me. I have no home to run to. I have to cope by myself.

If only there were no human beings here, if I was completely and utterly alone I would be better off than with the cretins that surround me. I swear the people that I would save should I have the power to destroy all humanity would be so few, perhaps two handfuls of people and nothing more. - Anyway I went to the Vice-Dean and complained about the good ol' nextdoor neighbour. So hopefully the fucker will get fined atleast 50 Pounds or so. Because if they do nothing about it I swear to fucking Christ that I'll slam his head with a skillet then pummel him unrecognisable. - Sometimes I hope he's the one who attacks me first, because all I need is for him to throw a punch of try to grab a spoon or something or anything of the sort in order to attack me, and I'll jam a butcher's knife in his gut.

I'm so god damn tired of all the racism here in Britain it's just unbelievable the way in which they slaughter every single culture that isn't their own. I mean if they're not insulting the Indians they insult the Chinese, and if it's not the Americans it's the Italians or the Pakistani or Australians or Canadians or the French or anyone else. - While Great Britain might have been an Empire a few years back, and while it might still have the Queen and an Army that goes around 'Peace-Keeping' *cough bullshit couch* missions it's not a 'great country'.

I'm thankful that I'm doing Law now since I can see how many friggin holes their Governmental System has. Parliament for instance has the power to do virtually anything it pleases, even kill people. Disband the Courts of their judges, impeach the Queen and yes I suppose that's democratic since the Parliament is voted by the people. Yeah. Every 4-5 years the government kindly asks people what they want. I used to hold the English in high regards, used to say 'Oh yeah they're much better than the Americans' but now I know that's all a load of crap. Let that be a lesson to any of you who might judge before knowing.

I much prefer the US than this shit-hole, because not only is there no 'lesser of two evils' here such as it was in the US with Bush and Kerry, but rather two parties who have the EXACT plan and ideas. Not to mention people here are fucking drunkards who consume more alcohol than a score of dwarves. And listening to them go on about what a great country they live in just honestly makes me want to puke up my intestines. I mean fuck... I thought the Italians were bad. These fuckers are worse. I honestly prefer the French better. Yes they might also be racist but atleast they don't say it out loud.

That's why next year I'm moving in with the Slavs. Seriously, I'm moving in with Dimitri, Matis, Roman and Max because I can't stand living with a bunch of English fuckwits that come from a 'nice' middle-class area. Irish guys are great, Scotish guys aren't 'too' bad. But the English are just as pain in the ass to be with. These guys from Latvia are awesome, they aren't racist, they have good taste in litterature, they're smart. They study, they like playing Video-Games, and they only get drunk once a week. Which suits me just fine.

I swear to Christ, at least Americans realize that half of their population are imbecils, but these guys won't even admit to a quarter, they're CONVINCED they're god's gift to the world. Where had it not been for the Soviet Union and the USA they'd all be speaking german. Bunch of cock-sucking fags.

Indeed it has been a long time since I've last posted here. I'd like to say it's because I've been amazingly busy in college, and while I have been it's not the full reason. I've sort of been dreading to post here again, but I suppose I should get the habit of it up again and with a bit of hard-work I'll post atleast weekly. Though I wouldn't want to make empty promises like I've made before. So let's just get this over with shall we?

These last three months since I moved to England have been... not hellish because they haven't been bad but not heaven either. I seem to have discovered a gray crack in which things seem to float, where hard work is 'apparent' but not exactly willing or deserved. Where old men sleep late and wake up late and speak endlessly about something that's happened centuries ago. - I don't know what to make of college. I know some people love it and can't get enough of it blah blah blah. Personally I have only 'lukewarm' feelings about it. I miss my family but not as much as I used to, and recently I've felt rather detached.

It's this place, these four walls and these miles they seem to detach me from my family. I speak to my father and all I can say is . "Yeah. Mm hmm... That's right. Yep. Yeah. Right. I see. Ah." What is that? Why is that? I don't know... and lately I've found my mother to be a little more annoying than usual, sending me messages on AIM and asking me the endless barrage of questions we all know and have heard many times. "Have you eaten? What have you done? Did you get any work? Did you finish that last thing you had last time? When did you go to bed? Have you been feeling alright?" And believe me I could go on but I'm afraid I'd have to shoot my testicles off.

Now, aside from the acctual living here. My room-mates for those of you who know this and the list is short, have been rather nice. Except for a single piece of garbage by the name of Mark Bell. This 'skater-boy' as he calls himself (and yes he does have a skate-board and bike and goes down stairs and all that shit) has personally wasted many hours of my stay here in England for three reasons. First of all he's a manic depressive who used to be a Goth and has now turned Emo. Secondly half-way through the first term he knocked up his girlfriend and dumped his load of emotional bullshit on me in a single night, which I consider not very thoughtful. And Third whenever he acctually IS happy he tends to be a rude and abnoxious asshole who'd kick your door down when drunk and who's idea of a romantic evening is blowing farts in his girlfriend's face.

As you can see charming. - The half of it was the fact that I acctually kicked his ass twice in the past two months. And no, no litterally. The first time I impacted his kneecap because he tried to fart on me. Something I tollerate (and only lightly) from Svish. Because Bear I don't think would do that knowing I can't stand that line of jokes. - Needless to say that was the first thing that knocked down the barrier, I don't want to go in detail but if you want to know the extremely boring story you should just message me online. - And then I kicked his ass a second time, again, not litterally in a bar when he was drunk as a skunk and decided to racially insult me. Indeed not very nice.

As far as studying Law is concerned it's extremely boring, the work-load is great, and everyone who seems to study is either turns into, or already is, some kind of self-centered asshole. Hopefully I won't turn into that and will acctually pass my course without too much trouble. - I tend to not go to my American Studies Lectures, seeing as being Mexican and having an American girlfriend whom I can just ask questions to when I don't know the answer to, I find them useless. Not to mention if people acctually BOTHERED to do the reading in the library they'd realize that the lectures are a condesced piece of 1-hour shit holding 100 or 200 years worth of history in the words of some cock-muncher who prepared his speech a few years ago, and who's been repeating the same crap year after year.

All I can think about now to bring some comfort is the fact that I'll be going home for Christmas on the 17th and that I'll be seeing Michy this summer. Other than that, I'm really just trying to survive out here. With assholes, buffons and boring old codgers surrounding you. You can only do so much. - Atleast I found a good Video Game Store downtown and bought Oblivion/Bloodlines/Dawn of War/Black&White2 and have reserved WoW's Expansion the Burning Crusade. So that's not too baddish.

Oh yeah and it rains. A lot.

YEEEAAAAH France won ^_^ I'm happy now.

It's a real pitty Germany lost, they were a seriously great team. I was rooting for them from the very begining, I was hoping the finals would be Germany - England. But meh, guess it didn't happen. Then I thought it'd be Germany and France, the two oldest enemies in the book ^.^ But... heh didn't happen either seeing as Italy won thanks to that lucky shot. - France will now step up, and claim it's second Cup I hope. I try not to get too excited, after all I might get disappointed like when Mexico lost, or England, or Germany. So I suppose I'll keep mostly quiet about this.

It pissed me off that Michele is so inflexible about his own candidate for the cup. I mean don't anybody get me wrong, I'm all for patriotism - really I am. And I fully understand someone who roots for the home team. But... if he says he 'loves football' the game ITSELF - then how can he go for Italy? I mean... they're the biggest stunt men in the book. They know how to roll, how to bowl over and cry like little kids.

And they have GREAT sense of style too, I mean didn't you see Totti in that last GQ? All naked and posing in a tight pair of Calvin Kline undershorts? Yeah that's hot stuff, then you see that guy with the pony tail, what's his name - what the fuck is he trying to be? A Japanese Shinobi? Or some kind of Inca Warrior?

The best part is, all of them prepare really beautifully. They wax their eyebrows, their arms and obviously they're all -really- educated. I mean have you ever heard some of them speak? You can understand EVERYTHING they say.

Sure sure, that doesn't have much to do with the game but then again, what does anymore? Everytime, and I really mean every time that Italy loses it's all like "Why?! How can it be?! Us? The greatest footballers in the world?! OMG WTF?! Everyone's against us, the refs were paid, the world hates us, why? Is it because we're so great?"

You know what I say to that? Fuck - you. Seriously, take a knife and run into it. Jump of a cliff, shoot yourselves in the head. You arrogant, narcisistic dickheads. You forgot about a little something called 'football' something that experienced players like Zidane play, something like an experienced player like Del Piero plays.

Yes, I like Del Piero - he's the only one. The ONLY one I respect out of all those Divas. Some of them are better fit to become super models rather than football players. They've survived thus far our of pure luck, as Michele describes everyone else. - Germany played well, did you see their passes? It was something out of Contact. Beauty, they should have sent a poet.

Portugal is a brutal team, they dove more than swimmers at a fucking diving gala. And they got what was comming to them. They'll get creamed by Germany, who at least'll get the consolation prize of being third. But Italy has to be punished, it has to be punished for it's bullshit plays, for it's bad stunt-man acting, for it's bad showmanship, for it's irrational way of blaming EVERYONE *BUT* themselves and especially for letting football become a corrupt, decadent, capitalistic enterprise which no-brain apes who and holler at.

If you love football, if you REALLY love football, you wouldn't like Italy. Really, you wouldn't. Like I said, if you're Italian and you root for the home team, I respect you - completely, seriously I do. I mean you're patriotic, if only there were more people like you. So yes, if you love Italy it's obvious you're going to support them. But PLEASE, PLEASE you little fucker, don't tell me you root for italy because it's 'Il calcio piu bello del mondo!' which means 'The best football in the world' when you know that it's a fucking joke.

The players really can't PLAY the game. They train themselves in winning at corner kicks, or penalty shots. Not once did I see them throw a 'decent' goal that wasn't either caused by an error in the opposing team, or a lucky strike. I mean those of you who really - LIKE - football, KNOW that the only REAL stars are Del Piero and Buffon - the rest of them are a bunch of retarded fuckwads on steroids.

The last mohican, the 'last action hero' of Italian football, the last representative of 'il calcio bello' was Bajo. And you fucking spaghetti munching Trapatoni, you didn't even take your own superstar with you in the last Cup - which you COULD have won. The problem is... it's no use talking about this with anyone. Not with Michele, or Bertrand who I'm afraid to say will never accept anything I say on this matter and will simply dismiss it as crap or bullshit.

Fine, I accept that. They believe in their team, and I'm not trying to tell them to stop believing that they can win. I'm trying to get them to understand that no matter how much they love them, loving them for the game they play is lunacy. - I mean I think some of you saw the fucking blood letter they gave that American player. And I don't even LIKE the US. When Michele shuts you up and denies everything you say as bullshit, because 'how can it be possible, no it's not true, Germany sucked, we played like Kings' then fine - you know? Really, is it.

You've chosen your camp. But it's not my camp. If France wins the Cup - then Experience, True Football, Serious Play, Love of the Game, Beauty as well as Courage' will have won the Cup. If Italy wins, then Dirty, Bullshit, Acting, Whinning, Cheating, Payed Refs and Martyrism wins.

You decide.

Well that's that, after my last exam yesterday (Tuesday) And with that huge party I went to with all the people of my year I'm officially a graduate. Haha it feels a bit weird to finally leave school but it's not a bad type of weird. I know what I have to do so I won't lose my compass as easily - I think the main thing that I'll miss is knowing what to do and what to think at the right moments when you're in class or just the ordered way in which you absolutely KNOW that every weekday from eight to four you (acctually 8:50 to 3:20) you have to go to school and then take a sertain buss to get home and the subway and all that jazzeroony.

All in all, I'm happy - and acctually not a bit hung over. I'm glad I have a strong constitution, and obviously being a man and not a woman helps. No sexism intended men really do have a higher tollerance to alcohol than women - that's why most broads are easier to get drunk. Never the less I won't flaunt about what I drink unlike sertain people I know in my year who're all like "Woah I just had three vodkas and look, I'm still standing!" 'Good for you buddy' I usually say.

I was supposed to go to the movies today with Michele and Bertrand but seeing as I just woke up (2 pm since I went to bed at 4:30) - I don't think we'll be doing that, though I do want to. Maybe on thursday or some other weekday so that we don't have to pay so much money and maybe get a double feature. - I'm gonna miss Michy not being around for, well acctually she didn't say how long she'd be gone and I wasn't able to see her last night on the count of the Leaver's Party - so I guess I'll see her when she gets back. Love ye hun, if you're reading this somehow.

On a lesser note, hopefully Ber and I will be invited to Michele's grandma's house in the countryside and we'll be able to play D&D into the Wee-hours of the night. That's just wishful thinking lol.

Sorry If I haven't been able to update alot - aside from the fact that my workstation is on the blink since I've dumped into some troubles after re-connecting the wires of the tower (after having installed the ram I needed) - and also the fact that I haven't been doing much lately. Other than going to the gym and playing Harvest Moon that is.

Don't you ever feel like things are going right for you, and suddenly you scratch under the surface and you notice that the foundations on which you've built your secure little bunker, is acctually nothing more than clay? And you realize it may break at any moment?

That's how I feel lately. I know my father will be depresed when I leave for the UK - it is the 'end of the family unit' after all. I also know that I won't be able to see Michele and Bertrand too often. Maybe once every six months or so. And that too is sad. - Also I've felt that Michy is distancing herself from me more and more. That things aren't as they used to be.

What I don't get is, that why after so many good things have happened in my life. Do they suddenly have to get attacked by the hellish demons of the abyss. - I know that Michele himself is going to France. I know that my father still has my mother. I know Michy is busy with her new job. - I know all these things, yet they do little to reasure me.

I don't want to break-down. I don't want to become a weakling cry-for-nothing. I'm Diego Padilla. The Rock of Feelings. I'm the stone on which others support themselves and find their own strength, if I become mud, the entire foundation of people who both count and root for me will collapse. - What's worse is this pain at the pit of my stomach.

It keeps growing and hurts, I find myself pushing that feeling away. And occupying my time with something else. Watching TV, Playing Harvest Moon, Studying for my exams. Anything and everything important and insignificant that I can find. I don't want to face those feelings, I don't want to scratch under the surface anymore. I just want numbness - I wish I was an unfeeling, heartless creature.

This way there would be no way for me to feel anything, no nerves,no nothing. What a sweet life that would be.

Well, updaties again!

I'm sorry you guys for not being able to post any of the story lately, I haven't been able to get anything done these past few days. Plus I think I deserve a little motivation ^^;;

I resigned from my possition on my Ogame Alliance - I was made Second in Command but things got really sour. I ended up making some mistakes, pissed some people off, and changed everything too radically.

I feel really bad now, but I think that, so long as I can remain friends with the boss, I shouldn't have any serious problems later on. - I'm joining the FrK the Freedom Killers. They're all about destroying democracy and freedom and such. It's exactly the opposite of what I was fighting for in the UFoP. But, ever the pragmatic politician, I can adjust if I need to.

I'm going to miss the Federation, all those countless hours of personal time I put into it. Writing up the Constitution, Rules for the Forum, I even had the entire speech for D-Man written up, and my own as well. Seeing as I'm no longer part of the alliance, I suppose I'm going to have to live with not becoming Second in Command.

It sucks, but Dictator - my friend who also got kicked out of the UFoP, offered me a job as Diplomatic Officer. It's what I always did before so, I figure I'd do a good job with that. Funny how everything can go in the shitter in less than a day.

I worry about what's gonna happen to Raptor, he swore an oath of loyalty to me and the UFoP second. And he did it publicly, they're going to brand him 'Adahn Follower' so I think he might just join me in the FrK. Kelinci, she's a hard-core trekkie, so I doubt she'll follow me into the flaming pits of hell.

Good for her though, she acctually still has a future within the UFoP. With Gimli and TheChokolate gone though, I don't know what's going to happen to it. Veldrin and Beldin are also gone. I suppose D-Man will have to assemble it back up from scratch.

Again, I'm going to miss working there. We had 76 members once. Now it's down to 60. The FrK are currently 4 including me. We have a really long way to go.

Well I've been writing on the story a lot more, for those of you who HAVEN'T started reading it yet - which you should cause it's good stuff - the link is down. Or you can just go on my userinfo and like, click at the community.

Aside from that, school's ok. I'm practically finished - it's the last week of school now and soon enough I'll have study leave. Good rest, but also a moment to study - I don't want to fail these exams after all haha.

Michy's been really busy with work, and though I miss her I understand that she's obviously not getting any sleep. I've been using the time to write the story, in that way I can occupy my time. Also I've been thinking a lot more about the Post-Apocalyptic D&D Campaign Michele, Bertrand and I can work on this summer.

And hopefully throughout the whole of next week and so on. Since Michele also gets holidays and Ber, well I acctually don't know if Ber does. But he loves us ^^ so I think he might be able to show up.

I posted two days because I didn't get a chance to write anything before, so I wasn't able to post on the 11th. Anyway, they're both there. So don't forget to scroll down to check out the Saturday and Sunday.

I've been posting my story on Carnival of Sin for those who haven't started reading it yet, READ IT. Because the longer you go without reading it, the longer it'll get day by day and you won't wanna read it anymore because you're lazy and figure it's too long, and then I'll cry like a little girl because every body ignored my long awaited work.

On another note, there's gonna be a power-outtage in my neighbourhood from 9pm to 9am tomorrow morning. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna manage but I guess I'll figure it out.

Ciao ~

I finally got around to writing that story based on True Love - it follows more or less the same infrastructure for those who know it. But it's completely fresh and has my own stuff in it. Check it out! I'll post a day, every day!

http://community.livejournal.com/carnival_of_sin/

Well, today - as in Saturday. I was hoping Michele would call me to do something but I guess he was busy with work. I didn't call Michele or Bertrand either - I don't know why, I guess it was because today was the first day that I had 'nothing' to do for monday.

Working on my coursework was hell, and though the History prof says it helped 'a bit' it didn't solve my problems. So I guess I'm going to get grilled for that one, the English one is good, though I think I should re-edit it again on some points.

Other than that, I think I could seriously use a shot of morphine or atleast some kind of tranquilizer or maybe a sleeping pill. Because I'm so jittery and nervous and my heart is litterally throbbing out of my chest. - I had a conversation with Michy that I'm glad we managed to resolve, but I'm still feeling the after-effects.

Life is good, but my life is beautiful because Michy is in it. I love you darling, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Today was an excellent day, I managed to get my History Coursework in so I a load lighter - now I still have to work on my English one, but there's no reason why I couldn't finish it's 1500 words in a day. Anyway, aside from that I managed to help Michy out with a site problem she had. She's feeling a bit better I hope.

I love you kitty.

Anyway aside from that I have plans next thursday, I'm going to see the movie Casanova so that'll be something to look forward to. To top it off, as soon as I finish all this damn coursework I'll write that story about the college guy so I can put it on the co-journal Michy and I have but to which I never acctually wrote anything.