i dont know what to do with myself.
i feel like i dont have anything real to depend on anymore.
nothing.
no one.
im so disconnected and so alone.
even when people are around.
actually.. especially when people are around.
i cant sit through meetings anymore.
but i cant do drugs either.
and god, i just want to so badly.
people are relapsing left and right.
and i feel like im just stuck.
not using.
but not recovering.
at all.
i just need something.
and i dont know what it is.
i want to hurt right now.
i want to feel pain.
because im tired of feeling nothing.

it feels better when i cry.

current state of insanity.: lonely
music.: silence.

i've been feeling very blah lately.  not really good. or bad.  just going through the motions.  yesterday i kind of freaked out though.  i have my first assignment for photojournalism due tomorrow, and i cant seem to do anything right.  the lighting's off.  the composition's off.  and im still learning how to manually use my digital camera.  so basically i suck.  and i just dont want to start thinking that i've made (yet another) wrong decision.  the only time i really feel like i "fit in" is with the photography students.. those are the only classes where the people look like me, dress like me, even drink the same shit as me.. and the only place where people arent complete dicks.  but at the same time, i cant help but feel intimidated by all the experience and creativity surrounding me in those rooms.  maybe standing alone i can pull this shit off.. but in comparison?  right now im just hoping for the best.

i just need to get my life together in general.  more living, less planning.  im still working on trying to let go of all my self-destructive issues though.  sometimes i dont even want to.  because then i'd have to let go of my crutches.. the things i turn to to escape, even if it doesnt feel like im escaping.  and i've been thinking a lot lately about doing drugs.  i couldnt even really do them if i wanted to, considering my lack of connections, but it's still making me a little crazy.  sometimes i wish i had really hit a bottom before i came into recovery.  but i was just introduced to what probably would have been my drug of choice a month or 2 before i came into the rooms.  and even though it may have been harder to stop if i'd continued for awhile, i think i would feel like i had more of a reason to.  i have too many reservations right now.  and at this point i would just feel too guilty using.. my parents are keeping track of my keychains (60+ days now) and i have "friends" in the rooms who might actually give a shit if i went back out there.  i know there's a better way to live.. i just dont know if i want it yet.  and that makes it hard for me to even do my first step -- surrendering.  because i never really tried to stop on my own.. i dont even know if im truly powerless over my addictions.  if it werent for the anxiety i have just about every time i do any drug.. i'd probably be more inclined to go back.  but there's just something in my head that freaks out whenever i put a substance into my body.  if i had fully given myself over to drugs while i was using, maybe it would be easier to fully give myself over to recovery now.  but im always on the fence.  sometimes when i weight out the pros and cons of using, i realize that (even if i want to use) im just better off staying clean.  but sometimes i just dont feel ready.   and it's really frustrating.  but i finally got a new sponsor, so im hoping maybe that will change some of these feelings.  she seems to have a lot of the same issues as me, so i hope this works out better than the last one.  i should really talk to her about all this shit.  

goddammit.
sometimes i wish i could hurt myself without drugs.
besides cutting.
im sick of that shit.
i just hate when i feel myself slipping away.
invisible.
worthless.
and at least when im hurting
im connected to myself.
i feel real.
powerful.
and nobody can get to me.

at least i feel myself reaching out a little more.  im trying to have more compassion for people, and less resentment.  im trying to keep in touch with people.  trying to talk at meetings.  going to meeting even if i dont want to.  and yesterday i finally started talking to someone again that i'd cut off contact with because of my own insecurities.  those insecurities had led to a lot of anger and resentment.. so for once i let that go and just apologized.  at least im being less anti-social.  im just so not used to talking to people about things.  real things.  but i guess that's what i have to get used to.


anyway.
im done.
off to continue with my inadequate photography.

location.: home.
current state of insanity.: anxious
music.: my sister on the phone.

..and depending on the weather
im a changer.
-g&th.


i can't believe i've started yet another journal.  but i've just been so desperate for an outlet lately.  and for some sort of communication with the outside world.  and im hoping to make this journal different from the others.  less personal and whiney, and more introspective purging.  i need to keep track of where i'm at and where im going.

anyway.

i went for a walk today in the woods where i used to get high.  those are the only memories i have there, since i didnt grow up in that town and didn't start going there until we needed a place away from cops and parents and other such authority.  armed with my ipod and some new music i just added i went in, aimlessly following the paths in circles.  i didn't expect to feel all the thing i felt.  it hasn't been very hard for me being clean and sober the past few months.  but going in there with no escape from my mind made me yearn for the many moments spent in there over the past few years.  the insanity.  the freedom.  it just made me want to cry.

i think that the biggest thing that's always stopping me from wanting to grow up into a "responsible adult" is the fact that i don't feel like i ever really had an adolescense.  being so trapped in my insecurities and thoughts, i spent most of high school being very sheltered and naive, and observing life rather than experiencing it.  at least that's how it feels looking back.  and it wasn't until college that i felt any sort of the typical freedom and rebellion that generally accompanies your teenage years.  i ended up spending a lot of time with people younger than me, having the experiences i'd never had growing up.  still, i never really felt like i fit.  i felt like i was too old [and, being one of the oldest around, always afraid of being the one to get in trouble] and too different.  but despite my detachment from the groups i was with, i am so grateful to have had those years and those people in my life.  all the time i wasted, the things i lost, the things i did.. i had to go through it to get where i am.  but now im stuck at a crossroad.  sometimes i feel so ready to get on with my life - to make positive changes, grow up.  but sometimes i dont feel like im ready.  im not ready to give up the escaping, the recklessness, the angst.. because i dont know if i ever fully gave myself over to it.  i dont want to be running from my feelings and my life anymore.  i know that much.  and i know that inevitably that's where getting high will take me, because as an addict i cant "use successfully."  but sometimes i just feel so lost and empty.

i've heard a few people in meetings say things like "there's nothing worse than getting high with a head full of narcotics anonymous."  and that's true.. with anything destructive, not just drugs.  i know a better way to live, i just cant feel it in me.  and i hate that there's not one day, one moment, where i feel the same as the last.  i feel so all over the place.  sometimes i wonder if there is something wrong with me that i cant fix myself.  i always believed that if i got my act together i could change everything myself.  but what if i cant?  what if there's a reason im stuck in these feelings?  

all i know is that i miss being a part of something.  however wrong.  however destructive.  i miss not caring.  it's so much easier to just not give a shit.  sometimes i just feel like im going to explode if something doesn't change soon.  i dont know what to do with myself.  i dont know what i want.  what's up or down anymore.  

i just want to feel free.
whole.
and in control.

current state of insanity.: nostalgic
music.: "boats and birds" - gregory and the hawk.