Current mood:

melancholy

Alexander fic

Title: No longer boys  2/ 3

Author: Parisad

Pairing: Alexander / Hephaestion

Rating: FRAO for this part (NC-17)

Warnings: slash, a little N / C (in a way...), angst

Summary: sometimes we can hurt who we love because we are afraid of losing him. Hephaestion POV

Notes: maybe too much angst this time...too sad...But only the true love can understand. And forgive.

Feedbacks: yes!

No longer boys  2 / 3

And other strains of woe, wich now seem woe,

Compared with lossom thee will not seem so.

                                                                  ( W. Shakespeare, son. 90)

2 / 3

The fair boy was riding and Hephaestion saw him, bending his head and whispering something in the horse's ear. His hands caressed the thick mane and then the boy raised his eyes. He looked at him.

A breath of wind woke him and made him shiver. He drew the furs around him and Ptolemy's words hadn't left him yet. They rang through his mind and swept over his dreams.

Was it my fault, Alexander? Did I light these passion that still burns us?

Hephaestion closed his eyes to drive away that cruel thought. He had always tried to protect Alexander: from Philip, from the unfaithful generals, from his mother's intrigues, but most than anything from himself. He had tried to protect him from his ambition that could devour him, from the cruelty that sometimes flashed in his eyes. He never thought to protect him from their love, from that passion still kindling their life and warming their bodies.

You never asked if I wanted you. We knew. You came to me, in a night brighter than a shining morning. I held you in my arms. I felt your breath on my chest.

I still remember the light of that night. It embraces me in this darkness.

He closed his eyes again. The fair boy still rode, smiling at him.

He woke up wrapped tightly in his furs and the night's cold hadn't left him. He noticed the sun was already in the sky, but the palace still slept: the endless night had exhausted the guests and the wine had plunged them into a deep sleep. He got up shivering and he put on a fur coat he had placed on the sheets.

Where's the sun of my land? Why I feel so cold, now?

He shook his long hair inhaling deeply and went up to the trunk where he kept his dresses. He chose a red silk tunic and slowly started to get dressed. Raising his eyes he met his reflection in the copper mirror and he pulled his hair freeing his neck and his shoulders. A deep scar lined his left shoulder, a scar that remembered him the sand dunes of Gaugamela. Brushing the skin his fingers met other scratches, eternally engraved on his body, anyway less numerous than the battles he had faced. He had a wonderful skin, when he had left his land: smooth, without scars.

How can you still desire me, Alexander? Don't you see the time swallowing my youth?

- You are so beautiful, Hephaestion.

Hephaestion startled at the sound of that familiar voice and suddenly turned, meeting Alexander's gaze. The King was wearing only a thin, green silk tunic, without any ornaments: and he was so beautiful, without crown, without weapons, and no one around him. He was his Alexander, still and always, with his loose and ruffled hair, his eyes dimmed with sleep and the gaze asking for love and nothing more. His Alexander.

And yet...this must finish.

He turned to the mirror answering with a faint smile:

- I'm a soldier counting his scars, my lord.

Alexander moved closer to him and rested his hands upon his lover's shoulders, looking at him through the glass:

- They are not so many, my love.

He bent his head to kiss Hephaestion's neck and Hephaestion felt a shiver through his body: again that shiver, that desire again, again that crazy need to hold him, and kiss him, and caress him, and feel him inside his soul. He closed his eyes moaning sweetly, throwing back his head, letting the King's lips brush him for a long moment.

How could I stop that? How could I stifle my desire and push him away from me, when he is all I need?

Alexander raised his head and held Hephaestion against him, then moved away and observed:

- I entered your rooms and your slaves told me you were alone. I thought you had found company.

Hephaestion looked at him in a strange way and Alexander laughed:

- Yes, I saw you last night, you and the flutist...I was drunk, but I remember it. You liked her very much: you kissed her.

Hephaestion moved closer answering with a nervous gesture:

- I didn't want company. But you, why are you here? Where's Roxane?

- She's sleeping. We made love all night: she's very beautiful. I'm sure she will give me an heir.

Hephaestion smiled. Alexander watched him with his deep eyes that always bewitched him and he started to look around trying to avoid that gaze:

- I'm still tired. Maybe I should take a bath.

Alexander looked into Hephaestion's eyes:

- I want you.

Hephaestion startled and his gaze met Alexander's:

- Now?

-Immediately.

The King moved closer to him and hugged him with so much strength that Hephaestion found difficult to breathe; he tried to free himself:

- Alexander, wait...

The King captured his lips in a passionate kiss, causing Hephaestion's tunic to slide over his shoulders. Hephaestion leaned into Alexander's touch, but a painful thought pierced his mind. This must finish.

He disentangled himself from Alexander's embrace, moving away. Alexander asked:

- What's the matter, my love?

Hephaestion looked at the sky lighted by the sun.

No morning will be brighter than that night.

And I still see that light in you.

- Maybe we should...

Alexander started to feel a strange anxiety:

- What?

Hephaestion turned to him but didn't look at his face:

- So many years have passed, my lord...

Alexander put an hand under Hephaestion's chin asking:

- Look at me. What are you talking about?

Hephaestion looked into Alexander's eyes:

- Are you sure this is still what you want, Alexander? There so many younger boys...and more attractive. You can have anyone you desire.

The King squeezed Hephaestion's hair:

- I know. But no other could offer me what you give me and I want to love you fully. I want to give you all myself.

Hephaestion suddenly moved away:

- We could love each other without...It's not proper, Alexander.

Alexander roughly interrupted him:

-  Who talked to you?

- You know what they say about us: I don't care what they say about me, they have always hated me and they will always do. But you are the King: you can't allow them to dishonor you.

Alexander suddenly cried out:

- I don't care what they think! Generals, courtiers...they know nothing.

- They already know too much. Do you remember what Cleitus said?

The name made Alexander shudder with violence and Hephaestion regretted his words, those words remembering that terrible day, that pain still bleeding inside Alexander. He moved closer to the King:

- I'm sorry, Alexander. I didn't want to talk about that day, but Ptolemy said...

Alexander shouted:

- Ptolemy? What could Ptolemy know about that? About us?

They looked at each other: Hephaestion was looking into his mind for words he couldn't say, words that hurt his soul like a piercing sword. Suddenly Alexander hugged him with all his strength and Hephaestion desperately inhaled his scent, and he wished himself dead just that moment, in Alexander's arms. He heard Alexander whispering:

- If you don't desire me any longer...

I wish I could make love to you forever. I wish the time had stopped that shining night.

Alexander felt him tremble against him, he felt him fight with his desire, and suddenly was afraid of losing him, and he felt a violent need to take him, one more time, forever. He pulled him to the bed with a desperate strength, feeling him struggle to free himself, but his desperation screamed higher than Hephaestion's moaning:

- Alexander, please...

Hephaestion found himself lying down on the furs and he felt Alexander undressing him with wild passion, his lips kissing him all over his neck, his breast, his hands moving over his body looking for its hidden spots. He forgot the warrior, he didn't find the strength to react, inside himself, against that desperation, that crazy desire, that love stronger than anything living around them. He allowed it to happen because he wanted it, he felt it was all they needed, need to feel themselves still united, against every reason, against the world surrounding them, against their life too.

Alexander was on him and an acute pain suddenly pierced his body burning with desire, with love, with passion despite that violence that tied him under his lover who started to move inside him.

Don't hurt me too much, my love. Don't let them win.

Every thrusts let him without breath. Alexander hid his face against his neck and Hephaestion heard him begging:

- Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Hephaestion closed his eyes trying to forget the pain, trying to see again the light of that night, and a fair boy on an horseback looking at him with a smile.

Alexander let out a stifled cry and rested his head upon Hephaestion's breast, panting.

Hephaestion didn't open his eyes, he didn't move, the pain slowly receding.

On his heart, a fair boy cried.