8:15 a.m. aug. 6th 1945
hiroshima 140,000 killed

11:02 a.m. aug. 9th 1945
Nagasaki 70,000 killed

i usually have some long winded rant. but this year i think a simple, g'night will do, g'night to a woman i never knew, and when august comes around..and i'm reminded of ..the chain reaction of her ...life..and country..and feel, as if it were a thief in shape of a bomb. sleep well japan..one day my feet will meet your soil.

born were three
in an august night
a funeral of one
came December's call
left for him now
are two
placed inside my palms
dare not disturb
with a false hand in mine
for such attempts
shall awake a grip
of violence everytime

to all those who gave me hugs
and hellos over the past few
weeks. i lied. i could cry..
and i did. and i'm not done
yet. it is in silly things
like, "who will i give my pennies to?"
and it is in buffet cookies?
and i miss him.
and sometimes late at night
when i'm trying to sleep
i can only see the last minutes
of his face..and it disturbs me.

you can smoke now. i broke
and i've smoked about 5 packs
since my grandfather passed.
i still plan on quitting..
but...eh.

i listened to my mother
sing the same song that
i hummed to him an hour
before he passed.
amazing grace..and it
gets me everytime.

they left me in the
room just ..the two
of us ..and i didn't
know what to say..
so i just half teared
up and hummed and half
sang..quiet..and his stare
was lost..and in that
moment i wished that he
would go ahead and let go..
he was no longer ..who he
was..

rawr. sorry haven't really
been able to talk about it..
write about it...etc etc..
everyone has been thru it
or going thru it..and some
much worse..i'm grateful
for those who are in my
life i am grateful to have
known ross connie phillips
for 28 years...and i just
hope that he was a bit
proud of me. the sad thing
is..he was..of me quitting
smoking. ha on fathers day
we shared a piece of chicken..
he actually got up in his
chair on father's day..

rawr.

okay.sorry.
just needed to spill.

i miss him.
and you.
and you.

one day i'll
wake up and
i won't feel
like i have to
puke.

one day.

one day i'll
understand.

one day.

one day i'll finish
all these projects
running in my headsoftspotthoughts.

one day you'll own up
and be the man i knew for
over a decade.
one day.

it's almost been a year.
what is an anniversary?
murder and my heart..
share the same.
it's kindof cruel.

it's surreal to
use the word..
sometimes.
the reality.

i ran into a kid at
work.
he asks. it's almost
been a year and everyone
still asks. even the
ones who i have told
we no longer speak..
they come running
with questions.
it doesn't throw me
to ill..anymore..
just a twitch.

i've yet to hear
from kiley or brandi.
sometimes, it doesn't
bother me..i think
about both of them
everyday. some may
say it's pathetic to
hold on to people
who have let you go.
*shrugs* i guess
i hate to walk away
when i don't know why?
i crave to understand
people..it hurts my
bones to think about
what i did? was i
a horrible friend?
i've gone over in my
mind a lot ...of last
year. unfortunately a
lot of last year is a bit
cloudy.

how did i lose
it that much last year?

anywho happy mother's day
to those of you who have
the lil'ones and happy
birthcontrol day to those
of you who don't! =)

i truly am grateful
for my mum!! <33
and all the mums i know!
<333

okay!
write me a letter
why don'tcha?
okay.

not only to those
in the swamp and
the prison!
anyone! <33
i love true
snail mail!
miss it like
the dickens.

ps.i quit
smoking and
i made a B in
Spanish I would have
liked an A, but eh.

yesterday at the onion
they were teaching
the girl there spanish i
helped, and then it made
my heart happy b/c i asked
her what her first language
was..and it was swahili..
so i got to speak to her
a very very very tiny bit
in swahili! <333
it reminded me why i
want to work with language.
communication!! <333 is.
beautiful.

it's funny to me everytime
someone says this. it reminds
me of my old neighbor in the
apartments in Pinson. powder
eggs. his aged mother. war
stories. sometimes despite
what they say having parents
who worked late..wasn't so
shabby after all.

my stomach is in knots.
not sure why. because i've
been up since 5:30 stressing
about the last week of school.
b/c i've only had one cig in
two days. left overs from
the past weekends rawr of tummy
troubles.
the past weekend was not mine
to smile.
but i managed.
the car being busted into..
ahh welcome home ritual in
southside i'm convinced.
tummy aches keeping me from
my planned fun. do you know
how much rearranging i did!?
rawr! my grandfather ended
up in the hospital, they
think it's liver cancer.
last year it was bladder
cancer..but that has all
cleared up. hmm. i know it's
wrong, but i can't cry about
it. he's 72, and i can just
picture him being ill that people
keep making a fuss about him.
my aunt also just found out
she is 8 weeks preggars.
congrats. so ofcourse she
is all "why does he have to
die now" i think it's the hormones
as i reminded her "erm, he's not
dead jim!" (ok, her name isn't
jim, but you know!)

in a strange way if anything
else i think he'll live to see
her child be born. people have
a tendacy to do things like that.
people hold on.
it's in our nature.
my granny literally held on until
my mom could get there.
i'm a firm believer your spirit
will keep ya afloat sometimes!

next week will be beautiful.
i will understand spanish.
i will understand what the
hell i'm doing with this
here future.

and yes.
as always.
i adore that man.
<3

yeah.
things are grand.
new apt.
i love.
and.
that boy.
and.
you!


i need a couch.

i hate tuesday mornings
thrift store hunts!

they say apple bananas
are good for foreplay?
this makes my eye twitch
a little.


you should come over
and make shrinky dinks.

or maybe burn some fish.

firealarms.

atleast this time it
isn't b/c the shower
refuses to be on any
other level of temp
than friggen torching
skin peeling hot.

walk.march.dance?

flowers.
they're coming.

the party was smashinggggg dawlin'!
i had a whole heck of a lot of fun
and MC kicked some major ass!! <333
my valentine weekend was great all around
actually!
i received flowers for the first time..
and from a man i once thought would
never..well! what's for thinking!

got to spend some "quality drunk time"
with the girls.
sat was clean a little...sleep a lot ..
we went and saw HoneyDripper ..it was
good! then stayed in and watched A Face
in the Crowd...
woke up early Sunday to watch the
hotel implode. i realize this isn't
much to anyone else, but these are
the things that make me smile the most.
having someone by my side who has just
as much passion, mischief, and longing
for new experience as i do. <33
(maybe a tad bit more!? but he gives
me a good push every now and then!)

someone by my side who loves
to make people say HUH!? just
as much as i do!! hehe.
i adore mike gaut..with all me
bones and tippy toes!

i'm excited about future projects
he's working on!
we'll talk about it later mmkay!

dirt bombs are going to be
at bottletree april fools day!
come on!

spamalot soon!
beach, memphis..
boston in June!

i love my friends and
family and my extended
family at work!
<33

i finally gave in and
purchased a book i said
i didn't need.
we'll see.
(no, not the dictionary!! jack ass!!)
heh.
O_o

in the begining. well it was going
to be a st. valentines day massacre party
and i had planned on a few queenies..
but i still hope some dress up we just
kindof got distracted. but who gives
a feefaaafuck because you're going to
have fun! right! ?
right!
you don't need money just
your own drinking supplies
heh..and your dancing shoes!

model citizen! <333
i'm a happy gal.

things.

finding out the owner and his son of
the pizza joint you were practically raised
in died..was odd. didn't realize how that
would ...make such a O_o make me feel old.
with 28 looming ...and all this grown up stuff..
and bones popping...(it's musical! ha)
kiley had a trial yesterday.
i'm assuming that it was for the theft and
possesion..not the actual murder ...b/c
that wasn't in Birmingham. i don't know how
to feel anymore about the situation.
i could allow myself to get upset about it.
yes...10 years sucked out of my life with a single
bullet...but .....
some positive things have come from this years
crisis overload. =D

i think i have my sweater on backwards.
yes. yes i do.


sorry i try to do these quick updates b/c
i have no computer. i have access to them
at work but it's weird and feels invasive
to write on blogs/journals etc at your
work.. *shivers* i'm at my sister's
and i have no idea how to make her puter
make noise and that makes me sad.
that's the main thing i miss about having
computer access the music. =(
oh well! priorities!

i got a new bed. it's nice.
w00t.

which means my birthday and xmas will be
slim... but that's okie i needed a new bed.

i keep making half ass attempts at quitting
smoking.
i smoke less, but i still smoke so what's the
point?
it would save me money.
i'm horribly broke and the sad things is
i don't remember being this broke when
i was out drinking everynight and had
625$ rent and making less money? how
did that happen!?

(beer must be cheaper than happiness?!)


mike still makes me smile like a goob! =)
he'll be gone a lot the next two months
but eh..that's life. if he weren't doing
what he loved, than he wouldn't be the same
man i heart...so much!

i have my final next week.
interview tomorrow.
erm.


i want a pony!
(no yellow shoes!)

no no red boots with ribbons!

O_o


oh yeah! ha, have you ever
been to the jesus rehab talent
show? i can now say that i have.
i must admit it was a good mix
of entertainment and terror.
it was good to see destin though,
he's put on some pounds so that makes
me happy! it may seem a bit O_o to know
that one of your best friends is in a rehab
that "recovers thru god" but whatever works.
he said we should go christmas carolling and
sing sympathy for the devil. heh. he's still
destin. always will be. we were talking about
working on some projects..writing projects
together. that makes me happy.

that's been the only step in my life that
i need to be proactive about this year.
as this "new" turn or whatever ya want
to call it, has come about this year...
i have never put the effort forth to
really get my writing out there..i've always
had that attitude "i do it for myself, i do
it because i have to..i do it.." and while
that's all great and dandy and it is mostly
true..ofcourse i'd love to be publish ..
the ego myth! we
all want to be able to live out our dreams..
that's just human. we want to be validated
no matter what we proclaim.
whether it be in love, friendships, career
or family. we want someone to be proud.
right?
maybe.

i adore those in my life...
i need to head home.
take a nap before going out tonight.
as i have a busy day tomorrow.

hope you all are doing well this
holiday season!
love ya!
happy holidays!

THE JENA 6 - Why is this not on the news?
Body: Why is this story not on national news instead of a foot tapping incident?

Please look up this story not only from this cite, but from others as well. It breaks my heart that this can still go on in America.


I just learned about a case of segregation-era oppression happening
today in Jena, Louisiana. I signed onto ColorOfChange.org's campaign
for justice in Jena, and wanted to invite you to do the same.

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1917-328215

Last fall in Jena, the day after two Black high school students sat
beneath the "white tree" on their campus, nooses were hung from the
tree. When the superintendent dismissed the nooses as a "prank," more
Black students sat under the tree in protest. The District Attorney
then came to the school accompanied by the town's police and demanded
that the students end their protest, telling them, "I can be your best
friend or your worst enemy... I can take away your lives with a stroke
of my pen."

A series of white-on-black incidents of violence followed, and the DA
did nothing. But when a white student was beaten up in a schoolyard
fight, the DA responded by charging six black students with attempted
murder and conspiracy to commit murder.

It's a story that reads like one from the Jim Crow era, when judges,
lawyers and all-white juries used the justice system to keep blacks in
"their place." But it's happening today. The families of these young
men are fighting back, but the story has gotten minimal press.
Together, we can make sure their story is told and that the Governor
of Louisiana intervenes and provides justice for the Jena 6. It starts
now. Please join me:

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1917-328215

The noose-hanging incident and the DA's visit to the school set the
stage for everything that followed. Racial tension escalated over the
next couple of months, and on November 30, the main academic building of
Jena High School was burned down in an unsolved fire. Later the same
weekend, a black student was beaten up by white students at a party.
The next day, black students at a convenience store were threatened by a
young white man with a shotgun. They wrestled the gun from him and ran
away. While no charges were filed against the white man, the students
were later arrested for the theft of the gun.

That Monday at school, a white student, who had been a vocal supporter
of the students who hung the nooses, taunted the black student who was
beaten up at the off-campus party and allegedly called several black
students "nigger." After lunch, he was knocked down, punched and
kicked by black students. He was taken to the hospital, but was
released and was well enough to go to a social event that evening.

Six Black Jena High students, Robert Bailey (17), Theo Shaw (17),
Carwin Jones (18), Bryant Purvis (17), Mychal Bell (16) and an
unidentified minor, were expelled from school, arrested and charged
with second-degree attempted murder. The first trial ended last
month, and Mychal Bell, who has been in prison since December, was
convicted of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated
battery (both felonies) by an all-white jury in a trial where his
public defender called no witnesses. During his trial, Mychal's
parents were ordered not to speak to the media and the court
prohibited protests from taking place near the courtroom or where the
judge could see them.

Mychal is scheduled to be sentenced on July 31st, and could go to jail
for 22 years. Theo Shaw's trial is next. He will finally make bail
this week.

The Jena Six are lucky to have parents and loved ones who are fighting
tooth and nail to free them. They have been threatened but they are
standing strong. We know that if the families have to go it alone,
their sons will be a long time coming home. But if we act now, we can
make a difference.

Join me in demanding that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco get
involved to make sure that justice is served for Mychal Bell, and that
DA Reed Walters drop the charges against the 5 boys who have not yet
gone to trial.

http://www.colorofchange.org/jena/?id=1917-328215

Thanks.

i almost ran into him with
a banana...
after babbling most of my
break away...
when i realized (due to a
coworker who spotted and
investigated the situation!
heh)
who it was, i'm now glad
that i didn't run into
ken marino with my banana
and brocomush..
heh.
which ever family member
was with him, an older woman..
was so cute when she explained
to another man in their party
"aww, he's still getting recognized
because of The State" heheh.
wish i wasn't so hung that i didn't
say anything just watched it unfold..

g'night to a woman i never knew, and when august comes around..and i'm reminded of ..the chain reaction of her ...life..and country..and feel, as if it were a thief in shape of a bomb. sleep well japan..one day my feet will meet your soil.

born were three
in an august night
a funeral of one
came December's call
left for him now
are two
placed inside my palms
dare not disturb
with a false hand in mine
for such attempts
shall awake a grip
of violence everytime

birthday good.
friends and family rock.
free beers and shots w00t.
music music music.

friggen thomas dolby!!! heh.

seeing old friends..hell yea!!
the end of this year is already
looking better.
getting to see bran in
like, two weeks!!!
yay!!!

hope you are all doing well
this "holiday" season!!!!
love you!!!

go see it!
in 3d if at all possible.

school-done for a second.
life-could always be better and/or worse.
money-mwahahaha what is that ? 
(if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you richer!
-quote of the day from overworkedfriends)
lists. 
sleep. 
whiskey.
nicotine.
i need to quit smoking. 
suggest a book
for me to read! 
now! 
do it! 

hopefully i'll be able to go...the whole new job thing, is still up in the air as to when exactly i'll start. 
the past  few weeks, have been aight. i will warn any and all, that i've been in turbo drunken or bitch mode..
needless to say ...the wrong time to step on my big toe..but the right time to buy me a jager shot, ;)
really, i want so much more out of life..and i've despite what anyone says, believes, assumes...
have been working on that this year. 
school is still going well. 
i want to start working and just go to school..and come out when i can..
i want to save my money for another trip. i need it. (i say that all the time)

things have been rather boring actually. 
i could rant ..but eh..what's the point? 
stupid girls will always be stupid girls
cowardly men will always be cowardly men.
the end. 

hope you all had a good week, a good holiday ..
and have a great weekend *hugggles*

i think it's the laugh that makes this song addictive. 
the past week has been pretty okie dokie. my neice has blue
on her mouth, she thinks crayons are tasty. 
i used to agree with her..about 20 some odd years
ago..the little einsteins...are going to drag me to 
maddness...
i need a job. ha. 
ha.
ha.

it's gonna be a damn fine day.
yes.

indeedy.
=D
just don't break your back.
=D

i'm happy.

hope you're happy to.

good morning new year.

i've been waiting for you.

hope you all had a good one
a safe one
and all that jazz.

my weekend was beautiful.

love you all.