Do you know how many places I applied to? 42! 42 fricking places, and I still don't have a job! I haven't even had many interviews. Now I just walk along some random street applying to all the stores I see along the way. A surprising number of stores are hiring. Anywhere I go I see help wanted signs...you just need to be looking for them. You can be guaranteed to find at least 2 at every major intersection. So why don't I have a job? I do have an interview next Tuesday..at Siblings. That actually seems like a good place to work. I really hope it goes well this time...then I can work there. A friend had an interview there today, and she'll tell me how it goes. I want it to go well for both of us. 

This week has been....alright I guess. I find ways to occupy myself sometimes. Well tuesday i went hiking with people, then wednesday i went shopping with different people. Also got to work at the doctor's office for a little on tuesday/thursday. I mean, it wasn't the greatest, but it was pretty good. This summer so far isn't as sucktacular as I would've thought. At least not as much as last summer...That's why I'm starting to think everything will be ok. But I'm absolutely terrified that it's going to be bad again. I keep thinking this can't last. Then there are moments...when i haven't done much and I'm alone...and I think...whoa, life sucks. That scares me and makes me decide I have issues where i'm no good at just being happy. I'm no good at being alone, it makes me think...and I never think pleasant things.

I'm kinda not sure how this weekend will go, or the rest of the summer. I guess it's always been like that with the not knowing, and I only think the worst. My cousins are here from Montreal, along with my uncle. I don't dislike them or anything, but I rarely see them, so theyre basically strangers. It's just awkward spending time with them, and I'd prefer to do other things. They're 20, 23 and 28, and I just dunno how to interact with them. I guess it's my issues again. Sunday there's an oreintation thingy at Guelph-Humber. It's like a whole bunch of seminars on what you do now, and fun games and stuff. It's supposed to be to meet other students and make new friends or whatever. I'm kind of excited, but also worried that i won't make new friends this time (or ever). I suck at making new friends. Stupid issues. At least it's away from my family, though i'd prefer with my exsisting friends...

So that's everything in a nutshell. 42 places! I couldn't believe it when i was making a list of them today. And there's still a couple more places I haven't been and directions I haven't watched. Hopefully this time next week both my friend and I will have a job (the same one). I really need a job for my sanity, because this summer has been decent i suppose, but the rest of it could still suck and I don't know how to stop it. Especially in the nights I think about how much everything keeps sucking, and how I suck...and how I don't know how to be happy. I do know it helps if I keep myself occupied. I'll try to do that. I'll keep trying. I desperately want to give up at everything, but then nothing could ever get better so I have to keep doing something. Besides, the only possibility for giving up at life I'm not going to think about at all. 

I'll be alright some day. I'm going to believe that. 

Lau

So school's over....no more highschool...it feels very anticlimactic. Surreal. Kind of depressing. Not that I'm not excited to start university. For that I'm totally psyched. I want to start fresh, meet new people, make new friends, take classes I love, try new things and all that jazz. The thing that saddens me is what hapens before then. Summer. I hate summer. Well I didn't used to, but last summer was the worst time of my life...I wanted to just die. Honestly. And this summer could very possibly not be any different. 

Still looking for a  job, but nothing's working. I'm getting tired and frustrated. I want to just give up. I really only want a job to get money and have somewhere to go every day.  Yeah, I could do stuff with friends sometimes. Went shopping with people at Yorkdale today...it was boring,but it got me out of the house. Friends tend to be into being busy or doing things without me. Friends can also be dissapointing and majorly sucky sometimes. That's another reason that the ending of school feels confusing. Sometimes I want to see people for the rest of eternity and be friends forever, other times I never want to see some people ever again. I think the way it'll turn out is somewhere in between, and that's ok. 

Yesterday, being the end of school...is when I got my  marks. They were..let's not speak of them. The exams were pretty bad. The worst was bio...and I told everyone I would fail, and they wouldn't believe me. Well I didn't fail, but it started with a 6...but that's the same idea. At least mine was one of the better marks (Though that's sad) My average went down by 1% (the average of my top 6) so that's bad. It used to be 85, so since it's 84,  I lose 500$ of scholarship money. I know it's not that big a deal, but it is to me. I really don't want to tell my parents...they'll murder me. Frickin murder me. 

So I'm in a real nostalgia mood about school and friends and life in general, so I will add the lyrics of "For Good" from Wicked which ma good way. ake me sad....but in a good way. I need it to remember the good times. 

I have to be the most negative person I know, but i honestly think this. 

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.” - Denis Leary 

Mr. Leary, that's exactly it. I couldn't have said it any better.

So, twas prom Thursday night. Pretty good I suppose, though not as magical as TV made it seem. I loved getting dressed up, and everyone looked so pretty. Dancing was okay soon, but it wasn't really fun. I liked the part after prom where we all went and played in the park and then there was a sleepover. That was way cooler than prom, and i'd do that again and i hope to. Prom...not so much. I guess it was an experience. The food was horrible though. Oh well. 

Day after prom I slept all day. Good times, good times. I got a really nice picture with a guy I barely know...though with my arms around him i told my mom he was my boyfriend. THAT was funnny. My corsage totally died...like pretty much all the petals came off and it turned all brown. Oh well, I wanted to keep it. 

Today I "claimed" one of my friends, and we played guitar hero, are you smarter than a 5th grader, and talked about stuff. Even though it wasn't so long, it was still nice. I hope we can do it again...though I really wish I didn't have to claim her. She's very busy mostly with her better half, you know? So it was nice to spend time with her and not him. I'd really like to do that more. 

So anyways...without further ado...couple of nice prom pics (I hope i do this right! )

Three is as much as I can handle:P Hopefully they look okay. I'm the one in all the pictures in the blue (hopefully most knew that) The only really good part was how nice everyone looked

I got into Western!!!!!! The awsomest program ever, almost as cool as Ryerson. And only 70 people get admitted, and I'm one of said people!!!! If I didn't get into Ryerson (which I still don't know) I'd love to go there. It's so pretty, and I'd get away from my parents, and it's a pretty great program. 

Of course, that creates a dilema. I'm no longer poor like I used to be, but I can't afford to go away to university. That's just a ridiculous amount of money that I don't have. Yes, I'll get scholarships, and OSAP, and I'll work (I'd better get a job ASAP, though I don't know where to find one), and bursaries too. But that's just not enough. So if I didn't get into Ryerson, that's the only other place I'd be happy, but I have no idea how to pay for it. 

When I told my parents...they were proud of me...sure. But they weren't even willing to consider that maybe I should go there. They're just like, no, out of the question. And then when I told them I want to go there if I can't go to Ryerson, they got mad at me for some reason. I know, I know, they can't pay for it, and they want me to be realistic. And I'd have to get OSAP, scholarships and bursaries to go anywhere and live at home. It was a pretty bad argument. 

It made me really want to just leave. But the amount that it costs just terrifies me. I still hate living here, but until I can somehow find a job, it seems like it's not an option. They say they don't prevent anyone from going there due to financial difficulties, but what exactly do they do about that? My mom says i'm a grown up, so I should just pay for it myself. Being a grown up sucks. I really need a job. 

There's me, not being able to be happy about ANYTHING. Not just this, anything. I have 2 projects and a test I need to do for Tuesday, but I just don't feel like it. I'm too sad. Life sucks. Tommorow is mother's day, and my mom said what she wants most is for me to go away from her. Nice, right? I would, but I suck so much that I have nowhere to go. 

I have at least 18 days to figure out my dilema. 

Until next time, 

Lau

So today I went to a cardiologist. I   had to go topless three seperate times. That's right. It  was awkward. First I had an echocardiogram, which is like an ultrasound for the heart. My heart looks and sounds so freaky! The guy was old and didn't speak english so well. That made it worse since i was topless the whole time, and there was lots of touching in an uncomfortable vicinity. when he did the neck part it was uncomfortable too. At least I got to see and hear my heart. Sort of awsomeness.

Then I needed an electrocardiogram. That's basically where they stick a bunch of electrode-y things around the boobs, and the ankles and wrists...and somewhere else I think. So again off with the shirt and bra. This time it wasn't so awkward, since it was a lady, and it was quick. That one showed all the line things for the heatbeat. 

Then again waiting a bazillion hours for the cardiologist to come see me. Again off with the shirt! What's up with that? He was an old man, but thankfully not creepy. He listened to my heart, and my pulse in a lot of areas. Then asked some random questions. So apparently I have a "normal abnormality"...so it's a heart murmur, but it won't hurt me, and there's nothing you could do anyways. It was a relief to know i'm not daying. Just a little malformed...as always. I don't mind being malformed.

I was still super depressed this weekend, more than usual. That's saying something...for me. I'm not exactly happy, or even undepressed...but I think an uncomfortable cardiologist trip did something. No matter how unhappy i am or I get, I'm glad I'm not dying. That's a start right? It may not seem like much, but I'm glad I'm not dying.

In other news, I can't wait fir SVU tonight. Robin Williams + Liv getting kidnapped = the love. At least tommorow there's a trip, so I'm not going to choir. I will get totally lost on that trip though. I have the worst sense of direction, and I get lost everywhere. 

In other other news, Friday in Writer's Craft will be the most funnest class ever. We're working on the written part of our ISP worth 30% of the project. The good part? We get to write 500-1000 words of whatever the hell we want. Total awsomeness write? Writing what I feel for homework is a dream come true. Writer's Craft isn't so bad anymore. It was bad because of a certain boy who doesn't know what he's missing. And I've realized that I'll always like this boy a whole lot as long as I see him everyday. But I've also learned that boys I like will never ever like me so I should get over myself and realize hope and trying are both for losers. 

Okay, now I stop before my negativity gets even worse. 

Until Next Time, 

Lau

I'm going to Montreal tommorow. Really early. I really don't want to go. I hate going there, and I don't care if it's the only time I see my family. I really don't want to go. It's always so stressful there, and it's so awkward around my relatives. Kind of like an interview all the time, but an interview where they don't like me. I went a month ago, why again? Oh right, passover. Even more painfully awkwardness. 

I have so much homework to do too, and I know there'll be absolutely no time to do it. At least I finished my lab. I got a peer tutor for biology, since I'm oh so stupid, and met with her today. She explained a lot to me, and now the world of biology makes sense! I also like how she's patient with my stupidity. Without her, I wouldn't have been able to do my lab. 

The highlight (but the bad kind)  of my week was a very stupid thing I did. Now every day for the rest of the semester, I will die a little inside at school. I'm never ever taking a risk ever again. I learned my lesson the hard and painful way. People always say that if you really want something it's always better to go for it. Well, as a certain French teacher always says, c'est le Bullshit!. It's much less painful to when you want something, just ignore it. Do nothing.

I never thought I could be brave, but then I found my bravery. I never thought I had any strength, but then I found it. Why do I wish I had never decided to be brave and strong? 

Spent all day watching House pretty much. Watch House, and be depressed. My parents are so mean to me, as always. I really don't want to repeat what they say, but they y make me feel like a loser...in fact, that's what they say to me sometimes. Yesterday they wanted to talk to me, which was horrible. Maybe they have a point. Maybe I am as worthless as they say. I don't like me very much. 

House is a good way to waste the day, I guess. I've also been playing guitar hero a lot. I just got it yesterday. It's another good thing that makes me stop thinking and do fun stuff. I still feel so alone. Maybe because technically, I am alone. And I can't help but be miserable all the time. I'm just tired of everything, including being tired of life. I don't know what to do.

I know I should study for my bio test monday, especially since I don't know anything. I just can't understand any of it. I asked for help, but that made it worse. I've just accepted that I'm going to fail, and there's nothing I can do about it. Just like I fail at life. 

There are so many things I don't want to think about right now, that make me worry, or be depressed. I just overthink and keep dwelling. I'm no good at keeping myself occupied.

 Even though I have an aneurysm of the arm, and it neither sounds nor looks good, I'll be fine. The doctor promised. Had to go to Branson today to see a specialist...he said it's just a malformation I was born with. Still need to see a cardiologist too make sure i'm not malformed, and figure out why the doctor heard something wrong in my pulse. But mostly I don't need to worry too much anymore. Mostly I'll be fine. 

After seeing the specialist, my mom bought me a necklace from a lady in the lobby who was selling them. It''s very pretty and wa 5$. At least I got to miss 2 periods, though in bio we do a lot. Who cares about french though. I was also told it's good that my arm aneurysm was painful, meant it was trying to fix itself. So all my panic was almost for nothing. Go me! I have to go see the same guy in 3-4 months,but he told me it's not something that can do harm cause of it's location, and not something that can be fixed cause i was born with it.

Let's just hope I'm not also deformed in the heart, cause that'd actually be bad. I'll probably be fine there too.

Hope everyone had a great April fools!

Oh, The Places You'll Go 

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Yesterday there was a surprise party for me! A whole bunch of friends came, despite all the snow. I knew they were planning something for me, and i knew it was yesterday, but i didn't know it was my mom's idea, or that it was at my house~! It was so totally cool. They all bought me a really nice gold necklace with crystals, and matching bracelet. Mostly we just ate cake, and played DDR, and talked and stuff. It was good. 

Then today, I wrote most of my plan for my novel for writer's craft. Then some my mom's cousin + his wife and kids, and my mom's aunt came over. They both brought me presents as well. I find I don't ave mcuh to say to those people, so a little awkward, but w/e. I got a nice necklace, and a 36$ gift card for urban planet:) 

Tommorow i'm going to Fairview to find a prom dress with Siran. I like doing stuff with Srian, and I'm so going to find a dress that makes me look hot. That should be fun. We always have a good time together. 

There's this bump thing on my arm that hurts when you touch it, and sometimes when you don't. It's on and off, but when it hurts, it REALLY hurts. Like really. It goes away though, then comes back. I'm trying and failing not to worry about it. I have an ultrasound for it March 20 , so we shall see. 

Despite all the good things, I still keep concentrating on my doubts and negativity. I guess I'm no good at being happy. 

More Later, 

Lau

Why I like me
- I'm very nice
- I care about people
- I'm creative
- I can write
- I'm smart
- I'm perceptive
- I can quickly forgive
- Regardless of what I say, I never give up hope
- I'm a dreamer
- I'm determined.