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[[Deep Within Morpheus Creation]]
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[Oct. 13th, 2008|02:30 pm] |
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| blahg |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
i really need to start appreciating the good times in life more than dwelling on the bad times
so many times i jsut get so goddamn caught up in myself, adn my feelings, adn what I WANT, that i jsut completely forget that other people have those same feelings adn wants
im so tired of getting drunk and arguing with chris
aughguhaughauhguahguahga a leo and a scorpio can have the worst arguments i swear.
way too damn stubborn for either of their own good.
i dunnos
last night i cried for over and hour
i jsut couldnt stop
i hurt chris terribly by flipping out on him
i had a terrible day at work... i was there for 9 hours cause it was so busy and i jsut got yelled at and yelled at and yelled at by mass amounts of asshole customers who have obviously never realized that THE WORLD DOESNT FUCKING REVOLVE AROUND THEM adn i jsut started shaking so bad near the last hour, like literally shaking with rage from having to smile at all the people that made me want to cry and so i got Dan to check in my place os i could jsut get away from them for a second.
then i finally got off of work thinking that me adn chris could finish the remaining beers and jsut relax and laugh and forget teh day happened
but when i called chris to see what he wanted to eat i was like "Hi sweetheart &hearts" and he said "HI SWEETHEART!!!" and it felt like he was mocking me and then he said some stuff and it was so obvious he had been drinking and i asked him if he had drank it all and he said "yeah, duh" and i jsut felt so empty... like.... great, im going to have to go home to a belligerent ass whos going to want to make fun of me (he doesnt realize it hurts, he thinks hes jsut funny), and who wants to argue about everything i say
woo hoo
so i came home in a bad mood and it jsut went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy downhill from there... near the end he refused to talk to me and it looked like he was going to cry and i jsut wanted to die from all the guilt that im making my man whose so strong in his emotional defense breakdown adn cry becuase im such a horrid bitch who can't ge tout of herself for a second to consider that maybe he was happy to see me and missed me and .... augh... i knw what you mean mary.... it sucks
i want to scream adn tear out my hair and throw everything within reach at the walls and slice myself to bits and pieces adn bleed everywhere... i jsut wanted to react and all i could do was cry cause i didnt want to hurt chris even more.
i got up today and i jsut felt like i was a barren field that had been burnt to ashes the night before
sometimes i just get so damn scared he will leave me each time i freak out...
i hate that feeling
i wish i could jsut feel safe and secure in his lvoe and not worry that i fuck everything up over and over and over again, and i wish wish wish that i could jsut be rational for one blessed moment. |
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[Oct. 6th, 2008|02:31 pm] |
oh goddddddddddd i did it again
i pissed away another library session to do my homework
and instead was on livejournal
aguhauhguahguahgua
hahaha im terrible :P |
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[Oct. 6th, 2008|02:06 pm] |
oh mary im sorry i wrote a fucking journal entry in yours lol... i didnt even realize how long it was until i posted it and i jsut wanted to delete it from the embarressment of writing so much adn feeling like i made it all about me when i wasnt meaning it like that
adn god the thoughts are turning against me so bad lately
i dont know why.
i feel useless, worthless, disgusting, unwanted
i dunnos why. I was up all night thinking about everything chris has said and it jsut broke me down so bad. Im such a chaotic person and he's such a neat freak that it can be really hard to live with him sometimes.
first of all... i miss color. i miss being surrounded by beauty and pretty things that took away all the sadness from the outside... i miss feeling like i was in a garden dreamworld
heres some pictures from my old room
now with chris its all white walls... with the occasional blakc and white poster of scarface or pulp fiction, black leather couches...
and not much decoration at all... its so stark and bleak, and..... empty.... i hate empty... it makes me feel empty inside nad i hate that
but chris doesnt want me to make the place pretty to live in... hes willing to hang up the pictures tha ti paint but thats it
:/
im thinking about asking vicki to start me up some plants so that we will at least have green in teh house... i miss how my ivy used to be so tall adn wrap around my canopy and then she died and is less than a foot tall now :(
then im a total mess... all my clothes are all over the floor and chris keeps telling me to pick it up but i forget about it everyday
i dunnos
the thoughts are stopping so i guess ill leave now |
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[Oct. 3rd, 2008|07:52 am] |
augh so yesterday suckckckkekcekfkekdddddd
hahaha
my own doing though
i had to work this saturday from 2-9 so i couldnt go to this beatles cover band that my dad was excited about and i felt really bad so i agreed to go to their dress rehearsal to sort of make my dad feel good... i really didnt care, and i dunnos if im much for wanting to spend one of ym free days to hang around a bunch of old guys trying to relive the past
but oh well... i love my dad and i wanted to sacrifice something of myself for him, otherwise if i said no i would have felt like a huge bitch
anywho
so we went out for lunch and i ended up spilling sprite all over my omellete and hashbrowns and myself
very embarrising, if a hole had openend in the ground i would have gladly gone in it.
then we went to the dress rehearsal
MOST
BORING
THING
EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
in case you havent realized, i have no attention span. NONE.
i had to sit on the ground wiht no one to talk to, nothing to do, except watch a bunch of people fix around with amps and monitors and cords and cable and go "check check check" into the microphone for oh.... 4 hours?
i wanted to kill myself thats how boring it was
finally after 6 hours they decided to take a break and my dad asked if i was up to staying or if i would like to go home... i was like "fuck that im going home" cause they were gonna stay till ten. but i said it nicely, i had been yawning since about 2 hours there so i climed sleepiness and he took me home
it was terrible
i was so frustrated from the doing nothing and saying nothing and being nothing and feeling trapped and not able to do anything about it that when i got home i jsut burst into tears, i wasnt sad or anything but i was just so damn frustrated
and yesterday was brittany's birthday and i didnt get to say happy birthday to her so i just sung it after dinner
im addicted to lost as well
ohhhhhhhhhh those cock suckers
always leaving me hanging which drives me nuts
i dunnos what else to say
i have a paper due in class today but i didnt finish ittttttttttttttttttttttttt
that what the teacher gets for saying its not graded :P
no im jsut a lazy bastard and spend all my time on here
anywho chris forgot i had to go to school today and so i had to rush to get out so he wouldnt be late and so i didnt get to eat anything or go pee...
s im going to do it now
much love and stuff
be back on monday ior wahteve *hgugggggggggs*
hope everyone has a lovely weekend
(i have to work :P) xoxoxoxooxx |
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[Sep. 29th, 2008|01:49 pm] |
mmmm
im at a loss for words
i feel like i have something to write
but it doesnt want to come
i was in a terribly depressed mood this weekend... i wasnt sure why...
there wasnt a single thing i could point at to blame... jsut me and my crazy moods
i kept having terrible dreams that chris would flirt with another girl... maybe not flirting but he was talking, and by god im so damn jealous even in my dreams that i felt so betrayed just by him talking
in one of them i saw him talking to a girl in the store, i had been wandering around and found him talking to her and i jsut flipped and ran out of the store... i couldnt bear to tell him to fuck off and i woke up crying
he was by my side and i curled up to him and asked him to get me donuts, knowing he had already gone to breakfast with his dad and he was tired and wanted to lay down... but that wasnt goomd enough, i wanted donuts and i wnated them now and i got mad a him for not jumping up and going to get them nad so i started crying when he was like "no well get some tomorrow"
then finally he said he would go and get them and i refused to let him go because i started to feel horribly spoiled that i was throwing a fit over something so ridiculous about him not wanting donuts and him going to get drunk with his friends and i couldnt make sushi tonight AGAIN (ive been waiting 2 weeks to make it but something always comes up) and then i get mad at myself for even caring about bullshit that i know doesnt matter and i jsut take it out on my poor darling christopher because im a brat
adn the circle continues... i want something, im not getting it so i take it out on the one person i care so deeply about, then i upset him adn get mad at myself for upsetting him, and then i get mad at myself for being mad in teh first place over nothing
augh i drive myself nuts...
he went and got the donuts anyway... god i just wanted to cry more
then his friends show up and i leave for work and dont get to talk to him for 7 hours cause i didnt want to bother him adn get even more depressed that im so needy and dependant
and then i come home and i act like a bitch to chris and he's like "you need some beer" so him and josh went and got me some, and then the rest of the night chris was jsut on the couch being negative nancy and me and josh were talking adn drinking and shotgunning beers and playing drinking games both of which chris said he was tired of doing since they had been doing it all day.
which hurt, because, i wasn't there... i didnt get to join in teh fun, now that im here, why cant you be a little fun with me instead of me having to settle with an uncomfortable feeling for having you friend be there instead
then chris gets pissed off at something and then i get pissed off cause hes being rude, and so josh finally leaves and i jsut flip out when me and chris go to bed
he accusses me of being to "cordial with the guests"
apparently i was ignoring him the entire night
i couldnt beleive he got jealous... i tried so hard to get over myself, i would have preffered if josh was gone so i couldve been with chris alone but oh well i accept it as it happend and im getting yelled at?
eventually we setllled it out.
anywho
dexter adn californication started to night
YAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh
badasss
desxter is my t.v. boyfriend
but dont let chris know cause ill never hear the end of it
:P
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
god i wish
i wish i could write again
im a barren desolate field
but oh the splendour of the flowers and trees adn lakes that shimmer in the haze |
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| back to school |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|10:29 am] |
aguagagahaga
i hate starting school. each and every time its jsut a horrible intense instant panic attack
i feel like im in kindergarten, a child so lost and scared of the swarms of new people
i hate it hate it hate it
im scared to go get something to drinnk because someone will be there right next to me and theyll be there and got i hate being around people im not accustomed to sometimes... especially rude people who stand in front of the door adn talk adn dont move when i say "excuse me" and so i get anxiety and walk all the way around the building to find another entrance
aguahguahguahgua
adn teh classes
oh god
i walked my happy ass to school halfway before i finally caught a bus that actually STOPPED wow what an idea, and then i get here and find out my class was cancelled and that my other class doesnt start till 3
woo hoo
aguahguahguahguahguaihguahguidhdisjahdkjshadksah
i dunnos
and then people
augj
my friend amanda, so sweet and beautiful, keeps asking for my help on how to starve herself adn cut herself adn what not and it kills me to know and remember the person that i used to be who was a prime example of what to do... how to completely stop eating and go to 100 pounds for years.... and i feel so terrible i wish i could shake the desire to starve herself out of her, so i try adn use some psychology and find the real reason she's doing it but she refuses to acknowledge any pain other than wanting to be thin
ouch my head
complain adn bitch
its all i do
lalallaa |
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| i'm back :) |
[Sep. 10th, 2008|01:03 pm] |
hello loves
sorry for the dissapearance
i wish i could say that i never had an oppurtunity to write in here till then but, that would only be partially the truth
let me start from the begginning
so much shit happened this summer. Last summer probably was the best one ive ever had in my entire life, pure honesty, not jsut me looking back adn forgetting all the other possible wonderful ones, which i never really had, last summer was THE BEST. this summer....
probably one of the worst
chris got caught driving with a suspended license so he almost went to jail, and the stupid thing was he didnt even want to drive, his cousin who just got out of rehab was hanging around some old friends and realized they were trying to get him on heroin again and so the only one he could call was chris so chris went and picked him up. apparently some cop was running peoples licenses through his machine or whatever and BAM chris gets pulled over and his cousin cmoes to my work to tell me my boyfriend jsut got put in jail and when i got off i had to bail him out. SO fucking stressfull, but at least i didnt have to pay anything. fucking system makes it so hard to pay, i only had so much money and the bail was way more than i could afford and i couldnt understand why chris wasnt ppaying it so i had to argue with the cop adn use my sweet innocentness charm to get the bail waived which was badass... but i was so fucking terrified, especiialy when i found out that if his parole officer found out about the whole thing chris wouldve gone to jail for over a month... fucking terrifying, but we ended up getting the breathilizer in his car and had to argue with washington state for months jsut to get his license back (just got it back in august and this shit happened in june or so) because they are a bunch on incompetent fucks
anywho
THEN
my sister calls me up and tells me that my mom jsut called the DHS on my sister to try and get her kids taken away because my niece was being "sexually abused" by my sister friend johnny and that my sisters two kids were being "neglected" and then i find out that my mom and aunt ganged up on my sister adn beat the shit out of her. The my little sister kept texting me and trying to get info out of me like the little sneaky brat she is and i told her i wasnt saying shit till my MOTHER got the balls to call adn talk to me herself. well then i get a text back saying "mom says you should suck her balls" so i call up my mom all sorts of pissed and asked her if she really said that and she was like "well yeah you said i needed to grow some balls so you might as well suck them emily" and i couldnt even beleive it. i told her that summer really didnt need to be involved in this and she flew off the handle at me calling my a bitch and an egomaniac and that all i cared about was myself and how no one asked her how she felt that brittany hardly talks to her anymore (she was jsut jealous, thats why all this bullshit happened) and she started screaming at me saying me and my sister were just cunts and bitches and i hung up and havent talked to ehr since.
then my sister decides to move back to oregon on my birthday and thats all yay.
fuck i get so hurt and angry about this.
right after they arrive in oregon the day of actually, brittany and preston decided to live with us. they have two kids and one of them isnt even a year old. then out of nowwhere, less than a week after moving and my birthday (brittany kept talking bout how much she missed me and blah blah blah and she never should ahve left her real family) she fucking sraight up dissapears. preston was saying she was talking to johnny her friend more than him (preston is also chris's best friend) and so he went to find her where johnny was living. he calls us later that night and said that he jsut found out my sister has been sleeping with johnny for at least 5 months, the abortion she had was from johnny, adn he didnt even know if memphis (the baby) was his or johnny's. this was like the second week of august and i havent heard from my sister since. She's even abandoned her kids and goes for over a week without seeing them or talking to them. Im so mad and hurt and upset. She's jsut like my mom.
augh i hate my family
sorry to leave such a depressing journal but that's my summer, adn in a way and explanation as to why i havent been able to try and get on the computer. IT's been way to fucking aughuahguahughuhguahg and so i ended up jsut laying around at home and reading my dirty but melancholy and haunting v.c. andrews.
okay im gonna read some entries of yours or at least try to get to them
i love you all and will start posting happier journals soon ;) |
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[Jun. 10th, 2008|03:53 pm] |
there once was
a cat
her fur, darker
than an abyss
the universe
shone in her eyes
she slinked
through the shadows
her paws whisper
on the ground |
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[Jun. 10th, 2008|10:11 am] |
aguh
auhgauhg
my tummy hurts
i think the ibprofen and the milk this morning didnt work so well together
i have gum problems
its hurts to smile and talk
i heard about florida and their water tornado thing
thought of paul
yay
i dunnos what it is
guilty pleasure
augh
i feel sick thinking about it
maybe its cause i was gonna confess
but i guess my body doesnt want me to
sorrys
i feel sad
very melancholy
like
i dunnos
im worthless
i wish my family could stop trash talking each other for one second
that would be nice
my little sister started talking shit about my dad
my big sister talks shit about my dad
i hate it
augh
its why i dont want to talk to them sometimes
BRITTANY YOU FUCKING LEFT
YOU LEFT ME!
i didnt leave you so why are you getting pissy at me?
you were one of the few peolpe i trusted, i got over myself to call you and hang out with you and you jsut packed up your shit and moved halfway across the country
AGAIN
this is like the 5th time youve decided to leave me and you get upset when i dont put any hope into you coming back, CAUSE YOUR JUST GONNA LEAVE AGAIN
your jsut gonna get drowned in that miserable lifestyle in a miserable town and let your daughter grow up in a town full of crack heads with a bitch of an aunt, and a grandmother who loves herself more than she'll ever love her, and you dont want to listen to the voice of reason from me dad and vicki and its jsut complete bullshit that you would choose a mother who has chosen so many people over you, over a dad who would do anything for you adn you think its fair to talk shit aobut him
do you think mom would have bailed preston out of jail?
do you think mom would care half as much about tessa as vicki does?
do you think mom needs you as much as i do?
augh
godamn
talking to my mom and jsut remembering everything
makes me want to cry
i feel so abandoned by that entire part of my family
no wonder i don't call them as much as i should
they are all strangers
who only care about me superficially, by blood thats it, they dont even fucking know me, dont even try to reach out to me
it fucking hurts
god jsut so much shit
and then i remember Paul adn that huge case of abandonment
no wonder i dont like people very much
augh misery misery misery
i wish chris was here
now that im writing this and getting it off my chest, i jsut wish to god he was here and i could jsut curl up in his arms and forget the world outside of him
aguh
why are people so cruel |
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