Well, since Top Model started up on Wednesday, I was of course there to catch the bizarre hilarity of Tyra and company pretending to be robots from the future who ran the latest cast through the "Model Institute of Technology." Oh lord, the cheeeeeese of it all! It was glorious.

SOOOOO anywho. 14 girls this year. That's more than usual, I do believe. Who wants to be on top (na-na-na-na-naaaaaa-na)? Here's what I make of them so far.

Isis: We must begin with the girl everyone's talking about. Because she's a "girl" in mind only. When they announced that this cycle would feature the first transgendered contestant, I thought she'd at least be, um, post-op. I also thought they might try to go for a slightly attractive person instead of one who makes me subconsciously recoil every time she appears on-camera, but you know that Tyra always believes fugly is "high fashion." I know I sound mean here, but seriously. This is NOT advancing anything or doing transgendered people any favors, no matter what Tyra may think.

Hannah: Instead of the requisite "isolated Mormon girl," this year we get the "isolated Alaskan girl." The piece where she and Tyra run around in a mock-moose-chase was a highlight of the episode, but she's mostly too quiet to make much impression other than, well, "quiet." Although I did love when she snarked on Tyra's impression of a moose. Word to the wise, Hannah: Tyra believes she is god, and loves to smite those who oppose her.

ShaRaun: She seemed to have good looks and a fair sense of modeling, but most important, she oozed with real confidence, telling everybody within earshot "I AM America's Next Top Model!" And you know what that's always meant: The girl who says that at the start always comes close to winning or just flat-out wins (See: Jade, Saliesha, Dominique). In a startling turn of events probably designed entirely to startle, though, she winds up kicked out in the first episode! Why? No, nothing to do with her modeling, silly - that's just too damn sane. It was because they hated her confidence! Even though they loved it in every single contest before now! Way to find new and exciting ways to annoy, judges! On the upside, I always hate this kind of girl (well, except Jade, she was hilarious), so it's not exactly a big loss to me.

Sheena: After delivering the best reflexively-nonsensical quote of the night early on - "Sheena is Sheena!" - Sheena settled in to be one of the more attractive models. Given that she's an Asian girl from Harlem with spunk and some measure of prettiness, I suspect she will go far... but as noted above, I've been wrong before.

McKey: "Mixed martial arts" girl who can't stop punching EVERYTHING. Okay, so far she hasn't punched any people. But she punches the air, she punches the walls, she beats the ever-loving shit out of a pillow. And during her photo shoot, what does she do? She shadow-boxes! Yeah, I think she's gonna need a new schtick FAST.

Brittany: She's either a great poser or entirely too statuesque and un-fluid for this competition. I can't decide which yet, it's too early. Call me in a few weeks.

Elina: LORD, are you ever the walking cliche. You only wear black, you hate skirts, you're bisexual and oh yeah, a militant vegan. Also, SURPRISE, she's 19 years old! Honey, are you sure you aren't just here because of some bizarre political agenda? Also, your eyes kinda freak me out. I'm not sure why. This too shall pass.

Lauren Brie: Who are you? Were you even IN the premiere?

Clark: Step forth, girl with the boy's name, for I hereby declare thee to be the Official Group Bitch... which means she's gonna go far, no question. But not win. Just come close. She brags about how she's "competitive" and that means she'll "stab someone in the back or manipulate" anyone to get ahead. Read: Superbitch.

Marjorie: She's adorably insecure and pessimistic! I like her already, especially the part where she talks about prepping herself for the worst possible criticism to get thrown at her. She talks about how she doesn't really fit in with the rest of the girls and looks nothing like them. The soundtrack over her scenes is constantly "French music," and I mean that in the most common cliche sense, because she moved to America from France at the tender age of six. Naturally this means she has no accent and no hint of anything French about her, which makes the soundtrack seem like it's disassociated from reality.

Joslyn: Lady, I saw you, but you made no real impression. Neither here nor there. You seem background-fadey, which actually is a point in your favor. It's sure as hell better than being Clark.

Nikeysha: Had one of the weakest photos of the first outing and also isn't that far removed from Isis in attractiveness. And for the record, I can say things like this because you all think you're pretty enough to be models, and I'm here to cut you down a peg. You don't see ME trying to model, yo. I know better than to believe I'm attractive!

Analeigh: Kind of cute and giggly. I like her so far. I think it's something about the funny shapes her hair tends to make that amuses me.

Samantha: A good note to go out on - she almost seems like your typical blonde Barbie until she opens her mouth and rasps and gags because she's, from the sounds of it, probably an 8-pack-a-day smoker. Also, opening her mouth is bad for another reason in that she's coming off as annoying in her interview segments so far. So this one currently is unfavorable, but not too far gone to salvage.

Fantastic Four: J. Michael Straczynski, Vol. 1 - Before we had endured the horrific "Civil War" storyline, one of my very favorite comic runs of all time came to an end: Mark Waid's tenure on Fantastic Four. I still go back and re-read it sometimes. Now, obviously, after one of your favorite runs by any writer on any comic EVER ends, it's really hard to read the follow-up. So I avoided JMS' run on the FF for a few years, fearing that my love for Waid would color my opinion. After enduring all the bullshit that the FF got put through during and after the Civil War storyline, though... well, the worst that JMS could throw at me was no longer scary. I saw his first volume on sale for cheap, and I took the plunge.

The main story deals with Reed being brought in by the government to oversee a project to fly 40 men and women into a cosmic storm matching the one that granted the FF their powers. In other words, the government wants to create a "Fantastic Forty" army for themselves. This SHOULD be a great launching point for ethical dilemmas on the part of Reed, questions about what form the powers will take... but once the latter idea is raised once, the story veers off wildly. And I mean fuckin' WILDLY. Pretty soon a shadowy telepathic creature from space is taking Reed back in time and using him to create the universe after the Big Bang, logic is forgotten and WTF-ness reigns supreme. The story feels like a retread in many ways, including the part where Reed winds up on the government's bad side by taking a questionable stand (Waid did this just a year prior to this storyline), and the sub-story where child services threatens to take Franklin and Val away from Reed and Sue - holy crap, I swear this is an idea that's been discussed to death, even if it hasn't been written out on paper. Should I give JMS any kudos for actually writing it down, though? Because the ol' "child services in superhero universes" issue is discussed jokingly, and then everybody agrees it's something we're glad comics don't bog themselves down with, like the question of whether Reed has ever had sex with Sue from across the hall. WE DON'T WANNA GO THERE! It's every bit as annoying and unpleasant as it sounds.

I'm left with the feeling that JMS at least writes a Johnny that's smarter than the dumbass we're often given, and his Sue is fairly on-point, but we barely touch Ben and his Reed isn't nearly as pleasant as Waid's (though certainly not as bad as the Civil War Anti-Reed version either). All in the service of a story that is part old news, part bizarre and disjointed. In short: Pass.

Daredevil Visionaries: Frank Miller, Vol. 3 - So everybody knows that Frank Miller made Daredevil popular again in the early '80s by introducing Elektra and then soon killing her in such a dramatic fashion, right? That was collected in Vol. 2 of this series. Vol. 1 was just some stories that he did artwork on - nothing that had his writing, so it wasn't worth much. Miller is mostly remembered for the Elektra saga, and then subsequently for writing "Born Again" in the book years later, as well as his take on the origin of Daredevil in "The Man Without Fear." A lot of people forget, however, that after he did the Elektra saga on the comic, he still hung around to write many more issues before departing the series. All of those remaining issues, the ones that come AFTER Elektra's death but BEFORE he came back and did "Born Again" are collected here in Volume 3.

And they're balls-out awesome. These days it's easy to forget how good a writer Miller used to be - I mean, All-Star Batman & Robin is a fuckin' TRAIN WRECK, and when he writes shit like that and the abominable "The Dark Knight Strikes Again" he loses a lot of the goodwill he gained for doing "The Dark Knight Returns," "Born Again" and the story of Wolverine in Japan, you know? The sad fact is that he got too old, cynical and, um, kind of crazy to write superheroes anymore. But back in the early '80s, he completely knew what he was doing.

The stories here include the first meeting between the Punisher and Daredevil, who were destined even then to be long-term opposites. They also feature Matt's relationship with the Irish lady Heather, and how it's influenced by his grief over Elektra, which drives him to do some not-so-nice things in the pursuit of some normalcy in his life. Then the Hand shows up, and their attempts to resurrect Elektra drive a multi-issue arc. Although they ultimately fail, you learn a lot about Matt, Foggy, the Black Widow, Stick and others in the process. Finally there are a couple of one-shots, including a surprisingly funny outing in which Foggy tries to fake his way into the criminal underworld by pretending to be a hitman - who knew Miller could do comedy? - and a very dramatic piece where Matt sits over the hospitalized Bullseye and plays Russian roulette with him while telling the story of his guilt over a recent tragedy. The last one might be my favorite of the whole book. It then closes out with two oddities - a pair of "What If?" issues that Miller did, one which has Matt being recruited by SHIELD after he is blinded in his youth, and the other that explores what would've happened if Bullseye had never killed Elektra. Curiosities at most, the latter being the more intriguing of the two and the former being rather bland.

Most people don't seem to even know these stories exist, and it's a damn shame. They are fantastic, well worthy of being held up against his best work on Daredevil or Batman for that matter. And another book I got on the dirt-cheap... though at least this was well worth my time.

Today is such a day.

Reading the political coverage... I see the Republicans crying "DISGUSTING, DEPLORABLE SEXISM!" whenever someone brings up how Palin has even less experience than Obama. Obama's campaign, of course, can't be the one to point this out, because although Republicans have no trouble spreading filthy fucking lies about him ("He's gonna raise taxes on the middle class!" [If the middle class makes over 200,000 a year, then yes] and "He wants to murder your babies in their hospital beds!" [Isn't accusing any politican of promoting post-birth infantcide the most patently ridiculous thing anyone's ever said?]), when it comes time to raise even reasonable questions about the bullshit strewn in their direction, they are PANSIES.

Although maybe for good reason, because they'll just get hit with "YOU'RE A HIDEOUS, SICKENING SEXIST!" This is what the Republicans say any time anyone even MENTIONS that Palin is female and has other female family members, to boot. On the other hand, if Obama so much as says that he "looks different than past presidents," do you remember what the Republicans did? They screamed "HE'S ACCUSING US OF BEING RACIST! HE'S PLAYING THE RACE CARD!"

Dear God, I just want to see a meteor hit the twin cities and wipe them all out. Is that too much to ask?

How did this happen? I turn around for two seconds and the new TV season is upon me!

- TONIGHT marks the arrival of Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model. So far it looks to be an even more cynical affair than usual - after a plus-size model won the competition for the first time last season, Tyra has seemingly responded by removing ALL plus-sizers from the running, leaving us with nothing but depressing bonefish. I expect plenty of drama to center around the fact that Isis, however, was born a man. Tyra had previously said that all contestants had to be "born female" to be considered, but it seems the rules have changed. My main hope for the year: Dear god, please let this be less blatantly predictable than the majority of last year.

- Next Monday, September 8th, brings my most-anticipated television return of the year - Terminator! The Sarah Connor Chronicles is back with more cast members than ever, and supposedly picks up right from the end of the season 1 finale. I haven't had a chance to revisit season one, so I'm going to have to skim over some recaps to remind myself of a few of the deeper ins-and-outs before this one starts up. I believe we last left our heroes in trouble with the mafia over the lingering Turk issue. And Cameron has a date for the prom. HEE. God, I hope that plays out as hilariously on TV as it does in my imagination.

- On Monday, September 22nd, I have to decide whether I care enough about Heroes to keep watching. A three-hour premiere is going to take up the first night, which is going to have to be second priority behind Terminator of course. As Maria accurately observed, this is a show that you would expect to be a lot better than it actually is - the potential is obviously there. And certainly I've noticed it frequently feels more boring than it has any right to be. Sometimes I found it pretty compelling, though, when I got on-board partway into the second season. It's a tough nut to crack.

- On Sunday, September 28th - the day before my birthday - The Amazing Race comes back for its 13th year. I have to admit that, since I can't maintain my usual tradition of watching the show with dontevenknow any longer, that kinda takes some of the luster away from the proceedings. Plus the presence of some unpleasant perennial traditions in the cast list - oh look there's a team of annoying young blondes in pink! - is a further turnoff. But you know it's still one of the most exciting and well-produced shows on TV, and there IS some originality on display as well... I mean, elderly hippie beekeepers?! That's pretty inspired.

- Friday, October 3rd brings the first episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which will premiere in prime time on Cartoon Network before running as-yet-unscheduled encores on TNT later in the week. You probably remember that the theatrical pilot movie... didn't exactly inspire me. I expect this stuff to play better on TV, however, and since it's Star Wars I'm morally obligated to give it at least a few episodes to try and capture my attention and imagination. If this doesn't work out for me within a month, though, I expect it to be rapidly hitting the chopping block, which is just downright sad considering the overflowing potential inherent to animation.

Even with nothing else grabbing my attention in the immediate sense, this is already too much! Man, I barely have enough time to maintain my gaming priorities, and now TV is jumping into the mix. Maybe I can try to watch episodes of some of these things while I'm online. That might be the simplest solution.

- My grandfather's funeral was as nice as such things can be, I suppose. Pallbearing was kind of a surprise because I always thought it was mostly for show. But no, those things are seriously heavy. I did get to see a lot of family members during my visit that I hadn't seen in a long while, albeit under clearly negative circumstances. He was given full military honors for his service in World War II, and those were even performed by his specific branch. My dad spoke at the funeral and did a fantastic job, I have to say. I choked up at some of his words about his dad, he was really better than he gives himself credit for.

- My trip with Maria was the perfect rebuttal to that period of sadness. It was really wonderful. I loved being with her for so many days in a row, getting to go out to eat and drive and sing songs and watch TV and see movies and visit the Henry Doorly Zoo. We saw Mamma Mia!, which was cute times and probably the most pleasant way you could hear ABBA music these days, all told. There will be many zoo pictures forthcoming, with my usual emphasis on fishy photos. In addition to watching The Daily Show and Rush Hour 2 and Diary of a Mad Black Woman on TV during our mini-vacation, we also bore witness to McCain's bizarre VP nomination on Friday morning. This column says everything about that subject that needs to be said, and better than I could say it.

The weakness of DC Comics adaptions at the box office has always been the fact that DC is owned by Warner Bros. Whereas Marvel can allow numerous studios to milk their properties, DC has to count on just one, the big WB. And unfortunately, the big WB is usually run by clueless idiots.

So Warner Bros. Pictures President Jeff Robinov has announced that they intend to buckle down and focus on strong standalone films for their superhero characters. He has officially declared that there will be no sequel to Superman Returns - oh happy day! - but instead, the character will be relaunched with a new movie in the next few years. In addition, this piece goes on to list some of the characters who have projects in "active development": A third Batman movie, a new Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and The Flash.

Unfortunately, the above article also includes this quote:

Like the recent Batman sequel -- which has become the highest-grossing film of the year thus far -- Mr. Robinov wants his next pack of superhero movies to be bathed in the same brooding tone as "The Dark Knight." Creatively, he sees exploring the evil side to characters as the key to unlocking some of Warner Bros.' DC properties. "We're going to try to go dark to the extent that the characters allow it," he says. He notes that goes for the company's Superman franchise as well.

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back in Clusterfuckland, the place where Warner Bros. feels the most cozy.

Look at the list of characters mentioned on that article as being in "active development": Do you wanna see a dark, brooding FLASH? Do you wanna WONDER WOMAN get grim-n-gritty? Boy, I can't wait to see GREEN LANTERN sit around in the dark of night, growling and crying.

And how about a Superman movie that looks like some fucked-up Elseworlds comic where he's a rampaging asshole?



What in frig's crap.

This approach might work for some of DC's characters - Green Arrow, maybe. Aquaman, most likely. Martian Manhunter, definitely. But beyond that, pretty much a no. (Especially to Flash, a-hem.)

Even so, it's still early. If you pit Superman against a dark enough protagonist, the movie could be more "brooding" in TONE without ever erasing the fact that he is a beacon of hope - so with any luck, they're headed in the direction of a movie with Darkseid or Doomsday or a full-scale Brainiac invasion or the like. It could be done. But I don't really know if I want to see Superman himself really "brood," as he floats over the city, because that path can too easily lead to the stalkerish tendencies celebrated in his last flick.

On the ol' Superman Threat Level Alert scale, I figure we're early enough in the development of this new film that it's hard to say where things are going... but right now news bodes somewhat ill. On top of that, Smallville is still on TV, so I'd say we're currently at about stage Green, with the possibility for a downgrade to Yellow in the near future. Things have been worse, that much is certain.

Funeral is tomorrow. Planning to pull an all-day trip out to St. Louis and then back, starting in the wee hours of the morning and ending in the double-digits of the P.M. As long as I'm awake enough to bear some palls, I should be all right.

After I return, I'll soon be leaving on a trip with Maria. We're going to go up to see her parents and then stay at a hotel in Omaha while we visit the zoo there. I'm really looking forward to it. I already was excited to take a trip with Maria even BEFORE my grandfather died, but now it's going to be even more of a great release.

The search for the Grail is the search for the divine in all of us.

And for a cup big enough to hold a human head.

So I've been asked to be a pallbearer. I can't adequately express how much I'm not looking forward to that duty. Otherwise I still have no date or time for the ceremonies. Meh.

My grandfather (on my dad's side) had a stroke last night. He barely lived long enough for my dad to drive out to St. Louis from Wichita, hold his hand and say goodbye.

Then I dropped my phone in the toilet and it stopped working even though I pulled it out within 2 seconds. So yeah, I was out of communication during a family death. And now I lost all my phone numbers.

So hey, do me a favor. If I used to have your phone number, please give it back to me in the box below (along with your name as a reminder of who to attach it to). Don't worry, answers will be kept private and only viewable to me.

Poll #1247634 What was your phone number?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None

What was your phone number again?

We'll be heading out to St. Louis for the funeral either Tuesday or Wednesday. Given that he had Alzheimer's the past few years, for some of us, it's strange... we kind of already said goodbye to him because he didn't remember us and even feared us as "strangers" at times. On the other hand, for my dad and of course my grandmother, this is still hard.

It's official.

Both the script and novelization have now confirmed my worst fear about the ending of The Dark Knight. How fucking lame.

Yes citizens, "Stargate: Atlantis" - the show which Stargate fans have hailed as "okay" and even "meh" - has been cancelled after five seasons. Um, mostly. I mean, it's still gonna get direct-to-DVD movie follow-ups.

Just listen to this sampling of the fan outcry over at GateWorld:

- "I'll miss the show, since there's nothing else on at that time."

- "A shame. I think I liked this show mostly because it was the last place to find spaceship porn on TV."

- "I have to say, I am a bit disappointed."

Okay, so there ARE some messages from people who were genuinely invested in it, too. But seriously, it's kind of amazing that a show that generated so little passion from its own fanbase managed to last five years while shows with passionate online followings drop from the networks like flies every few months. But then, the Internet is never a microcosm of reality, for good or ill.

Those who live for the opportunity to swallow weekly adventures in the Stargateverse can look forward to a show titled "Stargate: Universe" that premieres on the Sci-Fi Channel in the summer of 2009. There's your spaceship porn, yo.

The recent release of The Clone Wars have led Maria and I to revisit some of the main series of Star Wars films. This in turn has caused me to conduct informal surveys of opinions on some of the various web sites I frequent - places like the ComingSoon boards, reading through vile AICN talkbacks and similar shit like that.

Here is the majority opinion result:

1) The Empire Strikes Back
2) A New Hope
3) Revenge of the Sith
4) Return of the Jedi
5) Attack of the Clones
6) The Phantom Menace

Some observations:

- It's surprising how there were shockingly few dissenters with this overall ranking. I really expected people to drop ROTS down below ROTJ once the hype around its initial release died down, but it seems the Sith-love and Ewok-hate still holds a firm grip on the fanbase.

- A few of the relatively small number of vocal dissenters felt that A New Hope was the best of the series, and even more minority-complainers argued that ROTJ should actually rank BELOW Attack of the Clones. Do not stare too long into the eyes of the latter group, for therein dwells only madness.

- Seriously, the ROTJ hate has gone way too far - people are so desperately anti-Ewok now (OMG THEY DARE TO BE CUTE AND THEREFORE MUST DIE!) that they manage to even block out the dark and compelling tug-of-war that's played out with Luke's inner demons in the Emperor's throne room.

- What I can read from this is that people believe Star Wars Is Serious Business. The original film gets a pass into the top echelon simply for being the first, but beyond that, the fanbase seems to want their Star Wars "grim-n-gritty," and everything else can go fuck itself. This is kinda like all those Transformers fans who believe all the robots should only be colored black and gray and be killing each other and talk in deep growling voices all the time, because lightheartedness be DAMNED!

- Alternate Hypothesis: Fanboys are bitter and love to hate.

Being that I am the master of minority opinions, allow me to give you my own approximate rankings:

1) Return of the Jedi
2) The Empire Strikes Back
3) A New Hope
4) The Phantom Menace
5) Revenge of the Sith
6) Attack of the Clones

And related notations:

- I still like Ewoks, so fuck tha hatas. Always liked them, still do, don't get the hate. Granted, I never saw their spinoff movies, but maybe I should look into that. I'm sure that would make me at least mildly dislike them, but whatever.

- Sometimes my taste for 1 and 2 flips. After a recent viewing of Empire, though, I'm currently swaying strong into the Jedi category.

- My opinion on 3 and 4 actually flips sometimes, too. Seriously, I'm admitting that. Publicly. I still dig Phantom Menace that much. It feels more in keeping with the OT than the other prequels do to me (probably partly because of being based more on real locations and sets), and it mixes that feel with a strong sense of uniqueness in the series that is all good to my eyes. And Jar-Jar/Gungans have never been objects of my ire - I actually appreciate their originality, and more importantly, I do not think Star Wars Is Serious Business.

- Attack of the Clones is the only one of the series with some chunks that actually make feel annoyed and bored. There are certainly moments that annoy me and raise my hackles in other films, but so much as that one, so it takes an easily last place on my list. Don't get me wrong, I still like it more than I dislike it. In fact, I think if you held a gun to the average Star Wars fan's head and asked them for their opinion on EVERY SCENE and EVERY LINE OF DIALOGUE in the prequels, they would rapidly discover that they like a hell of a lot more than they dislike. But alas, I do not have the resources to execute such a plan.

Co-Worker Quote of the Day: "I've got two sets of four, so you know, four times two, that's like... seven of 'em."

So Maria and I played some Ghost Squad together on my Wii a couple of weeks ago, it was a lot of fun. Hopefully we can do it again some time, and I also have plans to pick up "House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return" for my Wii so we can continue the theme of arcade-style point-and-shoot action together.

After they published "House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return," a lot of people were like, okay, why didn't you put the first one on there, and more importantly, why didn't you just publish House of the Dead 4, which has been in arcades for a couple years now but still hasn't been ported to a home console? And now Sega has responded by... making an entirely new, FIFTH House of the Dead game for the Wii! Whaaaaaaaaat?

So yeah, The House of the Dead: Overkill is all 1970s Funkytown Grindhouse-style with the disco and the hilariously overdramatic announcer. I'm not kidding about the announcer or the whole '70s bit. It's a prequel game, and for real, watch this trailer for it. "So frightening, it'll make you cry BLOOD from your OWN EYES!" Amazing. Just for the record, if I actually bled from my eyes after playing a video game, that would seem to me to not be a selling point.

If the whole "Let's just make a brand-new point-and-shoot game instead of finally letting you play the fourth one at home" logic doesn't baffle enough, the whole "let's make it a prequel" decision inspires even more DoubleYou-Tee-Effs. The third game ended with a bunch of mysterious hints at new characters and new threats for the next one. Then they made the fourth one, which totally ignored these hints in favor of being a midquel that takes place between the second and third games. And that fourth game ended with even MORE oblique hints at what comes next, after the third game... are you keeping up with this? So yeah, now the fifth game is here, which is actually a prequel to the WHOLE SERIES, and therefore the various sequels hints from 3 and 4 are STILL going unanswered. Right now, the continuity of the series is...

1) House of the Dead: Overkill (5)
2) The House of the Dead
3) The House of the Dead 2
4) The House of the Dead 4
5) The House of the Dead 3

And aside from me, I'm pretty sure no one cares enough about this series to even notice how insane this through-line even is.

It's pretty obvious that The Clone Wars is just three episodes of a TV show that someone glued together. For better or worse. Yes, there's a somewhat self-contained story, but sadly that's not enough to keep this from feeling incredibly haphazard. Characters appear and disappear with no explanation, there are three somewhat-obvious mini-arcs within the larger story that each take up the expected half hour of your time, and most importantly the whole thing seems low-rent compared to a theatrical release. Of course, we knew that going in thanks to the early reviews, but it was still kind of shocking to me to note that even Star Wars VIDEO GAMES have a fuller musical score than this theatrical-release film managed to have. It sounded like we went from full orchestra in the movies (and games) to like, 10 dudes on a street corner who are probably stoned while trying to play the classic themes.

The story deals with Jabba the Hutt's son being kidnapped. The Separatists want the Hutts to blame the Jedi for the kidnapping despite orchestrating it themselves. The whole point is to gain favor with Jabba and thus use of his trade routes for troop movements during the war. Meanwhile there's a B-plot about Obi-Wan manuvering Anaking into getting a padawan he doesn't want. It's actually all more boring than it sounds, if you can believe that. The padawan in question, Ahsoka, is actually kind of cute in concept and kind of annoying in practice. If you thought Obi-Wan and Anakin's relationship was dysfunctional, wait until you get a load of how much these two dislike each other. Despite the undercurrent of concern for one another that runs between them, they spend the whole movie trading insults and barbs, bitching about how much the other one sucks Force lightning for quarters. Not a great way to endear us to someone who I really wanted to like - I've wanted to see an ass-kicking female Jedi for quite some time now, and she isn't really that, although her unique lightsaber combat style, done with an underhand pose, is pleasurable, and the amount of joy she takes in being a Jedi is also kind of nice - I like it when they show us that the Jedi Temple ain't just a bunch of scowly motherfuckers sharing ponderous ruminations, but also has energetic people who ENJOY what they do.

Over the course of the three "episodes," I genuinely liked one (the second third with lots of great set pieces and cool moments), thought one was... eh, okay (the last third) and thought the first third was pretty much crap. The end result? Boredom, which might have been alleviated if I watched this on TV. The art style doesn't help much either - the creators say that they wanted this to look like marionettes or maquette statues come to life, and it DOES look like that, but that doesn't mean I think it's a GOOD design scheme. It's pretty... stilted.

Christopher Lee voices Count Dooku, and is the only original cast member to get a fairly sizable part here. Samuel L. Jackson and Anthony Daniels are also here for glorified cameos. The rest of the crew is handled by soundalikes (and some sound-nothing-alikes, as in the case of Anakin). Be on the lookout for an alien who wishes he were Sean Connery and a Hutt who is a hilariously over-the-top effiminate gay stereotype. Must be seen to be believed. This one was a disappointment to me. Maria was also kinda blah on it, but actually less harsh about it than I was when we discussed it in the aftermath. Will I give the TV series a shot when it starts airing in October? Sure, I'll still try to care. But my enthusiasm has diminished.

This weekend we get... the three-part pilot episode of a "Star Wars" TV series, slapped into movie theaters for a quick buck!

But seriously, you guys. Here is the first Star Wars film made almost entirely without George Lucas - something angry fanboys have been asking for ever since they bitched and moaned about Episode I. Lucas basically told the creators that this would take place during the Clone Wars, told them to "make it look like something no one's ever seen before," and then walked away. And then later came back to approve the addition of this Ahshoka chicklet, or whatever her name is.

So if this movie is as nasty as the reviews currently indicate, I expect all the Lucas-hatas to apologize for ragging on the prequels. Yeah, okay, not really. I ACTUALLY expect them to somehow blame Lucas for the movie sucking even though he barely had fuck-all to do with it. THAT would be par for the course.

Personally, I expect little more from "The Clone Wars" - the movie AND series - than I did from the 2D-animated "Clone Wars" series a couple years back; the one that was all action, no character, minimal plot and VERY over-the-top, yet still had a few cool ideas within its walls. Particularly the handling of one Asajj Ventress, the "Dark Acolyte" of Count Dooku who has menaced our heroes throughout the 2D series, a whole buncha books, and now returns to menace shit up some more.

I feel kinda bad for Maria, who has agreed to accompany me to this movie, because I get the feeling it will not do much to make her a bigger Star Wars fan. Though I should not presume to know the outcome of events that have yet to pass. At any rate, the reviews today have been full of anger and bitterness, particularly from people who thought they were getting a movie rather than a pilot episode for the new series. Which is not to say that the movie/pilot doesn't have a self-contained story — just that it lacks the production values of a Kung-Fu Panda or a Wall-E by a CONSIDERABLE margin.

When in doubt, blame the cancer patient for the fact that her husband cheated on her. Even other conservatives are cringing at this one.

I love it when Rush proves how irrelevant and disconnected from reality he's become.