i just read a thought-provoking article in the washington post on America's reaction to Michelle Obama (read it here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/18/AR2008071802557.html?nav=slate). at the heart of the article is the question: will pop culture, and by extension, the whole society, ever be able to see black women for all their nuances, and not simply as "angry" or hyper-sexual objects.

my mind's racing, so i can't post with any coherence right now, but i will come back to this topic.

each time I finish a project, I promise to reward myself for the 11 hour days (for months on end) and the successful show. I never do. this time, i decided to keep the promise to myself.

I headed over to Holt's last weekend and went straight to the purse section, intend on buying myself a gift. the sales woman offered help, and i accepted. I explained that i wanted to buy a new purse and that we may as well get it over with and find a Marc Jacobs, because that's all i seem to buy. she showed me some Marc ones, a fabulous Donna Karan, some Gucci (until she pulled herself together, commenting "what am i doing? you're a Marc Jacobs girl; you'd never like Gucci!" lol). finally, she showed me some stuff by a new designer named Gryson. i loved it - it had both a shoulder strap and a messenger strap, was beautiful Italian pearlized leather, had great detailing and gold hardware. SOLD! I was so happy - i bought a purse that wasn't MJ (see? i don't just have one style!) and i got it at a great price.

Wrong on both counts!!!

1 - I researched Gryson; she's the former director of design for Marc Jacobs. you can run from a design house, but you can't hide, apparantly! do i have a type or what?!
2 - looking at the description on the tag, and researching the real retail price, it is now clear to me that the tags had been switched and i paid less than 1/4 of the cost of purse.

I had a small dilemma about it, but i'm over it now. I didn't do anything wrong and was unaware of the price discrepency until days later.

...and that's the story of my new purse!

a few weeks back, my friends and i went diving through a box of old love letters from high school. not ours, my husband's. we were having a bar-b-q and this provided an endless source of amusement. the angst! the drama! the seeking! the insecurity! it was all GOLD. truly, some of the best stuff we'd read in a while.

after having a good laugh, we packed up the letters and went on with our meal.

it seems i've invited something into my life - one of the letter-writers (T's old gf) this week contacted him on Facebook to ask a question. in the course of the note, she made reference to me and the "awesome" life T and I lead, then confessed (prefaced by "I hope i'm not overstepping...") that every time she hears certain songs (I won't list them, for fear of inviting a resurgence of 90s pop ballads into my life) she thinks of him. also, that he once promised that he'd always think of her when certain other cheesy 90s pop ballads were played.

i don't know how i feel about this.

let me pose a moral question:

If you're in a state - a real emotional mess - and you cheat on your partner, do they deserve to know? what if it wasn't about the relationship, it was solely about your emotional state and confusion and trauma?

i can't wait for september to come. i think it will mark a whole new chapter in my life. i'll be done my 3rd season of the Festival, and, with any luck, ready to move onto a new challenge. I'll be finished school at long last - finally convecating in October! i'll have so much time on my hands - without course work and studying and writing essays i'll be able to have hobbies! i can take up yoga! go back to french class! Pick up piano again! renovate my laundry room! whatever will i do with all that spare time....?

the MMVAs are tomorrow, and we had a pre-party to attend tonight. I met Joe and Jordan from New Kids on the Block. pics are on Facebook. best night ever!!!!

how does this happen to me? was it the two bottles of wine, or the bottle of prosecco? either way, i ended up drunk off my ass at 9pm last night, and throwing up on the drive home. stylish!

I. am. never. drinking. again. until next weekend!

so, i've been trying to follow this radical acceptance thing, and am getting better at it. I'm taking things as they come, trying to stay non-reactive, and also trying to observe myself. because i'm self-absorbed, i'm finding the last part fascinating. :-) it's amazing how taking a few steps outside of my head enables me to see triggers coming, and watch myself having ups and downs, and yet staying detached, knowing it'll all end soon enough.

I'm thankful for this blossoming talent, as I work in the most reactive, drama-rama place on earth! well, maybe not "the most", but it's pretty dramatic. i've always been good at staying cool and not freaking out or worrying, but now i'm also able to not let other people's egos and shit effect me.

it's a weird feeling - i'm peaceful, but i feel alienated, as if staying unaffected by their drama is lessening my intimacy (?) with them. like i'm not part of their lives anymore... or not as closely tied to them...

my SIL's diagnosis has got me thinking about the difficulty of watching someone you care about when they are ill or suffering in anyway. I don't know if it's worse to experience it yourself, or to watch someone you love go through difficulties.

last fall, i had a long talk with my uncle, J, whose wife, S, had a dreadful back injury and was debilitated for months and months. she couldn't work, could hardly sit or stand for long periods, and spent ages in bed. It was brutal for her, as S is a vibrant, social and busy person; it was also hell for J. he spoke very openly about how hard it was for him, and how torn he felt. I could relate, as i've spent a fair bit of time caring for T as he's gone through various (and awful) depressive episodes.

I think the worse part is feeling helpless - watching someone you love in such pain and being able to do sweet nothing to help them...

just got back from southern Saskatchewan. i flew into Regina yesterday morning and drove 2 hours south to Estevan (10 miles north of North Dakota). we threw a small, free concert there for about 550 people and had a marvelous time. the event was flawless, and it was so wonderful to know that i helped to create what was probably most of the people in attendance's first ever concert. imagine that - i've helped to create life long memories. It was really special for me.

after the show, the bands and my crew went to the local pub (seriously, there is only one local in the town!). what a blast. many of the girls knew the band members, and shamelessly hit on them, followed them around and stared at us. it was alternately funny and creepy - especially when i started getting nasty looks thrown at me!

today, we drove back to Regina, boarded a plane, and came home. I'm wiped. it's 9:30pm EST, and i may just go to bed!!!

had a wonderful time in London. how i love that city. the great news is that Tim know loves it, too! i worried about him for a while there... :-)

we flew overnight, arriving on Friday morning. went to Uncle Eddie's, bought a Virgin Mobile (mine was dead and it was less expensive to buy a new one, then to buy only a charger), had a number of pints and watched Fulham go by. what a lovely place - how i've missed it.

went out on friday night in Parson's Green. my cousins came out, as did Bec's and we had a marvelous time drinking, laughing and staggering through the neighbourhood, looking for a chippy. we had to pick up my drunken husband in Brixton, then ended up staying at my cousin's place in Bow Quarter (east London). the next morning, we took many tubes (the District line was closed from Mile End to Enbankment, which sucked) back to Fulham, got ready then went to surprise Margaret. Surprise her we did - the look on her face was well worth the trip!

partied our faces off in Covent Garden, then in a private club off Carnaby Street. at 3am, we left, were picked up by my uncle Karl (who just happens to be a mini-cab driver!), went back to Fulham and passed out.

Hit Piccadilly for a shopping trip. got into a fight with a salesman at Burberry (honestly - he was rude to me while i was WEARING a Burberry raincoat. where's the kindness to your clientele???). ate a donut. bought tea at Fortnum and Mason. took a double decker bus. ate awesome Italian food. got evacuated from Earl's Court (drama!). had dim sum for dinner. yummy.

we spent Monday in a pub all day with all our dearest friends. totally awesome. best trip ever.

two guilt trip voice-mails from mum today; i called her back and she launched into it. she even raised her voice. Finally, i told her to lower her voice and that she wasn't helping me by being so demanding - i've got a crazy job, am leaving for England tomorrow, am taking two night school courses... give me a break!

What really gets to me is that she truly doesn't have any empathy for me, no matter how honest i am with her, or how i share my struggles. this is the woman who left me to be raised by nannies and expensive after-care programs at expensive schools -- she, of all people, should know what it's like to be building your career and stressed and far too busy for multiple guilt trip voice-mails. and yet, she doesn't...

has she forgotten? does she not care?

SCHOOL
- i got switched to another section of my online history course; thank God - the intensive format was killing me!
- am taking an amazing sociology course on families in the Caribbean, and am having my mind blown. there's so much to take in and learn! so much i didn't know about the region's history and my family's history. I truly regret not asking more questions of Momma before she died, but am so blessed to still have relatives that i can ask. I just hope they know about the distant past, and can help me track my family in Spain and Scotland...

WORK
- randomly stressed and hating my job, which is insane, because i truly, deeply, madly love what i do. i'm going to take a step back, distance myself from this emotion and ride the emotional wave. non-attachment; more A New Earth. :-)

MARRIAGE
- blissful and amazing.

LADY BITS
- went in for my first round of blood work, going for ultrasounds and the like. doctor is pretty cool and supports my desire to get "back to normal"; she's not forcing drugs on me or anything, which i'm happy about.

i was talking to Tim today about mothers' day with his fam last weekend. it all went well - i think the awkwardness between us and BIL/SIL is gone, replaced by a healthy acceptance of the situ. however, BIL kept trying to engage Tim in discussion - totally random discussion that came out of nowhere, and had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Ex. 1 - while discussing our recent business trips to Palm Springs and LA (me) and Kingston, Jamaica (Tim), BIL interjects with "have you been to a Toronto FC game? I got box seats and it was great!"

Ex. 2 - while watching some trippy TV shows with our nephew, BIL says "Do you have a Wii? I want to get one; do you know if it comes with sports games?"

both were random, out-of-nowhere interjections, which made me think:

a) he's still trying to prove that his job's not lame, or somehow compete with Tim (example 1)
b) he's still desperate for any contact with Tim, and will use any excuse to talk to him (example 2)

both thoughts made me really sad for BIL.

there's a woman in my in-laws group who uses images from Sandman for her emoticons. they hit me in the gut everytime - out of love, out of awe, out of sorrow. I wept for days when that graphic novel ended. I miss it all the time. Bless you, Dream, Death, Delirium, Despair, Desire, Destiny and Destruction. You've taught me so much - thanks.

the hunt for diagnosis continues - I have an appointment with a fertility specialist next Friday. there; I said it.

I want to know what's up - I hate this vague feeling of being broken. Tim still doesn't get it - I got a lecture about how nuts I am, and why I'm being a hypocrite from him the other day. Charming. He meant well, but doesn't get how attached I am to my body and why it's issues hit me personally. Note to self: work on depersonalizing the body, a la A New Earth.

Insensitive and generally clueless as my loving husband is, he makes a good point. what will i do once i have the diagnosis (if i get one at all). will I want to "fix it", and, thus, saddle myself with years of birth prevention drama? will I feel even more broken than I feel right now? will I suddenly feel some deep urge to procreate? what if i don't "fix it" - will I regret it 5 years from now, if some long-dormant clock starts to tick loudly?

Suddenly, I feel all this pressure to sort out the kid issue.

there's a school or thought (spiritual and psychological and religious) that says that in order to be happy, we must accept our lives and the world we live in. that nothings is good or bad, it's our thoughts which make them so. to embrace life, we must accept all of it, without qualification or label, and if we really don't like something, we must take a harsh look at what we are doing to contribute to it (or contaminate it) and change our own behaviour/thoughts/attitudes.

Oprah (or, momma O, as we call her) has been on this for awhile, with various rabbis, writers, therapists and other experts blathering on; I've always thought it was an interesting concept, but too hard for me to really practice. i'm happy to say that I'm finally at the point in my development where this makes sense and is doable. I've been starting small - work stuff, house stuff - and it's working. i'm feeling peaceful and, strangely, in control. i'm beginning to accept how things are, and, in doing so, am seeing how powerful I am - I can choose to leave or stay, and I can choose how I think about the situations I find myself in.

hmmm... more to follow...

no, i'm not finally coming to grips with my alcohol dependency. I'm literally drying out - greetings from sunny, hot, dry Palm Springs!

From my cousin Mel:

1. What do you consider to be your best attribute and your worst flaw?

my best attribute is my ability to see possibilities; to take amorphous concepts and build them into something real.

worst flaw - I'm not terribly forgiving, and I stick to my principles at the expense of compassion. I'm willing to sacrifice relationships once people let me down or don't live up to my standards.


2. Assuming you had never met T, who do you think you would be married to today (this can be anyone, movie star, someone from your past, Peter Mansbridge, etc).

I don't think I would be married; that was never part of my plan. T was a happy mistake! However, hypothetically... I'm a lot like my friend J's wife, S, so I wonder if he's my other soul mate.


3. Life changing moment.

3 stick out in my mind: Finding out that Joy (my BFF) was dead. Losing my identity and realizing who I really am. Visiting rural Cuba and enjoying the joy and hospitality and love of the citizens.


4. What is something you HATE to do but do anyway?

put up with my BIL. LOL! seriously, i don't do things i can't stand.


5. If you could move anywhere in the world to permanently live, where would you go?

Northern Italy - solitude, fashion, culture, food... perfection!

Tim gave me a beautiful engagement ring a few years ago (i guess it was about 5 years ago), and I value it and love it and think it's beautiful. However, it wasn't my first engagement ring; that was stolen by an old, ex-friend of ours.

I hadn't thought of my first ring in quite a while, but today I did. I'm reading "a new earth" and the author writes about a woman he counseled ages ago who was dying and lost her grandmother's ring. she freaked out. the author asked her a simple question: are you diminished by the loss of the ring? she thought about it and realized that who she was had nothing to do with that possession; a calm came over her. she also realized that "you can't take it with you" and started to give away many of her things. after her death, her family found the ring in her medicine closet.

This story got me thinking of my own lost ring, and how devastated I was when it was lost. there was a sentimental sadness - it was my engagement ring, after all - but there was something deeper. At the time, my husband's family was nearing the height of their nastiness, and were actively undermining our relationship. they did all that they could to plant seeds of doubt in us, and in members of the extended family. when T gave me that ring, it wasn't just a piece of metal and a stone, it was a tangible symbol of our relationship, of his commitment and, frankly, a bit of a "fuck you" to my in-laws. Losing it upset me greatly, but the biggest upset I felt was when my MIL - at my engagement party, no less - screamed (upon hearing the news of the stolen ring) "It's a sign!".

The ring was like an amulet for me, and losing it felt like a body blow, like i had no defence. as if they were right and the relationship wouldn't last, he didn't love me, and they'd have their family back the way they wanted it soon...

It's funny the random things that you recall...

My new ring is a work of art, but i don't use it to bolster my confidence in my relationship anymore. If i lost it, i'd be terribly upset, but i wouldn't see it as a diminishing my marriage. The strength - the amulet - in my life is between the two of us, and I find it shocking to know that at one time I allowed outside attacks to drive me outside our relationship for security.

this is all very... cluttered... i'll clean up this post later, but i wanted to get some thoughts out now... making emotional room, i guess.